I am really good at growing various berries (vines and bushes, we have elderberry, goose berry, black currant, and raspberries currently, well had, going to have to net them all next year, seems our birds are very efficient at larceny), but I am pretty sure a sundress with strawberries woudln't be my look ;), I think my pretty serious beard would clash and be a bad accessory.
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A collarless shirt with braces/suspenders, wellington boots, old corduroy trousers tied at the knee with binder twine and a spotted handkerchief knotted around the neck might do, or maybe that's more yokelcore.
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I am craving pizza so bad right now I could commit an act of war.
Perhaps unwisely, this is my third day skipping Adderall. I didn't mean to start something, but now that I've started it I should finish. I just want to see what it does over a couple weeks, then I'll try the mood stabilizers.
I've been struggling to reenter the workflow. Realizing that I took advantage of Adderall to make up for a pretty uneven sleep schedule, the way people use coffee. Now I'm having to wake up normally and it's... hard.
Respective updates: I did get pizza. Skipping Adderall doesn't stop the latenight depression mood swings. I didn't get any work done today.
Results: 1/3.
This is the time of night I'm not supposed to post because I've become irrationally sad and I'll feel embarrassed of it tomorrow.
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Welcome to a little known variant of Imposter Syndrome.
Just be you.
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Welcome to a little known variant of Imposter Syndrome.
Just be you.
I find it helps for me to remind myself that all my imposters also suffer from Imposter Syndrome.
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KC, I have found that lately I have been favoriting your posts almost as soon as I start reading them. You are rapidly becoming one of my heroes!
:D
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KC, I have found that lately I have been favoriting your posts almost as soon as I start reading them. You are rapidly becoming one of my heroes!
:D
I bet her mom is named Martha.
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Martha
>:O!!!!!!
KC, I have found that lately I have been favoriting your posts almost as soon as I start reading them. You are rapidly becoming one of my heroes!
<3
Don't worry, I'll post something really dumb tomorrow to reset things.
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Martha>:O!!!!!!
KC, I have found that lately I have been favoriting your posts almost as soon as I start reading them. You are rapidly becoming one of my heroes!<3
Don't worry, I'll post something really dumb tomorrow to reset things.
So I take it from your reaction you paid money to see Batman Vs Superman?
That's rough, I'm sorry!
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WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME??
Laughing Out Loud!
:D
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Like Hell! I feel like if I met a God who said, "Yeah, some people go to unending torment because they were Bad," I'd want to protest outside his house. Or throw a brick through his window. I oppose capital punishment and use of torture on Earth, why would I support it anywhere else?
And God himself! Like, I don't morally believe in the idea that one being can know best for "lesser beings" in any other case. Why make an exception for God?
I'm not actually here to trash Christianity. It's more that I know my understandings of this are weak, and I'm curious if anyone who's done more theological studying has deeper explanations for these concepts that I may be missing. I find metaphorical interpretations of the Bible really fascinating. I remember hearing one person's interpretation of the story of Adam and Eve that just... completely revamped my read on the Garden of Eden and the challenge of reconciling suffering with the idea of an all-loving God.
I do think it's funny that the Bible is explicitly pro-trans people. Man and woman were created in His image, which means God's image must span both manly and womanly form, even though obviously women don't use he/him pronouns. It implies that gender and physical sex are totally separate concepts for God, and He considers the latter totally irrelevant to the former.
Still hates crossdressers, though, depending on which book you read. :P
Oh, I was raised Catholic, but I failed out of catechism. Don't worry, I'm all for putting the big guy on the cross and worshiping Pope Lucifer.
Okay, so there may have been some Evangelicalism present in my childhood as well.
1. In Genesis, Eve was created FROM Adam. Therefore, as a 'spiritual photocopy', she should be in all ways slightly inferior and that extends to all women... and that all men are naturally superior to all women.
This was in part helped by the early Church that went full-on into 'witch'-hunts, because there were a great many societies that were matriarchal, and the best way to erode/corrode destroy them was to nudge men to think they were better than women.
2. In Genesis, Eve allegedly grabbed the Apple of Knowledge because she was weak enough to let a snake (the embodiment of the Devil) tell her it was a great idea. So instead of being immortal beings free of sin, it's all Eve's fault because Adam was a dumbass and said "Hey, that sounds great, let me have a nibble."
3. In Judges, Delilah (depending on your read) seduced and/or mutually fell in love with Samson enough, who told Delilah his Kryptonite which she then acted upon and betrayed him.
His response after some folks he was an utter douchebag to (the Phillistines) beating him within an inch of his life (deserved or not, Samson was a bit of a Johnny Bravo Bibilical figure) and putting him to work as a prisoner was to ask God for strength to bring the house down.
Those are just some of the things I remember off the top of my head.
In addition to the above, because women are 'lesser' and 'tainted by the Devil', no 'Good' man would ever want to be a woman, and any woman wanting to be a man must be the Devil trying to trick Men away from the path of Good.
I'm a 'recovering' Catholic, but my religious education there was actually quite tame compared to the above, which is of a more recent and noxious aroma of conservative Christianity.
If I'm gonna be smote, I'd prefer the Duke of Thunder just hit me with a good big enough lightning bolt rather than it being some pansy-arsed deity hiding behind their anti-hero identity as the Devil making far too many people suffer.
I feel like a walnut being eaten from the inside by beetles and I'm desperate to skip to the end.
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Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386, live chat, or text: 678678
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or live chat
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KC, do you have someone you can talk to - someone who will answer the phone right now? If not, I urge you to use the prevention hotline. Half serious; a quarter serious; or fully serious I want you to know that you need to stay here with the rest of us.
Please talk it out with someone tonight, no matter how bad it may seem.
I'm talking to a friend. I don't want to talk to strangers because explaining to strangers that I'm a horrible person who hurts my loved ones is a lot harder than trying to tell my friend that and her telling me I'm wrong
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KC, I don't know what you're going through right now, but please don't attempt something so drastic. You know you're off your meds and the changes in your brain chemistry as they try to readjust isn't helping your perspective.
Please hang in there. Please.
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KC, even "non-horrible" people hurt their loved ones from time to time. Ain't none of us perfect.
Even if you've done a horrible thing -- and I suspect your guilt and overactive brain is amplifying the impact, but I don't think you're going to listen to me because Guilt -- that doesn't make you a horrible person. Or even a mildly bad person.
I've done horrible things. Some out of obliviousness, some out of blinders from self-absorption, and some where I knew it was horrible and did it anyway. But I couldn't attempt to make repartitions and repair those harms if I wasn't around.
I might have been gone and not been there for my brother when he had a crisis and attempted to take his own life.
I might have been gone and missed out on seeing my two imperfect, knuckleheaded, wonderful nephews grow into young men.
I might have been gone and not been here when my dad needed me to help him and support him as my mom's health failed. I might have not been here in the aftermath as he had to find a new life without her.
I might have been gone and never met wonderful people like you -- you, KC -- and Selene and Rysky and Feros and Kali and Cystal and so many great good people. You are important, KC, and you bring good into this world.
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I'm sorry for worrying people. It should be fine. I'm talking to the friend.
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KC, sometimes an outsider can help you to see that what you see as the actions of a horrible person are really just the messy bits of being an average human. Outsiders can have perspective that your friends lack and professionals can help you see the best in yourself when you need to the most.
I’m just an idiot who is forum hopping because their kid won’t fall asleep after a feeding, but we’ve talked enough that I know you’re not a horrible person. I just want to make sure you get real help in trying to see that fact yourself
I shouldn't say I'm sorry for worrying people because on some level obviously I wanted to be worried about or talked to. I'm sorry.
I've basically destroyed a very important relationship and probably killed a few by proxy because this may be the kind of divide that tears everyone apart.
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That may feel like what has happened at this moment in time, but human relationships are messy. Relationships that feel completely destroyed are sometimes far easier to repair than we first presume and sometimes the ones we expect to shatter in the fall out of other things, carry on as normal.
I obviously don’t know the details. I can’t predict anything or speak for anyone, but don’t count anything out just yet.
The harder part is taking care of yourself, right now, and I don’t know if I can be any more insistent: you need to look out for yourself tonight. Please keep talking to your friend. Keep talking to as many people as you need to, and please consider calling one of the numbers or live chatting one of the lines Ambrosia posted.
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I've basically destroyed a very important relationship and probably killed a few by proxy because this may be the kind of divide that tears everyone apart.
Back eons ago, in my early 20s, I destroyed one of the most important relationships in my then life because of my desperate need to keep attempting to push myself into the middle of her life. I could see she was moving on and growing, and it terrified me that my part in it was shrinking. I said things that night I still regret, things I knew were destructive and hurtful because on some subconscious level it felt like some small measure of control. And yeah, afterward our small group was never the same.
All of us managed to get through it and grow into better people. It was a pretty self-destructive time for me and I had more major f!ck-ups to come. Sweet Jesus, I loathed myself.
I hope things work out better for you and those who were hurt. Bruised relationships will heal, even if they're tender for a while. Broken relationships are harder, but sometimes we can make kintsugi out of them.
no, see, this is different, because you're a lovely and complex and nuanced person and I'm an emotionally murderous narcissistic gargoyle who doesn't do anything but hurt people and set people up to be hurt later
or my brain is trying to kill me out of spite
kind of a tossup really
I don't think the relationship grows back from this. trying to cohabitate with my ex was always this stupid cruel arrogant thing that may have destroyed us both and put us both in danger
Oh she did tell me she was going to be struggling not to self harm because of what I did and it's occurring to me now that that's actually not an okay thing to tell someone
a big big part of my brain would really like a "she's a bad person" narrative and I'm never gonna get there, but there is a twisted comfort in realizing that at least there's one low I didn't stoop to that she did
you know, so you know my priorities are straight
I'm still probably a bad person but I'm hopefully entering the "bad person who convinced herself some other people are worse" phase.
I'll be very embarrassed about this tomorrow, I hope, and have one more round of apologies and I'll also be able to thank people. but I'm feeling tired enough to sleep.
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You too are a lovely and complex person, that other description you just gave yourself is how you feel - but it isn’t who you are
It may be hard to strip away the recriminations and the guilt and the feels around you right now. But they’re just the muck you crawled through in this moment, they don’t define you.
The muck comes off.
You’re under all of that. You can find yourself in the moment, the real you, don’t stop looking for her.
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no, see, this is different, because you're a lovely and complex and nuanced person and I'm an emotionally murderous narcissistic gargoyle who doesn't do anything but hurt people and set people up to be hurt later
You're operating under the mistaken belief that I'm not an emotionally murderous narcissistic gargoyle. I just keep my social circle very small and tightly controlled.
or my brain is trying to kill me out of spite
My brain (or that little yet-undiscovered stegosaurus walnut brain probably at my tailbone) has been physically trying to get me killed most of my life. My only balm is knowing that when my malevolent discoordination finally offs me, the circumstances will be so stupendously bizarre that I'll get a Guinness Record out of it.
I don't think the relationship grows back from this. trying to cohabitate with my ex was always this stupid cruel arrogant thing that may have destroyed us both and put us both in danger
Sometimes the most important lessons we have to learn are the most difficult and painful to learn. (Ugh, that sounds trite.)
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Hey you two are sweet and caring people
Ambrosia, you in particular, please be nice to yourself as best you can. i know sometimes that feels like a not great take but it's important to me and as tonight's Saddest Poster I demand this tribute
you both helped me and I don't know how to thank you
I keep thinking this mood swing happened fast and then I realize it's been eighty minutes and honestly? that's a pretty drawn out spiral by my standards
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[MUCH RAMBLING DELETED]
I hope you can get some recuperative sleep, KC, and that when you awaken you'll feel better about yourself (and her).
If you feel ready for sleep, I hope it’s an easy and restful sleep. I hope the morning brings some clarity and some ease.
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I missed the rambling but Ambrosia fwiw if you ever want to ramble I'm always going to be happy to listen <3
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Well, I'm glad you aren't going to kill yourself, that would suck!
Anyway, I'm not religious but grew up Quaker and they're pretty chill, so if you're feeling religious guilt or what have you they have a pretty supportive network so they are worth a try.
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As a Catholic atheist, we are now sworn enemies.
That's how this works right? I haven't looked at scripture and doctrine in decades.
I could TOTALLY see TOZ strap into armor, sheathed and equip all his weapons, and get ready to wade into battle, stop at the last moment, and leaf through a tiny booklet to make sure he is in the right time/place/fighting the right enemy, discover he is wrong, and then sigh and take the bus home, still girded for battle.
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I could TOTALLY see TOZ strap into armor, sheathed and equip all his weapons, and get ready to wade into battle, stop at the last moment, and leaf through a tiny booklet to make sure he is in the right time/place/fighting the right enemy, discover he is wrong, and then sigh and take the bus home, still girded for battle.As a Catholic atheist, we are now sworn enemies.
That's how this works right? I haven't looked at scripture and doctrine in decades.
Speaking of armor, I'm now putting on my twenty pounds of winter gear so I can go to work and carry 3 boulders into a backyard and then cut some marble slabs.
Because that's how dwarves do winter.
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No big ramble or what not from me here KC, a simple, take care of yourself and be forgiving of yourself. I hope you are in a better place mentally and emotionally at the moment.
Hope you got a good night's sleep, KC, and that you're feeling better, or at least feeling less terrible.
I hope you feel better soon, KC.
So, my big beef with Pathfinder 2E, from a glance? Ability score generation.
To me, the idea of having a small number of core abilities that give you a quick, simple run-down of the character's talents is an intrinsic good thing. A lot of tabletop RPGs (and video game RPGs!) do it, because especially if character generation is meant to be a fun element of the game, getting to have a short list of numbers that define your unique knacks and disknacks is, well, handy! And evocative! It immediately gets an idea of the character across. Pathfinder/D&D, Storyteller, Burning Wheel, Paranoia, Fallout: NV--honestly, it's maybe one of the most commonly taken for-granted RPG tropes in the whole medium, right after "you roll dice, high is good" and "each person is responsible for one character except the referee".
So, choosing to break from that mold is fine. Lots of great games do it, especially games where character creation isn't the main point or where the numbers aren't a huge part of things. But... half breaking from the mold? That bugs me.
As far as I can tell--and I'm still new to this system--PF2E makes it so that there is no option for point buy or dice. In theory, this is supposed to address "game balance" problems. But does it? Ability score differences were always a bigger psychological problem than a real game balance issue. A +5% one way or the other doesn't really matter outside of theorycrafting. Sure, playing a barbarian and dumping Con sucks, but aren't there other ways to stop players from doing that? 3.5 had a nice little "ability score" guide for players for each class.
If the point is that players don't need to deal with even a slight learning curve, that's great, only... having a simple sheet of six stats that defined the character was kind of useful for new players. It's one of the few relics of old D&D's system that has stuck around, because it's intuitive. Not least because it matches how a ton of other RPGs and video games do it nowadays! "Okay, so I want my character to be strong and tough, but maybe he can be kind of dumb and unlikable." It was a great prompt for character-building. By eliminating traditional ability score generation, it feels like we've kind of lost one of the biggest advantages of having ability scores at all.
It sort of feels like they tried to make the game easier for new players by applying the logic of theorycrafters who fret over suboptimal ability score generation. It's teaching down and up at the same time, and I feel like it doesn't accomplish anything as a result.
I dunno. I don't like it. I like getting to assign points, and I sure liked having the option. It feels like throwing the bath out with the baby out with the bathwater. I hope if there's a Pathfinder 2.0 Unchained, the first thing they offer is some alternative ability score generation options. :(
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although I suspect a lot of people just end up with a background that matches the scores they want, and then ignore it.
Yeah, I don't love that. Just let me buy points! If you have to, put in a bunch of weird "you can't go above 16 in two abilities" rules or whatever, I don't care. There's lots of clever workarounds other than just basically eliminating ability score generation as we know it.
The other thing is that in PF2 that 5% makes a *big* difference, because the math is tighter, and there are fewer ways of gaining a +1 to a roll.
That's fair!
*painfully suppressing twenty paragraphs of venting about PF2E still using a d20 because honestly it's off-topic*
I get exactly what you are going for with stats there KC. I agree as well. One of the most fun things I ever did was create Blix the Spindly, a goblin wizard with a Str of 5, his high Int and terrible Str really helped define him as a character. Plus I couldn't very well call myself "the Spindly" with a reasonable Str now could I. Sticking with PF 1st Ed. indeed.