A lot of thought-provoking stuff.
Thanks for all of that, Neil.
I was hoping that mentioning the wearer of the sash giving pins to "allies" would forestall any thoughts of using this item for offensive purposes. Apparently I needed further clarification in the description.
Refuge was italicized in my original submission, honest. I did a cut-n-paste from a word doc when I posted this for feedback and added the appropriate tags afterward. Looks like I missed that one. =/
I understand what you're saying about pricing. That's always seemed the most difficult part of the process, especially when you're dealing with unusual items. The closest item I could find for price comparison was the bracelet of friends and trying to break down the pricing on that one made my head hurt.
I fell short on the "hazardous" definition. What I had in mind was not having the teleported PC end up in a square just off the edge of a cliff, or in a pool of magma, or a solid wall. Further clarification was definitely needed there.
All-in-all, some useful feedback. Maybe next year I'll shoot for something with a bit more...simple elegance.
Thanks again.
Eyes of the Time Thief
My first thoughts when reading this title involved three things. One, by going with magic eyes, I immediately assumed you'd be doing some magic lenses like eyes of the eagle, etc. And you didn't disappoint.
Secondly, for some reason, the Time Thief reference made me think of the new class option with a similar schtick from Super Genius Games. I'm not sure if you drew inspiration from that. And it doesn't really matter. It's just what immediately popped into my head. And it's not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. Just an observation.
Lastly, I realized you'd probably be layering in a bunch of time-based abilities and mechanics to this item and that immediately made me raise my shields, because that's a very difficult area of game design in which to play around...especially for something as short and simple as a 300-word wondrous item.
So, setting all that aside, I read on...
Aura strong transmutation; CL 16th
Slot eyes; Price 63,000 gp; Weight —
An aura of strong transmutation is certainly appropriate for an item whose highest ability is focused on time stop. And, your caster level is notably high to be able to cast that spell. So, I'm good there. Your slot and weight are certainly appropriate for a pair of magic lenses.
But, because of all the powers this thing has...which I get into after reading the meat of your description...I'm left thinking it's underpriced for what it can do. Just on a gut level. Not because I went back and crunched all the numbers. I mean a simple crystal ball with telepathy costs 70,000 gp...and these lenses let you do so much more. Granted, there are some differences in uses per day, etc. But this is a pretty potent offensive weapon with some defensive abilities layered in, too.
So, you've got a lot more going on here than I'd be comfortable making available to PCs at 63,000 gp.
Description
A silver figure-eight uniting two mirror lenses, this simple mask hides only the eyes and brow.
This is an interesting beginning to describe your lenses. The part that gives me pause is when you say it also hides the brow and not just the eyes. That's because I start wondering if it should also take up the "headband" slot.
When a command word is whispered these lenses briefly reveal a world of dizzying temporal depth: for a split second the histories and destinies of living creatures appear as things which swift hands might reach out and take. Once per day (and after wearing them for at least 24 hours) the Eyes of the Time Thief may be activated to steal from an adjacent creature's past, present or future, as described below.
Interesting flavor. And you spend a lot of words on it, but it's intriguing enough to keep me reading. I do, however, notice you didn't lowercase and italicize your reference to the eyes of the time thief here in the descriptive text...and you should.
None of these effects allow a save; instead, the wearer makes a Sleight of Hand check as a standard action against the listed DC. She must choose which effect she is attempting before making the roll.
And now I've got a frown. I'm not really a fan of allowing skill checks to be the catalyst for determining the success of a wondrous item's magical effect. That came off feeling less innovative and more "desperate to stand out with a new mechanic" to me. Sometimes, that's a good thing to swing for...I'm just not a fan of this particular choice of mechanic. In particular, why would Sleight of Hand be needed to invoke the power of a pair of magic lenses for the eyes?
Regardless, far better, in my opinion, to use save DCs. Now, obviously, time stop doesn't usually grant a saving throw, but you could have been innovative there in at least giving the victim of the "Seize the Present" power a save against it (more like hold person than time stop). And the modify memory and slow effects could certainly have relied on a simple Will save. I would have liked to see that instead.
Take the Future (DC 20): The target becomes slowed for 10 rounds, and the wearer is affected as by the haste spell for 10 rounds.
Rob the Past (DC 30): You "steal" up to five minutes of the target's memory. This takes effect immediately, and allows you to recall the stolen memories as if they were your own, but otherwise duplicates the first application of modify memory.
Seize the Present (DC 40): The target is briefly frozen in time (paralyzed) for 1 round, and the wearer immediately gains a free round of apparent time in which to act (as the spell time stop, but lasting only one round).
While very thematic in nature, all of these effects came off far more like a SAK of SIAC powers. You tweaked them a little. The "slow while giving yourself haste" power from Take the Future is like a quickened spell element layered on top of the other. The Rob the Past ability is pretty solidly modify memory (though you failed to italicize it in your descriptive text here). And the time stop effect is nerfed down to a single round. I can tell you're trying to be different. And you're also trying to control the power-creep on all these abilities in a single item. Even so, I don't think you went far enough to avoid the SAK and SIAC traps.
The wearer must also succeed at a melee touch attack against targets who are aware of her in combat. Out of combat, targets don't even notice the attempt unless they succeed at an opposed Perception check (similar to other uses of the Sleight of Hand skill).
I didn't care for this difference either. I'd rather have seen it more solidly be a combat item requiring a set action (even full-round would have been good). And I'm still not sold on the Sleight of Hand vs. Perception of the person being affected. If anything, I'd think Sense Motive might help clue them in that something's amiss more than simple Perception. But maybe that's just me?
Construction
Requirements haste, modify memory, time stop; Cost 31,500 gp
Given that your "Take the Future" ability (which you called "Strip the Future" in your actual submission) invokes both haste and slow effects, I would have liked to see you include the latter in the spell requirements. You're also missing the Craft Wondrous Item feat, which should be referenced.
Summary:
Okay name
Not a particularly innovative idea (I've seen similar takes before)
Suspect mechanics (didn't care for basing it on Sleight of Hand DCs)
Decent writing/flavor (you write reasonably well, of course)
Flawed presentation (a couple of mis-steps in this one, some more serious than others)
Paak’s Configuration Clasp
Well, the name didn't really conjure anything in the reader's mind. We don't know who Paak would happen to be. At least one of the judges cited that as a pet-peeve. Made-up names like that in your Superstar submission can immediately make the judges think you're bringing out an item that takes inspiration from your homebrew campaign or a favorite PC wizard. Either way, it doesn't put your submission in a good light.
Secondly, "configuration clasp" doesn't really give us any insight into what your item is...or what it might do. I suppose if I think really hard, I'd eventually imagine that it's a clasp you can add to something...and it's configurable...or it reconfigures things the way you want them. Even then, however, I'm not left with an understanding of the idea behind your item that has me saying, "ooh, this could be Superstar-worthy!" And that's basically what you want your item name to do...i.e., give some hints toward what it is...what it might do...and get the reader excited to learn more about it.
Aura faint transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 700 gp; Weight -
Your choice of aura comes off a bit muddled. Usually, I look for a tie between an item's aura and the spells used in its construction. You've selected secret chest as the basis for this item...which would normally necessitate a conjuration aura...like a bag of holding. But that's not what your item does. It doesn't store anything via the mechanics of secret chest. Instead, it alters things. So, transmutation is the right aura. But I think you misfired on the spell choice. I think you should have gone with polymorph any object over secret chest.
Continuing on, your caster level is appropriate for casting secret chest. Your slot and weight seem okay for a magic clasp. But your price is pretty cheap. Even a type I bag of holding would run you 2,500 gp...and yet your item can resize a Large chest to a Medium chest...which I assume would serve a similar purpose (i.e., saving room and increasing carrying capacity -- though, you never say if changing the size of an object affects its weight...and you should). Your item also doesn't stop there. Since it allows you to change the type of ammunition carried by a quiver or case, it's even more useful. Thus, 700 gp is feeling far too low to me.
Description
This clasp appears to be a belt-buckle adorned by a single black carbuncle shot through with silver veins.
Excellent lead-in text. One simple sentence that describes what the item is...and what it looks like. Perfect.
When attached to a quiver, pouch, or backpack, it transforms the container into a different type of container - a quiver into a crossbow case or a backpack into a belt pouch for instance. Any magic abilities possessed by the object are retained, except that in the case of quiver or case, the type of ammunition the container is used for may change. An Efficient Quiver, for instance, could be changed to hold Sling Stones or Shuriken without effecting any other aspect of the Quiver’s function.
First, some stylistic notes. You should lowercase and italicize efficient quiver like any other magic item if you're going to reference it in your descriptive text. Words like "sling stones" and "shuriken" should always be lowercase.
I also notice that you're putting two spaces after every period. You need to break that habit. That's an older convention from the days when word processors and fonts didn't automatically compensate for the end of sentences and providing enough space between them and the next sentence. I was taught to use two spaces after every period, as well. And it's a hard habit to un-learn. But, if you want to become a professional freelancer, it's best if you stop doing it now.
Next, some comments about the ammunition changing ability of your item. Personally, I kind of like it. If you had stopped there, your overall design might have been tight enough to capture our initial interest. I don't think it would have been enough to reach the Top 32, though. It's just not a powerful enough...or innovative enough...idea. Instead, it came off more like the "makes adventuring easy" item. Or, like an item that a player wanted because he was getting tired of having to sell off the cool flaming +1 arrows when he spent all that time being proficient with crossbows.
It can be attached to any container, magical or mundane, and can adjust it up to one size category up or down. Mundane containers have their internal volume increased or decreased as normal, but extra-dimensional and non-dimensional spaces are unaffected (though their openings might change in size).
As I mentioned earlier, I think you needed to assess or debunk the notion that this item lightens the load of any container if it decreases in size...or, if it makes thing heavier if it increases in size. Some words on addressing that would have been useful. Nice touch on including the verbiage about items with extra-dimensional spaces being unaffected though. No shrinking your bag of holding even further.
If removed from the container it enchants, the container immediately reverts to its previous form, and any contents that are no longer able to be stored within appear next to the container.
You've got some incorrect phrasing here. When you say "If removed from the container it enchants..." you mean the clasp. And yet, the sentence continues on as if "it" referred to the container itself. Watch out for pitfalls like that in your writing. I hit those now and then, too.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Secret Chest; Cost 350 gp
You slipped up here on your spell reference. Always lowercase and italicize spell names. Everything else in this section is okay. But again, I don't think secret chest is the right spell to use in the construction requirements. Or, at the very least, you should add polymorph any object to the requirements.
Summary:
Ill-advised name
Good, but not great idea
Mechanically under-cooked (still needed to iron out some rulesy bits on a few things)
Okay writing/flavor (still need to work on some phrasing and stylistic stuff)
Flawed presentation (fell down on some basic formatting stuff)
Sky Barnacle
Intriguing name. Barnacles and sky aren't two words I would typically associate with one another. While this conjures some weird images in my hand, the name is different enough to make me curious to read on. Not excited, necessarily. But definitely curious...
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Some unusual choices here on aura and caster level. An item based around levitate would certainly have an aura of transmutation about it. It's a pretty low-level spell, though. So, assigning a moderate strength to the aura might be a bit much. Given what your item can do, though...i.e., lift something weighing up to 2,000 lbs. is the effect of a 20th level caster of levitate. So, maybe the moderate strength is warranted. However, your caster level is only 10th...and I'm guessing you chose that to control your pricing, not because it matches up with the minimum level to cast levitate or the actual weight value it can nullify.
Slot should be an em-dash rather than "none"...and your assigned weight of 1 lb. is okay. Price seems off. As far as I can tell, you can use this thing as often as you want. There's no limitation on it. I didn't see anything that indicated the item couldn't be removed (though you'd probably want to specify some mechanics for that).
This dome of blackened iron bears flowing prose written in Auran around its outer edge. When placed against a large flat side of an object and given a twist(a move action), the Barnacle attaches itself and emits a golden glow(as a candle).
I like the descriptive text (for the most part), but you don't need to capitalize "Barnacle" all the time. And, when referring to your item (as opposed to an everyday mundane barnacle), you should italicize it.
Also, you need to know that at least one judge really abhors items that only require a move action to activate them. What's wrong with it being a standard action? Plenty of items that require little more than "a twist" or a "flick of the wrist" or whatever still equate that to a standard action. That's a built-in economy of actions to that distinction, because you don't want people being able to activate this magic item and get off another spell...or swing a blade...or perform anything else that only requires a standard action. Wondrous items that let you pull off abilities with just a move action are far more valuable because of this...and it should be reflected in an item's price if you push forward with it. Regardless, just be aware of that kind of design concern.
The Barnacle can be attached to any inanimate object with a flat surface at least 10 inches across(the size of the Barnacle). While attached a Sky Barnacle serves to reduce the weight of the object by 2,000 pounds. If an object becomes weightless after attaching a Sky Barnacle it will begin to lift lazily into the air, floating about as if on an invisible sea.
This phrasing immediately made me start wondering that if an item could rise into the air based on this barnacle, what's causing it to float about "as if on an invisible sea"...? Why wouldn't it just keep on floating into the upper atmosphere and out into space? Also, at what rate does it rise into the air on its own? Same speed as a normal levitate (i.e., 20 feet per round)? You need to answer a lot more questions involving actual game play here.
In this state, the object can be pushed or pulled into the air or over obstacles. When pushed away it will only travel 5 feet before drifting to a stop. The object will stay in roughly the same orientation it was in when the Barnacle was attached allowing goods to be stored without fear of the object capsizing. For the purpose of pushing or pulling the object, it is considered to weigh only one-tenth normal.
I notice you're using a lot passive voice here...i.e., "...the same orientation it was in when the Barnacle was attached..." Work on cutting that out of your writing. Also, the part where you talk about pushing an affected object around, makes me wonder how long this effect will last. Spells like levitate and even floating disc have a duration to them. Yet, your item seemingly can be used as often as desired and for as long as you desire.
For larger objects, the effects of attaching multiple Barnacles combine, decreasing the weight accordingly(by 2,000 pounds per Barnacle).
And, given you stack these things and raise an entire city off a mountain top, I think this item is definitely underpriced now.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Levitation; Cost 2,500 gp
You needed to lowercase your spell name. Everything else is okay here.
Summary:
Kinda cool name (for what it does)
Intriguing idea (just not fully thought through)
Suspect mechanics (because there are too many loose ends and abuse potential here)
Workman-like writing (but still some mis-steps that need correcting)
Flawed presentation (included some formatting errors)
Featherweight Slippers
Interesting name. I'm immediately imagining a pair of dainty slippers...which may or may not have feathers to them...but otherwise, I pick up on the lightweight vibe and a few hints towards what the item will probably do. And, if so, this sounds like an appopriate name.
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot feet; Price 6,000 gp; Weight -
Your aura and caster level are appropriate for an item based on levitate. Slot is correct for footgear. And, while slippers of spider climbing normally carry a weight of 1/2 lb., your featherweight slippers make sense to have something far more negligible than that in terms of encumbrance. Price is interesting. The aforementioned slippers of spider climbing also use a 2nd level spell in their creation, yet they cost only 2,400 gp. So, I'm eager to find out what these featherweight slippers cost almost three times as much.
Description
These waterproof slippers are made of paper and glue, with a feather affixed on each heel.
Perfect description. Matches up with what my mind conjured with the name. You told us what the item is and looks like in one simple statement. Well done.
When you wear featherweight slippers, you step lightly with the weight of a feather. You leave no footprints, as if you were walking on hard ground, can walk across a grassy field with blades of grass bending slightly under you, or stand upon the thin branches at the top of a tree. You can step on most pressure plates and similar devices without activating them, and walk at half speed on the surface of still water, oil, or similar liquids without submerging. You do not sink into sand or snow, so these forms of terrain do not hamper your movement.
Hmmm...definitely a lot going on there. This is far more than simple boots of levitation. You're giving these slippers the constant ability to pass without trace and water walk, while ignoring difficult terrain conditions (for the most part). I'm not sure how you can stand upon the thing branches at the top of a tree without some kind of Acrobatics check being involved (i.e., I didn't get the sense that these slippers improved your sense of balance). There are also no mechanics defined for how much pressure it requires to activate traps...or, if there are, they're usually trap-specific. At least one judge cited this as a concern.
You were close here. But there were enough niggling things about everything these slippers could accomplish that it gave the judges pause. It just needed more polish and definition. And, seeing as how you left 160 words on the table, you really should have spent more time defining and clarifying things in how these slippers are used with hard mechanics to back them up.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, levitate; Cost 3,000 gp
Everything is cool here, except the cost/price. For everything this thing does, you were definitely right to make it cost more than slippers of spider climbing, but you've actually underpriced it. A ring of water walking for instance (which represents only a small measure of what these slippers can do) costs 15,000 gp. So, you're way off here on price.
Summary:
Good, appropriate name
Decent idea (but may have overreached)
Mechanics half-baked (needed more definition and consideration)
Well-written (good flavor)
Good presentation and use of template
Amulet of the Mana Wastes
This name gave me pause. According to Golarion lore, we know that the Mana Wastes are either a magic deadzone or a wild magic zone. Either way, I have a raised eyebrow to see a wondrous magic item that includes "...of the Mana Wastes" in the title. I'm intrigued, but worried about the Golarion reference and whether it'll be applied in an innovative and interesting way to the item's mechanics.
Aura Moderate Abjuration; CL 9th
Slot Neck; Price 30,000 gp; Weight -
Your aura needs to be lowercase. No need to capitalize moderate abjuration. Just follow the conventions laid out in the previously existing wondrous items from the CRB and PRD. Same goes for your slot. In addition, I can understand an abjuration aura for alarm, but not the mass pain strike effect behind this item. That's an evocation effect. And, as your highest level spell effect involved, that probably ought to be the aura for your item. Looks like you got the caster level right for a 5th level spell like mass pain strike, though. And, the slot and weight match up for how magic amulets have been presented already. Your price, however, feels a little undercosted for what this item does, but I'll get into that more later.
Description
There are gems that are permanently altered by the swirling chaos storms of the Mana Wastes. When properly enchanted and set in an amulet...
So, which is it? An amulet? Or some magic gemstones? You start out as if you're describing a bunch of gems (or ioun stones) and then get around to saying they have to be properly enchanted and set in an amulet. From a writing perspective, I think you got the order reversed. You should have started out describing the amulet. Then, you could have mentioned its stones, where they come from, and how they're prepared. That way, the focus stays on the amulet.
Secondly, you're playing with fire here. Suggesting that the swirling chaos storms of the Mana Wastes can have this type of effect on everyday normal stones may be going further with Golarion lore than necessary. At the very least, I would have liked to see you suggest a bit more strongly that these chaos storms only affect random stones (or specific stones) in this manner. That way, there'd be a bit of a "diamond"-hunting industry to find them, setting up a potentially new trading commodity for Alkenstar.
Regardless, I understand the inspiration you drew for these stones from the Mana Wastes. I'm just not 100% comfortable with how you drew on the campaign setting to define them.
...these precious stones greatly impair the abilities of casters. When this amulet is exposed to normal or bright light the amulet causes any caster within 30 feet to take 1d6 points of nonlethal damage when they try to cast a spell.
Really? Automatically? No save? Even mass pain strike grants a Fortitude save. This seems a bit excessive. And, as one judge pointed out, it's essentially an anti-spellcaster item for the all-melee, non-spellcasting parties. Mechanically, I'm also left wondering why there's a connection to normal or bright light activating the effect. Basically, you're saying these stones would have zero use in an underground setting unless someone brought out the torches or light spells. Just seems kind of arbitrary and not all that interesting of a mechanic.
The caster can still cast the spell with a successful Concentration check.
Concentration is no longer a skill, so no need to capitalize it. That's a 3.5 convention.
This also affects anyone who attempts to use a spell completion or spell trigger magic item. Any item that is always active is unaffected by this item.
It seems a little odd to nerf the spell completion and spell trigger items. Will the mass pain strike effect activate in that circumstance, too? Is it only when you try to use the item (or complete the spell)? What about spell-like abilities? Why aren't they affected? Why have a magic-affecting item like this and only have it affect spellcasting and spell completion? Just seems kind of niche. I was expecting an item from the Mana Wastes to drastically affect all magic, not just a subset of it.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Alarm, Pain Strike, Mass; Cost 15,000 gps
Some stylistic problems here. Don't put an "s" on "gp"...and always lowercase and italicize your spells. Also, when you have a spell like mass pain strike, just call it out as such. Don't leave it in the index-searchable format of pain strike, mass because that extra comma winds up confusing the reader. It looks like you've got an alarm spell, a pain strike spell, and then a third spell with a mass version of it that you forgot to finish listing.
Lastly, regarding your price, I think 30,000 gp might be a little undercosted for what this thing does. Inflicting the 1d6 nonlethal damage (no-save) everytime a spellcaster within 30 feet tries to complete a spell (ally or enemy) is overreaching a bit. Most spellcasters (especially wizards and sorcerers) are pretty low on the hp scale to begin with. As long as your item was kept within 30 feet of such a spellcaster in a pitched battle, they could easily wind up knocking themselves out. And that's just an un-fun way to run a combat. It's also a GM nightmare to have to track that for every potential spellcaster in the area everytime a spell is cast...or a spell completion or spell trigger item is used.
Summary:
Okay name (just didn't deliver for me)
Mediocre idea (it's an anti-mage item, but not a very compelling one)
Mechanically suspect (a no-save damage effect based on an enemy's own action isn't that cool)
Uninspired writing (you left 170 words on the table that you could have used to better effect)
Flawed presentation (several mis-steps in using the template and game terminology)
Weaver's Kerchief
The item's name didn't necessarily conjure any particular image or idea about what the item would do. If I wrote this down on my character sheet and someone else looked at it (including me), they'd probably have to keep looking up what the item does. It would take awhile before it would be a popular enough item and effect that everyone automatically know "Oh, that's what a weaver's kerchief does!"
So, I would have liked to see something better here. And, after reading the effects of your kerchief, I'm not sure I understand why you chose to make it a kerchief. I get the weaver element, because of the web-like filaments...but I'd almost rather have seen this be an iron bands of Bilarro kind of item instead.
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot —; Price 116,680 gp; Weight —
With dimension door, major creation, and web as the heavy-hitting spell effects behind this item, I can see the conjuration aura very easily here...and a moderate strength makes sense given the highest level effect is 5th. So, I'm good there. Caster level also makes sense. Your weight is appropriate for a kerchief, but I'm very surprised it doesn't take up a slot, as I expected it to be worn around the neck. Many of judges also questioned the price on this one. It only functions once per day. And, even with all those spell effects layered in there, it doesn't warrant 116,680 gp.
Description
Once per day the owner of this web-patterned kerchief may issue a command that allows them to translocate up to 760-feet, as if they had used dimension door. The destination must either be in line of sight or be a position that they have previously seen and studied. The translocation is masked by a billowing cloud of dusky, metallic smoke that solidifies into a rough sphere that is 20-feet in diameter and composed of surprisingly rigid and resilient web.
Several points here. First, always italicize your spell names (like dimension door and web) in your descriptive text. That way, we know you're talking about the spells and not a mundane "door" or "web."
Secondly, I think you dove into the mechanics too soon. I would have liked to see you spend one good upfront sentence on telling us what the item is and what it looks like, before telling us what it can do once per day...and how far it can translocate you.
Aside from that, I was really surprised to see you say it can move you up to 760 feet. While that might be accurate for a 9th level caster of dimension door, I would have rather seen you nerf it for the wondrous item to make it different than the spell and to rein in some of its power. That would also help keep it on most battle mats.
Lastly, at least one judge got really confused by the statement that the "...translocation is marked by a billowing cloud of dusky, metallic smoke..." since they couldn't tell if that happened at the source of the item's invocation, at the destination's arrival point, or both. So, the language wasn't clear enough here. We had multiple interpretations of how it worked...and that's never good in a wondrous item's descriptive text for its mechanics, because that'll lead to arguments between players and GMs.
Those within the cloud as it solidifies must succeed at a Reflex save (DC 15) or become grappled.
Given the price point you've set for this item, a DC 15 Reflex save is going to be ridiculously easy for most adversaries to make. So, you need to consider as you design an item's abilities and inherent spell effects. I'm guessing you based the DC off a 9th level caster's web spell? Either way, you needed to either drop web as an explanation for the binding filaments or raise the DC by heightening the spell or something.
Regardless of the save, those within the cloud as it solidifies are now within the web’s area, which is considered difficult terrain. The web is laced with adamantine, thus making it quite durable and resistant to wear; those attempting to move through the web, or break free from it, must succeed at either a combat maneuver check or an Escape Artist check (DC 20). Failure of these checks will either continue the grapple, or causes the subject to become grappled. After nine rounds the web dissipates to a fine, inert dust that loses its metallic properties.
This is kind of cool. I think this effect is what I liked most about your item. The dimension door aspect felt kind of tacked on. I would have rather seen this as an item you could hurl as an expanding ball of metallic filaments that would bind those coming into contact with it. One judge did wonder how long it takes for this cloud to coalesce, though. Is it automatic (i.e., same round)? Or does it require a round to form?
The web is not flammable, however it is conductive of electricity and if the web is hit with an electrical attack it deals an additional 2d4 points of electrical damage to those within its latticework, regardless of if they were the target of the electrical-based attack.
I like this added feature. It makes the web aspects of these filaments very different from the spell. Again, at this price, I'm not sure 2d4 points of electical damage on top of 10d6 lightning bolts will matter all that much, though. I would have liked to see you either rein in the price a bit so the extra damage had more meaning and applicability...or, raise the electrifying damage even higher so it can really fry some stuff that's trapped in it.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door, major creation, web, a piece of adamantine worth 50 gp; Cost 58,340 gp
Cost/price ratio is good, but the item itself is overpriced. You also need to italicize your spell names and discard any references to material components (which are automatically assumed in wondrous item design).
Summary:
Inappropriate name (doesn't visually match what this item does)
Cool idea (maybe too many of them as I liked the electrifying web better than the dimension door)
Incomplete mechanics (still need to know more about how it works)
Decent writing/flavor (but need to clean up some passive voice and be clearer in some areas)
Flawed presentation (italicize your spell names, etc.)
Guardian Amulet
Well, the name is certainly appropriate. It's like a shield guardian golem in the form of an amulet. Sometimes, blunt, to-the-point item names like this really work. Other times, they kind of fall flat. This one works for me.
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 15th
Slot neck; Price 89,400 gp (+1), 98,400 gp (+2), 113,400 gp (+3),
134,400 gp (+4), 161,400 gp (+5); Weight -
Hmmm...a multi-item in the sense that you can have greater versions of it. I'm not sure this was a wise decision for you. I think you could have set a flat deflection bonus amount...or discarded that ability in its entirety and this could have worked just as well.
Your aura and caster level are appropriate for an item using iron body in its creation. I might have chosen a strength of "strong" over "moderate" though, because an 8th level spell capable of transforming an amulet into an iron golem is pretty big mojo.
Slot and weight are appropriate for an amulet.
Description
This steel amulet is in the shape of a round shield emblazoned with an image of a helm behind crossed swords.
Good initial descriptive text. Tell is what it is...and what it looks like.
When worn, the amulet imparts a deflection bonus of +1 to +5 to AC.
I'm kind of "meh" on this ability. It feels much more like a throwaway, especially since the iron golem itself doesn't scale with the increasing costs. I'd have rather see you pick a single deflection bonus and stick with it.
As a swift action, the wearer may throw the amulet to the ground causing it to transform into an armored construct. The construct is treated as an iron golem (see the Pathfinder RPG Bestiary) with the following modifications: 65 hit points, +9 BAB, +21 CMB, 30 CMD, 2 slam attacks +20 (2d6+16/19-20) and no breath weapon. The construct follows simple single sentence commands from the one who activated it and remains active for up to 10 rounds per day. These rounds need not be consecutive.
You've just landed square in the middle of "monster"-in-a-can territory. You tweaked the iron golem by taking away its breath weapon, etc., but it's still just summoning a massive guardian for 10 rounds per day. While, I can certainly see the value in this guardian for a wizard, etc., I think you need something more distinguish it from a basic iron golem. And I don't just mean nerf more of its abilities or make it slightly different from the average iron golem by giving it shield guardian powers or something. I mean hang something else on it and how it functions. Make it unique. Make it stand out. Make it be something more than just a "monster"-in-a-can.
Additionally, as long as the one who activated the guardian remains within 20 feet of it, the deflection bonus granted by the amulet remains in effect. Once the daily round limit is reached, the amulet must be worn in order to gain the deflection bonus.
I'm not sold on the deflection bonus of the amulet itself, much less an extended deflection bonus courtesy of the nearby golem. I think this could have worked better using some feats and combat maneuvers or even the Aid Another action to provide round-by-round boosts to the amulet wearer's AC as the golem purposefully interposes itself against incoming attacks. That, at least, would have started to make it different in how it operates...especially if you made it so that's all the golem can do (i.e., it doesn't attack like a regular iron golem)...or maybe just a much more limited set of actions it can perform as a lesser golem or something.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, shield of faith, iron body, caster must be of a level
at least three times the bonus of the amulet; Cost 44,700 gp (+1),
49,200 gp (+2), 56,700 gp (+3), 67,200 gp (+4), 80,700 gp (+5);
First...no need to end on a semi-colon. Your spells need to be alphabetized when you have more than one in the construction requirements. I dislike variable caster levels being called out depending on the deflection bonus. And, again, I think you'd have been better served to drop the +1 through +5 versions of this thing and just define a single guardian produced by the amulet.
Summary:
Solid, simple name
Interesting idea (just went a little too far by trying for too many versions)
Uninspired mechanics (it's just a "monster"-in-a-can and an AC deflection bonus)
Okay writing (but missing some cool flavor, would have liked to see you do more here)
Decent presentation (just some small mis-steps)
Okay. In-depth feedback for the front page is done. That's 41 items touching upon a variety of common mistakes and pitfalls. I'm hoping most people can extrapolate from that and see where their item may have encountered something similar. I'm about to go off on a week-long vacation, but if anyone still wants this level of feedback on their item, let me know. No promises that I can get to them. But, if I perceive an item or two that might have a unique situation or lesson to review, I may give it a go when I get back (after judging the adventure proposals from the Top 4, of course).
...
Wow! Thank you very much for the detailed feedback!
Have a good vacation!
Hm, neat idea. But I mainly have 2 problems with this:
1. Requires a lot of GM fiat. Basically all game effects have to be decided by the GM, Including what constitutes for precious or special mineral or metal.
2. Since most applications seem to be permanent you can basically spawn an infinite ammount of , say iron, which can be sold for 1 sp per pound. So its an (exponentionally growing, by buying more gloves) infinite money cheat. (750gp per day and doubling every 20 days ;))
Is it 3/day or 15 cubic feet per day? Or 15 cubic feet, distributed among 3 uses per day?
Thank you for the feedback Azmahel, the feedback from both you and the other judges have given focus of what to do for next year. To answer your question is 15 cubic feet maximum a day whether or not you use it in one, two or three charges. The infinite amount of common metal makes alot of sense, I was originally more worried about special materials or precious metals.
I plan on cleaning up and tightening the mechanics for next year, this contest has already made me a better crafter and player. I have a few ideas for next year and am now crafting wondrous items in my weekly games. For balance I will post any of them that are not in the main books or basic spiac or sak etc.
Neil I'd love for you to give me more feedback on my item. I think it was called Malady Mask.
It was indeed...let's see what we've got...
Malady Mask
I kind of liked the name. This was an example where alliteration worked. A mask that seemingly has something to do with disease or maybe ability damage or something. That's what I'm thinking as I go into reading it. So, I'm intrigued. And that's what you want with an item name. It's also something you could imagine scribbled on your character sheet.
Aura moderate abjuration and conjuration; CL 5th
The aura is a little odd. Typically, I just look for an aura that matches the spells used in the construction requirements. And remove disease is only a conjuration (healing) effect. You've included abjuration, which typically implies some kind of active defense. And that's not really what you've got here. For that to come into play, I would have expected the mask to grant a save bonus vs. disease or something. Your caster level is entirely appropriate for remove disease, so you're good there.
Slot Head; Price 5000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Some stylistic problems here. You should always lowercase your slot, so it should be "head" not "Head" and you also need a comma in your price (i.e., 5,000 gp). The weight for your item is appropriate for a mask...at least it fits the same weight as a mask of the skull from the wondrous items list.
I won't address whether you've properly priced your item until I get into what it does...
Description
These sinister looking masks often mimic Taldor opera masks or even Korvosa doctor’s masks but with Urgathoa’s holy symbol hidden somewhere in the design. Despite their evil appearance the masks do not detect as evil nor is their function necessarily malevolent. The masks origins remain a mystery but it’s thought that the originals were actually used by Urgathoa cultists who sought to be carriers of all of The Pallid Princess blessings.
Some good things and bad things here. First, it appears this item must have been pretty strongly inspired by the Curse of the Crimson Throne adventure path, since you've referenced the doctor's masks and their affiliation with Urgathoa. I'm not sure that's directly tied to just Korvosa, though. I got the sense that Urgathoa's cult had a wider influence than just that one city in Varisia. To also include Taldor's opera masks in your description kind of felt a little odd to me. I think you would have been better suited to just define a set appearance for your mask and not necessarily try to weave it that strongly into Taldor and Korvosa. But that's just a preference thing on my part, not something that would get you dinged or rejected or anything.
I also notice that you have the habit of putting two spaces after every period in your writing. That's a habit you'll need to break. The two spaces thing is an archaic rule from back in the days when type writers and early word processors with dot matrix printers couldn't properly adjust for spacing between sentences. These days, fonts generally have all that built in for you. And they auto-correct for the spacing. Unfortunately, some layout tools don't auto-correct for it and two spaces winds up creating too much space between sentences as the software overcompensates. Thus, when writing professionally and using a publisher's styles, you want to just go with one space after every period.
I also notice you're using a lot of forms of the verb "to be." That gives the impression that you're relying too much on passive voice...which means an editor would have go through your work with a much finer comb to correct for that. Apply yourself to learning the differences between active verbs and passive verbs. Compare the descriptive text of previously published wondrous items and try to duplicate how their language flows.
As a full round action that provokes attacks of opportunities the mask can be used to draw all non magical diseases from one living target creature into the wearer.
It should be "non-magical" with a hyphen, I believe. And, this is a pretty potent ability...and seems a little at odds with what I'd expect an item devoted to Urgathoa to do. She's far more interested in spreading disease than drawing it out of someone. So, I have a raised eyebrow as I keep reading.
Any ability damage suffered by the target from the disease remains. The wearer of the Malady Mask is allowed to save against the each diseases drawn in this manner.
When you reference magic items in your descriptive text, you should lowercase and italicize them, so it should be malady mask rather than Malady Mask.
If the saves fail the diseases contracted through the mask don’t have any negative effects. Failed saving throws while the mask is worn do not cause ability damage but while infected the wearer cannot remove the mask by any normal means.
Again, some writing concerns here. You need some commas to separate some of the phrasing in these sentences. For instance, it should be, "If the saves fail, the diseases contracted through the mask don't have any negative effects. Failed saving throws while the mask is worn do not cause ability damage, but, while infected, the wearer cannot remove the mask by any normal means."
The mask can be removed through a successful dispel magic, remove curse, or by simply curing the diseases. If the mask is removed before curing any of the diseases drawn in by the mask the diseases remain and progress as normal.
You should always italicize spell names when you reference them in your writing to let us know it's a game term and not just two separate normal words. So, it should be dispel magic and remove curse. In addition, you need a comma to break up that last sentence so it reads, "If the mask is removed before curing any of the diseases drawn in by the mask, the diseases remain and progress as normal."
I'll also note at this point, I'm starting to view this as a bit powerful for a 5,000 gp item and a little mis-aligned with regards to the Urgathoa connection. By that, I mean that 5,000 gp is pretty cheap for an item that can be used as many times as you want to draw diseases out of creatures and take them into yourself and the mask. If worn by a cleric capable of casting remove disease on himself, he can pretty much temporarily strip away diseases affecting his companions...suffer no debilitating effects even if he fails the saving throw...and then later prepare as many castings of remove disease as he wants to permanently get rid of the disesases in the mask. That pretty much negates every non-magical disease in the game. And, that kind of makes adventuring too easy (in my opinion), particularly at this price. Who wouldn't buy such an item for an auto-cure item for virtually every disease?
Secondly, with respect to the Urgathoa connection, I kind of liked the idea that they could "collect" diseases by lifting them from a victim and storing them in the mask to safely carry them somewhere else. But, the part I kept looking for was an ability to then spread the disease by a cause disease effect or something to pass it on...or a monster-like ability whereby the mask's wearer could use a natural attack (a bite, claws, unarmed strike, etc.) to transfer the disease to someone else. If you'd included that effect (or more fully described it as such if that's what you intended), I think the item might have come off a lot better with a tighter connection to Urgathoa. Even then, it should cost more.
You cannot draw a disease that you already have. The mask doesn’t protect you from pre-existing diseases, even if these diseases were originally contracted through the mask before the mask was magically prematurely removed.
This is fine, except for the reliance on "was" and "were" again. I'd like to see some more evocative writing from you.
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, Remove Disease; Cost 2500 gp
You've missed the proper format here. Feats like Craft Wondrous Item should always be capitalized. Spells like remove disease should always be lowercase and italicized. And monetary amounts like 2,500 gp should always include a comma. Lastly, I think you missed an opportunity to make this item better by including a resistance bonus against disease and a cause disease effect to transfer stored diseases. That would have made the item a lot more appealing, thematically appropriate for followers of Urgathoa, and potentially innovative enough to warrant consideration for the Keep pile.
Summary:
Pretty good name
Interesting idea (just didn't go far enough with it)
Uninspired mechanics (you really needed a transference mechanism for the stored diseases spelled out)
Weak writing (you're relying too much on passive verbs)
Flawed presentation (several mis-steps in using the template and presenting game terminology in the proper format)
I also notice you're using a lot of forms of the verb "to be." That gives the impression that you're relying too much on passive voice...which means an editor would have go through your work with a much finer comb to correct for that. Apply yourself to learning the differences between active verbs and passive verbs. Compare the descriptive text of previously published wondrous items and try to duplicate how their language flows.
Neil - thank you. This honestly means a lot to me - here again you've proven that you da man :)
Welcome back Neil, If you have the time for review the item is...
Naturesmith Gloves
Aura Strong Transmutation CL 15th
Slot Hands; Price 14,400 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
These brown leather gloves appear worn and well cared for, each bearing an image of Torag’s hammer and tong on their palm. When a command word is spoken these gloves produce white clay that has morphic properties 3 times a day. The gloves produce clay at a maximum rate of 1 cubic foot per round or until 15 cubic feet of clay has been produced. After the gloves produce 15 cubic feet of clay the gloves become inert for 24 hours while the gloves renew their magical energies. The wearer can apply this clay to any non-magical, non-special stone, metal or wood at a rate of 5ft per round, clay used on invalid materials is wasted as it rapidly crumbles to dust. The clay changes 1 round after application transforming permanently into the same material it covers. For example, clay spread over a wooden doorframe seals the door to the frame as if it were a solid piece. The thickness, hardness and hit points are of regular clay until it is applied to stone, wood or metal, the clay gains the new materials hardness and hit points. If the clay is applied to any precious metal or mineral the duration is treated as the spell Major Creation with a caster level of 15th.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Polymorph Any Object, Major Creation, creator must have 10 ranks in the Craft (Sculpting) skill; Cost 7,200 gp
Welcome back Neil, If you have the time for review the item is...
Naturesmith Gloves
I thought this was an interesting name. The juxtaposition of "nature" and the industry of "smithing" seemed like it wouldn't go together normally, so I was intrigued to see how you'd combine the two in your design. That said, once I got deeper into the description, I didn't like the name as much. By attributing this item to Torag (primarily a dwarven god of industry), I just didn't see "nature" dovetailing all that nicely with it, despite its ability to produce molding clay.
So...good initial name. Conjured up certain images in my head that eventually felt out of sync with how you went on to describe the item. Hence, I don't think the name fit as well as I would have liked.
Aura Strong Transmutation; CL 15th
Slot Hands; Price 14,400 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Right away I see some presentation problems. I get the sense you didn't study the stat-blocks of other wondrous items in the Core Rulebook or the PRD. If you had, you would notice that they don't capitalize things like "Strong Transmutation" or "Hands"...
In addition, unlike gauntlets, gloves normally don't have a weight assigned to them (as evidenced by entries like the gloves of swimming and climbing). Maybe you wanted your gloves to be heavier, because of the weight of the clay they produce...but I think you would have been better suited to follow the lead of other magical gloves that already exist in the game.
As far as everything else goes, you've given your item an appropriate aura and caster level for an 8th level spell like polymorph any object, but major creation is a conjuration spell and you haven't cited an appropriate aura for that. I actually think you might have been better served by going with major creation (for conjuring the magical clay) and then fabricate (for reshaping that clay and working it into another object. But I don't know. No real biggie here. Generally, I look for auras that dovetail with the spells in an item's construction requirements. Transmutation isn't a bad choice. If anything, I might have liked to see you indicate strong conjuration and transmutation.
I'll hold off commenting on price until I read through the entire item and assess the cost...
Description
These brown leather gloves appear worn and well cared for, each bearing an image of Torag’s hammer and tong on their palm.
Good lead-in to tell us what the item is...and I also like how you've slipped in the briefest hint of backstory by associating the gloves with Torag. Creation is a big part of his portfolio...just not from a "nature" perspective. Thus, this is where the name felt like it didn't jive with your item as much.
When a command word is spoken these gloves produce white clay that has metamorphic properties up to 3 times a day. The gloves produce clay at a maximum rate of 1 cubic foot per round or until 15 cubic feet of clay has been produced. After the gloves produce 15 cubic feet of clay the gloves become inert for 24 hours while the gloves renew their magical energies.
I'm good with most everything here. You do have some odd anomalies in your sentence spacing though. You keep jumping around between a single-space and a double-space after the periods. Just go with single-space.
The wearer can apply this clay to any non-magical, non-special stone, metal or wood at a rate of 5ft per round, clay used on invalid materials is wasted as it rapidly crumbles to dust.
This is some weak phrasing. You've got a run-on sentence there. Either insert a semi-colon before "clay used on invalid materials..." or start a new sentence. You also need to break apart "5ft" and present that information like normal game text should appear (i.e., "5 ft." or, in this case, "5 feet per round" might have been better).
This is also the point where I start to associate your item with putty for some reason...
The clay changes 1 round after application transforming permanently into the same material it covers. For example, clay spread over a wooden doorframe seals the door to the frame as if it were a solid piece. The thickness, hardness and hit points are of regular clay until it is applied to stone, wood or metal, the clay gains the new materials hardness and hit points.
So, now it's got potential as "krazy glue" for doors...transforming them into walls instead? Granted, they'll have the hardness and hit points of the same material...but not the same thickness. So, what does the Break DC become? Bottom line, you've left some things undefined here.
Secondly, you've missed the mark on presentation again. When you say "...the clay gains the new materials hardness and hit points...." you're missing a possessive apostrophe for "material's"...
If the clay is applied to any precious metal or mineral the duration is treated as the spell Major Creation with a caster level of 15th.
Another presentation problem. Spells like major creation (even if listed in your descriptive text) should always be lowercase and italicized.
I'm also left wondering if you apply this molding clay (which represents several cubic feet) to precious metals and minerals, what's preventing someone from creating a whole volume of additional gold, etc. and then selling it for a profit? Granted, the major creation spell does have a limitation (i.e, 20 minutes/level for precious metals), but at CL 15th, that'll be 5 hours...more than enough time to pass off something as far more valuable than it actually is...
So, there's some ramifications to including this item in the game that gave me pause. On top of that, one of the judges referenced marvelous pigments as an item to which we could compare this one. It caused us to stop and ask if this particular idea was any more innovative than that one. And, if not, why would we elevate the naturesmith gloves to Top 32.
It also allowed us to assess how marvelous pigments controls for the potential abuse of creating valuable goods...i.e., it makes everything it creates into items and materials that only look valuable, but really aren't. At 4,000 gp for 1,000 cubic feet spread over a 100-square-foot surface, the marvelous pigments also have a finite limit on how much they can do. Your gloves produce a somewhat similar power in smaller amounts, but you can keep doing it everyday. You priced your gloves at 14,400 gp...which is equivalent to a little over three marvelous pigments. I'm not sure that's enough given the greater utility.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Polymorph Any Object, Major Creation, creator must have 10 ranks in the Craft (Sculpting) skill; Cost 7,200 gp
More presentation problems here...and I got really annoyed with this (not just with your item, but many others I reviewed). The contest has been running for 4 years now. There's tons of examples on how to properly format wondrous items in the Core Rulebook, the PRD, and prior years of the competition. So I don't understand why people still mess up the template.
For you, you had everything in the right place (somewhat). And, you did better than most. But spell names need to be lowercase, italicized, and alphabetized within their individual listing. Also, skills that require a specialization like Craft, Knowledge, Perform, and Profession never capitalize the specialty. It should be lowercase. And you don't need to tell us it's a "skill"...because when you list it using the correct game terminology, we already know it's one. So, this section should have read:
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, major creation, polymorph any object, creator must have 10 ranks in Craft (sculpting); Cost 7,200 gp
Summary:
Decent name (but partially unrealized in relation to the item's description and backstory)Bland idea (other items like marvelous pigments can do similar enough stuff)
Incomplete mechanics (you needed to consider more thoroughly the mechanical ramifications of this item)
Weak writing (some grammar issues and game terminology mis-steps)
Flawed presentation (several mis-steps in applying the template correctly)
Advice: You need to work on generating more innovative ideas and names. You need to educate yourself better on how wondrous items and various game terminology should appear from a template and formatting perspective. You also need to fully think through the mechanical "holes" your item (and its description or lack thereof) would introduce to the game, spurring arguments at the gaming table. And, lastly, you need proofread better before submitting.
Neil, destroy mine too. the Ever Seeking Compass. I will take your advise, but next year I am just going to let go and have fun. I spent too much time this year trying to make a 'Superstar' item and just bombed it all around and really didn't enjoy the process.
There is a great deal of mistakes to cover in that submission, so feel free to criticize and pick it apart. I am very acclimated to criticism and enjoy honesty.
Drum roll please...
The Ever Seeking Compass
Aura Strong Divination CL 11th
Slot none; Price 242,000 GP; Weight 1 lb.
This item appears to be a mundane steel compass. The needle of compass is not affixed to the magnetic poles of a planet but to a goal or destination of the current holder. When first picked up and when at rest the compass is always pointed to a certain location. The location has been rumored to be were a previous owner had died while being guided by the compass. Other rumors state that the compass is drawn to strong magical locations.
The compass, with the use of material components and verbal descriptors, The compass is cued by material components placed onto it’s face and verbally specifying any variables to the inquiry. The compass will lead the owner to the closest matching target of the inquiry unless it has specific verbal inquiries are given; “where can I find a hoard of these?” as he lays a gold piece on the face of the compass. The compass would then take him to a large quantity of gold pieces no matter how dangerous it is to acquire. Alignment, hostility, contracts, and other specific inquiries are limited to a range of 120 feet. The compass can lead the holder to almost anything as long as he has an component he can remotely relate to the target. More specific the components more accurate of a detection. The compass also functions in very broad and narrow searches as the spells locate creature and locate object with a range of 840 feet. If the targets are outside of the related ranges, then a general direction will be given. The more information given, the more accurate the detection.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, find the path, locate creature, locate object, true seeing; Cost 121,000 GP
Neil, if you happen to have any spare change remaining, could you please spend it on my item, if you think it is worth it. It is essentially a bomb that deels bleed damage and needs blood to recharge. It received an "overpowered" comment. On the contrary, I think I added to many limitations. Also, I chose the transmutation aura because it fitted more with an alchemist item than with the spell requirements. Thanks for your time and advice.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot —; Price 17,000 gp; Weight 1-2 lbs.
Description
A throbbing orb is a crystal sphere the size of a human heart that is cold and translucent in its inert state. When held in hand, the orb confers immunity to bleed damage to its possessor and the wounding property to any slashing or piercing melee weapon he wields. Moreover, each time bleed damage is taken by a creature in a 5-foot radius, a charge is added to the orb. When the maximum number of charges (20) is reached, the wounding property is lost. As the orb absorbs blood vapors, it takes on a carmine hue and its wielder can feel it beginning to pulsate on its own, gradually growing softer, warmer and heavier. As a swift action, a throbbing orb can be activated; it can then be thrown to sprinkle enemies in a 5-foot radius with a powerful anticoagulant that only affects creatures at less than full hit points. Treat the orb as a thrown splash weapon with a range of 20 feet. All charges in the orb are expended on impact. On a direct hit, an orb inflicts 1d4 points of bleed damage for every 4 charges spent (maximum 5d4). Splash damage is equal to the orb's minimum bleed damage (maximum 5). Once discharged, a throbbing orb becomes inert, losing all abilities until until 24 hours have elapsed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bleed, cure light wounds, creator must be an alchemist; Cost 8,500 gp
Neil, destroy mine too.
Brace yourself. I'm going to load both barrels on this critique, because exactly as you indicated, there's a great deal of mistakes in this one. That said, it should serve as a pretty thorough object lesson for anyone following along. I hope you've got some thick skin...
The Ever Seeking Compass
The name itself isn't all that bad. Personally, I would have named it "The Everseeking Compass" and saved a word, but no biggie.
Instead, I have to immediately point out your first major error. You didn't follow the rules of the contest.
...The subject line of the submission form should contain only the name of the item. The body of the form should include only the complete item text in the appropriate format (this means the item name will be included in the body as well)....
The way your submission came to us, you only put the item name in the title and didn't include it in the body of your text. We could make some allowances for that, as people can often get confused by how the posting works here on the messageboards. However, in your case, if you had included the item name in your text, you would have been over word-count. That's because, as-written, your entry clocks in at exactly 300 words.
This almost always raises red flags. Why? Because it's usually a sign of a writer that can't rein himself in. Or, it indicates someone who's not yet proficient enough with writing descriptive text to write with economy and efficiency. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes, we get designers who wring every last word out of their word-count, but they really bring the awesome with it. That's someone who's making the most of their words...rather than rambling on, not quite in focus.
So, bottom line...we had grounds to flat out reject your submission. In reality, we didn't. Instead, I got to it first and I assessed it like I'd do for any other submission. Even so, there were so many glaring mistakes in it that it only took two judges (me and Ryan) to toss it into the Reject pile. Why? Read on...
Aura Strong Divination CL 11th
Slot none; Price 242,000 GP; Weight 1 lb.
Okay. Next point of contention. You botched the template in terms of presentation...pretty much across the board. You had every element included. You just capitalized stuff when you shouldn't have. You left off italics when you needed to include them. You didn't make use of the boldface tags for the template headers in each section. Again, this is stuff that someone not yet used to using the messageboards here at Paizo might not fully know how to incorporate. That's why Sean included the BBC-code tags in the template he provided in the Round One rules:
ItemName
Aura ZZstrength ZZschool; CL ZZth
Slot ZZslot; Price ZZ gp; Weight ZZ lbs.
Description
ItemDescriptionParagraph
Construction
Requirements ZZfeats, ZZspells, ZZother; Cost ZZ gp
This is the second year the judges have provided this template for folks to follow. And, anyone who'd done their homework and looked through items from the prior years could have seen this template being used. You might not understand the BBCode required to bold something. In fact, it seemed evident throughout your submission that you just copy/pasted straight out of MS Word or some other word processor and dropped it into your submission window. Without the BBCode tags, any bolding or italicizing you do in a word processor won't copy over. That's because messageboards rely on straight text and HTML for presentation effects.
What usually bugs me is when people use BBCode tags in some places (like italicizing spells) but then don't include them for the stat-block's headers. To me, that shows that they know how to use BBCode, but they were too lazy to apply it throughout their submission. You didn't do this. I'm just pointing it out for others to learn. Instead, your total lack of formatting led me to assume you just didn't understand BBCode and messageboard posting...which might imply that you're new to Paizo's online community...and we actually want to encourage new user participation...so I wasn't going to hold that against too strongly, particularly since you got the rest of the listed format correct in terms of "order of appearance" for all the information.
That said, you still screwed up other stuff. The Round One rules told everyone to use the same presentation for wondrous items as found in the Core Rulebook. So, if you'd spent time looking through those published items, you would have seen that an item's aura doesn't need to be capitalized (i.e., it should be "strong divination"). Also, item's that have no slot, generally use an em-dash "--" rather than the word "none." Also, nowhere in the book will you find an item with a price that exceeds 200,000 gp. So, when a contestant submits something that costly, the judges all universally start looking for the Reject button...not necessarily to push it right away, but our fingers are certainly poised to do so as we finish reading.
In terms of assessing the actual content of what you included in this section, you've got an appropriate aura and caster level for the spells in your construction requirements and what the item generally allows you to do. However, I do notice that you've mixed and matched a cleric/druid-only spell like find the path with a bard/sorcerer/wizard-only spell like locate creature. So, it makes for some weird contemplation around who would actually be able to craft this item. A multiclass spellcaster, perhaps? A mystic theurge? Or, two spellcasters acting in concert?
Your slot makes sense for a handheld item. Your price is way out of whack. And your assigned weight is a bit heavy for a compass. Paizo's Advanced Player's Guide has it established at 1/2 lb. rather than 1 lb.
This item appears to be a mundane steel compass.
The first thing I notice here is that your submission includes a paragraph indent (and presumably line breaks) within your descriptive text. Again, when you copy/paste straight from a word processor into the text-based messageboard windows here at Paizo, that kind of stuff gets stripped off. So, your indents didn't come through. And your line breaks got scrunched up. If you'd availed yourself of the preview button in the submission tool, you might have noticed this and adjusted for it. But again, no biggie. I was far more concerned with assessing your content. But presentation can count for something, too. So, always look for ways to make your submission look as professional and polished as possible.
Next up, lets talk about this lead-off text. It's really bland. "This item appears to be a mundane steel compass." Appears to be? How about it is...? This is very passive language, as well. Why not get more descriptive? "The markings on the exterior of this steel compass glow softly with an eldritch light." No passive voice in that statement. Far more evocative. And yet, it also manages to tell us what the item is...while getting the reader excited to read more. You didn't do enough with this to capture the imagination.
The needle of compass is not affixed to the magnetic poles of a planet but to a goal or destination of the current holder. When first picked up and when at rest the compass is always pointed to a certain location. The location has been rumored to be were a previous owner had died while being guided by the compass. Other rumors state that the compass is drawn to strong magical locations.
Several comments here. First and foremost, this runs straight into one of Sean's auto-reject advice threads. Don't duplicate an item out of a book, movie, etc. as your RPG Superstar item. This pretty much duplicates the compass from Pirates of the Caribbean. So much so that it prompted one of the judges to offer up the snark about Disney calling up to say they wanted their gimmick back. So, your item idea immediately took us to a bad place in terms of assessing the creativity and innovation you might bring to the contest if we elevated you to Top 32.
Secondly, you've got serious grammar and writing problems. "The needle of compass is not affixed"...? Really? How about "The needle of the compass is not affixed"...? "The location has been rumored to be were a previous owner had died"...? How about "The location has been rumored to be where a previous owner died"...? Even then, that last statement is chock full of passive-voice and use of the verb "to be" (i.e., "is"..."has been"..."to be" x 2). This is not representative of good, solid, professional writing. So you're going to need a lot of work on that.
Thirdly, what's the deal with all the rumors about this item? Either it does or doesn't do these things. Why dangle that out there like maybe...? You're hiding things from the reader...who, in this instance, happens to be the judges...but, if this were a published item, you'd be hiding it from the GM or the players as they try to figure out what your item actually does and how it does it. You've pretty much lost focus here. You're spending too much time clouding things with rumors and backstory when you should be diving straight into what your item does and how it does it.
The compass, with the use of material components and verbal descriptors, The compass is cued by material components placed onto it’s face and verbally specifying any variables to the inquiry.
What the...? That's not even a complete sentence. It's two sentences jammed together. You obviously didn't proofread this...or even ask anyone else to do so for you. Or, if you did, they failed you...miserably. This is also highly confusing and open-ended language. I get what you mean. It's just not stated very well at all.
The compass will lead the owner to the closest matching target of the inquiry unless it has specific verbal inquiries are given; “where can I find a hoard of these?” as he lays a gold piece on the face of the compass.
What...? The part that says "...unless it has specific verbal inquiries are given..." isn't even proper grammar. You also say, "The compass will lead..." and, ditching the use of the word "will" to strengthen your writing, is another piece of advice Sean gave in the early going. So, again, I get the sense you haven't done your homework...at all. Instead, you're just coming up with an idea that you think is cool and throwing it in the hopper on the off-chance that the judges might like it, too. You're not actually applying yourself to learning what this contest is about...what advice has been given...or even the basic underpinnings of what's expected of a professional freelancer. That's the impression that mistakes like this give anyone who reads your work.
Lastly, a word about in-character quotes. Don't use them. Not even as examples. How many wondrous item descriptions in any published work have you ever seen use a phrase like "...'where can I find a hoard of these?' as he lays a gold piece on the face of the compass."...? You haven't. That's because it's lame. You should be able to describe the use of a material component that attunes the item to what the owner wishes to find without resorting to this kind of language.
The compass would then take him to a large quantity of gold pieces no matter how dangerous it is to acquire.
Weak, passive language again. "The compass would then..." and "...no matter how dangerous it is to acquire..." really bug me. The idea behind this power is really annoying, too. It's like the instant "let's find treasure!" item for players to skip right past whatever storyline is involved in an adventure. They'll just chart their own course...or start their own adventures...by pulling this thing out, laying a gold piece on it, and telling the compass to lead the way. Boring. That kind of item adds nothing to the game itself. In fact, it has the potential to seriously detract by derailing the GM and making his job all the harder as he has to constantly figure out where the nearest treasure troves might be...all...the...time.
Alignment, hostility, contracts, and other specific inquiries are limited to a range of 120 feet.
How are any of these things interpreted in game terms? Alignment, I can see. What does "hostility" mean? Anyone with a starting condition of Hostile (an actual game term)? Or anyone who just happens not to like you? What's a "contract" doing amid the possible inquiries? And what does "other specific" inquiries mean? This is far too open-ended. And that makes it ripe for abuse.
The compass can lead the holder to almost anything as long as he has an component he can remotely relate to the target.
Poor grammar..."as long as he has an component"...
What does "almost anything" mean? What can't it lead someone to...?
More specific the components more accurate of a detection.
This isn't a complete sentence.
The compass also functions in very broad and narrow searches as the spells locate creature and locate object with a range of 840 feet. If the targets are outside of the related ranges, then a general direction will be given.
You failed to italicize your spell names here (again, presumably because you didn't know how to apply BBCode via the submission tool). Calling out the 840-foot limitation (as compared to the 120-foot limitation for specific inquiries) seems arbitrary and pointless. Why not just assign a single range to this item and leave it that?
In addition, you've entered Spell-in-a-Can territory with the locate creature and locate object abilities...which is essentially what this item is about anyway. At the price of 242,000 gp, why would anyone want this item over simply using those spells? By the time you can afford this magic item, you can already cast discern location and locate creature and locate object and find the path pretty much inexhaustibly over the course of their remaining adventuring career. This item really isn't worth acquiring.
The more information given, the more accurate the detection.
At least this statment comes off a bit more like a complete sentence this time.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, find the path, locate creature, locate object, true seeing; Cost 121,000 GP
This is actually pretty decent aside from the missing BBCode tags to boldface and italicize things. You've got your feat name capitalized (as you should) and your spell names lowercase and alphabetized in their individual listing (as you should). And, your price/cost ratio was properly calculated...it's just way over-costed based on what the item does.
Summary:
Decent name
Bad idea (you've given us the compass from Pirates of the Caribbean)
Incomplete mechanics (you didn't think through everything here; your pricing is over-the-top)
Poor writing (way too many basic grammar issues)
Incomplete presentation (the template didn't get used correctly and your item name was missing from the body of the text)
Advice: You're not ready. Not even close. And that's in terms of making the right choices for something creative and innovative to submit to the contest...making sure you have your mechanics hammered out right...and in your actual writing, attention-to-detail, and professional polish. You need to study the rules of the game. You need to study the contest on what's been done before...how...and why. You need to read through all the advice threads again. And you need a lot of practice, both in your writing and actual game design. That's the harsh truth, but it's a necessary truth if you seriously want to give this a go again.
Best wishes,
--Neil
Neil, if you happen to have any spare change remaining, could you please spend it on my item...
Sure!
It received an "overpowered" comment.
Yep. That was me! But it was more of an "underpriced" comment in relation to the powers the item provided.
On the contrary, I think I added too many limitations.
I would disagree...but I'll get into that below.
Also, I chose the transmutation aura because it fitted more with an alchemist item than with the spell requirements.
Poor choice. Rather than basing your item on a single class, I think it's better (for RPG Superstar) to widen the appeal of an item as much as you can. And, for the purposes of defining your item's aura, look more to the spells involved in its construction and its effects moreso than which class you want to be using/creating it.
Thanks for your time and advice.
No problem.
Throbbing Orb
I actually didn't care for the name. Made me think of a throbbing, bloody eyeball. And that wasn't a good image to have going into reading what your item does. Once I got a feel for what you intended, I started imagining other names for it...most of them equally as bad...like Blood Bomb...and stuff like that. Sorry. It's just where the idea, the name, and the text took me. Or, maybe I was in a foul mood after going through a whole list of items that weren't taking the contest seriously. I don't know.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot —; Price 17,000 gp; Weight 1-2 lbs.
I think you had the wrong aura for this one. Should have been necromancy straight-up with something like the bleed spell and the wounding special weapon property coming into play. You had your caster level set higher than the spells needed in your construction requirements. But, based on what this item could do, I agree with you that it needs a higher than normal caster level...so 10th level seems about right. Slot and weight seem appropriate for a crystal orb the size of a human heart. I'd rather see you settle on 1 or 2 lbs. though than give a variable range.
And now we get to price. I felt you were way off here. The ability to convey the wounding special weapon property to any slashing or peircing melee weapon (and presumably stack with any other abilities that weapon might have) is an exponential increase in power. That's because weapon special properties stack and add together according to the table listed in the Core Rulebook. We had a lot of weapon property stacking items this year. Yours did that in addition to providing protection against all bleed damage. And, in addition to the ability to store up the charges from inflicting wounding damage on your targets and then fling the orb as a "blood bomb" to inflict even further bleed damage on your foes. Very potent.
Is 17,000 gp enough for that? I didn't feel so. Especially since you get to pick this thing up and use it all over again 24 hours later. This becomes the uber-save-it-until-the-BBEG-fight-in-every-adventure-so-we-can-inflict-blee d-damage-on-him-and-magnify-it-with-a-blood-bomb-to-win-the-day-everytime item. Oh, and it'll protect us from all bleed damage at the same time, just in case. Thus, I wasn't a fan. And this item felt like it wasn't fully thought through with regards to game-breaking potential and possible abuse.
Description
A throbbing orb is a crystal sphere the size of a human heart that is cold and translucent in its inert state.
Fantastic lead-off. You tell us exactly what the item is...and you paid great attention-to-detail by making sure you properly italicized your own item name when you used it in the text. That speaks of professionalism, so I'm eager to read on...despite the imagery the name of the item put in my head.
When held in hand, the orb confers immunity to bleed damage to its possessor and the wounding property to any slashing or piercing melee weapon he wields.
Potent. But situational with regards to protecting someone from bleed damage. The weapon property stacking thing raised my eyebrows. Again, because of how many times we saw that. And the design concerns that goes into stacking other magic weapon properties together.
Moreover, each time bleed damage is taken by a creature in a 5-foot radius, a charge is added to the orb. When the maximum number of charges (20) is reached, the wounding property is lost.
I was cool with this. You intentionally limited it. However, that's 20 separate hits required in a battle to pile up those 20 charges. So, the wounding property is going to last a couple of battles unless you've got multiple PCs dealing bleed damage in a 5-foot radius (say a rogue you're flanking with who has the bleeding sneak attack rogue talent, etc.).
As the orb absorbs blood vapors, it takes on a carmine hue and its wielder can feel it beginning to pulsate on its own, gradually growing softer, warmer and heavier.
Nice imagery. And, obviously, the implication here is that you're fighting with this orb in one hand...and your wounding weapon in the other...so the user has to forego a shield. That's a decent offset. Still not enough to make me reverse my opinion on the price-to-power ratio.
As a swift action, a throbbing orb can be activated; it can then be thrown to sprinkle enemies in a 5-foot radius with a powerful anticoagulant that only affects creatures at less than full hit points. Treat the orb as a thrown splash weapon with a range of 20 feet.
Items that get to be used as a swift action to pull off their effect are often troublesome. It's usually another design consideration to bump up the price a little. That's because a normal grenade-like item would take a standard attack action to throw. Yet, this orb doesn't...which means you get to throw it and still have enough actions remaining to make a full attack, if you want. Or, a move action and another attack. Bottom line, the power of this item gets elevated with that small distinction. And, it's something you have to consider.
Also, for future reference for anyone reading along, Sean really hates wondrous items that only require a move action to activate, too. Typically, magic items should always take a standard action for activation. Otherwise, it creates further pricing concerns because of the economy of actions built into the game. Items that only require a move action let you activate the wondrous item and still activate another wondrous item that only requires a standard action. So, it's double-dipping in ways that are even better than what a haste spell lets you do. Something to consider anyway...
All charges in the orb are expended on impact. On a direct hit, an orb inflicts 1d4 points of bleed damage for every 4 charges spent (maximum 5d4). Splash damage is equal to the orb's minimum bleed damage (maximum 5).
So, I gather from this statement that you don't have to wait for the wounding property to "switch off" on your weapon before activating and throwing the orb as a "blood bomb"...the only difference being, it won't inflict as much damage as it would if it were fully charged. Still, bleed damage normally carries with it the assumption that it will be ongoing until someone heals you. So, if this "blood bomb" goes off like a splash weapon, is that going to potentially inflict 5d4 bleed damage per round to the guy who takes a direct hit? Does everyone in the splash radius potentially take up to 5 bleed damage per round as well? If so, that's really powerful. But I got the sense that's not what you meant. Either way, you should have made it as clear as possible, because I could see arguments between players and GMs based on this phrasing.
Once discharged, a throbbing orb becomes inert, losing all abilities until 24 hours have elapsed.
And this told me it's not a disposable, throwaway bomb. You get to bring it back and use it all over again the next day. That ramps up the power level significantly again. And, once I added all those things up, that's what caused me to feel it was off in terms of its price-to-power ratio. Who wouldn't buy one of these things? What if everyone in the party bought one?
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bleed, cure light wounds, creator must be an alchemist; Cost 8,500 gp
Good attention to detail and using the template again. You've got the professional polish. Everything is listed in the right place. The formatting is spot-on. I didn't care so much about the "creator must be an alchemist" bit...but I understood what you were going for...
Summary:
Lousy name (not sure how the other judges felt, but I just didn't like it at all)
Decent idea (just think you went too far with it or didn't clarify everything as well as needed)
Shaky mechanics (this one raised more questions than it answered on the bleed effect and weapon property stacking)
Decent writing (wanted it to be clearer in some areas, but you generally write well)
Excellent presentation (aside from your item's variable weight, you've got the logistics down)
Advice: This wasn't a bad shot at things in terms of presentation and the idea behind it. I think your mechanics didn't quite get clear enough or consider some of the areas it might be misinterpreted or cause the potential for abuse (depending on how people interpreted). So, I'd advise you to think things through as much as you can. Compare to other items in the game that deal with the same mechanic you're invoking or tweaking. Playtest it out and see how it performs in a battle...not just with a routine group...but also with an optimized group with special abilities and class abilities that might harmonize with your item. See if that breaks the game. If so, go back to the drawing board and either adjust or clarify. Looking back on this one, I'd say you're not that far off on making the Keep pile. If you keep exploring ideas like this one and tightening out the mechanics with a clear, precise presentation, I think that'll help you a lot. Oh...and work on some better names. ;-)
Best of luck,
--Neil
Neil, if you have time left to spare, I'd like to get your deeper insights into my Candle of Detection please. Thank you!
Aura: Moderate Divination CL: 6th
Slot: none; Price: 3,500 gp; Weight: ½ lbs
Description:
The Candle of Detection is 4 inches tall when created. When its lighted and a body part like a lock of hair, bit of claw or nail etc. of a creature is burned in its flame the Candle of Detection is attached to the creature to whom the body part belongs. The flame then points into the direction of the creature, but it is a flickering flame and wind does easily mess with the result, as can mislead and nondetection, but not polymorph. A strong gale can extinguish the flame, but the candle can be relighted normally.
In addition to pointing at the creature, the candle also shrinks with the health of the creature, if the creature is at roughly half its hitpoints the candle is only roughly 2 inches tall also. Should the creature heal itself the candle doesn't regrow, it stays at its level until the creature is less healthy then before. The candle burns with a normal light, but a sick attached creature let it burn green, an undead let it burn black and other colors have also been reported.
Has the candle not shrunken it is possible to reattach it to another creature, but once the shrinking process has started the candle stays attaches to the creature. An extinguished candle attached to a dead creature does melt away immediatly after being lighted or relighted.
Construction:
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, locate creature, status; Cost: 1,750 gp
Neil, if you have time left to spare, I'd like to get your deeper insights into my Candle of Detection please. Thank you!
I'm a little reluctant to do this one, Tarakin. As you indicated earlier, you're not a native English speaker. So, a lot of your errors involved the grammar problems throughout your item's description. Also, the item as you've listed it here isn't the one we saw in the judges' forums. You didn't have all the right BBCode as you've done here. And, you didn't include your item name in the body of your text. Most of the things I would say go back to the same advice I just did for Vincent's throbbing orb. But I'll touch on what I can for you...
Candle of Detection
Kind of a bland, utilitarian-sounding name. Nothing Superstar innovative about it at first glance.
Aura: Moderate Divination CL: 6th
Slot: none; Price: 3,500 gp; Weight: ½ lbs
You've messed up the template here. You don't need colons after your headings. Instead, they should be boldface like you indicated in your reposting. You've also captialized your aura (i.e., it should be "moderate divination") and your caster level isn't appropriate for an item that's built around locate creature. At a minimum, it should be CL 7th. Slot should be an em-dash (--) rather than "none"...and you've apparently copied/pasted the "½" character (which most word processors "auto-correct" for you) when it should be "1/2" instead. Price seems kind of okay for now.
Description:
The candle of detection is 4 inches tall when created.
This is a little too spartan. You need more here. Not descriptive or evocative enough.
When its lighted and a body part like a lock of hair, bit of claw or nail etc. of a creature is burned in its flame the Candle of Detection is attached to the creature to whom the body part belongs.
Lots of grammar problems here. The way it reads, it makes it seem like the candle physically "attaches" to someone, when I'm sure you only mean it "attunes" itself to them. Also, you should lowercase and italicize your own item's name if you reference it in your descriptive text.
The flame then points into the direction of the creature, but it is a flickering flame and wind does easily mess with the result, as can mislead and nondetection, but not polymorph. A strong gale can extinguish the flame, but the candle can be relighted normally.
This is a little too open-ended. Winds can "mess" with the flickering flame or extinguish it. What if you just put it inside a lantern or lamp to protect it from the wind? Those kinds of developments kind of make this statement a throwaway.
In addition to pointing at the creature, the candle also shrinks with the health of the creature, if the creature is at roughly half its hitpoints the candle is only roughly 2 inches tall also. Should the creature heal itself the candle doesn't regrow, it stays at its level until the creature is less healthy then before.
This made the item come off like a "health meter" you might see in a video game...and that's never a good impression to give the judges. It just doesn't stand out as a Superstar-caliber item.
The candle burns with a normal light, but a sick attached creature let it burn green, an undead let it burn black and other colors have also been reported.
The bit about "other colors" also being "reported" rubbed me the wrong way. Either tell us all the different colors and what they're associated with...or don't dangle this out there at all. It's too open-ended for an RPG Superstar submission.
Has the candle not shrunken it is possible to reattach it to another creature, but once the shrinking process has started the candle stays attaches to the creature. An extinguished candle attached to a dead creature does melt away immediatly after being lighted or relighted.
So, it's expendable. But, if it keeps reducing by half everytime you use it and a creature loses enough hit points, how long does it take before the candle is physically gone? I'm not real clear on an exact duration for the item's usefulness.
Construction:
Requirements: Craft Wonderous Item, locate creature, status; Cost: 1,750 gp
You hit one of my pet-peeves here. It's "Craft Wondrous Item"...not "Craft Wonderous Item"...but at least you got your spell names italicized and in the right order. It annoys me though that you remembered to italicize spells here, but you didn't bother to boldface the headers in the template. If you can do one, you should be able to do the other. And, the fact that you didn't came off lazy.
Summary:
Meidocre name (nothing special, even if it's an appropriate name)
Mildly interesting idea (but it lost me on the health meter aspect)
Shaky mechanics (not enough explanation on some things)
Poor writing (just not ready yet in terms of your mastery of English grammar)
Flawed presentation (mis-steps on using the template and presenting game terminology)
Advice: You've still got a long way to go on the writing end of things. But you already know that. In terms of idea, it didn't have enough going for it to be Superstar-worthy. And you still need to work on conveying all the mechanical underpinnings and considerations for your item.
Best of luck,
--Neil
Thanks a lot, Neil. Now I think I am both closer and farther than I thought!
I actually didn't care for the name.
This is funny because "throbbing" was in the concept all along. At first it was a throbbing chalice with a bleed aura and I changed it to an orb when I decided to go for the bleed bomb instead. French is my native language, and it's stange how it is difficult to evaluate the coolness of a word in another language. To me, "throbbing" is lot cooler than "palpitant" ;)
The immunity to bleed damage was added simply because I was obsessed with characters being able to bleed themselves just to fill the orb (especially the Holy Vindicator).
I didn't correctly explain the activation. I visualized it as pulling the pin from a grenade would require a swift action and throwing it would automatically be a standard action, without having to actually write it. I still had words, so this is a mistake.
I admit our group doesn't play a lot with bleed, and I thought 12-13 points of damage per round was not that much considering the item took some time to fill and had to be thrown successfully. The splash can add some, but it can also affect other party members. I also intended the orb to fill not just on hits that deal bleed damage but on bleed damage taken in any successive round, but the description obviously is not clear enough. It would result in the orb filling more rapidly, thus the wounding property fading faster too. But I realize that offsetting the two together is not... really an offset.
So I am closer than I thought in terms of communicating what a rather complicated item does. But since you (and other judges) "disbelieved" that I actually meant bleed damage for the bomb even though I wrote bleed damage, it also means I am a lot farther than I thought in terms of game balance...
Again, thanks a lot, Neil. Your 2 cents are really worth more than that!
Hey Neil, I was wondering if you could cast your All Seeing Eye on my item. I don't think you've done it already (it was on the first page), but if you did and I missed it, just point me back there.
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot --; Price 500 gp; Weight --
Description
This tiny glass vial contains a number of wispy, glowing threads. When the vial is opened or broken (as by being thrown at a hard surface), the strands emerge and elongate, moving rapidly to the nearest undead creature. The strands make a bull rush, disarm, trip, or grapple attempt (chosen by the user) against the undead creature using a CMB of +8. If the strands successfully grapple their target, they will attempt to maintain the grapple for 1d4 rounds before dissolving. Any other combat maneuver, or a failed grapple check, causes the strands to dissolve immediately. The strands are usable against incorporeal undead and do not provoke attacks of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, halt undead; Cost 250 gp
There are a few obvious issues, like not specifying a range or dealing with concealment. It's also underpowered (CMB should probably be higher).
Hey Neil, I was wondering if you could cast your All Seeing Eye on my item. I don't think you've done it already (it was on the first page), but if you did and I missed it, just point me back there.
Hmmm...how'd I miss this one? I thought I did the deep dive on everything from the front page. Guess I was wrong. Time to rectify.
Moonlight Strands
I liked the name...somewhat. But, given that it's a vial, it might have been better to call it a vial of moonlight strands. Otherwise, you kind of give the impression that the strands are simply wispy ropes or something that you coil up when you're not using them.
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot --; Price 500 gp; Weight --
Aura and caster level seem appropriate for a 3rd level spell like halt undead. Slot makes sense. Weight is appropriate for a tiny vial. Price is debatable for what this does, but at least you've made it a one-shot item since the strands dissipate after a set time.
Description
This tiny glass vial contains a number of wispy, glowing threads.
Smart lead-off. Short, simple, effective description to tell us what it is...and what it looks like. Well done.
When the vial is opened or broken (as by being thrown at a hard surface), the strands emerge and elongate, moving rapidly to the nearest undead creature.
Sounds like a grenade-like weapon, but without a splash effect...and you haven't indicated a range increment for it (which you should). Also, the manner in which these strands emerge (and operate) immediately has me comparing them to black tentacles, which might have been a more useful spell to invoke than halt undead.
At this point, I also notice that you're putting two spaces after each period. You'll want to disabuse yourself of that habit if you're going to write professionally. One space after each sentence is all that's necessary. See my earlier comments on the critiques above to better understand why.
The strands make a bull rush, disarm, trip, or grapple attempt (chosen by the user) against the undead creature using a CMB of +8. If the strands successfully grapple their target, they will attempt to maintain the grapple for 1d4 rounds before dissolving.
So...it only works against undead...but you've given it the ability to work against incorporeal undead (probably its best feature). The CMB of +8 is a little low. It's not going to get you very far against most undead. At this price, however, it seems most appropriate for use against zombies and skeletons, in which case, that's probably okay. There'll come a point, though, where most undead won't reasonably be affected by it.
Any other combat maneuver, or a failed grapple check, causes the strands to dissolve immediately.
I'm not sure why this matters all that much. The APG created some new combat maneuvers and future rule developments might introduce more. Are you sure you want to eliminate it from doing anything except bull rushes, disarms, trips, and grapples? I'm also uncertain why the strands will stick around on a missed bull rush, disarm, or trip attempt...presumably to keep "attacking"...but they dissipate on a missed grapple check. Why? And, if they do stick around to keep trying trips, disarms, and bull rushes...how long do they last? I can see that a successful grapple can be maintained for 1d4 rounds, so would it be the same? Also, why the variable effect? Any grappled undead will already have a chance to break free of the grapple on each round. Why compound that early ending of the effect by also giving it a random duration? Seems kind of arbitrary.
The strands are usable against incorporeal undead and do not provoke attacks of opportunity.
Cool. As I said earlier, this was the best part of the item, in my opinion. If you'd just focused your design around an impediment to incorporeal undead (or even expanded to all incorporeal creatures), I think that would have been more solid for you.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, halt undead; Cost 250 gp
Everything's correct here, including the format, use of the template, and the price/cost ratio. I'm still not sold on halt undead as the right spell for this item. The black tentacles spell comes closest to duplicating what this item is supposed to do. If you had pared that with plane shift (i.e., the spell effect that serves as the basis for the ghost touch special weapon property), that would have better helped explain the grappling and ability to affect incorporeal undead.
The bottom line for me on this item is that it bordered on Monster-in-a-Can or Spell-in-a-Can with this summoned "ally" in the strands, which could then impede undead...or, more importantly, incorporeal undead. I think you were on the verge of having something innovative here. But you lost a bit of focus and didn't quite hammer down all the mechanical considerations. Again, I think you could have looked to black tentacles for a lot better feel on how the strands could have operated. Then, you could have made it different enough from black tentacles with the additional combat maneuvers and ghost touch ability that it would have stood out more.
Summary:
Decent name (paints a pretty vivid picture, but I still think the vial should be worked into it)
Pretty cool idea (but would have been better to just focus on the incorporeal effect)
Shaky mechanics (not fully thought through or explained enough for me)
Decent writing (some passive voice crept in, but the evocative imagery helped override it)
Flawless presentation (you've got the professional polish for sure)
Advice: Personally, I think you were pretty close here. You had a Superstar idea, but you couldn't quite express it well enough or keep it focused enough to really win us over. The item was also a little too niche in that it was just going after undead. I would have liked to see it affect all incorporeal creatures. Bottom line: keep practicing. You keep this up and you'll stand a much better chance of reaching the Keep pile.
Neil, if you have time, I'd like a rundown of my item. I'm fairly sure where it fell short, but I'm curious what you made of it.
Gauntlets of Deep Earth
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot hands; Price 36,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
These adamantine and obsidian gauntlets exude a sensation of deep-seated strength to those who touch them. The gauntlets grant the wearer an enhancement bonus to Strength of +4. Treat this bonus as a temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hours the gauntlets are worn. While worn any melee attack the wielder makes against an object with hardness treats the object as if its hardness were reduced by 8.
The gauntlets have an additional power that may be activated on command as a standard action once per day. The wearer may command the gauntlets to make his flesh stone-like for 80 minutes, granting a +3 enhancement bonus to his natural armor which functions as a barkskin spell. Alternately the wielder may cause the gauntlets to consume a gem worth 500 gp as a material component to enhance the spell effect, instead granting the benefit of a stoneskin and darkvision spell for 80 minutes. The darkvision effect continues even if the stoneskin effect is expended. Using this power replaces the natural armor benefit.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, barkskin, bull's strength, darkvision, stoneskin; Cost 18,000 gp
One more Neil, If you're up for it...
Yep. What's one more?
Gauntlets of the Chittering Delve
First, you could have been rejected outright for not including your item name in the body of the text. The rules clearly required that you do that. Nevertheless, we fully assessed your item anyway.
I kind of liked the name. I immediately started wondering if this would let you summon swarms or commune with swarms or somehow influence them. So, you had my interest going into it. And that's good.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th; Slot hands; Price 22,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
I get the aura of transmutation for the beast shape III spell in the construction requirements. But shatter is an evocation effect (which I assume is related to the sundering ability of the item), which you should probably have cited as well. The caster level is appropriate for beast shape III, though. So you're good there. Slot and weight match what you'd expect for a pair of gauntlets.
Price seems a little low for what the item can let you do, though. One of the judges quickly balked at the idea of being able to tunnel at 5 feet per round through rock and leave difficult terrain behind you. This circumvents a lot of dungeon delves pretty quickly. And, it's essentially a Monster-Ability-in-a-Can, which isn't something that generally gets favored unless you're doing something different with it. The batrachian helm from a couple of years back did something cool with the pull ability, but it also included other stuff like using the tongue as a sticky grappling "hook" to quickly transport yourself to other places. So, the lesson here is that if you're going to have an item grant a monster ability, make you sure you make it cool and awesome in a way that distinguishes it from the monster ability itself.
Description
These crude gauntlets are crafted from segmented chitin and poorly cured hide with tufts of fur still attached. Spiraling Aklo runes are burned into each, extolling the powers of the Rough Beast.
Cool. A little longer in the descriptive text than you might ordinarily want. But, in this case, I think the association with Rovagug was appropriate and increased your cool factor.
Upon activation, the gauntlets warp your hands, enlarging grotesquely and elongating your fingers into jagged obsidian talons. These claws allow you to dig through solid rock as if it were soft clay, burrowing through it at a speed of 5 feet/round. You do not leave a usable tunnel behind you unless you choose to, and any such tunnel is filled with rubble and counts as difficult terrain.
This is the part that gave us pause. Giving PCs the ability to do this kind of burrowing can let them create all new entrances into rooms...bypass doors, traps, and hallways...and generally borders on making adventuring too easy. Granted, they only work for 9 rounds per day...but they don't have to be consecutive. Most stone walls aren't even 5 feet thick. So, a single round will burrow through a wall between two rooms. You'd also get the ability to create pits pretty much at will. It just goes too far. Players would find all kinds of creative (and abusive) ways to use these...and not in a good way.
Once so transformed, you cannot wield hand-held weapons, cast spells requiring somatic components, or perform any tasks requiring fine manual dexterity.
I thought this was a nice touch to control for the power-creep in the gauntlets, but it didn't really go far enough. They're an item you put on when you need to tunnel. And then you take them off when you're through so you can do all those other things. That makes it an annoying utility item that gets trotted out everytime a certain obstacle gets in the PCs' way. Hence, it's a "makes adventuring easy" item.
However, you gain two primary natural claw attacks, each of which does 1d6 points of damage.
The judges felt this was a mis-step. You shouldn't make it a static amount of damage. You should base it on the size of the creature wearing the gauntlets, because claw damage scales with size.
If Rovagug is your patron, you can attempt to sunder items in combat with the claws as if you had the Improved Sunder feat....If you already possess the above feat, checks made to sunder gain an additional +2 bonus.
Nice touch. We kind of liked this effect with the caveat that you needed to worship Rovagug to invoke it.
Additionally, your claw strikes can ignore object hardness of 8 or less.
We didn't like this ability as much. Ignoring hardness of 8 or less is pretty substantial. It lets you outright break a lot of materials. Too much, in my opinion.
Activating or deactivating the gauntlets is a swift action, and both gauntlets must be worn in order to function. The gauntlets can remain active for 9 rounds, plus a number of extra rounds equal to your Constitution bonus, if any. These rounds do not need to be consecutive.
We didn't like this at all. Defining a wondrous item's abilities (especially the duration of its effects) based on the wearer's ability scores is bad design. Items should work the same everytime. It's inherent in the magic they're imbued with...not what the wearer brings to the equation. Also, negative Con modifiers would reduce the effectiveness of the item. And, going this route with Con modifiers means it isn't equal in value for all wearer's, because the item winds up having a variable effect depending on their Con score. Hence, you can't really price it effectively, because you never know exactly how many rounds of use an individual will get from it.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous item, shatter, beast shape III; Cost 11, 250 gp
You missed your capitalization on "item" in the Craft Wondrous Item feat. Your spells are also out of order. They need to be alphabetized. Also, no space is needed between the "11," and "250" in your cost.
Summary:
Decent name (definitely had my interest, but didn't quite live up to anything about a "chittering delve")
Pretty cool idea (but just took things too far in terms of abuse potential)
Poor mechanics (defining an item's variable abilities based on wearer's Con score is bad design)
Good writing (you actually write pretty well and used proper game terminology throughout)
Flawed presentation (you had a few mis-steps in using the template and forgot to include the item's name in the body text)
Advice: You need to think your designs through more fully and consider all the aspects of the game that it could wind up "breaking." Just because something sounds cool, doesn't mean a wondrous item should be created to enable it. That said, you're going down the right track. This one had some mis-steps in a few key areas (i.e., mechanics, use of the template), but those are correctable. Once you get that out of the way, you can focus on your Superstar ideas and your strong writing ability should help you convey them pretty well.
Thanks for the reply Neil, it's nice having an in depth critique. I've got a couple replies to your commentary.
I'm not sure why this matters all that much. The APG created some new combat maneuvers and future rule developments might introduce more. Are you sure you want to eliminate it from doing anything except bull rushes, disarms, trips, and grapples? I'm also uncertain why the strands will stick around on a missed bull rush, disarm, or trip attempt...presumably to keep "attacking"...but they dissipate on a missed grapple check. Why? And, if they do stick around to keep trying trips, disarms, and bull rushes...how long do they last? I can see that a successful grapple can be maintained for 1d4 rounds, so would it be the same? Also, why the variable effect? Any grappled undead will already have a chance to break free of the grapple on each round. Why compound that early ending of the effect by also giving it a random duration? Seems kind of arbitrary.
By "any other combat maneuver," I actually meant any but grapple. The idea was that they would not stick around after a bull rush, disarm, or trip; they would perform the maneuver and then vanish. I guess my phrasing was unclear there. I also should have included maneuvers from the APG, or a provision for further expansions to the ruleset.
I set a maximum duration for the grapple to reduce the power level of the item (clearly it didn't need that reduction) so that it was unlikely to hold a creature for an entire encounter.
At this point, I also notice that you're putting two spaces after each period. You'll want to disabuse yourself of that habit if you're going to write professionally.
Curses! I thought I had taken those out. I've been working on making that change in all my writing since one of the judges pointed it out in December.
Advice: Personally, I think you were pretty close here. You had a Superstar idea, but you couldn't quite express it well enough or keep it focused enough to really win us over. The item was also a little too niche in that it was just going after undead. I would have liked to see it affect all incorporeal creatures. Bottom line: keep practicing. You keep this up and you'll stand a much better chance of reaching the Keep pile.
Thanks! Count on seeing me again next year.
Neil, if you have time, I'd like a rundown of my item. I'm fairly sure where it fell short, but I'm curious what you made of it.
There's really not a whole lot more to say about this one that the judges' comments didn't already convey, Cydeth. It's got a lot of Spell-in-a-Can effects. And, you've layered in enough of them that it tripped the Swiss-Army-Knife pitfall for you, too.
Gauntlets of Deep Earth
Decent name. Not super evocative, but reasonable.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot hands; Price 36,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Aura and CL work for an item primarily based around transmutation spells, the highest of which is 4th level (i.e., stoneskin). Slot works for gauntlets. You've got them a bit heavier than normal, but maybe that's appropriate for gauntlets of the "deep earth." Price is in the ballpark. I didn't number-crunch it or anything. But it shouldn't be too hard, considering the item mostly just stacks a bunch of spell effects into it.
Description
These adamantine and obsidian gauntlets exude a sensation of deep-seated strength to those who touch them.
Very good, evocative description.
The gauntlets grant the wearer an enhancement bonus to Strength of +4. Treat this bonus as a temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hours the gauntlets are worn.
Very similar to a belt of giant strength +4. So that's a base price of 16,000 gp right away.
While worn any melee attack the wielder makes against an object with hardness treats the object as if its hardness were reduced by 8.
Meh. I'm not really a fan of reducing hardness so easily with an item like this...but maybe that's just me.
The gauntlets have an additional power that may be activated on command as a standard action once per day. The wearer may command the gauntlets to make his flesh stone-like for 80 minutes, granting a +3 enhancement bonus to his natural armor which functions as a barkskin spell.
Spell-in-a-Can at CL 8th.
Alternately the wielder may cause the gauntlets to consume a gem worth 500 gp as a material component to enhance the spell effect, instead granting the benefit of a stoneskin and darkvision spell for 80 minutes. The darkvision effect continues even if the stoneskin effect is expended. Using this power replaces the natural armor benefit.
More Spell-in-a-Can effects with the added requirement of eating up 500 gp gemstones. That wasn't enough to differentiate it. The device is still simply duplicating spell effects. Not innovative enough for RPG Superstar.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, barkskin, bull's strength, darkvision, stoneskin; Cost 18,000 gp
Perfect presentation. Well done. That said, a long list of spells like this in the construction requirements is often an indicator of a Swiss-Army-Knife item. It just tries to do too much. One of the judges cited this as a Wizard-in-a-Can item, because it provides all the buffs you'd want your party wizard to give you before going into battle...i.e., bull's strength and either barkskin or stoneskin along with darkvision. Again, just not innovative enough for RPG Superstar.
Summary:
Pedestrian name (nothing earth-shattering here...get it? Heh.)
Not an innovative idea (just a bunch of SIAC effects within a SAK item)
Baseline mechanics (pretty much works exactly like the spells)
Decent writing (you followed the prior examples of how to phrase these kind of effects)
Perfect presentation (you've got the professional polish down pat)
Advice: As one judge said, the design seems tight on this one, but we've seen it all before and there just wasn't anyway this idea was going to beat out 32 other items. You need to work on your creativity factor. Don't just rely on spell effects and previously used mechanics from other wondrous items. An RPG Superstar candidate has to stand out...show us something new...intrigue us enough to want to see more ideas and designs from you. Sadly, that's not what we got here.
Neil, if you have time, I'd like a rundown of my item. I'm fairly sure where it fell short, but I'm curious what you made of it.There's really not a whole lot more to say about this one that the judges' comments didn't already convey, Cydeth. It's got a lot of Spell-in-a-Can effects. And, you've layered in enough of them that it tripped the Swiss-Army-Knife pitfall for you, too.
<snip>
Yup, almost exactly what I thought. Though part of the problem, which I realized far too late, was that I accidentally combined two of my items and tried to simplify them. Ah well, live and learn. Thank you very much for your comments.
And as for the name...I don't like it myself. Couldn't think of something I liked better, though.
Dedicated Voter Season 7
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Lots of pearls
Neil, thank you very much for your time. The detailed feedback is incredibly valuable. I'm kicking myself for what are essentially amateur mistakes, but that's the point of this competition, after all. The kind words regarding writing ability and creativity are much appreciated; it's nice to know that the gem is there, just needs to be polished a bit.
Count on seeing me next year.
Neil, if you happen to have any spare change remaining, could you please spend it on my item...Sure!
Summary:
Lousy name (not sure how the other judges felt, but I just didn't like it at all)
Decent idea (just think you went too far with it or didn't clarify everything as well as needed)
Shaky mechanics (this one raised more questions than it answered on the bleed effect and weapon property stacking)
Decent writing (wanted it to be clearer in some areas, but you generally write well)
Excellent presentation (aside from your item's variable weight, you've got the logistics down)
I wanted to try to clarify a point here, that I think is important, and potentially a source of confusion. (but please jump in if I'm wrong or if there is a better explanation)
This is in reference to the Throbbing Orb item. It is well written, but almost exactly half of the verbs in the text are in the passive voice. For example -
Moreover, each time bleed damage is taken by a creature in a 5-foot radius, a charge is added to the orb. When the maximum number of charges (20) is reached, the wounding property is lost.
Every one of the verbs in these sentences is in the passive voice (and there are more in other sentences). So why didn't it ring any alarm bells for passive writing or over-reliance on the passive voice?
I think one contributing factor is that even though the verbs are in the passive voice, they are pretty action-oriented (take, add, reach, lost - also held, activated, thrown, expend, discharge). This means that not much action is lost by using the passive voice (compared to the active in the rest of the paragraph, which has verbs like wield, take, feel, sprinkle, inflict, lose), and the flow of the paragraph is maintained. Also the phrase "can be thrown" is more direct than the alternative "could be thrown." So on the whole, the writing doesn't feel weak or limp.
So if you've been criticized for using passive voice or writing passively, take note - this may be a good example to compare your writing to.
I'm a little reluctant to do this one, Tarakin.
Thanks all the more for doing it, Neil. It helps a lot.
The advice you have given for my item is invaluable Neil. I feel confident about meeting the challenge next year and that I can avoid the pitfalls I fell into this year.
Brace yourself. I'm going to load both barrels on this critique, because exactly as you indicated, there's a great deal of mistakes in this one. That said, it should serve as a pretty thorough object lesson for anyone following along. I hope you've got some thick skin...
Neil, I appreciate the extremely thorough feedback and constructive criticism. You are correct sir, I was new to the messageboards and to Pathfinder (I have been working on it lol) when I submitted the item. I will take the advice and critique of the cursed Ever Seeking Compass to avoid those pitfalls in the future. It's nice to be able to see what mistakes you made and how to fix them.
Thank you for taking the time to critique it for me. I will put it to good use.
Submariner’s Refuge
Aura faint transmutation; CL 7th
Slot neck; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These medallions hang from short necklaces woven from dried kelp and carved from nacre recovered from island villages in the Steaming Sea. Traditionally pearl divers pass these sacred items down through generations to protect their children as they learn the lore of the sea during their passage into adulthood.
The wearer of one of these medallions can activate it once per day if he is completely submerged in at least 20ft of salt water. This creates a 20ft radius sphere of air or “air sphere” around him in which surrounding water is immediately ejected, for one full round.
Any creatures caught in this area may choose to resist ejection (CMB +15) to remain within; success means that unless they have the power of flight, they will immediately fall through the bottom of the “air sphere” and be re-submerged.
During this time the wearer of the medallion is covered in a thin film of water which holds him in the middle of the “air sphere”, though he may choose to breathe either water or air freely (if able). The wearer may control his movements as if he was still swimming, and may exit the sphere at any time.
Any creatures with the Water subtype caught in the area when the medallion is activated must make a Will save (DC 16) or be slowed for 1d4 rounds.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, control water; Cost 4,500 gp
Submariner’s Refuge
This name came off sounding more like a location than a wondrous item to me. It evoked imagery that didn't really crystallize for me in terms of a concrete object. So, it left me guessing as to what it might entail. That said, the inclusion of "submariner" in the name made me assume this would be an item dealing with water...or underwater situations...which could also be a bit niche in terms of applicability for most adventurers (i.e., it might be an item that wouldn't see a whole lot of use).
Aura faint transmutation; CL 7th
Slot neck; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Your presentation using the template is spot-on. So, good attention to detail right from the get-go. Your aura and caster level makes sense for an item based around the 4th level cleric/druid spell control water. The strength of the aura is borderline, though. I could see a case for moderate or faint. So no biggie there. There's no hard rule for it, but generally I imagine the faint/moderate/strong auras to correspond to spell level bands (i.e., 1st thru 3rd, 4th thru 6th, and 7th thru 9th). But that's just me...
Your slot of "neck" is appropriate for a medallion (though the name gave me no clue that that's what a submariner's refuge might be. Your weight of "1 lb." seems less appropriate, depending on how you interpret the medallion. For instance, is it a medallion or a necklace? Consulting the PRD, a medallion of thoughts has no weight, whereas a necklace of adaptation or a necklace of fireballs weighs 1 lb. Figure out which you want it to be and then copy the appropriate weight of pre-existing items. Even if you interpreted the submariner's refuge as a necklace rather than a medallion, the fact that it's constructed from dried kelp and nacre (which I would have rather seen you call mother-of-pearl), I get the sense it wouldn't weigh much at all. So, I'd probably still go with the medallion's weight.
I'll hold off on assessing price until we get further down into what this item does...
Description
These medallions hang from short necklaces woven from dried kelp and carved from nacre recovered from island villages in the Steaming Sea.
Cool. Short, simple, to-the-point description. You tell us what it is...and also drop in a short Golarion reference with the Steaming Sea. I'm not sure how many people would pick up on what "nacre" means, though. Mother-of-pearl is a bit more universal of a phrase to describe it.
Traditionally pearl divers pass these sacred items down through generations to protect their children as they learn the lore of the sea during their passage into adulthood.
So...pearl divers give their children a 9,000 gp wondrous item? Perhaps I'm misinterpreting your statement here, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. In addition, this kind of backstory for the item's "reason to be" isn't really useful or necessary. I'd have rather seen you skip this statement entirely and leave it open-ended as to who makes these things and why.
The wearer of one of these medallions can activate it once per day if he is completely submerged in at least 20ft of salt water. This creates a 20ft radius sphere of air or “air sphere” around him in which surrounding water is immediately ejected, for one full round.
Some stylistic concerns here. When including game terminology like "20ft" and "20ft radius sphere" in your writing, you need to make sure it matches the way such information is supposed to be conveyed. Look for examples in other items that already exist in the game. It should probably be "in at least 20 feet of water" and "20-ft.-radius"...
This is also the point where my suspicions begin to be confirmed that this is a very niche item. If you can only activate it while completely submerged in 20 feet of salt water, exactly how often do you expect that to happen in the adventuring careers of PCs? If you're running the quintessential seafaring and underwater campaign, then sure. But there aren't a lot of games out there like that. And, I think it's a poor choice to select this type of item as your RPG Superstar submission. Far better to go for an innovative item that's going to be useable by lots more PCs in lots more situations.
Any creatures caught in this area may choose to resist ejection (CMB +15 to force out), success indicates that they remain within the "air sphere" however unless they have the power of flight, they will immediately fall through the bottom of the sphere and be re-submerged.
This came off a little wonky in terms of its description. You start out implying any creatures in the area can resist ejection...but then, you totally undo it by saying the only ones that'll really resist it are those who have the power of flight...which, they'd presumably need to invoke really fast to prevent themselves from falling through. Who's going to be able to cast such a spell right away? Maybe if they have it as a swift action...but still...this seems kind of pointless. It reads more like just about everything and everyone will be forced out of the sphere.
In addition, what's preventing this air bubble from rising straight to the top of the ocean's surface? What happens when it does? Presumably, it would carry the necklace's wearer along with it unless they choose to exit the sphere. Regardless, this type of circumstance needs explaining one way or another.
During this time the wearer of the medallion is covered in a thin film of water which holds him in the middle of the “air sphere”, though he may choose to breathe either water or air freely (if able). The wearer may control his movements as if he was still swimming, and may exit the sphere at any time.
This starts to stretch credibility for me. First, a "thin film" of water doesn't seem like it would be sufficient for the wearer to continue breathing water. Likewise, if covered in such a "thin film" of water, how's he going to be able to breath air? Meanwhile, if he's not covered in this "thin film" of water, he'd presumably need to be flying to stay inside the sphere? How do you figure? The "air sphere" pushes all water out...so why doesn't it carry along the guy covered in the "thin film" of it? Likewise, the notion that the wearer can still swim around inside this bubble of air just makes no sense. Mechanically and descriptively I don't see how being covered in a "thin film" of water grants you the ability to move around in a medium of air as if you were swimming.
Next up, I'll mention that at least one of the judges got real tired of reading "air sphere" in quotes over and over again. About as tired as I got typing "thin film" over and over again when describing the sphere's effect and the ability of the necklace's wearer to move around in it and breathe effectively.
Lastly, if I've got my designer's hat on, I'm left wondering what's the purpose of tying this to the ocean? Why not make this item some kind of version of a resilient sphere and let it work on land just as easily? Why go so niche with it and force yourself to talk about the medium of air and water interacting from both a movement and breathing perspective? This just seems ill thought-out to me. It's like an underwater bead of force...only not as good.
Any creatures with the Water subtype caught in the area when the medallion is activated must make a Will save (DC 16) or be slowed for 1d4 rounds.
I've got my frowny face on as I read this statement. If a water creature is caught in the area, presumably, it'll be swept out of the "air sphere" pretty easily. Even if it tries to resist, I don't know of very many creatures with the water subtype that can also fly. So, this too seems ill-conceived in terms of your item's concept in relation to its abilities and constraints. Bottom line for me is it just isn't "wow" enough to scream Superstar in terms of the idea. And, the same goes for its design in terms of mechanics.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, control water; Cost 4,500 gp
You're good here. Perfect attention to formatting and use of the template. Price/cost ratio is accurate. If I'm assessing price on this item, I really don't have a good idea where to begin. This isn't simply control water-in-a-can...and that's a good thing. But 9,000 gp doesn't seem to do justice to what this item can manage. Mechanically, I'm not sold on how you've defined what it can do, much less the price for it.
Summary:
Inappropriate name (Not concrete enough, though thematically-appropriate)
Not an innovative idea (limiting yourself to underwater action in an ocean isn't a way to stand out)
Incomplete mechanics (it raises more questions about how it functions than it actually answers)
Decent writing (your actual words flow and read well...just not when you're trying to describe the mechanics)
Perfect presentation (you've got the professional polish down pat)
Advice: From a writing and presentation standpoint, you're pretty good. However, you need improvement in terms of your ideas and clearly explaining them in mechanical terms. Hand your next item write-up off to a random GM and ask him to figure out how it would work in an encounter. Do the same to a player. If they both come back to you with different explanations/understandings, you'll know you haven't been clear enough. If the two wind up arguing over their interpretations, you'll know you've created an item that'll cause headaches at the gaming table.
Submariner’s RefugeThis name came off sounding more like a location than a wondrous item to me. It evoked imagery that didn't really crystallize for me in terms of a concrete object. So, it left me guessing as to what it might entail. That said, the inclusion of "submariner" in the name made me assume this would be an item dealing with water...or underwater situations...which could also be a bit niche in terms of applicability for most adventurers (i.e., it might be an item that wouldn't see a whole lot of use).
Thanks Neil. My writing skills have always seemed to be better than the mechanical side of things, will keep it in mind for next time.
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka CalebTGordan
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I posted my item a long time ago, and saw the comments posted by the judges when they were judging it.
Would it be possible to have a more in depth critique or should I post about that somewhere else?
The item was the Shadow Master's Flute.
Would it be possible to have a more in depth critique or should I post about that somewhere else?
Yes, it's possible. And this is the right place to post. :-)
Shadow Master’s Flute
I like the name. It immediately conjures up the image of someone playing a flute and making the shadows dance and move according to their will like a pied-piper. It's an item name you could easily picture written down on your character sheet.
Aura moderate illusion; CL 7th
Slot -; Price 17920 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Your aura and caster level make sense for an item that relies on shadow conjuration in its construction and abilities. Slot and weight look right for a flute. Your price is missing a comma (should be 17,920 gp), but everything else here is presented well. You followed the template and made your item submission look as polished as possible.
Description
This small flute is made of polished black wood with small silver inlays that slowly move and flow over its surface.
Good lead-off description. You tell us what the item is and what it looks like. You also give the briefest of hints toward its powers by telling us the inlays "move and flow" over its surface...kind of like shadows passing over the keys.
This flute’s sound is haunting and seems to echo in the minds of the audience. Its main power is to make shadow and darkness difficult to pass through. With a standard action, up to six squares of mundane darkness or shadow can be enchanted to be difficult terrain. This requires both hands, and the effect lasts one minute.
You dipped into some passive voice here. How about, "The sound of this magic flute haunts and echoes in the minds of its audience. It also makes shadow and darkness difficult to pass through. With a standard action, anyone playing the flute can enchant up to six squares of mundane darkness or shadow into difficult terrain. This requires both hands, and the effect lasts one minute."
By trading out "is haunting" and "seems to echo" for active verbs like "haunts and echoes" it makes your writing stronger. Same thing goes for "is to make" vs. "makes"...as well as "can be enchanted" vs. "can enchant." So, look for ways to reword and structure your sentences so they avoid passive voice wherever you can.
Other than that, I like the idea of a flute that can conjure difficult terrain using shadow magic. Kind of innovative and fun.
Additionally, once per day a bard can use his bardic performance to activate another power. For as long as the bard performs the shadows become long tendrils that wrap around any who enter a square of enchanted shadow. Anyone in the effect’s area must make a DC 17 Reflex save. If the save fails, the creature gains the grappled condition, but can break free by making a combat maneuver check or Escape Artist check as a standard action against DC 17. All effected squares are considered difficult terrain. Six squares of shadow can be effected in this way.
This is where you started to go off the rails a bit. First, I'll note a stylistic concern. It's not something that held you back, just something you'd want to be aware of if you go on to write professionally. In your submission, you're putting two spaces after every period. That's not necessary. Just a single space will suffice. Many of us who were trained to always put two spaces after every period were told to do that, because old manual typewriters and dot-matrix printers weren't capable of interpreting and adjust fonts like today's word processors and laser printers are capable of doing. Basically, the proper spacing needed between sentences is already built into fonts these days. So, you don't need the double space after a period anymore at the end of a sentence.
Secondly, the effect that you're describing here is very much along the lines of a black tentacles spell...only you're doing a shadow conjuration version of it. So, you're treading very close to Spell-in-a-Can territory even though you didn't cite the black tentacles spell in your description.
Thirdly, you mention that anyone who gains the grappled condition after failing their Reflex save can still break free with a combat maneuver check or an Escape Artist check. You give us the DC for the Escape Artist check, but you didn't give us a CMD for the combat maneuver check. So, mechanically-speaking, you didn't tighten this up enough to make it useable.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, shadow conjuration; Cost 8960 gp
You slipped a little on your presentation here. The shadow conjuration spell needs to be italicized. And, you still need a comma for your cost (i.e., 8,960 gp). Everything else makes internal sense in terms of what you were going for with the shadow flute's effects.
Summary:
Good name
Potentially innovative idea (liked the difficult terrain conjuration, not as keen on the black tentacles duplication)
Incomplete mechanics (the missing CMD was a pretty big oversight)
Shaky writing (a little too much passive voice coming through in your descriptive text)
Decent presentation (just a couple of mis-steps in using the template)
Advice: Both of the judges who ultimately rejected this one agreed that it was a pretty good attempt. We liked certain aspects of the idea and the innovative/creative energy behind it. But, we agreed that mechanically-speaking, it wasn't all there yet. One of them basically said they would have kept it around if the mechanics had been better. And another suggested it was an item that could probably do well if revised and resubmitted. That doesn't mean it would have made the Top 32, but at least it would have made the Keep pile for further discussion and comparison. So, you're on the right track. Shore up the areas I cited above and keep bringing the same amount of creativity you applied to this item and you'll definitely improve.
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka CalebTGordan
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Thank you so much. I will continue to work on my writing, and I am grateful for the lessons learned.
Expect to see great things come from me in the future.
Neil, you are a true gentleman, sir. To continue to hang around this board and offer a one-man writing workshop is either very generous of you or starkly insane. Either way, that makes you my kind of people.
Was there further commentary available for my Bone Melter?
Neil, you are a true gentleman, sir. To continue to hang around this board and offer a one-man writing workshop is either very generous of you or starkly insane.
Probably both. Insanely generous isn't necessarily bad, right? ;-)
Bone Melter
Kind of an unusual name. If it truly melts bones, then I start to assume this must be a weapon of some kind. Or, maybe it's some kind of necromantic item that melts bones to give you some kind of additional power. Either way, it's not intrinsically clear what this item does based on the name alone. But, not all wondrous items do. And the same is true for Superstar items, as well. So, kind of wash on the name. Nothing super-awesome, but nothing that sinks it either.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot wrist; Price 4,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
An aura of moderate transmutation makes sense for baleful polymorph. But, given what this item does, I'm not entirely sure that's an appropriate spell. Instead, this item comes off feeling like it ought to be a necromantic item, primarily...with maybe an additional transmutation aura. I don't know. The baleful polymorph spell is meant to change you into a Small or smaller animal of no more than 1 HD. This thing incarcerates you into an amorphous ooze. As such, it seems more like a polymorph any object if you're going to go with a pure transmutation effect.
Next up, I'm not sure why you went with CL 10th when CL 9th also has access to baleful polymorph. There's nothing inherently wrong with going higher on CLs for wondrous items, though. So, this isn't a huge knock. It's only one level higher. So, no biggie.
The slot doesn't make sense to me. This isn't an item that the owner decides to wear. It's an item you inflict on someone by pinning them down (or having them willfully submit). And, once it's applied, it liquefies and merges into the victim's body...turning him into an amorphous mass that won't even have a wrist slot anymore.
The weight is fine. But, the price is too low for what this item lets you do. Imagine what would happen if a group of mid-level heroes pooled their money and bought not one, but many of these things. Then, they make sure one of the PCs is a major brawler/grappler. And, in every big bad evil guy fight, they position this guy so he can slap these cuffs on any humanoid creature. There's no save against its effect. As long as he can grapple the guy and get them on him, he's out of the fight. That's WAY too powerful for a mere 4,500 gp.
Description
These wrist cuffs melt the bones of a humanoid target creature. They are quite difficult to apply; the target creature must submit to having them put on or be grappled or rendered helpless. Once placed on the target’s wrist, the Bone Melter liquefies along with the bones of the wearer (and is consumed).
Again, it's not that difficult to apply these things to an opponent. If you handed this item to a min-max'er who went with a full-on grappling build, the bone melter would become a game changer...and not in a good way.
On a syntax level, you also failed to lowercase and italicize your own item name within the descriptive text.
And, on a gut reaction level, I didn't find this item even remotely appealing. It tripped my gross meter and not in a good way. Others might feel differently or not care as much. Rightly or wrongly, I just felt like it came off as gross for the sake of being gross in order to standout within the contest.
The subject loses the structural integrity necessary to perform any voluntary movement and his life processes are slowed such that any ongoing effect from disease, wounding, poison or the like is halted. Eating, drinking, and respiration are unnecessary in this form, though the subject’s natural lifespan is not extended.
Now, this was a nice touch in that you could see someone willingly putting these things on in order to stave off the effects of disease, wounding, or poison...but what exactly is "the like" supposed to mean. You can't leave an item open-ended like that. Don't write your game text in a way that leaves it open to interpretation by the GM and the players. That kind of thing starts arguments at game tables when one guy believes the bone melter's effects should apply in one situation, but the other guy doesn't.
The form is not natural to the creature and no extreme adaptations are made to accommodate the new form.
Really? So, in this new liquefied "ooze-form" the creature can't even squeeze through small openings? I'd think it would at least gain that kind of special ability. And, if so, you'd be crossing into Monster-Ability-in-a-Can territory. I think at least one of the judges viewed your item that way. You basically allowed someone to become an ooze for a few days if they wanted.
Every three days the creature must make a Fort save with a DC equal to the number of days spent in the amorphous form or die. The DC of this save can be reduced by half if another character takes an hour during that three day period to clean and maintain the target creature.
When you call out a saving throw in your descriptive text, it's best to spell it out...so, make it "Fortitude" rather than "Fort"...and give it a DC that's a bit more pertinent than something that's equal to the number of days spent in the amorphous form. I mean, let's say you're in it for the first three days. Is anyone worried about a DC 3 Fortitude save? No. How about six days later? Is a DC 6 troublesome for whoever bought this item at 4,500 gp? Probably not. Nine days at DC 9? Still unlikely. You'd pretty much have to be in this form for a really long time to be worried by it.
This state persists until the magic is removed (such as by a successful dispel magic).
Really? What happens if someone casts another polymorph-related spell on the ooze creature? Does break enchantment work? I assume so. Is this the only way you can end the effect? What's the DC of the caster level check to defeat the transformation? I think you could have been more clear here.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, baleful polymorph; Cost 2,250 gp
Your presentation was fine here. I'm still not sold on baleful polymorph as the explanation for the effect you're introducing with this item. But I can understand why you selected it. You wanted something that would debilitate the wearer as effectively as baleful polymorph. But just on a physics and biochemistry level, how would someone actually survive if all their bones were liquefied? Organs inside the body need a skeletal structure to support themselves. Otherwise, your lungs and heart become compressed by your own body weight. Though I understand the horrific effect you wanted to describe, I think you would have been on safer ground to just say it turned someone into an ooze and left it at that.
Summary:
Okay name (but nothing super-exciting)
Incomplete idea (not sure you thought this through enough, don't really see this one as Superstar)
Incomplete mechanics (quite a few questions left unanswered)
Okay writing (would have liked to see something more evocative)
Decent presentation (you followed the template fairly well, but slipped up on your item name in the description)
Advice: I think you need to go back to the drawing board and find a more compelling idea that you can articulate in very clear game terms. You also need to fully think through your ideas to properly assess their potential impact on the game. This item overreached in terms of its power level. It could open up whole new areas of abuse as players left a wake of quivering piles of goo behind them...one battle after another. These kind of items always get a cold reception from the judges. So make sure you think things through before you settle on the one idea you want to submit for the contest.
Bone Melter
Neil, THANK YOU. Seriously. I really, really appreciate the constructiveness of your feedback. It will be reflected in my next entry!
RPG Superstar gives a great opportunity to us, the fans, but it also gives an opportunity to you, the professionals, to be ambassadors. In particular, you and Clark really strongly give off the vibe that you want more of us contributing actively and well to the industry of the hobby, and I thank you for that feeling of welcome.
In particular, you and Clark really strongly give off the vibe that you want more of us contributing actively and well to the industry of the hobby, and I thank you for that feeling of welcome.
Of course, we do. It's the best way to ensure this hobby continues. And it's also good to just go under the hood and explore new designs for the game sometimes. Even if you don't go on to write professionally in the RPG industry, the whole exercise gets your brain firing on new creative ideas. And that can empower your own games just as easily as anything else.
In addition, I find myself more in the "older gamer" generation now. I've got three kids, all of whom aren't quite ready for RPGs yet. But someday they will be. And that's all the more reason to teach and workshop and share various design insights now. Plus, I'm a big believer in giving back. RPG Superstar opened up some really cool doors for me. And it can do the same for a lot of other would-be designers.
Just my two cents,
--Neil
Smokesting Fire-Geyser*...There's more flavor than crunch to this one. It's written fairly well. And, you can tell the designer is striving really hard to stand out. There are a lot of "cool effects" that they've injected into this thing. ...with an obscuring trail of smoke left behind...and a pillar of damaging flame at the end. ...
Hey Neil, I waited until some of the noise died down here, so if I missed you that is OK. If not I do not need an in-depth review but would appreciate the "summary" and "advice" bits you've offered. Also if you could expand the above bolded I would appreciate it. Or I will see you at PaizoCon :) Thanks!
Hey Neil, I waited until some of the noise died down here, so if I missed you that is OK.
Do you really think it's possible to miss me here? :-)
If not I do not need an in-depth review but would appreciate the "summary" and "advice" bits you've offered.
Everybody gets the deep dive. After all, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to overdo it. It's just in my nature.
Also if you could expand the above bolded I would appreciate it.
I'll see what I can do.
Smokesting Fire-Geyser
I didn't really care for the name all that much on this one. It hints more at what the item does than what it is...and, personally, I think that's a misstep when coming up for names for items. Tell us what it is with its name (in this case, a wasp) and then attach something else to the name that hints at what it might do (e.g., the smokesting wasp or firesting wasp).
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 10,800 gp; Weight –
Good use of the template and attention to detail. Right away, I can tell you've got the professional polish down. You also know what you're about. A moderate conjuration aura makes sense for an item built around dimension door and obscuring mist. The burning hands is an evocation effect, but a case could be made that this item is conjuring up fire in much the way an acid arrow conjures up acid. So, I'm okay with that.
Your caster level is appropriate for the spells involved in the construction requirements. Slot and weight make sense. I notice you gave an em-dash (--) for the slot and only a regular dash (-) for the weight, though. That's a pretty fine detail to pick out. But, in terms of editing, it's a correctable thing an editor would have to address.
Price is debatable. One of the judges quickly started comparing this item to a cape of mountebank (which lets you dimension door) and a broom of flying (which lets you fly around a battlefield). The former is around the same price as your item, but the latter is 50% less. So, although your item does a few things differently than the cape and broom, it caused us to slow down and look under the hood a bit more to determine if the price was adequate. Personally, I came away thinking it might be off a little. Your item only functions once per day, but it creates a damaging and obscuring effect even as it duplicates the abilities of the other two items. It's a potential gamechanger for a room full of weaker minions. So, maybe a little underpriced?
Description
This palm-sized, silver carving mimics a wasp with tiny waist, a long, sharp stinger and four wings. Bands of obsidian and fire opals form menacing black and red stripes along its body.
I like the descriptive text. In fact, I think that drew me in a lot more than the item's name. And I found myself thinking you should have incorporated the wasp into the name a bit more.
At this point, I'll also note that you're an old-school, double-spacer after each period in your sentences. I've covered it elsewhere in my feedback here in this thread, but that's unnecessary in today's age of automatic font adjustments. If you're going to write professionally (and specifically for Paizo), get in the habit of putting just one space after your periods.
Activating the smokesting fire-geyser causes the wasp to zip away, leaving a plume of smoke everywhere it flies. The smoke later bursts into a geyser of flame dragging the user along the smokesting’s trail.
You've referenced your item's name here in the descriptive text. As a magic item (no matter how newly minted), you should italicize it like any other magic item would be.
I also think this is kind of an unusual way to get into what your item does. You're wasting some words here in the sense that you're summarizing the item's effects in a couple of sentences. And, by excluding the game mechanics, you're able to just describe it in flavor text alone. Now, that said, the flavor text is interesting. It reads well. But I'd probably encourage you to find ways to dole out the description of what it does as you mechanically define it, too. In other words, weave your flavor and mechanics together rather than separating them from one another.
As a standard action, the user activates the smokesting and indicates a direction. The smokesting pricks the user, leaves its stinger behind, and flies in the indicated direction with a speed of 40 feet.
When I read this section, I immediately wondered what kind of effect the stinger might have on the user...i.e., would there be a drawback to using this thing? Apparently not...which was...kind of disappointing? I'm not looking for a cursed item or anything. But a small drawback of some kind...like a painful swelling that temporarily inflicted ability damage to the user's Dexterity might have been a nice touch.
A five foot wide plume of smoke connects the smokesting to the stinger and user, filling every square through which it passes.
First, it should be "five-foot-wide" rather than "five foot wide" when you type out a game term like that. And really, you should probably knock that down to just "5-ft.-wide" or something to that effect.
Secondly, when I read this part I was immediately like, "Whoa!"...and I started looking back to mentally calculate just how much smoke this flying wasp could generate if it moved at 40 feet per round. I started looking for how many rounds it could remain active or some other limitation. Eventually, you get into it a couple of sentences down. But that's information I kind of wanted more up front, just in terms of clarity of presentation.
The user may control the smokesting’s course with a move action, otherwise it continues in the last direction indicated. If the user also moves, the plume of smoke extends through his squares up to a maximum of 200 feet. Every creature in the smoke-plume gains concealment.
Oi...this could be a GM's nightmare to track all that movement and the smoke-filled squares on a battle mat. It certainly has the potential to be a unique, memorable wondrous item, though, just based on that one effect. It has a good "cool factor" going for it. That said, I think 200 feet of smoke trail might be a bit too much. That's enough to completely fill a 30' x 35' room...which can cover most dungeon rooms...which means most encounter areas. So, it might be overstretching a bit.
Upon command or at the end of four rounds the user is instantly carried to the smokesting’s current location, igniting the smoke plume into a geyser of flame.
At 40 feet per round and just 4 rounds, the wasp would never be able to use up all 200 feet of the smoke trail. So, to reach the maximum, the user would have to move away from it even as it's moving. So, the math gets a bit more complicated as you think it through. It's certainly do-able. Just an observation.
Maybe this isn't quite the best way to describe its effects? If you'd just let this thing move 30 feet per round for up to 4 rounds, that would give you 120 feet of movement. Maybe make it so the user's movement doesn't contribute to anymore smoke...so that way, he can duck inside the trail for cover or just run away from those who have their vision obscured without the trail continuing along with him. I think that would be a cleaner choice, both in terms of how it works and in terms of the words necessary to describe it.
I also think it would be more useful if the owner had the option to be pulled along with the wasp or simply recall it back to him. That way, he's not tied to it and inexorably pulled with it. The movement option is availble to him if he needs to cross a chasm or something. But, he also has the means to lay down a smokescreen as he runs and bring the wasp back to him without either losing it or having it pull him straight back into an encounter that turned bad. Look for ways like this to expand the options and possibilities for what an item can do. That'll help it become more unique...as well as more coveted. And, an item that can do that, certainly stands a better chance of attracting the eyes of the judges for consideration in the Top 32. Just don't go overboard with it, though. If you overreach, that can kill your item dead even as it attracts the judges' attention.
Anyone caught in the fire-geyser takes 1d6 fire damage. The plume of smoke dissipates one round later.
I was kind of disappointed by this at first. A simple 1d6 fire damage isn't going to be all that big a deal for an item that costs over 10,000 gp. Creatures the PCs will be facing by the time they can afford an item this expensive would probably shrug off that 1d6 damage pretty easily. However, you do have the added assumption that everything on the entire battle mat where this smoke trail gets laid takes the burn damage. So, it's a no-save area effect, apparently. And, in larger encounters, that could be seen as useful.
I was also left wondering if the user himself took fire damage once the geyser of fire reached him? I'm assuming he would. But this is open to interpretation a bit and could cause arguments at the gaming table between player and GM.
A smokesting fire-geyser functions once per day.
This is a decent limitation for your item. Again, however, you need to italicize the item name in your text.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, dimension door, obscuring mist; Cost 5,400 gp
Everything is presented well here. However, I'll make one recommendation. I think you should have gone with scorching ray and telekinesis over the burning hands and dimension door effects. That way, you could make it so the scorching ray follows the path of the smoke trail and it's the telekinesis that carries along the user. I think that works better because a spell like dimension door doesn't physically move someone over a designated path. You literally leap from one point to another by crossing dimensions. And, that's not how I envisioned this stinger/smoke-trail combination working. Also, if you have the user physically move over that same path, it might be interesting if that made him vulnerable to attacks of opportunity from any enemies he might pass along the way. Just something to think about...
Summary:
Weak name (didn't really "spark" my interest as much as your actual descriptive text)
Creative idea (good, but not quite thought through fully enough for my tastes)
Overreaching mechanics (could have used some toning down and tightening up, especially in terms of presenting the effects with clarity)
Okay writing (you generally write well)
Polished presentation (very well done here, except for italicizing your item name in the text)
Advice: I think you brought some serious creativity in terms of your item concept. It just needed some rough edges polished out a bit, especially in terms of thinking through the mechanics and presenting them as clearly as possible. Don't overcomplicate it. Keep the effects simple and easy to work out in actual game play. This particular idea had some promise to it, just not enough to fully distinguish it from some similar items players might be more tempted to pick up instead of your smokesting wasp. Find something just a bit more compelling and unique, present the mechanics as clearly and uncomplicated as possible, and keep up the good writing and polished presentation.
That's essentially what I meant when I said...
*...There's more flavor than crunch to this one. It's written fairly well. And, you can tell the designer is striving really hard to stand out. There are a lot of "cool effects" that they've injected into this thing. ...with an obscuring trail of smoke left behind...and a pillar of damaging flame at the end....
Basically, you had all these cool effects in mind (i.e., obscuring smoke trail, flash-fire travel). That's where you were striving to stand out for the purposes of catching the eyes of the judges. The flavor was good, both in concept and somewhat in presentation. The crunch was the part that didn't come across as clearly or as thought through as the judges would have liked to see. You had all the pieces in there. They just weren't connected tightly enough or as fully explored as they could have been. And the item still needed something to help separate it from stuff like the cape of the mountebank (i.e. a damaging/obscuring smoke trail wasn't quite enough as compared to the primary use of the item...that is, moving from point A to point B).
Hope that helps,
--Neil