Ok, since we all need to blow off a bit of steam ;)
The item that is named "Awesome item" and not "item of lame" or some other lame name
Aura moderate awesomeness; CL 13th
Slot the right slot; Price perfect; Weight none.
Description
[jedimindtrick]
This item is ablolutely awesome, It doesn't violate any of the auto-reject rules, doesn't fall into any common memes of this year or any year before, has a cool name, doesn't do anything stupid else and is awesome. It even avoids all the possible mistakes that weren't spelled out in great detail. Whoever wrote this item is a young god and should be awarded the Rpg-superstar price right now.
[/jedimindtrick]
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wishful thinking; Cost 1/2 of the perfect price
Item of Awesomesauce
Aura overwhelming universal; CL 25th
Slot variable; Price 40,000 gp; Weight variable
Description
Items of Awesomesauce appear to be any one of the small, rather weak Wondrous Items which are more frequently found - typically one with a limited number of usages, although this is not always true.
If the possessor commands, the item will suddenly alter itself to become any other Wondrous Item. This enables the possessor to command the item to become some form of Horn of Valhalla, for instance.
The limitations on the Item are these: No form can ever be repeated. If the item commanded into being is normally destroyed in usage, the Item of Awesomesauce will likewise be destroyed after that use. If the item duplicated has a short-term, single-usage effect (such as a horn or drums), then the Item of Awesomesauce will return to its original form after one use of that power. If the item has a long-term effect (such as a Helm of Underwater Action), the dweomer of the Item of Awesomesauce will last for one day (24 hours). In any case, the item will disappear after three uses.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wish, wish, wish, wish; Cost 20,000 gp
This is a more-or-less direct conversion of the 1e UA Anything Item. Even as a kid I knew those things were a mess. What were they thinking?
Boots of Elvis Kind
Aura Epic Musical and Dizzying Transmutation; CL 30th
Slot Boots; Price 42,000 gp; weight 2lbs
Description
These Blue Suede Shoes are coveted by bards all around Golorian. Any bard that dons the Boots of Elvis Kind gains a +10 musical bonus to their charisma. All save DC's for bardic abilities are also doubled and once per week, the bard may summon a pink Cadillac with a full tank of gas (the car drives itself and disappears when it is out of fuel). If the Boots of Elvis Kind are worn by a character without any levels in bard, then they immediately fall victim to the following permanent transformation. If not already male with dark hair, they become so. All of their clothing and armor spontaneously generate rhinestones and tassels. Their upper lip curls uncontrollably, as well as a gyration of their hips. Food cravings also turn from nutritious to banana sandwiches and various narcotics.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, baleful polymorph, Bardic Music ability, must have owned a hound dog and entertained inmates while in prison. Cost 21,000 gp
Please note that rather than calculating a real price it simply costs 1,000 gp times Elvis' age when he died. ;-p
Friend suggested Pull my Finger Glove.
Shorts of the Monkey
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 5th
Slot pants; Price 10000gp; Weight 1 lb
Description
These undershorts are bright red and should be worn on the outside of your pants. When the command word is spoken the wearer looks like a monkey. When activated they grant +5 to handle animal checks against primates. This bonus increases to +10 if the wearer walks like a monkey.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape I, charm animal; Cost 5000gp
Yes I already did this joke.
I think he meant to expend 1 charge for a Stinking Cloud in the opposite direction from where the finger is pointing.
Banal Object of the Base Class
Aura Weak Sauce; CL 1st-20th
Slot --; Price 1sp/lb; Weight variable.
Description
Banal Objects of the Base Class come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Most have some minor function, such as lockpicking, foe chopping, or spell memorization. When used for these things, the object functions exactly as expected.
Certain magi have discovered that BOotBC can be crafted to suit people of a certain profession, cinematic style, or life goal. Though sometimes called more specific titles, these items function in the same manner as all other Banal Objects of the Base Class.
Legends persist that some such advanced versions of the BOotBC (never more than 32, and seldom even close to that count) have been used for the secondary purpose of advancing through the rounds in artificers' contests. These legendary variants are often infused with yet other magics still, which grant additional bonuses above and beyond the ones listed here. Including such variants in your game is strongly recommended.
Construction
Requirements Must succeed on a craft check DC appropriate to make a mundane item of the same basic function; Cost 5cp/lb
and another
Tom Perry's Kitchen Knife
Aura strong necromancy; CL 11th
Slot --; Price 10,000,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Tom Perry's Kitchen Knife appears to be nothing more than a simple, albeit large, kitchen knfe, normally usable for chopping vegetables. When activated it almost shines with malign energy. It functions as a masterwork dagger of a size appropriate to its wielder.
Activating the Knife is a free action that does not provoke attacks of opportunity, and can be done any number of times per day. Doing so causes the wearer to be slowed as per the spell for as long as he continues to wield the activated knife. Any spell or ability that would haste the wielder is suppressed but not countered or dispelled while the slow effect persists. During this time the wearer also suffers a -4 penalty to CMD when resisting being tripped, and is automatically rendered prone if struck by a critical hit. Each activation has a duration of 11 rounds, but activating it a second time during this duration will set the current duration to 11 rounds
Two rounds after the Knife is activated, a secondary power becomes available. The wielder may activate this power against any creature which they have approached in the last round. As a standard action, the wielder of Tom Perry's Kitchen Knife may shank one such target. This ability requires a normal attack roll, using the Knife as a non-magical dagger. On a successful hit, the dagger casts 10 instances of harm (CL 11th, DC 19) against the target of the attack, before applying the weapon damage.
Construction
Requirements NES, SNES, PSX, PS2, PS3, or Xbox360 (save file slots as appropriate), harm, slow, Must know someone named Cid; Cost 5,000,000 gp
Ummm... PmF. LOL.
I think the "Explosive Runes" spoiler should be officially replaced with "Pull my Finger", just to keep things light.
Yet another wearing the "Crown of Wishful Thinking".....:)
I really just want to see it from the Judges or Clark. The less likely the person is to offer such a response the funnier it will be.
Can't wait!
Here's one I came up with in the holiday season but didn't have time to write up. One too many christmas carols got me a-ragin'.
Talisman of the First Day
Aura Moderate Enchantment; CL 12th
Slot -; Price 22,000gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This is a dry, dead limb from a fruit tree, the length of a human arm. A few withered pears still dangle from the branches. Nailed to the center of the forking boughs is the rotting corpse of a bird; the specific species is hard to tell due to the decomposed body and sloughed feathers, but it is the size of a small game bird- perhaps a pheasant, or a partridge. Once per day, when the branch is held forth and the command word spoken, the bird reanimates, flutters its wings feebly, and gurgles a horrid cooing sound. Any one being within 50' must then make a DC 14 Will save or be affected as if by a variant of charm monster. The victim believes that the holder of the talisman is their true love, and will act accordingly. The victim may take nothing but move actions until it is within reach of the owner; at this time, it attempts to give a gift to the owner. If the victim has a weapon in its hands, it hands that over. If it has no weapon at hand when affected, it attempts to give its most valuable item to the owner of the talisman. If the victim has no possessions, then it simply attempts to give the owner a wet, passionate smooch. Upon handing the 'gift' to their 'true love', the victim may act normally, although it is still affected by charm monster. The charm effect lasts for twelve days; a victim will attempt to give a gift to its 'true love' at the start of each new day, assuming it lives that long.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beguiling gift, charm monster; Cost 11,000 gp
Survival (Cliffs Notes)
Aura Minor Divination; CL 17th
Slot none; Price 9.99 GP; Weight 1 lb.
Description
The book is colored yellow with black borders and stripes. The book is small and paperback but puts you to ease as soon as you buy it. No longer do you have to level up the hard way to gain knowledge about survival but can do so over night with the survival cliffs notes. The holder must read the notes as he writes a crude essay about the subject. The essay must be double spaced, at least five pages in length and must be written in blue or black ink for the book’s magical effect to function. The essay has to be completed before the sun rises the next day or right before he or she takes the survival check. The book gives the user a +4 to survival checks that day but diminishes quickly if the holder does not continue to read the book everyday thereafter.
Construction
Requirements Survival 20 ranks, ink, paper, printing press Cost 5 GP
Here's one I came up with in the holiday season but didn't have time to write up. One too many christmas carols got me a-ragin'.
Talisman of the First Day
...
oh my I really like that item
hahahaha
Axe of Wailing Metal
Aura Epic Evocation; CL 11th
Slot -; Price 50,000gp; Weight 8 lbs.
Description
This sleek looking lute has a peculiarly long neck, jagged body and six stings. It can be played normally with the perform (string instrument) skill and offers a +4 enhancement bonus to any such skill checks made while using it. Furthermore, if another creature uses any four stringed instrument within 30ft of the Axe during a performance, the user may siphon off all credit that would be given to said bassist, gaining a bonus on their check equal to the bassist's rank, and imposing a penalty equal to their own ranks on the wielder of the four stringed instrument.
A bard with at least 8 ranks of perform (string insturment) may unlock its full potential three time each day, unleashing a solo. Unleashing a solo requires a full round action that provokes attacks of opportunity. When the Axe of Wailing Metal is used to unleash a solo, all female creatures within 60ft are stunned for one round (no save), dropping their panties in addition to any held items. All male or non-gendered allies within 60ft may take a free standard action, and all male or non-gendered foes within 60ft take 1d8 points of damage and must make a fortitude save (DC 18) or be stunned for one round and put under a gaes that requires they buy (or at least download) the album. This gaes is a non-magical effect and cannot be removed by any means other than completion.
If a bard who has unleashed a solo chooses to continue shredding, he may attempt a reflex save (DC equal to 10 + his skill modifier in perform) as a full round action on his next round. On success, the solo continues, forcing all female creatures within 60ft to approach the stage, while dealing another 2d8 points of damage to all non-female foes within 60ft and forcing them to make a fortitude save (DC 18) or take a point of con bleed.
After the second round, the bard may continue shredding with a reflex save of the same DC as a full round action as long as he succeeded on the round before, but it has no effect other than granting the bard bragging rights among other bards.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, heroic finale, sound burst, borrow skill; Cost 25,000 gp
Pillow of Restful Slumber
Aura: Moderate Enchantment; CL 7th
Slot -; Price 56,000gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description:
This comfortable pillow casts deep slumber (DC 18 Will save to resist) continuously on any entity whose head comes in contact with it. So long as the creature's head remains on the pillow, the deep slumber spell is re-cast.
While originally intended as a cure for insomnia, it has been used by the less than scrupulous as an assassination tool. There are persistent rumors of adventurers wielding them as melee weapons; to model this off-label effect, the character must use the pillow as a one handed melee weapon, and must strike the target with a natural die roll of 19 or 20. The pillow otherwise does no damage, save to the wielder's dignity.
Improved Critical (pillow) does increase the threat range to use this item, should anyone be mad enough to take it. The Keen Edge spell does not.
Construction Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, deep slumber, charm monster; Cost 28,000 gp
Pillow of Restful Slumber
Aura: Moderate Enchantment; CL 7th
Slot -; Price 56,000gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description:This comfortable pillow casts deep slumber (DC 18 Will save to resist) continuously on any entity whose head comes in contact with it. So long as the creature's head remains on the pillow, the deep slumber spell is re-cast.
While originally intended as a cure for insomnia, it has been used by the less than scrupulous as an assassination tool. There are persistent rumors of adventurers wielding them as melee weapons; to model this off-label effect, the character must use the pillow as a one handed melee weapon, and must strike the target with a natural die roll of 19 or 20. The pillow otherwise does no damage, save to the wielder's dignity.
Improved Critical (pillow) does increase the threat range to use this item, should anyone be mad enough to take it. The Keen Edge spell does not.
Construction Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, deep slumber, charm monster; Cost 28,000 gp
If you enchant it with something like Flaming, will it deal the fire damage? Can it even be enchanted like that?
I want it, either way.
TORC OF THREEFOLD VENGEANCE ** spoiler omitted **...
over word count: reject!
[spoiler]
TORC OF THREEFOLD VENGEANCE
Aura strong evocation and transmutation; CL 18th
Slot neck ; Price 90,000 gp; Weight 1 lb
The torc of threefold vengeance is a powerful item that can only be used by divine spellcasters and witches. And even they only use it very relucantly, and in times of great need.
When the torc is activated by touching it an invoking the name of the wearers deity or patron it crumbles to dust and two copies of the wearer appear next to him, one in the form of a young adult, one in the form of an elderly. These copies are in all aspects identical to the wearer of the torc at the time of activation, except for adjustments relative to their aspect equal to a threefold aspect spell. The orc can even duplicate all magic items short of artifacts. The copies are free to act on their own, but all limited abilities and spells are deducted from the same pool.
After 3 rounds all three versions of the wearer explode in a flash of energy that deals 10d10 points of damage (Ref Dc23 halves) in a 10ft radius burst. The young aspect explodes in a burst that deals fire damage, the original deals lightining damage and the old deals cold damage.
If in the 3 rounds the wearer sucessfully killed a hostile creature with at least as many hit dice as the wearer, the original body is spared. If the original body was destroyed one of the remaining bodies takes it's form instead.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, threefold aspect, reincarnation, either destruction or finger of death. Cost 45,000GP
thats 270 words for you, more than enough space to pad it a bit :)
note:
I wanted to make a very funny nested spoiler quote, but the board wouldn't let me...
This was a joke item that i made last year but never got around to posting. Looking back it is a little bit swiss-army knife...
Animated Hair Gel
Aura moderate conjuration and faint abjuration; CL 10th
Slot head (see below); Price 7500 gp; Weight -
DESCRIPTION
This green transparent gel leaves hair slick and shiny for up to 12 hours. At anytime within these 12 hours, if any creature attempts to grapple the wearer his hair animates and resists the grapple instead. Any time after this, any creature adjacent to the wearer or any creature that attempts to grapple the wearer is subject to being grappled by the hair. Treat the hair as the black tentacles spell, caster level 10. The hair also grants a +4 shield bonus to AC when animated. These affects last for 1 minute, after which the hair starts to weaken, losing its ability to grapple, and only granting a +2 shield bonus to armor class for 9 additional minutes. Alternatively, the wearer can choose to activate the hair by mussing up his hair as a standard action. If a hat, helm, or any head slot item is worn while the gel is in effect the gel will not activate until removed.
If coated on an object, or surface, it is treated as if affected as a grease spell for 10 minutes. Coating an object is a standard action while a surface is a full round action for a 10x10 square.
One jar of gel has three applications
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item; Grease, Shield, Black Tentacles; Cost 3750 gp
Pillow of Restful Slumber
Not for me, I never roll higher than a 13...
Pillow of Restful Slumber
Imagine coup de grace-ing with this.
Actually, I'm just imagining some big hulking fighter advancing behind his shield, a pillow held cocked back over his head, ready to strike.
Looking very very dubious.
On the flip side, imagine the surprise the first time someone gets whacked across the head with it. Would YOU be worried about a pillow? :)
(Perhaps the 'combat effect' is that they have to make a special melee touch attack that includes shield bonuses, but not armor or natural armor bonuses? Or would that make it too tempting to actually *use* as a weapon?)
Pillow of Restful Slumber
Aura: Moderate Enchantment; CL 7th
Slot -; Price 56,000gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description:This comfortable pillow casts deep slumber (DC 18 Will save to resist) continuously on any entity whose head comes in contact with it. So long as the creature's head remains on the pillow, the deep slumber spell is re-cast.
While originally intended as a cure for insomnia, it has been used by the less than scrupulous as an assassination tool. There are persistent rumors of adventurers wielding them as melee weapons; to model this off-label effect, the character must use the pillow as a one handed melee weapon, and must strike the target with a natural die roll of 19 or 20. The pillow otherwise does no damage, save to the wielder's dignity.
Improved Critical (pillow) does increase the threat range to use this item, should anyone be mad enough to take it. The Keen Edge spell does not.
Construction Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, deep slumber, charm monster; Cost 28,000 gp
If you enchant it with something like Flaming, will it deal the fire damage? Can it even be enchanted like that?
I actually really like this! Haha!
TORC OF THREEFOLD VENGEANCE ** spoiler omitted **......The orc can even duplicate all magic items short of artifacts...An orc who duplicates magic items... That sounds more henchman than item. ;)
Actually, discarding the rest of the stuff you wrote, there must be a:
Clockwork Orc Artificer of the Desert Sage: or some such gag item potential here...
Description probably features something about the orc being brass (brass clockworks very good... play to brass man in one of the arabian nights stories, and of course a Magic: The Gathering card), and if you do it right you can get something in about the neck (for 'brass neck') and a pun/play on words...
You just gave me the idea for a "gag" villain. But he would be too gross to actually post. Basically it was Timmy the Clockwork Orc. He basically is Pinoccio, trying to turn himself into Franenstein's Monster to become a "real boy".
Boots of Elvis Kind
Aura Epic Musical and Dizzying Transmutation; CL 30th
Slot Boots; Price 42,000 gp; weight 2lbs
Description
These Blue Suede Shoes are coveted by bards all around Golorian. Any bard that dons the Boots of Elvis Kind gains a +10 musical bonus to their charisma. All save DC's for bardic abilities are also doubled and once per week, the bard may summon a pink Cadillac with a full tank of gas (the car drives itself and disappears when it is out of fuel). If the Boots of Elvis Kind are worn by a character without any levels in bard, then they immediately fall victim to the following permanent transformation. If not already male with dark hair, they become so. All of their clothing and armor spontaneously generate rhinestones and tassels. Their upper lip curls uncontrollably, as well as a gyration of their hips. Food cravings also turn from nutritious to banana sandwiches and various narcotics.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, baleful polymorph, Bardic Music ability, must have owned a hound dog and entertained inmates while in prison. Cost 21,000 gpPlease note that rather than calculating a real price it simply costs 1,000 gp times Elvis' age when he died. ;-p
Thank you very much..Uh-Huh
DM Wellard has left the thread
Thymespinner
This ancient amulet allows the wearer to spin threads of thyme. This material may then be used to make an interesting looking, fragrant smelling item of clothing, or simply added to a good casserole.
The item that is named "Awesome item" and not "item of lame" or some other lame name
Aura moderate awesomeness; CL 13th
Slot the right slot; Price perfect; Weight none.
Description
[jedimindtrick]
This item is ablolutely awesome, It doesn't violate any of the auto-reject rules, doesn't fall into any common memes of this year or any year before, has a cool name, doesn't do anything stupid else and is awesome. It even avoids all the possible mistakes that weren't spelled out in great detail. Whoever wrote this item is a young god and should be awarded the Rpg-superstar price right now.
[/jedimindtrick]
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wishful thinking; Cost 1/2 of the perfect price
Sorry, it was done already:
Homeopathy Cure
Aura none; CL 0
Slot none; Price excessive; Weight: 1/2lb..
Description
This vial, which appears to hold pure water, in fact contains pure water. When drunk the Homeopathy Cure has no effect.
Construction
Requirements None; Cost 0GP
Homeopathy Cure
Aura none; CL 0
Slot none; Price excessive; Weight: 1/2lb..
Description
This vial, which appears to hold pure water, in fact contains pure water. When drunk the Homeopathy Cure has no effect.
Construction
Requirements None; Cost 0GP
Shouldn't it require some ranks in bluff to craft this?
Boy, there's gotta be a gag item in here, somewhere.