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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belican
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
Though I'm damned if I know how the helican!
Edit: That's not a beak.
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A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, what could they do?
"Let us fly" said the flea
"Let us flee" said the fly
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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There was a young gal name of Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well endowed chap
And said "Gee, you're right up my alley!"
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Your mama's so fat, the Hogwart's Sorting Hat put her in all four houses.
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How does Albus get into Hogwart's? Through the Dumble-door.
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My vacuum was broken, so I put a One Direction sticker on it and now it sucks again.
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Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies' room? He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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2 people marked this as a favorite.
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What do you call a deep sea Transformer? Octopus Prime.
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The NSA is proof that sometimes the government does listen to you.
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What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common? Finnish Hymn!
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My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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I wonder what Edward Scissorhands would think of touchscreen technology?
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What's the difference between the American Flag and American Idol? The flag actually has stars.
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I ate too much Middle Eastern food, now I falafel.
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I was walking through a park the other day, and said "Wow, that's a big rock over there." A park ranger heard me and said "Boulder." So I puffed out my chest and said "Wow, that's a big rock over there."
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "Wii".
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The worst thing about ancient orators is that they tend to Babylon.
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The furniture store keeps sending me ads to entice me to come back, but all I wanted was one night stand.
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What time does Wimbledon start? Tennish.
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A musician said he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar. I said "Is that a fret?"
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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Is a cardboard cummerbund a waist of paper?
(It is fun to say, though. Cardboard cummerbund, cardboard cummerbund.)
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I thought it would be hard to learn how to collect trash, but I just picked it up as I went along.
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I think I made a mistake by marrying a tennis player. Love means nothing to her.
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I thought about making a pencil with an eraser at each end, but there was no point.
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I saw an ad in the paper that read "TV for sale. $1. Volume stuck on full." and thought "I can't turn that down."
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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I'm trying to learn Braille, but just can't seem to get a feel for it.
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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Is singing in the shower a soap opera?
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My friend left a lump of clay in my house, and I don't know what to make of it.
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There's an opening for an inspector at the mirror factory. Now that's a job I could really see myself doing.
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A local pet store had a bird contest, no perches necessary.
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The people in Dubai don't like Fred Flintstone, but the people in Abu Dhabi Doo!
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I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?
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My dad never loved me as a child. I don't blame him. After all, he was already an adult when I was born.
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The easiest way to tell the gender of an ant is to drop it in a bowl of water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
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My granddad lost his tongue in the war. How? I don't know, he won't talk about it.
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Whenever I feel blue, I just start breathing again.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Einstein, the frizzy-haired
Said E equals MC squared
Thus [u]all[/u] mass decreases
As activity ceases?
"Not my mass!", my ass declared.
Dammit. I forgot you can't underline, and then didn't bother to look at it until way too late to fix it.
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I've been busy all morning, but good morning now!
How is everybody doing?
I have managed to update my Campaign Journal and I am about to catch up with today's jokes.
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I ENJOYED JUST FOR FREEHOLD PICS WOOOOOOOO
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Freehold DM wrote: I ENJOYED JUST FOR FREEHOLD PICS WOOOOOOOO Oh, geez. At the surf lessons there was one girl who was wearing a bikini bottom such that, from the back, you couldn't tell she had anything on at all.
I was thinking of you the whole time I was desperately trying to avoid photographing her posterior. (I think she (or at least her posterior) shows up in the background in one of the surf shots of Impus Minor.)
EDIT: And I'll be honest. While it was a very nice posterior, she was in the "13-18 year old" class, and the last thing I wanted to be was the "creepy old guy in the Hawaiian shirt taking pictures of underage girls".
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NobodysHome wrote: Freehold DM wrote: I ENJOYED JUST FOR FREEHOLD PICS WOOOOOOOO Oh, geez. At the surf lessons there was one girl who was wearing a bikini bottom such that, from the back, you couldn't tell she had anything on at all.
I was thinking of you the whole time I was desperately trying to avoid photographing her posterior. (I think she (or at least her posterior) shows up in the background in one of the surf shots of Impus Minor.) I am glad you thought of me and just as glad that you avoided taking the picture. In short, I am as happy as I am conflicted.
Quote: EDIT: And I'll be honest. While it was a very nice posterior, she was in the "13-18 year old" class, and the last thing I wanted to be was the "creepy old guy in the Hawaiian shirt taking pictures of underage girls". It's okay. I only have a few more years before I can get the prestige class, such leering is for expert perverted old men only.
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See, that right there? That's what keeps me coming back!
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Ah, nothing like a 3-1/2 hour meeting in the morning capped off by your manager being out all afternoon to make for a slooooooooow work day.
Unfortunately, tons and tons of paperwork at home, but at least I get a couple hours at work where all I'm doing is designing some simple web pages.
Aaaaah... relaxation!
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It would be nice if you didn't trip the waitress. Then the Server would always be up.
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Math puns are the first sine of madness.
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If a male mathematician sunbathes a lot, is he a real tangent?
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What does a mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.
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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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If a mathematician can't afford to buy lunch, would you say he can binomial?
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