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I'm still technically running two PbPs, though I'm so horribly behind on updating them to a point that it's, debatable whether I'm running them or just deeply in denial. My players are more patient and forgiving than I am, that's for sure.
But I'll totally keep you in mind if/when I manage to resume! I like the cut of your gib, CH. :)
In unrelated news, rather than pull out of things like I really ought to, I've made yet another couple of attempts at "making things better" over in That Space and now my head feels like it's been stuffed full of cabbage. It's just too much, and I used my last Adderal today because I forgot to renew the prescription earlier. I have a mind like a mousetrap right now: unbelievably tense and ready to spring at the slightest amount of pressure.
I feel like my posts have been okay so far, but I'm just waiting to say the wrong thing and ruin it all. That's where my head gets at times like this. I should probably get up and walk around, since I haven't really done so since I woke up this morning.
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But, um, yeah, anyways, the "do I have bipolar, anxiety, depression, ADHD, or a fun little combo?" question continues to buzz through my mind these past few weeks with greater and greater insistence.
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Phase one of my latest project.
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Geez, are you expecting pillagers?
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Geez, are you expecting pillagers?
Yes, this is this 2021 after all and this is in Wisconsin and Minnesota is right next door, so you can't take any chances.
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Oh right, that's my Instagram page if you want to know what it's like being me , I originally started it to see what people were saying about my work on my employer's Instagram page but it turns out I have a s%*#load of pictures and I'm only going to keep taking them so might as well share the wealth I figured.
How is possible to join kobold crusade?
Feeling very much like a kobold due to way work treats me lately.
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Oh, well that won't do. Kobolds never complain about work, and we certainly never go on any uncivil "crusades"! It's very important to maintain a respectful tone. We just very politely file paperwork to replace our current supervisor. And if "the paperwork" happens to be a formal request to the Trapmaker's Union to install a swinging glaive trap in the forekobold's office... well, anyways.
I've been making my girlfriend watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me. It's such a weird show to rewatch. I never liked Xander, but he honestly ages so very badly, to the point that it's a wonder we didn't realize some things about Whedon way sooner. There is a man who cannot write a good, complex male character to save his life.
Giles was always good, though. Angel was also pretty good in his first few appearances! I miss "cowardly smartass" Angel, before they had to make him all gloomy and poetic. I think they wanted to soften some of his edges, but him being grounded and mature honestly makes the age gap feel more apparent, not less. He was interesting back when he made smartalek remarks and was honestly afraid to pick fights with the bad guys. It's like killing Darla just sapped all the fun from him.
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Oh, well that won't do. Kobolds never complain about work, and we certainly never go on any uncivil "crusades"! It's very important to maintain a respectful tone. We just very politely file paperwork to replace our current supervisor. And if "the paperwork" happens to be a formal request to the Trapmaker's Union to install a swinging glaive trap in the forekobold's office... well, anyways.
I've been making my girlfriend watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me. It's such a weird show to rewatch. I never liked Xander, but he honestly ages so very badly, to the point that it's a wonder we didn't realize some things about Whedon way sooner. There is a man who cannot write a good, complex male character to save his life.
Giles was always good, though. Angel was also pretty good in his first few appearances! I miss "cowardly smartass" Angel, before they had to make him all gloomy and poetic. I think they wanted to soften some of his edges, but him being grounded and mature honestly makes the age gap feel more apparent, not less. He was interesting back when he made smartalek remarks and was honestly afraid to pick fights with the bad guys. It's like killing Darla just sapped all the fun from him.
I told you all Whedon was evil. But noone listened to me!
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Look, all the blogs said Troy would never fall! How were we supposed to know the stupid Greeks would pull a cheap trick like that?..
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Look, all the blogs said Troy would never fall! How were we supposed to know the stupid Greeks would pull a cheap trick like that?..
Cheap Trick are infamous for bringing down the walls of Troy with their hit single "I want you to want me"
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Look, all the blogs said Troy would never fall! How were we supposed to know the stupid Greeks would pull a cheap trick like that?..Cheap Trick are infamous for bringing down the walls of Troy with their hit single "I want you to want me"
Isn't that kind of what set the whole thing off in the first place?
Oh, well that won't do. Kobolds never complain about work, and we certainly never go on any uncivil "crusades"! It's very important to maintain a respectful tone. We just very politely file paperwork to replace our current supervisor. And if "the paperwork" happens to be a formal request to the Trapmaker's Union to install a swinging glaive trap in the forekobold's office... well,
Could I please get that paperwork?
Unfortunately, Management seems to think I'm a baws but no training do not want to happen to me. They already have so many traps at work it's hard to do any of my jobs.
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I like how an account can be the most blatant troll imaginable--turned off PMs, only posts inflammatory messages, joined a few days ago exclusively to argue a single issue, never replies to anyone who engages with him--and we're all expected to just ignore it while he spews toxic hate all over our threads because the moderation team is too short-staffed to ban him.
I don't really blame the mods, but this situation is absolutely b&@+!*& insane. "Just ignore the troll" doesn't seem to really be the answer here. Someone's always going to bite the bait, because how can you not when the accidental implication of the troll posts being left alone is that those posts are being condoned? You can't corral a whole messageboard to ignore someone literally cheering for violence to other posters.
Yeah, I'm subtweeting hard today.
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Yeah, just removing (some of) the offending posts a day after everyone has already seen them but letting that person stay active doesn't really do much to prevent the harm they cause, as most of it is already done when the posts are removed and the person can just keep posting them.
Furthermore, that person can keep posting stuff, just removing the specific language that got their posts removed, while still subtly advocating those harmful ideas, and many of the posters they harmed with the removed posts know what hateful ideas the "allowed" posts are in support of.
Also, once you have seen someone say something really gross about your identity, even if the post is later removed, any unrelated threads that person posts in become spaces that feel less safe. I'm less likely to engage in a discussion on what class feats are good if I know one of the people in the discussion believes I should be hurt for being who I am.
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I'm happy to see it looks like it's been resolved! Anyways, yeah. I'm gonna try to get back to writing tomorrow. Maybe actually update my PbPs, too--wish me luck!
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Was that a ghost? Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing sovereign glue.
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If I were the mods I'd be banning hard and fast. This situation sucks. :(
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So, Sad Journal Hours. I've honestly been in a pretty rotten place lately, and I'm not sure if the Paizo stuff has ultimately hurt or helped. At least it sort of dragged me out of the repetition. I go through these long spells of anxious ennui and despair split by shorter bursts of hyperactive panic/productivity/uncontrollable hyperfocus. Currently I can't quite tell which I'm in, which is... better? Probably.
I'm in a dwellsome mood tonight. Lingering on things I did wrong in the past, or things that reflect badly on me in general. This is usually the sign that it's time to go to sleep, which I'll do in a bit. It's like clockwork: wake up either exuberant or cautiously optimistic, transition to a kind of numb worry in the afternoon, and then slide into either full despair or plain panic come nightfall. Yeehaw.
In less melancholic news, I made burgers for the girls tonight. They were, as always, fantastic - the brandywines are home grown, and I know how to cook a good burger. I also got my prescription refilled, so whether or not the Adderall really does anything, at least I'll be back on it come tomorrow.
Honestly, I'm tired. I know I didn't used to be such an incessant bummer. Nowadays it's a biweekly cycle. I'm tired of reaching a hopeful place and being so full of energy but knowing on some level that I'll reverse course sooner or later - or, worse, that all the energy will start to become a detriment to my mental health. My play by posts are slowly, patiently dying while I tell myself every day I'll update them tomorrow, knowing that even if I get them running once more, it's only a matter of time before I screw up again, so why bother? My mood swings are almost hilarious in their arbitrary intensity. My work and hobbies are floundering, and whenever I think about calling the insurance company about my expensive out of network therapist I get too stressed to think rationally any it. I would like my brain to begin cooperating with me again.
Wow, this was more depressing than I was expecting. Sorry about that. I should really go to bed. Therapy tomorrow.
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*hugs*
Thanks, Rysky. I really appreciate that. <3
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Yeah, at least when I get in those moods I can usually just destroy something or use a flame thrower and then I'm good.
You should really get a flame thrower, they're incredibly therapeutic!
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I hope therapy today helps.
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Y'know, 'flamethrower therapy' brought a disturbing smile to my face this morning...
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Y'know, 'flamethrower therapy' brought a disturbing smile to my face this morning...
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Y'know, 'flamethrower therapy' brought a disturbing smile to my face this morning...Merchandising!
Fun fact: I asked Mall Santa for one of those one year, the poor guy had no idea what I was talking about.
That was when I suspected Mall Santa wasn't the real Santa, which was confirmed a moment later when I pulled down his beard. I wasn't allowed back at that mall Santa for the rest of the season.
Y'know, 'flamethrower therapy' brought a disturbing smile to my face this morning...Merchandising!Fun fact: I asked Mall Santa for one of those one year, the poor guy had no idea what I was talking about.
That was when I suspected Mall Santa wasn't the real Santa, which was confirmed a moment later when I pulled down his beard. I wasn't allowed back at that mall Santa for the rest of the season.
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Therapy's in an hour! I woke up feeling pretty good, which, well, is how the daily cycle tends to go, but with any luck I can keep this going. No writing, but that's to be expected when I accidentally sleep in to a leisurely 9am like some kind of layabout. I may edit later, if I can get those forum games updated.
How are you all doing this fine fall morning?
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I don't want to be awake, but Cyzzane has physical therapy in an hour. Occupational therapy yesterday estimated it's at least a couple months before she can drive on her own, so for now I am the wheelman. After she's done there, I'm headed into the office for the first time in a month or so. My manager is moving to a new position next week, so it'll be our last weekly meeting together.
Oof, it sucks being awake when your body doesn't want it, but you're clearly doing a lot for her! Best of luck!
Also, let the record show that I do have a lot of energy and drive this morning, the first day in a long while that I've been on both my hormones and Adderall. So I'm adding that to the data pool for "do the meds do anything?"
I don't want to be awake, but Cyzzane has physical therapy in an hour. Occupational therapy yesterday estimated it's at least a couple months before she can drive on her own, so for now I am the wheelman. After she's done there, I'm headed into the office for the first time in a month or so. My manager is moving to a new position next week, so it'll be our last weekly meeting together.
How is she doing?
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I'm glad she's been steadily getting better, TOZ!
I talked to my therapist. It was a good meeting, which it better be for $135 a visit. They once again pointed out that I could probably stand to practice some self-compassion, and I once again mumbled, "Huh, yeah, I wonder why I don't do that."
I genuinely don't know why I feel such deep contempt for myself when I'm feeling low. I sure don't hold other people to these standards. The contempt started to really fester over the last few years, which makes me wonder if it's a byproduct of becoming a better, more self-aware person. It's a big part of why I always get so fixated on how many Favorites I've gotten every time I come back to these forums. It's like I shut down all my self-compassion facilities as part of my "admit your own flaws" reforms, and now my whole sense of worth has to be outsourced to other people's validation.
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Well, try to remember that we like you regardless of what June and Ward say.
Follow-up on 'Flamethrower therapy'...
So today completely at random my interim boss goes "Y'know, at this point I'd just about be ready to take a flamethrower and burn this whole (store) place down."
Knowing what Captain Yesterday has said about flamethrowers I go "Hey, I know a guy I might be able to get one from."
Interim Boss: "Yeah, I AM that guy."
"Great! So we could get three or four of them going!"
Interim Boss: "Don't. Tempt. Me."
As far as the balancing of the Self and the Self-less, it's a difficult thing to manage at the best of times by the most grounded of people. It's very understandable to have an issue with 'needing others to see that one has worth' (I have this problem myself sometimes).
Dealing with a less than Self-aware public, though, causes that same sort of feeling here too.
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KC, try not to fall into the trap of thinking bad thoughts about yourself are because you are more self aware now. That implies that those thoughts are coming from you discovering that you are bad, which I doubt is true.
A really good and empowering thing I leaned is the difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is what you feel when you do something bad (I did a bad thing), and is a healthy mechanism that motivates you to correct that behaviour.
Shame is what you feel when you or someone else convinces you that you are something bad. This is an unhealthy thing because it decreases people's self worth, causes them to lash out, and makes them less likely to try to change ("If I am just inherently bad, I can't change can I?").
Try to think of flaws as things you do, not ingrained character traits. It's easier to change a behaviour than a trait.
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As far as therapy, there's a new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix (or at least one episode, Cake Week).
That's pretty relaxing.
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KC, try not to fall into the trap of thinking bad thoughts about yourself are because you are more self aware now. That implies that those thoughts are coming from you discovering that you are bad, which I doubt is true.
That's true! I think what I meant was just that learning to be more self-critical had the unfortunate side effect of exposing how fragile my ability to self-forgive really was - the second I started having to examine my own flaws, I just sort of lost the ability to tune out the ones that didn't matter.
It's been a good day. I'm hoping tomorrow can be good, too. I cooked dinner and helped bake cookies and I had a good therapist session and I talked to someone about Alice Isn't Dead.
Incidentally, I was thinking earlier about how much someone would have to pay me to pay Subnautica, and I have decided: two thousand dollars. And I might haggle for higher.
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KC, try not to fall into the trap of thinking bad thoughts about yourself are because you are more self aware now. That implies that those thoughts are coming from you discovering that you are bad, which I doubt is true.That's true! I think what I meant was just that learning to be more self-critical had the unfortunate side effect of exposing how fragile my ability to self-forgive really was - the second I started having to examine my own flaws, I just sort of lost the ability to tune out the ones that didn't matter.
It's been a good day. I'm hoping tomorrow can be good, too. I cooked dinner and helped bake cookies and I had a good therapist session and I talked to someone about Alice Isn't Dead.
Incidentally, I was thinking earlier about how much someone would have to pay me to pay Subnautica, and I have decided: two thousand dollars. And I might haggle for higher.
I hope you have lots of good days!
Oh my gosh, I love Alice Isn't Dead (and Welcome to Night Vale) I get an extra kick on top of everything out of Alice Isn't Dead because my first name is Alice, so I can pretend she is talking about me.
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As a fan of geography and "deer skull" horror, yeah, Alive Isn't Dead is exactly my jam.
I still need to catch up on The White Vault.
I've already dug a trench and flopped some conduit in the bottom of said trench and now I'm filling the trench back in. It's a damn fine trench, even if I'm the only person that will ever see it.
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Apparently my typing tic is that I use the phrase "to be honest" or "honestly" one in every five posts.
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To be honest I haven't noticed.
I have 23 pallets of pavers I get to work through. Looks like I'm going to be here for awhile.