So what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
Russle
How do you get a one arm man out of a tree?
wave
sheesh; these arent bad jokes; these are standards; want a bad joke; try "the purple polka dotted pinpong ball" or "Hooker and Snooker" or "Old Joe the Miner"
What do you call a woman drifting down the river?
There were two peanuts walking down the street one was assaulted and one was not.
What happens when you pass an elephant?
You crush your wide receiver with a completed pass.
You scream in pain.
You clog your toilet.
So a blonde was driving a car past a police speed trap and the policeman noticed she was weaving all over the road worse than any drunk driver he ever saw; he chased after her and pulled along side and believe it or not; she was knitting while driving.
He turned on his lights and shouted at her " PUll OVER"
she shouted back; "no, it's a scarf"
So a blonde was driving a car past a police speed trap and the policeman noticed she was weaving all over the road worse than any drunk driver he ever saw; he chased after her and pulled along side and believe it or not; she was knitting while driving.
He turned on his lights and shouted at her " PUll OVER"
she shouted back; "no, it's a scarf"
Two blondes walk into a building.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from
skipping."
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are in a high speed chase trying to escape a cop. Seeing a barn up ahead, the stop, go into the barn and get into three different bags. The cop follows them and, thinking they might be hiding in the bags, nudges the one with the brunette in it with his shoe. She says 'meow' and the cop says "Sorry cat," and moves on. He nudges the next bag, the one with the red head. The red head says 'woof' and he says "Sorry dog." Now, the cop is feeling a bit angry because he thinks the three women got away, so he kicks the bag containing the blonde. She says "Potatoes!"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyers", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the nonnegotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being nonnegotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (Receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (Light Bulb).
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?
What do you call a deer with horns?
2) A tractor.
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
it doesnt matter; he cant come when you call
So what do you do with a dog with no legs?
take him out for a drag
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
My first thought was "lil brudder". But I guess, technically he has one leg.
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Two men(Man A and Man B) are sitting at a bar. Man B says he can jump off a 30 story building and live. Thinking Man B a fool(and being a little drunk), Man A takes the bet. The go to the top of a 30 story building and Man B jumps off. A few minutes later, the door to the roof opens and Man B walks through it without a single scratch anywhere on him. "How in the world did you do that?" Man A asks Man B.
"Well" he says, "the wind slowed me down so much I was able to land on my feet without getting hurt."
So Man A leaps off the building to his death, and Man B goes back to the bar. Moments later, a suicide is reported over the police radio. The bartender turns to Man B and says "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."
How many to change a lightbulb jokes
As I clearly stated here, I don't believe in light bulbs. They are an emotional crutch used by weak minded individuals who are incapable of accepting the darkness.
How many to change a lightbulb jokesAs I clearly stated here, I don't believe in light bulbs. They are an emotional crutch used by weak minded individuals who are incapable of accepting the darkness.
I don't believe HERO games so I can't access your link.
Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?
What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are to be executed.
The brunette gets dragged in front of the firing squad first, and thinks fast. She waits for the "Ready... Aim..." and then yells "Tornado!" Everyone panics and she escapes.
The redhead is next, she follows the brunette's lead. "Ready... aim..." and she yells "Typhoon!"
The blonde is the last one left. She has the hang of this by now. "Ready... aim..." and she yells "Fire!"
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Whynot?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here", she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says,'Do Not disturb'!".
How many babysitters does it take to change a lightbulb?
sigh, none, cause they dont make diaphers that small
How many <insert group you want to flame> does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
This was originally a polish joke; but I dont do the race bashing so insert what you want.
3; one to hold the bulb; the other two to turn the chair.
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Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
A dog walks into a fax shop, takes a sheet of paper and writes "Woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof." and hands it to the lady. She says, "You can put one more 'woof' on here for free...". The dog looks at her and says, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
How did Captain Hook die?
jock itch.
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Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?
Did I get this right?
My Spanish is a little rusty...
Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?Did I get this right?
** spoiler omitted **
My Spanish is a little rusty...
Yeah, I got the literal translation but didn't get the joke. My guess is that the state name Ohio sounds like a Spanish word that would be funny in this instance.
Este era un pollito que va a la Casa Blanca y le pide ver al presidente, a lo cual le responden: No se puede en este momento pollito, el presidente esta en Ohio. Y el pollito responde: Conmigo?Did I get this right?
** spoiler omitted **
My Spanish is a little rusty...
pollito_ chick but as an actual chick, nor a girl (don't ask). Esta en Ohio sounds likes "Its Angry" in spanish.
:P
Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks!
