I need some funny witticisms for a NPC.
Does anyone have any funny RPG witticisms and quotes ?
Taken from the splat book "Sword and Fist": "Good Sir, you bar me from my sworn duty. Either draw your sword or stand aside!"
And some of my own: "What occurs in the Underdark, remains in the Underdark", last words of Lady Anastasia, Aasimar Paladin.
"It's 'cos I'm small, in'it?! Well, I'll show them!", last words of Skye Appledimple, Gnome Barbarian.
"They shall fall", last words of Nephis Jacerryl, Thayan Knight (squaring of 3 Dracoliches. Alone).
"They won't notice my movements", last words of Lilypad Merrytopple, Halfling Spy.
"I am at least twice as powerful as thier spellcaster", last words of Ara'deth, Drow Sorceress.
"Stand and deliver!", last words of Captain Hacathra Seabreeze, Pirate/Highwayman (speaking to a succubus desguised as a noblewoman).
"I wonder what this does..."
famous quotes in my game:
"because I am a simpleton" hehe, the reason a pc could not answer any questions while being threat questioned by a powerful npc; a very intense rp session that when this was expoused; left the gm speachless with him mouth still open; my players still laugh about this.
"I got your back" hehe; a famous quote that continually pops up when a pc says he is gonna back you up but you KNOW that he will not do a darn thing.
"As last we left off *intrepid* adventures were..." this is how I start off every game session and have for nearly 30 years. The word between the * * changes depending on how the pc are acting like intimid, cautious; reckless, ect. When you make it a note to do something like this; it does two things: first it quites the side chatter and lets players know your starting; and secondly, it is kind of like the E.F. Hutton commercial as pc's lean forward and look at youi expectantly awaiting to hear what word will be between the * *; good for a laugh or a chagrin look hehe.
one of my favorite quotes is good for a conivier; scammer or bluffer who when asked a questions replies " ah, therein lies the story " then launches into a diatribe about why things must reasonably go the way he wants. Aahz says this a lot in Robert Asprins books about a young wizard.
"If you trust her to keep a promise like that, I have this castle in Greyhawk I'd like to sell you."
(If you're interested in the context in which that quote was spoken, I posted a long story about it here.)
Also, when a half-orc barbarian PC wanted to pacify an evil wizard NPC, who was distracted facing an angry mob, the half-orc went up to the wizard to try to intimidate him. The player rolled well. I RPed this by slowly turning to the player, pretending I was the wizard who had been facing the mob and was now turning to the PC.
I said: "All right, buddy, you wanna get rou-...? I mean, how can I help you, sir?"
"I'll give you one last chance to knock it off." From a PC to a commoner before the commoner rolls a natural 20 and drops the PC Bard to 0 HP.
"Any man can walk through s4!t, but it takes a God to rise above it," wizard casting levitate in a sewer.
"I don't want to die alone. I wake up Todd," from the guy on watch that notices a bodak. My character died the next round.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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Collected quotes from a long-running Pirates of the Caribbean & Serenity/Firefly-themed 3.5 D&D Iron Kingdoms/Ebberon/SpellJammer game which I ran.
My friend Dusty played the Captain.
Dave: "Wait, your robot's name is 'Apple'?"
Kyle: "No, I think you just always call him 'apple'."
Dusty: "For the last time, he's a Warforged Juggernaut, his name is Apollorax, and he outranks you on this ship."
Dave: " ... we have a robot butler named Apple?"
Dusty: "Where is the prisoner?"
J.B.: "Uh, yeah, he ... died."
Chris: "Trying to escape."
Dusty: "Into SPACE?"
J.B.: " ... yeah. Made a run for it."
Chris: "He didn't make it very far."
Mr. Hubris: "Well, this is pleasant."
Kyle: "For you, perhaps."
Mr. Hubris: " ... I wasn't talking to you."
Dave: "F*** this, let's kill him."
Kyle: "You two - seppuku contest! Right now! Your Emperor commands it!"
Corey: "Can you botch Pilot rolls?"
Dave: "No, it's a skill check. You rolled a one?"
Corey: "Yeah. Boomer, I got a thirty-nine."
All: (spit takes)
Boomer: "... Wow, you ARE a good pilot."
Kyle: "All right, that's it - I'm inviting this mother-f***er to DINNER."
Sam: "Oh, Lord. We need to TALK to him, not kill him."
Dave: "You guys kill everyone you have dinner with?"
Corey: "Statistically, yes."
Davian Kash: "RrrrraaaagghhhhaaaAAAA!"
Corey: "That's it, I'm out - I don't even need this job."
Sam: "Did you just rip his soul out of his body through his face?"
Kyle: "Only I would wield such power - only I would dare."
Dave: "Run, you idiot!"
Sam: "No! I'm staying!"
Dave: "If you die too, who will avenge me?"
Sam: "How about Kyle?"
Dave: "No, f*** him. He sucks. I want YOU to avenge me."
Dave: (gurgling blood) "Remember . . . "
Sam: "God, that's creepy. I'm gonna wake up hearing that for months."
Corey: "Yeah, I'm glad I'm not there. The last thing I need is nightmares of Dave's dying words."
Corey: "So where's the captain?"
Kyle: "Probably negotiating the trade of our ship for magic beans."
Sam: "Hope he gets enough for all of us."
Kyle: "And once your ship is completed, where will you go?"
Arrin: "Why, wherever we please, of course."
Dave: (whispered) "I want to kill this guy."
Kyle: (whispered) "If you think you can do it in six seconds or less, be my guest."
Corey: (whispered) "Give her the baby."
Jen: "Oh, my Jesus-F***, you're a monster! She's a demon-queen!"
Corey: "Come on. Give her the kid."
Kyle: "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."
Corey: "Pretend whatever you want - but you should give her the baby. It solves, like, eight different problems."
All: "Dave, NO!
Sam: "Dammit, stand down! This is what he wants you to do! He's goading you into a fight!"
Dave: "Well, f*** him. I should kill him for trying to trick me like that - I rage and Power Attack."
Graz'zt: "I don't trust you. I hope the feeling is mutual."
Dusty: "Oh, trust me, it is."
Dave: "Demogorgon & the Abyssals - tonight only at the Civic Center!"
Kyle: "Wait, why are we doing this again?"
Dusty: "Because I said so."
Corey: "Great reasoning."
Dusty: "Fine. Because I'm the captain, and I said so."
Dave: "I'll just go heat this up, then."
Jen: "Oh my God - he's the COOK!?! He's a lizard monster!"
Dusty: "Yeah ... but he fights like hell."
Kyle: "I will bring peace to this system, so help me god, if I have to personally kill every Human & Halfling on every world, one at a time."
Corey: "I'm in."
Dusty: "I think he was kidding."
Corey: "I wasn't."
Kyle: "Neither was I."
Sam: "In that case, count me in, too."
Sam: "To my knowledge, nothing like this has ever been tried before. Ever."
Dusty: "Oh."
Sam: "No, that's a good thing. I'm really excited about it."
Dusty: "Don't tell Kyle that I said this, but if any of you find anything cool, take it."
Kyle: "If any of you steal anything, I am f***ing leaving you here."
Sam: "Don't worry about me, man - I saw Aladdin. Touch nothing but the lamp."
Dusty: "Well, I think we got out of that scott-free."
Corey: "You're an idiot."
Dusty: "I mean, you know, MOSTLY scott-free."
Kyle: "Are you f***ing insane?"
Dusty: "Fine. At least I got out of that scott-free."
Dave: "Me too. Good job, Captain."
Dusty: "Thank you, Dave."
Dave: (to Kyle) "Tell me that he's not throwing loose change at the bard."
Dusty: "I'm not."
Kyle: "Because there ARE no bards in this game. He's throwing coins at the Expert with ranks in Perform."
Dusty: "I don't like his act."
Dave: "There is no reason to be hostile. We need not be enemies."
The Demon-Lady of Change: "You struck me with your club."
Dave: "Oh."
Kyle: "She remembers. Kill her!"
Dusty: "Wait ... Arch-Cardinals aren't supposed to have daughters!"
Kyle: "Oh, you figured that out NOW!"
Dave: "That guy was an Arch-Cardinal? Oh, this makes SO much more sense now."
Kyle: "Fu-- ga-- DA-- ARG!"
"I'll give you one last chance to knock it off." From a PC to a commoner before the commoner rolls a natural 20 and drops the PC Bard to 0 HP.
Yes, that's why in most D&D sessions, it pays to swing your sword first and try diplomacy later.
- The last words of one of my pc-players, in the first session of a new campaign:"Don't worry, nobody dies on the first encounter!"
I can't give the exact quote, but I remember a player once saying something like "We finished the final boss, right? The rest of the encounters should be easier than that."
I mentioned to him a recent adventure (that he hadn't played), in which the party killed the BBEG, went on to clean up the rest of the dungeon, and got charged by some "lesser" monsters who killed the party's main fighter.
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An Urban Druid during a particularly brutal interrogation:
OOC: I break his knee cap and say
IC: "Who sent you!?"
Me(DM): The hobgoblin screams in agony, "I thought you adventurer types had codes of honour to uphold."
Urban Druid: "My character sheet says Neutral, not nice."
...
Me(DM again): "Okay the dragon has grabbed you in its claws right off the deck of the flying ship and is soaring off with you. It has you right where it wants you."
Trapper Dundee (Shifter Ranger): "That's that it thinks. I tie myself to the dragon."
DM: What?
Trapper Dundee: "I'd hate for him to get away. I then draw both my weapons as free actions and begin slicing him like a ham dinner."
DM: You realise if the dragon dies you'll fall with him.
Trapper: No problem my friends will think of something before I plummet to my doom.
McGirk of McGirk (Dwarf Monk): "He's doomed."
(He did manage to survive that fall thanks to Beta rules and a cleric with the travel domain)
...
Me (Val Halen Viking Cleric of Thor, god of Thunder and Rock and Roll): Okay we need to get into that warehouse. I steal a horse and ride casually in front of the warehouse. I casually say to the guards - "Verily how art thou today most gnarly fellows?"
DM (the player of Trapper Dundee): "Good enough. At least the weather is pleasant."
Me: "I DISAGREE!" I then call lightning on them!
...
Female player enjoying Merisiel the Elf Rogue: "I rapier him from behind."
Me (DM): "Rapier is not a verb."
Merisiel: "It is the way I do it, max sneak attack damage!"
Me (DM): *Checks notes*... "You rapier him from behind so hard his grandparents retroactively walked with a limp."
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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Female player enjoying Merisiel the Elf Rogue: "I rapier him from behind."
Me (DM): "Rapier is not a verb."
Merisiel: "It is the way I do it, max sneak attack damage!"
Me (DM): *Checks notes*... "You rapier him from behind so hard his grandparents retroactively walked with a limp."
A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -*gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
I peed a little.
Female player enjoying Merisiel the Elf Rogue: "I rapier him from behind."
Me (DM): "Rapier is not a verb."
Merisiel: "It is the way I do it, max sneak attack damage!"
Me (DM): *Checks notes*... "You rapier him from behind so hard his grandparents retroactively walked with a limp."
A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -*gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
+1.
"I'll give you one last chance to knock it off." From a PC to a commoner before the commoner rolls a natural 20 and drops the PC Bard to 0 HP.Yes, that's why in most D&D sessions, it pays to swing your sword first and try diplomacy later.
Sadly, that was after round 3 of PC whiff, Commoner whiff.
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My player's favorite line, which started with one player and spread to all 4 gradually. IT goes something like this:
"Dear [sir/madam], is that a challenge?"
This has the added benefit of being an inside joke, an adventure seed and a group quirk that can spread through the world. Lot's of laughs and fun.
Captain of the guard about a prisoner: Why is he pissing blood? I told you not to kill him.
Me: I danced on his kidneys... non-letheally, he'll live, I got tired of his talking. Relax it was an unarmed strike so I couldn't possibly have killed him.
Captain of the guard: For how long?
Me: Oh about 3 hours? I didn't want him to wake up.
Mr. Fishy's trollop said this to a Night Hag...
"You should have had better guards and we wouldn't have killed so many of them." She was the sorcerer with a 20 cha...Mr. Fishy was playing a cleric, Mr. Fishy chimed in with a face palm. We some how walked out of there without a fight.
Dwarf to a elf: Please try to rise above being an elf.
Dwarf: I agree with the elf errk, I think I just threw up a little.
Rogue to Paladin: At least I'm honest about being a thief. You're a murderer.
Rogue: So if "god" tells me to steal it's OK.
Rogue:God totally ask me to rob the hell out of the jeweler...and the treasury.
Rogue: WHAT!?! I testing the defenses in case some thieves sneak in here and steal your stuff.
Rogue: He was dead and pennyless when I got here!
Fighter: I pretty much just hit people.
Commoner: Look you adventure types are OK but...
Commoner: Thanks for coming in boyz...[deliver with as much sarcasm as possible]
Fighter: I want a hummer and a burrito.
Cleric: Walk it off, I'm busy.
Cleric: It's not that bad. Stop being such a woman.
Wizard: What? I said fire in the hole.
Assassin: Aim to please, shoot to kill.
Assassin: You wait...
Anyone: I'm going to the Temple of Calistria to, worship. Don't wait up.
Cleric: Watch the sorcerer she steals.
Sorcerer: What they're dead they don't need it.
Fighter: I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIEND! [then charge]
Rogue: "I pre-emptively loot all the bodies"
Rogue: "Ok, so I'll sneak in and..."
Warmage: "F it. This is taking too long. I cast a Sudden Maximized, Empowered Sonic Fireball and kill everything in that room."
Party: *mouths agape*
Paladin in a random church: "Are you my god?" (He has amnesia)
Paladin in a random church: "Are you my god?" (He has amnesia)
Rogue: Yes, Yes I am, and your God needs to get paid.
Wizard: Duck or fry.
Rogue: He was dead when I got here...What? He was.
Rogue: You gave me a alchemist fire, what did you think would happen?
Cleric: Burn you undead bastard.
Cleric: HEAL BOMB!
Rogue: I checked for traps there are any...but I'm not strong enough to lift this (item in question).
Fighter: I'm not falling for that again.
Goblin: This is my pet rust monster fluffy.