gran_funny_joke_time's page

21 posts. Alias of Vidmaster7.


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A group of physicists went to a restaurant. They ate, and then when the waitress brought over the check, they began explaining to her what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. When she looked thoroughly confused, they all took off, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens. The manager called the cops, and the officer who took the report shook his head and said "Yeah, those a*~&+~*s have been pulling this 'Dyne and Dash' routine all over town."

-gran


NobodysHome wrote:

Physics Teacher: Which weighs more? A pound of down or a pound of pyrite?

Little Timmy: Yes!

Physics Teacher: You can't answer, "Yes!" It's an eider ore question!

Love it!


You still got it old chap.


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gran rey de los mono wrote:
Vanykrye wrote:
Large corporations *usually* write their policies/procedures based on the strictest state laws of the states they operate in just so they don't have to have multiple sets of policies/procedures to publish.
And everyone always follows the written policies and procedures exactly as written.

And everyone always follows the written policies and procedures exactly as written.


gran rey de los mono wrote:
The art of inyourendo?

That sounds like our specialty.


gran rey de los mono wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
gran rey de los mono wrote:

A teenager is selling fish on the corner of his street, he is yelling “DAM FISH GET YOUR DAM FISH FOR SALE ONLY $3 A FISH” for advertisement. One man, a pastor, walks by and stops to ask why he has to use the word “damn”. The boy then explains that he caught the fish at the local dam and the pastor understands and says “I’ll take 2”.

Later that night when the pastor gets home, he goes to his wife with the fish and says, “Honey can you cook the dam fish for me” the pastors wife is shocked and asked why he used such a word. The husband then explains to his wife what the boy told him and she understands.

When they sit down at the dinner table, his son, wife and daughter are sitting at the table. The pastor asks his daughter “Honey pass me the dam fish please”. The son, surprised, says “Oh yeah, that’s the spirit Dad! Now, Mom pass me the f**king potatoes.”

Was that little boy you? this sounds like a gran coming of age story to me .
I was never little.

Was born completely grown bad jokes and everything.


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Ok now that was funny.


Oh ho ho ho so funny.


gran rey de los mono wrote:

"Can I roll a knowledge check to know what this thing is that just attacked me?"

"Sure. Knowledge (Arcana)."
"Don't have it. How about Profession (Fisherman)?"
"I'll allow it."
*rolls* "17."
"Definitely not a fish."

I may have to use a variation of that sometime.


You're on fire tonight.


gran rey de los mono wrote:
Vanykrye wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
So I made a little dinner for me my friends and my SO's sister. I used about 1/4 a teaspoon of cloves and now that is all I can smell.
Oh...I misread that at first...cloves. Definitely cloves. That's incredibly different from clowns.
But it would explain why it tasted funny.

Ok no that was funny. This is not even the usual sarcastic use of this alias.


*Duh Duh Chi*


Oh look at me! I sew my cloths together instead of just draping myself with them. Aren't I special?


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gran rey de los mono wrote:
I have a group of friends that I go out to est with. We call ourselves the Taste Buds.

Friends HA! good one.


We HATESes the Hobbitses!


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Tacticslion wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
I still appreciate the effort.

Hah!

Sharoth wrote:
Go get some sleep, Tact. Hopefully you will feel better later. We will still be here.
Thanks! I'm actually fine. Just... bad at jokes right now. XD

We can't all be the funny gran time! All the funny jokes! look at my name with the non-capitalized g. oh ho ho.

(I have too much fun with this alias. )


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So funny with the jokes.


...Sure why not?


-_-


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gran rey de los mono wrote:
Yuugasa wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
She has a hard time with jokes sometimes.
It's all good, my jokes are usually only funny to me anyway.
My jokes are funny to everyone.

like that one ha ha so funny!


I really like my kids playing pathfinder.

Punch line:
It builds character.

Full Name

Rajendra Sastri, "Svarga kē tīra"

Race

|***INACTIVE***HP: 45/45 AC: 22 (18 Tch, 19 Fl) | CMB: +5, CMD: 22 | F: +6, R: +7, W: +9 | Init: +6 base| Perc: +13 base, SM: +4 base

Classes/Levels

|Speed 50 ft | Heavenly Fire: 7/7 Ki Pool: 2/7 Perfect Strike: 4/6 | Spells: 1st 7/7 2nd 5/6 3rd 4/4| Active conditions:

Gender

Male LG Human ("Vudrani") Monk (zen archer)/Sorcerer (Empyreal) 6

Size

5'5"

Age

20

Alignment

Lawful Good

Deity

Kroina

Languages

Common, Vudrani

Occupation

Merchant

Strength 13
Dexterity 14
Constitution 12
Intelligence 10
Wisdom 18
Charisma 8

About Rajendra Sastri

Daily Expendables
1st-level Spells (7/day) [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]
2nd-level Spells (6/day) [x] [x] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]
3rd-level Spells (4/day) [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]

Perfect Strike (6/day) [x] [x] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]

Heavenly Fire (7/day) [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]

Ki Pool [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [ ] [ ]

Current XP 15000+/15000
Male Vudrani human gestalt zen archer monk/empyreal bloodline sorcerer 6
LG Medium humanoid (human)
Init +6 (+2 DEX, +4 feat) Perception +13

DEFENSE
AC 18, touch 18, flat-footed 15 (+2 DEX, +4 WIS, +1 monk, +1 dodge)
hp 45 (6d8+6+6)
Current hp
Fort +6, Ref +7, Will +9
Immunities & Resistances Cold resistance 5, acid resistance 5

OFFENSE
Speed 50 ft.
Melee nunchaku +5 (1d6+1/x2), dagger +5 (1d4+1/x2), temple sword +5 (1d8+1/x2), unarmed strike +5 (1d8+1/x2)
Ranged mw composite longbow +10 (1d8+3/x3) or +8 (1d8+7/x3) w/DA, mw composite longbow flurry +10/+10/+5 (1d8+3/x3) or +8/+8/+3 (1d8+7/x3) w/DA, Heavenly Fire +6+1 (1d4+4/x2) (incl. PBS bonus)
Special Attacks Heavenly Fire, 1d4+3 vs. evil foes only or 1d4+3 healing to good creatures, 30' ranged touch attack, 7x/day

STATISTICS
Str 13, Dex 14, Con 12, Int 10, Wis 18, Cha 8
Base Atk +4; CMB +5; CMD 22

Spells Known
Sorcerer Third Level: (1) dispel magic
Sorcerer Second Level: (2+1) owl's wisdom, darkvision, resist energy (B)
Sorcerer First Level: (4+1) feather step, comprehend languages, expeditious retreat, monkey fish, bless (B)
Sorcerer Zero Level: (7) detect magic, light, read magic, mage hand, resistance, mending, detect poison

Feats
Eschew Materials (Sorcerer bonus) You can cast any spell with a material component costing 1 gp or less without needing that component. The casting of the spell still provokes attacks of opportunity as normal. If the spell requires a material component that costs more than 1 gp, you must have the material component on hand to cast the spell, as normal.
Arcane Strike (L1) As a swift action, you can imbue your weapons with a fraction of your power. For 1 round, your weapons deal +1 damage and are treated as magic for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction. For every five caster levels you possess, this bonus increases by +1, to a maximum of +5 at 20th level.
Perfect Strike (L1 zen archer bonus) You must declare that you are using this feat before you make your attack roll (thus a failed attack roll ruins the attempt). You must use a bow to make the attack. You can roll your attack roll twice and take the higher result. If one of these rolls is a critical threat, the other roll is used as your confirmation roll (your choice if they are both critical threats). You may attempt a perfect attack once per day for every monk level you have attained plus one for every four levels in another class, and no more than once per round.
Point-Blank Shot (L1 monk bonus) You get a +1 bonus on attack and damage rolls with ranged weapons at ranges of up to 30 feet.
Dodge/Mobility (Human bonus) You gain a +1 dodge bonus to your AC at all times, and a +4 dodge bonus to your AC against attacks of opportunity when you move out of or within a threatened area. A condition that makes you lose your Dex bonus to AC also makes you lose the benefits of this feat.
Precise Shot (L2 monk bonus) You can shoot or throw ranged weapons at an opponent engaged in melee without taking the standard –4 penalty on your attack roll.
Weapon Focus (longbow) (L2 zen archer bonus) You gain a +1 bonus on all attack rolls you make using the longbow.
Point-Blank Master (L3 zen archer bonus) Choose one type of ranged weapon (longbow). You do not provoke attacks of opportunity when firing the selected weapon while threatened.
Deadly Aim (L3) You can choose to take a –1 penalty on all ranged attack rolls to gain a +2 bonus on all ranged damage rolls. When your base attack bonus reaches +4, and every +4 thereafter, the penalty increases by –1 and the bonus to damage increases by +2. You must choose to use this feat before making an attack roll and its effects last until your next turn. The bonus damage does not apply to touch attacks or effects that do not deal hit point damage.
Improved Initiative (L5) You get a +4 bonus on initiative checks.
Weapon Specialization (longbow) (L6 zen archer bonus) You gain a +2 bonus on all damage rolls you make using the selected weapon.
Improved Precise Shot (L6 monk bonus) Your ranged attacks ignore the AC bonus granted to targets by anything less than total cover, and the miss chance granted to targets by anything less than total concealment. Total cover and total concealment provide their normal benefits against your ranged attacks.

Skills
Profession (Merchant) (career bonus) +8 (+1 rank, +4 WIS, +3 class skill)
Appraise +5/+6 situational (+2 ranks, +3 class skill, +1 situational trait)
Acrobatics +8 (+3 ranks, +2 DEX, +3 class skill)
Escape Artist +7 (+2 ranks, +2 DEX, +3 class skill)
Knowledge (Arcana) +9 (+6 ranks, +3 class skill)
Perception +13/+15 situational (+6 ranks, +4 WIS, +3 class skill, +2 situational trait)
Climb +5 (+1 ranks, +1 STR, +3 class skill)
Swim +5 (+1 ranks, +1 STR, +3 class skill)
Spellcraft +9 (+6 ranks, +3 class skill)
Heal +10 (+1 rank, +4 WIS, +3 class skill, +2 bloodline arcana)
Knowledge (Religion) +7 (+2 ranks, +3 class skill, +2 bloodline arcana)

Racial Modifiers +1 skill point/level

Traits
Spirit Sense: You are so attuned to the spiritual world that it is hard to get the jump on you. You gain a +2 trait bonus on Perception checks to avoid being surprised and to detect invisible or incorporeal creatures.

Merchant: You lived your life as a merchant, buying and selling goods. You gain a +1 trait bonus on any Appraise and Sense Motive checks you attempt while bargaining for the price of goods. Appraise is always a class skill for you.

Languages Common, Vudrani

SQ

Combat Gear mw 12 STR composite longbow, 20 cold iron arrows w/ silver weapon blanch, 3 unblanched cold iron arrows, nunchaku, dagger, temple sword, monk's outfit, backpack, bedroll, belt pouch x2, flint & steel, torch x5, rice paper x20, ink, pen, sack x2, trail rations (2 days), wooden holy symbol, whetstone 0 pp, 1138 gp, 8 sp, 3 cp

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Favored Class: Monk; +1 HP @ L1-L5

Bloodline Arcana: Unlike most sorcerers whose innate magic is powered by force of personality, you use pure willpower to master and fuel your magic. You use your Wisdom, rather than your Charisma, to determine all class features and effects relating to your sorcerer class, such as bonus spells per day, maximum spell level you can cast, and the save DCs of your spells. You gain a +2 bonus on all Heal and Knowledge (religion) checks.

Bloodline Powers: Your celestial heritage grants you a great many powers, but they come at a price. The lords of the higher planes are watching you and your actions closely.

Heavenly Fire (Sp): Starting at 1st level, you can unleash a ray of heavenly fire as a standard action, targeting any foe within 30 feet as a ranged touch attack. Against evil creatures, this ray deals 1d4 points of damage + 1 for every two sorcerer levels you possess. This damage is divine and not subject to energy resistance or immunity. This ray heals good creatures of 1d4 points of damage + 1 for every two sorcerer levels you possess. A good creature cannot benefit from your heavenly fire more than once per day. Neutral creatures are neither harmed nor healed by this effect. You can use this ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + your Charisma Wisdom modifier.

Celestial Resistances (Ex): At 3rd level, you gain resist acid 5 and resist cold 5. At 9th level, your resistances increase to 10.

AC Bonus (Ex): When unarmored and unencumbered, the monk adds his Wisdom bonus (if any) to his AC and his CMD. In addition, a monk gains a +1 bonus to AC and CMD at 4th level. This bonus increases by 1 for every four monk levels thereafter, up to a maximum of +5 at 20th level.

These bonuses to AC apply even against touch attacks or when the monk is flat-footed. He loses these bonuses when he is immobilized or helpless, when he wears any armor, when he carries a shield, or when he carries a medium or heavy load.

Flurry of Blows (Ex): Starting at 1st level, a zen archer can make a flurry of blows as a full-attack action, but only when using a bow (even though it is a ranged weapon). When doing so, he may make one additional attack, taking a -2 penalty on all of his attack rolls, as if using the Two-Weapon Fighting feat. He may not make a flurry of blows with his unarmed attacks or any other weapons. A zen archer does not apply his Strength bonus on damage rolls made with flurry of blows unless he is using a composite bow with a Strength rating. A zen archer's flurry of blows otherwise functions as normal for a monk of his level.

A zen archer cannot use Rapid Shot or Manyshot when making a flurry of blows with his bow. For the purpose of these attacks, the monk's base attack bonus from his monk class levels is equal to his monk level. For all other purposes, such as qualifying for a feat or a prestige class, the monk uses his normal base attack bonus.

At 8th level, the monk can make two additional attacks when he uses flurry of blows, as if using Improved Two-Weapon Fighting (even if the monk does not meet the prerequisites for the feat).

At 15th level, the monk can make three additional attacks using flurry of blows, as if using Greater Two-Weapon Fighting (even if the monk does not meet the prerequisites for the feat).

Bonus Feat: At 1st level, 2nd level, and every 4 levels thereafter, a monk may select a bonus feat. A zen archer's bonus feats must be taken from the following list: Combat Reflexes, Deflect Arrows, Dodge, Far Shot, Point-Blank Shot, Precise Shot, and Rapid Shot. At 6th level, the following feats are added to the list: Focused Shot*, Improved Precise Shot, Manyshot, Mobility, and Parting Shot*. At 10th level, the following feats are added to the list: Improved Critical, Pinpoint Targeting, Shot on the Run, and Snatch Arrows. A monk need not have any of the prerequisites normally required for these feats to select them. These feats replace the monk's normal bonus feats.

Perfect Strike (Ex): At 1st level, a zen archer gains Perfect Strike as a bonus feat, even if he does not meet the prerequisites. A zen archer can use Perfect Strike with any bow. At 10th level, the monk can roll his attack roll three times and take the highest result. If one of these rolls is a critical threat, the monk must choose one of his other two rolls to use as his confirmation roll. This ability replaces Stunning Fist.

Way of the Bow (Ex): At 2nd level, a zen archer gains Weapon Focus as a bonus feat with one type of bow. At 6th level, the monk gains Weapon Specialization with the same weapon as a bonus feat, even if he does not meet the prerequisites. This ability replaces evasion.

Fast Movement (Ex): At 3rd level, a monk gains an enhancement bonus to his land speed, as shown on Table: Monk. A monk in armor or carrying a medium or heavy load loses this extra speed.

Zen Archery (Ex): At 3rd level, a zen archer may use his Wisdom modifier instead of his Dexterity modifier on ranged attack rolls when using a bow. This ability replaces maneuver training.

Point Blank Master (Ex): At 3rd level, a zen archer gains Point Blank Master* as a bonus feat, even if he does not meet the prerequisites. This ability replaces still mind.

Ki Pool (Su): At 4th level, a monk gains a pool of ki points, supernatural energy he can use to accomplish amazing feats. The number of points in a monk's ki pool is equal to 1/2 his monk level + his Wisdom modifier. As long as he has at least 1 point in his ki pool, he can make a ki strike. At 4th level, ki strike allows his unarmed attacks to be treated as magic weapons for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction. At 7th level, his unarmed attacks are also treated as cold iron and silver for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction. At 10th level, his unarmed attacks are also treated as lawful weapons for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction. At 16th level, his unarmed attacks are treated as adamantine weapons for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction and bypassing hardness.

By spending 1 point from his ki pool, a monk can make one additional attack at his highest attack bonus when making a flurry of blows attack. In addition, he can spend 1 point to increase his speed by 20 feet for 1 round. Finally, a monk can spend 1 point from his ki pool to give himself a +4 dodge bonus to AC for 1 round. Each of these powers is activated as a swift action. A monk gains additional powers that consume points from his ki pool as he gains levels. In addition to the normal abilities of his ki pool, a zen archer may spend 1 point from his ki pool to increase the range increment for his bow by 50 feet for 1 round.

The ki pool is replenished each morning after 8 hours of rest or meditation; these hours do not need to be consecutive.

Slow Fall (Ex): At 4th level or higher, a monk within arm's reach of a wall can use it to slow his descent. When first gaining this ability, he takes damage as if the fall were 20 feet shorter than it actually is. The monk's ability to slow his fall (that is, to reduce the effective distance of the fall when next to a wall) improves with his monk level until at 20th level he can use a nearby wall to slow his descent and fall any distance without harm.

High Jump (Ex): At 5th level, a monk adds his level to all Acrobatics checks made to jump, both for vertical jumps and horizontal jumps. In addition, he always counts as having a running start when making jump checks using Acrobatics. By spending 1 point from his ki pool as a swift action, a monk gains a +20 bonus on Acrobatics checks made to jump for 1 round.

Ki Arrows (Su): At 5th level, a zen archer may spend 1 point from his ki pool as a swift action to change the damage dice of arrows he shoots to that of his unarmed strikes. This lasts until the start of his next turn. For example, a Medium zen archer's short bow normally deals 1d6 damage; using this ability, his arrows deal 1d8 damage until the start of his next turn. This ability replaces purity of body.