A Story? Ah, I got plenty! Alexandra giggles.
So, I did actually meet my Patron in the flesh, not knowing the was a Succubus, let alone a fairly friendly one. But basically, let me narate you the kind of poem, it doesnt actually rhyme, that got her attention! You see, she comissioned a bunch of poets to write about something called the 5th crusade on a different material plane called Golarion, which has like 2 different holes to the Abyss but is otherwise like our own, and there is an epic showdown between the heroes and the evil Demon Lord Baphomet.
So, I had the Barbarian Bloodrager speak the followings words
With surprising ease, Alexandras voice drops by about 3 octaves.
Pah, Bapho-määäht,
you claim to be all monsters lord
you who cant slay a small hedgehog
with the ungainly mass of thy butt
Asmodeus shits and your army eats
Nocticula pisses and a bath is what you seek
as is clear for all by thy rancid stench
your failed, as shit has glued you to a bench
And your title of all minotaurs father?
Come to think of it, arent you a goat rather?
Are though mating with one cow of power
before who your genes do cower?
But hath thee even great deeds done?
Mighty foes killed, even one?
You mightiest deed, to hear you hate
is merely fraud of real estate
Not even do you own your symbol unholy
Copied you did it, from Archdevils moly
Least creative demon though aret
Not a single creative bone in thy heart
But alas my code compels me to threaten and fight
Thus I will launch my final slight
You tiny horns my axe shall reave
and into your smelly rear then cleave
So come at me you määhgpie-cow
so that your blood shall freely flow
but hurry up, sealed is your fate
and I would rather have with my date!
She pauses and returns to her normal voice.
The Demonlord Nocticula, who was as a matter of fact dating that Barbarian-Bloodrager, was sufficiently amused that she joinked the parties halfing Paladin as the paladin was near death, enchanted his armor with the returning quality, and used the Paladin as a thrown weapon to kill Baphomet, by repeatedly throwing said Paladin into Baphomets private parts. Not permanently sadly, but the goatlord spent the next year and day hiding in his fortress and clutching his balls, or what was left of them.
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"Bummer, dude," Yuk Yuk looked disappointed. He moved to watch Spiderbait examine the loot on the bed. "Anything good?"
The other goblin shook his head, looking up. His eyes widened, and he said, "Woah, dudes! You guys have all kinds of magic stuff!" He looked a bit hurt as he took the lens down. His voice lower, he said, "You should have insisted on more than just stories."
However, stories they had in plenty, as Ksenia served a tasty meal. Stool happily donated spoors - to goblins put a relatively clean cloth down, and the myconid sat in the middle. He puffed up, then "breathed out", blowing spoors onto the cloth. The goblins seemed happy with their sudden bounty.
Shuushar looked pensive, and after a long moment told this tale:
Long ago, a wise queen ruled her land, where the sun was gentle and the rains were kind. Her husband was strong and loving, and her people adored them. However, what the queen didn't know was that her sister had seduced her husband, and lay with him whenever the queen was in court. When the queen found out, she was incensed, and blamed her sister entirely. In fury she turned her sister into a fish-woman, and sent her to live in the deep waters. The sister was furious that the queen forgave her husband, and only punished her, and she grew bitter and hateful. She taught her children to bite and fight, and to hate everything that lived on land.
This is, of course, one story of the origin of our deity, Blibdoolpoolp. It is continued heresy by my people, but I have meditated long upon it.
The derro cackled, then recited this poem:
There once was a human named Bates
Who was dancing the mambo on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
"So this one time there were some very brave svirfneblin who got captured by a mean drow with a big bum and ugly face, but they were way smarter than her, and tied her shoes together and so she tripped on her big ugly face, and then they escaped, and she was so mad, and from then on her face looked like her big ugly bum."
She looked up at Alexandra, as if hoping for her approval, but Topsy rolled his eyes. He couldn't, however, be convinced to try one of his own.
Jimjar pointed to a scar on his right cheek and said, "Here's a story. I once picked a fight with Kord Hammer-hand."
The twins gasped in surprise. Turvy said, "You didn't! He's the strongest hobgoblin in Blingdenstone! He'd have killed you!"
Jimjar laughed, "He nearly did! It was absolute idiocy on my part. My uncle made a bet, 15 to 1 odds, that a svirfneblin could never knock him out. I couldn't resist! 15 to 1 odds! Imagine!" He shook his head in regret.
Once everybody had eaten, Yuk Yuk said, "So, where are you dudes heading? The Gap is long and wide, and there are tunnels all over the place. The Silken Webs can take you to any of them."
Turvy my dear! Alexandra exclaims,
You forgot an important part! she pauses,
You see, she actually does not truely have a big butt, she has a butt that is so ugly it got confused with an ooze! And when she sat on a toilet, where, incidentally, there was an ooze in it, said ooze beheld her butt, and saw the lady of his life! Immidiatly, the ooze crawled upwards! Alexandra phantomimes,
Heroically dodging her shit, in search of his one and only true love! Very narrowly he made it, attaching himself to her ooze looking butt, and now they are actually ooze-married! The carrier of course, a certain Ilvara Oozebut-Nipplehands knows little of this, although she thinks her butt is now great becaue a lot of people look at it! She pauses again.
As a matter of fact, her "looking like an ooze butt" is a much nicer entity then she is. I have heard that some people theorize that a wizard came up with a funny way to prank Mindflayers, by magically transposing ones arse with ones brain, and having the Squiggleheads basically eat shit, and Mrs. Ilvara-Butt-Ooze-Shit-for-brains-Nipplehands may be the product of the drow trying to copy such a ritual!
Alexandra strives, as nearly always, to make people laugh.
Kalanzar's story concerned the stars. He talked about the constellations, about the Moon and its cycles, about the Goddesses of Darkness that protect us in the night and in any darkness...
When asked where we are going, Kalanzar will hopefully ask if the goblins nearby know the way to the surface?
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When asked where they were headed, Maddy offered a song in response. Maddy liked to sing but wasn't very good at it. To any ear, whether familiar with music or not, it was very plain that she was flat most of the time and the rest of the time she was sharp. Rarely was the young woman actually singing the true note.
We'll find our way back Home
Time to go Home
Every chance we take will lead us through the Unknown
Home
Tears stain your eyes
But you didn't give up the fight
And now the fear won't paralyze
So leave your broken satellite
Every breath is a chance to know yourself
And show them what you're made of now
Forgiveness is the sweetest sound
One step closer
We're looking out for brighter days
One step closer
We'll find our way back Home
Time to go Home
Every chance we take will lead us through the Unknown
Home
Actual song sang waaaay better than Maddy could do - I only posted lyrics from part of it
Maddy added after she was finished, "Shuushar was leading us to the closest place he knew of to access the surface so that we can go home. Do you dudes know of a closer exit?"
Alexandra assists maddy in her performance, partly by singing along, offering her own skills in singing to assist Maddy.
Whoop, a hidden artistic side! Nice! What is a Satellite though? She thinks
I shall refrain from trying to teach you astrophysics
He patrons answers.
The two goblins looked at each other, spoke in low tones, then said, "Pretty sure there's a way to the top from Blindingstone. But that's a long way, dudes. Past Dark Lake, and that's a big lake. But we can get you to a tunnel that will lead you to Sloobludop."
Spiderbait rolled his shoulders, and stood up. "That's for the excellent chow, bruh. You cook good for a daylighter." Looking to the others, he said, "Ready to go?"
Ksenia smiles at the compliments to the chef and sets to putting away her cooking kit as she hums a few bars of an old Dwarven marching song, "All roads lead to the sky..." she sings softly as she readies to leave.
Back into surfaceland,
the heroes boldly march
dumb stupid nipplehands
will only see their arse
Alexandra hums along as she gets ready to march as well.
With march she means chill out of the floating disk, because she still got the shakes.
Shaking for 9 more hours
no darkvision for 1
"Woah, dudes! You guys have all kinds of magic stuff!"
Maddy knew from her brother that magical items were often helpful but sometimes difficult to identify. "Can you tell what the magic stuff does too? Or can you just tell that they contain magic?"
"We know about some of the items but I don't think we know what everything is or does."
Her face brightened when Yuk Yuk and Spiderbait shared that they could get them on the right path to Sloobludop which was one step closer to the surface. Little by little she was on her way home! She grabbed the backpack they found along with the items she had claimed, "Ready!"
Kalanzar nods his head. We should move. If they get on our trail, the web will be their ally, not their enemy. There's no time to waste. Let's go!
Spiderbait nods in response to Maddy's question. "Let me guess, you want that information for free, right dude?" He rolls his eyes, but does it anyway.
I'll give you all the deets here without rping it out. I'll assume you show him everything.
Spear of warning: Advantage on Initiative rolls. You and your friends within 30 feet can’t be surprised as long as you’re not incapacitated. The magic weapon will automatically wake you up if you are sleeping naturally when combat begins.
Socks: Warm cozy socks! The wearer can’t be too cold, gains resistance vs cold 1/day, but the socks are sentient and complain about your odour and cleanliness. They only work as a pair.
Three rings in the burgundy pouch Kalanzar is holding.
Ring of Spell Snatching- whenever you succeed in casting counterspell, you can absorb the spell that was cast and gain a spell slot equal to the spell's level. This may be done once per day.
Ring of water walking. You get it.
Ring of banana: Once per day can shout BANANA (loudly!!), and one appears in your hand. Eat it for 2d4 HP, and toss the skin down and everybody within 5” makes a Dex save DC 13 or fall prone. This takes up your standard and move action.
If you claim an item, please describe it for us.
The goblins cover their light, and it is dark again. The diverse group, now larger by 2 members, makes their way carefully back out onto the webs. Their rest on solid ground had eased the memory a little of the swaying, springy web-ropes, on which they now had to entrust their footing, and their lives. Alexandra finds the going very difficult, as she is still suffering from sporadic tremors and shaking due to her unholy transformation. She knows that was a trick that can't be repeated - if her patron tries it again, it will kill her.
The goblins urges them to silence, and leads them off into the dark. The void is all around, swallowing sound. The goblins don't grease their feet, as the way they take you is sloping upwards. Often you have to move from one strand, sideways onto another that takes you in the right direction. After about twenty minutes, the goblins lead you to a make-shift web ladder. It hangs in the darkness, leading up past the range of darkvision.
A ring of Banana? This must be a sign from Nocticula herself, given my earlier exploits! Alex claims the Banana ring.
Unfortunately, shaking as I am I am incredibly unlikely to make it over the lattice. I am too heavy to be carried, constantly damn.
Can we rig up a harness for Sir Tubbyrubs? There is plenty of rope here, and I could use another Silent image using the Yza-Badger?
She asks at the feet of the ladder.
Kalanzar stops and gestures for the others to freeze. Then he turns to the goblins. We are going in a circle and still not far from your lair. I would advise you to explain what is going on. His voice sounds rather cold.
Spiderbait nods in response to Maddy's question. "Let me guess, you want that information for free, right dude?"
Maddy ducked her head a bit and shrugged, "I could arm wrestle you for the information if you'd prefer."
Maddy was beginning to feel something was off when Kalanzar voiced a similar thought. She sensed something stir deep within herself and it was not happy. She wrestled with her inner turmoil while she waited for the goblins to answer the druid. She would not allow them to take advantage of the others and there was something tantalizing about painting the webs with their blood.
She placed her hand on the hilt of her sword and moved closer to Yuk Yuk and Spiderbait.
Ksenia blithely keeps marching ahead, scouting ahead a bit in order to make sure they don't run into any surprises.
Yuk Yuk stopped dead at the menace in Kalanzar's voice. Looking offended, he said, "This place is a maze of webs. But some parts are more dangerous than others. We had to go around a patch of decayed web to avoid falling through. Now we go up. There's no straight line path to where you want to go. But if you don't trust us, we'll head back. Not like we're making any coin off this job."
As far as I am concerned, if they wanted to backstab us they could have done so much easier and risk freeer then what they are doing. Also, the underdark is 3 dimensional, we did went a fair bit up.
Alex seeks to reduce tensions.
Kalanzar feels embarrassed. On the one hand, the stories of everyone he grew up with say one thing - the Underdark is a monstrously dangerous place full of lies, surprise attacks and betrayals. On the other hand, he did not spend so much time somewhere outside the usual forests and the social circle of their small commune in order to understand other people and their actions well. And he would not like to convict an innocent person...
In the end, the drow decides to just rely on his instincts. He tries to listen to himself, whether he sensed falseness or uncertainty in the goblins' voice. Maybe they're lying. Maybe they are telling the truth, but they hide that they are poorly oriented here. Or maybe the druid raised a panic in vain and all this is true.
Who's pulling/hoisting the badger up the ladder?
Alex is using her charm, and the Yza-Badger, to keep the Badger friendly.
I apologize, my friends. We've already seen too much evil here. This makes us suspicious, but I see that I was wrong. It won't happen again. Kalanzar makes a slight bow towards the goblins. Shall we continue on our way?
Maddy immediately moves her hand from hilt of her sword as Yuk Yuk and Spiderbait give a reasonable explanation for them seemingly going in circles.
She shakes her head a bit as if to remove her previous thoughts from her mind. If she had given in to her initial impulse, they would be without their guides. She would need to be more vigilant.
She looks up the ladder and then over at their new badger friend. She had had to pull a few errant sheep out of the occasional fissure but never anything as big as their badger. "If we can make Sir Tubbyrubs a harness, I can try pulling him up."
The goblins seemed appeased by the apology, and lead the way up the "ladder". Topsy and Turvy work together put Ziyad's harness on the badger, and aside from a few startled grunts, Sir Tubbyrubs seems more-or-less content to be hoisted up. Maddy climbs last, in case something goes wrong with the harness rig, she or the badger don't take anybody else down with them.
The climb is terrifying for some. The spidersilk ladder is long enough to really emphasize how high the Silken Roads are. It's a blessing that you can't see the bottom.
As they climb, Spiderbait softly points something out to you. Tangled up in the webs off to your right is an enormous skeleton, glowing softly with phosphorescence. .
Alex has another round of shakes on the ladder, but manages to wrap her arms into the spidersilk and hang on until it passes. Beneath her, Maddy also clings tightly, slightly off-balance due to the weight of the badger hanging from her, but the farm-girl is strong, and she is able to keep climbing.
The ladder climbs up and up, but soon the goblins "step off" onto a seemingly random stretch of webs. "Almost there," Yuk Yuk says, then he scoops some goop from the gourd at his belt and slathers it onto the soles of his boots. "Anybody want to surf?"
The remains of something that looks like a dragon are very impressive to Kalanzar. He looks at them for about a minute, then says
I hope that some kind of disease killed him, and not the spiders that we can still meet here.
_____
Drow will smile in response to this suggestion. Of course I want to try. To be impolite twice is to disgrace my family. So let's surf!
Kalanzar will carefully study exactly how goblins move, how they rub their soles, which racks they take in order to slide better, which areas they avoid after starting their surfing - and only after that will try to repeat the trick, trying to do everything 1 in 1 like them.
Alexandra, deep down, knows she probably should not do this, given her currently shaky condition. But, she cant, resist! Like, how often do you get to surf on a spider web? *Munches Popcorn* No spontaneous bat transformations if you fail, I need to regain some nutrients before I can plausibly pull that stunt again
Her thoughts race as the, heavily assaulted and rather smol common sense part of her brain struggles to prevail, looking for reasons to not do this!
Yza, allow me to provide an extra stimulust to your popcorn consumption Alex thinks, giggling slightly.
You got the effing shakes, dont tell that you will...
Of course you will, well, I kind of raised you, but I do have questions about the parenting style of your parents.
I was adopted!
Then about your adoptive... He patron tries to make her be cautious but...
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
She squeals, with fun outdoing terror, as she surfs behind Yuk-Yuk.
She narrowly makes her will save to not try squat-dancing while surfing on a spiderweb, as she surfingly glides her way downwards, her exhilaration partly overcoming her shakes, even though, was she not shaking, she would have made it look as if she professional at that.
Maddy looked at the grease and then looked at the badger she had just hauled up the ladder. "I would love to give it a try but I don't think everyone in our party can surf the webs. I'll stay and travel with those who can't."
Ksenia is awed by the dragon skeleton, something that she'd only ever heard about in books and bards' tales before now. Maybe the Underdark isn't all bad. She thinks to herself. There are terrors and pain but also wonders to be sure.[/b]
But her thoughtfulness pops like a balloon at the mention of surfing down the spider web. She takes the exact opposite approach of Kalanzar, not paying attention in the least to what the goblins do as she's too excited to get started. She slaps an obscene quantity of goop onto her boots and with a whoop dives forward without a further thought.
... and immediately regrets that decision as she plummets out of control down the webs.
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*10 = 40 feet.
*10 = 10 feet.
As several of the party members enthusiastically took to the webs, Jimjar looked alarmed and shook his head. To Maddy, he said, "Bet you our next night-watch that we lose one of them."
The halfling, exhausted from the climb, allowed herself to be convinced to ride on Sir Tubbyrubs, since the twins wanted to try surfing. Buppido, a mad glint in his eye, also availed himself of the grease and took off down the webs. Maddy, Jimjar, Shuushar and the badger followed along carefully, especially as the webs were slipperier now.
As for the surfers....
Topsy flew down the webs after the goblins, hooting with laughter. Turvy followed after Alexandra, giggling as the warlock turned her shaking to her advantage, and shimmied her way down the webs.
Kalanzar, taking a more thoughtful approach, watched the goblins carefully, and was able to mimic their descent enough to stay out of trouble. Ziyad was unable to keep his feet, but his harness rig kept him from falling, and he ended up ziplining his way down to the webs.
Ksenia and Buppido had less luck. Or rather, they had plenty of bad luck. Ksenia, grease dripping in globs from her feet, made it about ten meters down the webs before her feet went out from under her. She managed to butt-slide for a few more meters before the web snapped beneath her, and she tumbled down into the dark.
Buppido had a split-second warning before hitting the empty patch where Ksenia had been a moment before. Dwarf and derro reached out to catch themselves, but their hands found nothing but darkness.
Buppido's fall was short; he tangled up in some webbing a mere 10 feet down. Ksenia fell for longer, but it wasn't half as bad as it could have been. She could still see Maddy and the others above her when she finally came to rest in a thick patch of webbing, some 40 feet below.
@GM how far away are the downsurfers? Mostly asking if we are still in communication by normal speech, or if shouting is neccessary etc.
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Team surf basically went down a hill on rollerskates at top speed, whie 2 people bailed at the top of the hill. Shouting would be necessary.
In fact, Ksenia, make a Will Save to avoid screaming/shouting as you fall. DC 12
Ksenia screams into the void as she tumbles and sighs in relief as the webs catch her before falling any further.
She immediately sets to struggling against the webbing:
...and does not budge the webbing the least.
Maddy looked down at Jimjar, "How do bets works when I agree with you?"
No sooner had the words left her lips than Ksenia was screaming as she plummeted into the darkness. Maddy carefully picked her way over to where the dwarf had disappeared to get a better look at where Ksenia had landed. She cupped her hands around her mouth and called down, "Are you guys alright?" She then spoke over her shoulder at Jimjar and Shuushar, Given the badger's size, do you think he'd be able to pull her up? We could lower one end of the rope."
Did the scream attract anything? Kalanzar listens intently and carefully, trying to catch the sounds of movement in the endless darkness around.
Kalanzar, skidding inexpertly to a stop when he hears Ksenia scream, looks back and is just able to see the results of her disaster. Holding still, he hears the sounds of movements on the webs below.
Jimjar looks down and sees that Ksenia is well and truly tangled. "She doesn't have a hand free to grab a rope," he says with a sigh. "Somebody will need to go down there."
Trouble. We were spotted. It's somewhere below. He utters the last words already growling and transforming into a lizard, which immediately rushes to help.
Jimjar looks down and sees that Ksenia is well and truly tangled. "She doesn't have a hand free to grab a rope," he says with a sigh. "Somebody will need to go down there."
It didn't take a smart person to deduce who was going to need to go down and help Ksenia. "I don't need to bet you who that someone is. I'll go. It's up to you and Shuushar to steady Sir Tubbyrubs because he's going to be our anchor. I'll lower myself down on a rope attached to him."
Maddy walked over to Sir Tubbyrubs face and looked him in the eye. "We need your help to help our friends," she said in a calming voice. "Don't move unless Jimjar wants you to."
The young woman took the rope she had used to haul the badger up the rope and began to lower herself down towards Ksenia.
The "surfers" found the next few moments an exhilarating ride. The webs weren't particularly steep, but the grease on their feet made it seem like they were sliding down a steep hill. They followed the goblins, even hopping from one web to another as necessary. Soon they saw the cliff face loom ahead of them - they had made it across! The goblins guided them perfectly, and the last set of webs brought them directly into an open tunnel mouth.
Stopping, of course, was difficult, but within moments Alexandra, Topsy, Turvy, Spiderbait and Yuk Yuk were heaped together in the cavern, breathless and trying to untangle themselves. Ziyad, attached as he was by a ring to the web above him, ended up not being able to switch webs at will, and ended up heading for the cliff face about 15 feet to the left of the cavern mouth. Stool shrieked, clinging tightly to his head, and projected the image of the upcoming cliff wall. Many flinched in anticipation, but Ziyad was able to get his legs in front of him, and took the impact without too much damage.
Stool, however, immediately began ranting about trouble, coming from up-web.
Meanwhile, Maddy tied a length of web around herself, and harnessed it to the badger. She then climbed down carefully towards Ksenia. The derro struggled and cursed her. "Help me first! I'm closer, come on, cut me free!"
Kalanzar's warning cut through his protestations. Maddy peered around, but could see little past the dim light cast by her makeshift lantern.
Topsy Turvy, I currently cant see in the dark, finger gun maneuver! Provide cover for our friends
Alexandra spoke as she held out her hands, the right one glowing with eldritch power.