RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4
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Sartel Bollen, Mistress of the Headless Caravan
Green Hag Sorcerer 9/Fighter 1
Background
Long ago an escaped slave and gladiator named Sartel fled Sedeq and entered the jungle valleys of the Zho Mountains. In the wilderness, through starvation and ignorance, she consumed poisonous Blackworm berries. As she lay dying with Blackworm sickness burrowing through her organs, snakes approached her and began to speak - they offered life in exchange for favors met. Sartel accepted their offer and serpent fangs pierced her flesh, their venom curing her and filling her mind with forgotten knowledge. That information led her to overgrown ruins and caverns deep within the mountains. Within the bowels of the earth she found the serpent head of Ydersius, and it began to bend her to his will.
Appearance
Over months of bonding with Ydersius, Sartel's body had changed. Her youthful beauty is still present but twisted. A hag's blackened teeth taints her smile. Her yellow eyes hide under a veil of hair knotted in greasy locks. She is adorned with trinkets and small skulls. She is filthy. Her ragged gladiator armor fits her poorly, but the thick iron gorget and pauldrons are well kept and in place. She often pats her snicker-snack war razor against her thigh.
Mounted sidesaddle on a headless zebra she is followed by hordes of decapitated servants, an army she has gathered to escort the god-head to its body. Rhinos, jackals, and rats march with men and ogres. Crows flock with vultures in the hundreds. None bare a head, but all are compelled by Ydersius to serve Sartel. With no mouths everything is eerily quiet. The stench of rot is overwhelming. Heads of scholars hang from her saddle ready to supply knowledge and offer council.
Motivations
Sartel's overall goal is to deliver Ydersius' head to his body. She collects the heads of scholars of the darklands and places them as offerings to Ydersius at his altar in the center of her caravan. The
god-head, in his turn, subsumes their knowledge into his own and reanimates their headless corpses as his servants to join the ranks of Sartel's army.
Plot Hooks
A score of decapitated monkeys deliver an ultimatum from Sartel to Xerbystes II. She demands the head of the Mouthpiece of Gurat (one of the last oracles and prophets) or they forfeit the farms and villages lining the Zho Mountains. Outraged, Xerbystes contacts heroes to terminate this brazen villain.
Snakefolk clerics of Ydersius, searching for Sartel, are encountered by the PCs. Needing their presence above the darklands to remain secret, the zealots try to slay the PCs. After the battle the PCs discover journals telling of the discovery of Ydersius' head and the impending doom of the world once it's reattached to his body.
One of the PCs stops by their childhood home to find the village full of headless zombies. A path, trampled by thousands of shuffling feet, leads away from the village and into the mountains.
After a first read, nothing really awesome jumps out at me about this villain. There are interesting bits—I like the headless theme and the animated heads of the scholars—but I also wonder what sorcerer would wear armor. And while I get the snicker-snack reference to her blade, it makes me think of Lewis Carroll, which makes me think of whimsy... and makes me wonder if the author is suggesting the blade is a vorpal weapon, and if so, is that trying to be clever, or trying to circumvent the rule that says "don't include a list of magic items."
Rec: lukewarm, pending further review
Update: There are other entries that I like better, so I do not recommend this one for advancement.
Initial Impression: Headless caravan? Green hag sorcerer and fighter? Let’s give this a spin. I like this already. It’s not a human druid.
Word Count: 493.
Concept (name, title, is it actually a villain?, overall design choices, playability): A-
The Good: Very evocative, excellent imagery.
The Bad: Some basic conceptual issues, like an arcane caster and armor and what the heck is this head and how the heck does she animate all these headless creatures. But those concerns don’t slow this down much.
Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content-physical description, motivation/goal, scheme/plot, presence of any disqualification criteria): B
The Good: Well-written, well-organized. For a change, this villain has some real good hooks. I love all three of them, a lot. Good motive to reattach a head and bring “the impending doom of the world once it's reattached to his body.” All but low level villains want to either rule or destroy the world. That makes her a villain, not just a named monster.
The Bad: Missing things I want to know—the how and the why. The what does she do next. Technically fails to follow format. You were supposed to do “Description,” not “Background” and “Appearance.” The penalty for that is for the voters to decide. I marked down for it. I like that this villain is working to reattach the head which will lead to the doom of the world, but that motive needed to be up front, not in an adventure hook.
Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor and setting): A
Loved it. This is a villain not a named monster. Interesting, unique, evocative and I can already hear the art director drooling at the assignments he or she will get to hand out for a product that includes this villain. Very visual and compelling.
Overall: B+
Headless snakey evil comes to a village near you! And I can’t get enough.
Recommendation: I DO recommend this villain submission for advancement.
From the guy who brought us the school of eyes, which I was not a big fan of. I thought it was gonzo for gonzo’s sake. But this is a step in the right direction! You kept the mojo of the school and made it more workable. I wish you luck and hope the voters agree with me!
Kobold Press
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Several of the designers here can't seem to resist giving us big heaping helpings of sometimes useless backstory; congrats to you for keeping it down to a single paragraph (even if you are breaking the recommended style).
The image here is meant to carry it all, but just a lot of creepyness is not quite enough for me. I like the use of a jungle setting and the bizarre divine servant. But the overall description does raise a lot of questions.
Lots of creative spark and solid hooks, but I want to see more discipline and tighter consideration of where this villain goes. I'm worried it's a one-note villain, though ... All those headless monkeys are going to haunt me.
Recommendation: Lukewarm recommendation. Needs tighter writing if the designer advances to future rounds.
I like hags, I like decapitations... I'm not so sure I like the whole package. I'll brood on it.
Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7
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Reckless Ratings
Concept3
(Is this villain villainous?)
Content3
(Grammar, Format,Spelling, Etc.)
Coolness2
(Would my players be impressed by this? Am I?)
Credibility3
(Does the villain’s motives make sense?)
Clarity3
(How good a sense of how to stat this villain do we get?)
Scores out of 5 and completely based on my opinion only.
Total Score14
Imagery is intriguing, but I'm coming away with more questions than answers ... why is all the army, except our baddy, beheaded? Because the "god" is just a head ...
I just don't know ... I can't point at specifics, but this one does not do it for me. Sorry.
I also wonder what sorcerer would wear armor.
Pathfinder Beta feats:
Arcane Armor Training & Arcane Armor Mastery. The high caster level along with a level of fighter meats the prerequisites.Just because sorcerers traditionally don't wear armor doesn't mean they don't under Pathfinder RPG.
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Just like with his wondrous item submission, School of Eyes, my interest was grabbed right away by the title.
I really like this idea. It's a pretty classic origin that has a really epic feel to it. The idea of the emissary of a headless serpent god gathering a giant headless army, stealing the knowledge from the heads of slain wise men, while she searches for the location to the body of the god just does it for me. The plot hooks were done really well too. As a player it would give me a real feeling of urgency and the fact that the PC's probably wouldn't be able to do anything about it immediately would make that urgency even worse.
Also, having to trail an army would make the players keep tabs on where it is going while trying to find a solution.
Plus, I really like the idea of the caravan being totally silent.
Also,
Is Sartel now his unshakably loyal servant? Or is she awaiting some promised reward?
The way that I read the end of the first paragraph, the head has taken over her will, not promising her a reward. As far as unshakable, who knows.
This is easily the best villain of the whole bunch. I wish I could vote for this more than once! Wow. This is a villain I could see on a cover. The imagery is terrifying. There were a couple other entries I really enjoyed, but this is by far my favorite of the bunch. Great job!
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I also wonder what sorcerer would wear armor.
Pathfinder Beta feats:
Arcane Armor Training & Arcane Armor Mastery. The high caster level along with a level of fighter meats the prerequisites.Just because sorcerers traditionally don't wear armor doesn't mean they don't under Pathfinder RPG.
There's also the 0% spell failure Armored Kilt in the Pathfinder Campaign Setting. Or it could just be re-imaged bracers of armor. Or some kind of glamored clothing. Plus, she started out life as a gladiator according to the background; wearing armor could just be a habit to her.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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The prose doesn't reach out and grab me on this entry. I feel like the writing isn't quite up to the ideas presented.
The headless zombies are a nice touch. That plus the scholar's heads lead to believe there's something more unwholesome going on here than just a godhead in search of a body.
Harkening back to Avinash from last year - there we had a horse that was the secret master of villanous band. When I read this entry, I can't help but think the snake's head is the villain, and the green hag just a powerful cohort. Avinash got that relationship right last year, the one whispering the orders is the villain. Maybe if she wasn't carrying it around, I'd feel differently.
I do love the choice of a green hag.
For interesting ideas, this one stays on the cusp for the moment.
Headless Lion King procession!
The imagery is top-notch and I think that regardless of what else happens, that gets you to the second round. There's some great content here, and I'd love to know more. Well done.
CR
The "best title of the round" prize goes to this entry...Headless caravan, huh?
A stylistic point: you write short sentences. It kind of bugged me. Don't know if others were bothered. They haven't commented about it. Yet.
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8
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Pro:
I was roped in by the title. [check]
Not another druid. [check]
Not another Monk, who doesn't use his Kung Fu. [check]
Imagery power good. [double check]
Zebra and silent headless Monkey's ride out! [cool]
"Heads of scholars hang from her saddle ready to supply knowledge and offer council." [talking heads = awesome idea]
Cons:
Enough info to go on about this villain? [no]
I would of liked to know more of what she's getting out of this to seal the deal, whats her angle now, besides becoming a hag, and not dying.
Whats to stop her from just walking away?
Just because sorcerers traditionally don't wear armor doesn't mean they don't under Pathfinder RPG.
I'm quite aware of the mechanics for dealing with arcane spell failure. :)
Perhaps a more accurate statement is, "I wonder why THIS sorcerer would wear armor when doing so is inefficient and makes her a less powerful spellcaster than a sorcerer who focuses in other ways."
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Perhaps a more accurate statement is, "I wonder why THIS sorcerer would wear armor when doing so is inefficient and makes her a less powerful spellcaster than a sorcerer who focuses in other ways."
But wearing armor does not necessarily equate to being inefficient and a less powerful spellcaster. There are lots of ways, even within the SRD and Pathfinder material, to be - or, at least, appear to be - armored without suffering arcane spell failure or using up feats. Not that a green hag with 10 class levels doesn't have a bazillion feats to burn anyway. By my reckoning she's got 4 from her hag HD, 5 from her class levels, and 2 bonus feats (1 sorcerer and 1 fighter). She gets all armor proficiencies from the fighter level, so no wasted feats there...
Unless you mean that taking the level of fighter was being "inefficient" and "makes her a less powerful spellcaster"? In that case, I suggest reading the background again. She started out as a fighter then became a hag and a sorcerer after Ydersius intervened. She didn't choose to gain the ability to wear armor over getting another level in sorcerer; she chose to escape a life of slavery and violence and made some poor choices about what to eat and whose promises of salvation to believe.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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POSTMONSTERED!
Fortunately, my post was short and sweet. I like this villain. I like hags and jungles and secret elder cults, and you have a great name and great visuals. The hooks are good and clearly directed towards the PCs. You conveyed a good amount of backstory in an economical space.
Sure, there are some ambiguities and some questions, but this is a solid villain and I look forward to seeing your stat block fu. On the short list for a vote.
I'm interested how it all works game-mechanically.
The caravan has a mythic quality, like the wild hunt. I think I'd rather hear about it as a legend than actually confront it in the game.
I like hags.
I'm voting for this one.
7/10
Ooo, loads of nonstandard here. Headless zombies. She needs just a little more long-term viability to not be "monster of the week," but it's very very evocative.
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This is a villain, in my opinion, but unfortunately only one for high level play or an action film/thriller novel.
Seriously, this is an all or nothing set-piece encounter, where the PCs face the battalions of headless zombies, the mid-level spellcaster hag, and her 'head of a deposed deity in a sack' all in one go or nothing at all. Maybe at lower levels there might be room for a 'sneak into the camp under the metaphorical noses of the entire army to retrieve the remains of someone important' quest, but like the arms dealer Veddic, this villain is an encounter which will likely smear most parties into paste.Will this villain cause the PCs grief?
Yes but at least it will likely be over mercifully quickly.
I have to disagree with this because that's assuming that the PCs have only one option: run right in. This IS a higher level encounter and higher level PCs have lots of options. They could raise an army, they could go ahead of the caravan and convince a king or a baron to block passage for the caravan, they could use guerrilla tactics, they could try to turn invisible to assassinate her. To assume that the players can only rush in and attack would mean the DM is railroading hardcore.
I just don't see these villain opposing PCs beyond a couple of encounters...
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Hm. That's odd. I don't see anywhere in the Round 2 rules nor in the judges' comments on any villains from this year or last year that having a high-level villain that isn't an appropriate challenge for a level 1 party is a bad thing, as long as it doesn't go above CR 20.
EDIT: and on top of that, how can you not see how it has room for starting level PCs when two of the hooks are pretty much uni-level? Both the "emperor hires PCs to investigate undead monkeys' demand" hook and the "PCs' home village turned into zombietown" hook are suitable starting points for any level of adventurer. Considering that Ydersius's body is in an unknown location, it'd be quite easy for the Headless Caravan to be the looming threat that the PCs work frantically to head off for months before the final confrontation with Sartel herself.
Unless you mean that taking the level of fighter was being "inefficient" and "makes her a less powerful spellcaster"? In that case, I suggest reading the background again. She started out as a fighter then became a hag and a sorcerer after Ydersius intervened. She didn't choose to gain the ability to wear armor over getting another level in sorcerer; she chose to escape a life of slavery and violence and made some poor choices about what to eat and whose promises of salvation to believe.
It amuses me that you think I haven't read the character with enough scrutiny to understand the order of her class levels. :)
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Edit:
I concede it could be a very exciting and dramatic pitched battle, but I see such an encounter more as the climax of a 'one shot' module than something which could feature throughout a campaign, which I suppose may be flexibility that I am looking for in a villain.
I agree with you that she would be a hard fight, but I also see a lot of versatility in the character and it ways to approach her as a problem. I also want to point out that I really love role playing above combat, so as both a DM and a PC, I usually look for alternatives to combat or ways to make it more interesting. I guess its just how different people would use this character. Since its a slow moving caravan, I see it as something that spurs the characters on, because there is only so much time before the caravan reaches another town,kills more, and grows larger. She could also have a king in her pocket out of fear that she'll come through his city and he could hinder the PCs when they try to oppose her. She may detach from the caravan and go forth into places with just a few guards, perhaps to collect scholar heads and the PCs encounter her then. She could also just be something that influences the entire campaign, without much direct interaction.
It amuses me that you think I haven't read the character with enough scrutiny to understand the order of her class levels. :)I just don't see how else you could justify calling her apparent armor use "inefficient" or leading to "less powerful spellcasting".
You need to think more like a powergamer to see why. :)
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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It amuses me that you think I haven't read the character with enough scrutiny to understand the order of her class levels. :)I just don't see how else you could justify calling her apparent armor use "inefficient" or leading to "less powerful spellcasting".
Uh...not that you can't suqestion the 'mechanics' judge of the contest and all, but I think what they're trying to get at is, why does the character continue to wear armor when it hampers her spellcasting. What is it about how she does business that she doesn't care about that.
If I were writing, I would say under (whomever's) tutelage, she reacquainted herself with martial combat and learned to use magic comfortably in her old armor. Maybe implying she has a feat. Or maybe I would say, her weak constitution carried over from her transformation, and she won't be seen without it, even at the expense of the occasional failed spell. Or I might imply she wears armor that masks her appearance so in polite society she can recruit followers and rob graves. Each of these gives some flavor to the character, and would probably be inserted so as to bridge her tactics with her current operations and save word space.
I think what a Superstar doesn't do is leave nagging questions in the minds of the DMs who might read her stuff. You don't want your customers thinking "Dumb sorcerer wears armor." or "Toughness? With that many hit points?" Good mechanical design impacts NPC description and vice versa. A blind villain ought to have in its description something about how it overcomes the disadvantage. Blind fight? Tremorsense? Wouldn't those things impact how survivors view the villain? Or how he shold be described?
Oh, yeah. And the Superjudges might have just ben curious, too.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Okay..this is a villain. She leads lackeys, has power and an agenda, and is clearly evil. Other might say she comes into town one day and gets whacked by the party, but I think her carnival rolls through the coutryside, instead. Weird, headless animal zombies come into a small village and start taking hostages and such. The party investigates, and find that these hoards are like the tail of a comet. The real threat is days ahead, heading like a meteor (ahem) towards the location of her fallen god's body. What will happen if she reaches it, no one dares to allow a guess.
Later in the campaign, the PCs must get past Sartel (not an inspired name) in order to halt the reunion of head and giant snakelike torso. The only way to stop the resurrection of a dead demigod is to hack off the head again while it regenerates and defends itself.
Maybe the PCs are given a vorpal sword and drawn into the adventure path directly because the serpents whisper that such a weapon might spell doom for Sartel's patron.
The writing and choices could be a little better, but the transformed villain with a driving goal is an easy vote for me this far into the second round.
Oh. And I am impressed by the turnaround. I thought the school of eyes was simply awful. A compelling name, I think, but an awful, awful gonzo magic item. To see you come up with the most complete villain of the 20 I've read, that's very pleasing.
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Uh...not that you can't suqestion the 'mechanics' judge of the contest and all, but I think what they're trying to get at is, why does the character continue to wear armor when it hampers her spellcasting.It amuses me that you think I haven't read the character with enough scrutiny to understand the order of her class levels. :)I just don't see how else you could justify calling her apparent armor use "inefficient" or leading to "less powerful spellcasting".
That's precisely my point: there are armor options that do not hamper spellcasting in any way.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Your point isn't that difficult to grasp, man. The response is: how the armor interacts or intervenes with the spellcasting is an opportunity for the sort of flavor the entry should have included. I am pretty sure the staff here know their stuff. Never gamed with the judges, but they do develop the game for a living. If they want a detail, Ibet they have reasons, and it would benefit those of us trying to get noticed to satisfy their preferences and styles.
This is a neat villain that I hope advances to later rounds. But, as I only have four votes, it doesn't quite make it for me. Yes, its a good idea, and one I could see myself using, but it seems a little bit over-the-top in places, so it doesn't quite reach my final four. Good luck, though - this deserves to reach the next round.
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I like the imagery of "an army of marching headless ..." A good idea, but too many details are missing. This is supposed to be a villain for use in D&D, not a blurb on the dust jacket of a book. Didn't make my final four. Maybe others will see it differently.
Which details are missing, in your opinion? Out of curiosity and in the interests of helping the participants.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I like this villain quite a bit. She is something more interesting than a straight up PC race single classed character, she has a goal other than I want power (though it's a bit indirectly I want power for my headless god to come back to life), and she has lots of opportunities to work towards her plan of creepy headless mayhem.
One thing I found a bit odd was the headless rhino in the mix. Headless zombies can be cool but a rhino looses a lot without a head. A headless giraffe would be very freaky though. I can just see the long headless neck flailing people around the battlefield!
So far, this is my 3rd vote - not as strong a lock as my first two, so I'll have to see what the remaining entries have got.
