88)Keep all your dice in your mouth, spitting 'em out when you need to roll. (A kid I knew in high school did this.)
89) Convince everyone in the party that whenever a decision needs to be made, you sit around and stare at each other for at least 5 minutes
90) Whip out the laptop and show people videos from youtube
91) Ask extremely personal RL questions of anyone at the table and explain "this is the only time I get to see them."
92) Talk during flavor text
93) Bring a bag of cheetos and insist on touching everything
94) Start a poke war with other players (had one that still rages today after a year and a half)
95) Get fixed dice
96) Everytime you roll a die, pick it up immediately and squint at it as if your eyes were bad, and then set it back down on a more suitable number and claim that was what you rolled
97) Pick the DM's least favorite class, and insist on playing it saying you are trying to redeem the class in his eyes, and then do everything about the class that he hates.
98) Argue the rules with him during the game
99) Bring actual musical instruments to play with as a bard and have no idea how to play them.
100) LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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101) Take any feat you want, regardless of feat pre-requisites, stat requirements, level requirements, etc. Completely and utterly mis-interpret feats in order to give yourself a mechanical advantage. "Recalculate" your AC, saves, to hit, damage, etc. whenever you miss a roll so that you, in fact, made the roll. Be a condescending jackass and a rules lawyer (and magically know all the RAW when it applies to other players).
102) Play a neutral or evil cleric of a evil god and use your undead minons as trap finders.
103) use the corpse of the BBEG as your newest undead minon.
104) come up with a plausable solution to the DM's latest hook and still keep your undead minon safe.
105) take profane life leech and kill all the DM mooks in one shot.
106) Cast spells with the Good descriptor, summon celestial and angelic creatures, show mercy to enemies and charity to those less fortunate, and keep your undead minions in a portable hole untill needed.
102) Play a neutral or evil cleric of a evil god and use your undead minons as trap finders.
103) use the corpse of the BBEG as your newest undead minon.
104) come up with a plausable solution to the DM's latest hook and still keep your undead minon safe.
105) take profane life leech and kill all the DM mooks in one shot.
106) Cast spells with the Good descriptor, summon celestial and angelic creatures, show mercy to enemies and charity to those less fortunate, and keep your undead minions in a portable hole untill needed.
Dood, are you SURE we've never played together before? Cuz you're describing a Tim game, plain and simple.
101) Take any feat you want, regardless of feat pre-requisites, stat requirements, level requirements, etc...
107.)(extension of 101) Pick any race template you want, regardless of Level Adjustment. Half-Dragon/Fiend/Celestial? Sure, go for it.
When the DM(and other players) ask, just shrug your shoulders and say:
"what's a level adjustment?"
I've actually seen this happen. From a long time player. Said player was known to cheat quite a bit too... Yeah, we don't play with him anymore.
108) build dice forts and knock them over whenever the DM rolls his dice.
109) Play WoW on your laptop during the game.
110) Constantly text or answer the phone during games using loud complicated text/ringer sounds.
111) Kill important NPCs upon meeting them just because you thought you could get away with it regardless of what important parts that pc might have had to play.
112) PSP
113. Insist on roleplaying your characters life from birth onward before the intro.
114. Make a female character and speak in a low gruff voice. Alternately, make a male character and speak in a high flighty voice.
115. Play a pacifist.
116. Play a bard and write an actual song about the adventure and insist on giving him a recording of you singing it in the bathroom cause it has the best acoustics.
117. Hit on the tavern wenches and insist your same sex hetrosexual DM roleplay it out...seen dont care too again.
118. Murder every townsfolk, quest giver, informant and otherwise usefull NPC before the party can speak to them.
119. Continually insist on there being a special reason that thier character would go on the adventure...
120. Make up a hideously overpowered feat. When the DM asks about it, proceed to hold up the game by lookong through every sourcebook at the table, swearing that 'Its in here somewhere'.
121. Pick an over powered feat. Then ask the DM for an even more broken feat so that yours will seem reasonable in comparison.
122. Write your character's genealogy back about 7 generations, linking in worlds and systems your GM doesn't know about or enjoy.
[guilty]
41) Mock the DM's made-up names.
123. Mock the names of BBEGs (even from APs), comparing them to real things such as muppets or pastries. (ex: Rolth = Rowlf, Cinnabar = Cinnabuns or Snackbar, etc.)
124. Ask for EVERY creature you encounter "Is it undead?", even if the player before you just asked and was told no, for the SAME creature. To amplify the annoyance, when doing so, be sure Undead is NOT your Favored Enemy and only if you DO NOT have an Undead Bane weapon. (This should work for any species.)
125. Discuss the drama on Paizo's forums during game, particularly someone's latest opinions on what's BROKEN.
126. Devise an intricate method of buying & selling treasure which no one else understands, but yourself and somehow or another equates to 65 percent.
127. When asked to roll anything that NORMALLY involves rolling a D20, instead roll a D6 + D10 and pull completely random numbers out of the air despite possibly rolling the EXACT same thing. If challenged, you claim it's OLD SCHOOL and how you've done it since BASIC EDITION, never truly explaining how you're formulating the results. (Thank you, Gen Con '08!)
128. Bring snacks you know your DM loves, but is unable to eat without causing some sort of medical condition... Lactose intolerance, Acid reflux, etc. (Hey, I can't help it if EVERYONE loves the Bacon-Cheddar-Ranch dip, I don't force people to eat it, LOL!)
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129. Use Acrobatics to jump instead of moving normally, insist on a roll for each step.
130. When playing a monk, attempt to beat real World Records for long-jumps, the mile run, etc., using game mechanics and haste spells. Call the world-record holders "weaklings" when you win.
131. Correct all NPCs when they address you by insisting they start your name with "Your Royal Highness." Tell them it's in your character background. Change your title if they get it right.
132. Fart at the table and roll a Bluff check to convince the DM it was the person next to you. Repeat.
133. Use movie catchphrases at the wrong moment (charge into combat yelling "I'll be back," tell the barkeep when you buy an ale that every man dies, but not every man lives.)
134. When the DM makes a call, say "that's not what Danny would have done" or "Danny would have figured that out quicker." When asked, tell him Danny was your old DM.
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I dont know why I didnt think of this one earlier. Its actually something ive done in past game, and got another player to do the same thing in the same game.
80) Name your pc after another player in the group.
Example: I was playing in a game with a guy named Caleb, so I named my character Caleb so when the dm called for Caleb to take his turn, I could answer that I had already gone, etc.
This one wins. I spit out my apple cider laughing!
135. The local area is being plagued by a well hidden Necromancer, so your Bard or Wizard decides that you should pool together as much gold as possible and then scour the country-side in a 20 mile radius buying up all the onyxes worth 25gp or more, so he can no longer cast Animate Dead.
117: hit every npc (especially old ones) with a staff of withering even though you're chaotic good (for recent gamers, a staff of withering is a firs edition magic item that ages people 10 years every time you hit some one), that was 20 years ago but it still applies (i got my revenge tho mwahaha)
118. Complain about the other players' characters having too-high ability scores, out-of-whack magic item total market values and demand a character audit.
118A. Pitch a fit when the GM audits you in turn as well.
120: Sit on the couch reading a magazine barely paying attention, if pressed to explain what your character is doing respond with a one liner, deal with complaints by explaining to the DM and other players that it is only a game.... except during treasure division, then argue, gripe, moan, complain, whinge & wheedle about how your character cant do anything because it doesnt have this or that widget. If you get it, return to the couch.
140. Failing to pay attention while reading posts and lose 24 from the count.
142. If you character takes damage, ask where the wound is. Act like like you, the player, are really injured there. Complain it's still sore even after you are healed.
142. If you character takes damage, ask where the wound is. Act like like you, the player, are really injured there. Complain it's still sore even after you are healed.
Aww, but I enjoy that one...
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143: When adding up your attack/ damage rolls/ situational defense/ saving throw, adding in extra numbers to make the total higher.
144: When caught in the act of doing 143, just explain that your bad at math.
145: Have the group take a half hour real time to decide what course of action the characters are going to take.
146: Get in an arguement with a fellow party member cause they rolled a 1 on their attack, and it dropped you to 0 on the 'botch' or 'fumble' roll, cause clearly, there is something he could have done to keep the die from landing '1' side up.
147. Start a game of Mornington Crescent with one or more other player uninvolved in a particular scene. Drag it out.
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148. Whenever the group decides to let time go by in the game, say for resting or planning, anything at all, say, "But we can just say we waited for an hour, right? We don't really have to wait for an hour, right?"
I was playing as a half-orc barbarian in a game a couple months back, and the DM had a 'captain of the guard' type npc who wouldnt let us through a door to see the king, or something. I challenged him to a 'wrestling match', figuring correctly that my Grapple was significantly higher than his.
So we start fighting, I get him pinned, and just slowly start dealing the unarmed dmg to him. Clearly, ive got this in the bag, and dont want to waste a half hour, real time, to continue in this fight, so I ask "Can we just say that eventually Thokk wins and move on from this?"
DM: But the guard wouldnt give up, even if you were winning.
ME: Im not asking him to give up. Im asking YOU to give up trying to win this fight, when I WILL win it, cause my grapple is so much higher.
DM: Even if it is, the guard wouldnt give up.
We went back and forth for like 5 minutes, with other players interjecting, also trying to explain that I was saying my character would eventually overpower his, so lets us (the dm and players) skip the scene, say it just happened, and move on. Even after we moved on, I still dont think he understood what we meant.
149: Be a rules lawyer.
For the distracted player problem, that's one of my house rules: If you don't know what your character is going to do when your turn comes around, you lose the action. (This is flexible for newbs.)
I have always hated this rule. I have had too many occasions where I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and had the player right before me do something to invalidate my action. Then I started coming up with contingencies - a planned action, and a planned action if that didn't work. Still had both of them invalidated by previous players, and if you are moving along at a quick pace even two players ahead of you isn't always enough time to rethink your plans.
152. Screaming shoryuken whenever you cast Fireball
That's 'Hadouken', not 'Shoryuken'. Whenever the monk hits, he says 'Shoryuken'. Get it straight ;)
153. Doing absolutely anything from here...
108) build dice forts and knock them over whenever the DM rolls his dice.
109) Play WoW on your laptop during the game.
154. (ext. to 109) Play FarmVille on your laptop during the game
OK, I admit this one is me, but at least half this chit happens every time we play... and there's only 4 of us!
155. Tell the DM you find him exceedingly boring and that you want to fast forward or skip the NPC dialog.
160. Argue about character death in Call of Cthulhu. Demand physical proof that a Starspawn could squish your character like a bug. Incessantly
161. Complain about the system. Declare you wish you were playing something else.
162. Roll dice onto the battlemat and knock over miniatures. Especially if they're metal and painted.
163. Describe in great detail what you are doing to the tavern wench. Make it sound like rape.
164. Demand to play an Elf... In MECHWARRIOR. Throw a tantrum when the DM says NO.
165. Role play ALL time. From the moment you set your foot in the room. Role Play even when you take a Pizza Break.
166. Always complain your group don't get enough treasures and imply the DM is cheating.
167. If your DM is a man and if you have a female character, be sure to be grumpy once a month. Tell your DM your character has her period. After a while you do it every gaming session and tell the DM that she has a problem with her menstruation cycle. + 165 "Role play all the time". Be sure to go into details about anything regarding her menstruation.
168. If you are a female player and your DM is not, make sure to be extremely moody all the time. Explain to him it's not your fault. Your just have your period. If he ask how you can have your period every game session. Explain to him you have a problem with your menstruation cycle. Ask him if he want details (he won't).
169. If your DM is a man and your character is a woman, go into detail and describe her problems with v*ginal discharge. If your DM tells you to stop, se 176.
170. Describe in details your characters health problems, preferably stomach problems.
171. Always eat when you talk.
172. Call your kids and talk to them about their homework or anything else.
173. Talk about your kids during game sessions. If your don't have kids create a character with kids and talk about the kids all the time. + 165.
174. Discuss the rules, game setting and campaign from a feministic perspective.
175. Discuss the rules, game setting and campaign from a political perspective. Quoting Marx whenever you can or Adam smith or anyone else.
175. Discuss the rules, game setting and campaign from a philosophical perspective. Use really bad arguments, the worse the better.
176. Accuse your Dm of being a male chauvinist. Works fine even if your DM is a woman. Just tell her she been duped by the patriarchy or call her a traitor. Works even if you are a man.
177. Throw your d20 high up in the air when you roll so the dice lands all over the place. On the floor, on the battle map, in your DM's coffee cup etc. Say it's for good luck.
178. Replace all your dice in the dice box after you rolled. Next time it your turn, discard the whole dice box on the table and start looking for the d20 and your damage die. Do this every time.
179. Never roll your d20 and damage dice at the same time, nor the % dice. First roll the damage roll, then the attack role last your role your 2d10.
180. Tell your DM the game is unrealistic.
182. If your DM is running a low fantasy game, tell him/her it's too realistic. If you wanted realism you would have rented some English, working class movie from the 70's.
181. Rename all spells.
182. If English isn't your first language and your DM is using English gaming terms, rename every game term to your first language. If Pathfinder has been translated to your language, don't use those translations. Use your own. Make sure everything sounds silly or far-fetched.
183. Get yourself a transparent set of dice that are almost impossible to read. They should preferably be small. Make sure you spend a long time looking at the roll before then ask the Dm or other players if they can help you reading the result.
184. Tell your DM you need a coffee break and that you need a cake or something because of your blood sugar. Do this often.
185. Laugh loud and often. Even if something isn't funny.
186. Look at your character sheet, giggle. write something on the sheet. Look at DM and smile. Repeat.
187. Ask your DM for advice. ALL the time (you do not necessarily need to follow his/her advice). Asking for advice is especially good in battle, when you level up, when you prepare spells and when you deal with NPC. If anything goes wrong, blame your DM.
188. Show up early and ask your DM if he/she has anything to eat. If the food isn't good, complain. If the food is good, say so and the next time you ask for something equally tasty or better.
189. Tell your DM you want to rebuild your character because you're not happy with it. Even better, don't say it explicitly, just imply it. Again and again. If your DM tells you to create another character you tell your DM you want to keep your character because you love it, but you want to change its stats, skills, feats, spells, etc.
190. When you reveal the results of your attack roll and damage roll, do it without any modifiers from buffs or any other bonuses such as from favored enemy, smite, etc.
- attack 21 and Damage 12, ...... wait Bardic performance, it's +2 to attack and +2 to damage...... wait Prayer, it's 25 and 15. Is he undead? He is? Add +2 to damage and attack because they are my favored enemy....wait my bonus vs. undeads is +4.
191. Don't keep track of your buffs and don't learn how they function. Always ask if bonus A stacks with bonus B. (Does bardic performance stack with prayer? Does prayer stack with Heroism, does Heroism stack with Bardic Performance? Does Bardic Performance stack with Bless?, etc) What kind of bonus do they grant? Bonus to attack or damage or both or something else? (This is a very good tactic if you got a bard and one more buffer in the Party).
192. Always ask if Bless gives a bonus to AC.
193. Learn all rules except the rules on CMD and CMB.
194. Always use your DM's rulebook. Keep it at your side when you're done reading.
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196. Fall asleep while playing, waking up in time to attempt something rediculous based on what you heard (incorrectly)
197. Show up 2 hours late to the game (when you live in the SAME house as the DM)
198. After #197, tell the DM and the other players that they shouldn't have started without you because they all suck as players and should be dead without your input. Quit the game, but later ask the DM what went wrong (after skipping that session of course)
All of the above happened with the same player in the same game...