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Just douse yourselves in tea. That's what we do here in the States with any British problems: dump tea on them. It's lead to some minor misunderstandings over the years...
"It's the only way to be sure..."
Tangris holds up his hands. "Dude! I got this. No talking, no deals, no gifts, no f#@king, no taking, no giving. Dude. I will be Ice-Goat."
"Ooo, I can do aggressive."
"Are they allergic to animal dander? Because making people sneeze is kind of my superpower."
Tangris' brow furrows. "Can my concealed weapon be a shotgun?"
Tangris shrugs. "I'll go. Just show me who to hit. I mean, I didn't follow Ken's speech there at all, but I'm really good at hitting things."
Tangris grins. "These guys got the chills from the big bad, then Danny and I took baths. And you say I only get one a year!"
Tangris sniffs. "Vamps ain't so bad. I mean, sure they bit and they're all magically delicious, but you hit them hard enough with a crowbar and they die. Never really met a faery before. Heard they got these guys called the Gruff brothers, right? Goats. Big a$$ goats. I think they'd be pretty cool."
"We represent the Lolly-Pop Guild, the Lolly Pop Guild, the Lolly Pop Guild. And on behalf of the Lolly-Pop Guild, we wish to welcome you to Munch- AGHHH! <SPLASH!>" Tangris' off key singalong to Danny's munchkin song suddenly ends in a splash and spluttering sound as Tangris hits the drink. "HA!" Tangris surfaces with a laugh and a splash as he paddles to stay up. "Joke's on you, song-boy! Wet goat smell never comes out of upholstery!" Still braying like a donkey, he goat paddles his way to shore....
Tangris leans in confidentially. "Chicks dig wet goat. Fact."
"Hooo boy!" Tangris finally catches his breath after the laughter subsides. "Don't worry, Danny! You can sit on my lap. Our love will keep you warm." Tangris grips lopsidedly at Danny.
Tangris looks torn: to push Danny in the drink or not to push Danny in the drink? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous prankery or to take arms against a sea of Danny splashing and by pushing him in, begin them. He shoves Danny in the ocean.
Tangris grins. "Aww, it's sweet when you think I'm charming and handsome enough for two people! I mean, don't sell yourself short, Danny. You'll come into your charm one of these days, I'm sure."
Tangris shakes his head. "So who is this dude that they enjoy throwing overboard so much?"
Tangris grins. "No worries, Danny-me-boy! I'm sure when this one tries, it'll get interesting!"
"Ooo, fancy boat. Do you think Gilligan or the Skipper is on board?" Tangris murmurs.
Tangris, the scent of the sea and the wind rousing him, keeps a close eye on the ship they're following.
"Um, it's best to never talk to Danny or look him in the eye when 'he's working that thing in his hands.' It makes him all nervous and sweaty." Tangris adds with a lopsided smile.
Tangris looks confused at Sal. "What's the deal with boats?"
Tangris looks up from his beer to see everyone leaving without him. He gulps the last glass or two, belches loudly, wipes his mouth with his arm and races outside, nearly colliding with Sal. "Sorry, whatta we doing again?"
"Yeah, I definitely couldn't do it. I mean, she'd totally remember me. I'm unforgettable."
"Tally ho? Dude you people are like Living Monty Python skits!" Tangris grins lopsidedly at Danny.
Nudging Danny, Tangris murmurs "Molly's hot, right?" In a louder voice, "I'll go! I'm distract... ooo check out that waitress! Rowrr!"
"I always wanted a yacht. Big boat, with hammocks and video games. Also a lot of weed."
"Break? If I don't hit something every day, I might forget how..."
Tangris grins and begins climbing the fire escape.
"Fire escape. No escape. Sure, got it!"[/b] Tangris still grins devilishly at Sal.
"I'll cover Sal's rear."
"I made no promises, darling! Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder; and I beheld some beauty!"
"Pub? I'm game!" Tangris perks up at the idea of places where women routinely get intoxicated...
"It's hard to fight in those dresses and funny hats?" Tangris supplied, not at all guiltily.
"I could teach graduate level courses in partying, miss. Among other, more carnal topics..." Tangris leers.
Tangris groans.
"Only that we have a devastatingly handsome gentlemen on our side: me."
Tangris smiles at the question. "I was raised Lutheran. I guess I'm somewhat agnostic on the point of God. Or gods."
"I'm quite fond of the butt..OW!...ressing. As well as everything else I've seen so far." Tangris recovers quickly from the shinning.
Tangris smiles his crooked grin. "Engineering, actually. Though after seeing the beautiful sights around here, I might need to change to biology."
"I look like the old guy from Magnum PI..." Tangris complains, but then wears the hat anyway, looking somewhat pleased with himself. "Do I look like a dude who antagonizes? Does the old dude from Magnum PI antagonize? No, I look like the man, baby!" Still, Tangris stays quiet and lets Sal do the talking.
"People to do? Aw shucks, Sal, you take me to all the nicest places..."
"That's right, once again I am innocent!" Tangris does his best innocence face, but spoils it with his goatish grin. "I'll back up sourpuss if you want. Maybe I can share of my tales of the good life with him while we do?"
"What? What the heck is wrong with enjoying life from time to time?" Tangris grabs a glass of wine and downs it.
"What? Does this place have a buffet? Cause eating and boobies is pretty much the best thing in life."
Tangris suddenly grins. "Our work is being awesome, Sal. And I'm damn good at my work."
"Hey if the lamb and the lion can lie down, why not a goat and a wolf? But settle down, Sal? What would that even look like? And kids... Hell if I know. Never met my parents. My real, honest blood parents, right? Don't know if they were like me or just carried the genes. Don't know if my kids would be goaty or not. Huh." Tangris looks almost pensive for a moment.
Indeed, we Americans have to be different. We gather to celebrate the Pilgrim's flight from religion persecution to becoming religious persecutors, and the Native Americans' kindness in not killing them. Which ultimately led to the white men wiping them out later. Yay for turkey!
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