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This was my first submission which was rejected. What do you think about it?
Army of the Damned
The PCs are hired to protect a caravan. The route leads through Darkmoon Vale and Darkmoon Woods, with a stop at Falcons Hollow. It’s raining all day for almost an entire week. Every trail is muddy. Every piece of equipment is soaking wet. Suddenly a group of warriors bursts from the woods right into the camp. But it’s a most peculiar sort of ambush. The warriors don’t attack. Instead the people from the caravan join the warriors and rally to an odd-looking standard. Only when attacked or disturbed the army fights back. Regardless whether a fight breaks out or not, after a short time the whole group vanishes magically from sight. Left alone and in charge of the caravan the PCs need to get their companions back to finish their route and they have to find them quickly before they are lost forever to the Army of the Damned.
After finding themselves alone in the woods, the PCs are able to get their caravan to Falcon’s Hollow where they get to know that this army has been reappearing for some days now, but no one knows why.
The PCs are informed about a nymph living in a lake nearby who might know more.
While in the woods the PCs encounter a ghost of olden glory, a friendly summoner of demons and nixies.
That’s what is happening:
Alamander had his hide-out deep under the old dwarven monastery. A dormant old magical artifact of his creation indirectly has been awaken by the events from “revenge of the kobold king” in the form of the dreaded standard of revenge and his bearer, the warrior of damnation. This warrior is a magical construct whose power makes the whole army immune to magic. The standard also has magical powers: it locates the magical essence of Othollo and it dominates everyone within reach to rally to the standard. The standard doesn’t bother with the needs of living beings so dying while being dominated is only a matter of time. Also the standard teleports the whole army once per day plus once per fight to any place within darkmoon wood.
Othollo’s tower once a proud building stands now at the bottom of a lake. A short while ago a clan of nixies has made their home in this lake. While plundering Othollo’s tower they have awaken his magical essence. After befriending the nixies the PCs get to know that the nixies have unknowingly separated Othollo’s remains from the remains of his one true love. They both committed suicide while lying in each other’s arms. The ghost can only be laid to rest when the separated remains of the lovers are together again. To achieve this, the PCs have to clear out Othollo’s tower first. Once Othollo’s essence has disappeared the standard will cease to function and all victims will be released. Should the PCs fail to lay Othollo’s ghost to rest, the army will reach the tower – drowning everyone – and attack. The battle will wreak great havoc to the surroundings and an army of the Undead will be created.
Encounters
Tier 1:
1. Lashweed (new) – Lashweeds are large plants. They spit a blindness poison and entangle their victims.
2. Army of the Damned
3. Black Sprites (new) – Black Sprites are evil fey. They stand 2 feet tall and have transparent wings like those of a cicada. They are cruel creatures who take pleasure from the suffering of the weak and helpless.
4. Falcon’s Hollow
5. Fenhound (optional) (new) – a fenhound looks like a large mastiff. They appear on moors, swamps and forest lakes whenever great evil walks the land
6. Albino Goblins (new) – They are a rare breed of goblins which have an insatiable curiosity and prefer taking other people’s food to hunting for their own.
7. Fearweed & Crawling Ivy (new) – fearweeds are terrible plants who use mind-numbing terror to defend themselves. Fearweed grows in the vicinity of crawling ivy. This plant can entangle its victims and drain their blood. The decaying bodies are food for the fearweed.
Tier 2:
1. Skeletons
2. Zombies
3. Nymph – this nymph wants to play with the PCs before she gives any information
4. spirit of olden glory – this ghost can either be deadly or friendly to the PCs
5. Summoner of Demons (optional)
6. Nixies
Tier 3:
1. Skeletons
2. Traps
3. Zombies
4. Elemental, fire (large)
5. Devil, imp
6. Devil, Lemure
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First thoughts are that you have way too many new creatures for any module, and especially for a Society Scenario. 1 new creature, maybe 2 tops.
Second thoughts.... the storyline seems a bit convoluted and would probably take much longer to explore than a Society Scenario allows. These are supposed to be short and sweet adventures that can be completed by most groups in a 4 hour span. I can't imagine that happening (maybe not even with 2 sessions) with the storyline presented.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012
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Please take what I say as a critique from someone who has tried numerous times and not been accepted.
First of all, I like the story. Rallying innocent people to the banner and letting them die is pretty creepy.
I'm going to echo what Fake Healer said about new monsters and point out that a lot of scenarios I've read/played use the same monsters, only more or tougher for higher tiers, or monsters with a theme (progressively tougher undead, aberrations, etc.) in each encounter. Take a look at a scenario or two to get an idea of the style and pacing of tiered encounters.
I think you spent too many words on the introduction. You've got to get in and get out with the introduction. I believe that is something Josh indicated in his general advice thread. Here's a link.
The other thing that you need to be aware of is the "save the world" scenario. You needed to indicate why the Pathfinder Society is interested. It could be something as simple as "the standard is an item of antiquity, and the Society would like to obtain it".
Nitpicks: Capitalize place names and modules. Othollo is one vowel away from Othello.
In conclusion, keep trying. I wish you the best of luck in the future!