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You all asked for it, whether you knew it or not, and now you shall receive.
Submit here your questions for Kobold Cleaver, God-King of the Locked Wastelands, Bane of Orderkeepers, Postmonstyr Botherer, Bluefolk Denier (or sometimes bluefolk-kobold hybrid, he's kind of inconsistent about it), Speaker to the Self, Spammyr of Worlds, Respected and Admired Friend to Sebastian the Monstrosity, Linker of Stupid Youtube Clips, Irritant to Community Managers, and also he sometimes talks about ponies I guess?
Minimum-Maximum Wordcount: 10-15 words per question. No more please. I do not have time for more.
Deadline for Submission: All questions must be submitted before midnight MDT on 4/30/2015.
Maximum Question Count: Kobold Cleaver, Crafter of Titles, will accept no more than ten questions.
Respect Levels Required In Questions: MAXIMUM
Sass Levels Permitted In Questions:
Failure to abide by these simple rules will lead to your being banned from my thread.
don't like, don't read! :)
Banned List (as of 4/30/2015):
James Jacobs, Mikaze and the stupid texan werewolf are banned preemptively from my thread.
If any of them attempt to post here, I will see to it that they never see work in this town again. Except really bad work, like sewage in the poodle thread or something like that. No, wait, I'll make them only do that work. Forever. DO NOT POST ON THIS THREAD IF YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED; PLEASE RESPECT THE CREATOR'S WISHES. YOU WILL JUST LOOK LIKE A SPOILED, PETTY, IMMATURE, INSECURE CHILD WITH A NAPOLEON COMPLEX IF YOU TRY TO BRING YOUR HATER AGENDA TO MY THREAD.
Excuse me, don't let me interrupt your submissions, I just remembered some more people to ban.
Banned List (as of 4/30/2015):
James Jacobs, Milkaze, the stupid texan werewolf, and all my relatives are banned preemptively from my thread.
Do not even think about posting here if you have been banned. My thread is equopped with state-of-the-art defense shooting gun equipment that kobolds built with their trapmaking know-how. I designed it myself, and as a kobold I am basically the best at traps. If you are questioning kobold trapmaking superiority then you are attempting to appropriate, my "friend". Some "friend" you are, though. I hope you see the sarcasm quotes.
Anyways do not post please if you are banned from my thread, this is a friendly environment and we do not want to deal with haters here :)
Dear Mr. Cleaver,
How is it that pugwampis are so amazing?
Dear Mr. Kajehase, I am not sure what this question has to do with me and I am worried you are missing the true value of my thread. That said, pugwampis are amazing because you can get gnolls to stick the little bastards in metal boxes and put them in the center of the camp. Stupid adventurers don't even know why their day is turning out so terrible, and then they die!
Pugwampis are also amazing because you can load them into catapults (we call them "catapugs") and fling them at enemy archers. if they survive, it is quite amusing! It is also amusing if they do not survive. ( ͡O ͜ʖ ͡O)
I am going to sleep now. Do not think that means you can post now, banned people. I will come back. And my fury will be tenfold as big because of the cowardly tactics you now contemplate.
Why don't you ever ask me questions?
Mr. Cleaver, how did you get your special smurf avatar?
Mr. Kobold, do you feel your inferiority, or just presume it?
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What seasonings do you suggest when serving a flamebait post?
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Can we start crushing the unchained rogue yet?
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Dear KC,
Are you merely a kobold who cleaves, or a kobold who cleaves other kobolds? Or perhaps you are a cleaver of kobolds who maintains a clever guise of a kobold (even while in smurf form)? Your name seems a bit vague on this as it could go any of these ways.
Thank you very much for you time and consideration.
- Gobby, aspiring Goblin Cleaver
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John Kretzer, try watching how I answer questions and maybe you will understand your inferiority. That you must ask questions to begin with is evidence that you will never be my equal.
Mr. Cleaver, how did you get your special smurf avatar?
Through the all-consuming envy of Gary Teter.
Banned List (as of 5/1/2015):
James Jacobs, Milkaze, the stupid texan werewolf, all my relatives, and AngryNerdRageDemon are banned from my thread.
I have better things to do than deal with your hateful bile. Do not post here again, or I will immediately inform the authorities and see to it that you are banned to high heaven.
What seasonings do you suggest when serving a flamebait post?
Gnome hands.
Can we start crushing the unchained rogue yet?
Yes. My tribe's superior traps have already crushed three rogues over the last week. It may be harder for non-kobolds, however. :)
Dear KC,
Are you merely a kobold who cleaves, or a kobold who cleaves other kobolds? Or perhaps you are a cleaver of kobolds who maintains a clever guise of a kobold (even while in smurf form)? Your name seems a bit vague on this as it could go any of these ways.
Thank you very much for you time and consideration.
- Gobby, aspiring Goblin Cleaver
I am a kobold who cleaves. Sometimes I cleave clanmates when they get in the way. Look, tactically-speaking I am the best warrior in the tribe, so if cutting through stupid Naknak allows me to hit an extra smelly gnome, that is a sacrifice worth making.
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I need better-quality traps to catch me a couple of short, pudgy intruders. Got any suggestions?
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Why were Kobolds not included as a Player race in the Pathfinder Core Rulebook?
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How long before this thread gets locked?
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How long before this thread gets locked?
After the Pox-eclipse of Judgesmurf Day, SmurfNet (repeatedly) sends a Smurfinator back in time to kill resistance leader Kob Cleaver's mother before she lays his egg. Every temporal incursion warps spacetime enough to lock multiple threads where KC has posted. If this thread is locked, we know SmurfNet has made another attempt.
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I need better-quality traps to catch me a couple of short, pudgy intruders. Got any suggestions?
Try spiked blocks that fall repeatedly at regularly-timed intervals.
Why were Kobolds not included as a Player race in the Pathfinder Core Rulebook?
James Jacobs is responsible for all crimes against the kobold race. You will have to defer all such questions to him. ON ANOTHER THREAD.
How long before this thread gets locked?
L = D * P / (J + I)^K - S
L = Length of thread in pages before lock
D = Divisiveness of original topic—martial disparities is a 3, anything involving babies is a 4-5
P = Number of posters
J = Number of threadjacks
I = Number of political issues that can be tied in to the issue
K = Number of kobolds present
S = Number of smurfs present * 10
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James Jacobs is responsible for all crimes against the kobold race. You will have to defer all such questions to him. ON ANOTHER THREAD.
Why were Kobolds not included as a Player race in the Pathfinder Core Rulebook?
I have heard that Kobolds are considered too powerful for PC use. Is that plausible to you?
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Yes. But James Jacobs is covering it up. Don't trust the Bestiary! Wake up, sheeple!
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Please keep your questions worthy, people. I do not have time for ordinary mainstream drivel.
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I don't know if the sheeple are awake or not... apparently Jacobs has suppressed all lore on their race as well!
{cowers} Now Dread Demon Lord Jacobs the Treeshaver will drop me down the Memory Hole too! I haven't even grown into a full CR 4 yet; I'm too young to die!
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Dear Kobold, Why do you leave such a mess around the toilet?
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Can we start crushing the unchained rogue yet?
How bout the fighter...and monk too also
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Should "Awaken Sheeple" be on the Druid list, or the Bard list (specifically the AM Radio Host Archetype)?
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I need better-quality traps to catch me a couple of short, pudgy intruders. Got any suggestions?Try spiked blocks that fall repeatedly at regularly-timed intervals.
Tried that, doesn't seem to be working. They just stop and wait for them to fall, then either jump over or wait for them to start rising back up then run under. Any other recommendations?
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John Kretzer, try watching how I answer questions and maybe you will understand your inferiority. That you must ask questions to begin with is evidence that you will never be my equal.
I see... well when you thread gets over 500 maybe we'll talk (my thread got 1500+ posts). Also I did not have to start my own thread like some I could mention...;)
Also I have a question...
Why are the people on the banned list banned?
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Dear Kobold, Why do you leave such a mess around the toilet?
AHEM
MY FAMILY IS BANNED FROM THIS THREAD
THAT INCLUDES AND IS BASICALLY LIMITED TO THE MUTATED SLIME-DRIPPING BLUE-TONGUED SKINK WE CALL "JUNE".
Tried that, doesn't seem to be working. They just stop and wait for them to fall, then either jump over or wait for them to start rising back up then run under. Any other recommendations?
Um
S@~!Okay, have you tried rolling things at them yet?
Random idea: Maybe hide all your dangerous superpower-granting magic items inside blocks so they can't get them.
I see... well when you thread gets over 500 maybe we'll talk (my thread got 1500+ posts). Also I did not have to start my own thread like some I could mention...;)
Um wow okay um first you are banned and second I don't talk to banned people.
Why are the people on the banned list banned?
They know why.
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Wait...you can't banned me...see I am posting right now.
Dead Kobold, are you glad to be on Sebastian's favorite person's list?
John Kretzer, I am being the bigger man here and flagging and moved on. I suggest you pick up the tattered remains of your dignity and skitaddle.
And I'm not dead! I'm getting better.
Dear Kobold, how much do you like your Smurfy avatar?
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John Kretzer, I am being the bigger man here and flagging and moved on. I suggest you pick up the tattered remains of your dignity and skitaddle.
And I'm not dead! I'm getting better.
Oh you are serious...well I guess I'll move on than I know when I am not wanted (I have seen that enough in my life)
(Walks away from the thread with the close credits theme song from the Incredible Hulk TV show)
It carries much more dignity than yours, Smurfoth. At least I don't turn into a disgusting mammal.
Dear Kobold, how do you feel about the fact that all kobolds are good for is cannon fodder?
Having said that, Cannon fodder is giving kobolds way too much respect.
John Kretzer, I am being the bigger man here and flagging and moved on. I suggest you pick up the tattered remains of your dignity and skitaddle.
And I'm not dead! I'm getting better.
Oh you are serious...well I guess I'll move on than I know when I am not wanted (I have seen that enough in my life)
(Walks away from the thread with the close credits theme song from the Incredible Hulk TV show)
*Starts blaring terrible dance music to drown out John Kretzer's intense dramatic moment*
MY THREAD
WE PLAY MY G%!*&&N MUSIC
Dear Kobold, how do you feel about the fact that all kobolds are good for is cannon fodder?
Not so gre SHAROTH IS ON PROBATION FOR HIS BLATANT DISRESPECT
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Dear Kobold, so you can't handle the truth?
You are seriously making me want to reexamine your probation.
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Dear Kobold, how does it feel to be smaller than a dwarf? Or a gnome?
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Dear Kobold, do you realize that it is not blatant disrespect, but it is very obvious and in your face disrespect?
My mom told me size doesn't matter. Then she started hitting me with a Little League baseball bat.
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Do Kobolds exhale white smoke when a new leader is chosen?
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Tried that, doesn't seem to be working. They just stop and wait for them to fall, then either jump over or wait for them to start rising back up then run under. Any other recommendations?Um
S~#&
Okay, have you tried rolling things at them yet?
Yep, everything I can get my hands on. Giant swinging maces, bus-sized bowling balls, hells I've even trained some of my Troopas to kick their own shells at the bastards. Nothing seems to work! They just jump over everything!
They have this bizarre trick they do where they jump and spin. What the hell? I can do that, see? *jumps, does a half-turn in the air, lands with a thud, cracking the floor* Err, sorry 'bout that. Anyway. Except when they do it, they just... bounce! Off things that should be doing some serious harm! Spiked balls, spiked shells, high-velocity projectiles... even lava creatures! How the !#(^!??
I hate to put it this way but these guys ain't human. I'm gonna need some bigger guns here. Hence coming to kobolds. You guys have traps down. I need a better supplier! Buying from Magikoopas is just not cuttin' the mustard anymore!
Random idea: Maybe hide all your dangerous superpower-granting magic items inside blocks so they can't get them.
Yeah, I actually tried this one already. They just punch them! These guys must be made of iron! They punch the blocks so hard their contents explode out of the top!
I've lost so many good investments and well-hidden coin stashes this way....
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Kobold, does this outfit make my butt look big?
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Hey is not John Kretzer not on the banned list?
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Kobold do you agree that the Duckworth–Lewis method is the best mathematical formulation to use to calculate the target score for the team batting second in a limited overs cricket match that has been interrupted by weather or other circumstances?
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My mom told me size doesn't matter. Then she started hitting me with a Little League baseball bat.
That is my favorite Christmas memory.
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Dear Kobold, Why do you leave such a mess around the toilet?AHEM
MY FAMILY IS BANNED FROM THIS THREAD
THAT INCLUDES AND IS BASICALLY LIMITED TO THE MUTATED SLIME-DRIPPING BLUE-TONGUED SKINK WE CALL "JUNE".
Oh. You meant us? I was assuming you meant your biological family, not the people who just found you sitting on the curb in front of the medical research facility.