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See, right naow, Grogan's experiencin' vat uncomfortable feelin' a monster gets when dey've reached vuh point where vere enemy is usually dead, but vuh enemy's still grinnin' all evil-like and swingin' 'is sparkly magic whatnot at yer.... Har har har! Poor blighter!
I suspect Vuh Lusty Fools are 'bout reaty tuh split vis 'ere giant a new a$~+$$@!, as it were! 50 gold shillings on Vuh Lusty Fools!
Har! Har! Har!! 'El Grande' vey calls 'im? Vuh Big One!? Har! Har! Har! Wondah 'ow big 'e feels wif ol' Koran around! Vat bloke's tall as a bloody hill giant, mate! Har! Har! Har! Vese drug lords is outta vere league, says I....
Aye, I know vat, ya greasy pile o' chip oil, yuh! I'm jus' sayin', now comes vuh part o' vuh game where fings is tricky, and whatnot....
'Tall comes topsy-turvey-like, as it were.... Bonus becomes penal'y an' penal'y 'comes bonus, and vat as it were....
And so we come to vuh part o' vuh game where vuh bloody monsters 'ave abilities what punishes vuh players for buffing vem selves afore combat.... Heeheee!
Hehhehehehh.... Fought you might be finkin' vat a-way, mate.... See, vey ain't never fought a right proper great old one afore.... Ithaqua was really just a mythic wendigo, mate--scary, but nuffin' like rumblin' wif a true great old one.... Vese blokes were movin' mountains an' creatin' races an' civilizations eons before vuh rise o' mankind, mate.... Vese Fierce Ones are hard-boiled blokes, no doubtin' vat.... Good as any Hercules, or Jason an' 'es Argonauts ever was.... But vey be fleas compared to ol' Hastur.... Nevermind Cthulhu! Why, I almost wish I was wrong so we could see the Big Boss in action, yeah? Vat would be sumpin' ta stoof popcorn in yer gobs to, mate!
Aye, vem was vuh days, weren't vey, old chum? I've got a wager 'tween me an' vuh Initiative Monkey on vis fight.... You want in on it? Free to one ol' Hastur wins vis one an' sends all vuh Fierce Ones to Bedlam, eh? You in?
Vis mad scientist bloke really doesn't know when to quit, does 'e? I mean, vis is goin' from bad to worse in no time! Har-har!
O' course vey was, mate.... So was Dracula, ya know.... An' vuh Werewolf movies, an' vuh Mummy, an' Frankenstein's Monster was vuh first flesh golem in many an age.... But vuh Creature From vuh Black Lagoon, vat's just Hollywood nonsense, an' so is King Kong.... Skull Island, indeed! Now, vat would be a right proper place for vuh mythic Fierce Ones to take a holiday, wouldn't it!
King Kong? Nar.... 'E was just a movie monster.... Gojira really did destroy Tokyo, shortly after vuh Yanks bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki.... It were vat more'n vuh bloody bombs what made vuh Japs cry uncle in World War Two.... Only vuh concerted efforts of vuh mightiest wu-jens, shugenja, and friendly western wizards brought Godzilla's rampage to an end an' sent 'im back down into vuh Pacific Ocean....
Oy! Looky vere, Babbler! Looks like vuh DM is gonna frow old Godzilla into vuh story! Hurray!! Vem old monster movies are quite fit, ain't vey! I wonder if Mothra and Rodan and Mechagodzilla 'll be showin' up tuh stomp Tokyo inta dust.... Vat would make a right proper mythic adventure for the ol' Fierce Ones, wouldn't it!
No pressure, Derrik.... giggles ID at the results of Morbenlok's potential exhalation....
Rare jewels change claws among the intellect devourers, those betting on the FOs hopping with joy, those betting against glumly turning over their losings....
A score or more brain-like monsters like the one the FOs fought in the keep in Scotland are among the throng....
Yar, mate! A right bloody good show! Ain't seen vese blokes challenged in a long while.... Since you an' I nearly whipped 'em, I'd say....
Slinking away from Derrik, ID grumbles under his breath.... Shut yer bloody holes, Babbler....it ain't funny, I say....
The ID screams shrilly as the axe blade falls dangerously close.... EEEEEEEEEK!!
*Blush* I never! My screams are very manly! Little girl, indeed! And that trap was brilliant! *Snort*
Hmph! You always were a soft....and squishy....
No.... Not really! Especially as they KILL'T us, you babblin' moron!
Now why would ye tells 'em to look out? 'Ave ye forgot it was them what killed us?
Oh, right, 'cause VUH Crusty Mustard ain't gross at all, mate.... Har! Har! Har!
Nar, it should just be Crusty Mustard, mate! No VUH, right? As in Queen, or Led Zeppelin, or Pink Floyd....
Crusty Mustard.... I rather like that.... That's wot we ought name our band, mate! Crusty Mustard!!
@ hell hound getting run over: HOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEE!!! Bloody brilliant! Says 'e escaped an' lived 'appily ever af, 'e did! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Aw, b!~#!$#s! Vat means no....
Yeah, maybe Cthulhu brings us back, 'cause 'e misses our witty banter?
If ya doont eat yer meat, yer carnt have any pudding! How carn ye have any pudding if ye doont eat yer meat? Har! Har! Couldn't resist, ye know.... Even though I'm dead, an' all....
Aw, fook! So close to escapin', I was! To bloody hell wif paladins an' ovuh do-gooders what be 'atin' on us evil monsters.... Evil is sexy, ya knoo.... Get wif vuh times, mate....
Dawnbringer cleaves the brain-like body of the monster into left and right hemispheres with a mighty chop! Thus ends the evil existence of the Intellect Devourer of The Lady's Keep....
Using its reduce size spell-like ability defensively (DC 17)....
The ID shrinks down to size Tiny, and then darts between Derrik's legs, who is flat-footed as he hasn't acted yet in this combat, so he cannot make an AoO.... Scuttling past Koran and Krar (both also flat-footed).... And out of the northwest chamber, into the central chamber where the well and stairway await.... Telepathically: See you bloody gits in vuh funny papers, I will! Ta-ta! Har! Har!
Oy! Vats very good, indeed! So far, I go before vuh only bloke what 'as a melee weapon in 'and, meanin' I can skid by without provokin' AoOs on me turn, as it were.... Now I only 'ope 'at great big bastard wif vuh bloody 'ammer doont go before me....
Yer bloody well right 'bout vat, mate! Tee-hee! I've taken 67 points o damage, which leaves me wif 17 hp to run on.... Wif my spiffy 22 AC, I reckon I still got a right good chance o skirtin' past vese blokes 'n makin' good my escape, as it were....
Initiative
Har! Har! I managed to wriggle me way out once again, I did! Ol' ordinary, run-o-vuh-Bestiary ID lives to fight another day, 'e does!.... D'ye like 'ow I tricked 'em inna goon doon where all vat natural gas had built up.... I reckon I owes a debt o fanks to my ol' mate, Babbler.... All 'is fartin' n' belchin' has added up to Savin' me life in vuh end....
Telepathically: Whoopsy! Didn't see vat comin', I'll reckon.... Well, I'll jus' be goin' on me little ol' way now.... 'Scuse me.... Attempting to cast defensively and turn invisible....
The ID disappears! A barely audible scuttling sound suggests that it is scurrying toward the exit of the lightless vault....
As the light is first glimmering off the unearthed treasure, the ID snatches up a piece of flint and a steel chain link lying inconspicuously near the sarcophagus.... Telepathically: To really appreciate vuh luster of vuh treasure, ya gots to 'ave a wee bit o' fire to reflect off vuh jewels an' what-not.... Wouldn't want to rob ye of vuh pleasure of watchin' firelight dancin' n' sparklin' in the facets o' vuh jewels n' gems n' such.... It strikes the flint and steel together, creating a spark that ignites the built up, invisible, tasteless, odorless gas that fills the subterranean vault, in a bright explosion of orange, purple, and yellow flames! The searing flames deal fire damage to everyone in the cellar! A successful DC 20 Reflex save halves the damage....
Telepathically: It's right inside that sarcophagus wif vuh armored lady on vuh lid, mates.... Now, er.... Ye will let me go free, right?
Telepathically: Yeah! Now you've got vuh right varmint.... Right ugly creature, if ye ask me.... but somehow still not so ugly as a manatee.... Wonder why 'at is.... Maybe 'coos manatees is fat an' has whiskers....
Sense Motive vs DC 24.... Telepathically: R-really? Y-you'll let me live?.... Oh, thank you, kind sir! You.... You won't be disappointed, I promise.... 'Eres a cloak what turns ye into a manta ray, right handy in the water, I reckon, an' a magic helmet what makes underwater explorin' a great deal easier for landlubbers like ourselves, sir.... An' potions what 'elp air-breathers breathe water, an' potions what makes it easier to move inna water.... If you fine gentlemen an' lady will keep yer word not to 'urt me no more, I'll take yous straight to it, I will!
The ID makes a desperate bid to escape! Casting defensively, it attempts to use its spell-like ability to reduce its size to shrink down to size Tiny.... Concentration vs DC 17....failing miserably! It trembles and seems to almost wither with fear and frustration....
Telepathically: Of course! Yes! Vhere's a bloody choice cache of magical goodies stashed down in a secret place in vuh cellar below.... I'll take ye straight to it, mates.... Just give me yer word ye won't 'urt me no more, an' I'll take ye straight away!
"The Hammer" lives up to his nickname, and again pounds the Intellect Devourer flat, for 26 bludgeoning damage after DR! The ID broadcasts a pitiful wail of agony! Telepathically: AAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOUUUUUCH!!!! *SOB*
Telepathically: Um.... I....s'pose I could start goin' to church more regular like....an', uh....maybe I could, like, volunteer at the humane society, or some-such, 'n spend some time playin' wif puppies an' kittens, an' old folks, an what-not?
Don't forget to recalculate me current hp when ye get home from work tonight, GM.... Remember, I'm fireproof.... immunity to fire, vat is.... an' you might've added some of Dr Grimm's firebomb damage to me runnin' damage total as an oversight, as it were.... I've got problems enough as it is, as ye can see, without 'avin' to worry 'bout stoned GMs addin' fire damage to vem what 'as immunity to fire, if ye know what I'm sayin'?
Reeling from the total-body pain inflicted on him by Koran's mighty hammer (even considering DR), the ID opts to burn its final cure moderate wounds for the day (ever), casting defensively.... Concentration check vs DC 19....fails! The pain and anxiety is too great! The ID cannot manage to gather the wits to heal itself again without drawing attacks of opportunity through the haze of pain.... Telepathically: NOOOO!!! I can't die!!! I beg you!!! Please, don't 'urt me anymore!!! I'll.... I'll tell ye where vere's treasure!!! Lots 'n lots of treasure!!! MAGICAL treasure!!! Just don't 'urt me no more wif 'at axe an' 'at 'ammer!!! I promise I'll be good!!! I promise!!! Bluff check ('bout vuh bein' good part, o' course)....
The terrible pain!.... So that's what it feels like to have yer entire body smashed beneath a giant bloody meat-tenderizer!.... Must try to focus..... Must try to think of what to do....through the terrible, terrible pain.... The ID casts defensively....concentration check vs DC 17....to reduce itself in size, shrinking down to the size of a rat.... Now sizeTiny, it can pass through the squares of Medium or larger creatures without provoking AoOs, and it scurries out of the alcove, down a stair-like crevasse in the stone wall, and darts underfoot past Derrik, Koran, et al, through the doorway into the chamber where the rest of The Fierce Ones are assembled, and over to the threshold of the archway leading back into the entry hallway.
Well, vat more or less does it for me, doesn't it.... Fookin' hippy chick an' 'er invisibility purge.... Invisibility is me only defense, as it were, an' she waltzes in an' fooks me in me arse, she does.... Oh well, after all, I'm nobody special.... Just a garden variety, run-o-the-Bestiary Intellect Devourer.... Doont even 'ave a bloody proper name, as it were, even though I was three bloody CRs higher than that stupid gas-bag The Babbler in the Stairwell.... The Farter in the Stairwell's what they ought called 'im, truth be told.... 'Orrible gas, that one.... And, like, six bungholes through which to expell it, no less.... And poor me, livin' downstairs from 'im for, like, vuh last four moons, mate.... Disgoostin' is what it is.... |