I am the DM for a group that includes my wife, her sister, sister's boyfriend and a friend of ours (recently joined).
Gaming with a spouse has never been a problem for us, and this campaign has been ongoing for 3+ years. She knows not to expect any special treatment as a player, nor does she get any. Her "facetime" is just the same as everyone else.
We also gamed together as players under another DM a few years before our current campaign started and we had a lot of fun interactions. I played a narcissistic paladin of a love goddess that tried to "beautify" everything and she was playing an ugly half-orc druidess that became the object of his reclamation project. Sadly the campaign ended before we could really get that going, but it was still a lot of fun.
My girlfriend refuses to play. :(
The only real issue I've every run into was when I had all seven heads of a hydra attack her character on a surprise round and dropped her before she even got a turn. At that point, I decide to change how I determine which head went where. She was a bit frustrated, but didn't hold it on me too long as she wasn't really into that character and her replacement character became one of her all time favorites.
For me never been a problem. My exgirlfriend got into it because one of my groups was playing and she sort of followed the story, then slowly got into it. She loved the WoC book on a part time Sorceres. My current girlfriend hasn't played, but I'm hoping.
Few recomendations based on my own experince.
1. If she was into gaming in the first place she'll handle you GMing better (Their is a However to this see below).
2. If she wants in because she see's you playing you might want to have someone else GM until she gets used to the game, in a perfect world it would be a friend she likes GMing (this is all assuming that you the GM of course).
That 'however' I mentioned comes for experincing other people letting thier girl/guy play. They either favor them, or they have major fights when something goes wrong. My Conan group, which I was only a player in, completly fell apart because of girlfriend problems. In this case she wanted favortism, and when she didn't get it fights broke out. Oddly the table was divided as to who was at fault. But really the problem IMO was the fact that they became a couple during the game or because of it (never did get the full stoy but they were not together when the game started as I understand it. I joined later).
Ladies don't start dating the GM.
As a side note maybe this is sterotype, but I've yet to see a women get her boyfriend to join a game. In most cases the boyfriend just sits and wacthes the tube, but wont let his girl go to a game on her own. I kinda get that, but assuming she's told him she's a gamer you'd think he'd understand.
In any case there you have it.
TTFN DRE
Here's something positive from a long term perspective.
My best friend and I both began playing D&D in our early teens at School. Years later (we are approaching 40 now) we were both lucky enough to have partners/wives with similar interests and we've both introduced our spouses to the game. The four of us have enjoyed several campaigns together. And yes these are attractive intelligent women beyond our worthiness - haha!
Women can bring a real depth to characters they role-play. They can construct untypical heroines with great attention to personality, motivations and human interest. They have original approaches to problem solving.
Over time I've had the pleasure of playing D&D or CoC with at least nine female players, and they've each bought great enthusiasm and innovation to the sessions.
I've run no small amount of single player campaigns for my own lady. We've stomped through the Realms, Darksun, Planescape, Ravenloft and two dozen home made settings. I dare say I've learned how to balance the pro's and cons of single player campaigns!
My new Manager at work, a razor sharp and charismatic lady, discovered that I run some D&D in the youth clubs. She said she could see the value of it as a past-time for young people, but personally she felt it was boring. I'll be inviting her to experience it for herself soon : ) I've had a lot of fun introducing the game to people outside the stereotypical demographic.
I'm probably way off topic by now... thanks for reading.
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As a side note maybe this is sterotype, but I've yet to see a women get her boyfriend to join a game. In most cases the boyfriend just sits and wacthes the tube, but wont let his girl go to a game on her own. I kinda get that, but assuming she's told him she's a gamer you'd think he'd understand.
To go against the stereotype, I got my husband (then boyfriend) into role-playing. He was already a war-gamer, so it wasn't a big stretch.
At points in our gaming life I have been the DM, he has been the DM and we have played other camapigns side-by-side as characters. Funnily enough, although I have had "romantic" attachments between characters in campaigns, it has never been between his character and mine.
The biggest issue I had in the beginning was to not be too harsh to his character as a DM as I was really aware of the perception of the "favourite", but as we have been together longer that has become a non-issue.
My wife would make me sleep on the couch if I showed any favoritism. Sometimes it may seem that way, since I'm a fan of "if you can give me a reason why it might work, I'll let you try it" and she knows that. Other players sometimes don't think outside the rulebooks like that. Others do, and they get just as much advantage as my wife does.
Now, flipside, we have two new players who are attached. Still house(rules)training them, but they have a tendancy to get a smidge smoochy at the table. Not bad, but just this side of the line between sweet and annoying. However, they both pay solid attention to the game, and the less-of-a-gamer girlfreind (now fiancee, as I hear) actually picks up the "gist" of the rules exceptionally fast, so I don't mind ignoring it as long as it stays at the current level.
A couple years back, before we accepted the places where our DMing styles don't overlap (my wife DMs as well, but she was introduced via White Wolf, wheras I came in through 2nd Ed), we had some EPIC arguments about rules interpretations or such. Made our roommates seriously uncomfortable. But we got past it, are happily married, shes about 10 days from bringing a new generation of gamer into the world, and things couldn't really be better. Well, they could, but you know what I mean.
I met my long-term girlfriend in a D&D game that was run by her brother. Her brother had been part of my very first gaming group for about two years before I met her.
Since then we've played together and I've DM'ed for her with varying results on several occasions. Playing with her is usually more fun than DM'ing for her but maybe that's because my perceptions change. When I DM for her I seem to pick up on more habits that annoy me. I think she may also feel less inclined to pay perfect attention to me when I'm the DM, so she seems to miss a lot of the plot points and important story elements. I quickly grow tired of reminding her and get in trouble for ignoring her after awhile. :)
I'm currently in a Pathfinder game that had a married couple join and that seems to be going well. She is probably the most enthusiastic female gamer I've ever known and he's about the most laid-back male gamer. It's an interesting combination and has been a lot of fun.
As a side note maybe this is sterotype, but I've yet to see a women get her boyfriend to join a game. In most cases the boyfriend just sits and wacthes the tube, but wont let his girl go to a game on her own. I kinda get that, but assuming she's told him she's a gamer you'd think he'd understand.
To go against the stereotype, I got my husband (then boyfriend) into role-playing. He was already a war-gamer, so it wasn't a big stretch.
At points in our gaming life I have been the DM, he has been the DM and we have played other camapigns side-by-side as characters. Funnily enough, although I have had "romantic" attachments between characters in campaigns, it has never been between his character and mine.
The biggest issue I had in the beginning was to not be too harsh to his character as a DM as I was really aware of the perception of the "favourite", but as we have been together longer that has become a non-issue.
Good to know my experince isn't the end all and be all on the subject.
TTFN DRE
My girlfriend refuses to play. :(
Maybe she can go shopping with my wife while we go off and game. ;-)
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Both me and my husband play and it's usually me or him that is the DM for our group. Of course we have the odd coupley squabble over something (more often than not me complaining that his dice hate me, every time he DMs he manages to crit me at least once!) but it doesn't really make any difference to the games.
A couple years back, before we accepted the places where our DMing styles don't overlap (my wife DMs as well, but she was introduced via White Wolf, wheras I came in through 2nd Ed), we had some EPIC arguments about rules interpretations or such. Made our roommates seriously uncomfortable. But we got past it, are happily married, shes about 10 days from bringing a new generation of gamer into the world, and things couldn't really be better. Well, they could, but you know what I mean.
So an AD&D DM and a White Wolf storyguide can have offspring together, will the wonders never cease...pre-congrats :)
Generally I echo Andre Caceres, if the spouse is otherwise generally into gaming, you can DM but if he/she is just starting out because it's something you do, better let someone else be a DM...
I know a variety of couples where both play RPGs, or where one plays and the other joins in on board games and such, or one plays and the other doesn't.
Happiness of the couples seem to be pretty much independent of that :)
Both my husband and I have been playing together in D&D games since 1982. I am DM-ing since 1988 and my husband has been playing in my group since then. It has never caused any problems at all. Instead it has made the game more fun, especially when my husband is thinking up a new character concept and discussing it with me, which makes us both laugh a lot.
Soon our 10 year old daughter will be playing with us in a new campaign, starting some time this year.
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Just a problem we encountered with certain players years back (who are no longer with us). If my wife made a good guess or plan at the table, these characters would actually suggest that off game time I let her in on a secret of the module. Even just joking we didn't find it funny. Royally whizzed us both off. I make sure to pull NO punches with her characters when I'm DMing.
:-)
-DM Jeff
I have seen things that are BAD with a married couple. The husband was DMing and the wife was playing a monk. In a combat the monk got knocked into the negatives and the wife explodes, "You always go after my characters! You always think I'm too powerful! I hate you!" And storms out of the room. Yeah, talk about uncomfortable for the rest of us. He paused the game and went and talked to her, calming her down and pointing out she was not dead, just unconscious and could still be saved by the other party members. I don't think she came back until after the encounter was over (and we did save her character afterall, though personally after that outburst I would have been fine with the PC dying).
Most likely there was alot of other crap going on between the two that lead up to this, and it was just a meaningless last straw that set her off. That is probably the greatest worry, is people dragging on their other personal crap into the game and potentially inflicting it on other players that have nothing to do with it. Me and wife vowed that such a thing would never happen while we were gaming. Walk off if you need to, but leave the dirty laundry inside.
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I've DM'ed for my fiancee for about 5 years and she LOVES every game we've done! She knows not to expect any "superficial" special treatment (like "Oh look, the orc you are about to hit lost his armor and legs, he's now lying on the ground dying!"), but I do kinda let her get away with a little more than I do the rest. She's a big fan of Druids and likes to have tigers at first level. So I give her a baby tiger that grows with her levels.
As for playing, we are playing a husband (Human Ftr/scout archer) and wife (half-elf fighter) and are enjoying it! (cliche, i know, but thats what she wanted!)
Just a problem we encountered with certain players years back (who are no longer with us). If my wife made a good guess or plan at the table, these characters would actually suggest that off game time I let her in on a secret of the module. Even just joking we didn't find it funny. Royally whizzed us both off. I make sure to pull NO punches with her characters when I'm DMing.
:-)
-DM Jeff
I know what you mean, especially with homebrew stuff. The spouse gets to know how you think and starts anticipating things.
I had a session where the party protecting a bunch of people traveling against a huge group of fiends (most being low level scrubs). While the party is fighting out away from the main camp someone makes a listen check and hears, "tink---tink---tink". Next round they listen again and hear more urgently, "tink-tink-tink-tink-tink". My wife says, "Sounds like a halfling ringing a dinnerbell." To which I shot her a look like, "How could you ...", yeah the camp was getting attacked by a few fiends and a halfling cook was ringing an alarm with his triangular dinner bell.
Our live games are infested with eager-beaver DMs (three of them at the moment). Two of those three are my husband and my 13 year old son. There's no chance of my DMing a live game any time this decade, so I'm running stuff pbp. Of the other five group members, four are couples and apart from a slight tendency on the part of the paladin to heal his minorly wounded elven girlfriend rather than the bleeding to death rogue, no problems. I don't think the issue of favouritism even crossed any of our minds to be honest. I can't think why not, as we're a moderately paranoid bunch away from the gaming table.
The "wifey" plays in my group (which I dm and pc at the same time). She doesn't get into it at all tho. She really just sits there and does whatever other people tell her to do. I think she may be playing so she doesnt feel left out.
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My wife's been a tough nut to crack on this one. I would love it if she gamed with our group. She's into everything else geeky (Ren Faires, sci-fi, fantasy, anime, etc.), but I can't get her to pick up the dice and play.
When we were first married, my husband was kind of in the same boat as your wife. Here's how I got him hooked:
1. Since I was DM and he was not a player, I'd talk out my scenarios with him and especially bring up any problems I had. For example, "how can I best give the PCs this clue?" or "what is my villain's motivation for doing this?". I would always try to incorporate at least one of his suggestions. This worked well because we usually played at our house and he could hear that I had used his ideas in the game.
2. I steadily got him more involved in the DM process. Then, after a few months, I asked for the favor. "Will you sit in on the game for 20 minutes and just play out that NPC we worked on last night. I think it would be fun for the other players to see a different face and voice for that NPC. It will make him more memorable." I did that a couple of times and...
...hook...line...sinker...
I think my wife expected special treatment when she first joined my games but I eventually broke her of the habit. However I do find that I actually do give a certain amount of favoritism to her but not because she is my wife. It is because she is a gamer that is easily available to me and we normally work extensively on her character histories together which ties them to the game world and the things that are likely to be happening within a campaign.
If any other players would be this available and this much into making their character a living breathing person in the game world then maybe I would show them a fair amount of the same but it isn't usually that way and thus I work with what I have.
I've also had to ban stuff from the game after my wife ended playing a character and it being so much overkill that it wasn't funny. (Iaijutsu-OA Samurai... yeah...)
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I appreciate the amount of response I got my post, It's hard to find other gaming couples in our area and I just wanted to see how many other couples enjoyed the hobby we love as much as we do. I got her into gaming when we were dating we've now been married for 7, almost 8 yrs she's never DM'd but she makes a fine player, we have three future gamers and our 6 yr old can name every monster in the MM ( you should hear him say succubus LOL) I like the idea that the game can be enjoyed as a family activity.
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When we were first married, my husband was kind of in the same boat as your wife. Here's how I got him hooked:1. Since I was DM and he was not a player, I'd talk out my scenarios with him and especially bring up any problems I had. For example, "how can I best give the PCs this clue?" or "what is my villain's motivation for doing this?". I would always try to incorporate at least one of his suggestions. This worked well because we usually played at our house and he could hear that I had used his ideas in the game.
2. I steadily got him more involved in the DM process. Then, after a few months, I asked for the favor. "Will you sit in on the game for 20 minutes and just play out that NPC we worked on last night. I think it would be fun for the other players to see a different face and voice for that NPC. It will make him more memorable." I did that a couple of times and...
...hook...line...sinker...
How long did that process take? I only ask because my wife could teach stubborness to rocks!
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How long did that process take? I only ask because my wife could teach stubborness to rocks!
Here's the trick. It needs to be *her* idea to start playing. You have embraced the fact that she is not interested in this hobby, so you're just asking for her input on the DM side of things, because you *know* she doesn't want to play. Just as if you went on a fishing trip and she didn't. You still might tell her what kind of rod you'd love to buy for the trip and tell her what kind of fish you caught.
Yes, its incredibly manipulative behavior =)
It took me about 6 months of steady "what do you think about this trap?", "hey, I found this cool new monster to spring on the guys tomorrow," "I was going to have the child NPC get killed in this adventure, but what do you think", etc.
good luck
When I started dating my wife of 5 years back in 2001 when we were high school kids she was curious about what this 'DnD' I was playing with my good buddies between work and skateboarding. So I created an island high fantasy setting of elves and gnomes and fairies and things like that and we delved into it. My most beloved and used campaign setting, Arko, was born and our characters in that first trial campaign became legends among our circle of friends even till now. i even have a shirt she had made for me that says 'Noku is my Homeboy'. Noku was my character and became the most prominent and beloved Arko NPC in all future campaigns.
After we got married though she fell out of roleplaying because she said i spent too much time on it. It even caused alot of resentment in our relationship at one point! I think Ive settled down with my gaming now though. She loves anime, fantasy movies, and we urge our two little daughters to embrace their imagination and they love fantasy! My 3 year old's favorite movie is Willow!! My oldest daughter is always hanging out at the game table and Im pretty sure she will play when she's old enough. She even has her own 34mm D20 she picked out and her own dice bag that she carries everywhere.
I would love to get my wife back into roleplaying games with me (So she can try the completely remade mature Arko im carefully crafting using Metal Magic and Lore!!). Maybe this current year-long deployment Im currently in will give her time to chill out on the roleplaying-resentment and she might begin to miss it ;). Maybe when I get back home next year she'll be ready to give it another go.
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Nice to see some other lady gamers out there who DM for their spouses!
My husband and I both started playing at the same time, with a complete group of newbies a few years ago (including a Lithuanian couple who had never even heard of DnD). He enjoys playing, but he's not as thoroughly addicted as I am.
For the past two years, I've been the group's DM and he's played in all of my campaigns. The only downside is that I can't share my ideas about upcoming games with him. But we have fun discussing his character, the game so far, and I can blabber on all I want about the PbP I run.
He's also been very supportive in my attempts at writing adventures for the PFS Open Calls, watching our toddler in the evenings when I need to write and proofreading my submissions. When our daughter was still an infant, he was also in charge of her during our monthly gaming session (which he also played in).
Here's the trick. It needs to be *her* idea to start playing.
When i started dating my wife, she told me how her ex had refused to let her play, telling her that "she wouldn't understand the game". I'm not sure what he was thinking, since he's dumber than a box of hammers while since she was Valedictorian of her high school class and has a masters' degree in Chemistry.
In any case, it was crystal clear that I'd BETTER let her play.
Predictably, the first game I ran for her was a TPK. It took me some years to live THAT one down.
Reminds me of a story I heard on some Podcast were the group included the wife of the DM. Very quickly the rest of the group had basically turned her into a double agent - her job was 'Find out what nasty stuff the DM is going to throw at us so we can be prepared'. Apparently worked like a charm for years with her constantly feeding the rest of the group important details.
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Our regular group consists of me, my wife, my uncle, his wife, and my brother.
I usually GM for our group, but recently my uncle has been GMing, and this Sunday my wife is starting a campaign.
There have been no real problems. We don't really have any issues with favoritism. Once or twice we've made exceptions for a wife's character, but those were standard things we'd do for any player (for example, a player isn't happy with her character, so you retcon it).
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Here's the trick. It needs to be *her* idea to start playing.When i started dating my wife, she told me how her ex had refused to let her play, telling her that "she wouldn't understand the game". I'm not sure what he was thinking, since he's dumber than a box of hammers while since she was Valedictorian of her high school class and has a masters' degree in Chemistry.
In any case, it was crystal clear that I'd BETTER let her play.
Predictably, the first game I ran for her was a TPK. It took me some years to live THAT one down.
That is a quality woman right there. Good for you =)
I finally convinced my fiance (we've been together for ten years) to play 4e a few months ago. She worries about holding up the game sometimes (she doesn't), but when she relaxes she seems to enjoy it. I try not to tell her what to do, but it's hard not to suggest things when she's playing a rogue. She still looks for my approval sometimes, but she's in control. I know that she's only playing because I play, but the fist pump she does when she delivers a sneak attack let's me know she's having fun.
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Mine thought that gaming was for geeks when we first started dating but eventually started playing... I can't even remember how... but now we can sit for hours talking about PCs and game related stuff the only wife generated problem it's caused was several years ago when one of her favorite NPCs died... she cried and wouldn't... uhm well you know... for like a week :p
she cried
My wife cried twice during her first campaign. Once when she realized she had been seduced and betrayed by an evil Elf NPC who beat the crap out of my character and stole the relics we were recovering. The second time was at the end of the campaign after we slayed Sarchak the green dragon our PCs were leaving his lair and we came upon a human army that had our Elfish and Gnomish armies surrounded and the Queen of Elfkind, her character's aunt, was being threatened by the cruel leader of the humans. She cried and carnage ensued. We won!
When she does play she does become really invested in the story and makes really creative character concepts. She is also very lucky with her rolls!! My daughter just cries cuz she cant play yet.
I don't think that's too much different (except perhaps for frequency) from gamers in the group that have been in other campaigns together talking about them fondly and nostalgically. Especially if you weren't in that game either!
My wife games, but a lot less in recent years. Fortunately, my daughter is an enthusiastic convert and my son is interested!
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she criedMy wife cried twice during her first campaign. Once when she realized she had been seduced and betrayed by an evil Elf NPC who beat the crap out of my character and stole the relics we were recovering. The second time was at the end of the campaign after we slayed Sarchak the green dragon our PCs were leaving his lair and we came upon a human army that had our Elfish and Gnomish armies surrounded and the Queen of Elfkind, her character's aunt, was being threatened by the cruel leader of the humans. She cried and carnage ensued. We won!
When she does play she does become really invested in the story and makes really creative character concepts. She is also very lucky with her rolls!! My daughter just cries cuz she cant play yet.
Gawd I love it when they cry... lets me know I've done my job right :)
Gawd I love it when they cry... lets me know I've done my job right :)
Exactly! Also when a campaign ends and all your players are looking at you and everyone just starts smiling and tension just flows off everyone. Its a wierd feeling but one ive experienced often as a GM. Its like we were all just awestruck by a really good film and we just realized the film is over. Its funny but i love it (and miss it! Damn deployment).