"You're a great thief. Best I've ever seen. My old party had a thief named Lathan, a city boy who didn't have much bearing in the wilderness where we found ourselves. He accidently sat down on a rattlesnake and got bit in the ass. As he lay near death I rode over mountain and plain, through pounding rain and beating sun, to get to the closest healer at Runyack village. The healer speedily ground up some mixed herbs for a poultice and told me that I needed to cut a cross over the snakebite and suck the venom out with my mouth. I charged back as fast as my horse's legs would take me. Forsaking sleep, and food, and shelter in a dust storm. When I returned to poor Lathan he was still holding on bravely. He gingerly pulled the cloth away from his sore bottom when he asked, "What did the healer say?"
"Doc says you're gonna die, Lathan," I explained.
*
*
*
Just occured to me that although your bard is in a fantasy world, he'd likely employ straight jokes. And better yet, quick ones he could fire off here and there for flavor.
"What did the little nut say to the big nut?"
"Pecan someone your own size."
(Works with a knock knock set-up as well.)
This has been great, guys. Thanks a lot. I'm gonna have to find a way to copy all these and preserve them. In the meantime, keep 'em coming. Like the last guy said, more one-liners and quick-witted quips would be good. Something my bard can whip out quickly during a battle or to lighten to mood during a tense negotiation.
And my bard's a girl, by the way. Baklunish immigrant to Keoland, likes to dress in pink and dye her hair with pink highlights. Refers to herself as a 'Professional Monster Hunter.'
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Did you hear about the man with custard in one ear and fruit in the other? He was a trifle deaf.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I'd better not tell you, you might spread it.
Have you heard the joke about the wall? I'd better not tell you, you'd never get over it.
A. Knock, knock.
B. Who's there?
A. Boo.
B. Boo hoo?
A. There's no need to cry, it's only a joke!
1st strawberry to second strawberry: If we hadn't been in the same bed, we wouldn't be in this jam now! (British)
These will mostly fall under the "bad jokes" heading...
A half-orc was riding by a field of grain when he spotted an orc in a boat, rowing his heart out in the middle of the dry field. The half-breed stared at him for a moment, then bellowed "You ignorant savage! It's because of morons like you that we half-orcs don't get any respect! If I could swim, I'd come out there and pound your face in!"
/rimshot
As told by orcish bard: "Why dead human cross road? BECAUSE I KICKED HIM!"
/rimshot
How many elves does it take to light a brazier?
10: One to light it, and nine to complain about how poorly made it is.
How many dwarves does it take to light a brazier?
None: Dwarves dinna need no stinkin', wimpy, sissy torches ya flea-bitten son of a goblin!
How many halflings does it take to light a brazier?
5: One to light it, and four to rob you blind while he does it.
How many half-orcs does it take to light a brazier?
What's a brazier?
So, two half orc are stumbling home after a night of heavy drinking when one of them notices a small box on the ground; he picks it up and opens it, looking into the mirror inside he states " this person looks familiar" the second one says; "here let me see; yep; its me silly".
So one day a halfling bumkin was braggin about how he knew the captial of every place in Greyhawk, there was absolutely no capital he didnt know on a bet; so someone is the crowd wafers up and says; what is the capital of Veruna? the halfling shouts out " V ", takes the money.
so a half orc and his wife are sleeping when he is suddenly awakened by a scream from his wife "how the hell would I know; its 200 miles from here, p*ss off." The wife rolls over to go back to sleep when the husband askes "what was that about" she replies; "not sure some fool wanted to know if the coast was clear."
hehe you want some BAD jokes; ok; you asked for it.
So, this elderly noble owns a horse stable which has a couple of yearlings, one named Hooker and the other Snooker. So one day Hooker turns to Snooker and says; you wanna race; Snooker says sure. So, off they go; Hooker and Snooker out of the pens; Hooker and Snooker accross the walkway; Hooker and Snooker into the meadow; Hooker and Snooker around the hill; and Hooker and Snooker back through the meadow and Hooker and Snooker accross the walkway and Hooker and Snooker back to the pens and Hooker beat Snooker by that much.
Well, the old noble had been out sippin sherry and noticed the horses running and thought they were pretty fast; so he hired some trainers and jockeys and got them ready to race. The opening race is at the local fair; the Fairway Invitational. Finally, the race starts; and their off; its Hooker and Snooker out of the gate; Hooker and Snooker across the straighaway; Hooker and Snooker into the clubhouse turn; Hooker and Snooker around the down the fairway; and Hooker and Snooker into the Steeplebell Turn and Hooker and Snooker through the second fairway and Hooker and Snooker into the last turn and Hooker and Snooker to the finish line and Hooker beat Snooker by that much. Well, they came in fourth and fifth so the noble just about broke even; but he had a good time so he kept training them and started winning races; race after race Hooker beat Snooker by that much.
So after a couple years the horses are getting bit worn for racing so after a glorious career he puts both up for stud service and retires them back to the stable. One day years later Hooker turns to Snooker and says hey, you wanna race for old time sake; Snooker says; well, only if you let me win; after all the races we ran; you always beat me by that much; I wanna win this one ok; Hooker agrees. So, off they go; Hooker and Snooker out of the pens; Hooker and Snooker accross the walkway; Hooker and Snooker into the meadow; Hooker and Snooker around the hill; and Hooker and Snooker back through the meadow and Hooker and Snooker accross the walkway and Hooker and Snooker back to the pens and Hooker beat Snooker by that much.
so; a stable dog who had watched the whole thing padded up and said; Hooker, you promised to let Snooker win; what gives? Hooker turns to Snooker and says; hey look; a talking dog.
(now run for your life, hehe I have more)
more risky; well.
The Miner.
Well, a miner comes into a mining town and gets his claim all established and decides to head into the bar for a drink; so he orders a drink and says; hey bartender; you got any women fer rent hereabouts, I am going out to the hills and wont be back fer oer a yer; could use a women ifn you know what i mean. Well the bartender comes over and says; nope; aight no women allowed in town; starts to much fightin and killing, but we got old joe around back, we rent him cheap. So the miner asks; is old joe a dude; bartender says yep; miner says; well i am not into that sort of thing; so he pays his bill and leaves.
About a year later, the miner comes back into town and after taking care of his business; goes into the bar for a drink and hopefully some rented companionship. So he asks the bartender about it and gets the same answer; we got old joe out back; he answers the same way; i aint into that sort of thing.
this goes on for several years until the miner is bout to claw his eyes out in frustration; so he asks the bartender; please tell me you got some women to rent, I can afford it; nope says the bartender; we just got old joe out back. So the miner has a lot more drinks and thinks about it; after the drinks start to settle in he motions for the bartender to come down and asks; so, if i do this old joe thing; who would know about it? the bartender thinks a moment and says; hmm; just the five of us. Five, tarnation, why so many says the miner; well, says the bartender; you would know...hehe yep, reckon I would says the miner; I would know...yep; reckon you would too says the miner; well, old joe would definately know...yep hehe i reckon he would at that says the miner; and then the bartender says and the other two fellas I gotta hire to hold old joe down cause he dont go fer that kind of stuff either. ba dum bump
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My favorite Arrogant Worms song (not D&D related, just stuck in my head)
Billy solves his problems by calling up his Mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and Alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm's got his own way and it's better than them all
Chorus
'Cause Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw
and he never has the same problem twice
Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight
Chorus
vruum vruum (with accompanied screaming)
Problem solved.
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This barbarian kid walks up to his parents.
"Ma, Da, how do we get our names?"
"Uh,...I don't uuuh...go ask the druid. He names us all."
"Okaye."
Barbarian kid walks up to the druid.
"Oh venerable one, how do we get our names?"
Druid answers:
"Well, youngling, on those magic days, when a child is born, I walk outside of my hovel and the Great Earth Mother sends me an omen, a propitious sign to guide me in naming the child a name that will grant his soul and fate power. I might see a hawk on the wing, and the child will be named Hawk on the Wing. Or, I might see snow gently falling, and thus, name the child Snow Gently Falling.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*#$ing?"
There was a little moron and a big moron sitting on a fence. A very powerful gust of wind blew by and the big moron fell off of the fence. Why did the little mron stay on the fence while the big moron fell off? Because he was a little more on.
Thank you Shamus Harper.
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late..... and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention.
"GREAT, just great," I moaned.
The driver opened his door........ leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out; studied the damage on his bumper; and walked towards me..... as I rolled down my window.
He said, "I am not happy".......
To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"
A smurf walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey fella. Why so blue?"
Replaces with Blue Slaad, Displacer beast. Blue, etc.
A dwarf, a human, and a drow walk into a bar....
You'd think ONE of them would have seen it.
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Three mice ran up a clock,
The clock struck one
and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
Once upon a time an evil wizard captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the wizard forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave warrior will come and rescue me!" The evil wizard replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the wizard had said. Every warrior who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil wizard taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no warrior would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
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Q: Why do orcs have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
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Q: How do you break an orc's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
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Q: What did the dwarf say when his blade was deformed?
A: "It was an axe-dent."
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Q: How do you kill a group of bards?
A: Go for the juggler.
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There once was a man dressed in black
His victims he stretched on a rack
With their every breath
Right up 'till their death
They begged him to give them some slack
Q: What's the difference between boogers and brocolli?
A: Orcs don't eat brocolli.
Hey man. That's really not funny. I eat broccoli. I listen to Mozart and Tchaikovsky. I can SPELL Tchaikovsky.
There was a little moron and a big moron sitting on a fence. A very powerful gust of wind blew by and the big moron fell off of the fence. Why did the little mron stay on the fence while the big moron fell off? Because he was a little more on.
Thank you Shamus Harper.
Love the Andromeda reference. I thought no one watched it but us!
OK, one more while the muse is upon me:
Oh there once was a dwarf name of Max--
Always stated the obvious facts--
Once while swinging his huge blade,
Over the corpses he'd made,
Said "Stones! This is one truly Greataxe."
Love the Andromeda reference. I thought no one watched it but us!
I'll be getting the entire series in the mail this week : )
Bad jokes, eh?
The wizards of the coast digital initiative!
/rimshot
If you cross a halfling with a human, do you get a quarterling?
Q: What's the difference between an acherai and a fiendish dire budgie?
A: I don't know either!
A kobold walked in to a tavern one day and asked the bartender, "got any grapes?" He said "no". The next day the same kobold walked in, "got any grapes? " The bartender replied "no, why would I have any?" So for the next week every day the kobold would walk in and say "got any grapes?"
On the Eighth day he walked in and before he could ask the bartender interupted, "No I don't have any grapes and if you ask me one more time I'll nail your lips to the floor!" The kobold calmly replied, got any nails? The bartender said, "Well, no." To which the kobold said, "good."
"Got any grapes?"
An attractive woman walked into an inn and asked for a double entendre.
So the barman gave her one.
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Two dwarves are fishing. The first dwarf reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old lamp. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes, "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other dwarf, "So what do you think?" The other dwarf punches him and says, "You idiot! Now we've got to piss in the boat."
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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.
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A barbarian hefted a buckler he'd won in single combat against his foe. As he walked back to his adventuring party, they noticed a pair of snakes nailed to the front of the buckler, and asked the barbarian if he knew they were there.
He said, "Yep--dat's why me wanted dis. Dey're me winned shield vipers."
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Did you hear about the rogue/bard who was asked by his guild to give a keynote speech?
Some of these are priceless. ^_^
A blonde walks into a bar...
and breaks her hip.
How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.
An human uses a pot in a bathroom, then when he washes his hands he uses a lot of water and towels. As he leaves he says, "my parents taught me to keep clean."
Next an elf uses the pot in the bathroom, then when he washes his hands he uses little water and one towel. As he leaves he says, "my parents taught me to conserve resources."
Lastly, a half-orc uses the pot in the the bathroom and doesn't wash his hands. As he leaves he says to himself, "my mother taught me to not piss on my hands."
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Q: How do you help a drowning dwarf?
A: Step on his head.
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One gnoll after taking a bit out of the dead elf bard, who had ranks in perform(comedy), asked another gnoll, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A prophet of Pelor is preaching the word to a gathered crowd.
"Pelor saves!", shouts the prophet.
"Everyone else takes full damage!" shouts a dwarf fighter in response from the crowd.
Guy walks into his boss' office and says, "I got his great idea for a D&D messageboard; I call it Gleemax"
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.
that's it
Not bad but more cruel version.
_____________________________________________________________________
Guy walks into his boss' office and says, "I got his great idea for a D&D; I call it 4th Edition"
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that's it
Three humans are captured by lizardfolk and caged. Having alot of slaves already, the lizardfolk decide to give the humans a chance to escape for some amusment. Each human is told that they will be set free if they pass two challenges. All are taken out the cages and told that the first challenge is to venture into their dangerous forests and bring back 3 peices of fruit.
The first comes back with three apples and shows them to the lizardfolk. The lizardfolk then says "To be allowed to leave you must now pass our second challenge. You must force each peice of fruit up your rear. If you can fit all of it in and not flinch, you will be freed."
Reluctantly, the human tries it, though fails misreibly.
The second human comes back with three grapes, and is told the same. He manages to almost fit all three up before he bursts out laughing. As he is taken to his cage, the first human asks "Why did you laugh? You were almost free!". And he replies "I know, but I saw the other guy, he had three pinapples".
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As war breaks out between two kingdoms, the king sends one of his royal messengers with a summons to a powerful wizard. The messanger travels far across the land, heading towards a the wizards tower high atop a hill. When he arrives, he chaps on the door. Inside, the wizard's familier, a raven, cries out "Who is it?".
The messenger straightens up and relpies "I am a royal messenger from his majesty the king. Please open the door."
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
The messenger then replies "Erm..it's the messenger."
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
This time, the messenger shouts "It's the messenger!"
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
The messenger shouts "It's the messenger!"
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
The messenger shouts "It's the messenger!"
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
The messenger shouts "It's the messenger!"
The raven then asks again "Who is it?"
This time, however, the messenger loses paitence. He steps back and charges, breaking the door down, but hitting his head against a desk as he stumbles into the room. He then lies there, unconcious as the wizard then steps in behind him.
He asks "Who is this person on my floor?"
And the raven replies "It's the messenger!"
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Edit: One more
Three people arrive in the afterworld, where they are greated by a celesital to take one to Bystopia. the celestial, however, cannot remember which one is to be taken, so he decides to ask all how they died, deciding that he would take the one who died the most painful death.
The first explains "Well, for a while I beleived my wife to be cheating on me. I work as a messenger. One day, I told her I was going on a long trip to deliver a message to another town. I came home and I went upstairs. I heard some scuffiling and I went into my bedroom. My wife was asleep, but on our balconay was a man hanging from the edge. In a rage, I rushed over and smashed his fingers. He fell on the ground but he wasn't dead...so while on the ground I dragged my wardrobe across the bedroom and threw it over. After realizing what I had done..I couldn't live with the guilt, so I hung myself."
The second then explains "Well..I work as a theif. The other day, I was escaping from a guard and I thought it might be a good idea to scale a house...and escape on the rooftops. I lost my balance and fell down, but I caught onto a balcony. Then some guy came over and smashed my fingers. After I hit the ground, he threw a wardrobe on me."
The last then explains "Okay picture this...you're hiding naked in a wardrobe
Here's a political jokes as it seems they're in short supply.
A dwarf and a gnome are in a market trying to sell some hammers, when across the street they see a crowd surrounding an elf selling mithril shirts at outrageous prices. They dwarf cries, "How is this fair? I mined that mithril and made those shirts for him, yet he's getting all the money!"
The gnome replies, "Well, that's lazy-fey economics for you."
Q: Why did the ranger cross the road?
A: He was tracking the chicken.
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There was a flyer tacked up in the town square, telling about a gnome seer who'd just escaped from prison. The headline: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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Three rogues are running from the guards after a heist, a halfling, an elf, and a half-orc. Knowing they wont be able outrun the guards they duck into an alley, it's full of potatoe sacks piled up, some empty some half full, some full, so each hides himself in an empty sack and waits, the guards see the some of the sacks moving so they kick the bag with the halfling in it, the halfling goes "meow" and the guards think its just a cat in the bag. So they kick the bag with the elf in it and he goes "arf arf", So the guards think its just a dog in the bag. They kick the bag with the half orc in it and he goes "Potatoe"...