Big Trouble

[RomanMetal]

When infiltrating a birthday party, I will not disguise the halfling or gnome as a piñata.

[Inara Red Cloak]

I will no longer make my 8th lvl Bard/dirgesinger/rogue halfing should not use the spell "stick" to attach a bag of priest bullets to a 14CR Horned Devil's backside, so that when the monk trips him onto his but he takes 10 d4 holy dmg and 10 d4 piercing broken glass dmg, thus ignoring DR, and killing said demon,

who apparently was the demi villian for that arc of the campaign,
ultimately gaining the party 2 lvl ups and an extra 2 thousand exp for "finding a use for the stick spell".

[Mac Boyce]

1) I have to remember not to strap a handle to the back of the Halfling Rogue's armor and throw him/her into combat "just because."

and

2) Making the only healer in the group mad is not a wise idea, especially when at 1 HP and surrounded.

[roguerouge]

* I should not attempt to get a sweet-heart contract from a Duke by suggesting that if I don't, I'll start handing out swords and crossbows to his populace. I should not say, "What are you going to do, ban gift-giving?"

* I should not use a sword with continual darkness cast on it. As my primary weapon.

* When a magical plant tendril has wrapped itself along my PC's brain, I should not use a wand of telekinesis to yank the tendril out through my nose.

[Set]

[back in 1st edition, when such a thing is possible, due to the several segment delay between activating a magic item and it going off]

*The 'hold my action and activate the Rod of Ressurection just before the Mind Flayer sucks out my brain' trick won't work again.

[Matthew Morris]

I will not defuse the bar fight with a charm gaze attack and a command 'get me a chair'

I will not turn the priest of Iuz over to the church of Wee Jas because they'll humanely kill him.

I will not model a character after Captain Jack Harkness

Said character will not try to seduce the monk with a vow to be celebate

Especially if the monk is male too.

[kessukoofah]

My god, Cato. you sound like you belong at out table. the majority of the things you listed would have been fine with me DMing. especially the bard things. heck, our last bard used an air Guitar and specialized in Freebird. it was great. every time she used perform, we'd put on the song and listen.

with that being said, some thing's my players tried that i did not appreciate:
-trying to burn down the entire forest and then claiming all the XP from everything the fire killed.
-Trying to claim that perfectly ordinary weather patterns are of their design.
-Anything to do with a bag of holding (they never use ti for actually carrying stuff), most specifically cramming it to the brim with shards of metal and broken swords and then tossing it next to the dragon and letting the ranger tear it open with an arrow.
-Not remembering the names of any NPC I throw at them. any of them. some of them don't even remembetr their family's names when they wrote the backstory.
-Coming up with a backstory along the lines of "my parents abused/pressured me. they died, i'm an orphan. they left me a sword. i met some guys at a bar after a life of iving on the streets."
-When all four of them come to me with that identical same backstory.
-Using the old "well why can't i invent steam power?" question to invent cars and tanks. mostly because it makes me break the whole fantasy feel by saying because i said so. I still don't have a decent answeer to that.

[SmiloDan]

kessukoofah wrote:

-

-Using the old "well why can't i invent steam power?" question to invent cars and tanks. mostly because it makes me break the whole fantasy feel by saying because i said so. I still don't have a decent answeer to that.

For a character to qualify for inventing steam power, the player must first invent a cold-fusion powered vehicle in real life.

[kessukoofah]

SmiloDan wrote:

For a character to qualify for inventing steam power, the player must first invent a cold-fusion powered vehicle in real life.

Thanks. I'm going to use this next time.

[Modera]

Never, ever taunt the stump. Yes it's wearing a powerful mage hat and robe. No, it doesn't want to give those up. Yes, it did just cast fireball to prove it's point.

No, your dwarf paladin cannot ride the 200ft tall spiral staircase down all the way. Yes, attempting that will void your ability to act in the surprise round.

If you can't jump over the 50 ft pit, but aren't completely sure, doing so while injured and under the effects of mummy rot is not advised.

(and finally)

Urgulstrasa's shouldn't go against the party in pairs.

[Inara Red Cloak]

kessukoofah wrote:

-Using the old "well why can't i invent steam power?" question to invent cars and tanks. mostly because it makes me break the whole fantasy feel by saying because i said so. I still don't have a decent answeer to that.

Tell them they need ranks in knowledge physics, knowledge chemistry/alchemy, craft metalurgy and knowledge stone/minerals.

and then have a suitable backstory to support said skills.

... then again, maybe you don't want them to *actually* find out a way to do it.

[Ross Byers]

kessukoofah wrote:

-Anything to do with a bag of holding (they never use ti for actually carrying stuff), most specifically cramming it to the brim with shards of metal and broken swords and then tossing it next to the dragon and letting the ranger tear it open with an arrow.

Wouldn't the shards of metal and broken swords tear it open from the inside first?

[kessukoofah]

Ross Byers wrote:

kessukoofah wrote:

-Anything to do with a bag of holding (they never use ti for actually carrying stuff), most specifically cramming it to the brim with shards of metal and broken swords and then tossing it next to the dragon and letting the ranger tear it open with an arrow.

Wouldn't the shards of metal and broken swords tear it open from the inside first?

you know, that's what i thought too. then they demonstrated by cramming our entire knife collection and a broken plate (kitchen mishap earlier that day) into a rather flimsy plastic bag. and they rationalized that if they could do it like that then a magic bag made of sturdy fabric meant to hold things could prolly contain it. but somehow the outside get's ripped. that was a really confusing night. eventually i just took away the bags of holding.

edit: Incidently, according to the SRD, if the bag rips then the objects are just gone, they don't spew out. wonder why we thought that. maybe it's differant in the DMG?

[Cato Novus]

kessukoofah wrote:

My god, Cato. you sound like you belong at out table. the majority of the things you listed would have been fine with me DMing. especially the bard things.

Oh, I'm lucky and have a fairly easy going group of friends to play games with, but I definitely pull these gags to try their patience. In all fairness, they occassionally pull some crazy stuff too, though not as much as I. I dunno what I would do if I had the kind of tight-assed group some people end up with.

[Inara Red Cloak]

kessukoofah wrote:

edit: Incidently, according to the SRD, if the bag rips then the objects are just gone, they don't spew out. wonder why we thought that. maybe it's differant in the DMG?

Quite possibly rules from a later edition. Like AD&D, or 3.0?

[Cato Novus]

Unlike a housecat, my catfolk character is not rendered pleasantly incapacitated as long as his ears are rubbed.

My catfolk cannot go around asking others to rub his ears for a while.

My catfolk cannot go around offering to pay people to rub his ears for a while.

The Dwarf does not have fleas in his beard.

The Halfling does not have fleas on her feet.

That Dryad we met does not have termites.

I must stop trying to hook up the Paladin with random men. Especially when the Paladin is a man.

I can't take the time machine back a week just so I can race against myself in the past time machine. Especially when I am supposed to lose, due to having won as my past self, and somehow manage to win this time around as well.

Using the time machine for practical jokes is expressly forbidden.

I can't deal non-lethal damage against the Drider, if my sole purpose is to later befriend and train him, so that I might become the world's first known Drider-Rider. Even if it would be incredibly awesome.

My half-giant's introductions shouldn't include "Wanna see which half of me is giant?".

[kessukoofah]

Some more I remembered. This thread is fun.

- My epic level wizard NPC is not allowed to use "summon terrasque" right above a character who's feet are stuck in the ground.
- If I say that the enemy has two potions around his waist, i'm not allowed to have him drink 3 potions of Cure moderate wounds. (bad counting that turned into a bad running joke)
- The god is not allowed to deny the cleric spells without just cause.
- "because you wore blue today" is not just cause.
- neither is "because I feel like it"
- The cleric is not allowed to assume that god will always forgive his transgressions and grant spells.
- the cleric is not allowed to assume that god can't hear him through lead walls.
- pleading constitutional rights will not work on palace guards.
- innocent until proven guilty is an amusing concept to a king.
- seducing his daughter is not.
- especially when freshly broken out of the king's jail.
- No one wants to know why my rogue's nickname is "one-ball"

[Ross Byers]

kessukoofah wrote:

- No one wants to know why my rogue's nickname is "one-ball"

Does it have to do with these:

kessukoofah wrote:

- pleading constitutional rights will not work on palace guards.

- innocent until proven guilty is an amusing concept to a king.
- seducing his daughter is not.
- especially when freshly broken out of the king's jail.

[kessukoofah]

A-yup. man that was a great story. let's leave it at the king is vindictive, and i managed to escape "almost" in time.

[SmiloDan]

kessukoofah wrote:

A-yup. man that was a great story. let's leave it at the king is vindictive, and i managed to escape "almost" in time.

I was once at a dinner party IRL and the reason a dude was called Uno came up. Most awkward... dinner party... ever....

[Inara Red Cloak]

Inara Red Cloak wrote:

kessukoofah wrote:

edit: Incidently, according to the SRD, if the bag rips then the objects are just gone, they don't spew out. wonder why we thought that. maybe it's differant in the DMG?

Quite possibly rules from a later edition. Like AD&D, or 3.0?

Excuse me, I was suposed to type "earlier" edition.

[Fuelharp]

• I am no longer allowed to use Fabricate to make 40 foot tall stone collumns made from the stone surrounding the town walls and then leaning them in a staggered manner down the main path up to the town wall and then casting Mass Invisibility on them, then Permanency the day before the invading orcs arrive. Nor am I allowed to cast wall of fire in a manner to Herd said orcs so that that I can use gust of wind to topple them all on top of them.

• Just because the king said you were short, is no excuse for using fabricate to destabilize the local economy for the next 40 years.

• I am no longer allowed to cast Symbol of Blindness, Symbol of Pain and Symbol of Sleep on my Helm and hold up a a Squirrel in from of me to activate them when running into melee thus nuking the CL 16 drow warband we're fighting.

• I am no longer allowed to play a Half Elf Bard. Ever.

• I am no longer allowed to play a first level Human Rogue with an intelligence of 16, and put 32 skill points into languages, and use the remaining 16 to max out Sense Motive, Diplomacy, and Bluff, or take take skill focus feats for Bluff and Diplomacy or take a Flaw to get another bonus feat.

• Just because you're a 1st level Aristocrat doesn't mean you can hire an army of first level wizards with wands of magic missle.

  Nor allowed to con the Paladin and his group of holy warriors that only he can take on the Evil Great Wyrm who's terrorized your kingom for 500 years alone in a secluded ravine where you've put your army of 1st level wizards to take out the dragon once the dragon is down to 1/4 hit points and the paladin and his band are dead, thus allowing you to keep all treasure yourself.

  Also. 1st level aristocrats aren't allowed to hire dwarven craftsmen to build 200 foot tall statue in your honor and have a permanent scorching ray come out of it's mouth.

• I am no longer allowed to con every bard within 1000 miles to sing the praises of myself thus guaranteeing myself to be elected the Lord Constable of the surrounding lands and then running off with the all the peasants gold while tricking the local anti-hero in a carefully laid trap which he can't escape from because you don't bother telling him your plans, or letting him speak.

• No more setting up new religions thus making yourself a Demi God when you die.

• There's a reason no one tries to attract Bullettes. or Behirs.

• Just because you can hire the entire band of orcs to assault the town, doesn't mean you should just because the Tavern Owner spilled your beer.

• Allowing the Evil Bad guy to live because you felt he might have an Epiphany is no excuse for kicking him the balls or using Arcane Mark to put the words "I stop for Elves" on his forhead and using a permanent continual light spell on said words.

• Telling the dragon he's been living a life of sloth isn't a good way to get him on your side. nor is telling him he's got a missing scale over his heart to distract him so you can pocket some treasure.

[Aotrscommander]

• I will not make a Monk/Cleric and reflavour it into an anime-style ninja named after seafood for the sole, express purpose of being able to shout "Believe it!" at regular intervals. Even if it is justifiable.

• If we are playing Judge Dredd D20, my character will not have sunglasses. Nor will he, on arriving at a crime seen, take them off, examine the scene and then replace them while making a pithy one-liner and I most certainly will not play any MP3 of any song by the Who immediately afterwards.

• Perform (flatulence) is not a skill.

• My Warforged Druid does not shapeshift into a russet horse and cart, and he has neither the 'touch' nor the 'power'.

• I cannot have a Shocker Lizard as my familiar, nor can his name be Pikachu.

• My Thrallherd does not have to 'catch 'em all'.

• I will remember, that even if I am neutral, the massive Undead army my max Charisma Dread Necromancer/Pale Master has acrued does not go down well in the local tavern.

• I may not disguise my Fog Giant skeleton with a badly sewn canvas robe and claim he is a 'Robe Golem'.

• Despite the fact we are in an arctic campaign, my character cannot change the world's ecomony to be based on snow.

• C'thulu is not a good character concept.

• Nor is Unicron.

• Or Sauron.

• My cleric cannot choose to worship the concept of lint.

• The Far Realm is not populated by the creatures from Spore.

• The Death Star is not inflatable.

Yes, some of those are real to varying degrees...I'll leave you to guess which ones...

[Shadewest]

I must not use the word "retarded", unless I mean it literally.

That goes double for "gay".

[Cato Novus]

I cannot spend my time setting up any long and convoluted plan so that I can say in character(while fitting the situation) "Its a Hickory Daqueri, Doc.", or any similar pun based on nursery rhymes.

I am not here to kick ass and drink beer.

I am not allowed to figure out that the area we're in only three lines into the DM's vague description is a baseball field.

My character in a modern setting can't convince the rest of the characters in that game to play D&D within the game.

There is simply everything wrong with building a steam-powered leg-humping dog. Even if its intended use is as a humiliation of criminals.

Let us never speak of the incredibly wrong superhero, "JewMan", ever again. (Not actually one of mine, but it happened in my group, and I'm surprised I didn't think it up myself.)

Must avoid asking Darth Vader why he's wearing a latex pleasure suit.

Disallowed Superhero Concepts: Captain Obvious, Overcompensation Man, Apathy Man, The Pacifist, The Stupendous Midget, Trampoline Girl.

[veector]

Cato Novus wrote:

Unlike a housecat, my catfolk character is not rendered pleasantly incapacitated as long as his ears are rubbed.

My catfolk cannot go around asking others to rub his ears for a while.

My catfolk cannot go around offering to pay people to rub his ears for a while.

I can't deal non-lethal damage against the Drider, if my sole purpose is to later befriend and train him, so that I might become the world's first known Drider-Rider. Even if it would be incredibly awesome.

My half-giant's introductions shouldn't include "Wanna see which half of me is giant?".

STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!! :)

[Cato Novus]

Even though the rules do not specificly state otherwise, I cannot start play with a character who has PH.Ds in Aeronautics, Physics, Engineering, & Chemistry if his Intelligence is 6.

I am not allowed to play a microorganism who fights the bad guys by making them sick.

The script engraved on my sword is not allowed to be lyrics to music from Queen.

The script engraved on my sword is not allowed to translate as "Made in China".

Or Mexico.

Upon his acceptance to the Tribe, the Barbarian would prefer I choose some name for him other than "Man Who Fights Like Woman".

Heavy-grade plastic did not exist in the Dark Ages, thusly, any plan I think of which depends on it's invention is vetoed.

I am not the Last Dragon.

I do not have The Glow.

[Mikaze]

Legend of the 5 Rings:

Rolling your overweight character down stairs into enemies makes more of a mess than it prevents. But damn if it didn't seem like a good idea at the time.

Deadlands:

Habitually taking the worst disadvantaging traits you can, specifically the "dare the GM to ($@#* with you" traits, can eventually be explosively counterproductive.

Not mine, thankfully, but:

Summoning and stacking three celestial porpoises to stop a descending stone door is not an acceptable approach to that problem.

[Mikaze]

I also cannot play a male bald bard with a fishnet shirt, a croaking singing voice, bongos, and the name "Fred" who knows only one song. About being sexy.

I really fought for that character.

[Cato Novus]

Mikaze wrote:

I also cannot play a male bald bard with a fishnet shirt, a croaking singing voice, bongos, and the name "Fred" who knows only one song. About being sexy.

I really fought for that character.

Did he do his little dance on the catwalk?

[Mikaze]

Cato Novus wrote:

Mikaze wrote:

I also cannot play a male bald bard with a fishnet shirt, a croaking singing voice, bongos, and the name "Fred" who knows only one song. About being sexy.

I really fought for that character.

Did he do his little dance on the catwalk?

He would have done it.

Oh he would have done it.

[Mac Boyce]

Mikaze wrote:

Cato Novus wrote:

Mikaze wrote:

I also cannot play a male bald bard with a fishnet shirt, a croaking singing voice, bongos, and the name "Fred" who knows only one song. About being sexy.

I really fought for that character.

Did he do his little dance on the catwalk?

He would have done it.

Oh he would have done it.

Was he too sexy for his shirt...too sexy for his shirt...so sexy it hurt??

[Cato Novus]

Mac Boyce wrote:

Mikaze wrote:

Cato Novus wrote:

Mikaze wrote:

I also cannot play a male bald bard with a fishnet shirt, a croaking singing voice, bongos, and the name "Fred" who knows only one song. About being sexy.

I really fought for that character.

Did he do his little dance on the catwalk?

He would have done it.

Oh he would have done it.

Was he too sexy for his shirt...too sexy for his shirt...so sexy it hurt??

Then did he fade from public eye, only to be rediscovered as a host on a TV show targeted at the gay/lesbian demographic?

[Cato Novus]

Hrrmmm...

*puts a new note down on the list of "Lines Personally Crossed for the Sake of Bad Humor"*

[Cato Novus]

When asked to describe my character, I will not say: "Like Burt Reynolds if he were Superman."

When Greeting the CO of the Starship Enterprise, I may not refer to him "accidentily" as Captain Co- er, Rooster. Self-Censored for these forums :)

There is no such thing as a Jamacan Elf.

I cannot use a picture of Elvis as a Holy Symbol.

Dispite all of my evidence to the contrary, my DM has assured me that the Holy Order of the King of Rock not only doesn't exist, but does not congregrate regularly in Vegas.

On my mime's character sheet, I may not list in the History field: "He won't say."

A Silent Fireball means I don't have to say the words to cast it, not that the fireball itself doesn't make any noise. I am to remember this when asked to take out the guards discreetly.

"Take out the Guards." does not mean I am to treat them to dinner, even if they're both female and it still achieves the desired effect.

No matter how smart my character is, I am not allowed to invent the Tactical Nuclear Device in Midieval times as a means to deal with the army of Orcs.

[Cato Novus]

I had a game Saturday, so here's some highlights.

Summoning spells can bring powerful creatures to my aid, helping me to do things I normally can't. However, when posed with a situation in which I have to cross a body of water, I cannot ask the Wizard to Summon "Avatar of Michael Phelps".

It is not appreciated when I stand behind the Barbarian while the party is getting peppered with darts from a blowgun.

I cannot carry a halfling on my back and demand we be called Master Blaster.

Even if the party Cleric has cast Light on me, I still do not have The Glow.

I don't need to stand on the Dwarf's shoulders to look over an eight foot tall wall, I should be able to climb it easily, especially if my reasoning is because I want something to fall on if something knocks me off the wall.

My Monk shouldn't mock the Dwarf Fighter who lost his axe to a rust monster, even though its entirely valid.

[Matthew Morris]

New Starwars game.

If the Ewok Noble (?!) buys lots of grenades, we will not taunt happy fun Ewok, nor will we shake or drop her.

When the captain is being a, nerf herder, I will not use Mind Control to make her chill out.

I will not poke holes in the saga system, no matter how much it deserves it.

[Cato Novus]

Two little gems from Saturday I forgot...

When discussing with the DM the distance a human character with 15 ST(66 lbs light load) can potentially throw a 57 lbs halfling character; I am not allowed to look at my fellow player who brought his 10 year old son along and ask "How much does your boy weigh?".

Water Ogres don't even know what the Marquess of Queensberry rules mean.

[Cato Novus]

Suggesting that the Female Halfling Cleric go up to the hot guy up at the bar and ask him if he's "ever done it in a suitcase" is inappropriate.

Not allowed to coat the pages of the Wizard's spell book in sneezing powder.

Or itching powder.

Not allowed to use the Wizard's spell book as a coloring book.

When the DM is deliberately describing the magical item the party has found as vaguely as possible, I am not allowed to say "I bet I know what it is!", and then be right about it when he challenges me to prove it.

I should not purposefully leave the annoying Dwarf behind in the spike trap pit.

It is wrong to take the gauntlet from the Large sized suit of armor, remove one of the fingers, and fashion it into a steel cup.

Especially if I go on to say "ding" while wearing it when the hot elf chick walks by.

When combating an animated treasture hoard; the Wizard, Barbarian, Cleric, and myself, cannot pull back from the fight as everyone else continues to huddle and devise our own seperate plan.

Especially if it involves casting spells on me, attaching me by rope to a secure piece of architecture, and having the Barbarian throw me into the animated hoard, so that I can find and remove the "keystone"(or whatever it is that is controlling the treasure hoard).

[Cato Novus]

That's a flaming brazier, not a brassiere.

The catapault is not for throwing me into combat, even if I do need to get into the thick of battle really fast.

Gnomes aren't marsupials.

Halflings don't store food in their cheeks.

There is something wrong with owning a flock of forrest rodents and calling myself the Squirrel Lord.

Cannot make a starting character over 100 years old if he's human, just to get the mad bonuses to the mental stats for a Wizard, even though all those fantasy books do it.

Cannot just Take Ten on my attributes.

Certainly can't just Take Twenty on them, either.

When the bad guys flee into an evil forest, and leave behind a rediculously obvious trail, I can't just set the damned woods on fire.

The old man who smells faintly, has a long beard with wild hair, is wearing earth toned robes, and carrying numerous herbs is a Druid; not a dirty old hippy.

[kessukoofah]

Cato Novus wrote:

...

Gnomes aren't marsupials.
...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I swear, I am falling out of my seat laughing at that. it is possibly the best line I have read all week.

[Cato Novus]

A character with a fez, a foot-long cigar, and a tommy-gun has no place in a mideval setting.

Neither does a gritty, 1920's film noir style detective.

I am not allowed to bring a folder full of character concepts with me if they purposefully do fit not the setting.

Not allowed to command creatures one or more size categories smaller than me to "Get in mah belleh!"

No matter how annoying the prince is, if we just spent months bringing him back across a continent after a dangerous rescue at the request of his father, I can't kill him after we entered his kingdom's borders because I finally got tired of his lip and he pissed me off for the last time.

Not allowed to play a Jedi in Ravenloft.

The Dark Powers of Ravenloft are not Elvis, Mahatma Ghandi, and Richard Nixon.

Just because there are no rules explicitly stating that I cannot start out as the Emperor of the land, doesn't mean I can.

[Cato Novus]

kessukoofah wrote:

Cato Novus wrote:

...

Gnomes aren't marsupials.
...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I swear, I am falling out of my seat laughing at that. it is possibly the best line I have read all week.

Heh, the best way to set that one up is to keep mentioning that you store things you find/loot into your pouch, but no more specific than that. Then, when you have something that the party needs, give the item to the party member and mention they find it has a greasy yet sticky coating on it. When they ask what you're talking about, just remind them that you told them you "stored it in your pouch". :) Note: May involve several sessions to fully pan out.

The reactions from the table are hillarious.

[Aramil Naïlo]

I am under no circumstances allowed to play a wizard who specializes in evocation in 2nd edition.

I am under no circumstances allowed to play a psionic pixie in 2nd edition.

I am under no circumstances allowed to play a telepathic psionic in 2nd edition.

Saying that the new female halfling in the group is naked because she forgot to put clothes on her character sheet is inappropriate.

Calling said halfling female Strumpet instead of her characters actual name is also inappropriate.

Having your human wizard/alchemist ask the halfling how much it would cost to go "around the world" is even more inappropriate.

Calling said female halflings player Strumpet from that point forth in real life is also inappropriate.

Asking the halflings player how much it would cost to go "around the world" is grounds to get yourself slapped and kicked between the legs.

Having your female human necromancer cuddle to the dead male paladin because he was the first person to not chase her out of town is inappropriate.

Having said necromancer "raise" the dead paladin is probably not a good idea when a resurrection spell is available back in town.

Stripping the two dead males and having them hold each other is probably not a good idea when you plan on raising them. Especially if they are both fighters. Definitely if you are a wizard who has run out of spells for that day.

Having your drow ranger kill the party's kender rogue is unacceptable. Even though he treats you like a servant constantly, refuses to listen to your advice on monsters, and doesn't appreciate you getting covered by every rat swarm the party comes across just to keep the rest of the party from getting to badly injured.

Having your drow ranger kill the party's kender rogue is still unacceptable even though the rogue can't seem to tell the difference between a live dark mantle and a dead one that fell on you. It doesn't matter whether or not the rogue stabbed you in the eye while attacking the dark mantle.

It is a bad idea to charge past the ogre.

No, you do not find a new room in the dungeon because the ogre did four times your hit points in damage with his attack of opportunity.

[kessukoofah]

Cato Novus wrote:

...

Cannot make a starting character over 100 years old if he's human, just to get the mad bonuses to the mental stats for a Wizard, even though all those fantasy books do it.
...

Fun fact: I have allowed my brother to start in the "ancient" catagory (or whatever the oldest one is) (there was an article in dragon that inspired him). if played well, it actually does not disrupt your game at all. he gets mad wizarding skills, but he also can't do anything athletic. it's a lot of fun in a high-magic and comedy setting.

[Cato Novus]

If I smile at any time as I tell the group my character concept, it is immediately banned.

Not allowed to forge alliances with elemental sources of evil in such a way that I actually end up usurping them.

"Just sight-seeing" is not a valid excuse when caught in a castle in the dark ages.

If the DM has to ask me "How the hell does that even work?", then I am forbidden from attempting it.

If playing a vampire, I can't ask another character to stop by the blood-bank and pick me up a six pack.

More to come, there should be a game tomorrow. :P

[Stewart Perkins]

One from one of my players long ago:
When 1st level never hear about a dragon roosting in a cave, walk in and when the gargantuan black dragon curled over an egg looks at you quizzicly and asks "Who is this that Dare enter my home?" answer with "I am a wizard and I am here to kill you and take your young for breakfast!".... gets you nice and acid covered...

[Cato Novus]

Even if I am paralyzed with a long duration, I can't take a nap.

If someone has been petrified and we're waiting until tomorrow to get Stone to Flesh prepared I can't use the character as a coat rack.

I am not allowed to chisel designs into petrified people.

Nor am I allowed to "correct" any physical flaws I perceive in them.

Not allowed to take other petrified people and donate them to temples as statues of that temple's deity.

I'm sorry, I was tired. The last three are from a different game that the second reminded me of.

[Tatterdemalion]

RomanMetal wrote:

When infiltrating a birthday party, I will not disguise the halfling or gnome as a piñata.

That's not OK? >:/

[Tatterdemalion]

kessukoofah wrote:

Using the old "well why can't i invent steam power?" question to invent cars and tanks. mostly because it makes me break the whole fantasy feel by saying because i said so. I still don't have a decent answeer to that.

Because, in this world where fireball and teleport work, the ideal gas law does not -- hence no steam engines.

Which, incidentally, will also explain why gunpowder won't successfully propel bullets at lethal velocities.