RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 4
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Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Snowblossom
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Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ruby Butterfly
Aura moderate enchantment and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
Upon command, this statuette transforms into a hand-sized red butterfly (use the stats for a bat). An arcane caster can use the butterfly to deliver touch based spells as a familiar without any level requirement. The butterfly can also be commanded to guard its owner while they sleep. Creatures protected this way gain +5 against any spell that affects sleeping creature’s dreams (such as nightmare or dream scan). A ruby butterfly can be used three times a week for up to 8 hours at a time.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate object, dream; Cost 2,700 gp
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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I remember liking this one because it's so amazingly concise! The mechanics are very simple, but there's just enough to make the item interesting. Well done!
Be awesome in round 2!
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Saw this once, Thought making a wondrous figurine was a bold choice, but you gave a clean and useful item that I would love to see in any treasure pile, good luck!
This was definitely on my keeps list! Great Job!
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This is totally becoming part of my at home game!
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Dedicated Voter Season 9
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Congrats on making the top 32!
I'm excited about:
Super simple mechanics that open up some fun options, with a nice visual.
I'm cautious about:
I'm not sure exactly how the butterfly interacts with the world, other than allowing me to cast touch spells. How do I communicate with it? Can I use it as a scout? What happens if it gets attacked? If it's killed, is the figurine destroyed? I like the simplicity of the item, but I think a few more details could have been useful.
If you were in my creative writing group:
Disclaimer: gorgeous prose is hardly a requirement for a good item, so take what I say here with a pinch of salt.
I think you want to shift the apostrophe in "sleeping creature’s dreams." ;)
Otherwise, what you have here reads fine to me. I would have liked to see a bit more for mechanical reasons, but the prose does well as short and sweet. This feels like a good sign for your use of the fifty words in the map round. :)
This is the one that most captured my imagination! Wonderful piece of imagineering Crystal!
How you got such an "I need this" item out of such a slim word count is beyond me. As proud as I am of my own submission, the ruby butterfly is everything I wanted my item to be - I voted for it several times.
Good luck in the coming days, Crystal!
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Congratulations on making the Top 32! As someone who has played worshipers of Desna on many occasions, I would love to have this butterfly guarding my sleep. Good luck in the rest of the competition.
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Congrats on making top 32!
I like the item quite a bit. While its conciseness is a plus, I might have added just a bit more, as most of your entries brevity and design come from it using an already existing item type. This can earn you points for conciseness, but it also doesn't do much to illustrate superstar level design. It was risky, but it paid off.
Best of luck in all future rounds!
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Congratulations, Crystal!
This only popped up once in my voting, which was a shame because I would have loved to support it more. You took a staple item type, staple familiar ability, and some awesome Desna flavor and mixed them all into a unique, extremely valuable item. This item definitely sets the bar for Superstar.
Can't wait to see your work next round!
Congrats, Crystal, on making the Top 32!
I seem to be in a bit of a minority in that I didn't love your item. I really liked the idea of using the figurine to deliver touch attacks, which I thought was cool. Unfortunately, while I certainly see the Desna-ness of the item, I think I felt the secondary power seemed too far divorced from the main power and it just threw me. Maybe that's just me being OCD, though.
I'm also curious why it's limited to arcane casters considering it's Desna-oriented. I'd think her clerics/oracles/etc. would want to be able to use this.
And really nitpicky -- which certainly didn't affect my voting -- but if you refer to the item's singular owner, you shouldn't then use a plural pronoun following, as in "The butterfly can also be commanded to guard its owner while they sleep."
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Welcome to the Top 32, Crystal! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!
I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)
Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.
So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your ruby butterfly figurine of wondrous power!
Functionality and Usefulness
Those figurines. Can't stop at just one.
I was surprised to see a variant figurine make Top 32, but I see why after reading it. For casters without familiars, this is a shoe-in purchase for touch spell delivery. The dream guardian ability is neat, and not something seen very often given there are several abilities and creatures that pick on PCs while sleeping.
It's not powerful, but it's genuinely useful in particular circumstances, like all figurines should be. I can't say I feel like there's a lot of open design space in variant figurines of wondrous power, but you found one and made it work. That deserves props.
The arcane restriction prevents divine casters, who generally don't have familiars, from getting what would probably be maximum utility out of the item. However, divine casters do have alternative methods to casting touch spells at range and I'm not sure this should be replacing existing feats and abilities. The time limitations mitigate this somewhat, but I'm still on the fence about it.
I also feel making the sleep protection against "any spell" too limiting. To cover a better range of dream threats, any spell or spell-like ability or special ability that affects the creature's dreams should be called out.
The Cool Factor/Mojo
The conciseness and the elegance of this are its biggest strengths. Delivering touch spells isn't innovative by itself, but I like combining it with the idea of a figurine familiar. A static bonus to anything isn't very interesting, but that changes when you make it to save against dream effects, a not well-explored niche.
The item's effects, interesting as they are, don't seem to tie in together well. I can make it work if I imagine the butterfly as an ethereal sort of guardian that doesn't quite exist in either the Material or Ethereal Plane, but can transfer spell energy and watch the Ethereal for dream threats. But that's not what it says.
You went for a lot of risk deciding to do this as a figurine and I admire that a lot. I like it and I have characters that would, too.
Prose and Editing
This is overall well-written in a short and simple package, but a little more space for some additional clarification would have been helpful.
The butterfly needs clarification on how it interacts with the world and whether it can be damaged or destroyed or be ordered to do anything besides deliver spells or guard sleep.
Be cautious with abbreviations: use "statistics" instead of "stats".
Instead of arcane caster, specifying "if the owner can cast arcane spells" seems to be the more preferred format.
Overall
You've mastered effective brevity, something many of us strive for and never achieve. Your butterfly is cool and interesting and carved out a niche in territory that's been well-explored, and that's no small feat.
I'd like to see you tie together thematic elements more tightly and see you keep some specifics in mind that are likely to come up. While your writing is concise and easy to read, it errs a little on the casual side and that should be brought up to match the tone of the established style.
Moving forward, you'll have 50 words to work with in the next round. I think you'll be fine.
I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Crystal, and I'd love to see another gutsy, simply to-the-point entry from you.
Congratulations again!
I will be starting my reviews soon, and they can be bumpy at times, so here's a starter for 10 on Template ...
You almost nailed it! My eagles eye spotted one teeny weeny flaw...
Items with a weight of 1 should be listed as lb. singular and not lbs. plural.
Gotcha! Grin.
*munch*
Full review to follow in due course.
Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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I have to say I didn't like the choice of utilizing an existing though varied item type, I'd prefer to see something completely original.
That said it fits that item type well, and has its own niche. I think you could have added a line about what happens if the butterfly is killed, and why it guards dreams (Desna).
Congrats and good luck!
I'm really impressed you were able to do something cool with a wondrous figurine; it's always gutsy to submit something in a well-defined and familiar group of items like that. Others have already offered the critiques I would make, so I'll just say, well done! And congratulations!
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Crystal! Welcome..to the Top 32!
As one of the judges who'll be along for the entire ride of the competition, it's my duty (and pleasure) to offer up some commentary on your winning submission, as well as a bit of advice for the challenges to come. First up...your item...the ruby butterfly as a new figurine of wondrous power...
Okay. The name is fine. It's in keeping with traditional types of names for figurines of wondrous power. However, I'll be frank. My shield immediately go up when I see a figurine of wondrous power submitted to RPG Superstar. That's because in a roundabout way these items already exist in the game, and I tend to value new item types over something that's already been imagined by other designers. That said, figurines can actually come in all kinds of different shapes and with a dizzying array of potential powers and uses. So, I'm setting that bias aside in my feedback here. There's a time to invent all new stuff for the game, but there's also a time to honor tradition and give us one more bit of awesome for something that already exists.
Mojo. It's a fricking ruby butterfly that can animate as a familiar and deliver your touch spells whether you have the familiar class ability or not. And, it helps watch over your dreams. The obvious reference nods to Desna, the Golarion goddess of dreams whose symbol is a butterfly. I'm not sure that a ruby-colored one would be her preference given that she's kind of partial to blue in her symbology, though. Might have been better to go with a sapphire butterfly instead. But no matter. Mojo!
Cinematic. Sure. By its very underpinning, a figurine of wondrous power carries all the visuals of a tiny statuette animating. This one can also channel your touch spells for you. And, it's a butterfly...so you can just see this thing flitting across the battlefield or resting on top of your head while you sleep as a silent guardian. Score!
Usefulness. Well, it's useful in different ways that existing figurines of wondrous power. It clearly helps all those arcane spellcasters who don't normally get a familiar. I think it would be more useful if it provided some other familiar-esque abilities on a 1/day basis...or maybe got amped up a bit more if it was the recipient of a familiar-enhancing spell effect, etc. The dream protection is a nice thematic element, but most GM's don't hit you often enough with nightmare for the secondary power to come up very frequently. So, there's usefulness under right circumstances.
Mechanics. Okay. This is where I hold up a bit. I'm concerned that the figurine uses the stats for a bat. On the surface, that seems sound, because you'd expect something acting like a familiar to probably have statistics like one. However, this is kind of missed opportunity, I think. The beauty of a figurine of wondrous power is that a designer gets to define the stats for the statuette to be what's needed to ensure it survives. As fragile as familiars are...at least they typically benefit from a boost in hit points, saves, and skills from their master. But, if you use the straight-up stats for a bat for this thing...without any hardness or upgraded AC...it's unlikely to last very long in combat. In fact, as a Diminutive bat, it's going to be provoking attacks of opportunity even as it tries fly close enough to deliver that touch spell, right? So, it's got double the chances of getting whacked, and 2 hit points of damage brings it down. So, mechanically, I'm not sure this is through through enough to work in actual gameplay all that well. And, if it's brought down, does it turn back into statuette form and recover for the next day? I would hope so. Otherwise, we're out 5,400 gp.
Setting that aside, the core idea behind this figurine is worthwhile. I think there are some missed opportunities in the design that could have defined the figurine better, and even expanded some of its powers. The word count is definitely there to do so.
Polished. Template use looks reasonably good. You still need to trim that "s" off of "lbs." if you've only got a value of "1" though.
Other than that, this item leans on an existing concept (figurines of wondrous power), but doesn't quite follow the structure of providing playable statistics for one. It's got a great concept, but doesn't quite go far enough. That tells me you need improvement on shoring up those areas of your design skills. We often say that idea trumps execution, but you can't really afford to drop either of them. And, giving the competition you'll face going forward, that's doubly true if you want to stand out. Regardless, I offer you my congratulations on making the Top 32, and I look forward to seeing what you've got for us in Round 2.
My two cents,
--Neil
Only usable by casters? That's a mark down. Only arcane casters? Ugh. And it does exactly one other situational thing. I'm guessing the familiar touch thing is innovative, but it means very little to me.
Look, I'm a big fan of Figurines of Wondrous Power but I'm not sold on this item at all.
Congratulations Crystal.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32
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Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
aka Netopalis
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While I liked this item, I did want to point out one mechanical issue.
Creatures protected this way gain +5 against any spell that affects sleeping creature’s dreams (such as nightmare or dream scan).
What is this a bonus to, and what type of bonus is it? Is it a bonus to AC or saving throws? Is it enhancement, circumstance, luck, etc.?
Okay now that we have a few days before Top 16 reveals I've decided to comment on my competitors work. First, congrats one being a people's choice top 36. To me connecting more directly with the pathfinder community as an audience is even more impressive then clicking for a group of judges.
I knew this was going to be top 32 the moment I saw it. Kudos on your restraint and not going overboard by tying it to Desna which would have been inappropriate for a figurine. I would have liked this to be useful to divine casters and not just arcane ones and I agree with Neil on the stat issue. That said this was easily a voter favorite for me.
Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ruby Butterfly
Congratulations for making it into the Top 32!
Seeing as that's how I had to start this, you're already a potential "Superstar" so keep that in mind!
That out of the way, I'm going to treat your item the same as if I saw it in the Critique My Item Thread, which means I'll be using the following comments, and assuming you're submitting this item as your "sample" for an Open Call to Fat Goblin Game's Call to Arms book line.
Feel free to disagree with me and DEFEND YOUR CHOICES!
Publishable — Your write up for this item is darn near perfect. Short, concise, decent spell choices, simple mechanics, etc. Here's where it's not "superstar" to me -- but it getting to the Top 32 should become the go-to rejoinder for all future RPG SS entries as it breaks so many of "the rules".
* Item is a variant of an existing item -- As a figurine of wondrous power, which as a class of items already exists, it's generally frowned upon and feels like a kind of "cheating." A new ioun stone, for instance, would also be kind of "not Superstar" even if it was great.
* Item gives a class ability -- Specifically to only arcane casters (which feels limiting without a solid rationale), they gain access to a specific aspect of having a familiar.
* Item is unclear on how often it is usable -- You have this tag at the end that it can be used three times a week (which is an odd number and mechanic compared to most magic items) for up to 8 hours at a time. So, does that include the "deliver touch attack" power? OR was that meant just for the sleep thing? What if I used the delivery power this morning, then sleep with it that night? Also, its a somewhat silly limit in that the cost is so cheap, why not have just a half-dozen of them and I'll have it protect me every night I sleep and I could still have some deliver attacks, etc.
You made it to RPG Superstar though, so congrats, and like I said, THAT means you choose well. And you did well in your write up.
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My critique of your item got eaten it seems, I am very sorry, did not leave you out on purpose, I will correct this shortly.
Assistant Developer
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Star Voter Season 6
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Hello, Crystal, and welcome to the Top 32!
I'll be a judge for this round, and I'm honored and pleased to offer feedback on your figurine of wondrous power, ruby butterfly. I hope this feedback provides some helpful insight to you as you move forward in the competition.
As an assistant developer at Paizo, I'll offer you three levels of commentary that approximate the development process: some first impressions, a deeper look, and some measured feedback.
So, let's get started!
First impressions: OK, I have a lot of love for figurines of wondrous power; many years ago, one of my first forays into the game involved fiction that featured one quite prominently. And the fact that this is a ruby butterfly just makes for such a pretty visual. So, you're winning some nostalgia-fueled points for concept and description with me. I will temper that by saying, though, that while I might be happy to see a new and imaginative figurine in a freelance turnover, in RPG Superstar I think I'd rather see a concept that takes a bit more risk, since there are already many types of figurines out there.
Deeper look: In your name, there's the minor bit that, following our style, you'd want to set off your figurine type with parentheses, not a comma. That quibble aside, I think this being restricted to only delivering touch spells for arcane casters cuts its usability exactly in half, and that's not counting the missed thematic opportunity to tie the figurine to the goddess Desna, whose portfolio otherwise fits beautifully with your concept here of protecting the possessor's dreams. Heading further in that direction, when you're providing a specific bonus to a save against a category of spells that does not have a specific descriptor of its own, you want to instead be as specific as possible when you're describing it. Here, for example, we should have something like, "a +5 bonus on Will saving throws against mind-affecting spells that affect sleeping creatures (such as nightmare or dream scan)".
Measured feedback: Please don't get me wrong -- I love the concept, visuals, and the nod to such a classic item here. Going forward, though, I recommend paying close attention to exactly how your rules text is worded, and trying to anticipate and prevent both ambiguity and unintended effects in your design. Don't be afraid to use up your word count when you need it. (For instance, as written the butterfly could very easily be killed when delivering a touch spell.) You have a great sense of how to create memorable and cinematic design, so if you keep these suggestions in mind, I anticipate you'll do well going forward.
That said, thanks for reading, and best of luck in the contest!
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Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ruby Butterfly
Aura moderate enchantment and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Upon command, this statuette transforms into a hand-sized red butterfly (use the stats for a bat). An arcane caster can use the butterfly to deliver touch based spells as a familiar without any level requirement. The butterfly can also be commanded to guard its owner while they sleep. Creatures protected this way gain +5 against any spell that affects sleeping creature’s dreams (such as nightmare or dream scan). A ruby butterfly can be used three times a week for up to 8 hours at a time.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate object, dream; Cost 2,700 gp
Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ruby Butterfly
The Good: As others have said, for me the good was I love this item type, and find it useful to arcane casters without a familiar but with good touch spells.
The Bad:I would have dedicated some word count to additional description, just a sentence would do, but details about the lovely gem butterfly can only make it better here.
The Ugly: Others have said it, but all the divine folks are sad pandas :(. Also ruby is pretty hard, I would have given a nod to that, plus it would give the butterfly a bit more durability in combat while delivering touch spells if it had the hardness of its parent material.
Well done on making a superstar figurine of wondrous power. My main concerns are that the two abilities it grants don't seem connected and it only is useful for some classes.
Congratulation on making the Top 36! This has great imagery to it; but I too was concerned about it's statistics. I have GM's who would delight in squashing this delicate creation the first time I tried using it. Still, I applaud your brevity; concise writing is a major plus in my books!
Good luck in the rest of the competition!
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Congratulations on earning a spot in this year’s Top 32, Crystal! Here’s some thoughts I had while reviewing your figuring of wondrous power, ruby butterfly:
- Figurines of wondrous power have been dangerous design territory, so I’m excited to see how you go about convincing us to give this one a chance. Then you tell us it’s a ruby butterfly. I’m very intrigued, and I’m not even past the item name yet.
- Going for an inexpensive figurine is a wise choice.
- A little magic, ruby-winged butterfly is a fantastic image and very magical. Butterflies have long been used to incorporate a feeling of other-worldliness in stories. Tapping into that is brilliant.
- Using the stats for a bat works for me. It’s delicate, but it’s also relatively unassuming. If GMs go after this in the middle of a fight with their bad guy their better be a good reason, or no other targets to choose from. If that’s the case, then the player deserves to be out 5,400 gold though.
- The power that really sells this item to me is the bonus to saves against dream attacks. I agree with Victoria that the effects this protects against should be expanded to other effects that attack dreams though. What this ability really does is suggest a wider world. It gets players to be concerned about forces outside their immediate sphere of influence. It gets them to see their characters as part of a larger world. That’s one of the best things a magic item can do.
- A spellcaster NPC could make use of this to have some fun against the PCs. As a GM, I would have to smirk when the big dumb brute in the party annihilates it with one blow, simultaneously destroying a large share of their treasure. It’s always better when the PCs sow their own mistakes.
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Is this the lowest word count in the Top 32? It certainly is efficient and evocative with them.
I think the bias against figurines in the contest is kind of silly. It's just a category of items. It's not cheating in any way. It's like complaining, "A shield? But a shield is an existing item type! How unoriginal!"
That said, the bias does exist, and kudos to you for overcoming it.
I do think this item needed a bit more oomph. The ability to deliver touch spells will be used about 10000000 times as often as the dream protection, so that's really what it does. I think it could be as simple as working in some really evocative flavor around that power.
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Snowblossom
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Hi everyone. First off, I want to say a big thank you for all the kind, supportive words, and also for the insightful and constructive criticism. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, but now that I have a moment I just wanted to say a few quick things.
I knew that taking a staple item like a Figurine of Wondrous Power was risky, but I thought “Well, let’s just go for it and see how it does.” Fortunately, it seems to have positively resonated with the majority of voters and the risk paid off. So I’m glad I decided to just go for it ^_^
In terms of why I didn’t include divine spellcasters… well, to be honest, I was worried that people wouldn’t like an item allowing divine spellcasters to have familiars. I thought limiting it might be safer. Truth be told, I honestly did struggle with that decision. Considering the feedback, I do wish I had added it in now.
Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to comment on my item.
An interesting small addition would be to have the Butterfly prevent the sleeping creature from being considered a "Willing Target" (as unconscious creatures otherwise are considered).
Lovely item, thank you.