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Honestly, this started out as a very different item. That is where then transmute rock to mud came in. When it morphed to the desert theme, I never looked for a better fitting spell. I still like the feel of the harsher move penalty that I have here, but I see how much easier solid fog makes things. It will serve me very well next year. Again, thank you very much Sean (and Neil in the other thread)
This was my favorite of the bunch exactly for the First World/fey tie-in, but I agree that the anti-pathfinder part may hurt you in the voting. Good Luck!
Dust of the Shaitan I am looking forward to Sean's feedback. Thank you very much Neil! The comments show where I did not make things clear enough. I especially thought solid fog was not harsh enough for how I envisioned this. *Doesn't affect wind and fog, "except to limit duration," but I don't know what that quote means. I intended it as both a hazard and a haven, hazard to air creatures (ideally djinn) and a haven against air effects. I envisioned a sandstorm bearing down on a party and this item allowing at least 5 rounds of protection to come up with some solution. I did not detail this well. I also envisioned some very evil ways to kill/damage water sources like oasis and wells (and create traps on the fly)
Thanks for the heads up Joana
Wow, this is pretty cool! It would be awesome to see your feedback on my Dust of the Shaitan
Dust of the Shaitan
This dust resembles powder-fine sand and is often found in small sun-bleached leather pouches. A handful flung into the air billows forth creating a shimmering, stationary, ground-hugging cloud no more than ten 10-foot cubes in area. This cloud changes the very nature of the air within, making it dense and viscous like heavy silt or mud. Within the cloud creatures with the air subtype must make a DC 18 Fortitude save or be stunned for 1d6 rounds. Also flying or levitating creatures and objects are grounded harmlessly. Movement speeds reduce to 5 feet, though creatures with burrow speeds may move at that rate. In all other respects creatures gain the entangled condition. Mundane projectiles fired into or within the cloud act as flying objects noted above. The cloud's shape is decided at dispersal and cannot exceed sight range. It affects neither breathing nor visibility. Wind, fog and other cloud effects do not operate within or upon it, except to limit duration. It remains for one hour in still air or mild breezes and 15 minutes in moderate winds. It even holds together against strong winds such as a gust of wind up through the strongest of sandstorms for 5 rounds. Any portion of the cloud in or atop a substantial body of water fails to form. This cloud has no effect upon freedom of movement spells or effects. Alternately, a handful of this dust poured into a quantity of water (maximum volume as the cloud above) transforms that water to quicksand. Construction
My thinking was that as a saboteur he gains a slightly higher avg hp (.67ish), +1 BAB, a bonus combat style feat, favored enemy humanoid(human) likely and better fort and ref saves. Tamper is good against simple devices. The cons are that he takes a hit to will saves going down to only 1, some skills go down or get lost: sleight of hand goes down but worst of all his UMD goes down some. All in all, as I'd run him it makes him beefier in a fight at the expense of more reliable wand use and good will saves
My initial reaction in reading the fluff was 'Yes, someone used the saboteur!' I was then a little let down with the trapsmith only in the crunch. I agree that one or two levels of saboteur would have been better than the expert levels, but that might have run you long in your stat block. I really like the bad guys that you can introduce at low levels that can easily scale up as recurring villains, and this guy fits the bill. He might not be a boss encounter as is, but his potential in later adventures and throughout a campaign makes him one of my favorites this round.
As with the rest of the feedback on this thread, this was very helpful. I already had an idea what this would say, but confirmation is nice. The price to power ratio was a big stumbling block for me, since by the chart it would be 10,080 but by it's effects it should be much less. I know a host of areas that I made mistakes on. It will serve me well next year. Thank you to Neil and to the rest of the judges.
I love the concept. It was near the top of my list for what I'd like to have as a character option. My main issue is with the honeyed words ability. There is already a rogue talent with that name, and I would prefer that one over this one. Kudos for going the bard route. It is a far more challenging choice IMO. Good luck in the voting.
In my opinion archetypes are a great litmus test for the contestants. The lack of prior examples to review toughens things considerably. I'll admit to attempting an archetype or two myself before the 32 were announced. It's damn hard to make one that works, nevermind being Superstar. I have a great respect for the efforts of these folks. Congratulations to them all. That said, a few really stood out to me. Three because they took their spin on the base class in a really cool direction without losing the base class (Hound Master, Saboteur and Goldfever Alchemist) and one (Impaler) for such a cool concept with a ton of sheer fun factor. I then picked two on the strength of the writing alone and the last two were based off the previous round. If my assumption of what the next round will bring is correct, I cannot wait to see those submissions.
As I said over in the judge's thread, I took the kernel of a good idea and cheesed it up too much. I should have read the auto-reject threads before I submitted, but as it was my first year and I came across the contest fairly late, I learned at my own peril. So I had an item with alcohol and toys... not too smart. I have remade it with this in mind for review here. Figment of Gnomish Retribution
Description
Once per day speaking the command word while holding one bleaches away the bright coloration creating four shadowy, incorporeal, gnome-sized protectors for seven rounds. These protectors surround their charge in the adjacent compass point spaces. The holder changes this formation as his move action at a speed of 20 feet for each soldier. Ordering them not to move is a free action. Otherwise they automatically maintain position relative to their charge. Any teleportation or dimensional movement by their charge dispells them however. The only other actions these 'gnomes' take are attacks of opportunity. They can make only one attack of opportunity per round. These are at a +3 bonus dealing 1d6+3 points of nonlethal damage. They provide flanking, have an AC of 17, 11 hp, and make saves and checks at a +3 bonus. Enemies ending a turn in the same space with one may provoke an attack of opportunity. Shadow gnomes positioned inside solid objects such as walls only make move actions as already noted. They are dispelled if the figurine is dropped or broken. The coloration returns to normal the following day signifying that the protective function may be used again. Construction
You can't retry knowledge checks, so there's no way to 'keep trying until you get it right' The advanced rogue talent Thoughtful Reexamining allows one reroll per day of a Knowledge skill check. I would use this as a guide and limit. Reading the original item there is no retry mechanic, and the only retry I see in the discussion is for the diplomacy check. I happen to like gnomish items so I will be adapting it for my own use. I'd change it to a once daily item with two abilities. After a reasonable time in discussion it either: 1. allows you (upon a successful Diplomacy check at the end of an hour) to make a single Knowledge check, even previously failed checks and untrained Knowledges, at a +10 insight bonus. or 2. allows you to consult on a single subject (dungeoneering, local, arcana, etc.) A successful Diplomacy at the beginning gets your choice of Knowledge skill. On a failure you can ignore the tankard for no gain or listen to the Knowledge it chooses to impart for a +5 insight bonus for the rest of that day, allowing checks even if you are not trained in that Knowledge. To keep this power in check I'd probably make it either 1d4 hours of conversation or only usable once per week.
Not that I am a hugely successful writer, but +10 to Neil's last point. Write, write, write. Reading Stephen King’s On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft was very helpful to me. Among other things, it is about his approach to writing as well as the mechanics of written language. In this book he references Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style. This book is some of the most dry reading you will ever do, but it can help you learn how to use the written word better. In the end, writing is like anything else. The more you practice the better you become.
Figment of Gnomish Retribution
My self critique: I took the kernel of a good idea and cheesed it up too much. I should have read the auto-reject threads before I submitted, but as it was my first year and I came across the contest fairly late, I learned at my own peril. So I had a SIAC-ish item with alcohol and toys... not too smart. I am mostly concerned with feedback for the writing itself, the mechanics and the pricing. Brutal honesty is appreciated
My top 5, in order: Eye of the Void - Evoking a Cthulhu feel trumps everything and the writing is definitely evocative, using only 15 words of one sentence to do this. Excellent item and something I would use, with a small tweak. Bag of Holes - It's just so useful and practical. It is so innovative that it hits you over the head with 'why didn't I think of that?' The writing is very clear. You picture the item and its usage immediately. Phlebotomist's Gloves - despite the slow start and tough name, the riff on the Hand of Blood power is so wonderfully evil. A great item for a great power. In the hands of a PC it is such a moral quandary especially since it does not differentiate between friend or foe. Shadow Falconer's Glove - I have a soft spot for most anything illusion (shadow) based. The description is solid and I like the effect. I agree with the unseen servant comment though. Imp's Wishbone - The description of the item had me hooked. I didn't need to read the effects, but those (with the tweaks mentioned) are pretty cool too. Honorable mention - Corsage of the Captured Voice - A pretty complex item handled well mechanically. It feels a little stilted or passive voiced in the writing, but the idea is almost strong enough to bring it up to my top 5. Organized Play Characters
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Carcophan
Ulfgar Holderhek