I know a certain Calistrian prostitute that's going to be slightly miffed you don't remember her performance. *laughs*
She thought you had something special :P
Height
*whistles* 5'10", 140 lbs of Cha 18 half elf bard. Dang...
Kindly tell me what you think.
*edit I just saw the natural weapon combat style for ranger. That would be so cool with her in ranger form!
Lets see if I've got everybody, please tell me if I miss someone.
Grayson Osolins - Human Male Conjurer (Teleportation)
Sev Granger - Human Male Gunslinger
Thalia "Winterflower" - Half-elf Female Bard
Mikam Orlovski - Human Male Sorcerer (Void touched)
Grung Razortongue - Hobgoblin Male Ranger (Guide)
Cyean - Half-elf Cavalier (Gendarme, Beast rider)
Zandru the Unborn - Human Male Sorcerer (Dreamspun)
Raxus half-blooded - Half-ogre Male Barbarian (Mounted fury)
Felina Dubrosky - Female Half-elf Druid
Kyndall Aldori - ¿Human? Male Fighter (Aldori swordlord)
Noctos Melwasúl - Tiefling Male Magus (Bladebound, Kensai)
Saradac Honorblade - Dwarf Male Monk (Zen archer)
Toanga - Male Human Cleric (Ng the Hooded)
Chee - Goblin Male Rogue
Rusalka - Tiefling Female Ninja
Rune - ¿? ¿? ¿Alchemist?
Height 2d8 + 60 ⇒ (4, 6) + 60 = 70
*whistles* 5'10", 140 lbs of Cha 18 half elf bard. Dang...
You can always not randomize those things *wink*
I think a 5'10" tall drink of lady it's rather cool. 26 was a random number, too, just from my home die.
I prefer not to play younger characters, as I'm closer to 30 than 25. But, when I do play younger characters, I play that age to the hilt as I do all my roleplay, actually. Heh.
Appearance is the only thing that is random at first level with point buy. I like to keep that sense of wonder from back when we had to roll dice for points like savages :P
Kyndall Aldori
As Kyndall grew older, he realised that he had a choice ahead of him. His family were not nearly powerful enough for him to simply live as a noble, he would have to find gainful employment of some description. The obvious choice was to become a Hellknight, but if he was honest, he thought that they would be far too strict and didn't allow him to show enough of his individual flair. It was about the time he had to make this decision that an Aldori swordlord passed through his town. No one even knew he was there until a drunk noble offended him and was pushed to a duel. Knowing the noble by reputation, Kyndall decided to head along and watch the spectacle, if only to say that he'd seen an Aldori swordlord in motion.
It was a massacre. The noble, not a bad swordsman himself, was disarmed within seconds, deep cuts scored across his chest and legs and he expired moments later. Kyndall was deeply impressed. He didn't get a chance to speak to the swordlord, for he departed as soon as the duel was done. It didn't take much investigation to discover a caravan that would take him from Cheliax to Brevoy and so he packed some belongings, took what gold he could from the family vaults and headed for his new home.
It took several years for him to become an Aldori, by which time he'd largely forgotten his family. He'd never bothered to correspond with them, and found present company to be far more amenable. Only a few months after 'graduating', he heard about the trip to the Stolen Lands. Although he was tempted to sign up, he heard through some contacts he had made during his time in Brevoy that a similar expedition was going to be sponsored by Pitax. Intrigued, the young swordlord sent out some feelers to see what was expected there.
It was to his considerable surprise that one of the senior swordlords approached him with an offer. They too had learned of Pitax's mirror mission and wanted someone on that expedition. Any wealth or power that he accumulated on this mission would be his to keep, but on the condition that he try to funnel power back to Brevoy instead of Pitax. And that is how an Aldori swordlord finds himself in Pitax, embarking on a mission for their King.
As a Chelaxian noble, he has a love of the fine arts although his time in Brevoy has lessened that to a degree, given the amount of hard work he has had to undertake to earn the name Aldori. However, he know has an opportunity to craft a kingdom where he can use his ill-gotten gains in order to indulge his fantasies.
Despite all of this, he is a hard working man who recognises that fame, fortune and power will not come to him without some work. It is for this reason that he has signed on for Pitax's mission, with the intention of playing both sides against one another.
He has a piercing stare that can cut into a man, and gives off an air of supreme confidence.
Sev's never hunted bandits, but the idea intrigues him. People might be the deadliest prey of all...
Sev's prime motivation is to prove to himself and the world that he's more than a stuffed shirt and to explore the line between death and life.
Is this game going to parallel, or is there going to be a crossover with the KM group eventually?
If I have figured the difference between British Summer Time and Central Daylight (Savings) Time correctly, less than six hours remain till closing.
About Zandru's rich man and his invitation: If I am selected it can be modified, of course, to the needs of the campaign. Right now he's suspected by Zandru of being a courtier to the King of Pitax and in his service. Neither needs to be true, and the invite to the palace can also be easily changed to any location the DM prefers. As to a campaign trait, none suggested by Hu5tru seem quite right for him. I'll leave Pioneer from the Kingmaker Player's Guide (slightly modified) as that trait for now and if selected we can see what will work for you.
Good luck to my worthy competition of wizards, sorcerers, and alchemists, assuming that there is a full arcarnist slot to be filled.
Thanks for the chance given here.
Here's an appropriate question - how uptight are you about encumbrance? because even taking a mwk Backpack so she can carry more stuff, Thalia is too weak to carry rations, and she needs a musical instrument to be of any use to the party.
*laughs*
First one is stats related. Have you already decided how do you want Zandru's build to evolve? Full sorcerer? Maybe a dip into rogue?
Second one, have you some ideas for Zandru's not so recent past? I'm all for characters growing during the game but would like to hear your ideas for it.
Third one, if you are able to establish your kingdom which would be Zandru's more fitting role in the government?.
First one is stats related. Have you already decided how do you want Graison's build to evolve? Full wizard I'm guessing, am I right?
Second one, how would Grayson feel if his father was found out to be the secret patron? And if he appeared trying to get advantage of his son fortunes? Does he have any other acquitances in Brevoy or the River Kingdoms?
Third one, if you are able to establish your kingdom which would be Grayson's more fitting role in the government?.
First one is stats related. Have you already decided how do you want Mikam's build to evolve? Full sorcerer? Maybe a dip into rogue or other class?
Second one, have you some ideas for Mikam's not so recent past? I'm all for characters growing during the game but would like to hear your ideas for it. Maybe some acquitances not so... unfriendly as Tuvic.
Third one, if you are able to establish your kingdom which would be Mikam's more fitting role in the government?.
Yes, but summon instrument is a standard action that is needed to start her performances at first level, and thus it is an issue of economy of actions that makes me less inclined to know the spell. I count myself a fairly good social roleplayer, but that does not mean that my mechanics are completely unbalanced.
And yeah, I was thinking I could ask politely if someone would be willing to haul my bulkier loot for me. Getting rid of that bedroll and blanket would make a huge difference.
In my skype game, I bought a donkey. Her name was Starla. Starla got left behind when we upgraded to horses and she couldn't keep up. *laughs*
Oh, the fun I will have with this character. :P
I know a certain Calistrian prostitute that's going to be slightly miffed you don't remember her performance. *laughs*
I had assumed that Toanga couldn't afford someone of The Winterflower's peerless quality. ;)
I may still dip into Ranger for a level or two as that would fit his upbringing. Assuming I'm selected, I'll probably wait to see who else is selected first though. I don't mind taking a few levels of something if it helps to balance out the party and keep it cohesive.
here you go....
Oh, the fun I will have with this character. :P
I must say I'm relishing on the chance to enjoy the Winterflower in my game.
By the way, Raxus hasn't said a thing since I said he was in... maybe you scared him off :P
*tic* Three hours until the deadline *toc*
Sorry about the late answer was in class. No problem the gendarme archetype is all about mounted combat but beast rider allows me to get either exotic animals as a mount but I would use them as a flanking buddy on and off since I can only use them as a mount at level 7. So he would be more of a foot solider type character for a few levels. Once I can mount the animal though I would switch tactics depending on the enemy and the area.
Toying with the idea of buying an ox for emergency rations. But, the trouble I'm having is that they don't say how quickly these animals move. There's no entry for a mule in the bestiary. Do we assume that pack animals can move at the same rate as horses?
Yep, the competition looks tough, do not envy you making a decision.
First, full sorcerer is always a good idea, I dislike reducing caster level. But I did see that his background would be excellent for a rogue. Depending on the skills of my companions and how the campaign goes, a rogue dip to get more skill points (He is very short of them, I felt that as I built him, hard choices) and some better fighting abilities is worth looking into. So most likely full sorcerer but will be looking at rogue, if needed, or the story moves that way. Stat advances will be to Charisma or Strength. I feel Hu5tru's pain as well, the most overlooked stat in the game, carrying capacity, real important in the frontier.
Second, recent past, pretty idyllic for an adventurer. Just as he had all his life, working and living in his family's caravan. It was large and well managed by his father and with the power of his mother, a Harrower, fairly safe, even in frontiers. Charming as always, life was good for him as his mother, slowly, taught him of his powers and the ways of Desna. Then one day the size, strength, and power of his moving home proved insufficient. The loss of what he had and now having nothing is what broke his alignment and his faith. With a life less good, his expectations less, he might not have gone to extremes, but the contrast is too great and he is Varisian, given to extremes, hence the melodramatic appellation 'the Unborn'. May have some old friends in the 'life' or the merchant community but the wandering life means leaving friends and making new ones. Family (as far as he knows) is dead and gone. Also he is easy to hook to Winterflower, she could be who rescues him or meets him at the temple. Their abilities, though similar, compliment each other.
Third, Kingdom role: Magister is obvious, though in play, the approach would be more informal, as a teacher he believes in apprenticeship; a school to him is a log with a teacher on one end and a student on the other, anything more is a waste. Councilor or Diplomat may suit him eventually, he's good at talking as long as it leads somewhere. He'd take (maybe leap at) the job of Royal Assassin (skipping and leaping for joy, "I get to kill bandits, I get to kill bandits, yea!", OK, not quite right in the head). Ruler is something he would not seek but could be convinced to take (snookered into by someone manipulating him). Not very suited to the other jobs, even more by temperament, than qualifications.
I tend to play straightforward characters because with complex personalties, exactly how to respond to events can become unclear. I prefer the simple, but not simplistic, approach.
Color Thief: Your skin is an odd tint that somehow
absorbs background colors. Maybe because your mother
drank a lot of potions when you were still inside her belly.
Maybe because you’ve been blessed by the barghests. Maybe
because you’re just better than the other boring goblins.
In any case, you gain a +2 trait bonus on Stealth checks,
providing you wear only light armor or no armor.
Ugly Swine: You are a repulsive little freak whose
origins are unclear. Your head is small for a goblin and
your mouth oddly narrow, allowing you to pass in urban
environments as an unidentifiable mongrel, providing
you keep a low profile. However, if examined closely, your
goblin origins are revealed. You gain a +2 trait bonus on
Disguise checks, and Disguise is a class skill for you.
Is there anything else?
"Grung likes Chee"
"Grung likes Chee"
That was... awfulsome
And we've reached the deadline. I'll make the final selection soon. Please take the time to answer my questions.
"Chee's-toes!!"
I see there've been no additions since my last list. I'll leave some time for those that have yet to answer some of my questions and for Raxus to give any life signals before deciding on the full party but the following are in:
And 3 more! Yes this will be an ENORMOUS 7 men party. I think I can make it work with the ideas I have for the campaign right now. Make sure you have a lot of ideas and motivations for your characters since I expect you to lead the way, not me to carry you on a leash.
Right pleased to be in, sir. I'll be waiting over here soon as I finish my traits.
Thalia's lips curl slightly upwards in a half smile, and she hums happily. "Leashes? Mmm. I am... intrigued," she says, her hazel eyes flashing.
If I may one last statement:
I killed a lengthy post in the OOC. I will be getting there... not directly, but soon enough.
I miss the lazarus add-on that makes things not die if I just write them in the fields.
If we finds out his dad is the patron, rather than try to destroy his father's scheme, he'll try to steal control of it for himself. If his father starts exploiting him, he may just try to take his father out.
I don't have the player guide in front of me, but he'll be going for the advisor/court wizard role (can't remeber the role name). He has good language and knowledge skills.
When he was headed for Brevoy, he was expecting to walk up to the Lebeda family, tell them who he is, and be welcomed home with open arms. Now that he's decided to try playing for a different team, he'll probably never get the chance to find out that that was never going to happen.
Now, if you're looking for possible pothooks for Grayson, I can make some folks for him to know. A former classmate with whom Grayson should have graduated would make an interesting thorn in his side, as Gratson would get a lot of flack for failing to graduate. One if his father's business partners or former henchmen living in Pitax could also be a source of turmoil for Grayson, as well as hint ever so slightly towards his father's patronage of this expedition.
First one is stats related. Have you already decided how do you want Mikam's build to evolve? Full sorcerer? Maybe a dip into rogue or other class?
Second one, have you some ideas for Mikam's not so recent past? I'm all for characters growing during the game but would like to hear your ideas for it. Maybe some acquitances not so... unfriendly as Tuvic.
"These, lad, are Tears.", the halfling shook the vial in Mikam's face, causing the yellow fluid inside to swirl thickly about. Against his own will, Mikam recoiled from the bottle, as if Berrit had swung a live snake inches from his nose. The Pitaxian chuckled at his reaction and stuffed the vial back into the cloth lined box. "Oh lad, Tears won't bite, and nor can they work their subtle magic when they are in the vial...the mark has got to actually ingest the contents, see? That's when they start to want more and more, because of the way it makes them feel."
"I don't know what you want me to do with them. You don't want me to sell those do you? Posession of Tears in Pitax means death!", Mikam nearly squeaked. He had seen two executions in the last five days, and was beginning to suspect that sneezing in public was a corporal offense.
The box was closed and locked with a small silver key, that vanished into the halfling's vest, then placed on the table between them. "Of course not. You don't know the gentle art of the sale. You may learn one day, but not today. I just need you to make a little stroll for me. I can't be seen walking about or people get all shifty and suspicious-like. So you my boy, will take the box down the street, across the High Sellen bridge and to an associate of mine in the second house on the left. Easy." Berrit smiled a horrible gap-toothed grin and pushed the box across the table towards him, then stood. "You know what is owed. So we have an understanding..." Mikam didn't even see the movement, but suddenly six inches of steel were quivering in the center of the wooden table. Berrit grinned as he leaned over and jerked the dagger out of the wood and down his sleeve into a sheath. He turned and walked away, leaving Mikam at the table in the abandoned house.
His luck and nerve ran out at the bridge. He hadn't had to even walk past anyone. The streets were deserted at this hour, even the Firewatch had turned in, and there were certainly no honest people about. But there he was, a cloaked man, apparently fishing off the top of the High Sellen bridge, in the hours before dawn. Odd.
Suddenly the enormity of what he was engaged in came crashing down on him. The box of poison under his arm suddenly seemed to weigh as much as a horse, dragging at him. Here he was transporting drugs for a known thief, murderer and liar. If he was caught with the Tears, the watch would cut him down where he stood. If he took the drugs to Berrit's associate, he would be killing many people, ruining them forever. He would have to run away again...leave Pitax...somehow. Running away was preferable to delivering this poison to innocents.
Running away it is...again.
He heaved the box over the railing and watched it tumble out of the torchlight and into to the inky black streak that was the Sellen.
The man sighed, then turned to Mikam and pushed his cloak back, allowing the torches to glint off the chain coif and hauberk he wore under the cloak. "Mikam, I am very glad that I don't have to kill you tonight. But to be honest, I have never met a courier who actually made the right choice...I usually have to kill everyone that works for Berrit."
He suddenly thrust a gauntleted hand toward Mikam, causing Mikam to jump back in near panic, "Namith, of Pitax, at your service."
Mikam tentatively took his hand and shook, still speechless.
"Oh, and I know your name because I have people around Berrit bribed. They told me he was going to do this a day or two ago. I usually try to intercept his couriers whenever I can. Berrit is vicious, but stupid, probably from sampling his product, and can't see what is going on around him." Namith turned and began walking down the slope of the bridge. "Well come on, I need to find a way to keep you alive...I think that I just found the only honest man in Pitax...can't have you getting killed."
Sill in shock, Mikam followed the man off the bridge, and back into the underbelly of Pitax.
Third one, if you are able to establish your kingdom which would be Mikam's more fitting role in the government?.
Anything more you care to know about Kyndall?
I'll be in my IRL for the next hours. If anybody wants to add anything about his character they're free to do so, and I will read it before making the final selection. Some ideas for things you can tell me; how do you intend your character to evolve (rules & fluff wise), what role do you think you'd fit in the kingdom, any acquitances in the River Kingdoms or Brevoy, any other thing that crosses your mind.
Please put these things in spoilers to make it easier for me to read.
There's still 3 spot, if Raxus hasn't shown up by the time I make the final selection it will be 4.
Good luck and thanks for your interest!
Well first the idea of the character is going to be a heavy armored knight that has an unique mount. I want to take some levels of fighters so he can fit the idea of what I think a knight is. I think of Knights as both mounted and un-mounted combatants. I want to do either the Armor Master or Tower Shield Specialist for the fighters but I am leaning more toward the Armor Master. Now the un-mounted combat part will be in combination with my mount once I can get one that can full the role I have in mind for it. I will use it as a flank buddy and another melee combatant to help the party. I will switch between these tactics on what is happening in fights.
Fluff he is going to do his best to make sure that the new nation tries to stay neutral in dealing with the nations around it. He will do this because it is his duty and he was asked by his friend. Other than that his personality is people are free to do what they want. He sees other as this you do what you wish with your life not any of my business what you do with it, however when someone does something to him or people he cares about now it is his business. I think this type of personality would fit great with the party that you have picked so far.
I think his role in the Kingdom would be either as Warden or General. He would go at this the same way that he does in life he would try to go for freedom for everyone and make sure they are protected because they are now people under his care. As for people he knows in River Kingdom not many in Breovy however he knows Theodic who is a one of the noble houses. He could call on him for aid if needed.
I would foresee Kyndall taking up a spot like the Warden or General. He craves power and both positions would hold a great deal of sway. Although of noble blood, he would not have designs on the throne as that would get in the way of his other pursuits.
For acquantinces, Kyndall sports the last name Aldori which implies a level of connection to his peers. Also, he may be known to anyone who knows the family from Cheliax as well as potentially being known amongst the fine arts circles in Brevoy although he hasn't had much time to indulge in recent years. It would be unlikely that he knows anyone from Pitax, but there may be a general level of awareness as to who he is.
Kyndall is a lawful man, his heritage denies him any other way of thinking. However, his upbringing made him cruel so he'll relish the chance to exact punishment on any unsuspecting foes. Although he would not stoop to murder, he would position enemies so that they fall foul of the law allowing him to frame them and use the law as a weapon against them. If he were ever to become Warden, this behaviour would likely become commonplace.
DM
I see Grung as an outcast from his tribe who in spending his years outside became a ranger, mechanically I see him as a "switch-hitter" ranger melee with a large weapon and arrows at a distance.
I see he staying ranger, possibly picking up some rogue skills later on in the game....
I think him and Chee could make a great "package deal".....
As far as people know Oleg or Bokken would be choices he might know in the stolen lands.....
Definitely still interested. This week has been hectic (a film project and a theatre project launching, as well as my girlfriend's birthday). Normally I have much more time to post.
Thanks for including me in the group. Can't wait to start.
DM
If you've seen Unleashed (Jet Li movie, titled Danny the Dog in the foreign release), that's part of my inspiration for Raxus. He's going to try not to kill people but when he rages he's going to be a monster. I'm thinking about giving someone else in the party the "reigns" to that side of him, since his moral compass is a little skewed. (at least he thinks it is.)
Story-wise, there's a few things I'd like to explore with Raxus. One is a return to his birth-home. His father is still the chief of a tribe of ogres out there in the wilderness somewhere. I'd love to have Raxus encounter him again (and probably kill or destroy the tribe in the process). I picture the father as a warrior/shaman type. Raxus grew up with him until he was 10 and knows a lot about him, but as a player I wanted to let you stat him out and just let me know what Raxus would know.
Another is to find a mount for him. Mounted Fury Barbarians don't get an actual animal companion, so their mounts don't scale normally. I'm thinking of investing in leadership so I can have my mount as a cohort (so it would scale). Raxus has always had a flight/dreams of escape thing, so I'd love to eventually have a flying mount.
I'd also like to role-play Raxus' evolution of confidence. Right now he's still trapped by his past abuse and now living as a giant in a world of fragile tiny people, scared to hurt them and become what he has always hated. Physically he matured faster than a normal human, but emotionally he's still fairly young.
Mechanically- I'm going to stick with Barbarian. Probably Beast Totem (sticking with the attack dog theme), feat wise, I'm going to go with 2 handed weapon and mounted stuff. Pretty straight-forward really.
Cyean
Mikam Orlovsky
Felina
You're in, please report to the OOC thread
To those that didn't get in. Thanks for your submissions, this has been a very difficult selection, I'm sure those characters will find a place to belong and will keep you in mind if we ever need a replacement character, or if I decide to create another campaign.
Thanks everybody. Enjoy your gaming!
Ok,
Congratulations on the selected, looks to be quite the game.
As always, I will ask what my strengths and weaknesses of my submission was and what I could have done differently or better. It appears that I, in particular, failed to impress the early selectees. Any advice that the DM or selectees can give to me I would appreciate.
Thank you all.
First off, sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I run two games, and have been spending a lot of time working on fleshing out Thalia.
I think what struck me about Zandru is that in the background you provided, in present tense, you don't really get a sense for his character or his motivations.
Now, dialog is good for fleshing out a character, and how they react, but it's not what you want to start with when you're trying to make an impression.
I can only speak from my own perspective, when I'm writing my character's history, I try to do it from theirs. Thalia is uncertain of her birth, it's some sort of mystery that's whispered about in the cathedral, but, there's plenty of whispers in the cathedral. I showed through my description of her history in a few sentences that she is not particular concerned with the details of her birth, and that she's intelligent enough to recognize that information is easily manipulated to make people believe better or worse of themselves. I do this for every character I make, and while I'm writing it I think of the scenes that she has lived that have made her thus.
I craft my characters specifically for a campaign. Granted, here I had more than a bit of a competitive edge because I am running Kingmaker as a GM, so I know a lot about this particular setting and could really bring those details into Thalia's history. I've never gone into a recruitment thread and said "gee, well, I really wanna play this Ulfen evoker in Mwangi and I can't really explain how he got down there but, this is my concept." There are others on this site (not naming any names) that just come up with total garbage characters by shock random die rolls that I would never ever touch as a GM. It speaks to me that that person doesn't really care for immersion or continuity, just about aggrandizing himself.
Another thing I never do, save for the Dresden Files characters I have come up with, is use modern references. Like joking around about the latest South Park episode or what have you at table, it breaks immersion for me. I will come up with theme songs for my characters, and might link them in an OOC, and have them playing in my head while I'm writing about them, but I will never have them use song lyrics in dialog (that I know of) or anything of that vain.
Now, I got a lot of experience on this site in a very short time, but not all of it has been good. I killed a game once because the 16 year old Oracle stated in her pitch that she would be party leader, and then she acted like a complete moron and I called her on it, and the party said I was attacking her and being too aggressive. Her actions could have gotten the entire party killed, which I explained in character and out. My arguments fell on deaf ears. Also, I was unfortunately involved in an abominable KM game hosted on this site the likes of which... it is beyond all reckoning how evil and selfish the majority of the characters are in that game, and none of them could form a group or help each other to save their lives. It is the worst gaming experience I have had in my life, and it still makes me volcanically angry that this game persists to this day.
But I have not allowed that to get me down. I keep applying to games with new, fresh characters when I find them interesting, and so far I've been accepted to all of them. When I'm in them, I try my darndest to advance the plot at every turn. I run a dreamspun sorc that was the inspiration for the party coming together, because she was running around talking to all the new people in town and found a reason to keep them beside her. A lot of the players in that game are in several more that I play in and run.
I suppose like any job interview part of it is who you know, but ultimately it comes down to your writing. Write as much as you possibly can. If time is an issue, just express your interest and a vague concept. A lot of these recruitment threads are open for days at a time. Even if you can only devote like an hour a day to developing your concept fully, it is better than rushing to get something in that isn't complete.
When in doubt, write more. Maybe that velveteen rabbit Zandru got from his mama at the age of three isn't all that important in the grand schemola of things, but that there exists something like that in the history shows that your character is sentimental, and values inconsequential things, and is, in short human. A girl kissed you at 8 and gave you cooties? People, and GMs can identify with that and say "there's a character, this is the sort of person I want in my game."
Hope this helps and does not offend.
Zandru-
My thoughts are similar to Thalia's. The background provided did a great job of putting us in Zandru's head and giving us the feel of his surroundings during a pivotal moment in his history. Unfortunately, that's not enough to grip us. Imagine a movie where something pivotal happens to to the main character, Frodo being stabbed by the Ring Wraith for example. Now imagine that that's the only part you see. No context, no sense of who this midget is or why the ring is making things are black-and-grey or why some creepy ghost guy is trying to kabob him. It would actually do the opposite of it's intent. An observer would just shrug and say "well that was weird" and move on.
See, context is everything in a story. If you'd given us a background of who Zandru was before that moment, who his family was, what they were doing, why they were traveling, why he talks to his horse, and what brought them to the place where bandits didn't just raid them but took their time to slowly torture them all to death (but not him, for whatever reason) then the climax of him riding off for vengeance would be far more impactful.
Unborn is a strangely specific title. I'm interested in what it means, because under the right context it could mean a lot of interesting things. With the background provided I got the feeling that it was just tacked on because it sounded cool. (which is what I mean about how something cool can become uncool by being unsupported or overdone)
Hope that helps you. Good luck. Don't get discouraged. The fact that you're asking how to get better says a lot about you as a writer and a player. That gets a big thumbs up from me.
Many thanks for the consideration.