A Memorial for Dennis William Napier

[John Napier 698]

Hello. My name is John Napier. Many of my friends here know that I had a brother that committed suicide. With today, November 6, being the approximate day of his passing twenty years ago, I've decided to take a little time to write down what type of person my brother was. Dennis William Napier was the third child of four, myself being the oldest. When he was very young, he developed a severe case of double pneumonia, which gave him some minor learning disabilities. And, though we didn't know it then, would later lead to him being Bipolar.

Despite this, he had a happy childhood. At least, as far as I can remember. Like any child growing up in the 1970's, he enjoyed Saturday morning Cartoons and the Three Stooges. Saturday evenings he and our father would watch wrestling. This was long before wrestling became "entertainment." He would spend untold hours exploring a small wooded area near our house in South Charleston in West Virginia. He and I would share the love of the Star Wars movies. In 1979, our mother's parents became ill, and the family moved to Pittsburgh. He and my youngest brother would obsessively collect all the G.I. Joe action figures their allowance would permit. They'd create all sorts of intricate stories involving the figures they had. Eventually, those stories would involve the use of my X-Wing, my Millennium Falcon, and my Robotech Veritech. I didn't begrudge them this, as I had a new interest by then, computers.

Shortly after I graduated in 1988, I enlisted in the Army. While I was away, I had learned that my mother was "backstabbed" by a former family friend, in part because of mother's partial German ancestry. My brothers were taken away and put into Foster Care. While in Foster Care, Dennis was able to graduate High School. In the Army, I learned how to play First Edition AD&D. Upon my discharge, I was delighted to learn that my brothers also played the game. However, my mother got remarried to a vile, abusive, alcoholic, gambling addict. To try to get away from that toxic situation, my brother decided to follow my lead and join the Army. While there, Dennis learned that he was psychologically incapable of pulling a trigger. He was sent home on a medical (read psychological) discharge. This is probably what led to his Bipolar episodes.

He couldn't hold a relationship. He couldn't hold a job more meaningful other than working Fast Food or as a janitor. All these things assaulted his sense of self-worth. The only times that he appeared to be happy were the Sunday D&D sessions. My mother had separated from @$$hole (my name for the aforementioned waste of a Human Being) and had her own rented place. My youngest brother would GM the sessions, and I would cook dinner, as I was an assistant chef in a small Pittsburgh Restaurant at the time.

He would also master cartoon voices. He did a spot-on Donald Duck. What was the first thing he did with it? He swore like a sailor. Mother looked at him in horror. With a totally serious look, he told her "But, mom. It's fowl (read foul) language." This was my brother, always quick with a joke. He would have loved the jokes flying about over on Deep-6 FaWtL. Those gaming sessions taught me an important lesson. If you're wearing a Necklace of Missiles, don't forget the Ring of Fire Resistance. We were in the Temple of Elemental Evil. His character, wearing the Necklace, got hit by a Fireball. Two words: "Chain Reaction." One missile failed its save, then ignited the others. When finished, all that was left of his character was a charred skeleton.

One day, in November of 1997, he didn't come. We had, at the time, simply thought that he was sick. However, he didn't answer the phone. The family's phone calls became more and more frantic, until we got a neighbor, his landlord's son, to do a "wellfare check." My brother had committed suicide. The details of his passing, I'll mercifully leave out. I was working that rare Sunday shift in the Garage at PPG when they found his body. Hours before the security office told me, a voice inside my head told me that "Dennis is dead." Sometimes, partial precognition sucks.

After the funeral service, I stopped playing. Not just D&D, but all games. For ten years. My heart just wasn't in it. Although I had thought about it a year before, in 2007, I started playing again. I found a group that was playing Eberron. We were using D&D 3.5 and did a little with the Pathfinder Playtest rules. Not long after that, I came across Tekkoshokon, an anime convention here in Pittsburgh. I bought the Pathfinder CRB and Bestiary. I bought the early Adventure Paths. I bought as many of the back issues of Dragon Magazine and Dungeon Magazine that I could find. Things were going well.

At least, until the end of March of this year. I emotionally broke, because of a link to a Superman Webcomic involving suicide. There was a line about "being sure that there are no more good days ahead." This got me thinking. Did Dennis leave because he couldn't see an end to his pain? It's only because of the care, concern, and compassion of some of the best friends I've ever made, that I'm able to write this without crying. This is also the reason why I tend to panic and overreact when I see that someone is contemplating any manner of self-harm.

I was considering skipping out on the Gaming convention for this month. But, talking to my friends here, especially the friends that I love like family, made me realize that I shouldn't let the pain of a past tragedy stop me from living. All of this has made me realize that I've never really finished grieving. So, it's time I let go of my grief. Goodbye, Dennis. Rest in peace, my brother.

[Sharoth]

You have my condolences. And yes, you need to go to the gaming convention. If only in your brother's memory.

[Selene Spires]

*hugs*

I admit I teared up a little reading it.

[Sissyl]

Thank you. It takes courage to do what you did, John.

Enjoy the gaming convention.

[John Napier 698]

Selene Spires wrote:

*hugs*

I admit I teared up a little reading it.

I'm sorry, Selene. But just as you're honoring Mike's memory, I'm honoring my brother's. This is something I had to do. But, I am starting to feel better, simply knowing that more people know what my brother was like. Thank you. *Returns hugs*

[John Napier 698]

Sissyl wrote:

Thank you. It takes courage to do what you did, John.

Enjoy the gaming convention.

I will, Sissyl.

[Ched Greyfell]

This was so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing this.

On a completely unrelated subject... what the heck does FaWtL mean? I keep seeing it everywhere, but everyone else seems to know what it means.

[Sharoth]

FAWTL? Forums are Way To Long!!!

Read at your own risk.

[Sharoth]

Dee 6 FaWtL is the latest version of the FaWtL threads. You are welcome to juin the insanity at any time, Ched Greyfell.

[Wei Ji the Learner]

...ninja'd by Sharoth on FaWTL

John,

Remember all the times, good/bad/neutral, and hold each one of them to you.

Learn the lessons, share the lessons, and remember your own hard-earned wisdom.

As long as you do that, your brother's legacy will carry on. That is a powerful thing.

May the adventures ahead bring proper glory to the memories.

[Selene Spires]

John Napier 698 wrote:

Selene Spires wrote:

*hugs*

I admit I teared up a little reading it.

I'm sorry, Selene. But just as you're honoring Mike's memory, I'm honoring my brother's. This is something I had to do. But, I am starting to feel better, simply knowing that more people know what my brother was like. Thank you. *Returns hugs*

Do not apologize. It was a beautiful tribute to your brother...

I am just a little emotional right now.

[John Napier 698]

Wei Ji the Learner wrote:

...ninja'd by Sharoth on FaWTL

John,

Remember all the times, good/bad/neutral, and hold each one of them to you.

Learn the lessons, share the lessons, and remember your own hard-earned wisdom.

As long as you do that, your brother's legacy will carry on. That is a powerful thing.

May the adventures ahead bring proper glory to the memories.

Thank you, Wei Ji.

[John Napier 698]

Ched Greyfell wrote:

This was so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing this.

On a completely unrelated subject... what the heck does FaWtL mean? I keep seeing it everywhere, but everyone else seems to know what it means.

You're welcome, Ched.

[Sissyl]

One thing, John.

I apologize if it is the wrong place. Suicide is a pathologic process. What that means is that it doesn't happen for rational reasons. It isn't a sound realization that it's the best thing for you. It isn't even the thought that you can get out of your daily pain or anxiety. Suicide happens when someone is deeply mentally ill. The other component is impulsiveness, either natural, through anger, or from alcohol etc.

That mental illness can come from many psychiatric disorders, but depression and bipolar disorder are the most common. Otherwise put: Without being ill yourself, you do not have the mental frame of reference needed to understand why. This is, as you might imagine, a very good thing.

But of course thinking it is a rational decision makes it easier for people to deal with - before it happens. After, it just piles on the grief. "why didn't he say something?" "didn't he care?" "didn't he know I would have done anything?" There are no answers because he couldn't have expressed what he felt or how he saw the world. I know this because I have talked to enough people who have tried. They generally can't explain either.

TL;DR: Rest easy about not understanding why. Please.

[John Napier 698]

I will, Sissyl.

[Sissyl]

*hugs*

[John Napier 698]

Sissyl wrote:

*hugs*

*Hugs back*

[Limeylongears]

That's a lovely tribute to your brother, John. Please accept my sympathies.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Limey.

[Tacticslion]

This was well done, my friend. Peace and grace to you - as much as we can from here, we support you. And I, at least, am glad you're here! E my that convention!

*higgs*
...
...
*also hugs, because typo or not, Higgs-Boson is also always with us, so I'm leaving it*

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, TL. And I'm sure Mr. Higgs would approve.

[Vanykrye]

Well done, John.

[John Napier 698]

Vanykrye wrote:

Well done, John.

Thanks, Vany.

[John Napier 698]

Just poured out a can of beer to honor my brother. Drinking one to honor his memory. And, yes, Tac. I ate first.

[Uncle Teddy's Bear, Fred]

* grabs John in a big bear hug *

Thank you for sharing, John.

And I can only second what Sissyl said.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Fred.

[DungeonmasterCal]

That was very moving and I know it took a lot out of you to write. And go to the convention. I truly believe he'd want to you there.

[NobodysHome]

Ched Greyfell wrote:

This was so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing this.

On a completely unrelated subject... what the heck does FaWtL mean? I keep seeing it everywhere, but everyone else seems to know what it means.

Christmas means Carnage.

FaWtL means chaos.

[NobodysHome]

John Napier 698 wrote:

Hello. My name is John Napier. Many of my friends here know that I had a brother that committed suicide. With today, November 6, being the approximate day of his passing twenty years ago, I've decided to take a little time to write down what type of person my brother was. Dennis William Napier was the third child of four, myself being the oldest. When he was very young, he developed a severe case of double pneumonia, which gave him some minor learning disabilities. And, though we didn't know it then, would later lead to him being Bipolar.

Despite this, he had a happy childhood. At least, as far as I can remember. Like any child growing up in the 1970's, he enjoyed Saturday morning Cartoons and the Three Stooges. Saturday evenings he and our father would watch wrestling. This was long before wrestling became "entertainment." He would spend untold hours exploring a small wooded area near our house in South Charleston in West Virginia. He and I would share the love of the Star Wars movies. In 1979, our mother's parents became ill, and the family moved to Pittsburgh. He and my youngest brother would obsessively collect all the G.I. Joe action figures their allowance would permit. They'd create all sorts of intricate stories involving the figures they had. Eventually, those stories would involve the use of my X-Wing, my Millennium Falcon, and my Robotech Veritech. I didn't begrudge them this, as I had a new interest by then, computers.

Shortly after I graduated in 1988, I enlisted in the Army. While I was away, I had learned that my mother was "backstabbed" by a former family friend, in part because of mother's partial German ancestry. My brothers were taken away and put into Foster Care. While in Foster Care, Dennis was able to graduate High School. In the Army, I learned how to play First Edition AD&D. Upon my discharge, I was delighted to learn that my brothers also played the game. However, my mother got remarried to a vile, abusive, alcoholic, gambling addict. To try to get away...

Well-said, John. And good luck on your healing!

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Cal and NH.

[Kjeldorn]

You do whatever you feel will facilitate the healing of your emotional scars John.
Just ask and we'll give advice or otherwise help to lighten your burden.

*Gives burly Man-hug*

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Kjel.

[Syrus Terrigan]

*finally catches up on FaWtL posts, drops by*

John, as ever, I'm proud of you for sharing, and for seeking peace even through your pain.

Much love, chief.

To Dennis, and to those gone too soon! May we remember them fondly, and always!

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Syrus.

[Purple Dragon Knight]

My sympathies John. Thank you for sharing this with us. Stay strong and enjoy yourself at the Con.

[The Raven Black]

You have my great respect for what you did here, John. I believe that Dennis loved you and would want your happiness.

And I believe he would not have wanted you to carry his pain.

You have shown yourself tremendously brave and compassionate time and again. I wish you peace and serenity, my friend.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, PDK. Thanks, Raven.

[John Napier 698]

A copy (sort of) of my brother's death notice. I had forgotten how old he was. Twenty-six is far too young.