| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Yeah, I have an appointment. Right now I'm just trying to figure out what to bring up to them.
Don't be afraid to ramble. Being up everything no matter how seemingly insignificant. It is okay to not be okay.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Golly I am crabby this morning. I've picked more personal fights in two hours then I used to pick in half a month's work of argument. I'm just sick of these maroons trashing my friends!
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Well, we're heading into the holiday season with the end of the year on its tail, so all those extra stressors probably aren't helping. Especially with your big brain that won't turn off.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Cleaver, I would say your mental health comes first, the maroons and such can wait, alas, some will always exist. But do be honest with your doc or whom ever you are seeing and such, best thing I suspect you can do for yourself ATM, and we damn well all need to take care of ourselves these days. Good luck and I really hope stuff gets better, all the stuff, just gonna leave it as...stuff.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I'm excited for the Holly Days! The stress will come later.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I really dove headfirst into the s$~*storm this go-around. Not exactly my finest couple of hours.
I really dove headfirst into the s%!!storm this go-around. Not exactly my finest couple of hours.
You gotta ignore it, it's just the same s&*~, a different day.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
I really dove headfirst into the s~~#storm this go-around. Not exactly my finest couple of hours.
I just finished reading through that entire s4!++$+0rm, started to write something in a fury, then read your responses. Thank you for taking them on hard and freeing me from having anything to do with that mess. Love you, KC!
:)
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Yeah, I was going to say something, but you and Cori hit things better than anything I could have posted.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Honestly, for now, I kind of just want a small, probably short-term space where I can look at other queer people, gesture to the latest incident on the controversy threads, and say "what the f@** is going on here??" without having to explain what it is to them. So if anyone thinks that sounds kind of cathartic, I guess DM me?
Very belatedly, I'd be interested in such a space as well, if you'd have me.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Very belatedly, I'd be interested in such a space as well, if you'd have me.Honestly, for now, I kind of just want a small, probably short-term space where I can look at other queer people, gesture to the latest incident on the controversy threads, and say "what the f@** is going on here??" without having to explain what it is to them. So if anyone thinks that sounds kind of cathartic, I guess DM me?
Please PM Celestial Healer for more information.
|
Very belatedly, I'd be interested in such a space as well, if you'd have me.Honestly, for now, I kind of just want a small, probably short-term space where I can look at other queer people, gesture to the latest incident on the controversy threads, and say "what the f@** is going on here??" without having to explain what it is to them. So if anyone thinks that sounds kind of cathartic, I guess DM me?
Sure thing!
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
I talked to the doctor this morning via Zoom. She thinks a bipolar diagnosis is, at the very least, extremely plausible. I answered "yes" to almost every question on the questionnaire, mostly very enthusiastically, and most of it dated back to well before I went on Adderall or Ritalin or hormones (though Adderall may have intensified some symptoms).
It's honestly really weird to realize that things I brushed off as "normal" or "my own fault" or "just my ADHD" actually have a specific name connecting them all. Like, I assumed my tendency to have multiple days in a row where I would write massive amounts during work hours in a state of euphoria, followed by multiple days/weeks spent unable to write a single word and getting really depressed, was just an ADHD thing, my hyperfixations waxing and waning. But, like, the ADHD hyperfixations would explain the "sometimes I write a ton and sometimes I don't" thing, but not so much the "and then I unerringly spend the rest of the day in a hyperactive state where my mood swings on a dime from cheerful to panicky to enraged to self-loathing, unable to slow down or process anything without taking it to 11" footnote.
It's not a full diagnosis--we're being careful and starting mood stabilizers small to see how I handle them--but it's still... really weird to process this. The idea that three-quarters of the things I do that have so badly affected my relationships, mental health and work life over the last few years could very well fall under this single umbrella. I blamed myself a lot for the "ADHD burnout cycle", telling myself I needed to reduce my workload or stop blaming myself so much or what-have-you, take more breaks, etc, etc. None of it seemed to work, and I assumed that on some level I just wasn't internalizing it all. And, I mean, I'm not, that's still important to work on, but it rarely felt quite like a burnout cycle. It didn't feel like burnout or like being tired, exactly. Even when I took breaks, my brain couldn't slow down. It felt worse to take breaks, because my brain would lose its only outlet for all that energy and start pulling an Ouroboros.
And it's mania! And hypomania! There are words for it! It's not just a hyperfocus run amok, or me being irresponsible and burning myself out! Jesus Jiminy Christmas Christ!
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
Names are powerful. Sometimes they are incredibly helpful as well. I hope this gives you a handle on things.
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
I talked to the doctor this morning via Zoom. She thinks a bipolar diagnosis is, at the very least, extremely plausible. I answered "yes" to almost every question on the questionnaire, mostly very enthusiastically, and most of it dated back to well before I went on Adderall or Ritalin or hormones (though Adderall may have intensified some symptoms).
It's honestly really weird to realize that things I brushed off as "normal" or "my own fault" or "just my ADHD" actually have a specific name connecting them all. Like, I assumed my tendency to have multiple days in a row where I would write massive amounts during work hours in a state of euphoria, followed by multiple days/weeks spent unable to write a single word and getting really depressed, was just an ADHD thing, my hyperfixations waxing and waning. But, like, the ADHD hyperfixations would explain the "sometimes I write a ton and sometimes I don't" thing, but not so much the "and then I unerringly spend the rest of the day in a hyperactive state where my mood swings on a dime from cheerful to panicky to enraged to self-loathing, unable to slow down or process anything without taking it to 11" footnote.
It's not a full diagnosis--we're being careful and starting mood stabilizers small to see how I handle them--but it's still... really weird to process this. The idea that three-quarters of the things I do that have so badly affected my relationships, mental health and work life over the last few years could very well fall under this single umbrella. I blamed myself a lot for the "ADHD burnout cycle", telling myself I needed to reduce my workload or stop blaming myself so much or what-have-you, take more breaks, etc, etc. None of it seemed to work, and I assumed that on some level I just wasn't internalizing it all. And, I mean, I'm not, that's still important to work on, but it rarely felt quite like a burnout cycle. It didn't feel like burnout or like being tired, exactly. Even when I took breaks, my brain couldn't slow down. It felt worse...
I am glad you may finally have a better diagnosis for what is making your life and relationships "chaotic" at best and frustrating & miserable when less than best.
Edit: I think that was a sentence. It looks like one, even if it feels like I've bodged it together from lincoln logs, mega blox, bread twist ties, and a bit of chewed gum.
Me too!!!
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
My stepdaughter (aka The Adult Kid) was pretty upset with herself when she finally had a diagnosis for her sensory processing disorder.
It went something like this:
Adult Kid: Damn!
Me: What?
Her: I feel less anxiety! I feel relief!
Me: Explain how that's a bad thing.
Her: I've found comfort in A LABEL!! YOU KNOW I HATE BEING LABELLED BUT THEY DID IT AND I LIKED IT! I HATE MYSELF!!
But yes, in all seriousness, having a name for your pain can give you a sense of power over it. In time, with help, you very well may have actual power over it in some respects.
*Hugs*
Remember to like yourself a bit. Not too much though. You'll go blind.
Well, today was a day. I can't call it a bad day, but it was sure... a day full of b*!%$$!~. Haha! Ups and downs.
I'm falling behind on the NaNoWriMo, which makes me sad because I'm extremely excited for my concept but terrible at managing my afternoons. Mornings are work time, evenings are a confused slow wind down, but afternoons are just an undefine mist of uncertainty of what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really hard to structure that time, which is a shame, because mornings often structure themselves so easily.
I'm feeling okay about myself in general. I know I lost my cool a lot today on the forums. I feel like I center myself too much in things there.
In "cringey video games" news, I joined a RuneScape Iron Clan a few weeks ago and now everyone but me has gotten bored and left. That's such a self-own on so many levels.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
...I talked to the doctor this morning via Zoom. She thinks a bipolar diagnosis is, at the very least, extremely plausible. I answered "yes" to almost every question on the questionnaire, mostly very enthusiastically, and most of it dated back to well before I went on Adderall or Ritalin or hormones (though Adderall may have intensified some symptoms).
It's honestly really weird to realize that things I brushed off as "normal" or "my own fault" or "just my ADHD" actually have a specific name connecting them all. Like, I assumed my tendency to have multiple days in a row where I would write massive amounts during work hours in a state of euphoria, followed by multiple days/weeks spent unable to write a single word and getting really depressed, was just an ADHD thing, my hyperfixations waxing and waning. But, like, the ADHD hyperfixations would explain the "sometimes I write a ton and sometimes I don't" thing, but not so much the "and then I unerringly spend the rest of the day in a hyperactive state where my mood swings on a dime from cheerful to panicky to enraged to self-loathing, unable to slow down or process anything without taking it to 11" footnote.
It's not a full diagnosis--we're being careful and starting mood stabilizers small to see how I handle them--but it's still... really weird to process this. The idea that three-quarters of the things I do that have so badly affected my relationships, mental health and work life over the last few years could very well fall under this single umbrella. I blamed myself a lot for the "ADHD burnout cycle", telling myself I needed to reduce my workload or stop blaming myself so much or what-have-you, take more breaks, etc, etc. None of it seemed to work, and I assumed that on some level I just wasn't internalizing it all. And, I mean, I'm not, that's still important to work on, but it rarely felt quite like a burnout cycle. It didn't feel like burnout or like being tired, exactly. Even when I took breaks, my brain
I MISS LINCOLN LOGS! We used to make trebuchet with them and attack other settlements...but Lincoln logs are so sturdy that the attack logs would just bounce off the buildings...
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys...
We had them taken away from us twice -- when we were making 'guns' out of them, and when we made a 'tank' using the Tinker Toys as a chassis and the logs for the body construction -- my folks had some odd notions at the time about violence, then changed.
When we were given LEGOs we had some sort of space-tank or such, and when we briefly branched into model building it burnt out pretty quick -- my brother didn't have the patience and I didn't have the precise fingers to put things together 'just right'.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Well, today was a day. I can't call it a bad day, but it was sure... a day full of b!*@$!!!. Haha! Ups and downs.
I'm falling behind on the NaNoWriMo, which makes me sad because I'm extremely excited for my concept but terrible at managing my afternoons. Mornings are work time, evenings are a confused slow wind down, but afternoons are just an undefine mist of uncertainty of what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really hard to structure that time, which is a shame, because mornings often structure themselves so easily.
I'm feeling okay about myself in general. I know I lost my cool a lot today on the forums. I feel like I center myself too much in things there.
In "cringey video games" news, I joined a RuneScape Iron Clan a few weeks ago and now everyone but me has gotten bored and left. That's such a self-own on so many levels.
Here's hoping today is a better day for you, KC.
Everytime I'm tempted to do NaNoWriMo or something similar, I immediately start thinking I should instead be channeling my limited energy into writing Kindle or Smashwords porn and earning some needed money. O M G, the FBI's file on my Internet search/research history for writing projects must be as weird and varied as it is expansive at this point.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Writing porn pays well, but it can be hard to process the side effects of monetizing your own sexuality. Not to mention turning writing into an obligation for earning income rather than a hobby for its own sake.
Let me know if you want to try any writing sprints this month! I'd love to have some writing partners! :)
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Well, today was a day. I can't call it a bad day, but it was sure... a day full of b!*@$!!!. Haha! Ups and downs.
I'm falling behind on the NaNoWriMo, which makes me sad because I'm extremely excited for my concept but terrible at managing my afternoons. Mornings are work time, evenings are a confused slow wind down, but afternoons are just an undefine mist of uncertainty of what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really hard to structure that time, which is a shame, because mornings often structure themselves so easily.
I'm feeling okay about myself in general. I know I lost my cool a lot today on the forums. I feel like I center myself too much in things there.
In "cringey video games" news, I joined a RuneScape Iron Clan a few weeks ago and now everyone but me has gotten bored and left. That's such a self-own on so many levels.
Here's hoping today is a better day for you, KC.
Everytime I'm tempted to do NaNoWriMo or something similar, I immediately start thinking I should instead be channeling my limited energy into writing Kindle or Smashwords porn and earning some needed money. O M G, the FBI's file on my Internet search/research history for writing projects must be as weird and varied as it is expansive at this point.
gorram it Ambrosia, I almost spit my applejack (a delicious apple brandy) onto my monitor reading that LoL. I mean I didn't cause I love my giant flat screen monitor, and that would also be alcohol abuse...but still. :)
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Sorry, I know it does vary. I've gotten very lucky in my work, but it's wrong to speak for everyone on this. It might be more accurate to say that writing adult content has a lower entry point.
50 Shades of Gray is more erotica than porn. Bad erotica, mind you. Very very bad erotica. But yeah, "gigantic bestseller based on a horny fanfiction" is a good example of the low barriers to entry. I started getting paid for my work when I was 19 or 20, I think.
Writing adult content can be great for students/people still living at home, ironically, because it tends to pay off more over the long term. Building up a library and a following of people who know you as someone who caters to their interests takes time, and often pays little until later on. So it's great if you can afford to spend a couple years doing it on someone else's dime.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
oh yeah I guess I haven't explicitly said what I write for a living until now oops
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Well I'm just scandalized by this revelation. Shocked and appalled.
/s
In unrelated news, anyone here ever used Lex? My therapist recommended it. I've been pretty isolated lately, with only my girlfriend and my ex for in-person company.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I will be happy to edit any erotica or porn anyone writes. It's been a while since I have done so professionally and I need to keep in practice and I JUST had to put that BACK onto my resume yesterday sooooooo...
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
gorram it Ambrosia, I almost spit my applejack (a delicious apple brandy) onto my monitor reading that LoL. I mean I didn't cause I love my giant flat screen monitor, and that would also be alcohol abuse...but still. :)Well, today was a day. I can't call it a bad day, but it was sure... a day full of b!*@$!!!. Haha! Ups and downs.
I'm falling behind on the NaNoWriMo, which makes me sad because I'm extremely excited for my concept but terrible at managing my afternoons. Mornings are work time, evenings are a confused slow wind down, but afternoons are just an undefine mist of uncertainty of what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really hard to structure that time, which is a shame, because mornings often structure themselves so easily.
I'm feeling okay about myself in general. I know I lost my cool a lot today on the forums. I feel like I center myself too much in things there.
In "cringey video games" news, I joined a RuneScape Iron Clan a few weeks ago and now everyone but me has gotten bored and left. That's such a self-own on so many levels.
Here's hoping today is a better day for you, KC.
Everytime I'm tempted to do NaNoWriMo or something similar, I immediately start thinking I should instead be channeling my limited energy into writing Kindle or Smashwords porn and earning some needed money. O M G, the FBI's file on my Internet search/research history for writing projects must be as weird and varied as it is expansive at this point.
My #3 alcoholic beverage AND pony.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
#1 and #2? Crazy enough, also Applejack.
Strongly considering trying to make some of my own Applejack this winter, I mean I have no choice but to deal with WNY winter, why not put it to work making delicious apple based alcohol!
In other news, how ya feeling today KC?
I woke up late, which I hate, but otherwise I'm okay. I'm trying out Lex and trying not to get carried away even though entering new social spaces tends to lead me to getting way more outgoing than I can really maintain, especially when I'm in a "hypomanic"/hyperfocus upswing. It's a cool site. I like its design a lot.
I'm trying to get a lot of content edited right now. I've been procrastinating that for a while, and I have a lot of commissions effectively finished but not posted because of it. I also want to start catching up on NaNoWriMo, though! I'm not taking too much on at once. There's just quite the laundry list.
This also, like, marks a week since I was due for my last estrogen dose. The pharmacy is a s*+@show right now and I haven't been able to get the pins required. :(
*I'm going to be putting "bipolar", "manic" and "hypomanic" in quotes for now because the diagnosis is still tenuous.
:(
Steve Geddes left.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Yep, not happy about that either, but Steve has to do right by Steve in the end.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
:(
Steve Geddes left.
Damn.
Does anyone know if he's on Twitter or anywhere else? I can't PM him. (Not going to pester him, just want to not lose contact entirely)
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Ooh, actually, I think we're mutuals. I'll ping him and see if he's okay with me sharing his handle, I guess!
Got permission! He's @Stevegeddes_ on there! He did warn me that he might delete Twitter soon, too, because he mainly follows Paizo people and it's been making him sad lately.
Well, today was a day. I can't call it a bad day, but it was sure... a day full of b!*@$!!!. Haha! Ups and downs.
I'm falling behind on the NaNoWriMo, which makes me sad because I'm extremely excited for my concept but terrible at managing my afternoons. Mornings are work time, evenings are a confused slow wind down, but afternoons are just an undefine mist of uncertainty of what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really hard to structure that time, which is a shame, because mornings often structure themselves so easily.
I'm feeling okay about myself in general. I know I lost my cool a lot today on the forums. I feel like I center myself too much in things there.
In "cringey video games" news, I joined a RuneScape Iron Clan a few weeks ago and now everyone but me has gotten bored and left. That's such a self-own on so many levels.
Here's hoping today is a better day for you, KC.
Everytime I'm tempted to do NaNoWriMo or something similar, I immediately start thinking I should instead be channeling my limited energy into writing Kindle or Smashwords porn and earning some needed money. O M G, the FBI's file on my Internet search/research history for writing projects must be as weird and varied as it is expansive at this point.
So you'll start writing Slaadlers? Good-oh!
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Update on how I'm feeling: I spent three hours writing a nine-page carefully edited post about how people need to ease up on the mods but how frustration is valid and also there are some real problems in moderation, and while I was writing it, a bunch of stuff happened that may have rendered my post redundant, and also it's obviously way too long, and also I'm honestly not sure the post was actually that important or needed to be said, let alone in such a huge outburst of text, or if the post even had a clear point to it, and so now I am Anxious.
:(
Steve Geddes left.
...what?
:(
Steve Geddes left.
Damn.
Does anyone know if he's on Twitter or anywhere else? I can't PM him. (Not going to pester him, just want to not lose contact entirely)
Also this.
:(
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
I honestly just can't believe this is where we're at.
Honestly, I'm feeling a lot of guilt right now. Diego's most recent post finally made it hit home that I've been... wrong. I've been trying way too hard to be positive, and I think that wanting to be on the "right" side of things led me to kneecapping a lot of justified outrage. I no longer think I was right to defend Tonya or make excuses for leadership. I didn't know what I was really talking about, and I acted like I did, and I treated toxic positivity like it was wisdom.
I always form empathy for the exact wrong people and end up hurting others because of it.
I hate having to work out whether I'll be staying on the forums after this Monday. It all just makes me very sad, and through it all, the same boring contrarians keep trying to start stupid equally boring arguments about my existence. Honestly, I just really miss Sara and Diego.
This is self pity, and I'll work through it. I'm not looking forward to Monday, though.
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
People keep inviting me to their Discord servers and honestly it's starting to feel like we might just need one single server just for recovering Paizonians at this rate. XD
It's like, "Okay, so I join this chat to see TOZ and Rysky, this one to see Cori and Geddes..."
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
a leprechaun cursed me this Halloween and if I don't use the word "honestly" seventeen times every day before midnight I die