Dramatis Personae: Customer Service

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Illustration by Crystal Frasier

Cave raptors are sated; it's time to blog!

In our never-ending quest for complete fan transparency (or "fansparency"), we here in the Paizo dungeon like to know that our readers understand our diabolical machinations and vile lieutenants so that they may truly tremble in terror before our slavering horde. And while it's easy to quake in terror before those bold names printed on the front of our books, there are just as many wicked creatures slaving away behind the scenes, without whom our ink and pulp empire would come crumbling down.

Enter customer service: the key to Paizo's unstoppable march to the sea. Cosmo and Sara Marie tag-team problems with orders, website issues, and general customer complaints, applying their terrifying cheerfulness and resiliency to wearing down even the most dissatisfied of clientele. Longtime fans will recall that Cosmo first joined Paizo's ranks after claiming the fey crown by slaying Lord Oberon in ritual combat. Sara Marie came to Paizo through PaizoCon '09, where her mastery of the hat entranced our leadership and secured her future position in the company (as you well know, hats have been an important aspect of goblin culture since the Outerwear Wars of 3505).

To gain some insight into their jet-setting lifestyle of glamour and danger, I followed the daring duo for several hours. After they parachuted from an exploding mail plane (saving customer orders from crashing in the Andes), they stopped for a moment to grant some insight into their role in Paizo's success.

"One hundred percent of Paizo's success is all me," says Cosmo (exp 2, rog 4), who has been with the company since its magazine days. "And the secret to my success is emulating Sebastian in every encounter." He refused to expand on the subject of "Sebastian," but went on to confirm that he was, in fact, not an octopus.

"The less people have to deal with us, the better." Sara Marie (ari 4, brd 2) dodged all my octopus-related probing to continue on customer service's role in Paizo's success. "You've never heard of me? That's good! It means you've never needed to contact us." Obviously, customer service, much like assassins and trapdoor spiders, do their best work when no one needs them.

"We are part of the community," Cosmo added while repacking his parachute and radioing for pickup. "We're here to interface with the fans. Customers and customer service are what Paizo is all about." He pointed out that the website, the messageboards, the blogs—all are there to give customers better insight into Paizo, and Paizo better insight into the customers. PFS Open Calls and RPG Superstar were created to help turn the Paizo fanbase into the next generation of Paizo writers, and customer service is there to make sure Paizo customers become the next Paizo fanbase.

"There are constantly new challenges," concludes Cosmo.

"Dealing with Cosmo is a challenge." With Sara Marie's final comment, the interview evolved into more of a blood feud, with each stealing the other's earpiece and hurling literary invectives.

Without the customer service team, Paizo would have little insight into the minds of our victims, nor would we be able to best tailor our psychological assaults where we know it will hurt most. Sans Cosmo and Sara Marie, we would be forced to rely once again on the phone-answering monkey, whose courtesy is notoriously lacking, whose typing speed in unacceptable, and whose coffee is substandard at best. They are the glue that binds Paizo to it's customers and ensures that any dissent is stamped out, lest it foment uprisings and attract adventurers.

So, join me in celebrating Paizo's customer service department! Plant a customer service specialist in your back yard today!

Crystal Frasier
Production Specialist