Eh. My total cost of attendance, with housing and food and clothing and all that, is 24K a year. Of that, I borrow about 8K a year from the Feds. That is pretty cheap for the modern United States.
I'm an urban planning major. So, not bad money, but not rich, either.
I'm more resigned to the cost and somewhat uncomfortable with the roommate thing than I am seriously upset about the whole situation, but that might be a confidence kick from the Cape Cods I've been drinking.
* Blinks.
That's undergrad housing?
I'd have to go dig up my receipts to be absolutely sure but I'm all but certain my single occupancy dorm room and later townhouse bedroom (also single occupancy) was less than that for the semester even with inflation adjustment.
And I went to a pricey private school in the city.
For your sake I hope your aid is good and you're going to be making hedge fund manager money.
Housing in cities is pretty expensive right now. 2400 in some cities are actually a GREAT deal! (some other cities, probably not though).
I'd be rather cautious however, presenting as a woman in a man's townhouse or in segregated housing...you think your family was rough...
Depending on where it's at, that could be REALLY bad...like seriously bad juju. In, it may be better to live an hour or two away in someplace more affordable where you can have your own place and commute every day than to try that...type rough.
College males can be particularly biased, prejudice, and judgemental...and it only takes one to create a REALLY BAD day.
In either case, good luck. Don't mean to bring out bad news, or rain on anyone's parade, but if I were your parent (not that your parents would have this type of concern), I'd be concerned about your safety in a situation with that many unknowns.
You could be very lucky, but you could also be in literal danger. Or maybe I'm just overly concerned because of things I've seen in my own life.
Seriously, good luck, but be careful.
System Administrator
|
| 11 people marked this as a favorite. |
As someone who went to college post transition, administrative people are often for more willing to listen and deal with those kinds of situations than an 18 year old boy just coming out of high school. Chances are they will look for someone who is specifically more compatible for you. You likely won't be their first rodeo. You might even get an apartment to yourself. =) Also, when you get on campus, find the LGBT association and signup. You can make contacts and possibly find a roommate for the next semester or the following year and if your really lucky, make lifelong friends. They will also likely have a safe space. Also, please, please, please be very careful. College is generally better than high school but there is still a lot of growing up and maturing for them to do.
|
System Administrator
|
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Also, also, sign up for the university health care and start seeing a therapist sooner rather than later. The university health care in general is usually super liberal and cheap comparatively and by the time you graduate you can have basically gone through your entire transition from start to operation if you want or need to go that far.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Housing in cities is pretty expensive right now. 2400 in some cities are actually a GREAT deal! (some other cities, probably not though).
It's San Francisco. I don't know what else I expected.
I'd be rather cautious however, presenting as a woman in a man's townhouse or in segregated housing...you think your family was rough...
I wouldn't call them rough, because I never came out. My paternal grandmother is a feminist veteran of the 60s culture wars who finds transwomen to be an insult to everything she fought for, and she's the closent to me at the moment.
Depending on where it's at, that could be REALLY bad...like seriously bad juju. In, it may be better to live an hour or two away in someplace more affordable where you can have your own place and commute every day than to try that...type rough.
That won't save enough money (Oakland, San Mateo Country, and Silicon Valley are all expensive) to offset the daily harassment of the commute. If I live outside San Francisco, I need train access to the city, plus monthly passes for that system and MUNI. Two hours away with allowances for public transit delays only gets me to Mountain View, and I REALLY don't want to ride Caltrain into the city and then ride MUNI all the way across city two times every day. What I'm paying is worth it not to do that, at least.
College males can be particularly biased, prejudice, and judgemental...and it only takes one to create a REALLY BAD day.
As bad as Job Corps males? Lived in a 60 student dorm where we weren't allowed to have bedroom doors for 15 months. Wasn't out as trans at that time, though.
In either case, good luck. Don't mean to bring out bad news, or rain on anyone's parade, but if I were your parent (not that your parents would have this type of concern), I'd be concerned about your safety in a situation with that many unknowns.
They aren't paying for college, I don't live under their roof and haven't for the last four years, and I don't take advice from people who are so paranoid they flip out if their kid sees a picture of one American guy in an Islamic skull cap on an online messageboard and scream about how the NSA is going to see it and investigate them for links to terrorism and get stepdad fired from his government job. Yea. That's what I dealt with as a kid. Or their whole "You can't ever go to Denver without parental supervision despite living next to it because it's full of black people who will beat you and take all your stuff because you are white" thing. I was nineteen, but their roof, their rules. My parents get end-of-the-world worried about everything. They don't know I'm trans, but they'd be worried completely out of proportion, like they always are, and if my roommate were a racial minority they'd completely lose it.
Anyway, my parents can keep their concerns to themselves.
You could be very lucky, but you could also be in literal danger. Or maybe I'm just overly concerned because of things I've seen in my own life.
Seriously, good luck, but be careful.
I can't disagree with that. I am, after all, not fully comfortable with this situation, and caution is certainly warranted.
As someone who went to college post transition, administrative people are often for more willing to listen and deal with those kinds of situations than an 18 year old boy just coming out of high school. Chances are they will look for someone who is specifically more compatible for you. You likely won't be their first rodeo. You might even get an apartment to yourself. =)I don't like the idea of giving administration personal information like that, though.
Also, when you get on campus, find the LGBT association and signup. You can make contacts and possibly find a roommate for the next semester or the following year and if your really lucky, make lifelong friends. They will also likely have a safe space. Also, please, please, please be very careful. College is generally better than high school but there is still a lot of growing up and maturing for them to do.Of course. Hopefully uni LGBT club isn't the dramafest,community college LGBT club was.
Also, also, sign up for the university health care and start seeing a therapist sooner rather than later. The university health care in general is usually super liberal and cheap comparatively and by the time you graduate you can have basically gone through your entire transition from start to operation if you want or need to go that far.
They were talking about that in orientation, too.
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
My paternal grandmother is a feminist veteran of the 60s culture wars who finds transwomen to be an insult to everything she fought for, and she's the closent to me at the moment.
Oh goodness, TERFs. I don't blame you for not coming out.
They were talking about that in orientation, too.
Not sure where your end goal is, but if you can save yourself some hassle by at least keeping some folks in the loop, it might work out a lot better in the long run.
I've already mentioned the 'be careful' part. The other part is 'have fun and learn'.
|
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
As someone who went to college post transition, administrative people are often for more willing to listen and deal with those kinds of situations than an 18 year old boy just coming out of high school. Chances are they will look for someone who is specifically more compatible for you. You likely won't be their first rodeo. You might even get an apartment to yourself. =)I don't like the idea of giving administration personal information like that, though.
Here's the thing -- unless every person living in the building is supportive, there's a decent chance administration will become involved. It might be much better for you to get out in front of the situation.
My wife is trans, and has worked in university administration. I'm going to ask her if she has any recommendations, and will get back to you.
In the end, of course, you have to do what makes you most comfortable. It is my opinion that you will find the administration more helpful than you might fear, but you know the details better than I do.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Housing in cities is pretty expensive right now. 2400 in some cities are actually a GREAT deal! (some other cities, probably not though).It's San Francisco. I don't know what else I expected.
I'd be rather cautious however, presenting as a woman in a man's townhouse or in segregated housing...you think your family was rough...I wouldn't call them rough, because I never came out. My paternal grandmother is a feminist veteran of the 60s culture wars who finds transwomen to be an insult to everything she fought for, and she's the closent to me at the moment.
Depending on where it's at, that could be REALLY bad...like seriously bad juju. In, it may be better to live an hour or two away in someplace more affordable where you can have your own place and commute every day than to try that...type rough.That won't save enough money (Oakland, San Mateo Country, and Silicon Valley are all expensive) to offset the daily harassment of the commute. If I live outside San Francisco, I need train access to the city, plus monthly passes for that system and MUNI. Two hours away with allowances for public transit delays only gets me to Mountain View, and I REALLY don't want to ride Caltrain into the city and then ride MUNI all the way across city two times every day. What I'm paying is worth it not to do that, at least.
College males can be particularly biased, prejudice, and judgemental...and it only takes one to create a REALLY BAD day.As bad as Job Corps males? Lived in a 60 student dorm where we weren't allowed to have bedroom doors for 15 months. Wasn't out as trans at that time, though.
BART goes out quite a way, I think Dublin/Pleasanton area is still within the striking distance of San Fran.
And yes, as bad (actually can be worse) than Job Corp Males. San Fran can be more friendly, but it really depends on who you get. People have literally been killed in situations like yours (even in San Fran). I know you might not want to, but talking to the administration may actually be a wise idea, they probably have had prior experience with these types of situations and normally they are interested in keeping people safe.
I'm not in your shoes and don't know the entire situation though, but springing this on the wrong group of guys could make your life a living hell (to say the least).
The administration hopefully could put you with someone more accepting and tolerant. You could get lucky as well, and have a very tolerant or even enthusiastic roommate, but the exact opposite could also be true.
Nothing is worse than being stuck with someone who would rather see you dead than anything else. As I said, it could be overly concern on my part, but I've lived through some harsh discrimination and it is definitely NO picnic or day at the park.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
As someone who went to college post transition, administrative people are often for more willing to listen and deal with those kinds of situations than an 18 year old boy just coming out of high school. Chances are they will look for someone who is specifically more compatible for you. You likely won't be their first rodeo. You might even get an apartment to yourself. =)I don't like the idea of giving administration personal information like that, though.
I understand this is a sensitive issue so what I'm about to say might come across as harsh... Maybe think of it as tough love? Anyway, you're obviously concerned with the upcoming situation, the obvious solution is presented to you and you discard it because you 'don't like' it?! Is this really the time for you to take such risks? Don't get me wrong, I think there's definitely something to be said for keeping personal information private but this sounds needlessly reckless. Its such a small price to pay for so much security (in more than one sense) gained I would have a hard time trying to justify not making that choice. I say swallow your pride for now. Plenty of time to get it back later.
|
System Administrator
|
If you're going to say, Berkley, or another fairly liberal college in the San Francisco area, you are probably better than I was, going to the ag school in the middle ofoklahoma with the surprisingly good computer program. =) At some point, the administration will probably be aware of your situation. If your roommate sees you presenting female, it's likely to come up.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
As someone who went to college post transition, administrative people are often for more willing to listen and deal with those kinds of situations than an 18 year old boy just coming out of high school. Chances are they will look for someone who is specifically more compatible for you. You likely won't be their first rodeo. You might even get an apartment to yourself. =) Also, when you get on campus, find the LGBT association and signup. You can make contacts and possibly find a roommate for the next semester or the following year and if your really lucky, make lifelong friends. They will also likely have a safe space. Also, please, please, please be very careful. College is generally better than high school but there is still a lot of growing up and maturing for them to do.
I am not Trans...but I agree with advice 100%. Most college campuses, at least in liberal areas, are going to be somewhat familiar with your situation, and can help match you with a room mate situation that might be more amenable to you situation. Going in blind with a male room mate in college is always a crap shoot in the best of circumstances. A bad room mate match could make your first semester hell, and even if you get a good room mate that might not insulate you from general harassment from other guys on the floor. My experience has been that college age kids are just that...kids, and often incredibly immature.
| 7 people marked this as a favorite. |
I work in higher ed. At the University I'm at, the administration takes LGBT issues very, very seriously. Unless you're at a conservative religious college, I would very strongly recommend talking with the housing office of your school to get ahead of this. I know that our housing office will make changes to housing assignments to take into account many different issues. It's possible that there's another transwoman in campus housing for whom they're already trying to find a more appropriate roommate, and your coming forward would solve that problem for them!
I would not spring your transition onto your new roommate without giving him a heads-up. The last thing you want would be for him to file a sexual harrassment complaint against you.
|
|
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Haven't spoken to my wife yet (I'm still at work), but I'm remembering conversations that I've had with her on the subject in the past.
Good first points of contact would be:
the Diversity Office (if the university has one)
the faculty advisor for the university LGBT group. By going directly to the faculty advisor, you can probably avoid the sort of drama you are worried about with other students
They should be able to tell you how best to approach the situation.
Believe it or not, bureaucracies are often the best folks to deal with in these cases, as long as you are at an institutions with trans policies in place. Bureaucrats will usually do everything they can to make sure that policies are followed to the letter -- it's what they do. And if they *like* you, they can move mountains.
My two most awesome stories from my transition involve the County Court and the DMV.
|
Of course. Hopefully uni LGBT club isn't the dramafest,community college LGBT club was..
Drama is usually inherent to any given organization, but I will note I found it decreased significantly as I went from Community College to a Commuter University to a major University with on campus housing. The level also seemed to be directly related to how well the organizations were supported by the University (more support usually meant better guidance and in turn, a better/more welcoming org).
I think drama just tends to be inherent in organizations largely filled with young college age students
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I think drama just tends to be inherent in organizations largely filled with young college age studentsOh, adults do it too, I promise =D They just dress it up differently.
I can testify to this.
An online anti-racist heathen group I helped moderate was home to people of all ages, but incidentally, the founder mods who turned out to care more about their egos than actual anti-racism were responsible for a huge tantrum in which they banned all mods except for themselves, and dramafest that ultimately led to the collapse of our heathen group and a schism.
The rest of the modship (including myself, a group of nine people) created their own spiritual successor to the group, and the three egotistical drama llama mods closed down the original group and started a new one in secret.
Those three egotistical drama llama mods were in their 30's-40's, if I recall correctly.
It is quite telling that the three were all cisgender, mostly straight and identified as white, while the nine had several LGBT mods including 4 trangender people including myself, and one person, who was also the scapegoat of the three, was a two-spirit indigenous woman of color. They lied about her and accused her of crimes she did not commit, and tried to paint her as the one responsible for the group's breakdown.
|
|
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Haven't spoken to my wife yet (I'm still at work), but I'm remembering conversations that I've had with her on the subject in the past.
Good first points of contact would be:
the Diversity Office (if the university has one)
the faculty advisor for the university LGBT group. By going directly to the faculty advisor, you can probably avoid the sort of drama you are worried about with other students
They should be able to tell you how best to approach the situation.
I apparently listen pretty well, because when I asked my wife her advice, this is exactly what she said. She also feels pretty certain that any college in the Bay Area will have a trans housing policy in place.
Rosita, I hope none of this comes across as piling on. We're just all trying to be helpful. Good luck with everything.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I appreciate all the advice. Sorry I don't have time to respond to everyone. I guess the issue is that I wasn't comfortable bringing the issue up during housing application, and now that everything is set up I'd feel really horrible if I dropped this on administration right before classes start. Plus, I have some trust issues when it comes to authority figures (Ironic for somebody who is a bureaucrat at heart and in career choice.). I guess I shouldn't expect anything bad from administration at a public university in San Francisco, and I know full well they have trans inclusive everything policies, but the issue that I didn't speak up before now remains, and I don't think I'd have an easy time explaining the problem face to face. Anonymously is one thing, but sitting down and telling someone in person is terrifying. At this point, I feel kind of trapped in the situation for the time being.
If you're going to say, Berkley, or another fairly liberal college in the San Francisco area, you are probably better than I was, going to the ag school in the middle ofoklahoma with the surprisingly good computer program. =)
San Francisco State Univerity. Might go UC for graduate school, but it'd probably be San Diego. Berkley doesn't have my major.
the Diversity Office (if the university has one)
the faculty advisor for the university LGBT group. By going directly to the faculty advisor, you can probably avoid the sort of drama you are worried about with other students
They should be able to tell you how best to approach the situation.
So I need to find out who those people are.
I'll probably at least meet with the students to get a feel for things before deciding it's another dramafest. I'm worried it might be, but at the same time it very well could be a lot better.
I would not spring your transition onto your new roommate without giving him a heads-up. The last thing you want would be for him to file a sexual harrassment complaint against you.
I totally forgot to address this, but it's relevant. I'm sexually attracted to women and feminine people (lesbian doesn't quite describe it, but neither does bisexual or pansexual), so a male roommate is unlikely to be someone I have a sexual interest in.
|
Rosita,
It will still be a shock to them. It's quite possible you'll be the first trans person your roommate has ever met and there's a whole load of societal assumptions that you'll need to work through. Having it out ahead of time will likely make things easier for you.
I'll add to the advice about informing the university. You don't have to ask for a new roommate because you're trans. But if the currently assigned roommate comes from a more conservaitive part of the country, the university may want to make changes to reduce drama for everyone. And even if not, if they know it may reduce any future drama. I realise, abstractly never having to deal with this myself, that revealing this aspect of yourself is something you're still nervous about but as others have said, the university wants all their students to do well and will likely have experience dealing with students with similar situations to help you.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I appreciate all the advice. Sorry I don't have time to respond to everyone. I guess the issue is that I wasn't comfortable bringing the issue up during housing application, and now that everything is set up I'd feel really horrible if I dropped this on administration right before classes start. Plus, I have some trust issues when it comes to authority figures (Ironic for somebody who is a bureaucrat at heart and in career choice.). I guess I shouldn't expect anything bad from administration at a public university in San Francisco, and I know full well they have trans inclusive everything policies, but the issue that I didn't speak up before now remains, and I don't think I'd have an easy time explaining the problem face to face. Anonymously is one thing, but sitting down and telling someone in person is terrifying. At this point, I feel kind of trapped in the situation for the time being.
You still have time to be proactive here. Go to them as soon as possible and explain the situation. You aren't the first person to be afraid to discuss this with them. If you don't do it now, when (not if) it becomes an issue for someone, you're going to be in a situation where you're discussing this in front of strangers and it will be in a less welcoming forum. If you're going to present as female, you might as well start now.
|
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
A college mate of mine's child just transitioned at college: She talked to the housing departement, and the solution for everyone was that the housing department actually found a single for her to make the transition in. Unfortunately this meant that she had to delay the transition for a semester (Winter instead of fall), mostly because the school actually had to empty and renovate an old single from a storage closet back to a dorm room.
It was good for everyone as roommates were not freaked out, and she has been making a successful transition since then (and this is at a small private college in Ohio even).
This also allowed her to solidify her support groups (on campus LBGTQ groups, etc).
I realize I am an old fart (30 year post transition), but planning and communication with those you will be interacting with and seeking support from is key to a successful transition.
Robyn
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
My university has dorms geared towards trans people, in which the marker on your govt papers poses no restriction on whom you can room with.
This semester they finally switched into first rate (lowest rate) doubles, so that I finally can move in.
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
Rosita, I don't have much meaningful to add in terms of advice or anything, just wanted to say: Good luck & take care.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Did I say something I shouldn't have said?
Sorry for my inattentiveness. Preparing for the move on Thursday and catching up on some reading.
On the issue of getting a single room, I can't pay that kind of money, and the university has a massive housing shortage, so at this stage there aren't any more open rooms, and the waiting list is long. Chances are, I'm stuck where I'm at so long as I stay on campus. I still have to sit down with housing after the move, but it seems everyone's hands are tied at this point.
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Did I say something I shouldn't have said?
Sorry for my inattentiveness. Preparing for the move on Thursday and catching up on some reading.
On the issue of getting a single room, I can't pay that kind of money, and the university has a massive housing shortage, so at this stage there aren't any more open rooms, and the waiting list is long. Chances are, I'm stuck where I'm at so long as I stay on campus. I still have to sit down with housing after the move, but it seems everyone's hands are tied at this point.
Still, make sure they are informed. For your own safety and security as well as that of your room-mate and your dorm. Please don't become a statistic.
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
I would not spring your transition onto your new roommate without giving him a heads-up. The last thing you want would be for him to file a sexual harrassment complaint against you.I totally forgot to address this, but it's relevant. I'm sexually attracted to women and feminine people (lesbian doesn't quite describe it, but neither does bisexual or pansexual), so a male roommate is unlikely to be someone I have a sexual interest in.
I didn't mean to imply that you would be tempted to do anything untoward or uninvited.
I've seen cases of a cis/hetero roommate being so uncomfortable having a roomie who's a member of a sexual minority that he decides to play the victim and report the other's nonthreatening behavior as sexual harrassment. (e.g. "He wears womens' underwear in the room! He'd obviously trying to seduce me! I want to file a complaint!") This could be out of ignorance (innocent or willful), or it could be out of malice.
Even if the accusation is baseless and the administration sides with you, it's a huge hassle and can be a demeaning experience that can really cast a pall over your college experience, and can really pull your energy away from your studies.
So, for your own protection, I would strongly advise you to give your roomie a heads-up about this. If he's going to freak out about it, better to have it happen before you're forced to sleep in the same room!
| 22 people marked this as a favorite. |
I moved in and met my roommate today. I was going to stay in the closet for a bit until I had a better handle on the living environment, but he brought up that he's gay to make sure it wouldn't be an issue, which made it a perfect time to bring up being trans. He has no issue rooming with a transwoman, and I don't have any problem rooming with a gay man, so it should work out without having to get administration involved. I don't know why I was so worried. It is San Francisco. And I do love this location. It's a townhouse, not a dorm, and we have a kitchenette with a big fridge, a stovetop, and an oven, we get a surprisingly big living room/dining room combo, and the Muni and Samtrans bus stops are literally right across the street from our front door. Ten minutes from our house is the Muni light rail, and we live right behind a shopping mall with a Trader Joe's (Great and affordable grocery store that I shall be frequenting heavily), a Teavana (TEA!), plenty of coffeeshops, and all the other good mall stuff. We also have a public library within very easy walking distance. And the ocean. You can smell it when the wind is right.
Anxiety passed. This will work. This will be good.
| 7 people marked this as a favorite. |
I think I might chat with administration anyway now that the anxiety is wearing down, so that next year I don't have to roll the dice again.
The townhouse is old and kinda shabby and beaten up, and there is a fire station across the street so you hear sirens a lot (at least we can rely on very prompt response if we ever need them), but we have a stove and oven (albeight ancient ones), I actually have enough room for my giant iron bookcase, and the location within the city is just perfect. It has its flaws, but on the balance of things, I'm happy with it.
Rosita I am happy for you c:
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I am so glad to hear it worked out, Rosita! Sometimes good things happen just as unexpectedly as bad things.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Fantastic news! I'm so glad it worked out for you. It must be a tremendous relief.
And that place! It sounds amazing to me. I'm actually jealous!
Good to hear. That sounds like a major relief.
Anxiety passed. This will work. This will be good.
Fantastic! Things often have a way of working out for the best.
WOOOOOOOOOOO
|
|
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I think I might chat with administration anyway now that the anxiety is wearing down, so that next year I don't have to roll the dice again.
Not a bad idea, although hopefully you will be able to request a roommate that you know next year, rather than be assigned one at random!
Glad it worked out so well!
I had a similar experience in college, although we wound up sleeping together which I don't recommend to anyone...
Yay Rosita!
I think I might chat with administration anyway now that the anxiety is wearing down, so that next year I don't have to roll the dice again.
Not a bad idea, although hopefully you will be able to request a roommate that you know next year, rather than be assigned one at random!
Glad it worked out so well!
I had a similar experience in college, although we wound up sleeping together which I don't recommend to anyone...
wow.
|
|
wow.I think I might chat with administration anyway now that the anxiety is wearing down, so that next year I don't have to roll the dice again.
Not a bad idea, although hopefully you will be able to request a roommate that you know next year, rather than be assigned one at random!
Glad it worked out so well!
I had a similar experience in college, although we wound up sleeping together which I don't recommend to anyone...
You can imagine... A few months of fun followed by a few months of awkwardness. We worked it out eventually.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
REALLLY glad you got that worked out. Still worried for you a bit, though. May you find the educational path that best suits your intellectual development course.