| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Reins of the Unstoppable Stride
Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 20,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These 10 feet long adjustable leather reins depict mithral-filled carvings of fleurs-de-lis and other ornamental motifs along the straps, and their buckles usually flaunt the heraldry of knightly orders. Riders guiding animal mounts equipped with the reins of the unstoppable stride can momentarily bend space to bypass obstacles, enemies, and other threats by traveling short distances through transient portals.
The reins have 5 charges. Charges spent are automatically renewed each day. While riding his animal mount in a straight line, the rider can spend any amount of charges as a swift action to instantly create an extradimensional shortcut in the material plane, traveling 5 feet per charge spent and skipping the correspondent consecutive squares without suffering their penalties and effects. This ability can be used during a mounted charge action, in which case the skipped squares count as clear path toward the opponent. Squares traveled this way do not count against the mount’s movement for that round. The rider must be riding alone and holding the reins with at least one hand to be able to spend charges, and he cannot open a portal unless he spends enough charges to reach an unoccupied area.
The reins also mitigate the pain typically inflicted by the bit on a mount’s mouth, as well as other discomforts. Animal mounts wearing them feel exceptionally invigorated and do not fail automatically in Constitution checks to maintain a forced march while bearing a rider.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bear’s endurance, dimension door; Cost 10,000 gp
Contributor; Publisher, Kobold Press; RPG Superstar Judge
|
Fairly clunky language and also nothing special in the flavor department.
However, the use of dimension door for a mount effect is cool (and yeah, I'm a sucker for that effect because it is pretty much identical to the ability of the Ghost Knights in the Midgard Campaign Setting).
The option for a longer forced march feels a bit tacked on, but this is still a fun item that cavaliers, fighters, and paladins are likely to want. We never seen enough martial-oriented items, so points for that.
Keep.
Neat idea!
The writing needs to be a little stronger—or a more careful review before submitting.
OK, I'm just going to say it. The writing needs some work. I'll admit, this is not the strongest of the top items. But the core idea is worth putting this into the contest. To the author, please take note: this is a great core idea, but even great core ideas won't get you far in Superstar if the writing doesn't improve.
You get annoyed by the restrictions on charging? Me too. This item would be a nice replacement for the not always flavor appropriate feat: wheeling charge (Cities of Golarion, page 50), which allows a turn in the charge and ignores allies in the way.
Contributor
,
Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
Welcome to the Top 32, Pedro!
I agree with Steve that this is a great way to circumvent someone using terrain or other obstacles to prevent a charge. The visual of a mounted rider disappearing and reappearing is pretty cool too. The clunky wording in spots means you might want to get someone to proofread your work before you submit, but you did an excellent job with the item's formatting.
I look forward to seeing your archetype. Best of luck to you in the contest!
First of all, congratulations on making the Top 32! That in itself is a major accomplishment and it’s something you should take great pride in. You rock!
This item gets an enthusiastic nod from me because of the great name and because of the very cool flavor of the dimension door charge ability. I can see a knight charging at a mass of enemies all by himself, only to suddenly blink past them to smite the army's cowardly leader riding behind the main force. Very fun. You (or a friend) definitely need to proofread your work though. That will help you in the later rounds. Best of luck to you!
Thank you all for your words.
Right now, I'm both really happy for the success of my core idea and really worried about stepping it up a notch in Round 2. Though it is no excuse for someone hoping to write on a professional level, I have to admit I do sometimes struggle with choice of words and phrasal constructions due to the language barrier. I'll certainly do my best to avoid making the same mistakes.
To everyone taking the time to read an comment, I wanted to say I'm completely open to criticism, so fire away!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Awesome job, Pedro. I always like seeing non-native speakers like yourself give this contest a shot. Christine Schneider set the bar for competitors facing that challenge and she took the whole thing in the inaugural year of the competition. So, the sky's the limit for you. Just do your homework. Apply yourself with the same level of creativity and attention to detail that you've mustered here. And improve your writing as you go. Best of luck to you!
Congratulations!
I will be a wet blanket (again!). I didn't like this item, mainly because I felt that charging with a mount does not need a Wondrous Item. It felt too niche to me. Also, it uses Dimension Door effects but combines the Dimensional Dervish feat of not taking up your turn...which is cool...but just was too much for me.
Congrats again and I hope to see a strong Round 2!
I like the functionality here, I know mounted combatants are frequently thwarted by mundanities like "a tree stump in the way" and other rules rubbish, and while dimension door-ing past such obstacles might be an overreaction, it definitely works. The other stuff about forced marches is probably too much.
I really like this item (it's the first time I've seen it). I think making mounted charges easier is very desirable in the right kind of campaign (though perhaps not so much in dungeon crawls).
I was actually quite fond of the last part. Extra comfort for your horsie. Something a good paladin should always think about.
Phasing through obstacles on a charge is a great mental image. I like this item quite a bit.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32! I'll see you in the archetype round!
Phasing through obstacles on a charge is a great mental image.
This remark hits it on the head. The mental image.
This item is s not only incredibly useful and targets a relatively undeveloped portion of design space, but it facilitates a bold, cinematic envisioning of how the it operates in play.
In my opinion, if you can bring that same level of visual drama to the next round, you are giving yourself a huge advantage over the competition.
Great item and good luck!
I wasn't crazy about these, though I did vote for them in some matchups. My basic concern with them is that they allow a player to bypass a major restriction on an ability. What cavalier wouldn't want these? They'd almost be required.
I can see a knight charging at a mass of enemies all by himself, only to suddenly blink past them to smite the army's cowardly leader riding behind the main force.
This is awesome imagery. I like that the item is straightforward (even though a little awkwardly worded) and allows a lot of neat tricks with an ability that might otherwise not see use.
What I like to do with proof reading, once I've got the main thrust of the text down, is to ~5-10 drafts back to back reading the text out loud each time. This helps identify passages that "sound funny" and forces me to pay attention to what I've actually written.
Nice one Pedro! A little bit chesspiece and a whole lotta trickery for the mounted combatant. This item shows some cool thematic design that leaves no space unstepped on. The last "extras" involving forced marches is well on-theme and really made this the "whole package". I look forward to your archetype in Round 2.
I also love the visual image from this item, but I'm a bit worried about the power level. I've never done mounted combat myself, but I know there are a lot of ways to multiply damage on a mounted charge, and I'm afraid making that easier could have game-breaking effects. Although the first time I see a horse and rider teleport indoors through a wall to skewer the bad guy on a lance, I'm sure all will be forgiven. Congrats!
The good: Core idea is awesome-sauce, when reading this I get a cinimatic picture of a large group of Calvary bipassing defenses with your item, and I know a player that would froth over this in a loot pile.
The bad: This is the pot calling the kettle black but you needed to run this thru a few more edits to clean up the language, judges won't give you a pass on this twice.
The ugly: I'm hesitant to intoduce this to my game for fear of abuse. Needs to have some restrictions- look at a size small creature riding a medium creature like a dog, now give them spirited charge and this saddle = nothing ever restricts them for the most part!
All that said I did vote for you a few times and congrats on making thew top 32!
I got horse fatigue from voting on items over the last month. I saw a lot of reins, bridles, saddles, and tack, and most of them weren't great. To be honest, I have a hard time being too excited about this one, although I'll admit that I typically don't play PCs (or build NPCs) that are heavily dependent upon mounts in order to be effective. For players and GMs who do, though, I can see the value of this item.
Take the concerns about the writing quality to heart, and work to improve your diction and grammar in future rounds. This really wasn't as badly written as some of the posts made it out to be, in my own opinion, but there's some issues here and there. If you can, have your future submissions proofread by a native English speaker or someone who studies the language at great length and can explain the elements that need improvement. Your formatting is pretty darned good, so in that respect you're ahead of the game.
Doesn't say it can only be used in a charge action so you could also use it to escape by riding through a house, or to circumvent a defensive wall, or to avoid a large chasm. I'm actually much more interested in all the non-charging actions this could let you perform!
Congrats on making the Top 32!
The thing that intrigued me about this item is that it allows for some interesting tactics and *gasp* trickery in a mounted combat situation. Mounts aren't an area of the game that I usually explore in great depth, but I kind of like the idea of being able to catch someone by surprise while riding a horse. The writing needs a few more passes through the polisher, but I think if you bring another great idea to the next round and hone your editing skills or have a friend you trust help you edit you're going to blow people out of the water.
Good luck!
Pedro of a thousand names, congratulations on making it through!
I can really see this item getting all sorts of use, especially by every cavalier ever, and yet it still doesn't feel overpowered. Skipping over up to five squares per day? very useful, but considering that if you were to bypass one single enemy trying to stand if your way you've already spent at least three of those charges - strikes me as the perfect balance.
I would have loved to see that second bit about the mount not being fatigued on a forced march removed - it feels tacked on - and those words instead spent on a description of what happens when you phase in and out. Do you disappear? Become ghostly?
A great item, and one I'm sure at least one player I have would be interesting on acquiring.
Congratulations Pedro!
I found this a little overpowered, charging should be difficult and riding a mount in a dungeon should be difficult and this makes it possible even in a hallway crowded with one's allies. Or through a closed door. Or down to the bottom of the river. Or to the hovering dragon (though that could be messy after word.) I love the plane hopping aspect and the imagery is incredibly cool. *bamfing horses*
Suggestions for R2: beware your inner munchkin!
Good luck and nice job!
Curaigh, I didn't even see this cloak's ability to go through doors, and thus walls and more until you called it out. What would happen if you teleported into a space on the other side of the door... and couldn't fit?
Pedro,
Congratulations on earning your spot. I'd be lying if I said your item didn't cause me consternation when I first saw it. Your reins and my scatterstep boots were pretty much working off the same concept. I'm encouraged to see that concept considered Superstar by the judges, even if it wasn't my item they went with. Good luck to you in the next round.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
I can only reiterate what's already been said - you wisely chose your design space and a segment of players that favor mounted characters will really dig this.
Work on smooth writing, and keep thinking about underused spaces and original ideas. Good luck!
Well, now that I've finally sent my archetype, I have time to talk a little about the design process for this item and to address some of the points raised here. But first I'd like to thank everyone for their input and for upvoting my item. :)
Since we've already established that the writing needs to improve and the flavor is a bit lacking, I'm gonna skip that part. I've really taken this into consideration and worked hard in my archetype, so I hope it shows.
Now, about the idea. I had recently read some texts about the Shoanti tribes for a Rise of the Runelords character, and on top of that I was listening, at the time, to a podcast about the mongol invasions in China. So I was strongly inclined to do something dealing with mounts/mounted combat. Initially, I started drafting some ideas inspired by the Shoanti Burnriders, but as I did my research on previous RPGSS submissions (both in the Top 32 and in the critique my item threads) I found my designs were similar to a lot of stuff there. So I slowly started to deviate from that initial path, when the aforementioned podcast sparked an idea. It talked about how the mongols had had a terrible time dealing with the fortified cities, since their cavalry couldn't get in. Combined with the notion that mounted movement is sometimes complicated, I started imagining how to deal with this. The idea of a mongol cavalry phasing through the walls stuck in my mind, and I started from there.
The option for a longer forced march feels a bit tacked on
I'm forced to agree here. From a design standpoint, it doesn't seem to quite fit, mostly because the mechanics and situations for each of the item's abilities are so distant. The bit about forced march was already in my earlier designs when I started working the dimension door ability, an by then I had already fallen a little bit in love with that. To me, it gave a sort of feel-good vibe to the item - like James Conder put it in his post above, it was "Something a good paladin should always think about." I had second thoughts about leaving that part, but since in a way they were just to different aspects of an "unstoppable stride" - negating both obstacles and fatigue, which are the things that can halt a horse - I hoped I could maybe get away with that. Besides, when you are designing for this competition, it is hard to refrain from adding just that little extra ability so people will like it better. I acknowledge that. I'm glad some people enjoyed it, but I guess the lesson here is don't get too attached to your design.
[...]charging should be difficult and riding a mount in a dungeon should be difficult [...] beware your inner munchkin!
I really liked this remark for a single reason: I included the charge option to appease the outer munchkin. Initially, the activation method was a standard action, so a character making a mounted charge wouldn't be able to activate it, since charging is a full-round action (there's some debate on this ruling, but I dis ask James Jacobs). However, I kept thinking I needed to make it more useful or people wouldn't want it. So I thought about the charge, which ended up making the activation a swift action. I thought having a small number of charges per day would compensate that power, since you wouldn't really be able to charge more than once or twice per day, depending on terrain conditions/enemy distribution.
I'm hesitant to intoduce this to my game for fear of abuse.
I tried to balance the idea as best I could, and that is why I threw in some restrictions: 1, you have to ride in a straight line; 2, you must use one hand (making it harder to use a lance during a charge); 3. you have a rather limited number of uses per day; 4. You can't skip non-consecutive squares in the same activation - i.e., it's necessary to spend one charge for each square between the exit and re-entrance point, even if some of these squares are clear. I don't feel like it is gamebreaking under these conditions.
What would happen if you teleported into a space on the other side of the door... and couldn't fit?
That's a situation I thought of. Initially, I started tinkering with the same situation as described in the spell, but it blew me over the wordcount and in the end I figured I wouldn't be able to cover all the possibilities. So I decided to restrict this possibility altogether with this sentence: "[...]he cannot open a portal unless he spends enough charges to reach an unoccupied area." What I meant by it was that if you can't reach an area that fits you and your mount with the charges you have, you can't skip any squares at all. Maybe there are better solutions, but this was the one I could come up with; it requires a little DM fiat, since the rider doesn't know what's behind a wall or a door, but the GM does - and if so, the item does, too. ;)
Hi Jeff! When I saw the scatterstep boots, after freaking out about directly competing with it, I remember thinking "Man, and this name is better!". So, yes, I was worried, too. Conratulations on making the Top 36, though, it is no small feat!
Curaigh, I didn't even see this cloak's ability to go through doors, and thus walls and more until you called it out. What would happen if you teleported into a space on the other side of the door... and couldn't fit?
Pedro addressed this.
... he cannot open a portal unless he spends enough charges to reach an unoccupied area....
It will require abjudication as the rider will have to guess how many charges to spend, by which time he his already on the move.
I thought your item was quite good when I saw it in voting and I think I voted for it at least once. You must have done your research and paid attention to the "dos" and "don'ts" of RPG Superstar. And I'm always impressed when someone who uses English as a second or third language makes the top 32 of RPG Superstar. Heck, your entry was as cleanly written as mine, and English is my first and only language (I took some Spanish in high school and college, but I didn't retain much).
It looks like we both work in TV graphics. That's cool, though I'd rather be working in game design.
Anyway, congrats on making to the top 32 and good luck in the archetype round.
I voted for this item when it came up in a pairing because I am a big fan of mounted combat. The idea of extra-dimensional travel while mounted is really cool and gives this item mojo.
|
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
This is a useful item that helps fill in a often neglected area in the game, mounted combat. One thing I would have liked to see included is that the bypassed squares don't count towards the 10 minimum distance needed to make a charge - the mount would still need to move at least 10 feet in the physical world rather than through portals.
Otherwise, great job!
One thing I would have liked to see included is that the bypassed squares don't count towards the 10 minimum distance needed to make a charge
Hi Joel, thanks for your comments! Actually, it does work the way you wish it did - at least, I intended for it to:
Squares traveled this way [using the reins] do not count against the mount’s movement for that round
I thought this already implied the need to move 10 ft. to charge (since traveling through the portal doesn't "count" as movement). I wasn't sure if I should to specifically call this out. This is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of game design - coming across clearly and leaving little room for doubts.
|
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
One thing I would have liked to see included is that the bypassed squares don't count towards the 10 minimum distance needed to make a chargeHi Joel, thanks for your comments! Actually, it does work the way you wish it did - at least, I intended for it to:
Squares traveled this way [using the reins] do not count against the mount’s movement for that roundI thought this already implied the need to move 10 ft. to charge (since traveling through the portal doesn't "count" as movement). I wasn't sure if I should to specifically call this out. This is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of game design - coming across clearly and leaving little room for doubts.
I felt that statement only covered that the space skipped using the portal simply didn't count against the mount's availible movement - so if your mount had speed 50, and charged, you could move 100 feet, plus any squares bypassed. However, it doesn't explicitly say that you have to move at least 10 feet to count as a charge - theoretically you could move 5 feet, bypass 2 squares, and say that's 15 feet total movement, more than the 10 needed and therefore counts as a charge. As a GM, I wouldn't allow that, but if you put it explicitly in the item description, then you don't need to worry about a player who tries that.
Pedro, thanks for the clairification. I'm planning on introducing this to my kingmaker campaign very soon. :)
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
,
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka burrahobbit
|
Congrats on making the Top 32! I really like how the mechanic on this one solves a common frustration with blocked charges and opens the door for some creative innovation. Good luck in Round 2!
Before going radio silent, I wanted to hijack a post from GM_Solspiral's "Good, bad, ugly critiques" to talk about a design choice. I'm posting it here because I didn't want to derail his thread.
145) Spectral Saddle
Good: Here's the saddle I liked! Yours in effect bipasses obsticles just like the saddle in the top 32, yours does it in a way I like better IMHO.
Bad: Color draining property is cute description but not needed.
Ugly: Difference between yours and top 32 is yours is SIAC his is not. I like the mechanics of going etherial to bipass things and his caught the utility of charging which yours doesn't and should.
Overall: Take his and yours and have a baby and you might win my favorite item, but as is this is top 100 for me, superstar idea missing that 1 mechanic that makes it transend.
During the voting process, I was keeping track of two things pertaining my own item: entries that explored the same design space and mechanics (such as the scatterstep boots) and items that shared the same general theme (I counted 13 "mount" items). This one did both of those things, and they could have ended up nearly identical if I'd gone with my first instincts.
Initially, I used the blink spell, but two things drove me away from going with the ethereal mechanics.
First, I wanted a simple effect (to skip a square), and doing so via becoming ethereal opened a whole can of worms - mostly due to interaction with incorporeal creatures and force effects and all the situations and corner cases that could arise from this. Second, I felt it had been done before. I saw a few items in the old critique threads that let you become ethereal, and I didn't want the judges thinking "Oh, this was done last year".
So, in the end, the use of teleporting mechanics to simulate phasing through objects achieved the same result I wanted but in a simpler way, and that's why I ended up using dimension door (it also ended up allowing for extra movement).
As prior entries will tell you, Template Fu is one mean point eating machine, but will also praise where praise is due.
These reviews being this in depth usually take me a while to do and they get fitted in around other demands on my time, so please bear with me if I haven’t gotten to your item yet. I will get there in the end.
Review Caveat: I try to keep things totally dispassionate and all comments herein are my own. Having not made the illustrious levels that you have achieved this year, I can only caveat that anything I propose in feedback may not be totally in line with what Paizo thinks or needs of its freelance game designers, so do consider carefully any and all feedback I make under this light.
I start your review with…
Congratulations on being selected by the public at large and then the stalwart judges!
Review Breakdown:
Template: 5/5
Perfect template use … well done. There really is nothing to say here, you used the correct slot per the errata, you didn’t italicize the commas between the spells. Great.
Spelling: 5/5
This bit IS boilerplate to avoid confusion. Everyone should know to use US English, so you just know that I am going to eat points for stray ‘u’ letters and similar.
Template Fu continues with his marathon watch of Heroes in his den, let’s not disturb him…
Readability: 3/5
These are readings you can get from most spelling and grammar check options in word processors, for this, I am pasting everyone’s description into Word for consistency. My grading’s are purely my own personal feelings for target scores but it should be noted these are very helpful during development to spot problems in your writing, especially passivity.
Passive Sentences 20% (your clunky phrasing hurts you in this category)
There are whole threads on this and it is possible to get 0%, which is wicked, but I would expect scores of less than 20% to be around the ideal mark for item descriptions (sometimes, you need the passive, but only rarely).
Flesch Reading Ease 44.4 (-1, trimming the in crunch description would help)
(0-30 best understood by university graduates, 60-70 easily understood by 13-15 year olds, 90-100 easily understood by 11 year olds)
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level 12.9 (-1, again, hurt by the phrasing)
(This equates to the grades found in the US schooling system, e,g. 8.2 means it should be understandable by the average 8th grade student)
Me as a Designer Review: 4/5
Ok, your phrasing is over flowery at times, which for me is kind of cool too as it gave it a very, very old school feel. That said, let’s look at your last paragraph by way of example. The very first sentence has no game effect whatsoever and doesn’t hurt the second sentence if it was omitted. Omitting it makes the rule part of the item far faster and easier to scan and digest when a rules call is called for at the gaming table. Always bear in mind that where you bog down your description, is where you potentially bog down game play.
Ack, extradimensional. This is a problem which you may not have suspected. Let’s look at how such a space is defined in the rules… “a tiny pocket space that does not exist in any dimension”
So, they tend to be tiny, whereas for a horse and rider to pass, it would be more of a rift in the fabric of the material plane. Second, and the most important, an extradimensional space does not exist in any dimension – this for me means it is not connected to all points of the plane-verse, so is not a method of bending two points to be connected for passing. I would myself have gone with a rift in the material plane allowing instantaneous passage between two points.
Ok, Im going to be mean and dock a point as reading the item was a bit of a task and scanning would be hampered as it stands, so this point is an encouragement point to work at this.
On reflection, I am not going to dock a point for the extra dimensional space issues, as this is my take on extra dimensional spaces and so I don’t feel justified in taking a point for that. A solid entry. Well done.
Overall Impression: 4/5
The item was hard to read, even though it wasn’t wall of words like some others. But this hard to read equates to hard to scan in game time and is likely to cause people to not use an item because it’s too much work to do so. This is why you lost a point here. I read your commitment to improving this aspect of your writing, so can only applaud your intentions. Well done.
I look forward to your archetype with great expectation!
Final Score: 21/25
I won’t give a final score comment as I haven’t for anyone else as I work through the items.
If this interests for personal reasons, please feel free to check out everyone else’s scores and at the same time check out your competition and their feedback too!
Closing, as I started…
Congratulations on being selected!
Anthony, thanks for your review! I applaud your dedication to the contest.