| 37 people marked this as a favorite. |
1. "Oh, hey, an underground pool. I guess I'll just jump in, fully-clothed, without taking any of my more precious objects out of my backpack which I'll continue to wear."
2. "Oh, hey, a person I haven't met before. Time to scan their soul without their permission. *Detect Evil*"
3. "Of course I already had my sword out. My character's not stupid. A dungeon/strange castle/temple/orphanage is no place to go around unarmed!"
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4. "I know I should logically be afraid of this thing, and the odds are that I can't defeat it...yet...I have this strange, inner feeling that if I DO happen to defeat it, I shall grow stronger, somehow, and if I don't, I won't mind being dead that much, and someone will replace me in my responsibilities anyway."
| 50 people marked this as a favorite. |
5. "Who the freak is this guy? OH-WAIT, he's good, guys, he's good. He waved his PC card. Give him all our dead teammate's stuff."
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
6. Day 1: "I don't detect any traps. I'm gonna check again, just in case I was wrong." "You sure? You said there weren't any." "Yeah, but, you know...um...nevermind, I'm just checking again."
Day 2: "I don't detect any traps." "Gonna check again?" "Nope. I know there aren't any." "How?" "Um...nevermind that."
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7. "I take down the tank with my dual-wielded pepperbox pistols! OH YEAH!"
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Golden Rule: Thought upon seeing a person, landmark, house, city, monster, dungeon, really anything:
"It could be more on fire."
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8. After every battle they smack themselves over and over again with little sticks.
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10. "Don't worry. We've almost reached [town/village/hamlet] and there'll be an inn there. There's always an inn. Even when it's a completely out-of-the-way, backwater, near-ghost town that never sees anyone but dirt-poor subsistence farmers... always an inn."
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Golden Rule: Thought upon seeing a person, landmark, house, city, monster, dungeon, really anything:
"It could be more on fire."
Are you sure you're not a goblin? Cause, really:
12. Given sufficient determination and resources, everything catches fire eventually.
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12a. If an adventurer has a shovel and the location of a volcano, there is no such thing as insufficient resources.
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Are you sure you're not a goblin? Cause, really:
Me, P.U. Stabby Toadhed, incensed confessional humanz stabby-expert, waz right-left 'bout some pink-fleshies beinz half-and-halfs and smart as goblinz. Heres' we findz that even each one of da lowerz huma-humongrels speciesis have the potentials for thinkingz like proper goblinz. Or at leats for each humongrel to haz a little goblinz inside him.*
*And so nowz I call for each little goblinz inside da human to carve his wayz out, so's we goblins' cans eat the tasty tasty pink man flesh! Yum yum!
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14. "I will stand here and take untold amounts of physical abuse while you heal me with literal gifts from the gods......and I want you to call me dirty names while I'm doing it."
15. The unwritten Death Clause: When an adventurer dies in a group none of his stuff is wasted or ever makes it to family members. His body may not even be buried if necromancers are present.
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14. When faced with a humongous castle manned by seasoned warriors, led by the most powerful archmage in the world, mercilessly slathered with traps, enchantments, undead, and so on and so forth, they decide to attack. Because, you know, "a small group can succeed where a large army fails."
15. They stay the hell away from anyone more powerful that wants to join them, because they don't like that.
16. Threaten them with decapitation and they laugh at you. Threaten to destroy their weapons, armours and spellbooks, they cry like babies and beg for mercy.
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17. Inns. 4+ crazy people walk into an inn. Instead of ordering food they all take turns sucking on and passing around a horn spoon. At least one of them drinks an implausible amount of alcohol and hits on anything with a pulse. One other keeps randomly disappearing right before annoying stuff mysteriously happens. At least one of them gets indignent if anyone reacts with surprise or trepidation to their pet dangerous predator. They request a room barely big enough for 2 and all pile in to sleep back to back, armored and armed. Then they toss around tips worth month or year wages looking for random rumors and tall tales they apparently believe without reservation.
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18. "They panic whenever you get a bag near a hole in the floor."
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This reminds me of a movie, think it was called the gamers.
Player; I charge in screaming my battlecry
Sppat
Player: Did I say I charge in screaming I mean I I enter the room. Alert for danger.
Splat
Player: Did I say I enter the roomalert for danger, I mean I search the room for traps.
Splat
Player: Did I say I search the room for traps, I mean I cautiously crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword.
Splat
Player: Did I say I crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword? I meant I send the guy who's not here to see what's going on.
Splat
Player: It's horribly trapped guys.
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5. "Who the freak is this guy? OH-WAIT, he's good, guys, he's good. He waved his PC card. Give him all our dead teammate's stuff."
5b. "Wow, how many near-identical brothers did Bobroy Jenkins, the Deceased PC, have? And what are the odds they'd all be just as experienced in the same class(es) as Bobroy?"
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I was going to edit this in but oh well.
20) Upon having defeated and killed their enemies they either take the gear that wasn't enough to overcome them for their own use or sell powerful magical items because its no use.
21) Upon locating a mysterious magical artifact of uknown powers and properties they cast identify and immediately assume the person creating it didn't disguise its real purpose.
Sir Roderick: I don the magic armour of the amazon queen.
Next morning
Mage Claudious: Morning all, I see your still more bosomy than usual Milady Roderina.
Sir Roderick: Shut up, and find a cure.
22) All adventurers posses mysterious powers to reshape equipment in a manner mages who've studied transmutation for decades would envy.
Dwarfen Fighter 032: I don the armour.
Mage Claudious: It wont fit.
Dwarfen Fighter 032: I'm telling you it will, I just need to squeeze a bit.
Mage Claudious: Its elven armour made for an elven fighter mage who was 5'9, female and probably weighed 80lbs sopping wet. You on the other hand are 3'5, as broad across as you are tall and weigh on the heavy side of 500lbs.
Dwarfen Fighter 032: Yeah I misread the dice there but this'll work, there see perfect fit.
Mage Claudious: . . .
Milady Roderina: I could have used that, can I have your old armour instead?
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This reminds me of a movie, think it was called the gamers.
Player; I charge in screaming my battlecry
Sppat
Player: Did I say I charge in screaming I mean I I enter the room. Alert for danger.
Splat
Player: Did I say I enter the roomalert for danger, I mean I search the room for traps.
Splat
Player: Did I say I search the room for traps, I mean I cautiously crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword.
Splat
Player: Did I say I crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword? I meant I send the guy who's not here to see what's going on.
Splat
Player: It's horribly trapped guys.
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Here y'are.This reminds me of a movie, think it was called the gamers.
Player; I charge in screaming my battlecry
Sppat
Player: Did I say I charge in screaming I mean I I enter the room. Alert for danger.
Splat
Player: Did I say I enter the roomalert for danger, I mean I search the room for traps.
Splat
Player: Did I say I search the room for traps, I mean I cautiously crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword.
Splat
Player: Did I say I crawl along the floor probing for traps with my sword? I meant I send the guy who's not here to see what's going on.
Splat
Player: It's horribly trapped guys.
That's the one thank you and in return I give you to save a princess and on topic
23) No adventurer worth their codpiece ever wastes time on minor social niceties like having a bath before attending the royal ball in court finery.
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Curse the no editing after X time function.
20A) 90% of adventurers wielding their family blade steeped in centuries of history and tradition, weilded by their ancestors for a dozen generations shall toss it in the nearest bin as soon as they get something magical.
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9. "Before we proceed further into the enemy lair, which is sure to be guarded by a small army, we will take 10 minutes strip-searching the corpses of those we have already killed."
I'm sure they would prefer it if the army came to them. So taking your time makes sense.
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23a) "What the hell do you mean your lord won't see us? Tell him to get his ass up. Adventurers are here. Don't you know who we are?"
"You are a filthy vagrants with no honor or claim to nobility and you will take your crass mannerisms elsewhere or face the wrath of the royal guards."
"Make that a filthy vagrant with no honor or claim to nobility who murdered like 50 people yesterday on the road just to get here. Tell your king to get his fancy ass down here to talk or we will be rolling initiative!"
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26) Any fresh off the farm, wet behind the ears stablehand is surprised if the world doesn't know about them.
"I am Rutgart last of the Urathai beserkers."
"Er you've heard of the Urathai right?"
"Beserkers?"
"Barbarians?"
"The great wild north?"
"ANYTHING outside this tavern?!"
. . . .
"Newberts's stirring up adventurers again, one of these day's bang, pow some overmuscled idiots going to kill him and then who has to sort it all out? Me, muggins that's who."
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27) When a band of bizarre foreign atheist fanatics, plague-doctors carrying bandoleers of unstable chemicals, desert-nomad priests of forgotten gods, religious assassins and questionable wizards, accompanied by a scythe-wielding elf and a walking tree, marches into town, the mayor is overjoyed that they obviously must be heroes who will investigate the unexplained catastrophes plaguing the city. And the PCs think this is normal and even highly convenient.
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28) a group of low intelligence low wisdom people execute the most clever...devious schemes, of magical manipulation and or diplomacy...while usually having scores barely above cattle.....lol
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29. "Okay, let's see, I'm a bizarre foreign atheist fanatic plague-doctor carrying bandoleers of unstable chemicals, Joey's a desert-nomad priest of forgotten gods, Steve is a religious assassin, Shelly is a questionable wizard, Charlie is a scythe-wielding elf. Now, does anyone know a walking tree who could join us? No? Any four-armed bear-men? Half-slime otter-men? How about an air-elemental-tainted insectile tauric koala? Dammit, good help is hard to find..."
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30. They are capable of having multiple-minute conversations in the middle of combat, discussing tactics in plain, clear, and concise language in front of enemies, who merely pause mid-battle and kindly await their stratagem's end before continuing the fight in no way applying their clear knowledge of said PCs discussion.
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31) Show no interest in personal comfort or normal human needs even though you're incredibly rich.
32) Carry all your personal possessions around with you at all times.
33) Do anything a stranger asks you to do on the assumption that it will somehow lead to wealth and power.
34) Never be even slightly bothered by the fact that your job often requires you to be stabbed, shot with arrows, or sprayed with deadly acid many times in a typical day.
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
35) They can fall over 300 feet, land on their head, and then stand back up because the GM rolled low on falling damage...
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36) 5,498 days without a bowel movement, and counting.
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35) They can fall over 300 feet, land on their head, and then stand back up because the GM rolled low on falling damage...
35b. ...Or even if the DM rolled the maximum possible fall damage once they have at least 120 HP.
37. The average adventurer kills more sentient things in a week then most battle hardened career soldiers do in their life time. Said adventurers are then able to sleep like babies after doing so, often while still drenched in blood and gore.
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38) Wander around in the wilderness, hoping to get attacked.
39) When storming a castle, assume all enemies will remain in their rooms indefinitely instead of raising the alarm and then all attacking at once.
40) Make camp and rest for the night after casting a few spells, irrespective of the time of day and whether you're in hostile territory or on an urgent mission.
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37b. ...in full plate armour.
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41) Make use of dexterity (defined as skill with one's hands) to somehow dodge arrows that fly at them or backflip out of the way of an attack of opportunity.
42) 17 days without eating anything; somehow realize you haven't eaten anything for 17 days. Eat 17 trail rations in one sitting. Problem solved!
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43 - After seeing a once-in-a-lifetime event, "Well, you don't see that everyday, unless you're me."
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44) think the world revolves around them...and it does.
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45. Use various spells to check identity, alignment and so on when they meet a beautiful woman.
46. Chop up the corpses of stuff they killed. After all, someone, somewhere might pay good money for the green wobbly bit of a... Well, whatever it was.
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
24) Somehow every adventurer always assumes they know at least something about that long-lost artifact of unyielding evil, even if that knowledge will often lead to their demise.
"Yes! Natural 20 on my Knowledge check!"
"Okay, now make a SAN check.""..."
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47. Never, ever clean out their backpack. They can reach 20th level, and they'll still have that half-used wand of burning hands somewhere in there.
48. And then they'll claim that wand was "at their belt" all along when they need to justify drawing it in a hurry.
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49. Willing to do the most bizarre, completely illogical things if told it's necessary to finish a quest.
50. Breaks out of prison, doesn't expect anyone to come after them.
51. Can take on goblins, orcs, the undead, and numerous other threats without even blinking... yet is deadly afraid of the common housecat.
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49. When faced with something incredibly huge and awesomely dangerous, their first reaction is to ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!
50. When faced with an entire army, their first reaction is the same.
51. Really, the ONLY exceptions to the above are the lowly rust monster and the disenchanter.