PFS 27 & 28 Rejection Critiques


Society Scenario Submissions


Well, another no go on my end.

If anyone has the time to give their thoughts on my submission, I'd appreciate it. Also like to see anyone else's if they want to post for peer review again.

Here's mine for 27, Our Lady of Silver.

Spoiler:

All of Katheer knows Lady Lujayn Siniana, a preening wererat, as the Lady of Silver for her control of the local silver trade and the copious bribes she spreads across the city. However, her prestige as a merchant lord has recently declined with the rise of a cunning and patient blue dragon named Harabanar. Harabanar’s economic growth is rapidly eclipsing Lady Siniana and his import of silversheen from the distant Keleshite Empire threatens her as well. Unable to challenge him directly, she instead struck at his affiliated merchant underlings. First, she betrayed one of the great caravans to a pack of Kabriri cultist ghuls in the deep desert. She then hired the local thieves guild to plant evidence among several of Harabanar’s subsidiary traders tying them to the cult and the caravan’s destruction. Finally, to deflect attention from her own involvement, Lady Siniana also sacrificed a few of her minor merchant contacts. The Satrap’s soldiers seized all of the implicated merchants and they now face a possible death sentence from the Qadiran courts. Harabanar is investigating the charges himself and already suspects Lady Siniana. As a delaying tactic, he made sure that the first trial would be of one of her contacts, Freseol Arkis. Unfortunately for Lady Siniana, she was unaware that Arkis’s small warehouse secretly conceals Katheer’s Pathfinder Lodge. Arkis immediately sent for help from the Pathfinder Society.

The Pathfinders must prove that someone framed Arkis by navigating past obstinate bureaucrats, breaking into a trapped evidence room, chasing a pickpocket in the stinking alleys of Katheer’s tanning district, and avoiding seductive agents of misdirection armed with clockwork assassins. Finally, the Pathfinders must successfully argue Arkis’s case before a bored Qadiran judge who gives equal weight to both the facts and an entertaining presentation.

Harabanar has used his influence to make sure no outsiders interfere in the trials of the merchants. The Pathfinders must use a combination of guile and charm to convince the haughty minor functionary Deputy Sub-Prefect Rostam to grant them permission to become officially involved in Arkis’s trial.

Bureaucratic negotiation with Rostam (EL -)

The main evidence against Arkis is in a heavily trapped room at the courthouse. The Pathfinders must break into the room while avoiding detection, and open a Qadiran puzzle vault to steal the incriminating documents.

Trapped evidence room and puzzle vault (EL 6/9)

Lady Siniana anonymously pays the thieves guild to slip some Kabriri unholy symbols into the Pathfinders’ pockets, hoping to send some bribed guards to arrest the Pathfinders. A thief named Kamash bungles the attempt and flees around reeking vats of dye in the labyrinthine tanning district. If caught, the Pathfinders can force him to testify that someone hired his guild to link them to the lost caravan.

Chasing Kamash around dye pit traps (EL 5/8)

Worried by Kamash’s failure, Lady Siniana has stationed some entertainer assassins at the courthouse to prevent the Pathfinders from appearing at the trial. The seductive entertainers attempt to distract the Pathfinders with some exotic Keleshite constructs until the trial is over. The constructs are actually clockwork assassins that the entertainers will program to “malfunction” if they cannot delay the Pathfinders. Their first target will be Kamash to prevent his testimony; otherwise, they will attempt to kill the Pathfinders.

Delaying entertainment and 1 clockwork assassin (flesh golem) (EL 7) or 3 clockwork assassins (flesh golems) (EL 10)

Finally, the Pathfinders must defend Arkis in the great Courtyard of Judgment before the judge, Alim al-Mahir. Al-Mahir is a cultured man, and bored by many of the cases he judges. Arkis will advise the Pathfinders that an exciting or entertaining presentation will carry more weight with al-Mahir. The Pathfinders must argue against an underhanded prosecutor, while also entertaining al-Mahir with re-enactments of chases, poetic oratory, and magical enhancements.

Courtroom drama (EL -)

If the Pathfinders convince al-Mahir, he dismisses the charges against Arkis and orders an investigation into the true culprit behind the destruction of the caravan. This will eventually expose Lady Siniana and drive her from Qadira, though she flees to another country to rebuild her wealth and try to foil the Pathfinder Society. Harabanar is pleased with the freedom of his merchants and rewards the Pathfinders for their effort. If the Pathfinders fail, Arkis is merely sentenced to prison, but this still damages the Society’s power and reputation in Qadira. Lady Siniana will not forget their attempt to interfere, and Harabanar may even blame the entire event on the Society.

Scarab Sages

Wow, Jared. I think that's actually well written.

My only concern/critique would be whether that could all be played out in a 4 hour time limit.


EricTheRed wrote:

Wow, Jared. I think that's actually well written.

My only concern/critique would be whether that could all be played out in a 4 hour time limit.

Ha! Thanks Eric, I appreciate that. Now I'm a little more encouraged to do something for the next one! (Though a few extra months of ego-healing doesn't hurt either.)

Hmmm, didn't think about the time limit as pushing it too long. I was even gonna throw in a bit about the dragon and wererat watching the courtroom drama at the end from the spectator benches for some extra tension.

Liked this one a lot, didn't have much inspiration for the Mwangi one.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

I agree with Eric, fun to read and in my opinion a very goo entry. Please note that I've never written for Paizo, so my opinion carries no weight at all ;>

Minor presentation advice: I would present the title of the scene before the scene, not after.

Liberty's Edge

JaredSmith113 wrote:


Bureaucratic negotiation with Rostam (EL -)
Harabanar has used his influence to make sure no outsiders interfere in the trials of the merchants. The Pathfinders must use a combination of guile and charm to convince the haughty minor functionary Deputy Sub-Prefect Rostam to grant them permission to become officially involved in Arkis’s trial.

Trapped evidence room and puzzle vault (EL 6/9)
The main evidence against Arkis is in a heavily trapped room at the courthouse. The Pathfinders must break into the room while avoiding detection, and open a Qadiran puzzle vault to steal the incriminating documents.

Why they should steal the documents if they get officially involved in the trial? This could jeopardize their mission and make them the main suspects for the theft, as being directly interested to make those evidences lost. Well, if the PCs failled the first encounter, the second make sense, but now the last encounter becomes obsolete.

I like the ideea, but I am affraid that you lost something in the 750 words stretching process...

Grand Lodge

I think that Eric and Darkjoy are correct about time limit and presentation.

I also wonder whether the style of your 5 encounters would work as well for organized play as it would for a home game. You have 5 encounters, which break down to roleplay/social, trap/puzzle, chase, combat, roleplay/social. Having that many roleplay and "thinking" encounters works well when you have a group that you know, and that know each other, but often doesn't work as well when you have a group of players meeting each other for the first time.

Please don't take this as negative, but as another rejectee's opinion.

Grand Lodge

Turnabout being fair play, here is my try at #28, Lyrics of Extinction.

Constructive comments appreciated.

Spoiler:

Introduction

In the Mwangi Expanse numerous civilizations have risen and fallen. In the midst of the Age of Enlightenment, a cult of Rovagug settled in an abandoned ancient city, and held several local tribes in thrall. After years of sacrifice to the Rough Beast, an uprising occurred, and the cult called on a terrible power that destroyed all life within the city, including themselves.

This is the legend of The Dirge of Rovagug.

The Pathfinder Society has recently determined that the city lies in the jungle East of Whitebridge Station, and has sent a team to explore the ruins and recover anything that remains of The Dirge.

Adventure Summary

One sheet of music of The Dirge remains within a ziggurat in the ruins. The PCs may gain access by recovering three “keys” from among the other ruins. Magical traps guard the page, including one which summons a vrock.

Encounters

Ruins

Even from a distance, the most striking feature of the overgrown ruined city is the step pyramid which towers above the center. As the party approaches it, they encounter a giant constrictor snake (advanced to 13 or 15 HD) which basks in the ruins.

Atop the ziggurat, the Pathfinders discover a small temple containing a sacrificial altar and the statue of a warrior. The sculpture has its hands half-closed, a small hemispherical hollow in its forehead, and a cylindrical hole in its chest. An inscription in Abyssal on the statue’s base reads: “Supplicants must dedicate Head, Heart and Hands to the Master.”

The heroes must recover a greataxe, an ioun stone, and a scroll from the ruins, and insert them into the statue, causing the altar to shift aside, revealing a corridor leading into the ziggurat’s depths.

Three mostly intact structures, with arched entrances that resemble the fanged symbol of Rovagug, are plainly visible from the top of the pyramid: the Mall of Warriors, the Observatory, and the Bathhouse.

Mall of Warriors

Beyond the archway of this building is a walled courtyard filled with ranks of obsidian statues of warriors. When the PCs approach the center of the area, four of the statues animate and attack (Tier 10-11: 8 statues). The animated statues each carry the favored weapon of one the deities of the city. Each weapon has magic aura cast on it, except Rovagug’s favored greataxe, which is truly magical, and one of the keys to the ziggurat.

Observatory

The arch leads into a cylindrical building. The east and west walls have small windows with numbers and symbols carved beneath, which can be deciphered as indicating weeks of the year. The floor is decorated with a relief of the night sky, with the paths of the red and green planets indicated by spherical crystalline stones, each affected by magic aura. Removing any stone triggers a resettable burning hands trap (Tier 10-11: fireball trap). The only exception is the scarlet ioun stone required for the ziggurat.

Abyssal script around the base of the wall reads: “The Master contemplates the favored orb illuminated by his first ascension.” If the Pathfinders direct a light through the Eastern window corresponding to the first week of Rova, it shines directly on the ioun stone and its green mate.

Bath House

This structure houses three large pools of murky water, and is home to a water naga (Tier 10-11: 2 nagas). She guards her lair from the pools, which are connected by pipes near the bottom.

The naga’s treasure includes a few scrolls, including a divine scroll of shatter. This Destruction Domain scroll is a key for the ziggurat.

Treasure Chamber

When the corridor into the ziggurat is revealed, it also opens a sequence of doors along its length, and torches flare to life within. At the end is a large chamber which contains a pedestal holding the music the Pathfinders seek. The pedestal also holds activation triggers for traps: an area dispel magic, followed by summon monster VIII, which summons a vrock (Tier 10-11: also chaos hammer).

Conclusion

If the heroes defeat the vrock, they may take the page at their leisure. They acquire a new cachet within the Pathfinder Society, and possibly gain prestige with their factions.

Should the vrock drive off the Pathfinders, it thrusts the music into a torch before the summoning is over, and the party returns in shame.

Liberty's Edge

Scribbling Rambler, please post your submission into a new thread. Other way the comments for you and JaredSmith113 will mix up.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Hi Jared. With the usual caveat that I have never been published, here are my opinions. I hope they are helpful.

I like the adventure's plot. This is pretty fun and fits the "intrigue" angle Josh requested. I also think you have a decent mix of encounters.

Having the encounter description appear after the encounter might have been a strike against you.

Some of the description was confusing or led to questions. I read the first sentence to mean that everyone knows that Siniana is a wererat. You could remove that clause altogether, since the party won't encounter her in the adventure. "...haughty minor functionary Deputy Sub-Prefect Rostam" had me wondering why there would be a Deputy *Sub*Prefect position. Also, stating that Rostam is a "minor functionary" is redundant. These really are nitpicks, but they stuck out to me.

The biggest question I had was about encounter 2: Why would Siniana have the thieves guild plant evidence when she already had bribed guards? Couldn't they plant the evidence? :-)

I like the idea of the creatures being clockwork creatures, but the flesh golem might be a stretch as a proxy. I know we're restricted by the SRD, and Josh doesn't seem to like us bringing in outside sources.

Sorry that this scenario didn't get picked up, but I wish you luck with future submissions.


Darkjoy wrote:
Minor presentation advice: I would present the title of the scene before the scene, not after.

Good point, I was pulling off from the way someone had submitted earlier (Steven Helt I think) and he put his rules bits explaining each encounter after the description, but as a header I think you're right, it would have worked better.

Thanks for your review!


Scribbling Rambler wrote:
I also wonder whether the style of your 5 encounters would work as well for organized play as it would for a home game. You have 5 encounters, which break down to roleplay/social, trap/puzzle, chase, combat, roleplay/social. Having that many roleplay and "thinking" encounters works well when you have a group that you know, and that know each other, but often doesn't work as well when you have a group of players meeting each other for the first time.

Well, Josh specifically said that he would like less hack n slash all the time, and some more roleplaying, and this scenario seemed perfect for it. But again, you're right, I didn't consider it in terms of time limit for the whole scenario, probably would have run over the time allowed. I think they could have gotten through some of the encounters relatively fast, but it does depend on the group.

Bah, more smashy swordfights next time! Thanks for your thoughts!


taig wrote:

Some of the description was confusing or led to questions. I read the first sentence to mean that everyone knows that Siniana is a wererat. You could remove that clause altogether, since the party won't encounter her in the adventure. "...haughty minor functionary Deputy Sub-Prefect Rostam" had me wondering why there would be a Deputy *Sub*Prefect position. Also, stating that Rostam is a "minor functionary" is redundant. These really are nitpicks, but they stuck out to me.

The biggest question I had was about encounter 2: Why would Siniana have the thieves guild plant evidence when she already had bribed guards? Couldn't they plant the evidence? :-)

I like the idea of the creatures being clockwork creatures, but the flesh golem might be a stretch as a proxy. I know we're restricted by the SRD, and Josh doesn't seem to like us bringing in outside sources.

Hey Taig,

Thanks for looking it over! In fact, I *DID* want Siniana to be a pimping wererat chick, walking around in ratwoman form all the time, covered in silks and jewels. This ain't boring Absalom, this is weird and foreign Qadira. Figured it'd be a little more cosmopolitan (after all, ogre mercs, flying carpets, animated siege engines... Katheer is a bit unusual). Plus I was planning on her showing up to gloat at the trial at the end.

And poor Rostam was a Deputy Sub-Prefect to show that he was in the lowest of low spots on the bureaucratic totem pole, hence making his obstruction of the PCs all the more annoying.

Hmmm, I guess the guards COULD have planted the evidence! But then there'd be no dramatic chase scene! Plus if the guards can truthfully testify that they found the evidence, looks worse. Kinda her whole scheme all along, thieves set 'em up, guards knock 'em down. Guess should have had an anonymous tip from her to arrest the PCs, would have worked better.

I was actually kinda proud of flesh golems as a proxy for clockworks. Both are constructs, has damage reduction, chance of going berserk (malfunction), plus healed by electricity and slowed by fire/cold. Big clanking clockwork, sparks shooting off in every direction, fire or cold heating up or freezing gears. It coulda worked, I tells ya!

Thanks for the encouragement!


Cicattrix wrote:

Why they should steal the documents if they get officially involved in the trial? This could jeopardize their mission and make them the main suspects for the theft, as being directly interested to make those evidences lost. Well, if the PCs failled the first encounter, the second make sense, but now the last encounter becomes obsolete.

I like the ideea, but I am affraid that you lost something in the 750 words stretching process...

Hmm, good catch. First draft, they were going to sneak in and replace the evidence with forged evidence, which they could then reveal as a fake at the trial. But that's pretty complicated to explain in a short outline, as you said. So I made it a simple theft, I should have left it the first way. Oh well.

But I did think that it was a step in not so much proving Arkis's innocence as making it hard to get him sentenced. I figured the guards could still testify that they had SEEN the evidence, so there'd still be a trial. Bah, you're right. Intriguing is complicated stuff!

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

JaredSmith113 wrote:
In fact, I *DID* want Siniana to be a pimping wererat chick, walking around in ratwoman form all the time, covered in silks and jewels. This ain't boring Absalom, this is weird and foreign Qadira. Figured it'd be a little more cosmopolitan (after all, ogre mercs, flying carpets, animated siege engines... Katheer is a bit unusual). Plus I was planning on her showing up to gloat at the trial at the end.

That's a great image. It makes me smile.

Feel free to take a swing at my proposal. So far, everyone has found the "boss monster" to be pretty goofy.

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