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Belt of Uncanny Movement:
Hey Brigg!
I agree with Petty, it's probably best to avoid the odd numbers.
"Three times per day, the belt can be activated as an immediate action to double the enhancement bonus provided by the belt for 2 rounds."
This is an awkward sentence. Maybe break it into two sentences? As is it's a little hard to parse.
The flavor text is good, but a little brief. I think you could expand on it into another sentence or two and really sell the item.
Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
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This is why I love this community: Honest and constructive feedback! ^.^
Revision 1: 159 words.
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Belt of Uncanny Movement
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot belt; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This lightweight, auburn belt is made of tiny, interwoven strips of leather mixed with feathers of various size and plumage, and the buckle sports an embossed image of a dashing rabbit. The belt grants the wearer a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity and a +10 enhancement bonus to his base speed. These bonuses are treated as temporary ability bonuses for the first 24 hours the belt is worn.
The belt can be activated as an immediate action to double the enhancement bonuses provided by it. During this time, the wearer also gains evasion, as the rogue class feature. If the wearer already possesses the evasion ability, the belt provides improved evasion instead. This effect can be used up to 10 rounds per day. The rounds need not be consecutive.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace, expeditious retreat; Cost 3,750 gp
Damn you Brig! You put up your revised version, just as I was about to feedback your first one. :P
Oh well, here is the feedback on the 2nd version instead. :)
I like this one a LOT better than the first one. - Static (and useful) dexterity bonus is much better than the +1/+3 (as odd stats might not always be useful).
I also like the access to the evasion feature. That is very nice.
I like the effect, though it's quite powerful that it's not consecutive. - If anything, I'd probably remove the double enchancement bonus, to tone that part down a bit. That way it's not +4 Dex (and the attendant bonuses) and the evasion as needed. (After all, in principle they could use it 10 times in a day, and the evasion feature is more than powerful enough for that, on saves).
Price - Yeah, that is something I'd pay for it as a player and as a GM/Designer I don't think it's badly priced.
Only minor niggle is the weight: Normally belts weigh 1 lb.
I could see myself voting for this one. :)
Hi Brigg, overall, I like the concept, and the direction you've taken with making a belt-slot item that combines an ability bonus with additional powers. Often, items in the belt and headband slots get passed over by players/characters, because it's hard to give up the ability boost.
Here's some things that jumped out at me, in no particular order:
Visuals: Pretty good. The description is evocative, but I'd like the sentence better if it were pared down a little—there's a few too many adjectives and commas for my taste.
"+10 enhancement bonus to his base speed": I didn't fully research this, but I suspect that increases to speed are more typically written like, "...increases (the wearer's/its wearer's/your) base speed by x feet" or "(the wearer's/your) base speed increases by x feet". I don't recall seeing "+X bonus to base speed", and suggest searching around a bit for the typical language (see this).
This sentence: "The belt can be activated as an immediate action to double the enhancement bonuses provided by it." – reads a little awkward to me. Also, activating it as an immediate action doesn't seem quite in line with the typical activation methods (use, spell completion, command, etc). There are exceptions to this, such as boots of speed (free action, clicking heels), but I'm left wondering, how do you actually activate the belt? I get that it helps the evasion aspect, but I'm not sold on "can be activated as an immediate action".
Evasion: As a player, this sounds great, but I'm skeptical about it for 2 reasons. One, it seems too good for the price, since it's virtually constant evasion, given the immediate activation and 10 rounds per day. Two, I'd generally avoid granting class features with an item, as it kind of steps on the toes of those classes. There's an RPGSS advice thread by SKR on the boards here that suggests the same, but I don't have the link handy right now (maybe someone can link that?)
Finally, this is a very small item, but the "uncanny" in the name makes me think of "uncanny dodge".
edit: spoiler tag removed (it wasn't working as I expected, and I had to run off to work)
I've got the same (or similar) quibbles as Joe regarding the Evasion. 10/day on-demand Evasion is effectively constant Evasion. Likewise robbing class features is something I'd be cautious of.
On the other hand, it is badass.
I'd think it more balanced if Evasion is a separate immediate action which costs 5 rounds. Or come up with a new ability to represent uncanny movement.
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Wow, yeah, when you guys put it like that, the whole evasion thing is a little bananas. And yes, I failed to remember the avoid the "Class feature in a can" thing.
I know the exact list you're talking about, Joe.
Anyway! Revision 3! 164 words! I looked at other instances of "+x enhancement bonus to speed." to see that it doesn't use the word "base", so I took that out, among the other edits. ^.^
Belt of Uncanny Movement
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot belt; Price 9,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This auburn belt is made of interwoven strips of leather mixed with feathers of various size and plumage with the buckle sporting an embossed image of a dashing rabbit. The belt grants the wearer a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity and a +10 enhancement bonus to speed. These bonuses are treated as temporary ability bonuses for the first 24 hours the belt is worn.
Twice per day, as a move action, the wearer can grip the buckle and activate the magic within it. This increases the provided Dexterity bonus to +4 and the speed bonus to +30. This effect lasts for 5 rounds. During that time, the wearer can end this effect as an immediate action to automatically succeed a single Reflex save. He must decide to use this before attempting the saving throw.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace, expeditious retreat; Cost 4,750 gp
Belt of Uncanny Movement
Hi Brigg, I do like the mechanics better now...but, are you married to the move action? What about simply "on command"? Also, what do you think about combining the 1st three sentences in the 2nd paragraph into one smoother sentence?
I think I agree with Belabras that a re-roll might be better, but I don't feel too strongly about that. If you keep it as automatic, you're missing a word in there: "succeed at (or on) a single...".
Going back to the increased speed, I still prefer it as an increase to speed rather than a bonus. Flip through these results and these results. At a minimum, I think you should include "feet" in there somewhere. It looks like your language matches a dervish dancer's (bard) fleet ability (minus the the "land" part), and bonuses are used in some cases, so it's not wrong, but something just seems off about it to me.
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Belt of Uncanny MovementHi Brigg, I do like the mechanics better now...but, are you married to the move action? What about simply "on command"? Also, what do you think about combining the 1st three sentences in the 2nd paragraph into one smoother sentence?
I think I agree with Belabras that a re-roll might be better, but I don't feel too strongly about that. If you keep it as automatic, you're missing a word in there: "succeed at (or on) a single...".
Going back to the increased speed, I still prefer it as an increase to speed rather than a bonus. Flip through these results and these results. At a minimum, I think you should include "feet" in there somewhere. It looks like your language matches a dervish dancer's (bard) fleet ability (minus the the "land" part), and bonuses are used in some cases, so it's not wrong, but something just seems off about it to me.
The reason I'm attached to the idea of a move action instead of "On Command" is because "On command" implies a command word, thus making it a standard action to activate. From my experience (based on games I've played with others) is that people love to use standard actions to do things that they would perceive as "more useful" (Like attacking, casting a spell, etc). If I made it a command/standard action, I can already picture half the people I play with reading the item and saying "But it's a standard action! Downvote!" against anything that provides a perceived "Better action economy".
Additionally, gripping your belt buckle is just a simple movement of the arm. So thematically, it's the speed of a move action or swift action.
I definitely concede to allowing it to be a reroll, though. ^.^
Revision 4, 155 words!
Belt of Uncanny Movement
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot belt; Price 9,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This auburn belt is made of interwoven strips of leather mixed with feathers of various size and plumage with the buckle sporting an embossed image of a dashing rabbit. The belt increases the wearer’s speed by +10 feet and grants him a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity. This bonus is treated as temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hours the belt is worn.
Twice per day, as a move action, the wearer can grip the buckle and activate the magic within it. This increases the provided Dexterity bonus to +4 and the provided speed increase to +30 feet. This effect lasts for 5 rounds. During that time, the wearer can end this effect as an immediate action to reroll a single failed Reflex save.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace, expeditious retreat; Cost 4,750 gp
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Brigg, I really like this latest revision. It's lookin really good!
At this point, it seems done or nearly done. If it were mine, I might boost the price very slightly, but pricing is kind of an art, and subjective, so I may be off base—it's priced within reason.
Your point about the move action and action economy seems well thought out, especially since the contest is now votes-only. For interest only (not arguing for or against), I found this old thread that talks about magic item action economy. Seems like you've got a good handle on it.
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I'm glad to hear the feedback for the Belt of Uncanny Movement. It's definitely making me feel better about the self-imposed 200-word limit.
For anyone who has seen and/or critiqued the living copperthread net or the cyclonic darkleaf, you'd be able to clearly see how much I wanted my item to stand out above the rest, but wound up burying it in excessive rules text (especially the darkleaf).
Thanks a lot gang, and if there's no other comments for this one, I'll move onto the next one possibly tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing the next one. I too really like the last version. :)
Here is my first submission to the thread. I went with the Carnival harrow card suggestion for an illusion-based item.
Shield of Gruesome Visions
Aura Faint Illusion; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 2250 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
This austere +1 heavy steel shield has no adornment or decoration, but is covered with faint blood stains that seem to change position when no one is watching.
Three times per day, the bearer can activate the shield against a single opponent whom he or she currently threatens with a melee weapon. The bloodstains on the front of the shield coalesce into a scene of the bearer brutally killing the target. The effect is so disturbing that the target must make a DC 16 will save or be frightened for 1d4 rounds. The target must be able to see the shield for the effect to work, and a target who makes the will save is immune to the shield's effect for 24 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, cause fear, silent image; Cost 1125 gp
First impression:
It's a magic shield that casts cause fear, literally.
It's a SIAC I'm afraid. It literally casts the spell on the opponent, for the same effect, that alone is likely to get it rejected by voters.
Second impressions, after a re-read and nitpicking:
Auras are not capitalized, so it should be "faint illusion".
The commas are missing from the price, ie. 2,250 gp and 1,125 gp.
The description is nice though. I really like the idea of bloodstains that can't be washed off, and that move around. (Though you need to change it slightly as you left in a space in "faint blood stains").
Further, you might want to tidy it up a bit with the description. Your description can be boiled down to "This unadorned +1 heavy steel shield is covered with faint bloodstains that change position when no one is watching." - Otherwise you run into another pet peeve of many voters, the "it's a normal X, buuuut".
The final thing is the save DC for this. It's a level 1 spell normal, so this would be the equivalent of someone with a +5 modifier casting it. That seems like a high DC for someone of the level who's likely to buy the shield. At the price you have it, I'd guess that it's someone at level 4 who'd buy it (going by Wealth by Level they'd have something like 6,000 gp to work with), and a CR 4 monster, to give a comparison, has a save DC 15 for it's primary ability and 10 for a secondary one.
As such I'd probably reduce the DC to a 15, if not a bit further.
Spoilered so everyone else can give their own independent impressions if they wish. - Hope it's of help. :)
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I'm going to take Kim up on the "Spoiler tags for independent impressions. So if I repeat anything, my bad, ^.^
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1. Capitalized aura. (Should read "faint illusion")
2. Need commas in your pricing.
3. The comma between "cause fear, and silent image in your construction requirements should not be italicized. And yes, template-savvy people WILL notice that.
4. "Will" in "Will save" should be capitalized.
5. +1 heavy steel shield should be italicized.
For the non-template things:
1. A classic case of "It looks like a normal thing, except (this)". The visual is great, though, of the bloodstains changing positions and stuff. But, you have some extra words to work with, so make the shield interesting by making it not "look like a normal shield".
2. Something about that save DC seems off. With both cause fear and silent image being level 1 spells, the DC for this should be 11. (Using most other magic items that utilize level 1 spells as an example. Sleep arrows, anyone?)
3. Speaking of cause fear, that appears to be all this shield does; a shield-shaped can containing cause fear. Spice it up a little bit. Do something to make this stand out.
Suggestion: Since the frightening image is ON the shield, allow the bearer a free bull rush or shield bash attempt using the shield if the target fails the Will save. Then, if the target is successfully struck with the free attack, their frightened condition upgrades to panicked.
Rewording/Game Language Suggestions
1. "...against a single opponent whom he or she currently threatens with a melee weapon..." -> "...against a single adjacent target she is threatening..."
(By denoting the target must be adjacent, you won't need to specify that they need to be threatening with a melee weapon. It saves on words, and makes it sound a little less clunky)
(Also, with all due respect, this isn't "Magic: the Gathering". The phrase "He or she" is never (or almost-never) used in Pathfinder rules text. Choose one or the other.)
2. "... the shield for the effect to work, and a target who makes the will save is..." -> "...the shield to be affected. A target succeeding its Will save against this effect becomes..."
That's all I have for now. Have to get to work. ^.^
Thanks, Kim and Brigg. Those are really helpful and detailed comments!
I will work on a revised version, but probably not until the weekend.
DC for this should be 11
Good catch Brigg. I'd forgotten about this.
To quote the specific rule on save DCs for items casting them, just for your ease-of-reference Kate, this is what you're looking for:
"Magic items produce spells or spell-like effects. For a saving throw against a spell or spell-like effect from a magic item, the DC is 10 + the level of the spell or effect + the ability modifier of the minimum ability score needed to cast that level of spell."
I.E.
A level 1 spell from an item would have a DC 11 (10 + level 1 spell + 11 ability modifier of +0).
A level 2 spell from an item would have a DC 13 (10 + level 2 spell + 12 ability modifier of +1).
A level 3 spell from an item would have a DC 14 (10 + level 3 spell + 13 ability modifier of +1).
A level 4 spell from an item would have a DC 16 (10 + level 4 spell + 14 ability modifier of +2).
And so on.
EXCEPT, Staves:
"Staves are an exception to the rule. Treat the saving throw as if the wielder cast the spell, including caster level and all modifiers to save DCs.
But as we're not making staves, the last one can probably be safely ignored. :)
And just to make it even easier, here is the PRD link for it. :)
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Here are a few observations on the Shield of Gruesome Visions
As the others have said it is basically a spell-in-a-can (SIAC). Brigg had some great suggestions on how to give it some other, unique related effect. I think that is a great suggestion. Since the image is formed from the bloodstains on the shield, I would suggest considering adding a bleed effect somehow.
<nitpick mode>
Kim states that the shield "literally" casts cause fear on the target which is not technically true. The shield gives the frightened condition for 1d4 rounds which is, admittedly, the main effect of cause fear. However the other effects of cause fear would not happen 1) target would not be shaken for 1 round on a successful save, 2) could potentially affect a creature with >6 HD (not very likely since it would have to fail a DC 11 Will save), and 3) would not auto-counter a remove fear spell.
<nitpickmode>
I mention the above because I think it is important to consider that the item actually only does what it states in the description. Cause fear is a completely appropriate construction requirement, but having it there does not mean the item casts the spell. I guess this is more an observation on the feedback rather than directly on the item.
Standard wordings for saves include:
"... the target must succeed on a DC 11 Will save or ..."
or my personal preference:
"The target is frightened for 1d4 rounds. A DC 11 Will save negates the frightened effect."
I really liked the visual description of the shield. The bloodstains forming a horrific image is very clever. I look forward to seeing the revised version.
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Belt of Uncanny Movement
It looks like the earlier comments helped to streamline this considerably. Overall I think your final turnover is excellent. Just a couple more points that jumped out at me:
You can probably lose "him" from the second sentence. Paizo tries to avoid gendered pronouns as much as possible without garbling the sentence, and in this case I think "grants a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity" is fine. I'm not entirely sure you need the CL to be that high (even higher than a belt of incredible dexterity), since the highest required spell is 3rd level. Twice per day is a bit of an odd incidence (not unheard of, but odd), which may put off some voters used to the 1/day or 3/day standard.
I think it's a good idea to practice succinct entries. You'd be amazed how much farther your entry will go when unburdened by extra words.
Shield of Gruesome Visions
Most of my concerns have already been mentioned earlier. It looks like you've hit many common pitfalls of new designers, which is the best way to learn. If you haven't read SKR's guidelines for RPGSS design yet, I highly recommend looking through it at least once.
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SKR's guidelines for RPGSS design I highly recommend looking through it at least once.
Agreed. The first post in that thread is quite possibly the single most useful post in the entire RPGSS forum!!
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Well...let's try this....107 words.
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Corset of Girth and Grace
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot body; Price 14,400 gp; Weight 1lb.
Description
This flattering and resplendent corset sturdily girds the wearer’s body, promoting healthy posture and poise. It grants a +2 enhancement bonus to both the wearer’s Constitution and Charisma. Treat these as temporary ability bonuses for the first 24 hours the corset is worn.
Once per day, the wearer can tug at the corset’s strings while concentrating for 1 minute. Doing so heals 1d4 points of Constitution damage and 1d4 points of Charisma damage from the wearer.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bear’s endurance, eagle’s splendor, lesser restoration; Cost 7,200gp
EDIT: I'm itching to do something else with this, but I'm wondering if it really needs anything else, or am I just going to accidentally convolute the item? <.<
I'll do a proper review tomorrow Brigg, but first impression is this: What kind of action is tugging the strings? Move, standard, etc.?
Shield of Gruesome Visions
Hi Kate, I think the other commenters addressed most of what I might have said, but I'll weigh in on two other things.
One thing I would point out is that your description uses the passive voice ("is covered"). Sometimes, that's unavoidable, or even appropriate, but in this case, I think it would be better if it were more active. So, instead of saying the shield is covered, you might instead make the stains the main subject, and use a more active verb such as shift, drift, or flow. Purely as an example, it might be, "Faint blood stains slowly drift across the surface of this otherwise unremarkable +1 heavy steel shield."
The other thing I noticed was that "activate the shield" sounds kind of plain, and doesn't specify a method or action type. When it comes to item activation, there are standard activation types such as use-activated, command, and so on. If it were activated on command, I wonder if it could target opponents within X feet that can see it (increasing the price though). If it were use-activated, maybe the "use" could be making a successful shield bash attack, and then the effect would target only the creature bashed.
Corset of Girth and Grace
Hey Brigg, I like it. Seems pretty well written and solid overall. I'll point out two minor things.
One, though I happen to like utilitarian items myself (over more flashy effects), I think I'm a bit of an outlier in that sense. For the contest, I think a lot of voters want something more exciting, and this isn't really active or cinematic. Seems like a good, solid, book item.
And...space before "gp" in the cost.
PS - Kim, I think pulling the strings is something that requires concentration and takes the full minute, rather than being an "action". (like a spell with a casting time of 1 minute)
Good point Joe, I'd missed the 1 minute part, but as said I needed to reread it. :)
Here is the full review:
Corset of Girth and Grace
First off, I like the name, although I will admit to a certain childish giggle at the Girth part and the idea of a man wearing this.
Pricing is a bit higher than for the other +2/+2 items, but that's fine considering the oddity of the stats affected and the restoration effect.
The weight is right for a belt type, but I'm curious as to why you didn't go all the way and make it a closer to the weight of a leather armor (or even into a leather armor). Perhaps this is mostly an item for casters? I could see a sorcerer with it.
The restoration effect is nice, but while it's essentially casting the lesser restoration, I'd rather that the activation time was short enough to be useful in combat or even turned into the point where it allows you to ignore the first 4 points of ability damage to either stat (I've never been fond of the randomized effects).
It looks like you italicized the commas in the crafting requirements for the spell and as Joe pointed out, there's a space missing before gp.
All in all I like where this is heading, but I think it needs to be a little flashier or more reliable/faster for the restoration effect.
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Joe, you are correct about the "Action" of the activation.
As far as the time goes: The regular casting time of Lesser Restoration is 3 rounds. And since the tugging and concentrating essentially casts it twice, I decided to round up the required time to 1 minute. Now, I could scale it back to 30 seconds, but I think being able to heal up to 8 points of ability damage mid-combat is a little unbalancing. But that's only my perspective.
Now, the idea of creating an ability to shield the wearer from ability damage is definitely worthy of being a combat-speed action. I'll factor that into my revision.
Thanks guys. ^.^ I'll probably not be able to do a revision until Monday, though. u.u~~~
One other thing. And this is for up-and-comers to note: This item would definitely be "favored by bards". But I managed to show that in the descriptions and abilities without shoe-horning it in. Avoid at all costs to use the phrase "favored by...". Don't say it; show it.
Also, Kim...yeah. Girth...*snerk* >.>
I appreciate all the comments and the resources! I am still deep in the rabbit hole of reading all the linked threads, which I'd like to finish before posting a revision.
Just to give myself a public deadline, I'll have Version 2 up by next Sunday. Thanks, all!
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I double-checked for the comma italics to find that they were not really italicized. You can click "Reply" to the initial post an look at the bbCode tags in what would be the quoted text.
I wanted to try something else first before going down the "Prevent ability damage" avenue. So here's revision 1, 140 words.
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Corset of Girth and Grace
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot body; Price 14,400 gp; Weight 10 lb.
Description
This flattering and resplendent corset sturdily girds the wearer’s body, promoting healthy posture and poise. It grants a + 2 circumstance bonus to CMD against bull rush, drag, overrun, and trip combat maneuvers, as well as a +2 enhancement bonus to both the wearer’s Constitution and Charisma. Treat these as temporary ability bonuses for the first 24 hours the corset is worn.
Once per day, the wearer can tug at the corset’s strings while concentrating for 30 seconds. Doing so increases the provided bonus to CMD to +4 for 4 hours, and heals 1d4 points of Constitution damage and 1d4 points of Charisma damage from the wearer.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bear’s endurance, eagle’s splendor, lesser restoration; Cost 7,200 gp
Contributor
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Brigg, the writing and formatting looks really good, and I like it that you can get a slightly different effect 1/day.
That said, items that only give bonuses or duplicate spells are not recommended for RPGSS. Here's a useful litmus test for RPGSS magic items.
Does the magic item enable the user to do something that he cannot do with other player options (feats, spells, other magic items, etc.)?
If the answer is no, then the magic item almost certainly doesn't have a chance of making the top 32.
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Brigg, the writing and formatting looks really good, and I like it that you can get a slightly different effect 1/day.
That said, items that only give bonuses or duplicate spells are not recommended for RPGSS. Here's a useful litmus test for RPGSS magic items.
Does the magic item enable the user to do something that he cannot do with other player options (feats, spells, other magic items, etc.)?
If the answer is no, then the magic item almost certainly doesn't have a chance of making the top 32.
Oh, I totally agree with you. ^.^ These first couple of test items were supposed to get me into a flow of making an item in under 200 words. Now that I feel like I'm able to make things more concise, I can try to make something that looks more like an actual contest entry ^.^
Brigg, that looks like a rock solid basic magic item. Definitely book worthy somewhere.
Not necessarily top 32. Though you are mastering the skill of being concise. Which is important.
Your item is Concise and CLEAR. Which is the part I'm having the most trouble with.
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I like elegance and keeping word count down, but I've also heard it the other way.
That a word limit should also be treated as a word target, as that's the amount of space they want to fill on the page.
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That a word limit should also be treated as a word target, as that's the amount of space they want to fill on the page.
Hmm.....Never thought of it that way. <.< True, when the big boss needs space filled, you have to deliver. This might slightly change my approach to trying to make a new and unique item without overbearing rules text or convoluted abilities. And be more aware of text that can be cut.
Following Briggs example: I have a problem with CLARITY. I often come up with neat mechanics in my head, but translating them to paper is often a problem.
So: with the goal for getting better and clarifying the power, I offer you a practice item. Please, by all means, tear this a part this sacrifice and show me how I can be more clear in my writing:
North–Thorn
Aura Moderate Evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 2,235 gp; Weight —.
Description
A shard of wood that is cold to the touch, thin ice-blue kestrel tails of paint adorn flights of this otherwise oak dart. This +1 icy burst dart emits small snowflakes that drift a few inches from it’s tip.
As part of a full–attack action the wielder of the North–Thorn may throw ice shards instead of throwing the dart itself. The ice shards deal 1d6 points of cold damage plus the wielders strength modifier as piercing and magical damage. Using this power inflicts 1 point of damage to the North-Thorn, and this power no longer functions while it has the broken condition.
The North-Thorn may be repaired by being submerged in cold water, or being exposed to cold winds of moderate level or higher. Exposing the North-Thorn to water or cold wins for an hour repairs all hit point damage from it and removes the broken condition. Using this power does not repair the North–Thorn if it was thrown.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, bomber’s eye, ice slick, shatter; Cost 1,117 gp
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The name "North-Thorn" sounds a lot like "Northern".
Aura info shouldn't be capitalized.
Are those en dashes? Should they be? (I have trouble with this myself, so I'm not actually sure).
The descriptive text is confusing. Maybe there's some words missing, or maybe the flight of the dart is a physical part of it, rather than describing it in action? Is the kestrel tail painted on the dart itself, or is it an after-image when thrown?
How's the pricing done for this? +1 Icy Burst is a +3 weapon, and this isn't ammunition. Plus it has a unique power that's basically Returning+. Icy Burst takes it to CL 10, no?
Why make it deal both cold damage and piercing + magical? It could be more elegant as just cold damage. I'm also not sure that you can call out magical damage like that, IIRC wording would be more like "considered magic for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction".
Typo, "cold wins".
Why can't it self-repair when used as a dart is normally meant to be used?
Bonus Personal Opinion: I advise against creating playstyle fix items. This item looks like it wants to enable thrown weapon builds (which are difficult to do, since Returning takes too long. There is the Blinkback Belt at least). As such, this feels like a patch to something the designer disagrees with. It's tempting to fix things, but it probably shouldn't be done through items.
I like elegance and keeping word count down, but I've also heard it the other way. That a word limit should also be treated as a word target, as that's the amount of space they want to fill on the page.
I think you're talking about different things, Isaac.
For a lot of publishers, you DO get a word target. If I'm told you write 3,500 words for something, I want to be within 10 percent of that (I aim for 2 percent personally, though length of the piece factors into it a little).
With a monster, typically 600 words will fill one page, which means you're leaving a publisher in the lurch if you only file 400 words. That's why Mikko and I set that as a word goal for Here Be Monsters and for villains in the Villain Codexes and we have to cut or pad if they come in differently.
On the other hand, with Superstar Round 1, you're dealing more with public voting (and since magic items often come in groups, I more often get asked to write 1,000 words of magic items than one item at 300 words). I think aiming for closer to 200 is a smart plan, since people are often looking to vote as quickly as possible and may not all read longer entries. They can be harder to parse too and it may be a sign your item's too complex (I had one item last year that used newer rules so wasn't eligible, but it was also really close to 300 words and that was a big concern for me).
Later rounds of Superstar -- monsters, encounter, adventure pitch -- I expect to see closer to the word count because otherwise you're leaving words on the table that could be put to good use for your submission.
That's a good point Jacob, the voters probably won't mind in round 1, it's more likely to come up in the later rounds (it is actually a piece of feedback I got in a later round).
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Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
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North–Thorn
Jarrett, I SEE what you want to do with this item. I'd like to offer some suggestions:
.That whole icy burst thing throws the pricing all out-of-whack. However, a good way to fix this while still maintaining the integrity of your idea is to specify the item to be a blowgun dart rather than just a regular dart.
Blowgun darts are 5 sp for 10, so we will round that up to 1 GP
Make them masterwork, 301 gp
Make them +1 icy burst, 18,301 (This would actually be the item's price if you keep it as a regular dart)
Divide by 10 to get the price of 1 = 1,831 gp for 1 of these darts
Then, adjust the ability to interact with making a full-attack action with a blowgun. (Which you normally couldn't do without horribly feat-taxing yourself). I'll let you feel out how to do that on your own. ^.^ I will, however, say that the section on repairing the item would need to be cut due to the way ammunition works.
Thank you all for the ripping and tearing! Tear into it more! I want to see the idea in ribbons!
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What's the range increment of the ice shard? I assumed it would be as the dart, but I think that should actually be in the text somewhere.
What's the range increment of the ice shard? I assumed it would be as the dart, but I think that should actually be in the text somewhere.
Yisss Isaac! MOAR!!!
Also... I'm a little feedback starved over here. SO... Good points.
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Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
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What's the range increment of the ice shard? I assumed it would be as the dart, but I think that should actually be in the text somewhere.Yisss Isaac! MOAR!!!
Also... I'm a little feedback starved over here. SO... Good points.
It think the "Feedback Starvation" is due to the fact this forum is very unoccupied right now. I'm confident once more people start prepping for Season 10 (Probably after an announcement from Paizo about when it will be), this forum will be jumping again! ^.^
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Disclaimer: I'm not as active as I'd like to be with my own submissions and feedback at the moment, as work is keeping me busy.
North-Thorn feedback.
I've not read anyone else's feedback, so I'm sorry if this appears twice.
The name - First, it sounds like Northern and secondly should it not be North-thorn? I'm not sure about the english grammar on this, but I don't think that T should be capitalized there.
Second, it should be moderate evocation, no capitalization.
As the caster level of the item is 5th though, it should also only be faint, not moderate.
Description seems to be missing something:
"...This otherwise oak dart".. Should it not be "this otherwise normal oak dart" or something similar? I'd probably rewrite that, to this:
This +1 icy burst dart items small snowflakes from it's icy-blue oaken tip. That's evocative enough I think, without the need for mentioning the feathers of the dart. I don't think all darts even have feathers.
The activated power, with the broken condition - scratch that. It doesn't make sense, as you could still throw the weapon and then obtain the damage from it (minus broken). If that's the case, just have it be 1/day it'll shoot ice darts that do 1d6 points of cold damage + strength modifier as piercing and magical damage. Keeping track of damage and broken conditions can be a bit of a pain, especially in this case where it removes the main power.
Construction requirements: I think I'd remove ice slick and shatter from the requirements. Shatter is only there to justify the broken condition (in my opinion) and ice slick fits thematically, but I think an actual ice damage spell would be better. Like ray of frost or snowball - preferably the latter as it fits with the damage.
One final thing, I would suggest that the ice darts, when fired, should be able to trigger the icy burst feature. That would take it up to a respectable 2d6 points of damage plus another 1d10 on a crit.
I would say though, that with the changes I've suggested, you'd need to up the price. Perhaps to around 3,000g p.
Thank you Everyone!
For the feed-back starved comment. I don't have a lot of people on MY end that really break things down on that level. I have 1 or 2 people at most. And MOST people are big on the grammar over here... not the actual design.
So, I can get PLENTY of spelling/grammar checks. But nothing as far as the "Evolution" of my skills as a designer besides "That sounds fun!".
Which, don't get me wrong, that's important. I just want some finesse, and to hone the skill.
Again: Thanks to EVERYONE who is taking the time to help me with feedback!
Here is my re-write:
Northern Wind’s Sting
Aura moderate evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 20,235 gp; Weight —.
Description
A shard of wood that is cold to the touch, thin ice-blue kestrel tails of paint adorn the fins of this oaken frost-caked dart. This +1 icy burst dart emits small snowflakes that drift a few inches from it’s tip.
As part of a full-attack action, when this dart is thrown it coalesces into a large icy shard that bursts on into a shower of jagged ice. The entire damage of the weapon is considered cold damage.
After being thrown, a single ice shard from the attack can be recovered. When submerged in water, or exposed to a cold wind, the ice shard returns to it’s dart form.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, bomber’s eye, ice slick, snowball; Cost 10,117 gp
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I think the Blazing thread is as active as it's ever been, actually. Often times things have had a few critiques before I've ever seen them, which is great (though I feel bad for not participating more myself).
I'm not a huge fan of the name, honestly. I'm a big believe that the name should generally contain what the item is, though a lot of people seem fine without that. Especially with the weapons.
Your template use looks mostly good, except you have a period at the end of your weight and seem to have halved the weapon price, including the masterwork aspect.
You have some grammar/writing issues. In the first sentence, your introductory clause is a misplaced modifier, i.e. it indicates the tails of pain are a shard of wood. I think you probably get a little TOO detailed here, even if the word count isn't excessive. Similarly, in the second to last sentence, "after being thrown" modifies the single ice shard, not the dart itself.
In your second sentence, you have "it's" instead of "its." Same with the last sentence. "It's" is a contraction of "it is," not the possessive form that an apostrophe-s usually indicates.
--
The big problem here, though, is you seem to have left out the power of this item. I have no idea what happens with the shower of jagged ice, unless it's simply that the entire damage is cold damage (which would be underwhelming, especially at this price).
I think the recharge mechanic is neat, though I'm not sure if it's new enough to be popular in Superstar. You already have to go get the dart again, so making an extra action to reconstitute it is just going to slow things down.
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One of the things I took away from Neil's critique is to avoid possessives in an item name, as it makes it seem like a unique item rather than one that might be mass-produced by some wizard.
The items Paizo makes with possessives are generally pretty generic for that purpose, like "Alchemist's Suit".
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Thank you Everyone!
For the feed-back starved comment. I don't have a lot of people on MY end that really break things down on that level. I have 1 or 2 people at most. And MOST people are big on the grammar over here... not the actual design.
So, I can get PLENTY of spelling/grammar checks. But nothing as far as the "Evolution" of my skills as a designer besides "That sounds fun!".
Which, don't get me wrong, that's important. I just want some finesse, and to hone the skill.
Northern Wind’s Sting
When I started the first Blazing 9 it was to find game designers as my local folks were similar to what you describe. :)
If it helps Its & It's match with Whose & Who's and His & He's. Since the word actually changes in the other two it is easier to catch the difference, and it helps me to put 'he' or 'who' into the sentence to test it. :)
Try breaking the first sentence into two. This describes wood shafts and oak darts in the same sentence. They could be combined if you want to work on being concise "A shard of wood oak..."
It think the "Feedback Starvation" is due to the fact this forum is very unoccupied right now. I'm confident once more people start prepping for Season 10 (Probably after an announcement from Paizo about when it will be), this forum will be jumping again! ^.^
I am guilty of absence. A vacancy in my day job has been filled & I am starting to catch up on my to do list. Similarly we moved the dream job from one location to another & things are returning to calm.
Welcome Kate!
Welcome Lindley!
Well, I think it needs some more tweaking, but it's probably at a good point for more feedback. Here is version 2.
Shield of Gruesome Visions
Aura faint illusion; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 3,500 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
The surface of this +1 bashing heavy steel shield is impossibly smooth and painted white, accentuating numerous faint bloodstains which rearrange when no one is watching.
After making a successful shield bash, the bearer can choose to use the shield's power against that opponent. The bloodstains on the surface darken and coalesce into a scene of the shield's bearer brutally killing the target. The scene is so disturbing that the target is frightened for 1d4 rounds. A DC 11 Will save negates the effect. The target must be able to see the shield for the ability to work. Against an opponent who fails the Will save, the shield's bearer may, as an immediate action, attempt an Intimidate check with a +2 competence bonus to change the target's condition to panicked. The bearer can use the shield's ability three times per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, bull's strength, cause fear, silent image; Cost 1,750 gp
Arg. I know I should take part in this, but I can't work out what to put up here and what to save for the actual contest...
EDIT: Oh, rereading, it looks like I'm best off holding off on the "mojo" for now. So I'll start out with a rewrite of my item from last year!