| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
You're on fire, covered in chicken spit and bleeding out!
Search Posts
Reta remember to drink milk every day for strong body so she could grow up and win the Big Game.
Or was it malk? It's not like she could read the carton.
Reta plops face down into the smelly chicken den as the embers of flame erupt around her. Well, she went down in a blaze of glory. Not too shabby.
"Stupid chicken! Me eat you, you no eat me!" Reta flails as the chicken bites down hard.
Reta coughs some of the dust away. This place smells funny.
Reta drops her bow and draws her horsechopper. "Probably tastes like chicken?" Reta takes a 5 feet step and slices the chicken back.
No time to think about what she's been doing recently! Reta takes aim and shoots the crazy chicken.
Reta nods and moves toward the underside of the house to look at the nest. Whichever way we go, Stealth + Perception:
Reta nods, pulls her cloak around her, and dreams of riding Squealy Nord into battle. Maybe a theme song, too. Complete with BIFF and POW as she shoots her foes!
Reta realizes Squealy Nord is too small. But hey, it's good to see a returning character. As they reach the hut, Reta keeps her longbow ready. "Nice loot? Maybe we get more gourds before Munchmeat show up?"
Reta bows politely to Squealy Nord. "Wow... Poog! Ask Squealy Nord if I can ride him!" Assuming Nord doesn't mind, Reta wonders if she can hop on and ride force.
Reta readies her bow. This could get noisy...
The plight of a pig in need overwhelms Reta, and she's not sure what to do from here. Keep it together girl! Heroes never falter!
Reta tries not to gasp. "We have to find Squealy Nord! Ask piggie where Squealy Nord is?"
Reta sees signs with WORDS on them. Nope, not falling for that trap. No wonder other goblins died here, they must have tried to read it! She has no idea what Mogmurch is trying to do. The Three Finger Salute? That dangerous when you don't shut down the machine properly first!
Reta looks around the farm. "Okay, we need to find leader and daughter. Let us look around." Reta wraps the cloak around herself and begins stalking around, mumbling I am the Bat.
"Oooh. Fire." Reta has an impromptu victory dance before she finally puts out the flames and retrieves her bow. "Okay, er, Poog, can you use wand on me?"
She's feeling a bit better now. "Okay. More fire piggies at farm? Wow, we can tame them all and Birdcrunchers can ride army of fire breathing pigs!"
"Okay, me keep distracting it, right?" She holds her dogslicer at the ready.
"And slice!"
Too crowded to get a good shot. Maybe a new edition of bows will solve that. She sighs, drops her shortbow and draws her dogslicer as she double moves and threatens the boar. "Hurry up and stab piggy!"
"Um, piggies spit fire?"
"Whoa, these piggies tough! Wonder if we could tame one?"
Her shortbow is ready, and she takes aim.
"Go Birdcrunchers! [smaller]But secretly also Licktoads[/amsller]"
Reta points in the direction of the noise and pulls out her bow. Time for her first battle as chief.
Reta eats well, soaks in some hot springs (or at least a warm pond), sleeps on a big fluffy bed, and dreams about shooting and stabbing a bazillion dogs while wolves howl her praises. The sun rises, and it's time for chief to to do what a chief has to do. Plus, more target practice! "So. Who good at wilderness? Me like shooting. And hiding."
"Big fluffy beds are nice. Better than rocks. Sometimes. We not let you down!" "Okay, me can use cloak. Me take not-burning potion."
"Each of us take one not-bleeding potion, too." "Okay. We split gold, but maybe after we get back. First: spa!" Reta looks for some hot springs (or at least warm water) to spend some time soaking in.
"Oooh, pretty!" Reta adjusts the crown on her head. This is what it means to be a leader. Besides, her "Yes, is is great! We will crunch birds and defend tribe. Then we make great fire. But not too great."
"Ha! We kill birds for stealing voice from other birds!" Reta climbs out of the goo. "Who win?" She looks at the line of stones piling up. "Huh, lots of Red stones... wait a minute." Reta's mind feels like two sticks rubbing together as they build up friction and they think...FIRE! "Wait! I win? I win!" The Birdcrunchers surround and cheer her on. "Ah, yes. I am happy to become your chief." She clears her throat. "Er, four score and seven years ago... wait no... hope and change is worth two in the bush. No wait... build a wall and make... wait no, um... takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose!"
"Birdcrunchers rule and they make others drool! You will all grow big and strong alongside chief Reta. And her subchiefs:" "Chief of mighty Zarongel, Poog!"
"We will help you grow big and strong. But only if you help us!" she cheers.
"Ha ha! Red Tailed Marrow screams for victory. But not around here, because this Birdcruncher tribe." Reta takes a quick swing.
"Come on, get out. We must do more hero stuff soon!" She climbs out of the pie pit. "Mogmurch! Good job securing escape route!"
"Ow! Stupid bird!" Reta fights every urge to kiss her foot amid the grease and fire.
But she does slice that eagle up good.
Reta readies her dogslicer against the nearest eagle.
Reta pulls out her dogslicer, ready for some bird stealing revenge-based action!
Reta relaxes some more. Until a filthy chirp bird gets in her face. The pie goo gets into her eagle wounds and burns more. "Stupid chirp bird! People think you scream but I know secret! Red Tailed Marrow scream proud, almost like wolf howl! You chirp like a puny dog! Stealing glory make Reta... angry!" Reta She reaches over to Poog and breaks his bonds. "Hurry up! We need to kill bird thieves! For Red Tailed Marrows!"
Round 1: Reta realizes she needs something to fight the eagles with. But... she can't untie her hands, that's not heroic. Luckily a fellow supporter arrives and hands her a rusty trusty weapon. Off in the hot soup she goes! That stirge made her a bit woozy, but that's not enough to burn her. "Ooh, kinda relaxing, like hot water spa..." She zones out briefly, forgetting she should even try to break the bonds.
Reta takes a deep breath. She doesn't like this at all. She checks her gear. Drops off the meathook. Then the dogslicer. Then the shortbow. And the bridal veil. And the jar of pickled halfling toes. Keep the caterpillars for good luck. She gulps, waits for the goblins to bind her, and they toss her right in. 2 rounds later...:
"Whew. Steal kill feels good." She stretches and holsters her longbow. "How I do!" She gets the score and scratches her head. "Uh... is that good?" She moves to the other heroes. "So, did you win?" "Mogmurch, take mud bath later. We need to do hero stuff now."
Reta lets the force guide her aim. The force of the smelly wind someone let loose downwind of her. Reta will try to finish Black. Then she'll keep aiming at the closest Stirge until they tell her to stop.
"Heeeey! That's killsteal!" Reta frowns as Poog gets credit for the kill she set up. She sighs and aims at Black. There is no eye in teem, she thinks.
Reta fires again at the Orange stirge.
"Okay, no more time for kung fu. I need bows. Lots of bows." Reta pulls out her short bow and takes aim at the stirge on the Orange flag.
Oh. Ranged would have made this easier. I was wondering how we would hit the critters on the other side of the planks without crazy acrobatics shenanigans.
"Gah! Even after unlocking inner goblin, bugs are fast!" Reta tries to slap the stirge off of her.
Reta continues her impromptu martial arts routine, even as she's losing her blood.
"Me know goblin-fu."
"Uh, that was me making mighty goblin stance!"
"Stomp of Longshank!" If the stirge is properly squished, Reta will advance down the plank towards the next stirge.
Reta wear big longshank boots. Wobbly! She makes her way to the plank and tries to balance across.
She moves across the plank and makes it to one of the stirges.
Reta takes a long, deep breath. Reminds her of eating mudpie at goblin school. Well, no goblin school just her planning how to knock a big rock on top of her tormentors.
She takes aim and fires!
"Okay. You are the one, Reta. There is no try. Only do."
As soon as she fires she pauses. She knows she's wrong. "Whoa."
"Shoot birds? Heh, me great with shooting. I'll look at the bird and- h-hey! Me no see!" Reta stumbles a bit as the Birdcrunchers take a few tries to tie the headband around her
She does a quickly flourish, takes aim and fires!
"No no, Mummy Yoda said one of us gets crown and becomes Chief, but Chief can nom-in-ate other backup Chiefs. So one get crown, others get to backup crowned Chief." Reta lifts her head from the Seagull stew long enough to remind everyone, then dunks her football-shaped head back into the soup.
Reta digs right in to the feast. "Salty, yes!" She eats up. "Yaah! Crown show who is the biggest hero. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's Poog. Maybe we all win. But Birdcrunchers will be biggest, bestest tribe ever!"
"Woo!"
Oh, whoops. RIP Natural 20.
"Oh, test for new chief?" Reta's brain cells (what's left of them anyway) light up. "Oh! New party and new Chief! Then we fight... uh whatever that problem was." Reta shrugs and talks to the goblin whelps. "You grow big and strong, and then you can carry dogslicer!" Reta pulls out her own and brandishes it like a cool goblin hero would. "Or you take a bow and nock an arrow. See horse's eye and... TWANG!" Reta plucks her bow string, aiming it at an imaginary horsey.
It's amazingly impressive in her mind. Everyone's going to think she's so cool! |