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I am starting a Dwarven Duskblade that I want to play as a Joe Pesci(mostly from Casino)/short dispatcher dude from Taxi (the series, can't remember the actors name off-hand)mix. I need some fantasy/D&D related rude and snarky comments and one-liner insults to use for him in game to explain his 6 charisma. He is great physically, pretty smart(15), average wisdom, 6 charisma. I can't wait to see what you guys can do with this!
Thanks
FH

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"What do look like? An otyugh?!?"
"Yeah, I got yer broadsword right 'eeeere!"
"Oh, I'm sorry... Was I supposed to be impressed by that?"
"I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a Jester, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to freakin' amuuuuuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? You said I'm funny. How the heck am I funny, what the heck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny! Or maybe I'll just show you what's funny..."
*stabs the guy in the toe*
"Now, THAT'S funny."
(roll initiative)

The Jade |

Danny Devito's character on Taxi was Louie Depalma.
Making these one liners up on the spot:
Looking at a taller foe:
Nice booger farm you got going there.
When someone laughs at him:
Your breath could choke a muffin.
When someone tells him he's ugly:
Your mom didn't think so when she polished my face with her (whatever you want in the blank).
When someone insults the height of dwarves.
(do a mocking little dance with flourishing hands) Oh, look at me... I'm better because it takes my poop longer to land.
--or--
My fist. Your nuts.
Random:
What a backstory... thank you for that. Really.
Take off your helmet so I can shit in it.
Had an elven woman once. Tasted like chicken.

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"I got just one thing to say to you.....Knife ta da eye!!!"
(thanxs, The Goon).
"Hey, f$%% you, you f%in' f+$%!!!"
"What? I can't believe you made me pop your eyeball out for that dipshit!!!"
"Getcher bols outta my face, humon, or I usem for tilting practice!!!"
Call all humans "humon."
And "somebody get me a ladder, cos I'm kickin' this guy's ass."
go getcher shinebox, fakey.

The Jade |

Came back to read the others but a few more occur to me...
Yet another barb to a human or elf:
"It's hard to take you seriously when I can smell your groin."
To those who would joke at his expense.
"You'll be even funnier when you're dead and I bury you ass-up for my flowerpot. I'm thinking daffodils. Too festive?"
To a boaster:
"You must be triple jointed to be able to pat yourself on the back so well."
To an enemy in battle.
"When we're done here... I'm going to fondle what's left of you."
Sizing up a potential enemy while his party parleys, the dwarf holds two coppers in front of him so that the coins appear, in his field of vision, to be over the stranger's eyes.
Fakey, give me a few scenarios and I can spit these out, for better or worse, like watermelon seeds, made-to-order.

Valegrim |

Son, I am here to chew jerky and kick yer butt; an i am all out of jerky.
Boy; who you calling boy; you see a boy you slap him.
Egad, that is double tuff; definately dumbsh*t stupid, but double tuff.
Your parents have any kids that lived?
well now; aight you a funny guy; I dont know whether to laugh or open yer gut n choke you with yer own intenstine.
Oh git up; yer not hurt; just ignore that arm oer der; why you think God gave you two for ya wimp.
so, did were you in school long to learn how to screw up that bad or are you a natural.

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Fakey, give me a few scenarios and I can spit these out, for better or worse, like watermelon seeds, made-to-order.
Ladies and Gentlemen gather 'round! Come and witness the greatest invention of the 19th century! It slices, it dices, it takes the English language and bends it to your personal desires. More wit than you could possibly need in a lifetime, but real time! It's the SnarkMaster 5000 (tm)!

The Jade |

Ladies and Gentlemen gather 'round! Come and witness the greatest invention of the 19th century! It slices, it dices, it takes the English language and bends it to your personal desires. More wit than you could possibly need in a lifetime, but real time! It's the SnarkMaster 5000 (tm)!
In Japan, my wit can cut like a knife. That said, they all have katanas over there, so it doesn't usually end all that well for me.

Kruelaid |

"You know... All day long I have been bothered by Clerics and dead men."
*Looks the person over carefully.*
"You don't look like a Cleric."
Not an insult... but nevertheless I shall help dilute this thread.
My other favorites from the "two choices threat" are in They Live (from Rowdy Roddy Piper) and The Rundown (from the Rock).
Piper: "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubble gum."
The Rock: "You can take option A or Option B. Option A is you give me the ring. Option B is I make you."

The Jade |

Go to Shakespeare insult generator.
Here's my best attempt.
Thou spongy rump-fed pignut!
Thou qualling hell-hated lewdster!
Thou spleeny tickle-brained whey-face!
Thou tottering onion-eyed minnow!
Thou wayward spur-galled puttock!

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Kruelaid wrote:Go to Shakespeare insult generator.Here's my best attempt.
Thou spongy rump-fed pignut!
Thou qualling hell-hated lewdster!
Thou spleeny tickle-brained whey-face!
Thou tottering onion-eyed minnow!
Thou wayward spur-galled puttock!
Lousy knave! Lousy, lousy knave!
A word? Why not make it a word and a blow?

Kyr |

Disenchanter wrote:"You know... All day long I have been bothered by Clerics and dead men."
*Looks the person over carefully.*
"You don't look like a Cleric."
Not an insult... but nevertheless I shall help dilute this thread.
My other favorites from the "two choices threat" are in They Live (from Rowdy Roddy Piper) and The Rundown (from the Rock).
Piper: "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubble gum."
The Rock: "You can take option A or Option B. Option A is you give me the ring. Option B is I make you."
Just talk like the Rock in his wrestler days - Jabroni the Rock is going to lay the smackdown on your candy ass - opportunities for variation are endless and fun each time.