What kind of questions would a goblin interviewer ask a human?

[Wycen]

I'm looking for humorous answers more than psycho-killer responses, but here's the situation.

We liberated a prisoner, a goblin. Not for humanitarian reasons - I don't want another thread on goblin babies and paladins.

We've temporarily returned to town to sell loot and find another warm body.

Our fighter died in the last session and so we are in recruiting mode. In order to give the goblin something to do, and because I think it would be funny, I figured we'd put him on the interview panel, along with 2 party members.

Now, we of course are going to accept this new character into our party, but I think it would be fun for the DM to ask the "potential hire" some questions, from a goblins point of view of course.

This is a non-Golarion specific campaign, but goblins apparently still like fire. So, what would a goblin recruiter ask a human, or elf, or whatever?

[Starglim]

It's not quite the same thing, but have you seen Gremlins II?

[Little Skylark]

I assume that the questions of the goblins are not necessarily constructive.
How do you keep from eating each other?
How much money would it take for you to kill one of your party members?
(This would indirect be a question about evil/good)

[thistledown]

Do you have good taste? Can I check?

[GeoffA]

How many ways do you know to set someone on fire?

Followed up by either a dramatic and disappointed sigh, or an eager, "Can you teach me?"

[Fromper]

"What the biggest fire you ever make?"

"How many other humans you eat to get so big?"

[archmagi1]

"Dogs. Hate, or really hate?"

"Which art form do you find more refined? Poo slinging, blood smearing, or fire?"

"When ripping the heart from your enemy's still living body, do you a) consume immediately, or b) teabag the sap for the two seconds give or take before he loses consciousness then consume?"

"Which of the following items would you find more valuable: broken chair leg, empty bottle of hooch, full chamberpot, or six eyeballs?"

[Sesharan]

"How much fire would a firechucker chuck if a firechucker just chucked you?"

[Gregg Helmberger]

"Give five reasons you no kill goblins. Now give five more."

"Which party member you laugh hardest when die?"

After several lengthy answers have been gleaned by the others on the panel:

"How come you still have so many words if you can write?"

[Wycen]

Hah! I especially appreciate the goblin syntax. Keep em coming!

[CalebTGordan]

What you look for in good junkyard?

You good with me kill your horse?

Zarongel, he best god no?

What better. Pickle sqirrel, dog tail, or salted eyes?

How much bull slugs you eat in minute?

[darkwarriorkarg]

How about humourus psychotic?

1) When taking town, you torch orphanage, torch stables, torch kennels. What is best order?

2) Where you see yourself in five years?

3) You prefer roasted, boiled or fried?

4) What you is better with long pig, garlic and onion, or fine herbs?

5) How long you stay caged as child?

6) best place to hide: Oven or dark corners next to crib?

[Xuttah]

If you has five pickles, and you gives me three pickles...mmm...pickles. You got pickles?

[ANebulousMistress]

What is making best pickles? Eyes, toes, tongues, or ears?

[Mortuum]

"What'd you pay me to let you in the group?"

"Oh gods. What HAPPENED to you?"

"How'd ya stop me if I tried to stab your throat in the night?"

"Something bothering you friend?"

"If you die can I have your stuff?"

"Sing me your fight song!"

"I don't get it. Why are we sitting here talking?"

[Wycen]

One last weekend bump before our game Sunday.

[Vamptastic]

"Change?"

[Ansel Krulwich]

"How many words you know that rhyme with 'bash the pup'?"

[Uncle Teddy]

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck...
... oh look, a squirrel! Here squirrel! Here squirrel!"

"Are you going to eat that?"

"What is your opinion on firearms?"

[Turin the Mad]

"What is best fire dance you do?"

Hint: any answer other than 'Tiberium Candle-dance' is wrong. Anyone that has played C&C knows what the Tiberium Candle-dance is. ;)

[Uncle Teddy]

As the goblin PC in one of the games I'm running would say, "Someone stole my kite."

Yes, I know that's not a question but that's what the goblin would say, hoping the interviewee would help him find it.

[TimD]

What best stuff I get if you die?
What best part of you to eat if you die? … & why?
What best way to eat horse? ... what best way to eat dog?
You smarter than goblin dog? … smarter than goblin? … smarter than hobgoblin? … smarter than bugbear? … prove / tell how!
How much fire can you make? … what best way you have to make fire?
Does your head get smaller and smaller the more words you read or is it as small as it’s going to get?
How you eat anything with such small and weak mouth?
<Personal breeding questions redacted, but appropriate>
Why does your skin cook different than goblin skin? (because he knows that it does)
What demon lord smile on you to give you YOUR magic? (because he knows which one gave him his)
Why humans always try to put guts back in after they fall out? (because he’s disemboweled both humans and horses)
What your best song for fire? … for horse-killing? … for dog-killing? … best song period?

-TimD

[Bucko Rackingclaw]

"Why youses heads so little?"

"Why youses longshanks tastes likes pigs?"

"Where fireworks and bang bangs?"

"You wants make mushy mushy behinds tree?"

[Wycen]

Feel free to continue for your own enjoyment. I forwarded several to the DM expecting we could have a little fun before we started rolling dice and then he forwarded me a copy of the goblin's character sheet.

That's when I noticed the goblin speaks only goblin. So I just posted them to our FB group before the game.

[Uncle Teddy]

"Why youses teeth so dull?"

"Where my horsechopper?"

"Can I has your knife?"

The goblins pulls out a jar of dried beetles and begins to eat them. "Want some?"

"My back itchy. Can you scratch?"

[Cardboard Hero]

Can youse count?
If youse see your tribe mate near cliff, you push? Why not?
What you do if they tell you you stole? Who you gonna blame?
Can you reach high shelf? Good, bring me pickles and cookies, now.
What best, raw birds or raw beetles?

[Ansel Krulwich]

"You sign here... TRICK QUESTION!!!" *draw dogslicer*

[Aziza Plumbockett]

Bucko Rackingclaw wrote:

"You wants make mushy mushy behinds tree?"

I am SO going to use that next time I get to NPC a gobbo in a game... :)

[Owly]

I like all of these answers, myself. :) I like playing goblins as murderous little grinning muppets who may or may not be easily swayed by pie and/or a good diplomacy roll.

[Fitzwalrus]

Owly wrote:

....murderous little grinning muppets who may or may not be easily swayed by pie and/or a good diplomacy roll.

That may just be the best description of Goblins that I've ever seen.... ;D

[Uncle Teddy]

There's always the option of having the goblin just stare at the person, not saying anything, and then lick their lips with a hungry look in their eyes.

[Turin the Mad]

While playing with tindertwigs.