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Yesterday I moved out. My gf (26) and I (26) have been going through a really bad year (2010) and we've reached the end. I moved out with the understanding that we are trying to fix the relationship, that it's only temporary. But I'm lost, I don't know what to do.
I'll give you a little background.
Up until little over a year ago we were doing good. We were proud parents (our son is 18 months old now), just moved in to a new apartment... life was good.
Then I started to feel disconnected from everything. I became very introverted and got easily pissed off if anything dragged me from my shell. I stayed up late, slept in, didn't help around the house... I was a ghost.
My gf had enough last February (of 2010 that is) and told me that she wanted to postpone our planned marriage indefinitely and was considering leaving me unless I made some drastic changes. We talked things over and decided that I should go see a therapist. I might be depressed.
Well I went and was diagnosed as being bi-polar, or manic-depressive. I immediately started therapy and gain some considerable headway. This summer was fantastic and in October I re-proposed and she said yes.
The trouble started this fall though. I lost my job and as a consequence we lost out apartment and were forced to move in with her mother (not the nicest of ladies). The stress, humiliation of losing my job/apartment strained our relationship and I, little by little slipped into ghost-form.
The depression really hit me and has plagued me seriously since late October. I considered suicide in November, but through some fantastic support I weathered that storm. But the damage was done. We had built a fortress around each other and were emotionally distant. She told me that she can't find within herself the empathy to help me through my ongoing depression, and because of my depression I can't really help her effectively with her panic attacks.
I did manage to land a new job and we moved into a good apartment just in time for Christmas but it was too late.
Like I said, we hope it's only temporary... and we both still consider ourselves in a relationship. But it's hard. Really damn hard. I love her and miss her immensely, not to mention my little boy who asks for me throughout the day.
I'm trying to use the time that I now have to better myself, to show her that I can be the man she fell in love with and not a needy ghost.
But I could really use some help.
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Man, I’m not really sure that I’m qualified to offer advice, but for the sake of your son if nothing else I think it is worth trying to work this out. Have you been to, or considered going to relationship counselling or couples therapy? Also, are you still going to therapy for your depression?
I'm still in therapy yes and we've been once to a therapist together (about two weeks ago). Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely going to do everything in my power to win her back. It's just, hard.
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Yeah man, it is. I think couples relationship counselling can really help – if both parties want it to, and both are trying. Having a good network of people – friends and/or family – who you can speak to honestly and without judgement on their part can really help too. Even if they don’t offer advise, having someone who is willing to listen has gotten me through some really hard times.
Nothing good is easy. Keep workin' on it.
I don't have any specific advice, but I wish you luck.
No real advice other than keep up with the therapy and make time each week to try out some of the advice the therapist gives you. Recovery isn't something you do in the therapist's office; it's something you do on your own but with your therapist's guidance.
Bolded in case you missed it. See that? That is great advice. The therapist will show you the path but you still have to walk it on your own.
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I'm not a therapist, so I don't know that I could offer any meaningful advice, but I will state some observations for what they are worth.
1.) You have stated that you want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend.
2.) You have stated that she wants to be with you.
3.) You have recognized that you have a condition that is inhibiting your relationship, and have sought help with managing it.
It doesn't sound like you and she are trying to force a bad situation. Instead, it sounds like you have reached a major obstacle and both of you want to find a way to overcome it.
It's a rough road, but not a futile venture.
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Like most others, I am not a therapist. The closet thing I have is I worked in a treatment center. However, I do know enough to say that the fact that you are looking for help indicates that you are not to far gone. I would suggest finding someone that you trust that you can talk to face to face about your problems. If you are inclined, then find a religious or spiritual adviser that can help you in addition to your therapist. I will be praying for you and sending good thoughts your way. Hopefully thing will begin to look up for you. I have a brother who is bi-polar so I know how difficult it can be.
The whole situation sucks but you're still better off than some, I haven't had a relationship that has lasted for more than 6 months, ever.
Just keep working at it and keep up with your meds and things have a good chance of working out.
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IMO, my experience with woman shows that, when she wants you out, she wants you out: they take a while to figure if they want you or not (i.e., continue to forgive the man's actions, faults, etc.) but once they've made up their mind that it's over, it's heartfelt, solid and deep. That "wall" as you state, and lack of empathy on her part, is especially telling.
You may want to seek a counselor not only to discuss your current feelings but who'd be willing to explore the above possibility.
It doesn't seem unfixable at this point. I've been combating apathy towards life in general for sometime myself, and am lucky it has only caused issues with my education, rather than someone I love.
Do everything you need to to get out of the depression. Once you're there, do everything you can to win your woman back. But if it is actually over, you'll have to accept it and move on. Try to stay friends, for the sake of your child if nothing else.
Don't kill yourself, no matter how bad it gets. Leaving your child alone in this world without a father would be unforgivable.
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I believe you're on the right track. You see (and acknowledge) the issue and are working to correct it.
It's cheesy, but rent Run, Fatboy, Run (starring Simon Pegg). It's a comedy about a guy that ran on his wedding day and is trying to win back his fiance by competing in a marathon. The wall scene near the end is surprisingly inspirational.
Good luck!
Depression is no joke. I work with mentally ill adults and see a lot of depression on a daily basis. Having someone in your life actually helps a great deal, it provides a sense of a world and responsibilities outside of your own immediate problems, but it can be overwhelming when you end up in a situation where the person may be getting ready to leave you. Work on both problems as best you can, and be gentle with both yourself and her. I know it's hard. But in my experience, you have to able to look depression in the eye and tell it frankly that even though it is a part of your life that you may have to accept, it will not define/control you.
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No real advice other than keep up with the therapy and make time each week to try out some of the advice the therapist gives you.
Bolded in case you missed it. See that? That is great advice. The therapist will show you the path but you still have to walk it on your own.
Made larger in case you STILL missed it. Just in case. It's a very valid point.
If you have not tried medication for bipolar/depressive disorder, start finding a psychiatrist who can help you with that NOW.
Major depressive disorder is a lethal condition, and the fact that you got as far as thinking suicidal thoughts should tell you how important it is that you get effective help.
There are many who believe that all you need to fix these conditions is talk therapy. It's simply not true. These conditions are not normal psychology, but psychopathology. Medication can help you through it, and is provably effective.
Another thing that could be relevant is that you fell away during winter, which could indicate seasonal affective disorder. If so, you need to be aware and careful next year, same time.
Please do not kill yourself. No matter how bad things get, it will get better. You have a child to think of now.
Find a support group. Find someone to keep you engaged when you start to pull away. Loosing your job hits anyone hard. A relationship on the rocks hits anyone hard. Neither of these things, or any of the other things you may feel the urge to lump on the dog pile make you less of a person.
You have value. Remember that. Keep seeing your therapist if you can and find a group. Staying engaged can help you maintain perspective.
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Wow! Thanks, all of you, for your support. It's kinda overwhelming that a group of strangers care so much for another stranger. I'm touched. Really.
As for the situation. I am in therapy, and will take meds if my prescribed cognitive therapy doesn't work. We're still very much friends and we're "together" in that we're both dedicated to fix this. Also don't worry, I don't have any inclination to kill myself.
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I just had to add my 2 cp.
1. Find some fun time just for you. Something that makes you happy.
2. Talk to friends everyday or some support group.
3. Pray.... I don't mean to push religion or anything but it works for
me.
4. Call your son and tell him you LOVE him everyday.... Time will slip
away from you..
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Well, it's over. She couldn't take it anymore and decided to end it. We parted on good terms though, thankfully.
But I've really never not been in a relationship in my adult life. We started dating when I was 18, and now... well at 27 I'm not sure who I am outside the relationship. It came to define me. What can I do?
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Well, it's over. She couldn't take it anymore and decided to end it. We parted on good terms though, thankfully.
But I've really never not been in a relationship in my adult life. We started dating when I was 18, and now... well at 27 I'm not sure who I am outside the relationship. It came to define me. What can I do?
Learn How to Be Alone (and like yourself).
First: Grab some cookbooks (watch Good Eats on Food Network) and learn how to cook. I don't mean this in a silly way either. Learning the basics of cooking a) is great fun and b) will provide you sustenance beyond cereal and pasta. ;)
Second: Don't spend all your time at home. Even if it's just going to the mall and walking around for a while, it's good to get out among people. Sure, you will wind up seeing lovey-dovey couples that will make you pine for companionship, but it's part of life.
Finally: Flirt. Or don't. Look for love. Or don't. Remember, don't jump into anything serious right away, but only you will know when you're ready for something new. One thing I heard is that you should stay out of the "scene" a month for every year you were in your previous relationship.
I spent 5 years in a relationship, it was my first one at age 19. She was my first love. We were bad for each other and for 3 out of the 5 years we didn't like each other, but still loved each other, but we made each other miserable. Eventually we both decided to part ways. I had my issues, she had hers.
Now years later, I occasionally still think of her but my life is better without her. I put my life is in order. I am now married to a great girl and have a wonderful 4 year old.
I say this in knowing that right now it seems REALLY hard. It seems like the road before you is steep and daunting. But know that soo many people find real happiness. You already have a great thing in your life, your child. Focus on him and yourself. Make yourself happy with who you are. When it doesn't hurt as bad there maybe someone else you can let into your life again to begin another fulfilling relationship but you already have a gift that not everyone gets to have, a child of their own in their life.
Stay strong for him/her!
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A little update.
The strangest thing happened yesterday. The first half of the day was a mess, I seriously thought I was getting a nervous breakdown but managed to pull through it and get my ass to my scheduled therapy session. Somewhere between that session, talking a bit to my ex and buying Spiderman: The Gauntlet #1 I somehow accepted the break-up.
Mind you I'm not over her, I miss her like crazy and want her back. But thinking about her doesn't hurt. I can smile when thinking about her.
What I'm going to do then is this: I'm going to win her back. I'm going to give her as much space as she needs, give her some time to miss me all the while be the best damn dad in the universe, build myself up (mentally & physically) and let her see that she can fall in love with me again.
Am I crazy?
Not to barge in or anything, but...
You have recently separated. You are still in the aftershocks of that. My experience generally shows that once a relationship has been interrupted, it is over. Whatever the reason, if one part wants to end it, the reason is good enough. At the very least, a year-long break is required to gain perspective, the same time traditionally given to deal with grief after someone's death.
Don't win her back. Shape up your life. Live the way you'd want to live. Focus on other things, like work, hobbies, make yourself a good life. If you do, good things will come to you, including love.
And perhaps one day, your ex will return. But don't do this for her. Do it for you.
To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
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To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
Man, that just made my day! I know I've gotta live for myself now, and my boy. But I suppose running in the back of my head will be the endgame, to win her back.
Tell me though, did you two date other people in the meantime? If so, how did it feel when she started dating?
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To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
Man, that just made my day! I know I've gotta live for myself now, and my boy. But I suppose running in the back of my head will be the endgame, to win her back.
Tell me though, did you two date other people in the meantime? If so, how did it feel when she started dating?
A bit more advice. Don't - DON'T - make the goal to win her back. Make the goal to get yourself better and to be a great dad. If that results in you getting back with her, that's an extra bonus, but don't try to do those to win her back.
To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
Man, that just made my day! I know I've gotta live for myself now, and my boy. But I suppose running in the back of my head will be the endgame, to win her back.
Tell me though, did you two date other people in the meantime? If so, how did it feel when she started dating?
Happy to help hombre
Neither of us dated, I basically lived like a monk for the 8 months we were apart... eat, slept and trained [although me and the Fantasy channel did have a regular thing going lol]
Seriously I just wanted to lick my wounds and look after me. She was pretty much the same - she socialised alot more, but in retrospect she told me that every guy who was interested was being conciously or subconciously measured against me...
Had it gone longer than a year I might have started dating/going out more, but honestly was just focussed on getting her back... which moved to focussing on me [which made me a better man and a realistic proposition for a second chance]
Regardless you'll always have some kind of relationship through your son, it may turn out like it did for me - it may not. But regardless you'll be a better man, better father [and hopefully better partner] because of this.
I honestly wish you luck with this - and am here should you need an ear :)
A bit more advice. Don't - DON'T - make the goal to win her back. Make the goal to get yourself better and to be a great dad. If that results in you getting back with her, that's an extra bonus, but don't try to do those to win her back.To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
Man, that just made my day! I know I've gotta live for myself now, and my boy. But I suppose running in the back of my head will be the endgame, to win her back.
Tell me though, did you two date other people in the meantime? If so, how did it feel when she started dating?
I tend to agree.
Continue therapy. If you are on medications stick to them - do not fall to the common trap "I feel better now, I don't need them anymore". You probably heard that anyway but it is very important with anything related to depression.
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Another update! (for those still interested)
The good news is that I'm "over" the break up. I decided that I had to pick myself up and continue. And... I think I'm doing pretty good. I actually haven't felt this good in a couple of years. Depression and the toxic atmosphere in the relationship kinda got in the way of that, I see that now.
However, we spend a good amount of time yesterday just talking, about everything... and it felt really good. Not just for me. The atmosphere was light, unstrained and warm. I think we're on a good path here. Going... somewhere, I don't know. Most likely friends. Although neither of us ruled anything out in the future if we're both in better places. Although we also admitted that we'd probably be in other relationships, or thinking about other people in the future.
It felt good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I lost a girlfriend but gained what I think will be one of my best friends.
Thank you all for your support. I really, wholeheartedly mean it. :D
A little background: I was married for twelve years, from 1995 to 2007. I have three school-age children.
I've never had a problem being alone (in fact, I rather enjoy it), but many people struggle with it. If you're one of those people, it's doubly important that you take the time to get to know yourself. It's a cliche, but you can't be in a healthy relationship until you are comfortable with who you are. After that, everything else will fall into place.
Good luck.
P.S. Children can never be told too often that their parents will always love them -- no matter what.
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To offer a different slant I went through something similar about 7 years ago. My gf and I had been together for 8 years, things were going south - my career wasn't developing, that spark was waning and she wanted me to give WAY more effort than I honestly was.
We split up - I got my own place - government housing, set it up right, got focussed and got my head in the game. I looked after myself - learned to cook, learned to enjoy my own company [i'd never really been alone... parents then moving in with her]. Now all the while I missed her like crazy but knew I needed to give her [and me] time to heal, develop and just "be"...
She went on a holiday to New Zealand and bizarrely all the guys who chatted her up were bearded, rough rugby boys - who basically reminded her of me :)
Short version: She came back, we talked, we dated, we eventually got back together, I proposed - she said yes and 6 years on we've just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.
Now my little tale could be the exception to the rule - but you stick in man, don't give up but don't let it consume you either... live a little - you'll both be better for it.
Man, that just made my day! I know I've gotta live for myself now, and my boy. But I suppose running in the back of my head will be the endgame, to win her back.
Tell me though, did you two date other people in the meantime? If so, how did it feel when she started dating?
Happy to help hombre
Neither of us dated, I basically lived like a monk for the 8 months we were apart... eat, slept and trained [although me and the Fantasy channel did have a regular thing going lol]
Seriously I just wanted to lick my wounds and look after me. She was pretty much the same - she socialised alot more, but in retrospect she told me that every guy who was interested was being conciously or subconciously measured against me...
Had it gone longer than a year I might have started dating/going out more, but honestly was just...
I'll take you up one you're offer if it still stands. PM?
This:
4. Call your son and tell him you LOVE him everyday.... Time will slip away from you..
And this:
P.S. Children can never be told too often that their parents will always love them -- no matter what.
It's going on a year and a half since my wife and I separated. The divorce isn't done yet, but it's over. What ISN'T over, and never WILL be, is our son's need for a relationship with BOTH his parents. YOur kid needs you, and just because you're no longer with his mom, doesn't mean you're no longer his dad. You know that, I think. I can't reinforce it enough. Make time for him, spend time WITH him. If at all possible, arrange for him to sleep over, make a space for him in your new place. Make him at home there -- because where you are IS home for him, every bit as much as where mom is. You're still HIS family.
And good luck. I know the pain of separation and of depression. I don't know you, but you're in my prayers.
I'll take you up one you're offer if it still stands. PM?
Absolutely man - you can PM me on: garyhilton99[at]hotmail[dot]com
I'm not claiming to be an expert on this, but will offer whatever advice I can should you want it.
Glad to hear you moving forward and feeling postive - good place to be eh?
Yesterday I moved out. My gf (26) and I (26) have been going through a really bad year (2010) and we've reached the end. I moved out with the understanding that we are trying to fix the relationship, that it's only temporary. But I'm lost, I don't know what to do.
I'll give you a little background.
Up until little over a year ago we were doing good. We were proud parents (our son is 18 months old now), just moved in to a new apartment... life was good.
Then I started to feel disconnected from everything. I became very introverted and got easily pissed off if anything dragged me from my shell. I stayed up late, slept in, didn't help around the house... I was a ghost.
My gf had enough last February (of 2010 that is) and told me that she wanted to postpone our planned marriage indefinitely and was considering leaving me unless I made some drastic changes. We talked things over and decided that I should go see a therapist. I might be depressed.
Well I went and was diagnosed as being bi-polar, or manic-depressive. I immediately started therapy and gain some considerable headway. This summer was fantastic and in October I re-proposed and she said yes.
The trouble started this fall though. I lost my job and as a consequence we lost out apartment and were forced to move in with her mother (not the nicest of ladies). The stress, humiliation of losing my job/apartment strained our relationship and I, little by little slipped into ghost-form.
The depression really hit me and has plagued me seriously since late October. I considered suicide in November, but through some fantastic support I weathered that storm. But the damage was done. We had built a fortress around each other and were emotionally distant. She told me that she can't find within herself the empathy to help me through my ongoing depression, and because of my depression I can't really help her effectively with her panic attacks.
I did manage to land a new job and we moved into a good apartment just in time for Christmas but it was...
I looked through your posts, and its clear to me that your girlfriend was the problem, not you. She has probably already found some other dude to screw over...
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I ended a 6 year relationship with a girl because her family (particularly her dad) hated me. We were apart for about 2 years, after which we got back together. We are now approaching our 5 year wedding anniversary, and have two wonderful kids together. Stuff turns out OK, although this is by no means the only way that it CAN turn out OK.
I gotta tell you, though, the first time I heard that she was with another man was BRUTAL. She called to tell me directly, but my mom ended up fielding the call and relaying the news, which was very, very necessary. That was BRUTAL. I was with a girl (we'll call her girl #2) at the time, had actually just came home with her when the phone rang, and THAT poor girl had to sit around while I cried and literally passed out from sadness over my previous girlfriend.
I gotta tell you, I love my wife 150%, but girl #2 is actually one of the friends I most treasure, because she weathered that day and the humiliation it must have made her feel. She's one of the strongest people I know. Man, I could never do that.
I removed a sexist post and a reply to it.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Well, I've talked about my own issues enough that I won't rehash my history.
My advice, from one comic book geek to another.
In the Judas Contract arc in Teen Titans, Dick Greyson puts up the short pants. In explaining, he tells his friends that he has to find himself and find a name for himself that doesn't start with 'Batman and' Being on your own, take it slow. You're young, and make sure you can be Roac w/o being "And <person>" It's harder because you have a child. But you can get through it.
An inmate told a deputy friend of mine, "The drugs don't make the voices go away, they just allow me to ignore them." A bit ghastly, but it holds true for me (and I'll assume for you) My depression doesn't go away. But I can see it coming and weather the storm.
Best of luck and be strong.
Edit: Two ex-wives here so take what you will.
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Well, I've talked about my own issues enough that I won't rehash my history.
My advice, from one comic book geek to another.
** spoiler omitted **Best of luck and be strong.
Edit: Two ex-wives here so take what you will.
Matthew; not knowing the specifics of your issues I still want to ask: how did you get over them (that is your issues). Feel free to pm me at juliusarna[at]gmail[dot]com if you don't want to discuss it here.
A lot of good solid advice throughout this post. I would like to add my best wishes and. . . . .
As many here have noted - you and your gf both seem to want to salvage the relationship. Nothing is lost until one or both of you give up. There is always hope.
If you aren't on anti-depressants, you should give them a try. I personally don't believe in therapists. I have yet to meet anyone that was 'cured' via a therapist. I have however met numerous people that have regulated themselves via meds and was able to either get past their issues and eventually gotten off the meds or has continued on them but is the happier for it. I am one of them. I went through a horrible divorce 6 years ago and have since been on anti-depressants. Since then my depression has all but disappeared and I have regained my optimistic attitude toward life and once again love life.
I noted several suggested movies above and I'd like to add to that list:
I know this one may sound odd but - Groundhog Day is a must watch. Watch it repeatedly until you truly get what the movie is telling you. It changed my life and anytime I start to head toward that attitude I watch it again to gain perspective. The second movie I'd suggest is - What the Bleep Do We Know!? - it is about quantum physics and their effect on the human psyche. It is fantastic.
Good luck with your journey!
Not to barge in or anything, but...
You have recently separated. You are still in the aftershocks of that. My experience generally shows that once a relationship has been interrupted, it is over. Whatever the reason, if one part wants to end it, the reason is good enough. At the very least, a year-long break is required to gain perspective, the same time traditionally given to deal with grief after someone's death.
Don't win her back. Shape up your life. Live the way you'd want to live. Focus on other things, like work, hobbies, make yourself a good life. If you do, good things will come to you, including love.
And perhaps one day, your ex will return. But don't do this for her. Do it for you.
I just read through this whole thread; and while many great pieces of advice are echoed here.; this is honest, painful truth.
Love is a consequence of who we are, not something we can strive to purposely attain. Love thyself, then love will come to you.
-Idle