Two Pink Lines

[Ungoded]

So...

This past Saturday, nearly two weeks after The Warning Sign That Wasn't, my wife and I decided that we should try our luck in the First Response lottery.

So we bought our ticket and returned home, full of nervous anticipation. I dutifully read the contest rules, then carefully explained to my wife how to perform the drawing. A few seconds later I found myself hunched forward on the couch, desperately trying to find something on T.V. that would keep the next three minutes from feeling like hours.

(7:44 PM)

For me, channel surfing is a treasured pastime. I have been known to spend an entire half hour lazily scrolling through basic cable's meager offerings waiting for the next batch of shows to start, hoping for something palatable enough to melt my brain to.

I spent what must have been an entire afternoon worth of daytime junk scrolling channels, trying to kill time.

(7:45 PM)

New tactic needed. Fine.

I settle on a channel and decide to see if I can recite the commerials (I watch alot of T.V.).

"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea..." Ah, the Macarena-based Pepto Bismol song and dance. I spend a few moments pondering what bothers me more: the song, or the fact that I can sing it?

(7:46 PM)

Sweet Celestial Patriarch! Why has the flow of time broken?! What have I done to trap myself in this temporal morass? Am I cursed to forever exist in anticipation of this moment of truth, eternally waiting for that fifth daily number? Why!? Why am I tormented so?!

(7:47 PM)

Oh, time to go check the ticket. Right. Let me go do that. Just a second, though, I like this commercial.

Look, honey, the baby polar bear is drinking a coke with the penguins. Isn't that cute? Of course, everybody knows that polar bears and penguins live on opposite sides of the world. Well, except for those tropical penguins. You remember, the ones we saw in Hawai'i. I gotta admit, before that I didn't know there were tropical penguins...

What's that? The ticket? Oh, right. Yes. Let me go check that.

Guess what, honey. We won the lottery. Says so right here, two pink lines means you won.

Of course, we need to go the the Verification Office and make sure we aren't one of the 1.6% of consumers who did not get the expected results.

What's that? Verification Office isn't open on weekends? Have to wait 'til Monday?

Hm, well. How hard could that be? Um, how many minutes does Sunday have?

**********

Well, Monday came and it was off to work. I kept myself as busy as possible during the day. You know what they say: "Time flies when you're thinking of anything except the Lottery Verification Office."

They lie.

A nice, traffic-filled drive home, followed by a plop on the couch to play video games (the channel surfing, commercial singing route was not going to cut it).

I didn't notice it too much the first time I played through, but Final Fantasy X is more like a movie with a few video game moments than an actual video game. And let me tell you, I did not give a rat's ass about whether or not Yuna was going to die at the end of her pilgrimage.

Eventually my wife came home. She was on the phone when she walked in. I patiently (sort of) waited for her to finish her conversation. Which she eventually did.

Wife: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Ungoded: Uh, good. You?

Wife: It was okay.

Ungoded: So, how did things go at the Lottery Verification Office?

author's note: I wasn't sure if I should stick to the metaphor or let this conversation play out closer to how it actually happened. Ultimately I decided to go with the metaphor, 'cause I like it.

Wife: I don't have an ear infection.

And here the metaphor breaks down anyway. Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted. I should note that this is not the non-sequitur that it appears to be. Her ears have been bothering her for weeks, she decided to get them checked out while she was there.

Ungoded: Good. Good. That's good. And, uh, that other thing?

Wife: Six weeks along.

Ungoded: Woohoo! We won the lottery! Welcome back metaphor, welcome back.

[Forgottenprince]

Congrats and good luck!

[Sect]

You know, I had to re-read this three times to figure out the point. The entire time, I was thinking "Man, the Powerbowl (or whatever) has gotten really weird since I've left".

Congrats.

[Ungoded]

Forgottenprince wrote:

Congrats

Thank you.

Forgottenprince wrote:

and good luck!

I think I am going to need it.

[Ungoded]

Sect wrote:

You know, I had to re-read this three times to figure out the point. The entire time, I was thinking "Man, the Powerbowl (or whatever) has gotten really weird since I've left".

Yeah, I might have gone a little overboard with the lottery thing there. I tend to do that.

Sect wrote:

Congrats.

Thank you.

[Fake Healer]

Beautifully written story. Print it and save it for you kid, he/she will get a kick out of it.
Congrats bro! I would like to be the first to suggest "Meepo" as a name for the lil' monster.

[Arctaris]

Yes! Name it Meepo!
Congrats man! I was reading through it and it took me a little while to catch on, but I got the point. Congradulations!

[mwbeeler]

I've always been partial to, "Spackle."

Congrats!

[Craig Shackleton]

Congratulations!

I guess that puts Gen Con out of the picture, but Origins is still in, right? Hitchcock can give you parenting advice while we enjoy a Corona or two!

[Ungoded]

Fake Healer wrote:

Beautifully written story.

Thank you. I started out with the intent of a simple announcement, but I like this better.

Fake Healer wrote:

Print it and save it for you kid, he/she will get a kick out of it.

Excellent idea. Makes me glad I decided not to carry the metaphor to the point of referring to my unborn child as a "cash prize."

Fake Healer wrote:

Congrats bro! I would like to be the first to suggest "Meepo" as a name for the lil' monster.

Thank you. I think the naming issue might end up being a point of contention in my house. I've offered up Tasselhoff and Aragorn as possibilities for a boy. Both were shot down.

Hm...what about Cash Prize?

[Ungoded]

Arctaris wrote:

Congrats man!

Thank you.

Arctaris wrote:

I was reading through it and it took me a little while to catch on, but I got the point. Congradulations!

Yeah, maybe I should have product linked First Response. That might've made things clearer.

[Ungoded]

mwbeeler wrote:

I've always been partial to, "Spackle."

Awww... Is that because it fills the whole in your life, or because no matter how hard you try, you can never get it to turn out just right?

mwbeeler wrote:

Congrats!

Thank you.

[Ungoded]

Rambling Scribe wrote:

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Rambling Scribe wrote:

I guess that puts Gen Con out of the picture, but Origins is still in, right? Hitchcock can give you parenting advice while we enjoy a bucket of Corona or two!

That, sir, is an excellent idea. Of course, I don't recall much of the marital advice I got over the last couple of buckets, but I'm pretty sure the band was good.

[mwbeeler]

Here, let me help:

In the next few months, you will hear this over, and over, and over, by well meaning but infuriating well-wishers:

1. Your entire life will change.
2. SLEEP NOW.

Smile...nod...

[Vomit Guy]

Congratulations! As for names, I'll just go ahead and suggest......

....Ralph

[Ungoded]

mwbeeler wrote:

Here, let me help:

In the next few months, you will hear this over, and over, and over, by well meaning but infuriating well-wishers:

1. Your entire life will change.
2. SLEEP NOW.

Smile...nod...

Yeah, I'm always amused by the people who think they are the first to give you a piece of cliched advice or make a "funny" comment that was old when they heard it.

Well, not always amused. I'm amused the first few times. After that, the smiling and nodding...

[Turin the Mad]

mwbeeler wrote:

Here, let me help:

In the next few months, you will hear this over, and over, and over, by well meaning but infuriating well-wishers:

1. Your entire life will change.
2. SLEEP NOW.

Smile...nod...

Yes, because no matter how much sleep you get now, it will never bank enough to make up for the mind-shattering eldritch hideousness that will become your sleeping pattern later, about ... oh, Memorial Day weekend if she's six weeks along (leaving a mere 34 weeks to go... oh joy, oh rapture!).

Seriously though, congratulations on the kiddo, may your bundle of joy BE a bundle of joy through and through.

And here I thought most of us were smart enough not to mate and produce offspring that will hate us and become jocks when they become teenagers...

[Ungoded]

Vomit Guy wrote:

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Vomit Guy wrote:

As for names, I'll just go ahead and suggest......

....Ralph

Huh, and I was going to go with Bllllooooorrrrppphhhhh!

[Ungoded]

Turin the Mad wrote:

mwbeeler wrote:

Here, let me help:

In the next few months, you will hear this over, and over, and over, by well meaning but infuriating well-wishers:

1. Your entire life will change.
2. SLEEP NOW.

Smile...nod...

Yes, because no matter how much sleep you get now, it will never bank enough to make up for the mind-shattering eldritch hideousness that will become your sleeping pattern later, about ... oh, Memorial Day weekend if she's six weeks along (leaving a mere 34 weeks to go... oh joy, oh rapture!).

ETA 8/7/2008, actually. I eagerly anticipate the sleepless nights.

Turin the Mad wrote:

Seriously though, congratulations on the kiddo, may your bundle of joy BE a bundle of joy through and through.

Thank you.

Turin the Mad wrote:

And here I thought most of us were smart enough not to mate and produce offspring that will hate us and become jocks when they become teenagers...

If the kid has even an ounce of athletic talent, I'll know it's not mine.

[Valegrim]

wow that first post is a doozy; grats i think if that is appropriate.

[Ungoded]

Valegrim wrote:

wow that first post is a doozy;

Yeah, it kind of got away from me there.

Valegrim wrote:

grats i think if that is appropriate.

It is, and thank you.

[Dirk Gently]

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

[Mothman]

Well done to yourself and the wife man.

And nicely told story.

[The Eldritch Mr. Shiny]

Dirk Gently wrote:

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

Good thing you weren't giving them CONGRATULATIONS with a T. That would just be cliche.

[Dirk Gently]

The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

Dirk Gently wrote:

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

Good thing you weren't giving them CONGRATULATIONS with a T. That would just be cliche.

I always misspell it. On purpose even. CONGRADULAMIGATIONS! See.

[The Eldritch Mr. Shiny]

Dirk Gently wrote:

The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

Dirk Gently wrote:

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

Good thing you weren't giving them CONGRATULATIONS with a T. That would just be cliche.

I always misspell it. On purpose even. CONGRADULAMIGATIONS! See.

CONGRABULATIONS! A WINNER IS YOU!

CONGRATURATION FROM CAPCOM ALL STAFF!
CONGRATULALIONS! <= this one was on a cake I was given once. Ouch.

[Mike McArtor]

Grats, Ungoded! A new gamer is imminent! (Nine months is imminent in the grand scheme of things, ne?)

[The Jade]

Congratulations, my friend. Get your sleep in now and save it up in a camel hump because you'll need it in T minus...

[Cosmo]

Heh... you said "morass"...

Spoiler:

Congratulations!
Personally, I've always liked "Cosmo" for a name...

But maybe that's just me. :)

[Tegan]

Congrats to you both. Ain't geek love grand?!

[Ungoded]

Dirk Gently wrote:

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

At least as a child.

Dirk Gently wrote:

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

Thank you.

Dirk Gently wrote:

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

Good to hear, maybe all that time wasn't a waste after all.

[Ungoded]

Mothman wrote:

Well done to yourself and the wife man.

And nicely told story.

Thank you.

[Ungoded]

The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

Dirk Gently wrote:

Huzzah! More teeny gamers running about the world! (Even if s/he does become a jock, there will be a geek time in his/her life.)

Well, I don't think that you're quite sick of the congradulations yet, so CONGRADULATIONS!

And on the story bit, I, for one, got it the first time around. And thought it was hilarious. Good job.

Good thing you weren't giving them CONGRATULATIONS with a T. That would just be cliche.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I've recieved lots of congratulations with a "t". That "d" makes it special.

[Ungoded]

Mike McArtor wrote:

Grats, Ungoded!

Thank you.

Mike McArtor wrote:

A new gamer is imminent! (Nine months is imminent in the grand scheme of things, ne?)

I guess it depends on your perspective. To me, nine months suddenly seems very imminent.

[feytharn]

Congratulations!
Congratulations!!
Congratulations!!!
Make sure that "new geek" feels welcome in this world.

[Ungoded]

The Jade wrote:

Congratulations, my friend.

Thank you.

The Jade wrote:

Get your sleep in now and save it up in a camel hump

What a lucky coincidence, I happen to have a camel hump that I can use. I was using it to store my plans for next year...

The Jade wrote:

because you'll need it in T minus...

34 weeks, and counting.

[Ungoded]

Cosmo wrote:

Heh... you said "morass"...

Indeed, it's what landed me here.

Cosmo wrote:

** spoiler omitted **

Spoiler:

Thank you.

I'll run "Cosmo" by the wife.

[Ungoded]

Tegan wrote:

Congrats to you both.

Thank you.

Tegan wrote:

Ain't geek love grand?!

The grandest.

[Vomit Guy]

Ungoded wrote:

Vomit Guy wrote:

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Vomit Guy wrote:

As for names, I'll just go ahead and suggest......

....Ralph

Huh, and I was going to go with Bllllooooorrrrppphhhhh!

Hmmm.....Bllllooooorrrrppphhhhh! certainly does have a nice ring to it. You may also want to consider Sploooooooooooooorrrrrtttccchhh

[Ungoded]

feytharn wrote:

Congratulations!

Thank you!

feytharn wrote:

Congratulations!!

Thank you!!

feytharn wrote:

Congratulations!!!

Thank you!!!

feytharn wrote:

Make sure that "new geek" feels welcome in this world.

I plan on running TC1 in the maternity ward.

[Snorter]

Vomit Guy wrote:

Congratulations! As for names, I'll just go ahead and suggest......

Vomit Guy wrote:

....Ralph

Or Huey!

[Snorter]

I thought you actually had won the lottery; I had my begging letter ready and everything...

[Ungoded]

Vomit Guy wrote:

You may also want to consider Sploooooooooooooorrrrrtttccchhh

I do like the way that rolls off the tongue.

[Ungoded]

Snorter wrote:

Vomit Guy wrote:

Congratulations! As for names, I'll just go ahead and suggest......

Vomit Guy wrote:

....Ralph

Or Huey!

Hey, then I'd have the next two kids' names all set: Dewey and Louie.

[Ungoded]

Snorter wrote:

I thought you actually had won the lottery; I had my begging letter ready and everything...

Actually winning the lottery would be a nice alternative to spending less money, which is the current plan.

Tell you what, if I do win the big money, I'll have Paizo send you a nice GameMastery gift basket.

[Snorter]

Ungoded wrote:

Tell you what, if I do win the big money, I'll have Paizo send you a nice GameMastery gift basket.

That would be too cool for words!

Dibs on a cuddly Chupacapra for my little girl!

[Kruelaid]

my condolences to everyone who didn't win

[Snorter]

Kruelaid wrote:

my condolences to everyone who didn't win

I'll be posting a critique on their performance, later!

[Djoc]

Ungoded wrote:

If the kid has even an ounce of athletic talent, I'll know it's not mine.

Alternatively, hold it beside a light source and make sure it casts a shadow ;p

Congratulations!