| Tinalles |
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I just ran the Rushlight Festival. The boasting contest had some great stories in it, but I think it would be difficult to do justice to them speaking extemporaneously. So I took the time to write up first-person narratives for all of the boasters that I could just read aloud with suitably dramatic intonation.
Here they are:
Memon Esponde of Daggermark
Do not think I warn you merely out of hubris, oh no! I warn you because I have been looking for a challenge. You see, a earlier this year when I was traveling about the River Kingdoms on a lark, a late afternoon rainstorm drove me to seek shelter. Casting about for someplace to spend the night, I came across a secluded temple on the outskirts of a town known for its arena. Knocking on the door, it was opened by a lovely young lady who asked me what I wanted.
"O most lovely lady," I said, "I seek shelter from the storm. Might I trouble you for a night's ... lodging?"
"Certainly, sir," she said. "We were just setting down to dinner. Come and I shall introduce you to my fellow priestesses."
At the dinner table, she introduced me to her colleagues, whose names I as a gentleman shall forebear to mention. Each damsel my eye fell upon seemed more beautiful than the last! The last I laid eyes upon was the high priestess, an elven lady with hair like spun gold, eyes like emeralds, and ... lips as soft and welcoming as a warm spring afternoon.
I made up my mind then and there that I must have not one, not two, but all seven of them. And since I had but one night in which to achieve this, well, let's just say that it was a good thing this particular temple was devoted to Calistria. Why, in any other establishment, I might only have managed four or five of the ladies! But under roof of Calistria, the Unquenchable Fire, I set about my task with fervor. One by one, I wooed the priestesses. One by one they opened their ... arms to me, starting with the lowest acolyte and finishing with the high priestess herself.
Ah, it was a glorious night! But alas, it could not last. For the first of my conquests, the sweet acolyte, found herself wanting more and came seeking me -- only to learn from her sisters that I had been ... busy. As the ladies compared notes, my duplicity became evident, and the six of them burst into the high priestess's chamber at the top of the temple's spire to confront me.
Leaping from her bed and noting the horizon outside lightening with the first hints of dawn, I uttered a prayer: "O Calistria, great lady whose passions rock the universe, if my deeds this night have pleased you, then grant me a way out!" And lo, at that very moment, the temple's sacred guardian wasp, fully the size of horse, appeared at the balcony. I snatched up the high priestess's corset, leaped aboard the wasp, and flew away into the sunrise, waving farewell at my erstwhile lovers with their high priestess's undergarments. (Bluff)
(At this point allow a DC 20 Sense Motive check to notice that he's talking about Mialolessa.)
And so, good gentlemen, heed my warning! For if you do not, I shall surely have far too easy a time seducing the lovely ladies of Pitax. (Diplomacy, Comedy)
Ankus Depergode of Gralton
Ye poor sods don't have any idea what yer missin, with no ocean about. Why, down by the Shackles is the real place to live. Ships goin' in an out full of treasure and wealth of all kinds! But none could ever match the ship that I sailed on, for I stowed away on and later served aboard the Seawraith.
Now ye all may not have heard of the Seawraith, but it's a ship of legend: captained by none other than Besmara, the Queen Goddess of Pirates herself. It sails not just the Shackles, but the seas of the very planes, making port in whole other worlds. Ever heard of Sigil? How about the City of Seven Seraphs? No? Well, I've made port in both!
(At this point, allow DC 20 Sense Motive, or Detect Magic + Spellcraft DC 15 to notice Ankus' bard friend stirring the crowd's emotions.)
When Besmara found me stowed away in her ship she was all set to have me walk the plank -- but I had on me a necklace full of fireballs, and threatened to blow a hole in her hull so large her ship would sink straight to the Abyss, and never be heard from again. That made her laugh, and so she decided to make me a deckhand instead.
Many were our adventures, but I think me fondest memory of those days be the game of poker I played with Dalindra, a deva from Nirvana, and Palinax, a bearded devil from the Nine Hells. We were holdin' both of 'em fer ransom ye see, and it fell to me to keep 'em from killing each other, so I proposed that we play poker. Such would let them compete with each other without causin' a ruckus. It were a tight hand -- them devas may not be any good at bluffin, but by all the gods they can see their way past even such a liar as that bearded devil were. Fortunately fer me, they was so focused on competin' with each other, they paid too scant attention t' little ol' me. They wagered high, they paid me no mind -- and in the end, I won the deva's wings and the devil's beard on a single hand of cards! (Bluff)
I've got a million more where that came from, but one's enough for now, I'm thinkin', and there're plenty more tales to come from me honored opponents, even if none can hold a candle to sailing the seas under Cap'n Besmara. (Diplomacy, Oratory)
Ceala Ravenbrow of Mivon
You surely wouldn't want to interrupt me when I'm drinking, that's for sure. Why, one time in a town in northern Galt, I had just set down to a fine glass of elven absinthe when the town came under assault by a demonic chimera. It had three heads: a goat on the left, a lion's head on the right, and a green dragon in the middle. Some foolish adventurers rousted it from its lair, after which it slaughtered them and came rampaging into the village.
Unconcerned, I drew my sword and stepped into its path. We fought back and forth along the road, surrounded by screaming, fleeing townsfolk. The dragon head I lopped off with a single stroke! It reared back and roared with its other two heads, crashing into a building as it did so. Looking up, I saw a huge rock that had been built into the chimney come loose -- I hurled my sword and the drink that I still held in my hand up into the air, did three backflips forward and kicked the goat's head into the path of the falling rock, which crushed it, and then caught my sword and my drink. That left only the lion's head, which proved the easiest of all: I sheathed my sword, ripped off that chimera's tail with my bare hand, leaped onto its back, and strangled the lion's head with its own tail as I rode it bucking and twisting through the streets of the town.
The grateful townsfolk cheered my name, and the innkeeper offered me a fresh glass of absinthe. "No need," I told him -- for in all of that, I had not spilled so much as a single drop of absinthe. That would have been such a waste over a trifle like a demonic chimera! (Bluff)
Yes, I like my drinks. It's a failing. But one that I share with all of you! I'll see you all later for a proper bout -- and don't worry about any demonic chimeras interrupting us. (Diplomacy, Sing)
Mialolessa of Tymon
There are many tales I could tell, but the one that comes to mind just now happened, oh, about nine months ago. I was visiting Kyonin to see my cousin Larielle where she lives in the southern reaches of that realm. She greeted me as I arrived, along with her friend, an elven woman named Penna. As Larielle introduced Penna to me, I thought something seemed odd in her manner, and resolved to ask her about it later.
Alas, later never came! For that evening, Penna came to my room and invited me for a walk in the forest. Sensing that something was up, I said "Oh, I am too tired from travel to go for a walk just now. But we could ... talk ... here, if you like." She agreed, and I poured us drinks.
Well, I shall spare you the details, but one thing led to another. And just as things were getting to the peak, I noticed that she appeared to have grown wings and a tail! Now, this was somewhat unexpected, and so I refused to proceed with what I was doing unless she accounted for herself. And so very much did she want me to finish that she confessed: her real name was Pennavix, and she was a succubus who had been sent by Treerazer, the nascent demon lord who has been contained in the southern reaches of Kyonin for many years now. Her mission was to abduct me and bring me to him, for I had caught his eye, and he intended to make me his consort. So she dominated my cousin, had her invite me, and had intended to lure me into an ambush so I could be taken prisoner. But on seeing me, she could not contain herself, and wanted me for her own instead.
"You're such a naughty girl," I told her. In exchange for a week of passion, she agreed to free my cousin from her magic charms and let me go again. To this day she sends me regular gifts of strange fungal potions and wines in the hopes of luring me back to her side in the Tanglebriar. (Bluff)
Sadly, Pennavix gave me one other gift before I left -- a rather nasty rash. It took a little while to develop, and proved annoyingly contagious and difficult to remove. I did finally clear that up, but I hope none of the other lovers I took in the meantime find it too unpleasant.
(DC 20 Sense Motive check to figure out she's directed this bit at Memon Esponde.)
But worry not! I doubt there are any of my lovers in the audience. Yet. (Diplomacy, Oratory)
Notes:
1) I used Perform (Comedy) for Memon Esponde because I had difficulty figuring out how Perform (Dance) would help his boast.
2) Because Ceala Ravenbrow's boast was all about how much she loves to drink, I put her in the drinking competition later instead of the usual contestant from Mivon.
3) I wrote one for Annamede Belavarah, but of course it was customized to my own PC's exploits and wouldn't work for any other group. You'll have to write your own for her.