I am increasingly traveling in my job and becoming aware of how easy it is for folks to stray from their marital vows. For those in similar situations, how do you keep yourself in check?
Its wrong, a betrayal of trust and beneath you
Would I lie to my friends? No. Then I should not lie to my wife. If my wife is not my friend then there is already an issue.
...and the trumpets sound, summoning forth all the White Kinghts of teh Intarwebz.
It's dead easy, and if you feel so inclined then go ahead. Understand though, that if you are careless you will be caught, if you have a guilty conscience then you will give yourself away, and if one of your flings gets narky he or she will tell your partner.
With that in mind, do what you gotta do, but just be aware its pretty likely to ccome back and bite you right on the rear. If you are prepared to pay the price of losing friends/loved ones over it, then fill your boots. If not, don't.
I am increasingly traveling in my job and becoming aware of how easy it is for folks to stray from their marital vows. For those in similar situations, how do you keep yourself in check?
Google hepatitis C sometime.
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I wouldn't cheat on my wife because I know what it feels like.
My first long term serious girlfriend, the one I lost my virginity with, started cheating on me when I went off to college. She was still a senior in High School.
It hurt A LOT. Without going into detail, it colored my future relationships for quite a while.
Since then, I have been presented with numerous opportunities to stray, but I never consider it, because I know what it feels like to be betrayed.
I am increasingly traveling in my job and becoming aware of how easy it is for folks to stray from their marital vows. For those in similar situations, how do you keep yourself in check?
to be blunt and nessecarily crass,
The next time you get a hard on and can't stand being without human contact Picture your wife finding out what you've done because she has AIDS!It's real easy to think condoms are fool proof but they arn't.
The betrayl of trust is one thing but consigning her to a death sentance because you had to get off is wrong.
were both adults so I spoke to you as one adult to another with no sugar coating.
One possible solution that might help is to call her more often to help lessen the distance, also if she's agreeable the two of you can "talk" to one another cheaper than 3.99 a minute.
When you two do finally do see each other again it will be better than ever. No one ever said being a man was easy but times like this are what defins a man vs a self indulgent boy.
Bottom line you swore a vow before man and GOD, don't break it.
Real temptation comes when a person starts to have 'feelings' for someone else.
More often than not, this rears its ugly head when things are tough at home, including the stress of being apart so much.
Giving in is taking the easy way out. Stress is just an excuse. And if you don't feel guilty for entertaining the thoughts, you'd be lying to yourself.
For all of the important decisions that you gotta make in life, it's not enough to know that emotions and instincts get in the way. You've got to dig your heels in refuse to give in to your baser inclinations. We are conscientious beings, and we get the responsibility that comes with self-awareness. We are illogical beings with the capability of understanding logic, so use it as much as you can.
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First of all, congratulations on knowing that this is a problem and asking for help. You know and admit that it's wrong, so keep that in mind when you're out. If it's practical, do something romantic with your wife, get it out of your system before you go. Text, call and email your wife as frequently as she'll tolerate when you're gone. Don't give yourself the opportunity.
Fear and anxiety.
Being a wife I have to say, if my hubby brings home a nasty I would hurt him, badly. Not only are you cheating on her, disrespecting her, but you are putting yourself and her, and any children you may have at risk for diseases. How could you do that to someone you say you love?
Honestly, if you are that lonely hit the nearest porn store, pick up some masturbation aids and learn how to do that over the phone with your wife.
Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.
RPG Superstar 2013
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Your first tool is vigivlance. Cheating happens qhen people get selfish, and then they get lazy. You end up in a position by accident, and then it happens. The moment overcomes the rest of your life because in that moment you aren't vigilant. This is not how all cheating happens, but a lot of it.
Your second tool is accounability. You can get away with cheating if you want - but you don't want, cause you're reaching out. So you get an accountability partner. You get another guy you travel with and become movies buddies. When the chance to cheat shows up, you make a phone call: dude I need backup. What's showing? Or you call you wife and remember what you left behind. But even this takes discipline, If you forget to be aware of the temptations around you, and you get yourself in a situation that seems more real that the life on hold back home, you won't remember to call.
Havng said all that, while I cheated on two girlfriends, I have never cheated on my wife. And thus, I am still alive to offer my two cents.
And ignore anyone that says "just do what you need to do and accept the consequences." No one paying those consequences thought they were real when they happened. You're doing the right thing by reaching out to friends for advice, and I hope your resolve is rewarded with good counsel.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.
If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.
I find that most people don't understand the commitment of monogamy when they make it.
Ask yourself this question:
Did you go into the commitment of monogamy ignorantly?
Your answer will become clear based on that answer.
-Idle
Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.
Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.
I wouldn't cheat on my wife because I know what it feels like.
+1
Well first, make sure you don't put yourself in a position where something might happen. Hormones can kick in pretty quick when you're alone with someone you find attractive in a private setting. If you're with a group of people in a public place, there are a lot fewer available opportunities to stray. This is particularly true if you're with people who know that you're married, and who might be put off if you start chasing around after some short skirt.
Another thing you can do is tell the person you find attractive that you're married. You don't have to be overt about it, just slip it into the conversation. Try something like, "My wife was telling me the funniest story. Apparently, she saw some poodle humping some guy's leg while shouting, 'It's all Sebastian's fault! It's all Sebastian's fault!" I find that telling a woman that I'm married is an easy way to keep myself in check. It also tells the person that I'm with that I'm not looking and that they shouldn't try anything.
Finally, talk to your wife. Let her know that you love her, and that being away from her is making you feel lonely. Perhaps there is something that the two of you can do to make the time apart more bearable. You may be in for some difficult conversations, but if she can't be sympathetic and understanding that you're having a difficult time without her, then I think you need to seriously consider how solid your relationship is.
These are just some of the things that I find useful. Take them for what they're worth.
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Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.
Why are any of you offering judgement on the OP's marriage? Where in the OP was it mentioned "I am planning to cheat on my spouse"?
An observation was made, and a question asked. Please stick to the discussion of 'how do you stay faithful' instead of discussing the morality of the OP, because that is NOT what this thread is about.
Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.
Thank you
Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.Why are any of you offering judgement on the OP's marriage? Where in the OP was it mentioned "I am planning to cheat on my spouse"?
An observation was made, and a question asked. Please stick to the discussion of 'how do you stay faithful' instead of discussing the morality of the OP, because that is NOT what this thread is about.
+1
Consider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.Why are any of you offering judgement on the OP's marriage? Where in the OP was it mentioned "I am planning to cheat on my spouse"?
An observation was made, and a question asked. Please stick to the discussion of 'how do you stay faithful' instead of discussing the morality of the OP, because that is NOT what this thread is about.
He asked our opinions, we gave them. Not casting judgment on his morality. I wasn't directing anything towards him other than my ideas on the topic. Someone mentioned an open marriage as a possible way to help with the desire to cheat, or not cheat. I commented on it. As far as I can tell, I am on topic.
Thank youConsider discussing it with your wife. Maybe an open marriage is right for you.If youre marriage is 'open', it's a piece of paper. If your marriage is a partnership, and you promised on your wedding day to have no other, than the kind of man you want to be does not include an open marriage.Why make judgments and cast aspersions about other people's relationships? I know many couples who have 'open' marriages. They are very happy. The divorce rate among 'swingers' are extremely low, and they are some of teh most non judgmental people I have ever met.
If this works for him and his wife then so be it.
NP. :)
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While you didn't start it, you continued discussing the OP instead of the topic. "If this works for him and his wife then so be it." is not discussing "How do you keep yourself in check?"
I had originally replied directly to the OP, but the network crapped out, and your post was just the easier one to start over with. That's what I get for being lazy.
While you didn't start it, you continued discussing the OP instead of the topic. "If this works for him and his wife then so be it." is not discussing "How do you keep yourself in check?"
The using of him and his wife was a generalization. Forgive my literary transgression. However, the arguing about it will derail this quicker than mentioning Cheesecake. So I am moving on. :P
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While you didn't start it, you continued discussing the OP instead of the topic. "If this works for him and his wife then so be it." is not discussing "How do you keep yourself in check?"
And here you are continuing it more ;)
As for the original poster's question. I am a horrible liar. So I doubt I could ever deceive a gal into the sack, nor could I lie to my wife after the fact, even by omission.
Why would I have married her if she wasn't my first choice of someone to be with? So cheating on her doesn't come up for me.
married 15 1/2 years
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To be blunt. What stops me from cheating? I never really think about it, Solnes and I have an awesome love life, we happily explore each others fantasies and I really couldn't even want anything more than what I have. So I guess being completely and utterly satisfied with my wife is why I wouldn't cheat.
I recommend every couple be open and honest about what they want, desire, or need. Honesty will keep you honest.
My first girlfriend, my ex-wife, and my first serious girlfriend after my divorce all cheated on me. Its not something I want to inflict on someone else.
And here you are continuing it more ;)
Ya want some of 'dis too? I got plenty for each a' ya! :3
You'll note I didn't respond to his response tho. :P
While you didn't start it, you continued discussing the OP instead of the topic. "If this works for him and his wife then so be it." is not discussing "How do you keep yourself in check?"
Yeah, but it's a relevant tangent. I don't want to draw any analogies for risk of a fight over the analogy instead, but the suggestion that a better solution is a lateral one is relevant.
OT: To look at it in pop economics terms, the remoteness of a more valuable investment is causing you to discount its value, and we know from all that good behavioral economics that people tend to overvalue the more immediate, sure thing, even if it's much less worthwhile.
I think what stops or does not stop others is going to be different for each person.
You asked others what stops them which suggests to me that you are being tempted, but do not wish to give in. Only you can decide what is truly important to you.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Not to sound too hokey "Est sularus oth mithas." I don't break my oaths. Not even Grace Park in my bed could do that.
I was in an open relationship that got a bit too open, then I had my breakdown and I found out there's apparently a mental health clause in the 'in sickness and in health' bit. Honour is all that's kept me alive more than once.
So, like the bard says, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."
Joela, the only advice I can give you is to be strong. Losing what you have for what you think you want is never the answer. Even if it seems like a good idea at the time.
I've seen the movie Fatal Attractions one too many times, and I don't want my pets boiled.
Losing what you have for what you think you want is never the answer. Even if it seems like a good idea at the time.
Kind of reminds me of the dog with a bone looking at his reflection in the stream.
I find an amalgam of much of the above works for me. I take my vows seriously. I was hurt. I picture all sorts of nasty repercussions for cheating. I can add ear hair, a broken nose and facial scars to Aubrey's strategy.
Despite all that, I pray I am never seriously tempted. It would be too easy to fall.
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Not to sound too hokey "Est sularus oth mithas." I don't break my oaths. Not even Grace Park in my bed could do that.
I was in an open relationship that got a bit too open, then I had my breakdown and I found out there's apparently a mental health clause in the 'in sickness and in health' bit. Honour is all that's kept me alive more than once.
So, like the bard says, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."
Joela, the only advice I can give you is to be strong. Losing what you have for what you think you want is never the answer. Even if it seems like a good idea at the time.
WAIT! Grace Park? No one mentioned Grace Park..I may have to re-evaluate the whole cheating thing...
"No honey, I don't know who this Grace Park person is sleeping next to me...Honest"Seriously - just ask yourself thsi question. Do you want your partner cheating on you?
I am increasingly traveling in my job and becoming aware of how easy it is for folks to stray from their marital vows. For those in similar situations, how do you keep yourself in check?
Looking at the actual question asked, I'm going to answer accordingly because I dont think that Joela was asking us to convince HIM not to stray. It was something that he was noticing (in other people?) and asked how we'd deal with it.
I like how damn near everyone jumped to the conclusion that he was the one having a moral crisis and treated him accordingly.
To answer the question: No one knows what they'd actually do in any given situation. We'd like to think that we'd be a paragon of virtue and always do the right thing but that aint always the case.
I'd say that I think about the ramifications of my actions if I got caught and I think about the damage that would do to my loved ones. That's usually enough for me. Also? the very idea that something my look great, you may think that it's going to taste and feel great, but usually your own imagination has got reality beat by a looooooong mile.
I stick with my imagination. Less damage that way.
Ever hear the song, On The Other Hand; by Randy Travis
http://www.bing.com/music/lyrics/detail?q=Randy+Travis+On+The+Other+Hand&am p;songID=73939901-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&lyricsID=T+16305841&a lbumID=63939901-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&pc=LRFD&FORM=DTPMUA
it sums it up pretty well and is direct and to the point. Choices you make define who you are and I suggest everyone sets some limits in thier behavior and stick to them. Each time you violate your boundries; it gets easier to do it again; so it is basically the question of what kind of person do you want to be. Can you imagine the hurt in the eyes of your husband or wife if you do this thing; can you?
There is another song:
http://www.bing.com/music/lyrics/detail?q=Randy+Travis+Hard+Rock+Bottom+Of+ Your+Heart+(Single+Remix+Remastered+Version)&songID=53DF3700-0100-11DB- 89CA-0019B92A3933&lyricsID=T++5620631&albumID=27DF3700-0100-11DB-89 CA-0019B92A3933&pc=LRFD&FORM=DTPMUO
Do you want this experience? I dont; no way; not ever. Key line in here is "I keep waiting for you to forgive me, you say you dont even know how to start" YIKES! I couldnt do this to someone; I couldnt ask for that forgiveness, it would kill me to look into the eyes of my wife and see that hurt that my deed causes and I would have no desire to live with such a deed even if I didnt get caught in my memory; my wife is all I need; my boundry is to be true.
on temptation to wander; if you begin to feel interested in someone else; call your spouse; call a friend; their your support network; play an internet game; anything; do go to places that is likely to happen; take your spouse on trips with you; tell her you miss your spouse a lot and you will; basically, build up your love for your spouse and that will build your resistance to wandering. It could be as simple as not meeeting their eyes.
Get to the place that Moorluck stated and I too feel. Make your spouse the center of you life; go shopping for a little gift for her; or email her a love letter, basically; love your wife. Tried to use the word spouse a lot so anyone can apply this to there partner; but I am a guy and I have a wife; so that is my default.
If you ask yourself; "what did I do to show my wife that I love her today" and you have some good answers; I doubt you will have any issues; but if you cant answer that; you have a duty; so go do something to show your wife you love her and do it every day. EVERY DAY. Be the spouse you would want to be married to.
If all else fails, there's always warm apple pie.
EWWW hehe
Joela, I can't say that I am in your situation, because I do not travel for my job. Were I, though, I would try to focus on the positive points of why my wife and I are together, and take inventory of what I am risking. I, for instance, would note that my wife is my best friend and we have a relationship built on trust and respect, which that would jeopardize if anything came to light; she and I have children, and anything that afects my relationship with my wife could affect my relationship with them. These would probably be enough to dissuade me from straying.
Additionally, active awareness of situations that I allow myself into would be a boon. Several people have also pointed out a support system. I honestly wouldn't see myself using a buddy to keep me in check, etc, unless one approached me and asked that of me. I think a good strategy, though, might be to make sure I call my wife at some point each night.
These are just thoughts I would consider employing myself if I felt that way. I am offering no judgement on you, since I think its commendable to seek feedback from a community you are a part of. As a matter of fact, it's actually pretty awesome that people are discussing this, since some may walk away from the discussion with ideas about how they want to live their lives. :)
Randy
Growing Up Gamers