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I am starting a Dwarven Duskblade that I want to play as a Joe Pesci(mostly from Casino)/short dispatcher dude from Taxi (the series, can't remember the actors name off-hand)mix. I need some fantasy/D&D related rude and snarky comments and one-liner insults to use for him in game to explain his 6 charisma. He is great physically, pretty smart(15), average wisdom, 6 charisma. I can't wait to see what you guys can do with this!
Thanks
FH
Director of Sales
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"What do look like? An otyugh?!?"
"Yeah, I got yer broadsword right 'eeeere!"
"Oh, I'm sorry... Was I supposed to be impressed by that?"
"I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a Jester, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to freakin' amuuuuuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? You said I'm funny. How the heck am I funny, what the heck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny! Or maybe I'll just show you what's funny..."
*stabs the guy in the toe*
"Now, THAT'S funny."
(roll initiative)
Along ruder, I can't believe he went there lines, there's always:
"Kiss my rod of lordly might! If you rub it, it becomes a 10 ft. pole!"
Danny Devito's character on Taxi was Louie Depalma.
Making these one liners up on the spot:
Looking at a taller foe:
Nice booger farm you got going there.
When someone laughs at him:
Your breath could choke a muffin.
When someone tells him he's ugly:
Your mom didn't think so when she polished my face with her (whatever you want in the blank).
When someone insults the height of dwarves.
(do a mocking little dance with flourishing hands) Oh, look at me... I'm better because it takes my poop longer to land.
--or--
My fist. Your nuts.
Random:
What a backstory... thank you for that. Really.
Take off your helmet so I can shit in it.
Had an elven woman once. Tasted like chicken.
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"I got just one thing to say to you.....Knife ta da eye!!!"
(thanxs, The Goon).
"Hey, f$%! you, you f@#%in' f@$$!!!"
"What? I can't believe you made me pop your eyeball out for that dipshit!!!"
"Getcher bols outta my face, humon, or I usem for tilting practice!!!"
Call all humans "humon."
And "somebody get me a ladder, cos I'm kickin' this guy's ass."
go getcher shinebox, fakey.
Came back to read the others but a few more occur to me...
Yet another barb to a human or elf:
"It's hard to take you seriously when I can smell your groin."
To those who would joke at his expense.
"You'll be even funnier when you're dead and I bury you ass-up for my flowerpot. I'm thinking daffodils. Too festive?"
To a boaster:
"You must be triple jointed to be able to pat yourself on the back so well."
To an enemy in battle.
"When we're done here... I'm going to fondle what's left of you."
Sizing up a potential enemy while his party parleys, the dwarf holds two coppers in front of him so that the coins appear, in his field of vision, to be over the stranger's eyes.
Fakey, give me a few scenarios and I can spit these out, for better or worse, like watermelon seeds, made-to-order.
Son, I am here to chew jerky and kick yer butt; an i am all out of jerky.
Boy; who you calling boy; you see a boy you slap him.
Egad, that is double tuff; definately dumbsh*t stupid, but double tuff.
Your parents have any kids that lived?
well now; aight you a funny guy; I dont know whether to laugh or open yer gut n choke you with yer own intenstine.
Oh git up; yer not hurt; just ignore that arm oer der; why you think God gave you two for ya wimp.
so, did were you in school long to learn how to screw up that bad or are you a natural.
"Who you callin a bearded clam! you son of nappy headed goat herder!"
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Director of Narrative
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Fakey, give me a few scenarios and I can spit these out, for better or worse, like watermelon seeds, made-to-order.
Ladies and Gentlemen gather 'round! Come and witness the greatest invention of the 19th century! It slices, it dices, it takes the English language and bends it to your personal desires. More wit than you could possibly need in a lifetime, but real time! It's the SnarkMaster 5000 (tm)!
Ladies and Gentlemen gather 'round! Come and witness the greatest invention of the 19th century! It slices, it dices, it takes the English language and bends it to your personal desires. More wit than you could possibly need in a lifetime, but real time! It's the SnarkMaster 5000 (tm)!
In Japan, my wit can cut like a knife. That said, they all have katanas over there, so it doesn't usually end all that well for me.
For whatever reason, i pictured bobcat golthwait (sp?) especially like from the movie burglar. kenobie? no knobby...
"You know... All day long I have been bothered by Clerics and dead men."
*Looks the person over carefully.*
"You don't look like a Cleric."
It takes twenty six muscles to frown, but it only takes four muscles to exend my arm and shove this sword through your gut.
Go to Shakespeare insult generator.
Reading Lena's mention of gut brought me to:
"The outside of you smells like the inside of me, and I had curdled milk and deer balls for dinner."
"You know... All day long I have been bothered by Clerics and dead men."
*Looks the person over carefully.*
"You don't look like a Cleric."
Not an insult... but nevertheless I shall help dilute this thread.
My other favorites from the "two choices threat" are in They Live (from Rowdy Roddy Piper) and The Rundown (from the Rock).
Piper: "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubble gum."
The Rock: "You can take option A or Option B. Option A is you give me the ring. Option B is I make you."
Go to Shakespeare insult generator.
Here's my best attempt.
Thou spongy rump-fed pignut!
Thou qualling hell-hated lewdster!
Thou spleeny tickle-brained whey-face!
Thou tottering onion-eyed minnow!
Thou wayward spur-galled puttock!
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Go to Shakespeare insult generator.Here's my best attempt.
Thou spongy rump-fed pignut!
Thou qualling hell-hated lewdster!
Thou spleeny tickle-brained whey-face!
Thou tottering onion-eyed minnow!
Thou wayward spur-galled puttock!
Lousy knave! Lousy, lousy knave!
A word? Why not make it a word and a blow?
The list of names I created above was used with a list where you piece together your own "Shakespeare-sounding insult"--and it seems pretty fool proof.
The generator itself has some create true Shakespeare jibes, but they're a little highbrow for a dwarf.
"You know... All day long I have been bothered by Clerics and dead men."
*Looks the person over carefully.*
"You don't look like a Cleric."
Not an insult... but nevertheless I shall help dilute this thread.
My other favorites from the "two choices threat" are in They Live (from Rowdy Roddy Piper) and The Rundown (from the Rock).
Piper: "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubble gum."
The Rock: "You can take option A or Option B. Option A is you give me the ring. Option B is I make you."
Just talk like the Rock in his wrestler days - Jabroni the Rock is going to lay the smackdown on your candy ass - opportunities for variation are endless and fun each time.
"Gods! Do you to want to quit yer sad little p!ssin' contest? I've seen more imposing tackle bein' shown in a pixie circle jerk!"
Wow, man. That has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I almost spit coffee all over my keyboard!
From a battle-cry of an old character...
"Ye be a worthless hairy vomit chunk who don't deserve to draw anotha' breath!"
Said to an attractive female NPC:
"Holy shit, buddy, did you ever cut yerself shavin."
To a guy in full plate:
"Moron, ye got it all wrong, yer dick goes in the codpiece and yer head in the helmet."