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I do not.To clarify, the name "June Cleaver" is taken.
June Cleaver herself is very much available, if you catch my meaning.
Hmmm...
Nope, nope. I don't get it either.
Get what?
It's funny; I can't say this was an especially bad day, but I can say I hated this day more intensely than any other day this past week. It was a sharp and serrated antipathy. Instead of doing any work, I spent the day paralyzed by a need for stimuli I couldn't satisfy--friends offline or occupied, partner distracted, and most unhealthily at all, the forums only scarcely active enough to keep me engaged. It had me right back in the "I am only a nuisance and should delete my account/flee to Canada before I waste anyone else's time" state of mind. The fact that I had work to do which I wasn't doing was only the cherry on top of it all.
Now it's bedtime. The deadline's past, I disappointed a casual friend, I obtained an insufficient number of Favorites to prove that my existence continues to have meaning and purpose*, and my job for tonight is to work on forgiving myself, because I'll probably screw up plenty tomorrow, too, and the difference between a good day and a bad day is whether I'm able to forgive myself for it.
I did better than I might have. At least I didn't get in a fight with the mods or deactivate my account or quit my PbPs or refund my commissioner or harass my friend into giving me spoons she couldn't spare. That's a lot of dumb mistakes to not make on a day when my brain was so determined to find a way to self-sabotage. :P
*You know, because that's the way it works. This one is a joke please don't favorite this post I'm fine
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That post reads pretty bummer, but it's not one to me. It's just sort of what happened and me working on processing, as always. I'm fine. Tomorrow will probably be better. :)
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I grade my life on my own curve, which works great for my actual curves and absolutely terribly for everything else .
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It's funny; I can't say this was an especially bad day, but I can say I hated this day more intensely than any other day this past week. It was a sharp and serrated antipathy. Instead of doing any work, I spent the day paralyzed by a need for stimuli I couldn't satisfy--friends offline or occupied, partner distracted, and most unhealthily at all, the forums only scarcely active enough to keep me engaged. It had me right back in the "I am only a nuisance and should delete my account/flee to Canada before I waste anyone else's time" state of mind. The fact that I had work to do which I wasn't doing was only the cherry on top of it all.
Now it's bedtime. The deadline's past, I disappointed a casual friend, I obtained an insufficient number of Favorites to prove that my existence continues to have meaning and purpose*, and my job for tonight is to work on forgiving myself, because I'll probably screw up plenty tomorrow, too, and the difference between a good day and a bad day is whether I'm able to forgive myself for it.
I did better than I might have. At least I didn't get in a fight with the mods or deactivate my account or quit my PbPs or refund my commissioner or harass my friend into giving me spoons she couldn't spare. That's a lot of dumb mistakes to not make on a day when my brain was so determined to find a way to self-sabotage. :P
*You know, because that's the way it works. This one is a joke please don't favorite this post I'm fine
But like, I wanted to favourite the post based on the stuff unrelated to the not having enough favourites thing.
I think you are pretty great and you I think you being on these forums makes them a better place to be. You and a handful of other users are what has kept me from bailing from these forums.
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This is ringing in my head basically 24/7 these days.
Thanks, TT. That means a lot and is very kind of you to say. I've really appreciated your contributions to these threads as well. <3
edit: oh umm that link has cussin btw
This is ringing in my head basically 24/7 these days.
Thanks, TT. That means a lot and is very kind of you to say. I've really appreciated your contributions to these threads as well. <3
Aaaww thanks :) And that image is so relatable, I am tired literally 100% of the time and cannot remember a time when I wasn't tired.
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Reminding myself that I am trying my best, I work very hard, and someone needs to give this kobold a break is basically the one thing keeping me functioning some days. Cookies wouldn't hurt, though.
I grade my life on my own curve, which works great for my actual curves and absolutely terribly for everything else .
Wow, captain yesterday, do I ruin your fantastic jokes by deleting my posts contextualizing them?
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I grade my life on my own curve, which works great for my actual curves and absolutely terribly for everything else .Wow, captain yesterday, do I ruin your fantastic jokes by deleting my posts contextualizing them?
I fell asleep after work, and then woke up at 1 AM, and then after I posted I realized after a bit it didn't work (it sounded less cheesey in my head) so I deleted it before going back to bed.
It was a weird night last night, admittedly because I was super exhausted from working 55 hours this week trying to keep up with my own b!&&@@+ schedule I established for myself at the beginning of the week.
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Oh, hey, the blatant troll finally posted on a non-argument-related thread... and it's a spammer thread. That's pretty funny.
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Okay, unseemly vent time (you know, for a change of pace): I'm actually really close to done with this. I've emailed the mods, I've flagged his posts, I've tried not to engage, and he's still here, every f#&&ing day. I'm actually starting to wonder what the hell is going on. This isn't a gray area. It's not even close. Every interaction he's gotten into has been moderated because of his behavior. He's toxic everywhere he goes. He created an account just to argue and got into trouble on his first and second posts. He's crossed lines beyond anything I've seen in a long time on these forums--he linked an article he transparently wrote himself calling for the doxing and harassment of four community members! Does Paizo not have a probation system? A temporary mute? Did the banhammer fall between the couch cushions? Is there nothing? Or is the team still not sure he's not a good community member?
EDIT: Oh, and let's not forget, all he does is drop incendiary comments and then ignore all the replies. You know. Like a troll does. I am so confused and actively disturbed to keep seeing him around every morning. I want to give everybody a chance, but I can't ignore this. What kind of forum is this place going to become post-Sara Marie?
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Urrgh. Getting crabby about it openly doesn't really help, so I may go back and delete some remarks on the other threads. Honestly, I wish there was a Discord server for all this controversy right now. Just an echo chamber to complain in, not a debate Discord server, gosh forbid. It would help to have a place to vent to people where I'm not technically constantly stepping on community guidelines.
Urrgh. Getting crabby about it openly doesn't really help, so I may go back and delete some remarks on the other threads. Honestly, I wish there was a Discord server for all this controversy right now. Just an echo chamber to complain in, not a debate Discord server, gosh forbid. It would help to have a place to vent to people where I'm not technically constantly stepping on community guidelines.
Diswhat?
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Okay, so you might to sit down. So a few years ago, some government spooks worked out this crazy thing called "Arpanet"...
:P
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I was thinking a lot yesterday about a discord server for lgbt gamers.
Okay, so you might to sit down. So a few years ago, some government spooks worked out this crazy thing called "Arpanet"...
:P
So, it's a Terminator then? Does Skynet know?!
Was Dark Fate right?!!
Has someone warned John Connor?!!!
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I was thinking a lot yesterday about a discord server for lgbt gamers.
Even just a temporary one for this whole thing would be nice, honestly.
Honestly, I wish there was a Discord server for all this controversy right now. Just an echo chamber to complain in, not a debate Discord server, gosh forbid. It would help to have a place to vent to people where I'm not technically constantly stepping on community guidelines.
Be the change you want to be KC. :D
Make that discord server, invite some people and complain together in glorious empathy. I'll join.
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I was thinking a lot yesterday about a discord server for lgbt gamers.
I know a good one. If you want an invite, let me know.
It is not really about the Paizo controversies. I mean, that was a discussion for 3 or 4 days and then the server got back to its usual gaming and homebrewing and sharing art.
The invite has been shared before on the LGBT community thread, but I can send a PM to anyone looking for it. The person who runs the server comes through the messageboards occasionally, and it is a chill supportive place.
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Honestly, for now, I kind of just want a small, probably short-term space where I can look at other queer people, gesture to the latest incident on the controversy threads, and say "what the f*+& is going on here??" without having to explain what it is to them. So if anyone thinks that sounds kind of cathartic, I guess DM me?
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There's something that really messes with me about being "forced" into an argument I didn't want, and this was, like, three in one day. It's not even noon and I'm stressed and cross and upset.
Engaging is my choice, and sometimes I'm able to just end the argument prematurely and get out. When I'm not, it is like stuffing a hornet nest into my own skull. I just really wish it hadn't happened this morning. I really needed to get work done. It's never a good sign when I'm losing faith in the day before it's noon.
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"On the verge of leaving a Discord server over a few civil arguments" is a good sort of indicator of why I panic-RSD'd out of the only PbP I've signed up for in years.
Honestly, for now, I kind of just want a small, probably short-term space where I can look at other queer people, gesture to the latest incident on the controversy threads, and say "what the f@** is going on here??" without having to explain what it is to them. So if anyone thinks that sounds kind of cathartic, I guess DM me?
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I'm not looking for advice or reassurance, exactly. I just need to be heard somewhere. I feel hopeless and tired and, today, mired in thoughts I've never felt this strongly before. I desperately don't want to outlive all the goodwill people have for me, but every day that goodwill ebbs a little more in someone.
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You’ve been so active on the forefront of the heavy conversation, but don’t continue to be front and center at the expense of your own well being. I’ve no doubt that the constant push and pull of those threads is taking a toll and wearing at you.
Throttle back, take a few days and recharge a bit, find a fun thread to faff about in. Try to get in touch with what you enjoy about this community for a bit.
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I've been doing that lately. I'm just tired and very prone to these little breakdowns nowadays, due to a lot of factors. Today was a little worse than usual because I found out a lot of my patrons dropped support and it reminded me I haven't been updating regularly (in the professional, once-a-week-on-time sense) in over a year. I'm normally better at checking myself.
I've also been really bad about taking my meds regularly, which, well, you aren't supposed to go in and out with hormones. I got a nearly week-late jab thirty minutes ago, so hopefully things stabilize again soon.
I'm really tired of being the only income for three people, though. At the risk of whinging, there's a lot on me that I don't feel a lot of control over.
** spoiler omitted **
You should get a sun lamp, it made All the difference for my wife and they're not expensive.
I myself was pretty dubious but I tried it out last fall when the seasonal depression hit me and it f&%~ing worked!
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I've been doing that lately. I'm just tired and very prone to these little breakdowns nowadays, due to a lot of factors. Today was a little worse than usual because I found out a lot of my patrons dropped support and it reminded me I haven't been updating regularly (in the professional, once-a-week-on-time sense) in over a year. I'm normally better at checking myself.
I've also been really bad about taking my meds regularly, which, well, you aren't supposed to go in and out with hormones. I got a nearly week-late jab thirty minutes ago, so hopefully things stabilize again soon.
I'm really tired of being the only income for three people, though. At the risk of whinging, there's a lot on me that I don't feel a lot of control over.
Oh man. That is a whole lot to deal with. I hope you find yourself in a place where you can take a break soon, but I also understand if you can't quite do that right now. Please be as gentle with yourself as you are firm with others, at least so far as your borders are concerned. And yes, the sun lamp is a good idea. As are waffles.
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Thanks, all. I don't know if it's SAD, but, I mean, it's Oregon. Plus, even if I don't have SAD, having been raised by someone who did basically trains my associations anyways.
I've woken up pretty refreshed, as to I often do. The goal is to get settled into something more resembling a healthy routine again. It's funny--the one thing I'm consistently good at lately is my sleep schedule. It didn't used to be like that.
Also, gosh, I miss character creation and stuff. I haven't done any playing since the ill-fated Kingmaker game. I want to try playing a catgirl sometime, since cringe culture is dead anyways*. I don't have any plans for finding a game (and the way I handled my last PbP may come back to haunt me if I start applying), but it's food for thought.
I need to get a handle on my workflow again. That's not a perfect solution, but it's a start.
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And yes, the sun lamp is a good idea. As are waffles.
*begins sobbing* But Doctor, I am [the one who knows how to make waffles]!
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You're seriously the only one with a meaningful income at this point?
I cannot imagine the stress that must put on you, criminy. I'm not going to pretend to know anything about the situation but if possible they might want to look into SSD coverage, lots of people are extremely intimidated by doing the paperwork and jumping through all those hoops but I can proudly say that my pushing friends and family to do so over the last three or so years has led to four of my friends and loved ones no longer needing to sweat about ending up homeless or without health insurance.
It's probably something you've already considered but if not, it's worth researching, especially since if one of them does qualify yourself or the third may be able to apply for and get paid to be a part to full-time caretaker. My very first ever GM and one of my oldest friends can no longer work due to mental and physical health issues and now has both SSD and a family member that is paid to help him around the house.
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If it helps I've already given the crew assigned to me the "Get over it or go home" speech.
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You have to have worked before, and recently, to get SSD. I know that because my mother, who's chronically depressed, couldn't get it because she was a full-time homemaker and parent for years.
My ex was on unemployment, but that ran dry a couple months ago. Now she's looking for work, but there aren't a lot of jobs available that aren't awful, and she's set limits on what kinds of jobs she'll consider.
My girlfriend is effectively agoraphobic. She has extremely marketable skills in cybersecurity, but I guess those kinds of jobs are hard to find on Craigslist or without references or something.
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I have mild claustrophobia, which is why I work outside.
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Is there a 'people claustrophobia'?
Because I'm *really* feeling it lately.
I'm pretty sure that's just claustrophobic.
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I'm pretty sure that's just claustrophobic.
Is there a 'people claustrophobia'?Because I'm *really* feeling it lately.
There may be some overlap, and some people likely have both, but I'd say they're separate. I'm not claustrophobic at all (insert "in the closet" joke here), which is why it was me and not Dad or my sis who had to do the rehab stuff in attics and under-house crawlspaces. I am massively crowdphobic through; going anywhere in public is noticeably high-anxiety uncomfortable on even regular weekdays days during non-busy hours, especially now that I'm completely non-medicated (not by choice).
However, separate from crowdphobia, I have noticed my rising levels of strongly disliking people -- both from the existing working models and as a general concept. I don't like this line of thinking and try to squish it down deep, but there are many days when I can't spare the energy to do so.
(As I've joked before, I keep hoping my resting-b!tch-face finally origin stories into a full-on superpower like Ghost Rider's penance stare.)
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Yeah, strictly speaking, my girlfriend isn't agoraphobic, she's debilitatingly anxious around people she doesn't know or crowds. When she first moved here, she didn't even like going to the mailbox without me.
I guess I'm more crowd and winter phobic, as I have no problem going into attics and crawlspaces (as that was also my job, and in fact still is) and I was the king of hide and seek. But I don't like crowds, or even large gatherings and after a few days of being inside I get grumpy and feel like the walls are closing in unless I do something.
I'm pretty sure that's just claustrophobic.
Is there a 'people claustrophobia'?Because I'm *really* feeling it lately.
There may be some overlap, and some people likely have both, but I'd say they're separate. I'm not claustrophobic at all (insert "in the closet" joke here), which is why it was me and not Dad or my sis who had to do the rehab stuff in attics and under-house crawlspaces. I am massively crowdphobic through; going anywhere in public is noticeably high-anxiety uncomfortable on even regular weekdays days during non-busy hours, especially now that I'm completely non-medicated (not by choice).
However, separate from crowdphobia, I have noticed my rising levels of strongly disliking people -- both from the existing working models and as a general concept. I don't like this line of thinking and try to squish it down deep, but there are many days when I can't spare the energy to do so.
(As I've joked before, I keep hoping my resting-b!tch-face finally origin stories into a full-on superpower like Ghost Rider's penance stare.)
But then how will you visit me in New York?
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Funny; usually my days start okay and end bad. This one started rocky but ended okay. I got in two upsetting arguments with my roommate, but she apologized for both of them. I'm usually in the wrong on these, so that was nice. I often refer to her as "my ex", but we're actually very close friends, too. Just the kind of friends that fight a lot sometimes. :P
I'm working on rebounding from yesterday. I'm excited for NaNoWriMo and eager to get ahead on work and back rolling on PbPs so November can be smoother than the fiasco of 2019.
My other girlfriend, an inhabitant of Bellevue, may be coming down to visit in a few weeks. Very exciting! Very busy month.
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Hey, a good day! Some rocky points, but nothing lasting. Keeping moving usually helps (probably why I'm so bad at taking breaks). We cleaned up a big portion of the apartment and made $6.90 in year-old cans and bottles.
I need to reestablish a routine, but I know any good routine won't last if I can't forgive slip-ups. For now, I'm vibing.
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Today was alright, too! Everything's all tidy now, which is sick. Being a natural optimist, I give it two weeks. James Jacobs specifically publicly called me out today to tell me I was doing okay at posting, and a bunch of people Favorited the post, which is, you know, overwhelming, but means a lot.
I'm going to try to get back to work soon. Maybe not tomorrow. I'm in a safe spot with commissions, so there's no short-term pressure, but the pressure will start building soon if I leave it untouched for too long. I think I need the forum games resumed first, though, or they'll just keep hanging over me.
Sidenote: The annoying thing about Bo Burnham's "All Eyes On Me" is that literally everyone I've heard from was deeply emotionally affected by it, but literally every person took it in a completely different way. It's very hard to talk about as a result. Rorschach-ass song.
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Today was alright, too! Everything's all tidy now, which is sick. Being a natural optimist, I give it two weeks. James Jacobs specifically publicly called me out today to tell me I was doing okay at posting, and a bunch of people Favorited the post, which is, you know, overwhelming, but means a lot.
I'm going to try to get back to work soon. Maybe not tomorrow. I'm in a safe spot with commissions, so there's no short-term pressure, but the pressure will start building soon if I leave it untouched for too long. I think I need the forum games resumed first, though, or they'll just keep hanging over me.
Sidenote: The annoying thing about Bo Burnham's "All Eyes On Me" is that literally everyone I've heard from was deeply emotionally affected by it, but literally every person took it in a completely different way. It's very hard to talk about as a result. Rorschach-ass song.
That entire special is a master class on layered meanings.
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I sincerely think you are wonderful and articulate and very capable.
I recently watched all of Bo Burnham's netflix specials. I normally hate stand-up comedy (it usually feels way to awkward and forced, and most of the humour I have seen in stand up has relied on being offensive and punching down), but I really like Bo Burnham. His stuff is insightful and self aware and confronting and for the most part doesn't punch down. I think the alternating musical/conversational nature of it helps me to feel less awkward about it than the usual "I stand here and tell jokes and then you laugh" format.
It will be a while before I can really put into words how I feel about most of the content of Inside though, especially that song - but I think that reflects well on the material.
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I'm doing my tidying up today so I can play Far Cry 6 guilt free.