Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and ask for some help from this wonderful community of free thinking and fairly liberally minded individuals.
I am in a relationship with a really great guy. The physical aspects of the relationship are phenomenal. I feel ten thousand times beyond great when I'm with him, that is, just being with him not the physical aspect of the relationship.
My problem has been developing over some time, but its just now gotten to the point where its causing regular gastric distress and other emotion-related distresses. He's not very communicative. I keep asking him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling because I share that stuff with him all the time, and he just clams up. It's very hurtful cause I know I love him, but I have no idea how he feels about me.
What's really sad is that he asks me how I feel and think, and I tell him all the time, because I want to express how much he means to me... but he won't give anything back.
I've gotten angry with him a few times about this, but he just clams up tighter. I don't know what to do, and I'm at wit's end, because I'm absolutely crazy about him (maybe thats the problem), and I cried myself to sleep the other night because I was thinking of leaving him to find someone who could communicate their feelings more.
Any help at all would be appreciated. Please... :(
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Communication is the absolute most important part of a relationship. Whatever other advice you get here, you need to share exactly what you did in your first post with him.
Beyond that, I recommend you both read this book if you haven't. It helped my wife and I understand our dynamics better, and was something of a 'well duh' moment for me. He may be showing you how he feels about you in a way you aren't noticing.
If he's anything like me (and boy does he sound like it) it will take him time to be comfortable examining his feelings and then sharing them with you. Give him the time to be ready, but don't let him waste time in his comfort zone when it is making you uncomfortable.
Communication is the absolute most important part of a relationship. Whatever other advice you get here, you need to share exactly what you did in your first post with him.
Beyond that, I recommend you both read this book if you haven't. It helped my wife and I understand our dynamics better, and was something of a 'well duh' moment for me. He may be showing you how he feels about you in a way you aren't noticing.
If he's anything like me (and boy does he sound like it) it will take him time to be comfortable examining his feelings and then sharing them with you. Give him the time to be ready, but don't let him waste time in his comfort zone when it is making you uncomfortable.
+1. I have not read this book, but there is another one very similar to it, and it makes a lot of sense. I am the "private type" also when it comes to sharing things. I hope everything works out.
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I guess this is going to be controversial, but... do you really need to have him talk about what he's thinking and feeling? Really?
Everybody is different in this area. There are many people who for a variety of reasons are not very open about these things. Some of them aren't even open to themselves about what they feel.
I understand it can be a thing about trust. "If I don't know his thoughts and feelings, how do I know I can trust him?" Well, if someone talks about their inner life, all you get is their version anyway. Silence is not that much worse, is it? Trust is about looks, intimacy and actions, not primarily words.
So consider that you two might have a good relationship DESPITE him not talking about his inner life with you. And of course, consider that you as a person might have a strong enough need for that talk, that you might be better off with another relationship.
The message is, I think, that you're unlikely to change his behaviour.
*puts on therapist hat*
I can see how talking about feelings is important to you as it shows trust in each other and the relationship, but I'm having difficulty understanding why it is so important for him to always tell you what he is feeling. Is he not telling you anything at all? Is he simply responding and not actually providing any input?
It sounds like you might be trying too hard. As this kind of person, I can tell you that I don't like feeling pressed. The more I get pressed, the more I close down. You said he closed up when you got angry, which I understand. I don't like intense situations in which I feel judged or pressured. I think patience is required here. If things are going well, be happy and take your foot off the gas a little, give him room to expand at a pace that is comfortable for him. Hope things work out for you.
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I know this is going to sound like og grunt territory but...
I'm lucky if i can feel my feelings. I would rather try to figure out quantum physics than figure out how to put them into words.
To women emotions are the 128 jumbo crayola box with the sharpener in the back. You have autum dawn and azure and midnight and 16 other kinds of blue.
Men have the basic 8 back. Black blue brown red green yellow purple and orange.
When he's around you I'd imagine he feels "good" . But he doesn't just want to say "good" because that sounds shallow. He's trying to find a way to describe it, but its like trying to describe how chocolate tastes without saying "it tastes like chocolate" or coming up with anything that sounds too corny/borrowed from TV. Failure to come up with words that describe being with the one you love (and you ALWAYS fail to come up with words that adequately describe it) leads to frustration and confusion. He certainly can't tell you that he's feeling THAT.
Full disclosure:
1) this whole love thing is a spectator sport on my part
2) I'm either less "evolved" than most men (or due to part 1 i simply have less reason to lie)
Take with salt. Good luck.
He's probably having a difficult time expressing what he's feeling into words. The harder you press the more he'll clam up.
While yes communication is absolutely vital, speech is optional. There are other ways to communicate. The truth is that no form of communication is perfect (even spoken language that's evolved for thousands of years).
It will take patience and the ability to release the reins and possibly exploring non-verbal communication.
I have no idea how long you two have been together, but if you two have been together long (like a year or more) than maybe you really should consider what it is that he does to make you feel great and if that's worth not having effective communication.
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Ask yourself these questions:
Does he treat you well? If yes, then...
Does he continue to treat you well when his friends are around, or does he ignore, belittle, or condescend in those situations?
Does he do nice things for you on special occasions or simply "just because"?
Does he enjoy spending time with you, or do you have to make him come over?
Does the time you spend together involve other or more than just being physically intimate?
These are strong indicators of how he feels about you, even if he isn't good at expessing himself verbally.
It could just be that isn't having any deep thoughts when your asking him. It also depends on how long you've been together. If a girl I didn't know well kept hounding about how I felt every minute I would be like "why is this chick so pushy"? I would also suggest rephrasing the question to "what do you think about __________ "? Being specific gets specific answers. Being vague gets you "Im fine" as a vague answer...
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First a flippant response, have you tried (a) getting him drunk and / or (b) bribery? Two dudes talkin' about shit over beers is a time honoured and safe way to express feelin's. And in vino veritas.
It's very hurtful cause I know I love him, but I have no idea how he feels about me.
Have you said those exact words to him? Subtlety is over-rated. Hints don't help much. Arguments tangentially related to the real problem are confusing.
Both bignorsewolf and cuchulain hit the nail on the head.
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Well, Arazni, I'm afraid that necromantic liches tend to be a little cold and aloof. And obsessive--really, I'm afraid you're not going to get much out of him while he's brooding over that Nex fellow.
On the other hand, have you ever considered a little goblin nookie? We're compassionate, generous and giving lovers and we LOVE to talk about our feelings. Like, right now, I feel...horny.
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Ask yourself these questions:
Does he treat you well? If yes, then...
Does he continue to treat you well when his friends are around, or does he ignore, belittle, or condescend in those situations?
Does he do nice things for you on special occasions or simply "just because"?
Does he enjoy spending time with you, or do you have to make him come over?
Does the time you spend together involve other or more than just being physically intimate?
These are strong indicators of how he feels about you, even if he isn't good at expessing himself verbally.
All of these things. I believe Cuchulainn nailed it.
Sometimes guys have trouble talking about thier feelings, but our actions are usually a dead give-away.I personally don't go out of my way to do really nice things for a woman unless I feel something for her.
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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+1 to just about everything said here. Read The 5 Love Languages, that will really help you understand how to communicate.
Now, you asked for some advice and I need to warn you that I can be a bit bold when I give it. If I seem a bit strong, it is because I don't like to sugar coat things.
First, stop asking him directly what he is thinking. I knew a couple girls who would ask me, "What are you thinking?" and I would immedetly forget what I was thinking about. I also felt like I needed to say the right thing, that if I told the girl something wrong I would be in trouble.
He might be suffering the same problem. He might actually forget what exactly he was thinking and feel like he needs to carefully word his response. In fact, if you have been angry with him for not sharing his feelings the desire to carefully word his thoughts would be even stronger.
There might be a differnt reason alltogether. I hope and pray that this hasn't happened to him, but some people who have been abused at a young age will be very guarded about sharing their feelings. Or he may have been raised in a family where sharing thoughts and feelings was just not something the family did.
What ever the reason, stop putting him on the spot. It will not help you learn about his feelings and thoughts.
Instead, you need to listen to him when does talk and let him share his feelings in his own way. He has been sharing with you, I can garuntee that, he was just doing it in a way you haven't been paying attention to. Reading the recomended book will help you learn about that.
Never assume that he doesn't love and respect you just because he isn't saying it.
The one you can do to help him is to let him know about how you feel. You may have already done this but you may have done it in a way that doesn't help him.
Here is how I would do it:
I am the type of person who needs to hear how people feel about me. I thrive on that type of appreciation and love, and I feel depressed when I don't receive it. I love it when you share something with me, and I really love it when you share your feelings for me by telling me about them. I understand that you show your love for me in a differnt way then what I want, but would you help me by sharing them more often?
Don't feel bad if he says no. It might be that he needs some time and your patience to reach a point where he can share his feelings. If that is the case, try to be understanding and patient.
My wife has several health issues that make physical touch difficult for her. She is also not very good at vocalizing her feelings. In the three years we have been married we have not once been imtimate the way we would like to be. In the beginning, it was difficult for me because I am a very physical person. I also was frustrated because she didn't want to talk about it at all. Now, because I was patient, understanding, and willing to work with her, we are talking about it all the time and getting closer to our goals.
I tell you that to give you hope. Be patient, understanding, and don't put him on the spot. Do those things and you should be okay.
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Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and ask for some help from this wonderful community of free thinking and fairly liberally minded individuals.
I am in a relationship with a really great guy. The physical aspects of the relationship are phenomenal. I feel ten thousand times beyond great when I'm with him, that is, just being with him not the physical aspect of the relationship.
My problem has been developing over some time, but its just now gotten to the point where its causing regular gastric distress and other emotion-related distresses. He's not very communicative. I keep asking him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling because I share that stuff with him all the time, and he just clams up. It's very hurtful cause I know I love him, but I have no idea how he feels about me.
What's really sad is that he asks me how I feel and think, and I tell him all the time, because I want to express how much he means to me... but he won't give anything back.
I've gotten angry with him a few times about this, but he just clams up tighter. I don't know what to do, and I'm at wit's end, because I'm absolutely crazy about him (maybe thats the problem), and I cried myself to sleep the other night because I was thinking of leaving him to find someone who could communicate their feelings more.
Any help at all would be appreciated. Please... :(
Have you considered that possibly the issue is that YOU have rejection issues. Your partner sounds like a fairly typical monosyllabic male. You seem crazy about this person, but you seem to be looking for an excuse to break up. Are you trying to protect yourself by trying to dump this person before they dump you and break your heart, possibly because you think that you don't deserve to have a good relationship (basic lack of self-esteem)? I don't know either of you and only can see what you wrote, so the above needs to be taken with that caveat, but I get the impression he isn't unhappy with the situation, but you are for reasons that seem, basically, a bit trivial. If he was slapping you around or belittling you, that's different. But I don't get that impression.
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...It's very hurtful cause I know I love him, but I have no idea how he feels about me...Have you considered that possibly the issue is that YOU have rejection issues. Your partner sounds like a fairly typical monosyllabic male. You seem crazy about this person, but you seem to be looking for an excuse to break up. Are you trying to protect yourself by trying to dump this person before they dump you and break your heart, possibly because you think that you don't deserve to have a good relationship (basic lack of self-esteem)? I don't know either of you and only can see what you wrote, so the above needs to be taken with that caveat, but I get the impression he isn't unhappy with the situation, but you are for reasons that seem, basically, a bit trivial. If he was slapping you around or belittling you, that's different. But I don't get that impression.
If she's not even sure he loves her, I don't think that's trivial. Like you, I can only work off what we're presented with here, but not even being sure he loves her would be a pretty big deal if I were in her place.
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Communication is the absolute most important part of a relationship. Whatever other advice you get here, you need to share exactly what you did in your first post with him.
Beyond that, I recommend you both read this book if you haven't. It helped my wife and I understand our dynamics better, and was something of a 'well duh' moment for me. He may be showing you how he feels about you in a way you aren't noticing.
If he's anything like me (and boy does he sound like it) it will take him time to be comfortable examining his feelings and then sharing them with you. Give him the time to be ready, but don't let him waste time in his comfort zone when it is making you uncomfortable.
This is a great starting point. And to reiterate for further emphasis, communication is really freaking important! I know to you I'm just some stranger on the internet, but in case you're feeling trusting I'll let you know that my wife and I both have psychology degrees, with minors in counseling. So it's with that background that I support the "communication is important" thing.
Also, someone else made a good point about the ineffectiveness of subtlety and hints. Speak plainly, just like you did for us (the messageboards).
Also, be aware that people have varying levels of "emotionalness", and if it so happens that he's not got a lot to talk about emotionally, then badgering him to talk about his emotions is just going to drive him away. Similarly, he might not be comfortable sharing his feelings - make sure that if he does say something (it might just be a passing comment), that he feels safe in your response. Don't judge, don't try to correct, etc. But less obviously, don't make a huge deal out of it - and a "positive and accepting" huge deal is still a huge deal, and might scare him away.
For what it's worth, I'm far less emotional in general than my wife (been married a little over five years). She therefore talks about her feelings a lot more than I do - and it used to be an issue. Eventually, though, we got used to the idea that I have less to talk about emotionally and she learned to see my love and devotion in other areas (taking care of her, being a safe place to vent her emotions, etc).
Good luck, and let us know how things go!
Thank you everyone for the advice. I knew this was the place to go for some help! I don't quite need to bother a psychologist (or pay for one) or a counsellor, but I just needed a nudge in the right direction.
I experimented, just a little bit, and decided I would try being silent so he could initiate the conversations. This didn't really work very well, and after the end of the day, things were kind of nervous between us.
The next day, we had a rather long talk, about what we wanted from the relationship. He says he likes me, but doesn't feel ready to commit to one person. I am a little confused about this because I'm more of an open relationship person anyway and never said he couldn't see other people.
But based on your advice, and my own intuition. I'm wondering if he likes me enough that he's feeling pressure to commit, even though I never asked him to.
So now I'm faced with a second conundrum. Is there a way I can show him that I love him, want the best for him, but don't want to completely control him, or keep him chained to me?
The break up idea came up again, and we're both kind of neutral/hesitant to go that route. I think we both feel like we're hanging in limbo.
It's possible that he thinks of love as an exclusive thing. And that's okay too.... but if we have such different ideas of love, maybe its not the best relationship to pursue.
And to the responder who said I was looking for excuses to break up with him. That may be true: its painful, emotionally confusing, and downright scary sometimes. And I have a little need to protect myself from that.
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Is there a way I can show him that I love him, want the best for him, but don't want to completely control him, or keep him chained to me?
There sure is!
You walk up to him, smiling, and say "I just wanted to tell you that I love you, want the best for you, but don't want to completely control you, or keep you chained to me."
Not kidding. This goes back to the whole "communication is key" thing.
Is there a way I can show him that I love him, want the best for him, but don't want to completely control him, or keep him chained to me?There sure is!
You walk up to him, smiling, and say "I just wanted to tell you that I love you, want the best for you, but don't want to completely control you, or keep you chained to me."
Not kidding. This goes back to the whole "communication is key" thing.
Cool.. I'll try that.
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If she's not even sure he loves her, I don't think that's trivial. Like you, I can only work off what we're presented with here, but not even being sure he loves her would be a pretty big deal if I were in her place....It's very hurtful cause I know I love him, but I have no idea how he feels about me...Have you considered that possibly the issue is that YOU have rejection issues. Your partner sounds like a fairly typical monosyllabic male. You seem crazy about this person, but you seem to be looking for an excuse to break up. Are you trying to protect yourself by trying to dump this person before they dump you and break your heart, possibly because you think that you don't deserve to have a good relationship (basic lack of self-esteem)? I don't know either of you and only can see what you wrote, so the above needs to be taken with that caveat, but I get the impression he isn't unhappy with the situation, but you are for reasons that seem, basically, a bit trivial. If he was slapping you around or belittling you, that's different. But I don't get that impression.
Depends on how long they have been going out, really. Not long, based on the subsequent comments. And someone who needs that constant reassurance of "Do ya love me? Huh, huh?" might come across as needy, which might be an active turn-off.
@Arazni. I suggest you take it slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day. If the guy enjoys hanging out with you, it's a good start - in the end, that's pretty much what a long-term relationship boils down to. Pestering him to see if he feels the same way you do is probably not a good way to prolong the relationship in an early stage. I'm getting the impression you are at an early stage in this relationship, and you seem to be being carried away in a tidal wave of emotion / love / lust right now. I suggest you chill, enjoy it while it lasts, and when you are maybe a bit calmer reassess how suitable you two are together. Trying to get him to commit now may only scare him off, especially if he isn't used to commitment. And you might need to get used to the idea that he doesn't feel the same way about you, at least right now - he may need longer to come around. I felt no cataclysm of love when I started out with my wife, but I'm very happy now.
Based on your initial post and subsequent ones, maybe you might consider that you are not ready to be in a commited relationship. Consider this, between the two of you, it is you who is "freaking out" about the relationship. Whether it is not moving at the speed you like or you believe that your significant other is not communicating enough it would appear that it is you that has the problem with it and not him. Which brings me to the reason why so many people suggested counseling for you, there is likely some sort of deep seeded issue that is causing you to "freak out" about this part of your relationship. You might be able to read a self-help book or perhaps get some "good advice" from these boards, but the underlying problem will still be there. How long will it be before you come back here with a new but yet slightly similar problem? One month? One week? My point being that you have said you won't go to counseling because you "can't afford it" but there have been several individuals who have given you options for free counseling. Secondly, no one is saying you have to be in counseling forever, you could be someone who just needs to go once or twice and then Boom! all of your problems are solved. But you will never know that unless you try it.
Arazni:
1) Discuss 'open' relationships with him. Explain what you mean by them. I have seen several good working examples of them, with some common traits; I've seen any number of disasters as well... Email me at design AT adastragames DOT com if you'd like to discuss what patterns I've seen in functional open and polyamorous relationships.
2) Do not settle into a relationship because you think you can't do 'better'. Go into a relationship because you A) like spending time with this person, B) he makes your assorted reproductive bits tingly, C) he's someone you can call at 3 AM from the police station and expect to take your side of the story without hesitation or explanation.
3) When it doubt, let him have his space. Really. The stereotype of the oblivious guy is a stereotype because it's built on a massive weight of shared experiences. Guys and women don't /quite/ prioritize things the same way, and we both come from different frames of reference.