I bet you thought after two years of April Fools Bestiary blogs (check them out here and here) that we’d be sure to do another April Fools Bestiary this year. Alas, we have fooled you. It is a jest. A harmless bit of innocent whimsy, in the spirit of April.
This year, we’re doing the April Fools Vestiary instead, full of stylish magic items sure to turn heads in the tavern, or in the dungeon you go to after the tavern, or in the magic item shop you go to after the dungeon where your rogue tries to steal a magic sword and gets the party kicked out of the town. Let’s see what hath sprung forth from Paizo’s foolishness this year!
Banhammer
Developed by militant forum moderators, these sleek, elegant hammers feature comically oversized heads with which to remove unwanted content. Some users customize them to make exaggerated squeaking noises when they attack. Banhammers have the ban critical hit effect and are two-handed basic melee weapons.
Level Price Damage Critical Special Banhammer, forum mod 6 2 hours a week on the forums 2d6 B & E Ban Probably has a battery? Banhammer, site moderator 10 You probably dream of forums most nights 6d6 B & E Ban Banhammer, administrator 14 Say goodbye to your social life 10d8 B & E Ban Banhammer, CEO of a social media company 18 You’re not logged on. You are online. 12d8 B & E Ban Immoral Ban (Critical hit effect)
The target must succeed at a Will saving throw or be deleted from one infosphere site, chosen at random from any site they are a member of. The target can restore their account with a heartfelt appeal and/or tweeting at the site’s owner and succeeding at a Diplomacy check (DC: entirely based on the GM’s whims).Starfinder Society Note: Replace the “ban” critical hit effect with the following text: “Choose one item currently being worn or held by the target, or one spell the target has cast. The target must make a Will saving throw. On a failure, that item or spell is now banned in Starfinder Society, and nobody at the table can use it for the rest of the scenario. On a critical failure, it is now banned in the whole campaign, and you should email the OP staff to let them know.”
Also these are not sanctioned for Starfinder Society play, this is an April Fool’s blog, c’mon now.
By Alex Speidel
Organized Play Coordinator
Head Cannon — System: Brain and Throat
Augmentation Magitech
Level 10
Price 18,000
This tasteful adamantine armature installed within your throat and mouth and linked to your brain hides a collapsible cannon capable of firing powerful reality-altering shells. When installed, a head cannon grants a +2 circumstance bonus to the Fortitude save against a wound critical hit effect that targets the brain (provided your species’ brain is in your head [provided your species thinks with its brain]). As a standard action, you can open your mouth wide to use the head cannon to make a ranged attack against a single creature’s KAC within 60 feet. This cannon counts as a heavy weapon for proficiency purposes and deals 2d12 piercing damage. Upon rolling the damage, you can attempt a DC 16 Will saving throw to exert your belief over how badly your target was damaged; if you succeed, you can roll an additional d12 of damage. After you fire the head cannon, you take a –2 penalty to the DCs and skill checks for language-dependent effects for 1d4 rounds as your mouth returns to normal size and the gun cools down. Once you have fired the head cannon, you can’t shoot it again until you’ve rested for 10 minutes to regain Stamina Points, though you can spend 1 Resolve Point at any point to recharge the gun immediately.By Jason Keeley
Starfinder Development Manager
Obozaya powers up her stylish new augmentation. Art by Eleanor Ferron (Senior Developer)
Robe of Feathers Fall — Item 8
This dashing travel- (and beer-) stained feathered robe is the result of magic experimentation gone awry. Dared to create a robe that would continually cast feather fall during a brainstorming session at a local pub, a young wizard got the enchantment wrong. Instead of a robe that would let its wearer float through the air, they got….this:
When you first invest the robe, and whenever you make your daily preparations, roll 1d6 and consult the following list to determine the type of feathers. 1: crow; 2: duck; 3: ostrich; 4: chicken; 5: goose; 6: peacock. With each step taken, huge amounts of feathers sprout forth from the robe with great force. The feathers make you concealed from all other creatures, but also conceal all other creatures from you. Of course, you cannot use this concealed condition to Hide.
By Jon Morgantini
Customer Service Representative
This feathered cloak is sure to turn heads. Art by Eleanor Ferron (Senior Developer)
Suit of Armoire — Item 13
Abjuration, Invested, Chaotic
Price An indeterminate amount of one’s lifespan, spent driving to the magic item warehouse, navigating its labyrinthine corridors, and consuming meatballs. Also some gold.
Usage Worn armor; Bulk 4This classic, timeless suit of +1 resilient full plate is personally assembled from modular pieces of flat-packed darkwood, doubling as furniture and personal protective gear. To wear or remove the suit of armoire, you must succeed at a DC 41 Crafting check (yes, this includes the +10 modifier for an “Incredibly Difficult” challenge); on a failure, you and all creatures within 30 feet must succeed at a DC 31 Will save or be overcome with frustration at how you can’t follow the simple, easy-to-understand diagrams for assembling the armoire, imposing a –1 status penalty to Will saves for 1 hour.
Activate [one-action] Interact;
Once per day; You did not fail at the check to assemble the suit of armoire today; Effect You open a set of doors on the armoire’s front, producing one fancy suit of clothes of your choosing. Activate [reaction] Interact;
An enemy hits or critically hits you with a Strike, or you fail or critically fail a Reflex save; You did fail the check to assemble the suit of armoire at least once today; Effect You forgot a peg or bolt when you were assembling the suit of armoire, causing it to collapse to pieces around you, though this shields you from harm. The triggering attack is a failure, or you succeed at your Reflex save. The suit of armoire falls apart around you into its constituent panels, leaving you unarmored. By James Case
Designer
Wayfinderfinder — Item 5
Uncommon, Divination, Invested, Magical
Price 10 Treasure Bundles
Usage worn; Bulk –This extremely fetching oversized compass has numerous extraneous gears, levers, doodads, and buttons. It does not function as a compass. Instead, it always points to the nearest wayfinder. An indentation in the middle of the wayfinderfinder can hold a single wayfinder. A wayfinder stored in this manner—and any aeon stone it may contain—provides no benefits, but the wayfinderfinder points to the nearest wayfinder of the type stored within, instead of any wayfinder. If you have more than one wayfinderfinder holding a wayfinder on your person at a given time, the wayfinderfinders point to each other instead, and any aeon stones in your possession begin annoyingly bouncing off your head instead of rotating around it.
Activate [one-action] command; Effect The wayfinderfinder shouts “Explore! Report! Cooperate!” then rapidly explains that certain uses of the wayfinderfinder may void its warranty.
By Mike Kimmel
Pathfinder Society Developer
We hope you enjoy this wonderful and foolish vestiary! If you have any ideas for foolish magic items, let us know below!
(You Look) Fly, You Fools
Friday, April 1, 2022
