Your best one liner from a player at a PFS table (use spoilers when appropriate)

[raylyynsedai]

Just had a game the other day...

Murder on throaty mermaid:

During the encounter with Snig the player offered to get Snig a "date" with one of the Female NPC's. the player then said with the straightest of faces and tone "and she likes it rough so it is ok to scratch and bite her all you want!" he was under the impression that she was the guilty party.

the table had to take 5 minutes just to get over the laughter.

I would like to hear some of your funny one liners as well.

[Tom Baumbach]

When lobbying for a reroll due to an askew die, I had a player shout, "It hit the paper!"

[Katharan al-Zawree]

"Which one of you wants to be sold as a slave?" ...5 mins later, I sold the Andoran PC who volunteered.

The joys of Charisma!

JP

[TwilightKnight]

The PC's enter a crowded area and see the BBEG. They are considering how to deal with him when the female PC screams, "DADDY," and goes on to tug at his pants and say that he is needed at home with momma and the other children. It was a hilarious tactic, but floored me a GM. I didn't know how to react to it. Memorable.

[Omega Man]

Similar to TK's situation, but with a bit more of an adult spin.

PC's are supposed to go help a merchant & arrive to find him being harassed by a pack of thugs. The enchantress (ie infernal sorcerer) leans in, casts a Charm Person, then brazenly saunters in proclaiming...

"What are you doing her? You SAID you were going to buy me a present. I don't SEE any present, so you'd better get your rear in gear if you expect to get any of THIS tonite <shakes her hips at him>. Hurry on now - and it better be a good present."

The GM was floored & had the boss wander off in a dumbfounded haze.
And it wasn't til after the combat was averted that we discovered that the boss was some else's faction mission. Luckily, he met a grisly death later <well, not so lucky for him>.

[Dayne d'Arco]

"Perils of the Pirate Pact"

While in the hold of a certain ship, the silly, silly bard turns to my somewhat psychotic, pyromaniac alchemist and says, "Bet you can't blow this ship up." *clears throat* "ahem."

[Cpt_kirstov]

Devil we know (part 3 I think):

Spoiler:

Had someone go into the apparatus of the crab yelling I'm going to give that elemental crabs!

[Arnim Thayer]

Oh... so, so many! My favorite though came early in Season 0 in the Hydra's Fang Incident.

Hidey Stuff:

In the encounter were the party are supposed to break into the warehouse, and get passed the one guard outside, the party was split on the tactic to use. Finally the barbarian, who had waited in the background with the wizard shouted, You're taking too long!" and charged forward with his earthbreaker, rolling a natural 20, confirming and killing the guard with one hit!

[Tim Statler]

"if it's on the map, I can hit it with my hammeer!"

[Arnim Thayer]

Tim Statler wrote:

"if it's on the map, I can hit it with my hammeer!"

Another good quote from the same player! From the first encounter of Hydra's Fang Incident.

Hidey Stuff:

In the first encounter, involving a sorcerer using disguise self to look like an innocent little girl. The barbarian moved right up to her and held his action in case of attack This was his justification for hitting what appeared to be a child.

[Arnim Thayer]

Arnim Thayer wrote:

Oh... so, so many! My favorite though came early in Season 0 in the Hydra's Fang Incident.

** spoiler omitted **

I was mistaken. This was in Frozen Fingers of Midnight!

[raylyynsedai]

Tim Statler wrote:

"if it's on the map, I can hit it with my hammeer!"

had a dwarf with an enchanted throwing hammer say something along the same lines once rite before he fumbled his attack roll throwing into melee. he then said "just because i can hit it (the BBEG) does not mean i did not mean to hit the elf warrior."

[I.Malachi]

In many of our PFS games, a friend's 9 year old son plays - now a wizard. It should be noted that his previous player, a fighter, used to make GMs cry. I think the wizard may surpass even him.

Spoiler:

In Heresy of Man part I we came upon a group of choads asking for our papers. The young wizard looked over the group for a moment, calculating. Then he nodded and said "I got your papers right here!" and cast a fireball which toasted the four of the choads and pretty much charred two others.

[MillerHero]

During Shipyard Rats:

The PCs have just finished off the half-orc monks in the bottom level of the Prancing Prince when they hear Luscilia on the top deck shouting for her orcs to come. Two of the PCs are actually half-orcs themselves and one of them begins to respond to Luscilia in the orc language. Luscilia is angered by the delay and demands they report immediately. The half-orc says, "I was taking a crap already!" To which the other half-orc (played by Omega Man) adds, "I was watching!"

[FLite]

"I have wizard hit points." Said in a tone of disbelief, as her frontline inquisitor of Torag gets hit with 6 points of CON drain...

[WalterGM]

This is still the best one-liner I've ever heard at a PFS table.

"IT HAPPENS WHEN I RAGE SOMETIMES!"

[Andrew Riebe]

Barbarian hits with a greataxe, rolls a critical hit. He says, quietly while picking up his d12s:

"And that's 3dMurder + 48 for a total of...wow, all twelves...84 points of damage. Did it die?"

My response:

"Yes...it ceases to exist in any tangible sort of way"

[Jayson MF Kip]

"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

[Mike Tuholski]

Walter Sheppard wrote:

This is still the best one-liner I've ever heard at a PFS table.

"IT HAPPENS WHEN I RAGE SOMETIMES!"

+1

---

Half-orc barbarian in a brothel asks, "Hey, got any half-orc chicks?" The hostess nods and goes to the back to find him one.

While waiting, the cleric says to the barbarian, "Hey, is that a wand in your pocket?" The barbarian responds, "No, that's my blood scarab."

[PolydactylPolymath]

The Immortal Conundrum, during the banquet scene. Zarta Dralneen is aggressively pursuing the party's highest Cha character, an Ulfen summoner, while he is trying to (politely) rebuff her. Much innuendo ensues.

Summoner: "Forgive me dear lady, but the heat of these southern climes is more than I can bear."

Zarta Dralneen (annoyed): "Yes, I'd heard that the Ulfen were frozen from the waist down."

[The Beard]

"Shop smart, shop S-Mart."

My response: "Groovy."

[Nefreet]

Upon encountering giant fleas in a certain Season 5 scenario the Vudrani turns to the rest of the group and says (in his heavy accent), "Oh, goodness! I would hate to meet the camel that those fleas came from!"

[TOZ]

Jayson MF Kip wrote:

"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

I was at a table like that.

[The Beard]

TOZ wrote:

Jayson MF Kip wrote:

"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

I was at a table like that.

... Those exact words have come out of my mouth before. Trying to nonlethal someone down becomes really awkward when you crit on the last swing.

[TOZ]

When the eidolon does 21 points as a minimum, nonlethal turns into lethal quick.

[The Beard]

TOZ wrote:

When the eidolon does 21 points as a minimum, nonlethal turns into lethal quick.

Ahhhh... summoner. Yeah, that'd pretty much do it. Freakin' eidolons.

[nosig]

My heavy armor cleric can't hit the broad side of a barn. It's the -2 from the tower shield and the fact that his strength is 10... anyway, I usually don't even try.

During character introductions, I explain that he has the Love domain, and profession matchmaker, so as he introduces himself to each PC he says in a faux french accent, "so, are you currently involved in a long term relationship?"... this often leaves players speachless (esp. female players), but moving on, he forges ahead with the introduction.

Now flash forward to the middle of a dungeon crawl and the PCs are searching a room. My cleric is against one wall in the center of the room, when a LARGE secret door opens to reveal a LARGE demon right next to my cleric. The judge says - "what do you do?" and with out missing a beat I reply "I look up at the Demon and say 'so, are you currently involved in a long term relationship?'"

[nosig]

I can still remember my sisters first character. She was the very strong not so bright 1/2 orc and had saved enough money to by a Comp. Long Bow, for her high strength. We had told her how to cost in Master Work ...

SO, in the middle of her first game after buying her new bow, combat starts at range and she's ready! She whips out her bow, and waits her turn.... It looks like it's going to be a long shooting match and someone asks if she has 2 quivers of arrows. Her expression was priceless..."you have to buy arrows too?!"

[hotsauceman]

On a boat there is a door and the guy next to me places his character to on side of the door, and another guy to the other. The guy says "I ready an action to attack the first man to come between me and him" I look and say "You must really love him to kill the first man to come between the two of you"

[McDaygo]

Background: The Adventures finally get to the port city and split off for their own needs. The Wizard (spell slinger archetype) decides he wants to fix either buy the tools to fix his gun himself or pay to get it fixed. (in my game Gnomes are the engineers of the world and the creator or guns) The Wizard (full Elf) walks into the bar and of course the gnome is paying his jokes and being silly while tinkering with an object inhis hands.

I can’t remember the full conversation but when he found out the tools where not for sell, he asked if the gun can be fixed by tonight?

Gnome: “Man, I can play with my dick with my left hand, fix the gun with the right and not even break a sweat.”

Elf: “ How much?”

Gnome: “You want to pay me to play with my dick?”

The timing was too perfect.

[Muser]

Years ago in an early scenario the party was faced with a troop of enchanted wooden monkey dolls, constructs with hardness basically. After what felt like hours of pointless whacking(the barbarian was unconscious and the only one with a decent strength score was the archer), the party's druid finally snaps and orders his riding dog to EAT the chimps to keep them down:

"Mutt eats the dolls, sh*ts chess pieces"

[Corvus Cailean]

A factory has a sign on it that is an flame with a NO sign through it, ghostbusters style.

Turns to the sorcerer It says they don't serve your kind here.

[David Bowles]

My elven magus to the human gunslinger: "You homo sapiens and your guns."

[roysier]

Male Nagaji player to high Charisma female sorcerer player.

"You would be Ssssexxxy if you didn't have pink ssskin".

[Sithis of Fangwood]

Sithis and Slith, two Nagaji with hissing accents.

I could hear the GM's eyes roll during character introductions!

[Pirate Rob]

Sithis of Fangwood wrote:

Sithis and Slith, two Nagaji with hissing accents.

I could hear the GM's eyes roll during character introductions!

It took Mike about 1/3rd of the way through to get it sorted out, too bad Charlie didn't have a Nagaji, then I could have played mine and really have thrown Mike for a loop.

[Nefreet]

That would have been amazing! A table of four Nagaji. We have to meet up again someday. Sithis will be 11 after Tuesday.

(too bad I've already played Red Harvest)

[Cao Phen]

I was currently in combat with 5 surrounding enemies.

Sorcerer Friend - "I am going to cast Color Spray!"

Me, still new to Pen and Paper in general - "What is Color Spray?"

Whole table was laughing for about 10 minutes.

[Pirate Rob]

Nefreet wrote:

That would have been amazing! A table of four Nagaji. We have to meet up again someday. Sithis will be 11 after Tuesday.

(too bad I've already played Red Harvest)

Mine is 8, but I have a module scheduled for her bringing her up to 9.

I've played Doom Comes to Dustpawn (9-11) but my table of Curse of the Riven Sky (9-11) table just got canceled, so maybe we can get together for that at the end of April (My wife will be out of town, so it's easy for me to schedule long things).

[Ferious Thune]

I had one I was proud of come up while GMing this week.

Shades of Ice Part 1: Written in Blood:

The scenario has its own mechanic for using diplomacy to gather information, because of some stuff going on behind the scenes. So after nearly 15 hours of searching and now into the wee hours, the PCs have finally tracked down the villains, who are raiding the local armory. When about to confront them, one of the PCs turns to the three city guards outside, who seem content to watch.

PC: "Why aren't there more guards here?"

Guard: "We sent for them, but in this town it takes 1d6 hours to get anywhere."

That got a decent laugh from the group, so I figure I did my job.

[Ferious Thune]

Pirate Rob wrote:

Nefreet wrote:

That would have been amazing! A table of four Nagaji. We have to meet up again someday. Sithis will be 11 after Tuesday.

(too bad I've already played Red Harvest)

Mine is 8, but I have a module scheduled for her bringing her up to 9.

I've played Doom Comes to Dustpawn (9-11) but my table of Curse of the Riven Sky (9-11) table just got canceled, so maybe we can get together for that at the end of April (My wife will be out of town, so it's easy for me to schedule long things).

I've got a level 7 (almost 8) Nagaji Monk I've been wanting to run through Red Harvest.

[The Beard]

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ... Right before my character began to Thriller dance. >_> May or may not have used magic to force the BBEG, his entourage, and the entire party to join in as well.

[Jokon Yew]

BBEG: "You'll never get any answers from me!"

Us: "That's ok, we're not done punching yet!"

[nosig]

this is sort of two different "one liners"...

My wife's wizard - the quite character in the middle of the party - upon hearing that there is someone in the room beyond the door the party rogue is listening at says...

"well, remember to act surprized to see them"... steps forward and casts invisibility on the door. The BBEG in the room beyound, noticing the surprized squishy wiz and rogue in the doorway, charges - BOOM!

"well - that's gonna leave a mark"...

we never did ask her if it she ment on the door, or on the BBEG that just slammed into it...

[ArmouredMonk13]

"I cut it in half, with my earthbreaker."

"A tengu, a tiefling, a half-orc, and an aasimar lead a group of cultists into the sewers."

First time my monk tries nonlethal damage flurry of blows, at level 1, against a dog that little did I know had 1 HP."Okay, I'm going to do nonlethal damage with both my attacks rolls 2 consecutive confirmed criticals with unarmed strikes so, I do 36 points of nonlethal damage."
GM:"It dies. Twice."

[roysier]

Pirate Rob wrote:

Nefreet wrote:

That would have been amazing! A table of four Nagaji. We have to meet up again someday. Sithis will be 11 after Tuesday.

(too bad I've already played Red Harvest)

Mine is 8, but I have a module scheduled for her bringing her up to 9.

I've played Doom Comes to Dustpawn (9-11) but my table of Curse of the Riven Sky (9-11) table just got canceled, so maybe we can get together for that at the end of April (My wife will be out of town, so it's easy for me to schedule long things).

I'm up for that, i can play Dustpawn (already ran it) or run Curse of the Riven sky (already played it). but of course if I'm running and not playing then Slith won't be one of the Nagaji's at the table.

I'm currently 8 but I can start applying GM credit to get to 9.

[Katisha]

Picture this:
The party of adventurers gather outside the suspects door. The intention is to scare him away from doing something, to get him to leave town. The rogue checks the door for traps, finds an alarm and removes it, unlocks door, and steps to the back of the party. The Bard, in misty Mistmail steps to the door and, as the cleric swings open the door, steps into the room. Swirling her cape with a continual flame spell on the lining around to her back so the "flames" swirl up around her, she pulls a whip from her belt that bursts into flame (Hellfire trait). Looking at the target sitting on the bed, she points the whip and says:

"So, do we talk? or do we move on to other options?"

Target sees a Cheliaxian woman, clothed in fire & smoke, with a flaming whip that is scorching the carpet. Intimadate check? - ah, can I take 10?

[Special Agent Molder]

I once, in perfect context, said, "I'll lubricate the floor if you push the shark."

[PolydactylPolymath]

Special Agent Molder wrote:

I once, in perfect context, said, "I'll lubricate the floor if you push the shark."

No context necessary. This line is amazing.