RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka WalterGM
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Alright Neil, make me cry sweet, sweet tears tonight.
Book of Infinite Insults*Your Superstar item is a +5 circumstance bonus on Intimidate and an extra round of inspire courage, inspire greatness, or inspire heroics on a Perform (comedy) check...all because you're reading from a book of insults?
*All for 5,000 gp?
*Vote to Reject.
*Agreed. Reject.
*Lame. Reject.
*Rejected.
Thanks for the comments. Post is screen capped and printed up against my monitor. Nothing like a 0/4 on a submission to motivate you to strive for something more.
New goal: 1 item a week until next years superstar. Maybe 1 of the 50 will be found worthy ;)
Alright. I've been resisting this thread for a while, but may as well post:
Umbral Spike
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot —; Price 34,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This jagged, matte grey metal shard is thirteen inches long, tapering to a point on either end. Shadowtongue inscriptions of inlayed tarnished silver cover its five irregular sides and it feels heavy and cool to the touch. Three times per day, the wielder may thrust the spike into a surface bearing a target creature's shadow, ignoring its hardness. The surface must be directly above, beneath or adjacent to the target, like a 5-foot square of wall, floor, or ceiling, but not attended objects.
Targeting a creature's shadow requires an attack roll against its touch AC using the spike as an improvised weapon. Success pins the target by its shadow, unable to move further than 30 feet from the spike without either carefully removing or forcibly tearing its shadow from the spike. For every 5 the attack roll exceeds the AC, reduce the target's radius of mobility by 5 feet. (eg; Rolling 27 against AC 7 pins the target to within 10 feet of the spike.) Pinned creatures pulled towards the spike provoke attacks of opportunity; those pulled vertically to a surface take falling damage if unable to hover (DC 15 Reflex for half). Missing does not expend charges; otherwise, treat the spike as a piton with Hardness 20.
Any creature in the spike's square may carefully free the target's shadow as a full round action provoking attacks of opportunity. Eliminating a pinned shadow (using darkness, invisibility, or teleportation effects) or forcibly freeing a shadow with a move action deals 1d6 points of Wisdom damage to the pinned creature. Mindless creatures do not willingly damage themselves. Removing the spike leaves the embedded surface unharmed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, darkness, dimensional anchor; Cost 17,000 gp.
Alright. I've been resisting this thread for a while, but may as well post:
Umbral Spike
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot —; Price 34,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.Description
This jagged, matte grey metal shard is thirteen inches long, tapering to a point on either end. Shadowtongue inscriptions of inlayed tarnished silver cover its five irregular sides and it feels heavy and cool to the touch. Three times per day, the wielder may thrust the spike into a surface bearing a target creature's shadow, ignoring its hardness. The surface must be directly above, beneath or adjacent to the target, like a 5-foot square of wall, floor, or ceiling, but not attended objects.Targeting a creature's shadow requires an attack roll against its touch AC using the spike as an improvised weapon. Success pins the target by its shadow, unable to move further than 30 feet from the spike without either carefully removing or forcibly tearing its shadow from the spike. For every 5 the attack roll exceeds the AC, reduce the target's radius of mobility by 5 feet. (eg; Rolling 27 against AC 7 pins the target to within 10 feet of the spike.) Pinned creatures pulled towards the spike provoke attacks of opportunity; those pulled vertically to a surface take falling damage if unable to hover (DC 15 Reflex for half). Missing does not expend charges; otherwise, treat the spike as a piton with Hardness 20.
Any creature in the spike's square may carefully free the target's shadow as a full round action provoking attacks of opportunity. Eliminating a pinned shadow (using darkness, invisibility, or teleportation effects) or forcibly freeing a shadow with a move action deals 1d6 points of Wisdom damage to the pinned creature. Mindless creatures do not willingly damage themselves. Removing the spike leaves the embedded surface unharmed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item,...
I think touch attacks make this too easy. It would also work better if an explanation was given as to how the shadow is tying the creature down.
I think touch attacks make this too easy. It would also work better if an explanation was given as to how the shadow is tying the creature down.
Well... you know... magic. It's a magic item. ;) They do things using "magic." :D
Or would you prefer I waxed philosophical about the arcane connection between an object and the shadow it casts, and how the spike plunges through the planar boundary to fix the shadow's caster to a corresponding space on the Prime/Shadow planar boundary?
That seemed excessive for the item entry, so I left it to the magic. The magic knows. ;)
-Ben.
That might have worked. :)
I would appreciate the judges' feedback on the Sluggard's Coffer (which is not a gag item) ;)
Sluggard’s Coffer
I can get into this one for you, if you like...
So this item lacks a certain amount of sexy. It's a chest version of the broom from the Sorcerer's Apprentice or a slightly better protected floating disk option, and I can see some abusive players trying to use it as a mount or a battering ram.
But what does it do? It carries stuff. I've got plenty to do that right now, yes? Haversack, bags, portable holes, secret chests. This is kind of fun because it's a statue that swallows things, but otherwise, if you could have this or a +2 stat bump item, which would you take? For me, that's a clear indication this needed more of the sexy. To me, even the name is uninspiring-- sluggard is a choice evoking something fat and boring, and why do I want that?
Your price seems off. (CL 11 * 6th level spell * 2000GP (constant use))*2 for slotless means you'd be far more expensive. I know you offset this by weakening the actions it can take, but to me, this means the spell choice was off from the start, and that suggests design weakness. Unseen Servant would have probably been better, then you'd be much closer to this price range. And really, by 11th level, if I don't have a sack/bag/hole/chest to drag my loot around, I'm doing something wrong.
That's going to be more than enough to kill the item:
1. not sexy
2. replicates existing functionality with less functionality at a higher price.
3. Odd pricing, implying loose design.
But I can totally see a circus commissioning a pile of them.
-Ben.
Helm of Eternal Hunger*A really annoying mechanic woven into the "must eat dead flesh" angle. This designer really just wants to force characters into eating every decomposing body they run across.
*Setting that aside, it's basically a SAK with some SIAC effects (i.e., black tentacles). They also referenced ghoul's touch which isn't the correct name for that spell.
*I also don't like the mechanic whereby the tentacles have a base CMB/CMD, but it's higher if the wearer's is better.
*All in all, I'm just not a fan of this one.
*Vote to Reject.
*Gonzo monsters in a can.
*Reject.
*Rejected.
Thanks for the raw commentary Neil.
After looking at the winners and then at my own, I see what judges look for. Back to the drawing boards.;
@Lorimir
If that's how you submitted your entry, you messed up the BBCode formatting, I'm afraid. See how the other entries have bolded and italicized words?
Other than that, you didn't describe the item; from the title I'd guess it's a vase, but since one doesn't normally wear vases, from a literal reading it's a medium-sized vase (or, in other words, a five foot tall vase...).
The slot type is right (though they prefer "none" instead of an em dash now), and you got the aura formatting right.
The weight seems fine (for a normal vase, which is what I think you meant).
The construction requirements are over done (you'd probably be okay with just gate.
The real issue is: what does this actually do? I've read it three times, and the best I can figure is that it changes summmon spells to callings (i.e. it makes the creature actually there, so it can actually die when killed). That is actually kind of innovative, but if it's what you were going for you didn't really do a great job of describing it.
A good trick to help with this kind of thing in the future is to give your item to someone else to read, without you explaining it to them verbally. After they've read it, get them to explain to you what it does. If they can't, or if they describe something other than what you intended, you need to rewrite.
The other problem is price, but how it should be priced depends on what you meant for it to do. At a minimum, though, for an item which is use activated or continuous (like this seems to be) it should have a price of at least 2000 gp, though there are exceptions (like a cloak of resistance +1).
Don't bother writing about possible variants ("Variants of this item can be made by a more advanced level caster,and can also use the Summon Nature's Ally tree"), first, because it's not required and just uses up words, and second, because it distracts from your...
Okay to respond to my critics here,the comments about formatting and item description are fair,but the provided template doesn't do a very good job of explaining that. I've seen a few pathfinder books which have spelling and grammar mistakes in them!
I was trying to create an item which, although was a spell in a can, could also be varied instead of being limited to one spell. I hadn't seen a vase in any of the pathfinder books I also didn't see a vase in any pathfinder book I read.
As for the Spellcraft save I was trying to get away from the cliche of having a Charisma based save. I heard the judges say in the recording elsewhere on the sight: "boring,that's what I expected to see!" (Sean said that if I'm not mistaken,but I'm not sure) that told me that I was just rehashing an old idea by going that route!
Seems my Post get lost :(
Map of tracking
Aura: Major conjunction/divination: CL: 10th
Price: 50.000 gp
A 1 ½ feet long map roll made of the finest leather. All over the case are imprints of adventures journeys, some of them well know other never told.
The Cap is decorated with a compass rose which always points north.
This map case is very helpful for the travelling adventurer. The case constantly draws a map of the surrounding area (10 mile radius) of the character as long as he is under open sky. This drawing doesn’t include interior of houses, structures or caves. As soon as the player entered a house, cave etc. and is no longer under open sky, the case map constantly draws a map from the players point of view.
The character can withdraw any already drawn map from the case. If the map left the hand of the case holder, it vanished after one hour and return to the case.
One time per week the character can teleport himself and up to six other persons to a place on any map which are drawn by the case. All who should be teleported have to touch the map.
Additional the case can be used as a containment of up to 40 scrolls (spells, maps, etc.), the scroll the player wanted is always at the top.
This item was a gift from the god of travels to a well-known adventurer, who have explored the unknown regions and lead many groups thru dangerous areas. Rumours told that at it’s creation the god of trickery, sneaked into the chamber and imbue his own piece of magic to the case. Sometimes it can happen that the player get a map of a unknown region or, in worsted case, the teleport bring them there.
Construction: Craft Wondrous Item, teleport, commune with nature, know direction Cost: 25.000 gp
Comments & Critics are welcome :)
P.S.: unfortunatly I dont have a copy of the original entry anymore (modified phrasing to get to the 300 word count).
I made them earrings because there's tons of gloves and bracers already and it's an underused slot.Ah, but you need to understand that part of the challenge of playing the game is making hard choices about which item in a particular slot is best for your character. That's why all the mental-stat-buffing items are headbands and all the physical-stat-buffing items are belts: instead of being able to have a belt of Str and gloves of Dex and an amulet of Con, you have to pick one for your belt slot.
By putting your item into an entirely different slot, you're taking away that hard choice: the PC can still have their favorite Core hand item and get to wear your physical-combat-oriented item in the head slot (a slot normally reserved for direct magical attacks, like a circlet of persuasion, circled of blasting or a helm of brilliance).
Picking magic items for your characters would be really easy if you could put any effect in any slot, but then you'd end up with headbands of Strength, boots of Wisdom, gloves of Intelligence, and bracers of Charisma, which is silly. When designing a new item, you need to look at other items already using that slot and say, "would an adventurer choose my item instead of one of the standard items already using that slot?" If the answer is "no," the correct response is "I need to make this item cooler so it is competitive with those items," not "I'll move it to a different, underused slot, so it doesn't have to compete with the obvious choices."
I thought i HAD addressed that hard choice. "you can choose the mental-stat buffing-headband like every other vanilla spell caster in existence, or you can choose this item that allows you do do something not normally possible for spell casters (make a ranged combat maneuver)".
Obviously you, and the rest of the judges see it differently than i do, so whatever. once again thanks for the feedback - now i'm off to read some round 2 goodness, ciao.
Go easy on me please.(Sorry, I'm sensitive :)) :
Lamb's Bonds
Aura: faint conjuration; CL 5th
Slot: wrists; Price 4000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description:
Crafted originally as a means to control the most violent of criminals, these have become popular amongst adventurers whose ideological requirements preclude lethal damage. All weapon damage by the wearer is non-lethal; this includes ranged and fist damage, but excludes damage to creatures with non-lethal damage immunity. Unlike the Merciful weapon enchantment, the bracers do not impart an extra d6 of non-lethal damage. Otherwise, the bracers function as normal shackles and can be locked onto the wearer’s wrists, or removed with a key or disable device check.
The bracers are roughly forged iron, resembling a pair of prisoner's shackles (with or without the connecting chain/locks). Words of the common tongue are engraved on the bracers; on the left: There is no hope for the aching world, and on the right: but the narrow and straight path of peace.
Lamb's Bonds, Greater
Aura: moderate conjuration; CL 6th
Slot: wrists; Price 8000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
These function as lamb's bonds, with the addition of penalties for lesser geas (–2 penalty to each of its ability scores for 24 hours, cumulative per day) applied should the wearer through direct actions cause lethal damage to a creature susceptible to non-lethal damage, e.g., pushing the creature off a cliff.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds; Cost 2000 gp
Requirements for lamb's bonds, greater: Craft Wondrous Item, lesser geas, cure light wounds; Cost 4000 gp
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Hat of Insulting Panache
I had to respond, cause I like the word panache(alot)! Not a judge, but here is my take:
First off, as a player, I could make dozens of doubles before combat. This would allow me to not have to worry about targeted spells, abilities, and attacks for the whole combat. You have no limit on uses per day.
Second, since the doubles are obviously not the user, why attack them? They are goofing off, while you are casting a spell or attacking. This item would be more useful if the doubles forced an attack against themselves. Using taunts or something. But a spellcaster might make a Knowledge check and just nuke your square.
Third, you forgot a DC against the effect of destroying the double. No save is pretty powerful and would increase the cost.
Fianlly, cost.
Command word = Spell level x caster level x 1,800 gp
2nd level spell x CL 6 X 1,800 gp = 21,600 gp. Not counting the lack of save DC. Which I think would nearly double the cost. You base price is less than 1/3 of just being a straight SIAC.
The hat works a lot like shocking image, which is mirror image plus. The effect (flatfooted) is very different from damage, but there are some real issues:
First, the lack of a save on the effect at all. I would put a DC 16 Will save in, most likely (because I would treat this as a 4th level spell effect).
Then, because it's a 4th level spell effect, the caster level needs to go up, and figure 4th level spell x CL 7th x (1800 / 5) = 10,080 gp. (I see the once per day and six minutes part).
Also, it occurs to me that you might need a clause similar to that of hideous laughter:
A creature with an Intelligence score of 2 or lower is not affected. A creature whose type is different from the caster's receives a +4 bonus on its saving throw, because humor doesn't "translate" well.
Yes, this is insults, but similarly, insults do not always translate well.
Lastly, I think you need to be more clear about the fact that this is an item which gives you mirror image, and a rider when an image is destroyed (which can be intentional or on an attempt to hit the wearer). The writeup references mirror image, but doesn't really specify that the images provide all the benefits of mirror image.
Think of phrasing more like
"Once per day, the wearer may command the hat to cast mirror image, producing 1d4+2 images which last for 6 (7) minutes. Whenever an image is destroyed by a melee attack, it gets one final parting shot at the attacker, making a gesture so insulting that the attacker must make a DC 16 Will save or be flat-footed for 1 round. Creatures whose type is different from the wearer's receive a +4 bonus on the saving throw, and creatures with Intelligence scores of 2 or lower are not affected. This is a mind-affecting effect."
I thought i HAD addressed that hard choice. "you can choose the mental-stat buffing-headband like every other vanilla spell caster in existence, or you can choose this item that allows you do do something not normally possible for spell casters (make a ranged combat maneuver)".
Actually, you didn't address that hard choice: Your item uses the head slot, but the Int/Wis/Cha buffing items use the headband slot. So a caster can wear your magic earrings and still have his +X Int/Wis/Cha headband.
Mind you, "I'm going to put something radically different in this slot" isn't a good design choice because the slots are set up to be competitive (similar abilities) so the fighter can't have a physical-belt and a physical-headband (because there aren't any good physical headbands), or the wizard can't have a caster-headband and a caster-belt (because there aren't any good caster belts). Because the belt items are about physical stuff, a wizard's not going to be able to do much with the belt slot. Likewise, the headband items are about caster-blaster stuff, and a fighter's not going to be able to do much with the headband slot. Them's the breaks. So when you start putting caster stuff in a belt, or physical stuff in a headband, that's basically opening up a new slot for those characters for cheap--the character's choice becomes "I either put NOTHING in that slot, or something USEFUL to my class," which is not a hard choice at all.
Edit: Also, I just realized that your item's aura is listed as "slight evocation" instead of "faint evocation," and you didn't include the name of your item in the body of your message. Technicalities, but something you should keep an eye on in the future.
I thought i HAD addressed that hard choice. "you can choose the mental-stat buffing-headband like every other vanilla spell caster in existence, or you can choose this item that allows you do do something not normally possible for spell casters (make a ranged combat maneuver)".Actually, you didn't address that hard choice: Your item uses the head slot, but the Int/Wis/Cha buffing items use the headband slot. So a caster can wear your magic earrings and still have his +X Int/Wis/Cha headband.
Mind you, "I'm going to put something radically different in this slot" isn't a good design choice because the slots are set up to be competitive (similar abilities) so the fighter can't have a physical-belt and a physical-headband (because there aren't any good physical headbands), or the wizard can't have a caster-headband and a caster-belt (because there aren't any good caster belts). Because the belt items are about physical stuff, a wizard's not going to be able to do much with the belt slot. Likewise, the headband items are about caster-blaster stuff, and a fighter's not going to be able to do much with the headband slot. Them's the breaks. So when you start putting caster stuff in a belt, or physical stuff in a headband, that's basically opening up a new slot for those characters for cheap--the character's choice becomes "I either put NOTHING in that slot, or something USEFUL to my class," which is not a hard choice at all.
Edit: Also, I just realized that your item's aura is listed as "slight evocation" instead of "faint evocation," and you didn't include the name of your item in the body of your message. Technicalities, but something you should keep an eye on in the future.
Damn! i didn't even notice that there was a headband slot. I thought they just used the head slot. so on that point i have to concede to my own stupidity for not realizing there was a difference. I still don't agree with you about the "physical stuff in a headband" point. Since only casters can use the earrings, the whole belt issue is a mute point as it relates to my item.
So I'm gonna agree to disagree with you and then let the matter drop.In the immortal words of Mick Foley "Have a nice day!"
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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aka FaxCelestis
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Actually, you didn't address that hard choice: Your item uses the head slot, but the Int/Wis/Cha buffing items use the headband slot. So a caster can wear your magic earrings and still have his +X Int/Wis/Cha headband.
...aren't those the same slot? If he meant the face slot, that's one thing, but a hat goes on the crown slot just like a circlet, a phylactery, or a--*looks it up*--WOW I never noticed PF did that change. Seems like James Knowles is, like me, still discovering little bits of PF that changed. Even for someone who knows the system, though, I can see a source of confusion: if it were me I would've called the headband slot the 'crown' slot, for clarity's sake. Still, I didn't make PF, so it's not my call. And, if you're entering into a design contest like this, it's your responsibility to make sure your item adheres to those changes, even one as stealthy as that.
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Okay, if any of the judges (or anyone else) can point out where I went wrong with this (some of it I can probably guess), I'd be happy to hear it.
Impostor's Fan
1) The thing that stuck out the most for me was the item has no aura or faint illusion. You list an illusion, transmustaion and abjuration spells as requirements. Why illusion and not the others? Abjuration is the highest level spell on the item. If it lists no aura, then a character might never know they received a wondrous item. Why would they identify something that didn't appear magical using detect magic? I would list one aura and describe the other in the description, which you did again. (See 4 below)
2) The action to notice the message being sent. I agree a Perception was needed to notice. But if you pick up the fan and wave it about, they will get an easier than DC 25 Perception check to notice that.
3) Using comprehend languages and tongues would not reveal you sent a magical message. Your item just blocks understanding from those spells. Detect magic might reveal that magic was used or a Knowledge (arcana) might identify the fan as magical. Can a Linguistics check understand the message?
4) Not big on the fan having an alignment determined at creation. Makes it more like a plot device or railroad item to force something on the players. Plus if the fan masks an alignment as only one type, how does the fan itself not have an alignment aura?
5) Identify does not have a Will save to use. DC 13 Will save is an easy check for a spellcaster anyway. You could call for a higher than normal Spellcraft check.
6) Cost. The listed price is a little over 1/3 of what it should be. 3 different use activated or continus abilities.
(2nd level spell {undetectable alignment} X CL 5 x 2,000 gp) + 1.5(1st level spell {magic aura} X CL 5 x 2,000 gp) + 1.5(0 level spell [.5] {message} X CL 5 x 2,000 gp)
(20,000) + 1.5(10,000) + 1.5(5,000) = 20,000 + 15,000 + 7,500
42,500 gp item which you priced at 15,000gp
Actually, you didn't address that hard choice: Your item uses the head slot, but the Int/Wis/Cha buffing items use the headband slot. So a caster can wear your magic earrings and still have his +X Int/Wis/Cha headband....aren't those the same slot? If he meant the face slot, that's one thing, but a hat goes on the crown slot just like a circlet, a phylactery, or a--*looks it up*--WOW I never noticed PF did that change. Seems like James Knowles is, like me, still discovering little bits of PF that changed. Even for someone who knows the system, though, I can see a source of confusion: if it were me I would've called the headband slot the 'crown' slot, for clarity's sake. Still, I didn't make PF, so it's not my call. And, if you're entering into a design contest like this, it's your responsibility to make sure your item adheres to those changes, even one as stealthy as that.
I never noticed that either. Wow! I'll be sure to bring that one up next time I play a caster...
Metallurgist's Lodestone... rejection commentary...
Wauw. I know you porbably won't have time for this, but I have the strangest post-rejection butterflies fluttering around my stomach.
A lengthy commentary on why I feel happy for this, spoilered for silly over-wordiness:
Thanks a lot for this. You just made me reconsider my design process (or rather, how much I let feedback from readers/commenters change my design choices) and come out on the side of trusting my own choices more than before. That's got to be the one feeling I did not expect from this. I feel absolutely elated over this.
I take one lesson away from this commentary, more than anything else: to practice my trust in my own design choices, even over feedback from others, when I like what I'm doing. I thank you all for that lesson. I'm already thrilled for next year.
Thank you a lot for the comments.
Wauw. I know you porbably won't have time for this, but I have the strangest post-rejection butterflies fluttering around my stomach....Thank you a lot for the comments.
You're quite welcome, Luthia. I pretty much read everything here. And I mean everything. I don't always return comments on everything, of course, as some of it doesn't require or need further dialogue. There's a lot of information here for anyone with the insight and perseverance to find it, absorb it, and apply it. It always makes me happy to see folks find something they can take away and improve...whether that's with their own individual item's feedback or someone else's. It's all good.
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Actually, you didn't address that hard choice: Your item uses the head slot, but the Int/Wis/Cha buffing items use the headband slot. So a caster can wear your magic earrings and still have his +X Int/Wis/Cha headband....aren't those the same slot? If he meant the face slot, that's one thing, but a hat goes on the crown slot just like a circlet, a phylactery, or a--*looks it up*--WOW I never noticed PF did that change. Seems like James Knowles is, like me, still discovering little bits of PF that changed. Even for someone who knows the system, though, I can see a source of confusion: if it were me I would've called the headband slot the 'crown' slot, for clarity's sake. Still, I didn't make PF, so it's not my call. And, if you're entering into a design contest like this, it's your responsibility to make sure your item adheres to those changes, even one as stealthy as that.
I posted this in another thread, but it may be good to address this issue here:
Knowing your slots is good; to teach myself (since I was dependent on the old 3.5 magic item sheet) I corrected the old magic item sheet and added the extra slots (there are more in PFRPG than 3.5) and made sure I had everything labeled correctly, photocopied it and still use it for all of my PCs I play. I also have one out and look at it every time I'm serious about designing a magic item, but that's just an idiosyncrasy.
Talk about accessorizing! There is a headband slot, a head slot, and an eyes slot; you can put a lot of junk on your character's head. :-P
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Talk about accessorizing! There is a headband slot, a head slot, and an eyes slot; you can put a lot of junk on your character's head. :-P
Meant for the wanna-be biker:
Bandana of Coolness = ignore nonlethal damage from heatSunglasses of Awesome = +2 to all Intimidation checks
Half-helmet of Wrecking = ignore all falling damage
Regarding the direct comment of the judge: if I imagine a badass monk, then he doesn't need to rely on 4 round/day to be terrifying. A monk that actually benefits from this would have say 10 Strength and 20 Wisdom (along with high Dexterity and Weapon Finesse). In such a situation I don't see the 4 rounds/day as being particularly crazy.
*Wisdom instead of STR to damage, how convenient for a monk. It's "only" 4 rounds/day, but imagine a badass monk making 7 attacks per round and you'll understand why that's a problem.
Without spending too much time on my rejected entry, I'd first like to thank everyone for the critiques. I found them extremely helpful and informative, and was near giddy with the 'wall of text' it received! (ugh *CMD rolls* seems so OBVIOUS now- d'oh!!)
I've read the threads of previous contests, and to get some inkling of the 'why not me' is really helpful. Your comments highlight the choices I made and also questioned. Thank you.
The idea was 'Monks are cool, but have few specialized items. What if I tweaked Weapon Finesse to use Wisdom instead of Strength? Pretty neat idea.' And I had in mind the monk using Strength as a low-ball stat, or focusing on Wisdom as her best. I'm sure they're out there...
I also decided I should invite everyone to the party to avoid the Monk's Robe comparison.
And then it spiraled out of control ;)
Boots of the Relentless
Aura Faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot feet; Price 2,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Urban rangers have created the boots of the relentless to compensate for the lack of agility of city guards often unable to catch up with scoundrels of all kinds. First, the boots keep the wearer’s legs fresh. A fatigued character wearing the boots of the relentless can run and charge normally. Additionally, the wearer can navigate freely through obstructed ground. Twice per day as a free action, the wearer can treat up to 30 feet of difficult terrain as normal terrain. This distance need not be continuous but the effect dissipates at the end of the round. Lastly, a character wearing the boots has an advantage when participating in a foot chase (see Pathfinder RPG Game Mastery Guide 232). The boots give a +10 foot enhancement bonus to the wearer’s land speed during a chase. This effect is not cumulative with similar effects, such as those provided by haste. Moreover, the boots of the relentless literally guide the wearer who gets a +3 competence bonus on Acrobatics, Climb and Escape Artist checks, again only during a chase. The wearer also recovers quickly when thwarted by obstacles. Failed obstacle checks are always considered missed by 5 or less. Even after failing two obstacle checks, the wearer never becomes mired. Unfortunately, criminals have also adopted these boots to run from the law.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, feather step, longstrider, tireless pursuit, creator must have 3 ranks in the Acrobatics, Climb and Escape Artist skills; Cost 1,250 gp
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
aka Dementrius
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Aura moderate varied; CL 9th
Slot -; Price 54,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
This 3-foot-long branding iron is crafted of three entwined, blackened rods set into a yew handle. When grasped by the handle, the rods writhe to form a symbol of the bearer’s choice. Up to four times per day, on command, the head of the brand of the amaranthine cadre grows incandescent, allowing the bearer to brand a willing or helpless creature, inflicting 1d6 points of fire damage. The brand lasts until the marked creature receives magical healing, recovers hit points naturally, or the brand is dispelled. A creature unharmed by this fire damage does not receive the brand.
Creatures marked by the brand of the amaranthine cadre experience a powerful synergetic link with others bearing identical brands, manifesting their allies’ shadows and voices in unison with their own. Allied creatures bearing identical brands receive double the normal bonus granted by teamwork feats when working cooperatively. If the teamwork feat grants an additional attack of opportunity or immediate action, an allied branded creature receives a +2 morale bonus to the roll.
The bearer of the brand of the amaranthine cadre treats branded creatures as within 5 feet when determining the effects of its auras and emanation spells. This ability functions while the creatures are on the same plane of existence.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark, heat metal, heroism, telepathic bond; Cost 27,000 gp
I would appreciate the judges' feedback on the Sluggard's Coffer (which is not a gag item) ;)
Sluggard’s Coffer
I can get into this one for you, if you like...
So this item lacks a certain amount of sexy. It's a chest version of the broom from the Sorcerer's Apprentice or a slightly better protected floating disk option, and I can see some abusive players trying to use it as a mount or a battering ram.
But what does it do? It carries stuff. I've got plenty to do that right now, yes? Haversack, bags, portable holes, secret chests. This is kind of fun because it's a statue that swallows things, but otherwise, if you could have this or a +2 stat bump item, which would you take? For me, that's a clear indication this needed more of the sexy. To me, even the name is uninspiring-- sluggard is a choice evoking something fat and boring, and why do I want that?
Your price seems off. (CL 11 * 6th level spell * 2000GP (constant use))*2 for slotless means you'd be far more expensive. I know you offset this by weakening the actions it can take, but to me, this means the spell choice was off from the start, and that suggests design weakness. Unseen Servant would have probably been better, then you'd be much closer to this price range. And really, by 11th level, if I don't have a sack/bag/hole/chest to drag my loot around, I'm doing something wrong.
That's going to be more than enough to kill the item:
1. not sexy
2. replicates existing functionality with less functionality at a higher price.
3. Odd pricing, implying loose design.But I can totally see a circus commissioning a pile of them.
-Ben.
Thank you for the critique Ben.
I can see your points and I understand what you are saying.
Prizing was a gamble. As it only uses elements of animate objects I thought it more balanced to set the prize by comparing to existing similar functionality items (bag of holding).
I don't think items should be too dependant on caster level or construction requirements, since most of these can be disregarded during item creation by increasing craft DC.
I can see the lack of sexy you refer to, and it is probably the biggest flaw. I was going for a mix of humor and roleplay options and utility.
Utility: In this case it is to help very physicaly weak characters and provide assistance to characters who have a habbit of droping items in combat wands, bows, etc. as the coffer will try to catch these.
The point made by judges about eliminating risk is however completely void as the coffer cannot search areas, open containers, outrun foes or withstand any significant amount of damage. Sending the coffer somewhere unsafe or taking it into combat is a calculated risk.
To me the likeness with dancing huts was an awesome aspect which apparently does not really have a broad appeal.
I dont know the broom you are refering to in your critique or have read Discworld, so I am unaware of those references. But that this sort of item is found in fiction outside D&D/Pathfinder and that there is no such item available in the game tells me there actually should be one.
However, that there is a whole in the list of available items in the game does not in itself constitute a Super Star potential, that is clear.
Thanks again Ben. If anyone else would care to comment on the Sluggard's Coffer I will appreciate it. I am still curious to hear what any of the judges might be willing to add to this.
Enchanted Bottle
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot ____; Price 4,000 gp; Weight ____.
Description
A corked, clear flask sized glass bottle usually containing a fine scale model replica of a sea going sailing ship but occasionally found empty or full of a liquid which usually weighs less than one pound. Each bottle has three command activation phrases comprised of two to eight words determined at creation for open, close or exit. Entry and exit through the extra dimensional portal doorway is limited to ten minute periods (or until ordered closed) up to ten times a week, but no more than twice a day unless the creature is ejected for speaking the exit phrase. While the doorway is open creatures may come and go. If eight or more creatures are inside the extra dimensional space when the doorway closes all are ejected since the enchanted bottle can only hold up to seven creatures of any size when the portal is closed.
The single 3-foot-by-5-foot doorway acts as a one way window for viewing the bottle surroundings which is invisible to observers when the portal is closed.
Breathable air is not an issue during extended stays.
Treat the bottle as a handy haversack when interacting with other extra dimensional items and portable holes.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, rope trick ; Cost 2,000 gp
#2 Extradimensional camping space :)
So, now that we're in a lull with the voting for Round 2, I'm going to circle back and start compiling a list of items I want to draw up for a more in-depth critique. Rather than sprinkle those all across this thread, I'm thinking it might make more sense to do a separate one. That way, we can think of this thread as the place where people "ask for feedback"...we give them the quick hit with the judges' discussion of their item here...but then we take the ones we cherry pick off to another thread where we give a more complete analysis. That'll let me continue copy/pasting the judges' discussion of items for the new requests that show up here (some of which I might also tag for an in-depth review in the other thread). At the same time, Sean is essentially doing the same thing with his offer to provide developer's feedback to the items that made the Keep folder. He's got a separate Item Feedback thread for that. If you see the word "Kept" in any of the judges' discussion I've already posted here, you should head on over to Sean's thread and he'll give you some awesome coaching on it.
In the meantime, if any of you followed along last year, you should also know my process. I go line-by-line through your submission, giving you the same type of feedback you might get from a developer or an editor. Make no illusions, however. I'm neither of those things. I'm just a guy who's been through the contest a couple of years ago, went on to write some stuff for Paizo, and then came back to serve as a judge. I'll do my best to suss out the particular pitfalls some of these items fell into...at least, in terms of why they didn't get pulled up into the Keep folder or stick around for the Top 32. But, anything I share in these reviews will still primarily be my own opinion...and it's just a single opinion...not necessarily a definitive one. Hopefully, you guys can take from it what you can, apply the lessons universally to your stuff (whether I select your specific item for a review or not), and then come back better prepared for next year.
Now, I want to stress one other thing here and now. I'm NOT going to be able to do reviews on every item that was posted here. It's just too much. I'll go brain dead before I could even get halfway through them. In prior years, Clark and the other judges have always had to eventually abandon these reviews when they reach their breaking point. Eventually, they become very repetitive anyway. We should be able to talk about items which ran into the exact same pitfall in general terms by reviewing a single representative item of that particular problem area. The trick for you guys following along is to assess the discussion of those items and determine how much of the lessons-learned might apply to yours. And, quite frankly, you'll improve much more if you come to these realizations than if you just wait for us to point them out for you. That's because improving as a game designer (much like education, in general) is far more in your hands than just the hands of the one presenting you with a lesson to be learned.
So, as long as everyone's comfortable with those ground rules, I'll start a new thread here shortly. But I'm still looking back across all the feedback requests in this forum to pick the ones I think can provide the most valuable lessons. Once I start posting my reviews, please don't attempt to engage me in a back-and-forth rules discussion or a bunch of clarifications. I'm not interested in justifying anything or being put in a position where I have to defend what I've posted. If it's helpful to you, great. If you disagree with it, that's fine, too. As I said, it'll only be one opinion on the things I think could have made your entry stronger. And, because I'll try to move through as many feedback requests as possible...and, due to my obligations to the current RPG Superstar competitors...I won't have time to come back and discuss your items in any more detail than what I manage to provide in my review. I hope everyone understands. It's my goal to be as helpful as I can, but I can't be all things to all people.
Sincerely,
--Neil
Hey, another branding iron item. My submission was a branding iron too. You can find it here. And its critique here and my response just below it.
I don't usually critique other's items on here but since we both did the rare branding iron I will give you my take.
Brand of the Amaranthine Cadre
First off, good name!
Slot -; Price 54,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
After reading what the item does my thought is the price is too high (see below). I think the weight is a little light too, but no big deal. In hindsight, I probably made mine too heavy.
This 3-foot-long branding iron is crafted of three entwined, blackened rods set into a yew handle. When grasped by the handle, the rods writhe to form a symbol of the bearer’s choice.
Good description. I'm not sure branding irons were usually set into a handle, but maybe a magic one would be.
Up to four times per day, on command, the head of the brand of the amaranthine cadre grows incandescent, allowing the bearer to brand a willing or helpless creature, inflicting 1d6 points of fire damage. The brand lasts until the marked creature receives magical healing, recovers hit points naturally, or the brand is dispelled. A creature unharmed by this fire damage does not receive the brand.
It is a bit odd that time item can be used four times per day. Of the top of my head I can't think of another item that is usable four times per day. Maybe it should have been three times for consistency. I think "incandescent" as a poor word choice. When I think of incandescent I think of indoor lighting. My brand was dispelled by healing too (magical) so I obviously think that is cool, but here it is getting rid of a positive effect making healing a bad thing. The person using this item will have to re-brand his friends every day or so and keep their hit points down. Not only that, it doesn't say how much healing removes it. If I take 6 damage does the next 1 point of healing I get remove the brand? What if I take 12 points of damage from weapons before I heal any damage the brand dealt me? Does it still remove my brand getting only 1 point of healing?
Creatures marked by the brand of the amaranthine cadre experience a powerful synergetic link with others bearing identical brands, manifesting their allies’ shadows and voices in unison with their own.
This sounds like it might be cool, but I just don't get what it means. Does it mean their shadows are always connected on the ground and when one speaks it sounds like they all are speaking? It is confusing and I think it could be put better.
Allied creatures bearing identical brands receive double the normal bonus granted by teamwork feats when working cooperatively. If the teamwork feat grants an additional attack of opportunity or immediate action, an allied branded creature receives a +2 morale bonus to the roll.
The bearer of the brand of the amaranthine cadre treats branded creatures as within 5 feet when determining the effects of its auras and emanation spells. This ability functions while the creatures are on the same plane of existence.
The problem is that item does little for you if you AND your branded allies don't have the same teamwork feats (my overall issue with the teamwork feats). Of course it has some synergy with cavalier and inquisitor class features, but overall it's pretty niche. The second ability seems more powerful, but still limited to characters with auras and aura spells and that's not a lot. Finally all these effects are dispelled if your branded allies get some healing. For the 56,000 gp asking price you could buy Eyes of Charming of a Lord's Banner both seem more powerful and useful. On a side note, my second choice for entry in this years contest was a pendant I created that used the teamwork feats in its mechanics. Your item sort of combined my two items into one.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark, heat metal, heroism, telepathic bond; Cost 27,000 gp
Finally, other than the cost lowering with the price, I think you could have dropped the heroism spell from the requirements. More than that, the Brand or Greater Brand spell from the Inquisitor spell list would have been a good fit with the teamwork feat mechanics since Inquisitors have the Teamwork bonus feats. The greater version could have easily replaced both Heat Metal and Arcane Mark. You might have also required the creator have one or two teamwork feats themselves. I think Telepathic Bond fits pretty well.
Overall, not terrible in my opinion. Hopefully you will get to see what the judges thought soon. Keep working on items and good luck in next years RPG Superstar.
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Andrew Christian wrote:
Irisated Tabard
Some up's and down's on this one.
*A potentially annoying item. It's basically the "once per day, I want to make sure I can choose to negate a devastating blow on my character and not just avoid it, but automatically inflict it on an enemy of my choice" item. And, oh yeah, give me +10 on my Perception checks so no one can surprise me, too. Meh. No thanks.
*Vote to Reject.
*Its basically a controlled twisted space in a can, or in this case a tabbard. Yes, its annoying, but it mimics a spell effect. Granted, I didn't need the overly dramatic iris stuff in the description.
*Frankly, this item highlights that the spell twisted space is poorly designed. The spell, as I read it, redirects an attack towards another random target [who was threatened by the original attack], though it doesn't clearly say that [material in brackets by me]. This tabard lets the wearer redirect the attack to any target within 55 feet (not sure where they got that from).
*The real question is this redirected attack. If the item didn't have it redirected at the will of the user then this would just be a spell in a can. So I compliment the author on that change. But this only works on a successful sneak attack or critical hit. THEN the item, as an immediate action, is triggered. That to me is where the bad design happens. You can't wait until after the hit to use the effect. We dont have that in the game, or at least not very often (luck effects to cause rerolls).
*Vote to Reject. But I liked this alot more than you and I think it shows promise.
*SIAC. Damage is not an 'effect' and can't be transferred. The logic bombs here will explode the heads of many players.
*Vote to Reject.
*Rejected.
Irisated Tabard
Aura faint transmutation and enchantment; CL 12th
Slot body; Price 33,800 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The back panel of this sky-blue tabard is embroidered with a giant iridescent iris.Once per day, when a critical hit or sneak attack is scored on the wearer, they may allow the irisated tabard to activate as an immediate action. Upon activation, space between the wearer and attacker twists and the iris opens. A secondary dilated iris appears within 55 feet, over a creature of the wearer’s choice. The irisated tabard pulls the attack effect into its iris and expels it through the secondary iris with a translucent image of the attack. The critical hit or sneak attack is then scored on the new target.
If there is no secondary target available, this ability may not be used.
The irisated tabard confers a +10 circumstance bonus to Perception checks to avoid being surprised.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, twisted space; Cost 16,900 gp
Since its going to be awhile before Neil can get to posting the judge comments, I'll give a shot at critiquing my own item.
Since its going to be awhile before Neil can get to posting the judge comments, I'll give a shot at critiquing my own item.
1) Irisated is not a real word. I thought it sounded cool and riffed off the iris on the tabard, but this may have ruffled the judges a bit.
2) Statblock generally ok, except enchantment shows up in the aura. This was a holdover from an initial draft where I had murderous command as a spell requirement. I forgot to double check that I'd removed all vestiges of that spell.
3)If the item activates by reaction to a specific event or set of events, then its a triggered item and the type of action doesn't need to be stated. It was redundant to say it activated as an immediate action, when the action is a triggered or reactionary one. While this might not fly in the face of action economy, it surely shows that this item wasn't ready for prime time. Some tightening up of this sort of mistake would have made it better, but this wasn't the fatal flaw.
4)The fact that the redirected attack apparently automatically scores on the new target should be reconfigured. I only had 162 words in this item, so had plenty of space to discuss that the to hit roll (and critical back-up if appropriate) must be applied to the new creature's AC or at least allow the new creature a reflex saving throw would have been appropriate. I felt this was a fatal flaw.
5) 55 feet is a strange number for an item. I was basing this off the caster level for a short range spell. But I could have said the effect was a short range effect instead of listing the feet. Although the distance is often listed in magic items. Exact distance probably didn't matter, 30 feet or 60 feet would have been better. Additionally, how does the distance affect ranged attacks or ranged spells. There should have been something about ranged and targeted spells only being able to be redirected at a new target still within the range of the spell as though the caster cast at the new target.
6) The +10 bonus was probably overkill. A +5 bonus would have been sufficient.
7) I have a sneaking suspicion that a similar item was submitted in past years, and I am just not remembering it right now.
8) I really should have spent more time on this item, but time did not permit and I wrote this one up last minute. Not an excuse, just the reality of my situation. Its ok though, as it is allowing me to spend more time honing my writing skills on an Open Design project.
I’d be interested in knowing if my self-critique was pretty on spot or not. The raw judge commentary was actually quite helpful to be honest. But being that it wasn’t an in depth review, I am not sure if some of the nitpicking I did on myself really matters as much as I noted.
Neil, I'd appreciate it a lot if in your quest to give in-depth feedback you could give a full account of Ki Waterfall. The name aside, I'm still convinced that the idea is great; thus I attribute my failing with the judges as an inability to convey the idea correctly. I think I've got a good feel for the balance and do not consider the item to break things.
As an aside, I consider a Superstar item to be one that creates new ways of playing a class/character. In this case the Ki Waterfall is intended to create a "support" style monk (or ninja) character that can share the effects of his ki abilities with allies.
thank you
(PS - and I do not at all understand the one judge's comments regarding level)
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Irisated Tabard
I get the anime inspiration. And judges and you caught most of issues. I expect the cost should have been much higher though. My guestimate:
Cost = 37,800-ish gp
1) Spell = 9,600 gp, increased 300% to 28,800 since the hit is guarenteed, 55' range, and wearer chooses target. Twisted space changes which creature the hit is directer towards and there is still a chance the original target can be hit. Plus the attack roll still has to hit versus AC.
2) Skill = 10,000 gp, -10% to 9,000 gp since it is not all uses of the skill, but the most common use.
That way, we can think of this thread as the place where people "ask for feedback"...we give them the quick hit with the judges' discussion of their item here...but then we take the ones we cherry pick off to another thread where we give a more complete analysis. That'll let me continue copy/pasting the judges' discussion of items for the new requests that show up here (some of which I might also tag for an in-depth review in the other thread).
Apologies if this was asked before [1], but why not improve the submission system so that as the judges enter their initial notes on the item, they are simply recorded and revealed to us privately after announcement of the finalists. if all we are looking for is a quick and dirty accounting of how the judges felt about our submission, we can get that without any judge having to do any extra work after the announcement. This "critique-my-item" thread seems like a stop gap for the lack of such a feature in the submission system. It appears as though you're just copying and pasting from some other record source anyway, why not just link that source on an individual item post basis and focus your in-depth discussions and analysis on the "keep" items that didn't make it?
Personally, I'd be happy with the rough and terse notes. I wouldn't ask for dialogue on the topic unless my item somehow made someone's keep pile, and then I might be bold enough to ask for more clarification. If mine was an auto-reject, I just need to know on which aspect. I'd take my notes, humble pie, and hopefully not repeat that mistake next year.
The trick for you guys following along is to assess the discussion of those items and determine how much of the lessons-learned might apply to yours. And, quite frankly, you'll improve much more if you come to these realizations than if you just wait for us to point them out for you. That's because improving as a game designer (much like education, in general) is far more in your hands than just the hands of the one presenting you with a lesson to be learned.
While I wouldn't disagree with you here at all, I would like to humbly submit that there are, as most of the judges have often expressed, certain biases and prejudices inherent in the subjective voting of the first round. While it may be helpful to learn from other's mistakes, it might also be helpful for those of us who thought they may have had a rather unique item to gain further insights into our failures aside from the simple facts that are present in the mechanics discussions of other items. To my mind, there are the mechanics and formatting, which are mostly facts based and not as easily debated, and there are the non-tangible properties that make it "supahstahr". Insight on the later is just as useful to me as the former.
I'd rather see in-depth discussions on the items that were close and try to learn the wisdom to discern the difference in subtle failings, than to wade through the glut of auto-rejects trying to sift gold from dust. I think the system can do more to help the judges.
[1] I looked but found no such query
Apologies if this was asked before [1], but why not improve the submission system so that as the judges enter their initial notes on the item, they are simply recorded and revealed to us privately after announcement of the finalists.
Because up until yesterday, the website didn't have a private messaging feature.
What Neil has been posting has been our replies to each anonymous poster's item, in standard message board format, just like what you see when the Top 32 are revealed.
why not just link that source on an individual item post basis and focus your in-depth discussions and analysis on the "keep" items that didn't make it?
Because we don't want to give anyone the false impression that they're ever going to get any feedback on their items. What Neil is doing is unprecedented.
Perhaps in future competitions we can set it up so people can opt-in for automatic judge feedback once the Top 32 go live, but that's on the tech side of things and not my call.
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Perhaps in future competitions we can set it up so people can opt-in for automatic judge feedback once the Top 32 go live, but that's on the tech side of things and not my call.
And perhaps in future competitions you could use a scoring system. Even a A-F scale would give inherent feedback. Plus you could sort items that way to more clearly see what makes the cut.
Apologies if this was asked before [1], but why not improve the submission system so that as the judges enter their initial notes on the item, they are simply recorded and revealed to us privately after announcement of the finalists. if all we are looking for is a quick and dirty accounting of how the judges felt about our submission, we can get that without any judge having to do any extra work after the announcement. This "critique-my-item" thread seems like a stop gap for the lack of such a feature in the submission system. It appears as though you're just copying and pasting from some other record source anyway, why not just link that source on an individual item post basis and focus your in-depth discussions and analysis on the "keep" items that didn't make it?
[1] I looked but found no such query
You're correct in guessing this has been asked before :D But yeah, it's tough to find - this issue is usually raised as a tangent to some other thread (like now!), so you've really gotta dig.
The question recently came up again; here's two responses I hope you'll find helpful.
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Irisated TabardI get the anime inspiration. And judges and you caught most of issues. I expect the cost should have been much higher though. My guestimate:
Cost = 37,800-ish gp
1) Spell = 9,600 gp, increased 300% to 28,800 since the hit is guarenteed, 55' range, and wearer chooses target. Twisted space changes which creature the hit is directer towards and there is still a chance the original target can be hit. Plus the attack roll still has to hit versus AC.2) Skill = 10,000 gp, -10% to 9,000 gp since it is not all uses of the skill, but the most common use.
Thanks Thomas, yeah, I totally boffed the mechanics by not requiring the retargted hit to actually be successful against the new target's AC.
I take one lesson away from this commentary, more than anything else: to practice my trust in my own design choices, even over feedback from others, when I like what I'm doing.
Luthia, that is a great thing to learn. I think it is not just key to RPG Superstar but also to life. Trust your gut. It's always better to rise or fall on what you believe in than to do so on stuff others think. We so often say we are looking for "mojo," but really that is mostly just spark, inspiration and passion. That doesn't come from someone else's idea, it comes from your idea. If you dont believe in it, your item wont have that spark or passion. Design comes from the head, yes, but passion from the heart. I want both. And you can tell an item that has that heart in it. The best way to get that is to make choices you believe in and run with them. I'm glad to see you come to this conclusion from this contest. Great insight.
Okay. I guess curiosity is getting the better of me. I think I know the problems and I think I can see eye to eye on most of them. I really enjoy the mechanic of making difficult choices and I've never played in games were you 'buy' magical items...so that makes it look like I'm trying to nerf an item for a cost--something I definitely wasn't conscious of during the creative process. I just really enjoy the tension and excitment to an encounter this item can bring...be it pc or npc or monster.
As well, I thought the mechanic for for wayfinders was really neat and had been basically unexplored...something I discovered was quite untrue after I had entered my item.
Thank-you in advance for any commentary from the judges.
Wayfinder of the Unredeemed
Aura faint abjuration and evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 6000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small compass looks and feels exactly like the symbolic wayfinder prized by the renowned agents of the Pathfinder Society. The wayfinder of the unredeemed, similarly, acts as a nonmagical compass (magnetic) granting a +2 circumstance bonus on Survival checks to avoid becoming lost--all other likenesses end there. Created by a splintered sect of the Pathfinder Society called the Unredeemers, the compass is a tool of deception and harm rather than one of discovery and light.
The wayfinder of the unredeemed darkens its path (as the darkness spell) with a command word and, if an ioun stone is placed in a small recessed compartment of the compass, can trigger a powerful explosion. A standard action may insert (or remove) the ioun stone causing (or preventing) a delayed 10 ft radius explosion of 6d6 points of force damage 1d4 rounds later. Anyone within 5 ft of the compass will take full damage with no save; while, all other creatures within the 10 ft radius are entitled to a Reflex save (DC 14) for half damage. There is a 25% chance that the ioun stone is destroyed and a 15% chance that the compass is destroyed each time an explosion is triggered. Ioun stones that survive the explosion are temporarily inert and will not reactivate the compass, or bestow benefits, for the next 24 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, explosive runes, darkness; Cost 3000 gp
Perhaps in future competitions we can set it up so people can opt-in for automatic judge feedback once the Top 32 go live, but that's on the tech side of things and not my call.
Charge RL gp for such. :)
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 9
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Judges, please give me feedback:
Phantom Flanking Doll
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot —; Price 20,160 gp; Weight –
DESCRIPTION
This featureless tiny rag doll is stitched with arcane runes. Once per day the bearer can hurl the doll up to 30 feet away transforming it into a dark masked figure with rapier at the ready. For stats use Bandit from the Game Mastery Guide p. 258 and add darkvision and the incorporeal subtype. The phantom’s features are indistinct giving it +4 arcane bonus to stealth checks. It can walk upon any surface — even liquids — and takes no penalty traveling on rough terrain. It automatically moves to flank the owner’s opponents and attack using aid other. The phantom flanker can be commanded to fight in other ways but cannot speak. On command or after 10 minutes it reverts to doll form and can be used again after the next midnight.
While activated the phantom flanker can be healed like any other character but if brought to 0 hp it turns back into a doll and the item is destroyed.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, shadow conjuration; Cost 10,080 gp
Battle Standard of Alacrity
*Well, it's a bunch of morale bonuses to various things for making your stand on the battlefield. And most of them are things a cavalier's banner and greater banner ability either don't cover, or this item can elevate a bit for him (like saves vs. fear).
*I'm not as sure about the bonus on Perform checks. If you've got a bard in the party, the morale bonuses he'd normally be summoning up for you are likely to supercede much of what this item can do, since morale bonuses don't stack. The one thing that stands out to me is the bonus to confirm critical hits. That's new and thematically appropriate to a cavalier making his last stand. I also like that many of this item's abilities are helping the other members of the party. A cavalier is supposed to uphold teamwork and this item helps him further that role.
*Regardless, I think this item is a bit overpriced. That's a lot of gold to part with...but the standard apparently has unlimited uses. So, it's not just a "last stand"...it's going to be trotted out at every battle. Maybe the price is warranted then?
*I don't know. I'm not completely bowled over by it. But it's cool that this designer is trying to give us an item for the cavalier. That shows innovation. And the item complements the cavalier's existing banner ability. The presentation is also mostly well-done. They're still missing commas in the price/cost and "banner" doesn't need to be in the construction requirements unless they're saying the crafter needs to have the banner ability...in which case, that really complicates things as most spellcasters won't have 5 levels in cavalier to meet that requirement. But a cavalier with the Master Craftsman feat and some skill ranks in Craft could still pull it off, I guess.
*Weak Keep?
*Disagree. It's a SAK of morale bonuses. Really? That's Superstar?
*Reject.
*I like the idea of a cavalier item, but this is not that impressive. A couple years back we had a number of standard/flag items that were all better than this one.
*Reject.
*This is similar to the Lord's banner of victory in the APG (+2 morale bonus on attack rolls, saves, and skill checks).
*Most cavalier banner abilities already provide morale bonuses on attacks, so this bonus is overlapping with something the ideal character would already have (even the bonus on crits is still covered by a general banner bonus on attack rolls).
*Tracking the "oh, this doesn't stack, so we have to figure out how much your bonus is better by comparing morale +X vs. morale +Y" is a pain, and slows down combat.
*Reject.
*Rejected.
Umbral Spike
*You realize of course the introduction of this item will now necessitate the GM measuring all of the lighting angles to determine how long of a shadow an individual creature casts to determine which squares can be targeted by this spike? Creature size would also need to be factored in, as a dragon's shadow is likely to stretch much further than a man-sized creature.
*What is Shadowtongue? Is that a new language? I don't recall that in Golarion.
*Even after you anchor a creature by its shadow, what if they're already more than 30 feet away from where you put the spike? Are they pulled toward it until they're within the radius of mobility determined by the complicated math exercise?
*Why does forcibly removing someone's shadow via conjuration (teleportation) magic inflict Wisdom damage? Because it's "shadow" magic powering the umbral nail? Shadows normally deal Strength damage.
*Lastly, I'm concerned that this item clocks in at exactly 300 words. This is a writer who knew he had a really complicated idea. He had to devote a lot of words to explaining it. And I'm still not won over by it.
*We also had some earlier "pinning" items that I liked a bit better than this one.
*Vote to Reject.
*Shadowtongue is spoken in Nidal.
*Yeah, this introduces a lot of issues with measuring/guessing the location of shadows.
*And the touch AC mechanic means it's really easy to pin a dragon in place and severely restrict its movement.
*There's a reference to "charges" in the description, as if the author had planned the mechanic to work differently (instead of X/day) and didn't fix all the references.
*Interesting idea (which we've seen before), clumsy execution, though.
*Vote to Reject.
*Rejected.
Map of Tracking
*Totally botched the wondrous item template. If they had included the correct formatting, it would have carried them over word count. Clearly, this is an author who isn't ready, professiionally-speaking, for RPG Superstar.
*This is also one of those items that completely flies in the face of Sean's auto-reject advice about "the never get lost" item that "makes adventuring far too easy." That tells me the author didn't do their homework on that front, either.
*It also includes boring backstory in the whole last paragraph.
*So many things wrong with this one. Why bother going any more in-depth?
*Vote to Reject.
*Format fail. Italics description. Item prevents you from getting lost. Legendary origin.
*Reject.
*Rejected.
Hat of Insulting Panache
*No. It's a combination of a joke item with a broken mechanic of inflicting automatic flat-footed situations everytime you strike down an image. A rogue or arcane trickster would abuse this to no end with sneak attacks.
*Vote to Reject.
*Agreed. Reject.
*Rejected.