Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
aka Jayson MF Kip
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Fellbough Hookhammer
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 16,620 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The first of these small-sized +1/+1 gnome hooked hammers was crafted after a lightning storm felled a monumental ash tree, its scorched haft a reminder that even the tallest can be made low. Whenever the wielder makes a trip attempt with the fellbough hookhammer, treat the wielder’s size bonus to CMB as if she were one size larger. A creature tripped by the fellbough hookhammer cannot make attacks of opportunity as long as it remains prone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, enlarge person, litany of sloth; Cost 8,310 gp
Cost/Price don't match. Slight wording and formatting issues. The thing I like about this one is the way it uses the required spells to get to its idea. It also has elegance on its side. However, the abilities are just a bit lackluster, and I wish you counted as one size larger for all purposes (including how big a foe you could trip). I was on the edge on this one, but I'm willing to give it a chance as an alternate. If enough DQs happened that you make it into the Top 32, congratulations to the author, but you still have a lot to prove.
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Hi there! I'll be one of the judges for this round, and I'll be looking at a couple of key points for your item: flavor, usability, and how the item is presented. For some background, I helped found the Wayfinder fanzine before I started working for Paizo, and I oversee every third-party Pathfinder Roleplaying Game product that makes its way onto Paizo.com.
Flavor
Uninspiring name, and the abilities don't get any better.
Usability
Gnomes already get a host of options to kick down things bigger than them, and this doesn't make me want to add it to a character's repertoire.
Presentation
Weapon size referenced incorrectly, pricing off. Adheres to formatting guidelines.
Final Thoughts
Lackluster name, backstory feels wedged in, unimpressive abilities. I do not recommend this item for advancement.
Modules Overlord
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My approach to judging these items is "How would I approach this as a developer?" If I would be pleased by the turnover and not see any reason to give negative feedback to the writer, that's great! If I'd keep it but it would take a lot of work or I'd want to let the writer know what needed improvement, that's fine but not perfect. If I'd scrap the item because it would be faster to write new material myself, that's bad.
This ends up near the top of my list of rejects. I like the idea, but the name and lackluster abilities don't grab me. I think doing something with a hooked hammer is a cool idea, and having it be gnome-realted makes sense... but gnomes have a lot more going on than a "bigger they are" thing. If the cost had been right, and the idea just a tad more interesting, I'd have made it a keeper. As it is, it doesn't quite make the cut for me.
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
aka Jayson MF Kip
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Firstly, to anyone who voted for or against my submission, thanks for the consideration.
Secondly, the critique is the best part of the contest. I appreciate anyone's opinion of my submission. Criticism is even better!
On the off chance anyone wants a bit of background info, I wanted something that would make sense for small martial characters- -all of the "gnome stuff" I always come across is catered to their more magical talents. I couldn't find another ability I liked add to the weapon that didn't feel either superfluous or extraneous.
The sparse backstory is semi-intentional- -it can fit in any PFRPG game, on Golarion or otherwise.
Once again, thanks for consideration, and doubly so for comments.
I think limiting the item to small size was a mistake. most magic weapons don't specify a size and thus can be made to whatever size needed. To me it doesn't do enough to truly shine, but the concept of a great item is there.
Congrats, Jeff.
I believe I both up- and down-voted your item. I really don't care for the history in the item, though you were smart and noted that it was just the first of these hammers; too often we see items that say they're created by so-and-so, as if the designer doesn't realize they can be made by any PC/NPC with the right prerequisites.
Beyond that, I think playing with the size is a smart choice for the racial weapon of a Small race. Still, I feel like it doesn't do enough. It's basically a bonus to CMB, with the other power (which is more original) almost feeling tacked on. I thought this felt like something I could see in a book of magic items, but not something I think I'd often buy/want for my characters.
I'm sure it's frustrating being so close to the Top 32, but knowing you have to hope someone else messes up or doesn't submit. Buckle down and focus on making the best map you can, though, and best of luck!
Congrats! I only made Dedicated, so your item was one of the items I didn't get to vote on.
I really like that you tried to help small characters in melee combat, especially gnomes who don't even get a halfling's Dex bump. It isn't that expensive, but I too wish it did more (more what, I dunno), but magic weapon pricing rules make it tough to keep it affordable.
Don't be discouraged by being "only" an Alternate... being in the Top 36 is something to wear proudly. So buckle down, get the sugar and caffeine on a drip feed, and do your best for Round 2! Good luck. :)
You managed to pack a lot of flavor into an item with very simple mechanics and description. When an idea is good enough, it doesn't need any elaborate additions to make a great item and you proved it. I personally prefer the more complex items, but can still appreciate the elegance of this one.
Congratulations!
Congratulations on making it as an alternate!
Thoughts: fairly solid weapon with a few minor issues. My main reason for voting this one rarely was the rather heavy handed flavour. The theme is pushed a little too strong. A less forced back story and better name could have greatly helped.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 36!
I downvoted this a lot, I'm afraid. And the reason for that is that I found it to be uninspired. Now it's essentially just a static bonus to trip attempts, nothing more. Sure the writing and imagery are evocative and I do like the gnome tie-in, but you had room to add more mojo and you decided not to use it, which counted against you.
The lack of AoOs was a step in the right direction, but even that isn't that big of a deal and I've found that it doesn't come up that often that a prone character even wants or gets to make AoOs. At least not in my games.
Still, I like your writing style and the background, while perhaps unneeded, was pleasing to read. The best of luck for the future!
Congratulations, Jeff! I appreciate the decision you made to include backstory, especially for such a (literally) exotic weapon. Hopefully this year is a valuable learning experience, since you obviously have the chops to make top 32, you just need to streamline your contest-fu a little bit. Best of luck!
Fellbough Hookhammer
Congratulations Jeff.
The fellbough was 50/50 on votes for me. I thought it fell down on backstory, which justified/clarified its name. A short item with very little of the wordcount going to the item, and a size bonus is kind of meh. Where I thought it succeeded was the conditional use. I thought damaging an opponent more after damaging an opponent was an easy trap for a weapon to fall into and this item avoided in a nice, simple, clear and evocative way with a tactic many people already employ. The 'size bonus' is good choice because it can stack with even enlarge person.Good luck!
Congratulations on making it to the opening page of this year's RPG Superstar Chris!
The fellbough hookhammer has a fun and interesting name that makes me eager to read more. The ability essentially provides a bonus to trip attempts, but does so in a way that is a little more interesting than normal. I can appreciate that.
The best advice I have for writing a good item description is to assume it's the description a GM will be reading to his players when they ask about the treasure they just found. You can't make assumptions about the setting and backstory details in that case, and including material that a GM will be forced to edit out as he's reading is a bother, no matter how interesting that story is.
Tripping is already one of the most powerful combat maneuvers in the game and I often groan when I see another item that makes it easier. That said, the assumption here is that a small creature is using it. It's not restricted to small creatures though, so I expect I would see these in the hands of many trip builds, especially when they can find ways to get racial weapon proficiencies for free via a certain PFS boon. I'd have to research those builds a little more to know if this item would be giving them something they can't already do, but it is a concern.
I hope this will help your designs going forward. I wouldn't be afraid to see more from you given where you went with this item. Well done!
Fellbough Hookhammer
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 16,620 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The first of these small-sized +1/+1 gnome hooked hammers was crafted after a lightning storm felled a monumental ash tree, its scorched haft a reminder that even the tallest can be made low. Whenever the wielder makes a trip attempt with the fellbough hookhammer, treat the wielder’s size bonus to CMB as if she were one size larger. A creature tripped by the fellbough hookhammer cannot make attacks of opportunity as long as it remains prone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, enlarge person, litany of sloth; Cost 8,310 gp
Is the Item Decorative?
Since minimum information is presented on what run-of-the-mill versions of this item look like, the only assessment that it's possible to make regarding the decorative potential of this item is that it's small (thus convenient for filling some otherwise quite 'awkward' spaces) and a vaguely interesting or 'different' shape.
Decorative score? 2 out of 7.
Does the Item have Any Obvious non-Decorative Use Around the Home?
No. Not unless one's domicile happens to be, for example, at the bottom of a mine-shaft, in which case it might be useful for making living quarter expansions; but in the vast majority of residences, any non-decorative opportunities for use of this item about the home are - let's face it - going to be non-existent.
non-Decorative Domestic Use score? 0 out of 7.
Does the Item seem Likely to be Helpful in the Fantasy Setting of an Imaginary World where 'Operation Sealion' is taking Place?
So the (for simplicity's sake) Nasties are lining up with all their little boats to launch an invasion-attempt across a strait upon a nation of perfectly (socially) harmless tea-drinkers. And then there's this item.
So what impact is this item likely to have on proceedings?
Well none. Not unless it's assumed that the presence of such an item indicates the existence in said imaginary world of a hithertofore undiscovered race of gnomes - but that seems highly improbable.
'Sealion' score? 0 out of 7.
Total: 2 out of 21.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Congrats on making the alternate list.
Overall, this doesn't resonate with me that much. I do like the playing with size to help a small character who wants to be martial, but the actual effects aren't that great. Treating as one size larger pretty much translates to a +1 bonus. I'd much rather see a power that gave a larger bonus, say +4 to CMB checks to trip when targeting a creature larger than the wielder.
The no AOOs for creatures you trip is okay, but not sure how really useful that is. I think I'd rather see something that really made it smart to be prone from tripping, whether that be making melee attacks from prone provoke an AOO, or having a -4 to damage in addition to the standard -4 to attack.
For what the item does, it seems over priced as well. The +1/+1 is 4k, and the other powers area a whopping 12K - for a +1 to CMB for trip and a limited utility of no AOOs from those you trip. I'd probably price that at more like 4K at most. If you simply made the weapon +2 on the end that does the tripping, then you'd get the +1 to CMB included with the additional +1 to attack and damage, for 6K, and still have 6K left for AOO denial.
You can see my full commentary on your item on my dedicated critique thread here.
To understand my method of commenting, you'll likely need to read the first entry.
Why am I critiquing every item? Well, frankly, I love this sort of thing. I sincerely enjoy editing and the art of the critique. I have long considered starting a blog to that end, and maybe this will be the kickstart I need. Speaking of which, if you want to hire an editor, I'd be happy to help ;)
Regardless, the point of my criticism is always to help. Nothing is perfect, so everything can potentially be made better. My comments will often be less than flattering, but they will never come from a place of malice. The point here is to make your item better, not to make you feel bad.
So, what am I looking for, here, when I judge these items? My primary focus is on rules knowledge, clarity/simplicity, and usability. You can come up with the most creative item on the planet, but if nobody is going to actually use it in a real game, who cares? And it doesn't matter if nobody uses it because it's obviously too strong, too weak for its price, too confusing/complicated to actually adjudicate at the table, or just too niche to have an actual target audience. What I am generally not looking at is flavor text. Descriptions of your item will only hurt if the item evokes imagery I dislike. I care about theme, of course, but a crow item with blind and pilfering hand in it is thematic enough--I don't need to read about different kinds of dark wood were used and how many crow parts are sticking out of it.
Finally, know that I did not read any critiques of your item yet. These are all my first thoughts based only on the item itself, so, I apologize if I repeat things others have said already.
Now, let's get to the critique!
Its only power seems to be "+1 to trip," or rather "you don't get -1 to trip." And I say that this is the only real power because you have to successfully trip someone before the "no AoOs" ability triggers, and a simple +1 isn't going to get the job done when you're still a small character (likely with a strength penalty), the size restriction on tripping (since you only get to use the CMB of a larger creature, nothing else), and the implication that you're dual wielding (as this is a double weapon) giving yourself a further -2.
I just can't see this trip happening with enough regularity to justify this much money. Seriously, a +1/+1 hooked hammer should cost in the 4k range, so there's 12k wasted cash here. In fact, for 16k, you could have just had a +2/+2 hooked hammer that also gave +1 to trip, but, you know, was more useful the rest of the time when you're not tripping (which you probably shouldn't bother doing).
If my party found this, I doubt anyone would even be able to use it--I've never seen any gnome that had martial proficiency in real play anyway. We'd sell it in a second. Nobody would order this--maybe in a larger size? I still doubt it, though.
Overall, I don't get the appeal, sorry.
Edit: A lot of people seem to be harping on the backstory, which, I have to admit, I didn't even notice. I could not care less about backstory one way or the other, so it does not enter into my critique at all.
Disclaimer: I don't offer critique/analysis on items unless it is explicitly requested by the author. As this is the case, let's get going :)
First off: Congratulations on the Alternate for 2015!
Fellbough Hookhammer
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 16,620 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The first of these small-sized +1/+1 gnome hooked hammers was crafted after a lightning storm felled a monumental ash tree, its scorched haft a reminder that even the tallest can be made low. Whenever the wielder makes a trip attempt with the fellbough hookhammer, treat the wielder’s size bonus to CMB as if she were one size larger. A creature tripped by the fellbough hookhammer cannot make attacks of opportunity as long as it remains prone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, enlarge person, litany of sloth; Cost 8,310 gp
Style: The gnome hooked hammer is a weapon designed and heavily used by gnomes, and is intended to be good at tripping things. The fellbough hookhammer is then enhanced to make the wearer slightly better at tripping, and give extra benefits when they do so, so that mostly fits the theme. The weapon doesn't actually allow you to trip anything larger than normal, so the description doesn't really match the powers in that regard, which makes me sad.
Usability: Extremley niche. It's a non-finesse weapon for small sized wielders, which requires the TWF feats, Combat Expertise and Improved Trip to put to use, and for non-gnomes, Exotic Weapon Proficiency; in essence it requires 3-4 feats to use competently, and 8-9 to use well.
Using well: As above, plus Double Slice, Power Attack, Improved Two-Weapon Fighting, Greater Trip, Combat Reflexes
Using the weapon, it grants a +1 bonus to making trip attempts, and when a creature is tripped with this weapon it cannot make attacks of opportunity while prone. You are still limited to tripping creatures of medium size and smaller, and other than the +1, the weapon grants no other bonuses to doing so. If you trip a creature, it cannot make attacks of opportunity, which could in turn allow someone without the appropriate feats to perform a combat maneuver on it, or allies to move away safely without using a five foot step or withdraw action.
To me, this appears to be a very situational benefit for a very niche role.
Clarity: Perfectly clear.
Pricing: Nitpicking the numbers.
- Gnome hooked hammer = 20gp
- Masterwork double weapon = 600gp
- 2 x +1 Enhancement = 4000gp
- +1 to trip, call it 50% of a +1 CMB = 500gp
- litany of sloth at-will = 1st lvl spell x CL1 x 2000 = 2000gp
- Total = 7,120gp; Cost = 3,870gp
Not sure what I'm getting from the remaining 9,500gp of the price tag.
Summary: If feels like there is something that was cut out of this item at the last minute, and is now lying on the editing room floor. Something awesome. I don't know what that something could have been: maybe it was X/day trip-anything powers; maybe it was letting you throw people around whom you successfully tripped; maybe it was a free trip attempt on a successful AO that had bonuses based on how much bigger the target was than you. I don't know.
The writing is good, the mechanics are clear, but it feels like 75% of an item both in terms of what it does and what it costs, and that missing piece makes it feel like wasted potential. This is compounded with an extremely niche design which I just can't muster any excitement for, except to speculate on what it could have been =/