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That's hilariously amazing. Get that kid a publishing agent stat!
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I keep getting reminded that my children have been born into a digital age. My oldest (nearing 20) was trying to explain something rather complex (if I remember right, it had to do with time-travel paradoxes) to my youngest (nearing 10).
My youngest gets a thoughtful look on her face for a moment, and then looks up and says "uuhhhh, search results not found", turns around and just walks right out of the room...
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Context:
I took the kids to Ikea tonight for Kids Eat Free Tuesdays in the cafe.
When I took the little paper cup of ketchup away from my son for the third time because he was trying to drink it, he wailed, "BUT IF I CAN'T DRINK THE KETCHUP I WILL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHEN I WAS A BABY!"
(Exposition: The first time we took him to Five Guys, as a ten-month-old, I gave him a fry dipped in ketchup. He licked the ketchup off the fry, threw the fry, and drank the ketchup. It was adorable at ten months. At almost five, it's not so cute anymore.)
After dinner, as we're leaving Ikea, my daughter is skipping and singing a loud song about dog butts. They sell dog butt wall hooks. I call her name in my best Eloise's Nanny voice. She keeps skipping and says, "I KNOW, Mom; I did that just to irritate you because then you freak out and it's funny."
She's six and a half. That's too damned early for this sort of thing.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Context:
I took the kids to Ikea tonight for Kids Eat Free Tuesdays in the cafe.When I took the little paper cup of ketchup away from my son for the third time because he was trying to drink it, he wailed, "BUT IF I CAN'T DRINK THE KETCHUP I WILL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHEN I WAS A BABY!"
(Exposition: The first time we took him to Five Guys, as a ten-month-old, I gave him a fry dipped in ketchup. He licked the ketchup off the fry, threw the fry, and drank the ketchup. It was adorable at ten months. At almost five, it's not so cute anymore.)
After dinner, as we're leaving Ikea, my daughter is skipping and singing a loud song about dog butts. They sell dog butt wall hooks. I call her name in my best Eloise's Nanny voice. She keeps skipping and says, "I KNOW, Mom; I did that just to irritate you because then you freak out and it's funny."
She's six and a half. That's too damned early for this sort of thing.
I LIKE THESE GUYS!
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So what happens when the young lad discovers that ketchup can be obtained in squeeze bottle form...?
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My daughter want to name the new dog HDMI 1...
It will look great when I call it's name outside the house..
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So what happens when the young lad discovers that ketchup can be obtained in squeeze bottle form...?
One of my old roommates used to drink barbecue sauce out of the bottle. He was 25 at the time.
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So what happens when the young lad discovers that ketchup can be obtained in squeeze bottle form...?One of my old roommates used to drink barbecue sauce out of the bottle. He was 25 at the time.
A friend of mine chugged a bottle of Kraft Italian salad dressing once. It was literally less than 5 minutes before he was sitting on the toilet for the next 4 hours.
"You gotta open up your throat!"
"Hey, can we get some syrup over here?"
"Uh, sorry, we're all out."
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Do you want to wear your t shirt?
No! The sleeves are broken!
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Another story about my son. When was about 3 or so we took him to see Santa at a local supermarket. Santa was played by this really kind older gentleman who truly looked the part. The next summer we were in the store and we see the man in a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots. My son is very excited, and keeps following him around, peeking around the aisles at him. So finally I told him to go and say "Hi". "I can't," he said. "He's not wearing his work clothes."
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I amazed he got the whole bottle down...I would say he should be proud..but...well...I won't.
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I amazed he got the whole bottle down...I would say he should be proud..but...well...I won't.
We were all pretty impressed. Then he spent the game session yelling from the bathroom for someone to make his to hit and saving throw rolls for him.
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LOL..I hope there was a half-bath for the rest of the group!
Sadly, no.
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Ouch....
Visual clip.
Can't wait until Toddler Gersen is old enough to see this.
P.S. Part 2 out in April!
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My son this evening:
"Hey! Who can come help me fold this laundry?"
"Sure! I'll help you, Mom!"
"Excellent! of your jeans."
(snickers and walks away)
"Yeah, I was just kidding."
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My daughter, almost seven, reading the titles of the books on the highest shelf of her bookcase:
"The Call of the Wild... Around the World in Eighty Days... The Urinal..."
"WHAT?!?"
"THE. UR-I-NAL, MOM."
"Hand it to me, please?"
[theatrical sigh] "Oooookay"
"Yearling. Yearling, not urinal."
"Oh."
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"My diaper can fly through the air! Super Owl Poop Wings!"
I seriously need to ban PJ Masks from now on.
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Mrs. Gersen: "Please don't put your boogers on the couch. You put them in a tissue. That's what they're for."
Toddler Gersen: "You put boogers on a pogo stick!!!"
Mrs. Gersen: "What?!"
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With Easter just past I remembered something my son said around the age of 8 or 9. Of course he grew up watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine, so I'm sure this is where he got this one.
We were dyeing eggs for church the next day. He dips an egg into the color solution and looks at me. Then he said in his deepest voice, "This is a good day to dye".
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Teensy Valeros (5), earlier today: "What the HELL?"
Me: "VAL!"
Val: "I said What the Hulk, Mom. Big green guy? Aargh?" (Thumps chest)
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Story checks out!!!
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Me: "Can you help dada clean the kitchen?"
Toddler Gersen: "Okay! I have a plan!"
Me: "Oh, good! What is it?"
Toddler Gersen: "Um, I will need some chalk."
Me: "I'm not getting any help cleaning the kitchen, am I?"
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So I was camping last weekend with several people. One of the children, a 4-year-old boy, not only parrots back any words said to him, but does it proudly. And not all of the words...well...sometimes the parents were going "Ok, who taught him that one?" None of us had. He pulled it out of his archive. At four.
At one point during the trip he runs up to his dad, who was standing in the middle of the camp:
"Hi f$%&-face! I love you!"
Runs off.
His father just stood there, and had no idea how to process what just happened.
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Observing a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" for the first time:
"Soooo... basically, they're just eating each other's puke?"
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My daughter saw an artsy photo of Willie Nelson on her auntie's phone. It was b&w and was shaded in such a way that his beard wasn't immediately noticeable.
My daughter asked her aunt if it was a picture of Sacajawea.
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To be fair, I played HHH as a child, and it is pretty much just as stated.
Point to Teensy V.
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"Dadda, tell me a story about the big bad wolf."
Kirth: [proceeds to recite 'Little Red Riding Hood']
"Dadda, I want another one!"
Kirth: [proceeds to recite 'The Three Little Pigs']
"Dadda, I want another one, only this time the wolf eats all the kids and their families!"
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This morning, Little Gersen, who can't really read yet, announced, very seriously, "This is a good book. A VERY good book. I will go read it in my room. You stay here."
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Graduated to little Gersen from toddler Gersen I see, congrats on your next stage of development Gersen scion!
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In between bites of cereal, apropos to nothing at all, Little Gersen says, "At the roundabout, turn right on Restorf road!" She sounded exactly like the phone GPS voice -- perfect mimicry. We both laughed for like 10 minutes.
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This is going back more than twenty years, but I don't care.
I was cooking myself some breakfast, when my son (about three) came over and asked what I was cooking. "Grits," I told him, "Hominy grits." I picked him up so he could see into the saucepan.
"Forty-two," he said.
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Impus Major: Why does REI have handicapped parking spaces?
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Background info - I had 6 trees (all damaged, dead, or dying) removed from my property, but I wanted to keep the wood. They were supposed to move it for me, but they didn't.
So I recruited my girlfriend's 15-year-old son to help me move 6 large trees' worth of wood.
The boy was trying very hard to shove and twist one of the chunks into place, and I just watched as he was scraping the dirt around and twisting the ground underneath the log.
"Dude, are you tearing up my yard?!?" Full sarcasm mode.
The boy, never stopping with his efforts..."Um...it'll buff out!"
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NobodysHome: So, we won't be around next Saturday because we're going to LazyGuy's memorial service.
Impus Major: Can I come?
NH: Sure! You want to help scatter LazyGuy's ashes?
IM: Sure... Ash fight!!!
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Y'know, all this time, I have believed quite firmly that Impus Major is chaotic good and just has a very twisted sense of humor and no filter.
But every now and then I wonder if he's Loki in disguise.
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One of my four-year-old students today referred to another staff member's crutches as "cockroaches".
As in, "Ms. R., how do you walk on your cockroaches?"
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One of my four-year-old students today referred to another staff member's crutches as "cockroaches".
As in, "Ms. R., how do you walk on your cockroaches?"
The little ones give the best malapropisms...
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And now I'm picturing a supervillain making an entrance on a wave of cockroaches, arms crossed, reminiscent of Ian McKellen's Magneto.
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I mentioned this on FaWtL, but this is a good place for it.
Tiny T-Rex, our youngest, is almost 8, at take your child to work day he was asked "If you were stranded on a desert island what is the one thing you'd want to have with you?"
His answer "A boat".
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Correct answer.
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Impus Major: I love how they have the audacity to call it an "Instant Pot" when most meals you cook in it cook over hours.
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Impus Major: To deter package thieves, you should just put out a land mine in a package on your porch once every few weeks. Wait... wouldn't that still be murder? Why would that be murder?!?!?!
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And now I'm picturing a supervillain making an entrance on a wave of cockroaches, arms crossed, reminiscent of Ian McKellen's Magneto.
*emits pheromones indicating barely-contained anticipation*
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When I was a kid, I used to see the Rose Bowl parade and think "why don't we go? The Rose Bowl is right in town!" So I asked my mom if we could go to the Rose Bowl parade and she said "we can't afford to go to California" "but the Rose Bowl is right in town, we don't have to go to California!" "Dear" she said, the Rose Bowl in town is just a bowling alley".
Disappointment.
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MY NEIGHBOR'S SON (who is 3): Do people eat chipmunks?
ME: No.
HIM: Why not?
ME: Because they're too small.
HIM: They're not too small.
ME: ...