You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated longshanks-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result. What idiots! Good thing you're not like them.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut. Good fun all around!
But here's where things got interesting! Before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box in the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks--fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from
Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
And why not? After all, you're big, important goblins! But do you even know who those other goblins around you are? Right now you're outside the Chief's Moot House--His Mighty Girthiness is probably informing his speaker Slorb what to say--so take a chance to tell each other how big and strong you are. Oh, what you look like might not be bad either.
A goblin with a BIG head and a mouth full of worms steps in front of the group. She is wearing leather armor overlayed with what looks like a faded pink halfling lady's corset. She takes out her dogslicer, waves it above her head, and yells with a squeaky voice:
BIGBAD Reta! You call me BIGBAD!
Worm intestines rain down on the group as she continues:
BIGBAD LOVES DOGS! BIGBAD cuts them up and cook them! BIGBAD keeps ears for show and tell!
She displays her quiver excitedly. It appears to be covered with dog ears.
BIGBAD has most dog ears! No one has more! BIGBAD best!
Satisfied with her self-aggrandizement, Reta breaks into her tribal dance routine.
Bigbad chop and Reta bite!
Bigbad slay and Reta fight!
Bigbad stab and Reta smite!
Bigbad Reta kills it right!
A hulking goblin in filthy hides, leans on his big tree branch club and spits.
"You no bigbad. You smallsad with puppy ears."
He shakes a necklace of dried ears of his own and thuds his club into the dirt.
"Me squash peoples. Take ears. Crunch bones. Me strongest."
"Me strongest..." A particularly toothy (& toothsome) Goblin of the feminine persuasion interjects. "It 'Me strongest.' You not want to sound like stupid Scribbleface do you?"
"Grammar is important. Can't talk right, can't think right; have to do like stupid Scribbleface & write things down..." Musing further, the Goblinesse focuses her attention on the burly Goblins' companion toads & proceeds to burble & click at them for a moment, seeming to wholly ignore the Goblins themselves.
Another goblin stands. He is slightly shorter than the rest with a relatively small head, but he stares a challenge at each of the other goblins in the room.
Me am the best. Poog am me. Me so brave, me face 20 dogs with only Dogsmasher here. He holds up a dried smashed mess that could have once been a toad. They smash him, but me burn them. Lot's of fire, big and bright. No more dogs. Of course Poog did not tell that they all ran from a bear. So did Poog. Me go kill all the dogs.
"Uhm.......................Goblins. They's goblins. Do goblins things. Kills. Laughs......... Uh........... burns.... Thinks."
"BEST! Mighty Ronk best! Rider of Anklebitter, Ronk of the Order of Dog-eaters!" Shouts a goblin covered in tooths tied together with a small bag, from inside the bag peers a toad.
Reta snaps to the hulking goblin in filthy hides and barks an rebuke:
"You no...!!!"
Her articulation fails as she lays her eyes on his massive, menacing frame and weapon.
"Uh... Reta no BIGBAD, you BIGBAD! Reta am Reta..."
She stutters apologetically and proceeds to hide behind the closest goblin, which happens to be Poog.
Aka shakes her head slightly as she observes the inevitable posturing, shoving & immanent violence that is life in a Goblin tribe.
Nipper puffs his chest out and struts around, clearly pleased with himself.
"Where chief? Me no like waiting. "
Aka takes a step away from Fingernipper.
Suddenly, in the midst of your introductions--the posturing is pretty commonplace--you hear a nasal whine come out of the moot house. "His Mighty Girthiness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad now offers invitation for the chosen goblins to enter his fine moot house of wonders!" It is the voice of Slorb, Chief Gutwad's duly appointed adviser and speaker (after all, the Chief's own voice is far too great for normal goblins to hear).
Entering the moot house after climbing its ladder, you see the many treasures of the Licktoad tribe decorating the walls. An old rusty longshanks sword with a gem set in the hilt leans against the wall, and with it is a bit of chainmail, one that's often gnawed on by the tribe's goblin dogs (and occasionally its goblins). Several old, dead toads are nailed into the wall by their feet, some spread out, some just hanging by one leg. These are the Toads of Great Gobs, the pets of mighty Licktoad heroes of the past, and every Licktoad hopes to someday have their own toad on this wall. There are also several bits of dogs on the floor or walls, and the tribe's prize possession--the skeletal ribcage and skull of a horse--is displayed next to Chief Gutwad's throne.
Ah, yes, the Teeter Chair--a monstrous contraption, taller than two goblins, which leans precariously but holds up the great Chieftain, His Mighty Girthiness, Rendwattle Gutwad. Grown large from feasting on the fears of the longshanks and the innards of their dogs and horses, Gutwad has his mighty bow on his lap, and he grins down at you. A ghastly sight, to be sure, but one fitting of a great leader! His eye was put out by a kick from a horse, they say, although the blackened scar around the socket might suggest otherwise.
At the foot of the Teeter Chair is Slorb, dressed in his usual tattered, sloppy robes. The adviser bows to you and steps aside.
And then, wonder of wonders and fear of fears, the Chief speaks to you! His voice is booming, much deeper than a usual goblin's pitch.
“You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission.
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows
route to place near coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many
games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!” (Nord being the fearsome beast and mascot of the Licktoads, who dwells in the Pit of Squealing Death in the village.)
Nipper begins to slaver at the thought of man flesh, and with the promise of mayhem that the fireworks brought, the proposition was too good to pass up, not that he had any choice in the matter.
"Oh great and mighty Chief. You give great honor. Me get many many fireworks for Licktoads. Me put fear of Licktoads in hearts of longshanks, dogs and horses. None stop this great and important job. "
Ronk only hears half of what the chief says, his attention being arrested by the treasures in the room, and the toads. but he does hear the important bits: "Mission, fireworks, somewhere, kill and have fun!"
"Ronk will do mission! Ronk mighty lance kill Licktoads enemies!"
Poog perks up at the mention of more fireworks. Poog will bring back many fireworks. Poog can burn many things. And kill all the dogs.
LotslegsEatsGoblinBabiesMany? sounds...
!
Aka steps forward, bowing in the direction of the Teeter Chair as she declaims. "Goblins killed before, Goblins will kill again. Fireworks shall light the sky to shout the Glory of the Licktoad!"
Reta is awestruck by the Chief's mighty presence and falls to her knees before his throne.
"Great Mighty Girthiness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad honor Reta with mission! Reta don't care about die! Reta do mission GOOD!" She squeaks out in a high pitched voice and kowtows before him as if in the presence of a god.
The Chief grins down at you. "Good! Me knew you good goblins, best of tribe but for me, and maybe but for Slorb. You go do this, you always best goblins of tribe but for me!" Gutwad gestures to his adviser, and Slorb produces the map, drawn on a thin plank of wood, which you can look at. "Now, GO!" the Chief roars, pointing to the door. "Me need get ready for feast, and you need get ready too, for feast and for big job!"
Outside, you notice most of the village's goblins bringing firewood to the spot of the bonfire which will take place tonight along with the feast. One child points at you. "You see Chief! You bigbads!" Another goblin smacks it with a stick to get it going again, but the message is clear--you're already on your way to being village heroes.
A big grin creeps onto Reta's face as she nods repeatedly at the goblin boy. She feels ecstatic because for the first time in her life someone OTHER then herself is calling her BIGBAD! She chuckles to herself as a vision of grandeur fills her mind:
Reta kill longshanks and get fire! Then Reta do good mission! Then Reta BIGBAD to tribe! Then Reta important! Then others do Reta say! Then Reta am Chief! Yes YES! RETA AM CHIEF!!!
Unable to contain her excitement, Reta bursts once again into her tribal dance, but quickly stops herself and hides behind Poog as the hulking goblin with the BIG club comes into view.
Not wanting to provoke Fingernipper's wrath, Reta decides to go around the village and ask about the Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many.
Eyebrows arching as she observes the others & their responses to Chief Gutwad's pronouncement, not to mention the obvious change in perception among the 'common Goblin' through the village; Aka contemplates what she knows of the swampy areas they will pass through, reviewing her recollection of the map they were presented with.
Taking advantage of the notoriety Chief Gutwad's favor provides, Aka speaks with some of the Tribal 'elders', , inquiring what they can tell her about the less-well-known dangers of the swamp & surrounding area.
Nipper straightens his ragged armour and clothing and struts around the bonfire preparations. Anytime a member of the tribe takes interest in his swagger, he strikes a heroic pose, letting them know,
"Chief want me for big important job. Me big deal. Tomorrow go kill longshanks and dogess and horses. Me big deal."
He takes a moment to bask in their awe, irritation or indifference. The response is less important than the basking.
Ronk leaves the chief to try and find goblins to hear his tales and get tales out fo them about the swamps and the LotslegsEatsGoblinBabiesMany. He also will try to bully everyone in fearing him.
"Ronk want to fight lotslegs."
"Fear mighty Ronk and his lance!"
Poog goes back to his hut to pick up his salt shaker. He's heard that dogs go really well with salt. He might actually get to try it soon. Finally he returns back to where the bonfire is being built and watches, waiting for the fire, and half-ignoring anyone who comes along to marvel at a goblin who got to meet with the cheif.
Dejected that everyone she tried to talk to pretty much fled as soon as Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many was mentioned, Reta starts back for the bonfire. While on her way, she notices the toothy goblinesse darting to and fro among the tents of some of the village elders, seemingly having success gathering information about the mission.
Hmm... Toothy smart, talk to elder. Reta ask Toothy about Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many!
Reta scoots over and flashes a big grin as she waves to Aka.
"Hi! Me Reta! Me you on mission from Chief!"
She then leans in closer and whispers excitedly:
"You know Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many? What elders say? Please tell?"
Though clearly responding to Reta's query, the toothy Goblinesse seems to be directing her attention & her answers to Reta's toad, Spotol. "LotslegsEatGoblinBabiesMany problem. Maybe worse than that even! Probably not like fire though, so taking torches with us good idea."
When Poog hears Aka talk about fire he stands. I got lots of fire. I love fire! He rubs his hands together and starts to look like he's ready to give a demonstration.
"...Fire...Remind...Reta..."
Reta nods excitedly as Aka explains the intricacies of fire and, when she is done, clasps her hand and declares:
"Toothy smart! Know mission and talk to Spotol! Maybe Toothy teach Reta?"
Her attention quickly shifts to Poog, however, when he boasts about his his ability to create fire as he begins to rub his hands together. Reta is excited about the imminent spectacular display and unconsciously leans closer and closer...
Despite varied abilities when it comes to being nice and general smartness--Reta, Fingernipper, and Poog in particular get called "Bigdumb scramblehead!" more than once--all of the goblins are able to learn about the various dangers of the swamp.
Marsh has lotsgood stuff, with lotsgood places to hide and lotsgood things to eat. Some things poisonous, though, so don't be bigdumb scramblehead. Bestest thing about marsh is that the longlegs don’t come in! They’re afraid of the monsters. Monsters bigbads, but if you know about them before they find out about you, running is good way to live. Lotsbad of monsters, like wild dogs, giant bugs, giant snakes, and giant frogs. Oh, and Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many. And maybe Vorka.
Lotsbad giant bugs in swamp, but giant spider Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many (just say “Lotslegs”) is bigbadest! Lives somewhere in the marsh between Licktoad village and coast, and the route that Scribbleface’s map shows leads right through Lotslegs' territory! Very bigbad!
Map simple stupid, showing little more than the Licktoad village, old shipwreck on coast that supposedly contains the fireworks, and the creek that runs between here and there. By following creek, you should be able to easily reach the old wreck if you're not bigdumb stupids. But old wreck is also in part of swamp that all Licktoads know is territory of Vorka the cannibal. You know Vorka, right? You not that bigdumb scramblehead
Vorka the bigbadest bigbad of swamp! She was chief's wife long time ago. She killed at et chieftain, plus other goblins, before she get kicked out of town, many goblins ago. Now she live alone near coast of swamp, and never come back. All goblins who go there get eaten!
While you ask about this, you see all the goblins making big fire. Now it's almost time for the party; you have just enough time to talk to each other and then it'll start!
Reta almost faints as she realizes the magnitude of the danger she will be facing. Taking Spotol out of her pocket and bringing it up to her face, she sobs:
"Reta be dead soon Spotol... Reta sorry... Reta love Spotol."
Aka pats Reta consolingly as she sobs into her toad. "Don't going to die...
After all, have 'the many-lived' with you. Maybe if you die, you become !"
"We be goblins. We not fear. We squish Lotslegs. We squash Vorka. Eat em up. Grow strong. We gets fireworks and we be heros. So say Nipper."
The goblin thumps his chest once and then wanders over to check out the nascent bonfire.
Ronk nods at hearing of the dangers then he adds: "I pierce lotslegs and roast them, Anklebiter will ter Vorka's throat out!"
Stop your jibber-jabber, goblins! Finally, the time has come to be recognized for the heroic bigbads you are! The Licktoads are honoring you now with a bonfire! What fun!
As the sun is setting and night falls on the swamp, the preparations are completed, with a huge pile of wood in the center of the village. As you watch, four goblins--who look like they're working very hard--carry out Chief Gutwad seated atop the Teeter Chair, with Slorb walking alongside, yelling and cursing and helping them balance the towering wooden contraption. Eventually, with much shouting from Slorb and the Chief, and a near mishap that almost sends Gutwad sprawling onto the logs, the Teeter Chair is planted on the ground and the goblins step back, looking worn out and relieved.
The Chief now holds up what looks like a small tube of something and all the goblins sound quiet. He's about to speak--to the village! More than one of your fellows looks terrified at the prospect of their head exploding from the Chief's terrible voice.
"Licktoads!" he booms , and at this sound one goblin lets out a small shriek and drops to the earth, dead of shock. Shrugging, Gutwad points, and two goblins pick up the body and toss it on the pile, grinning and chuckling.
"LICKTOADS!" the Chief calls again, louder this time, and leers around, as if looking for another insolent villager to interrupt him. "You know we bigbad tribe in swamp, we best and baddest goblins around!" All the goblins cheer, and the Chief sits back, enjoying the adulation. "And even but we have Scribbleface, who make bad by writing and having words come out his head, we still bad. Now we know to find many bigbad fire-bangs in swamp, and we send bestest goblins--but for me, maybe but for Slorb--to go get! We get fire-bangs, and we burn the longlegs and take their shinies!" All the goblins shriek with excitement again.
The Chief holds up his tube. "This just start! I give you Licktoad bigbads: Aka, Fingernipper, Reta, and Ronk! Other two somewhere, but not know..." The goblins cheer again, and lift you up (unless you object or struggle not to be lifted), only to lose their grips and drop you back to the earth, where they help you up and continue cheering like mad.
Grinning, Chief Gutwad strikes the tube against a stone held up by Slorb, and sparks begin to fly from the end. All the goblins yell as he points it at the bonfire logs, and one by one, small shots of fire blast out into the wood and set it ablaze.
The celebration has begun! The Chief pulls out his barrels of fermented cider apples, and all the goblins begin to dig into these happily, getting drunk quickly
Nimbly flipping out of the clumsy grasp of her bearers just as they begin to lose their grip, Aka grins toothily (How else?) at Chief Gutwad & the other Goblins as she also grabs & bites into one of the fermented apples.
Nipper bounces back to his feet and full of swagger, he muscles his way over to the barrels of fermented apples and crams a fist full down his gullet.
Almost immediately, his vision becomes a little blurry and his faces turns pleasantly numb. A big stupid grin spreads across his face as he staggers back towards the bonfire, handing out high fives along the way. When he reaches the ring around the fire, he throws an arm around the random goblin next to him, "You know, you alright. Me thinking you pretty great. No, no...no, no. Me knowing you is great." He then lifts his face to the night sky and lets out a loud "Woooooo!!!"