GMing with anxiety or other mental health problems

[Generic Villain]

I have mild-to-moderate anxiety, am on meds and see a therapist regularly. It's a lifelong thing, nothing crippling fortunately - more of a constant background hum that sometimes becomes severe, but for the most part is under control. I've been tabletop gaming for decades, usually as a GM, and while I'll stress out about it, it's usually "normal" stress. For example worrying about a problem player, whether my work is up to par, if everyone is having fun, stuff like that. And never overwhelming.

For the past year or so, I've been GMing largely online. There are a ton of upsides. I love Roll20 and find it very adaptable, it saves me a lot of legwork, is more convenient, and of course allows everyone to socially distance. The downside is the lack of face-to-face interactions, but honestly that's a minor drawback for me at best. I'm an introvert and like being able to have fun with friends while also not leaving my house. Best of both worlds.

So here's the weird part. We play weekly, and I began to notice that my mood would drop a day or so before the game was scheduled. Nothing major at first, but enough that I definitely took note. A small voice began telling me to cancel the upcoming game, which I did once or twice while claiming illness or whatever.

Lately though, within the past few months, things have gotten drastically worse. The hour or so before I go live with a game, I've been overcome with anxiety. Racing heartbeat, rapid breathing, and worst of all that terrible stabbing pain in my stomach that so often accompanies an anxiety attack. It's never reached a full-blown panic attack, but I'm starting to worry it might. And it makes no damn sense. I've been doing this for decades, I've known my players for many years and they are awesome, and anxious though I am, I've never had more than mild stage fright. It's getting to the point where I'm ready to take a break from GMing for my own sake.

I practice breathing exercises, grounding techniques, the works, but no results. The only thing that helps is smoking (not cigarettes), but the trade-off is, when I'm intoxicated even somewhat, my quality as a GM suffers. At least it takes the edge off the anxiety though. And yet another weird thing - within maybe 10 minutes of actually starting the game, the anxiety just washes away and GM-Me takes over. All is suddenly well and I'm fully immersed in the game. But those hours leading up to the game itself? Getting to be downright hellish.

It's incredibly frustrating. I love this game more than most of my extended family (a low bar considering the people I'm related to, but still) and want to keep doing this for as long as I can, but damn.

So who else has found their mental health (whether or not it's anxiety) negatively impacting this awesome hobby? How do you handle it? Or if anyone else wants to just vent like I did for the past several paragraphs.

Sigh. Take care of yourselves everyone.

[DungeonmasterCal]

As someone who has to deal with Social and General Anxiety Disorders, Panic Disorder, Bipolar Type II, Major Depressive Disorder, and PTSD, I fully understand how you feel. I wasn't always like this, but instances in my life have changed the very fundamental parts that make me "me".

I am fortunate to have played with most of my group over 30 years and they have watched me and been at my side as the different changes came over my mind and spirit. We still play in person and try to do so every two weeks, though with various interruptions we haven't played since last November. Hopefully we'll get things going again this coming Saturday.

But I have canceled games at the last minute because my anxiety overwhelms me, despite the fact I've known these people over three decades. I have shut down games after only an hour because of panic attacks, which made me feel even worse since two of my players drive two and a half hours one way to come to our games.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to focus on creating adventures for my bunch, but I keep plugging away out of my love for the hobby and the face-to-face interaction with friends that I have to maintain because believe me, it would be so easy to just stop everything and never leave my house or have anyone enter it ever again. I do find that the vast majority of the time when I can push myself through the barriers of my anxiety or panic, I begin to relax as our hijinks begin. We've played so long together that while we take the games seriously, we also know that at our advancing ages it's more about the fun and camaraderie than anything else.

So, believe me, you're not alone in this fight. There are legions of us out here who understand what you're going through. If you want you can private message me here on the boards or email me directly (my addie is listed at the bottom of my bio). Keep fighting the good fight and don't let the bastards win.

"Darkness all around us
We don't close our eyes
No one's gonna ground us
We were born to fly"
-- "Carry On", Manowar

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Can people who don't GM (it terrifies me) respond to this thread if they're feeling similarly, or should I make a separate thread for that?

[Fergie]

I can't speak for the OP, but I think experiencing anxiety and stresses related to gaming can affect players and GMs in similar ways. Many of the solutions might also be universal.

I have found that the less often I engage in specific activities, the more I tend to stress beforehand. With all the pandemic stuff, many things that I would not have thought twice about now require getting psyched up for. Usually, once things are underway, I don't know why I was worrying in the first place.

I don't have any amazing insights, and can really just say that it is probably more common than most people talk about.
The best advice I can give is to carefully watch your intake of caffeine, sugar and anything else that affects mood. Beyond that, give yourself an "out" that allows you the option of reducing the stress without completely canceling. For example, just knowing you have a backup activity like someone else DMing, a boardgame, or something similar, that might take the pressure off.

[Pan]

The good news, in my humble view as a person with mild anxiety issues, is that the trigger seems to be getting ready for the game and not the game itself. The bad news, again in my humble view as a person with mild anxiety, you might have to go through this every time.

I had a panic attack once in the middle of a movie at the theater. I was alone on whatever afternoon and it just triggered. I was just learning about my anxiety (and family history) so it was very unnerving. It really sucked because I love going to movies. I have not had anywhere near that experience since. However, every time I go, there is a period of about 5-10 min after I sit down that I start freaking out. Once the lights dim and the movie starts rolling though, my anxiety melts away.

You are 100% correct about it just being in your mind. It's hard to talk to people because there isn't much sense about it. Anxiety is very personal and hard to relate to. What helps me is thinking about the process. It's routine, there is nothing wrong with me, or the situation. I have done this a million times and been just fine. Eventually, it washes away as you noted.

I hope your therapist can help better than I. All I can do is say, "yeah I know what anxiety is like."

-Cheers

[DungeonmasterCal]

Archpaladin Zousha wrote:

Can people who don't GM (it terrifies me) respond to this thread if they're feeling similarly, or should I make a separate thread for that?

I don't see why not!

[Tiona Daughtry]

As a neurodiverse dm who is a c-ptsd survivor, I figure maybe I need to poke my snout in here. (yes, you can envision me as a dragon, if you want, as that is one nature that seems to fit.) Firstly, there are some very simple, positive things that can help you to deal with, but the actual changes you need to make will depend heavily on exactly what your personal triggers are, and what your personal strengths and limitations are. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution. Especially not in mental health.

To get you started, however, I'm going to suggest that you answer some questions to yourself. (I'll give some pointers on what the answers might mean, but much of this work is going to be yours by necessity, though I'm more than willing to respond more if asked more in depth). The fist one has to do with what, specifically, is the response that your mind is giving you that makes you want to cancel?

Is it because you're overwhelmed by how society's been falling into an infinite vortex of depravity? If so, maybe the idea would be to suggest that someone else take the helm for a while (my gaming group has pretty much everyone experienced in dm'ing, and, when one person needs to take a break, someone else gets to step up and handle their game, so it works in cycles. But not all groups are that well balanced).

Is the issue, instead, that you feel that there are specifics about the game that you're dm'ing that just aren't working? That could suggest that maybe you need to change the pace or theme, even slightly.

Is the issue health-related, outside issues that just creep in and you haven't had sufficient time/effort to process life so that you can be at your full creative best? That usually signs that you need to slow down the game pacing, or maybe take a short hiatus. Many times our minds and bodies try to tell us things that we don't really understand, but learning to question our own unease helps to solve the issues therein.

Since you're now using roll20, are you not getting *sufficient feedback* from your players, so that you can feel confident that your plans are hitting them in all the right ways? Many people rely upon body language to identify how people are handling things. If you aren't getting that (due to not having a visual of each player as they're going through things), you may feel almost like you're trying to traverse a maze blind. Coming to recognize that, and perhaps have another monitor dedicated to video chat might ease the anxiety there.

I'm not unfamiliar with anxiety, and many times, what it most takes is identifying exactly what is causing it. And, while the list of questions I asked was far from exhaustive, it probably gives you some ideas on where to go to fix the problems you're having.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

DungeonmasterCal wrote:

Archpaladin Zousha wrote:

Can people who don't GM (it terrifies me) respond to this thread if they're feeling similarly, or should I make a separate thread for that?

I don't see why not!

Thank you, I didn't want to be rude.

Cards on the table up front: I'm on the autism spectrum (Asperger's was my initial diagnosis but that's outdated) and I'm currently seeing a therapist virtually every two weeks.

Most of my gaming these days has been play-by-post, almost since college about 12 years ago. But over the past couple of years (even before the pandemic) I've been struggling to get the same "magic" from any game I've been involved in: whether it's at the IRL tabletop, the forums here or a video game, I've found myself getting anxious about them rather than enjoying them. I feel like I've gotten less creative overall. I've been told by others I'm too dependent on other people TELLING me how to have fun rather than deciding what's fun for myself. I feel like I've got this massive pile of books and games I've spent all this money on that I should be playing to at least get my money's worth out of them, but they all seem like such big commitments in the limited amount of free-time I have nowadays. I keep up with the games I'm currently in, but posting in them, or joining the IRL one I'm in feels more and more like an obligation. I overthink trivial details like what a character's hair-color or voice says about them, wanting them to perfectly socket into the narratives of the APs, and most of my interest lies in the APs because I've spent so much money on them, so I have to play in them, but GMing terrifies me because it seems like so much work and I can't trust other players to be as invested in the lore and the AP's narrative as I am. Even in single player video games where ostensibly no one's going to see or care how I've chiseled a character who's perfectly molded to fit into it, and at the same time feels fake and artificial BECAUSE I went to all that trouble instead of just roleplaying and not caring about getting the perfect outcome.

This is supposed to be FUN. But I'm finding that I can't get into anything NEW because I get so anxious about it. The stuff I'm already in may feel like an obligation, but it's a comfortable one because I just have to keep going as I have been and it'll just play out eventually (two long-term play-by-posts I've played in from the beginning have just come to an end).

Sorry in advance for the rambly nature of this; even just getting it out into text felt both like trying to pull teeth and organizing a swarm of bees at the same time. I'm not sure I'm even making sense, but the core of it is, I want to have FUN again, but when I look at the commitment and get anxious about having fun CORRECTLY, I end up deciding that watching some YouTube videos or taking a nap feels easier.

[Tiona Daughtry]

Out of curiosity, pf1 preference, friend? I'm getting ready to start something, and still probably need a 4th, and, honestly, I think that *every one of us* currently agreeing to my game (via fgu) is on the spectrum...we still haven't set up a schedule (as I'm letting one of my players do some very 'oddball' things, and that takes time to set up)...

Honestly, finding a gaming group is very difficult for those of us on the spectrum, which is why I'm really glad that my group has such a strong component of the spectrum. We don't tell you that you have to have fun any specific way, and, indeed, one of my players specifically stated that his aversion to 4th when it came out was that it tried to *tell you that you weren't having fun if you didn't play things a certain way* (at least initially). That, too, is the player who's working out some very odd-ball characters. So, maybe you'd feel better in a truly supportive environment. And I do have a slot open, at that.

(note, for those uncertain: fgu means fantasy grounds unity, which I've got a large number of official mods for to make character creation and the like easier, and I am the only one who actually has to purchase those mods, since I'm hosting on an ultimate account. We also will be using discord for voice, but it's one good way to handle vtt, as we've got two players in michigan, one in australia, and I'm west coast us).

[DungeonmasterCal]

Hi, I have some pretty handy work sheets and tips for dealing with anxiety and panic that my therapist has emailed me. She's one of the few counselors I've ever had that has been helpful (I've been seeing therapists since 2007). If you're interested, PM me your email addie and I can send them to you. The one with the advice about "de-escalating" an anxiety or panic episode has been really helpful for me.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Tiona Daughtry wrote:

Out of curiosity, pf1 preference, friend? I'm getting ready to start something, and still probably need a 4th, and, honestly, I think that *every one of us* currently agreeing to my game (via fgu) is on the spectrum...we still haven't set up a schedule (as I'm letting one of my players do some very 'oddball' things, and that takes time to set up)...

Honestly, finding a gaming group is very difficult for those of us on the spectrum, which is why I'm really glad that my group has such a strong component of the spectrum. We don't tell you that you have to have fun any specific way, and, indeed, one of my players specifically stated that his aversion to 4th when it came out was that it tried to *tell you that you weren't having fun if you didn't play things a certain way* (at least initially). That, too, is the player who's working out some very odd-ball characters. So, maybe you'd feel better in a truly supportive environment. And I do have a slot open, at that.

Thank you, but no thank you. Part of the reason I stick with play-by-post is because my work and life schedules are both erratic.

[Fury Skullbert]

I've been wanting to get back into RPGs and GMing as well, but I've had mental health barriers as well.

It's been a combination of previous groups telling me that I wasn't very good at dialing back my "That Player" and "Main Character" tendencies, especially when I get too excited. As well as self esteem issues and anxiety which are... mostly manageable. I don't like to talk about the latter since most people I know have way worse anxiety issues than I do, which make mine feel like I'm complaining about nothing.

As for my bad table etiquette... Ehh... The best I can really say is that I like to think I've learned my lesson, and it was never on purpose. I'm still scared of messing things up though.