RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Seeds of the Spirit Totem
Aura strong conjuration(calling); CL 9th
Slot --; Price 6,750 gp; Weight -- lbs.
Description
These three aged and preserved oak acorns imbued by stone giant worshipers of Fandarra with the essences of animal spirits are held in a small pouch made of the hide of a dire boar. When placed in the mouth of a recently slain being, the spirit of the animal within a seed is released into the corpse of the being, and the corporeal form of that beast is called to play host to the soul of the deceased. The animal spirit enters the body, maintaining it from decay, preserving it for 30 days, while the animal form provides the soul, previously severed from its body, a means of interacting with the physical world.
As a full-round ritual, an acorn is placed into the mouth of a willing, deceased, intelligent creature, destroying the seed in the process. This calls an animal form adjacent to the corpse and the essence of the animal preserves the corpse, providing the benefits of a gentle repose for one month. The deceased's soul transfers into the animal form, allowing the intelligent creature the ability to use that form as a temporary home for 24 hours. The form is, in all ways, an animal with the statistics of a creature from the summon nature's ally V list, with the exception of an intelligence, and wisdom score equal to that of the deceased creature. This effect conveys no special abilities to communicate, nor does it affect the ability of the soul to be raised, stolen, destroyed or otherwise manipulated. After the duration expires, the body dissolves and creature's soul is freed to continue on to its natural course.
Construction
Requirements summon natures ally V, reincarnate; Cost 3,375 gp
So...this is kind of like a "magic jar acorn" for animal spirits...which you can then transfer to another deceased animal's body? I'm confused. Is this a situation that comes up frequently enough in games that such an item is needed?
Not really an innovative or interesting concept to me.
Mechanically suspect. I'm not really sure what this thing accomplishes.
Writing is weak in some areas.
Missing Craft Wondrous Item from the construction requirements.
And pretty difficult to calculate a price, considering you don't know what animals/HD are involved in the process.
Vote to Reject.
I LOVE this item.
Who gets killed easy? The wizard. Why does that suck? Because the whole adventure grinds to a halt while the party deals with it. What does this item do? Put the Wizard (with INT and WIS) into a new body for a day so everyone can keep right on exploring.
This item fixes the metagame problem, and does it in a great in-game way. 24 hours means the Cleric can prepare Ressurection, or the party can finish up what it's doing with the assistance of the Wizard (no spells, but all the character knowledge).
Plus it lets the Wizards' player do some fun stuff for a while. Playing an intelligent animal can be a hoot.
Keep.
Ohhhhhh! Now I see what this is meant to do. It's a way of preserving a fallen comrade's body with a gentle repose-like effect until you can haul them back to town and pay for a raise dead, resurrection, reincarnate, etc. Meanwhile, the acorn produces an animal "body" which your fallen comrade's soul can possess...similar to magic jar? I really think magic jar ought to be a part of the construction requirements for this one...not reincarnate. But I get it now. The PC gets to then participate with the rest of the group for the next 24 hours without the player having to sit there and tell his fellow players to hurry and take his body back to the local temple.
Innovative indeed.
Mechanically, I'm still a little lost though about the animal form. I think it would work better if the acorn summoned a specific choice of animals from the summon nature's ally list or something. But, maybe it's okay? I mean, as long as you keep the available animals open, it makes the item relevant even in higher levels as you can keep selecting more and more powerful animals to let them inhabit.
The more I think on this I like it. Kudos to Ryan for helping me understand the darn thing.
I'm changing my vote to Keep.
Director of Brand Strategy
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This is overly complicated and wordy, which could explain your initial misunderstanding, Neil. It's certainly a fun and innovative idea, but I think it could explain what it does and how much more concisely. I got a chuckle out of the clarification that the acorn is from an oak, as that's what acorns are: oak nuts.
Style and execution aside, it's not a bad item, either mechanically or thematically. I say keep, even if I'd take an item that was both innovative and not quite so confusingly described over this if it comes down to the wire.
Keep.
The writing is really vague in this item. Like Neil, I had no idea what this item did until I read it a couple of times. It really needs to say up front, "This preserves a corpse and gives the soul of the dead person an animal body to live in for a day."
I don't know why the new body uses the dead person's Int and Wis but not their Cha.
I don't know if the listed cost is for three acorns or for one.
The idea is neat, but the problems in its writing push me to say...
Weak reject.
Well, this one made it in...but the designer is really going to have to turn things up a notch. The core idea and innovation behind this thing won the day. But mechanics and clear presentation via the writing aren't where we'd all like them to be. The next round is going to be key if you want to reverse this impression for the voters.
That said, welcome to the Top 32 of RPG Superstar 2011, my friend. Now make the most of it.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16, 2010 Top 4
aka Alexander MacLeod
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This is difficult to wrap one's brain around, with all the tangled use of soul, form, spirit, corpse, person, and animal. And why mention right off that there are three acorns? As soon as you use one there aren't three anymore, and as Sean mentioned, is the cost for one or three?
The attempt at at a Golarion connection is a bit weak, too. Specific race, specific minor deity mentioned in the description, but not seen in the requirements... Can PCs make and use these or no?
Boiling the description of this item down to the very basics would probably go a great deal of the way towards making it a winner.
This is a good item in spite of how hard the first paragraph is to read. You really need to get other people to proofread your work. It helps a lot, especially if you get a variety of people: gamers, non-gamers, gamers who optimizers, people who game but don’t play d20/Pathfinder etc etc. I like the idea that this is a temporary reincarnate until you actually get raised. At least you can be the one lugging your own corpse around. :-) The Golarion fluff is ok, readable and nicely interspaced with the item’s physical description. Fandarra isn’t a bad fit for a god, she has birth and death in her portfolio, and she has Plant and Death as domains (but not Animal). That is all good, but she is a quite specific minor god of stone giants, you might have used a more popular god or religion, like the Green Faith, or said that the seeds originated with her but are now in wider use? I’m quibbling here, I’ll stop now.
You used almost all your word count; I think that this could have probably been written in about 200 words. The idea is good, the formatting is good, and the game mechanics are good.
Welcome to the ranks of RPG Superstar! You can probably guess what my advice is going to be: clarify and tighten up your writing. Best of luck!
Neat idea, fairly solid mechanics (but that doesn’t include template execution and the prerequisites, both of which need some work).
This one didn’t confuse me, but you’re repeating yourself. The first paragraph describes what it does. The second paragraph explains it again, only with game mechanics. You only need to go through it once, and with the word count you’ll save, you can make it clearer and more concise.
I don’t think you abused the Golarion flavor, but here’s the deal. I can see Stone Giant worshippers of Fandarra making this item(s), but I don’t see it as exclusive to them either. That being said the description gives the impression that they are the only source of these items. I think you could have made this game setting neutral and not hurt your entry in the slightest. Maybe you would have saved a few words too.
I’d like to know about the one acorn versus three acorn thing too. Is this a multiple charge item with three uses?
Take the advice from the other judges and tighten up your concept. Recruiting a ‘Pit Crew’ to help you proofread and edit your item would be a great idea as well. Doing that will sow the seeds of success in future rounds! Good luck!
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Reading the judges commentary helped explain a "why" for this item that eluded me on first reading.
I'm troubled by the somewhat convoluted writing, and by the text that should just describe the item being repeated (in another form) in the item mechanics. In general, it's best to try and keep items tightly written, so if two sentences say the same thing, cut one out.
As far as stone giants go, I have to admit I didn't see them as likely to create a "brother bear" item, but reading up on the goddess in question, maybe so. It's more innovative than obvious choices like the Shoanti. Region-wise, I'm thinking this item might have been a good fit for Ustilav instead.
I'm expecting a ramp up in the archetype round now that you're in the big game :) Good luck.
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 8
aka Sect
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I didn't really understand this item until I read Mr. Dancey's comments. Now that I have an idea of what it did, it's kind of latching onto me. The huge problem is being less wordy and more clear with your writing. It's an item that I would consider having in my home game, just for the lulz factor.
At first I thought there were two different effects that the acorns did: one in the first paragraph and the other in the second.
Does the deceased spirit in the animal form know who it is and that it's in an animal form? Maybe it should be obvious that it does.
I do like the effect though. I can see reading something like this in a novel.
I was also very confused... I kept hoping it would click the further I read into it, but it didn`t really (until clarification by the judges).
I think the problem is the first paragraph sets up this: acorn/recentlyslainbeing/animalspirit/recntlyslaincorpse scenario, but the `object` of the acorn`s effect isn`t immediately clear. It never really clearly says `the soul of a recently slain being` is what is the direct target of it`s usage, that is only obliquely implied by the conditions of it`s use (placing in the mouth of recently slain being), and then the rather passive/reverse phrasing of `the corporeal form of that beast is called to play host to the soul of the deceased... while the animal form provides the soul, previously severed from its body, a means of interacting with the physical world`.
I think it would have been quite do-able to just cut straight to the gist, and say the item is all about putting the soul of a recently slain being into a conjured animal body. One detail that`s important: what is a `recently slain being´? 1 round? 1 hour? 10 years?
Since the target`s body is now linked to an animal soul, is there some way for the body to be re-animated/healed/etc only now with an animal inhabiting it? Also, the words `As a full-round ritual` seem a bit off - As a full-round action seems more appropriate, `ritual` can be thrown in somewhere but `full-round action` is what you really mean so don`t mix it up too much.
In general, I think focusing on clarity in writing is your #1 task for next and future rounds. Most sentences should ideally have ONE subject and object, yet you mixed it up with the acorn affecting the animal spirit, which then affects the target body`s soul, etc... Keep it simple, 14 year olds should be able to understand this.
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Thanks for all the advice folks. I agree the idea was complicated and I was just having a heck of a time getting the idea out on paper. I'm glad someone was able to muddle through it and see the concept I was working toward. I think with another pass at this after hearing everyone's take I could clean it up nice, but archetype deadlines loom. :)
Thanks again, especially to Ryan, who saw the diamond in the rough.
K. Patrick, I absolutely LOVE where you're going with this one.
That's the good news. The bad news is, had I been a judge, it would have got a reject because the problems in clarity. I instantly noted what Jim said (you repeat yourself), which is an absolute no-no when writing to a word count limit.
Other than that, I agree with most of the questions others have brought up. "What is a recently slain body?" being the foremost. Be clear and give a time limit on how long a body can be dead before the acorn won't work on it. I'd also like to know how the animal spirit comes to inhabit the acorn in first place- I'd think it'd have to be willing. I do like the idea of the wizard in a pony carrying his own dead body back home! I also like the variation in durations- the animal body only lasts one day, but the gentle repose lasts a month. Good work on not overpowering the first effect!
Congratulations on making the 32!
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I think a lot of people are going to like this item once they've read Ryan's explanation but it is such a neat idea I'm glad it got through.
I think the oddest thing was the line: "As a full-round ritual..."
The pattern recognition in my brain was already completing the words 'full-round action' and then this other game mechanic I've never heard of comes in! I think it's a problem of mixing the fluff (a ritual) with the crunch (full-round action).
Pondering it more, 'ritual' implies that a character cannot simply place the acorn in his friends mouth. It suggest he has to do it in the right way, while saying the right words.
Half as many words would make this item twice as easy to understand.
i.e.
"...[T]he corporeal form of that beast is called to play host to the soul of the deceased."
Could be: "The dead characters soul enters the animal's body."
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4
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Star Voter Season 6
aka raidou
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Patrick, welcome aboard and congratulations! This item is definitely here because of its potential. With some tinkering, this item can really bring fun to the table. Characters die and their players often sit around, bored, for extended periods. So thinking of ways to solve that displays that you are directing your efforts toward a valid problem.
But where the fun really begins is that for some amount of time, your character is a dog. Or a pig, monkey, or rooster. Animals are funny, and while in animal form you can't communicate very effectively. There's opportunities for incredibly entertaining shenanigans here. So you turn an unfortunate event into a good time.
Now that said, the writing and mechanics here are pretty impenetrable. Solve that problem for next round, and you'll go far in this competition. Best of luck in future rounds!
This is a really interesting idea. "Hey, we won't be back to the city for a bit, so till we can get back to the temple there and have you raised, you're a stoat."
Nice flavor, well designed item. :)
Seeds of the Spirit Totem
+1 on the observations about the writing style. I had to re-read this several times to understand it, but once I did, I really liked it. Good work!
Let me start out by saying that once I got through the muddled text, I love this item. A few issues though
1. All mental stats should be kept by the original. Why did you explicitly leave out Charisma?
2. I find the cost a bit steep. A permanent resurection/reincarnate scroll is 1700 gp. Tack on an extra 2K to remove the negative levels. Why would I ever pay over 6k for this? Sure, it can be used by anyone, effectively doubling the cost, but it only lasts 1 day. I think arround 2K is a reasonable price for this item, but think you wont see it used much even at that price.
3. I would like to see the animal scale with the users so it retain usefulness.
Personally, I see 2 good ways of doing it.
Cost it by the animal it summons. Specify the animal at creation, and cost it based off of the animal. Something like 1000 + 100/HD of the animal (or level of summon nature's ally. This would alow the players to scale the item to their choice of level.
Alternatively, have the cost static and the animal chosen based off of the person's level. The player may choose an animal with HD equal to or lower than their level.
Question: Do you get three uses of it before the item is consumed. The first line mentions three acorns, but every other reference is singular.
Concurring with what the judges and most posters have said. There are issues, but what you're doing here is a really fantastic idea. The end goal of ANYTHING in game design is to make the game more fun, and no one can fault you there.
Items that somewhat deal with the issue of dead allies have been around in Rpg-Superstar for a while, but your item is a really fresh and different take on it. I like it :)
But reading through your item felt kinda weird. Halfway through it felt as if the item was finished, albeit somewhat short on the rules description side. And the second half was basically the same description again, only this time heavy on the rules terms and stating all the things I implicitly thought when reading the first part. I would suggest that you try to interweave the flair description of your effects with their rules descriptions, that would have avoided a lot of confusion.
Nevertheless it is a really good item, that suffers just a bit by its presentation. If you manage to clean up your writing you surely could make it far in this contest, and an Archetype is a good way to practice/ show this, so I look forward for your Round 2 entry.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6
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Ok, after an ok nights' sleep, I'm back to comment on the rest...
Hmm, not sure about the rather obscure niche. If you're going to focus in on the item you should either a) put it in the requirements (must be worshiper of X) or b) not tie it so tightly to that niche (most commonly found with followers of X, Y item is...) Not an auto-fail, but it's something to watch with your archtype. The Charisma thing is noted as well (I see other things mentioned it)
As a GM who had a player running 'round in a Wolverine body due to 3.x reincarnate, I do like the challenges of the item.
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I'm a little worried that I'm coming across too critically in some of my comments, so I'm going to leave this one mostly alone.
With that said, it's telling that one of the judges didn't even understand what the item did until another judge cleared it up for him. I think that alone speaks volumes about this particular item.
You've said you believe you could do better with another pass on it, and I'm sure that's true. I look forward to seeing what you put forward as an archetype! Congrats on making the top 32!
Congratulations K. Patrick!
Strength (Overall): 12
Dexterity (see time in my campaign): 18
Constitution (long-time keeper): 14
Intelligence (mechanics): 10
Wisdom (writing craft): 10
Charisma (flavor/visuals): 12
I like this niche it is awsome. A number of times he have a dead character's player play the familiar or the summoned creatures until the party can bet back to town. For that reason it will see time in my campaign. :) The writing was sub par as the confusion with the mechanics bespeaks. I also think too much back story, but that is my opinion. Can any deceased creature be willing? (Oh you meant their soul...) Again I like the animal carrier aspect and resurrection is a unique choice for the abilities. It is the right choice for both. Nice job. :)
Again, congratulations! :)
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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I like this idea. You get the fun of being an animal but only for 24 hours and then your character may be able to be brought back to life. Gives the player of the dead character something to do without having to make up a whole new character right way. Very useful.
Congratulations on making the top 32!
I gotta say, I love this item. You hit upon a great idea that really helps smooth over one of the roughest parts of a game - PC death. Your item is not just cool, it makes playing the game better.
If only I didn't have to read it three times before I got what it does. Luckily, that's an easy thing to fix.
Great Item!
It's already been said in the other comments, so let me just add one request. When the contest is all over, please patch this up the best you can so I can add it to my campaign. Thanks!
I like the idea; I can see this item (at its core) being used in many games. I have some questions, though.
This specific sentence confuses me the most: "...After the duration expires, the body dissolves and creature's soul is freed to continue on to its natural course." Which duration? Which body? Which soul? With the two durations in the description but separated by a full paragraph, this sentence dangles all by its one-sy.
Congratulations. :)
Seeds of the Spirit Totem
Aura strong conjuration(calling); CL 9th
Slot --; Price 6,750 gp; Weight -- lbs.
Description
These three aged and preserved oak acorns imbued by stone giant worshipers of Fandarra with the essences of animal spirits are held in a small pouch made of the hide of a dire boar. When placed in the mouth of a recently slain being, the spirit of the animal within a seed is released into the corpse of the being, and the corporeal form of that beast is called to play host to the soul of the deceased. The animal spirit enters the body, maintaining it from decay, preserving it for 30 days, while the animal form provides the soul, previously severed from its body, a means of interacting with the physical world.As a full-round ritual, an acorn is placed into the mouth of a willing, deceased, intelligent creature, destroying the seed in the process. This calls an animal form adjacent to the corpse and the essence of the animal preserves the corpse, providing the benefits of a gentle repose for one month. The deceased's soul transfers into the animal form, allowing the intelligent creature the ability to use that form as a temporary home for 24 hours. The form is, in all ways, an animal with the statistics of a creature from the summon nature's ally V list, with the exception of an intelligence, and wisdom score equal to that of the deceased creature. This effect conveys no special abilities to communicate, nor does it affect the ability of the soul to be raised, stolen, destroyed or otherwise manipulated. After the duration expires, the body dissolves and creature's soul is freed to continue on to its natural course.
Construction
Requirements summon natures ally V, reincarnate; Cost 3,375 gp
Ask A RPGSuperstar Succubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus – fairness is an adjective applicable to hair coloration, balance is what a couple of mortals on opposite ends of a plank pivoted on a rocky spire above a drop of several hundred feet into a pool of molten basalt frantically try to do, and logic is something which proves anything a demon of adequate status and charm requires it to demonstrate.
Is the item Pretty?
No. They're acorns.
Does the item help a demonic seductress to keep a paladin house pet?
On bad days short-term thinking succubi might make the error of thinking that yes, it does, but there is that whole 'must be willing to return' usual to reincarnations that the item comes with, plus in the event that it does work it's only temporary meaning more expense down the line...
Is the item otherwise useful?
It's very limited in application if it is...
Other Comments? (including World Domination potential on the evil laughter scale, where appropriate)
The whole reincarnation/dead-raising business doesn't work too well on succubi (or most other outer-planar servants/allies) so any item to do with returning creatures from Pharasma's courts is generally only useful with regard to prized pet paladins and to valued allies or useful but unwitting dupes of a mortal nature. In any case this sort of item provides only a temporary solution to any problems encountered at best. Some of these acorns might be a useful item to provide as a 'comfort quilt' for a band of mortal mercenaries about to embark on a mission on a succubus' behalf - although for Orcus' sake, if any succubus does do that then MAKE SURE YOU EXPLAIN TO THEM EXACTLY AND CLEARLY, IN WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE, WHAT THE ITEMS DO. Draw pictures if you absolutely have to do so. Otherwise if they use the items they'll think you played a bait and switch on them, or tried to double-cross them: 'We put one of those acorns under Merisiel's tongue like you said, and nothing happened for a moment, but then her body jerked, and the next moment this huge slimy frog appeared next to us and started hopping around, making sinister gestures and croaking madly...'
When one of their companions gets unexpectedly reincarnated as 'some monster' and swords get drawn it only goes downhill from there. Believe me, I was six months cleaning the blood out of my angel-hair rug the first (and last) time I sent adventurers off with these items but didn't explain how they worked properly. Some mortals are prepared to see anything as a sign of bad faith, even when it's their own actions that have made things so bad.
Gollum Rating:
Fisssh.
Man this was tough to figure out. That said, I'm very fond of this item. I'm not sure how useful it might be but the concept is fun and I'm sure any player would rather run around as an animal for a while than have the game grind to a halt. The party better have speak with animals prepared though. Also, is this a polymorph effect? Can I cast animal growth on the recently slain fighter while he's in an animal body?
Is the item Pretty?
No. They're acorns.I didn't know demons didn't like acorns. Is it an allergy or a general hatred? Would a silver acorn been more to your liking?
…six months cleaning the blood out of my angel-hair rug…
Next time try a little universal solvent and generous application of prestidigitation. That should get just about anything right out.
What a fun and creepy way to preserve a fallen comrade's body! At least that's my initial impression. I do like this item - a lot actually.
I can see it being used in an elf or druid-focused campaign. Maybe a primitive tribe uses these acorns all the time as a rite of passage for their dead. That would make for an interesting sub-plot.
I wish the duration lasted a little longer? Still, excellent work here! I'm looking forward to your archetype.
This is a cool thing. And playing an animal is fun, but gets old after about a day, so I never do it. And now I can. I'm unsure as to who chooses the animal form though, is it pre-determined, or does the player choose at time of use? If so which player chooses?
Now I want to play a character, buy this, give it to someone else and then get myself killed. Of course with my luck they'll refuse to use it, or find some way to turn me into a naked mole rat or something.
Is the item Pretty?
No. They're acorns.
I didn't know demons didn't like acorns. Is it an allergy or a general hatred? Would a silver acorn been more to your liking?
Some demons are allergic to acorns. (The Abyss is pretty darn close to infinite, after all, and there a lot of demons in it...)
However I happen to think that plain 'fallen off a tree' acorns are just boring.And of course a silver acorn would be an improvement. It would have involved craftsmanship. And be shiny. And reflective.
…six months cleaning the blood out of my angel-hair rug…
Next time try a little universal solvent and generous application of prestidigitation. That should get just about anything right out.
The trouble is that universal solvent also removes the dyes which give the rug an exquisite pattern, pleasing to the eyes.