simmering over a gateway to Thoth Amon's
backroom distillery, the place where he brews
very tasty chocolate-and-rat brain wines,
halfling and mushroom gumbo, and his famous
radish and green slime casserole. When Conan
stole Thoth Amon's recipe and tried to
cook the wizard's signature eel-eye stew, he
could only find one-eyed giant cave morays,
thus creating a thinner stock for the
hearty meal. "Damnation, this is soup!", cried
Thulsa Doom. Appalled at such weak fare,
Conan picked up a sword and started
hacking away at Thoth and Thulsa's multitudinous
beef broilers, made of twice cooled mithril
and the hide of a great wyrm
After destroying the cooking apparatus, Conan then
started smashing that "art" piece he hated
in the airport terminal - the big metal
welded piece that supposedly represented mankind's continuing
frustration with its inability to objectively understand
the continuing popularity of Paris Hilton. Luckily,
He-man showed up and started planning a
new reality show based on the musical
Mumm-Ra and the morbidly obese tapdancers of
Stomp; it didn't go over too well
because its leading lady, Macaulay Caulkin, gave
birth to a box of Life cereal
and thus lost his unnatural girth
. The role of Mumm-Ra then fell to
Paul Sorvino, the hefty yet talented father
of an Unholy Scion named Quincy, who
drove over his father with a Scion
over the river and through the woods
to go to a love-in at the
corner of Haight and Asbury in 1967.
Upon arriving, Quincy decided he should start
off with a big bang, so he
started shooting blanks from his revolver to
scare off his competition - after all, many
other aspiring actors were auditioning for the
prestigious role of the embalmed villain, and
he really wanted to lie there in
the buff, coated with a waxy shell,
staring into the light until his eyes
were burned out by the intensity of
their unholy glare. Having slaughtered the other
actors, Quincy set his sights on picking
up some minions who could cheer and
uplift him, while simultaneously frightening the bejeezus
out of his insidious enemies. Quincy quickly
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