KARDAM, THE BURNING KHAN
male human barbarian 11
Description:
Kardam is an imposing man - standing over six feet tall, his muscular frame is chiseled by years of rigorous training and nomadic life.
The visage of the khan is striking - numerous ruby shards are embedded in the left half of his face, with a larger shard replacing the left eye. This "eye" constantly drips a liquid reminiscent of molten metal; when this liquid touches the ground, it bursts into small flames and disappears.
Kardam's tanned skin bears many scars, some of them turned into elements of elaborate tattoos. The khan wears furs of fierce predators, and albeit simple, his garments hint at skill in the battlefield.
Motivations/Goals:
As a part of the rite of ascension to the throne, Kardam had to leave the khanate on a sacred quest. Lusting after power, he set out to find Ember Dust - the fabled sage of the steppes. The heir disappeared without a trace for two years, and everyone thought him dead. When he returned, the khanate trembled - what stood before the nomads was a being of beastly strength and otherworldly intellect, leaving a burning trail.
Kardam struck fear in the hearts of his people, convincing them that Ember Dust cursed the khanate to slowly dissolve and decay. The day the liquid stops pouring out of the khan's eye would mark the khanate's end, and the only way to stall the curse would be conquest and bloodshed. Now the nomads rally around him, persuaded that they defend their right to exist.
Kardam is thoroughly convinced that he is defending his khanate, but in reality his mind was poisoned by a devil that impersonated the wandering sage. While Kardam intends to preserve his people, he also tasted power - and his tainted soul likes it. Bent on fending off the curse, he lead the khanate to bloody victories over several settlements, and has no intention of stopping.
Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks:
Though powerful himself, Kardam governs a khanate of moderate size. Once word spreads among nomads, the number of warriors will swell quickly.
Hell-bent: Growing more confident with his leadership and grip of the khanate, Kardam plans an all out attack on a nearby city. He is the new menace civilized settlements near the steppes whisper about, and it is a matter of weeks to see which city will fall prey to the burning khan. Adventurers in these locales will undoubtedly hear tales of his bloody, cunning exploits.
Ember Dust: The real sage still wanders the steppes. Ironically, he could be key to stopping Kardam's savagery. Ember Dust knows that there is a devil posing as him, and knows the creature's tricks well. While he knows how to destroy the shards in the khan's face - the source of the unholy power and influence - Ember Dust is far too detached from the civilized world to care. The adventurers will struggle to convince him to share his knowledge.
KARDAM, THE BURNING KHAN CR 11
NE Medium humanoid
Init +8 ; Senses darkvision 60ft.; Perception +10
===== Defense =====
AC 19, touch 14, flat-footed 15
hp 130 (11d12+33)
Fort 10 , Ref 7 , Will 4
Defensive Abilities Resistances: acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10, and fire 10 ; DR 2/- , 5/magic ; Immune poison; SR 21
===== Offense =====
Spd 40 ft.
Melee +2 unholy morningstar +16/+11/+6 (1d8+6/x2 bludgeoning or piercing)
Ranged flaming tears +16/+11/+6 (30ft., 1d6+4/x2 fire)
Special Attacks Mighty Swing, Powerful Blow, Surprise Accuracy, Unexpected Strike
===== Tactics =====
Before Combat Kardam usually disguises his glamered elven chain as a simple layer of predator hides.
During Combat Thoroughly arrogant and convinced of his power, Kardam relies on the overwhelming power of the khanate horde and his own abilities as a tactician. Unusually for a barbarian, he hesitates to use his rage immediately - fearing that he will lose grip of his own intelligence. However, he will not hesitate to use it if cornered or outnumbered. Before engaging in melee combat he tries to wound his adversaries with a few of his own "tears", catching the liquid mid-air with his free hand and throwing it to a nearby enemy.
Base Statistics - Raged
AC 17; hp 155; Fort 10, Ref 7, Will 7; Str 25,Dex 18, Con 23, Int 16, Wis 12, Cha 10
===== Statistics =====
Str 19 , Dex 18 , Con 17 , Int 16 , Wis 12, , Cha 10
Base Atk +11/+6/+1; CMB +15
Feats Combat Expertise, Dodge, Improved Initiative, Mobility, Mounted Combat, Spring Attack, Whirlwind Attack
Skills Acrobatics +12 , Climb +10 Craft (weaponsmith) +7 , Handle Animal +10 , Intimidate +10 , Knowledge (nature) +6 , Perception +10 , Survival +8 , Swim +5
Languages Common, Infernal, Draconic
SQ damage reduction 2/-, fast movement, improved uncanny dodge, trap sense +3
Gear +2 unholy morningstar, glamered elven chainmail, the infernal fragments, potion of cure moderate wounds (x2), simple hide garments, coins worth 150 gp
===== Special Abilities =====
Damage Reduction (Ex): At 11th level, Kardam has damage reduction 2/-. Subtract 2 from the damage Kardam takes each time he is dealt damage from a weapon or a natural attack.
Greater Rage (Ex): If Kardam is forced to enter rage, he usually chooses to enter a greater rage. The bonuses have already been noted in the Base Statistics - Raged section above. Kardam must spend 2 rage points to enter greater rage, and must expend 2 rage points per round to maintain his rage.
Improved Uncanny Dodge (Ex): Kardam can not be flanked. This defense denies a rogue the ability to sneak attack Kardam by flanking him, unless the attacker has at least four more rogue levels than Kardam - barbarian levels.
Rage (Ex): Kardam can call upon his inner reserves of strength and ferocity for additional combat prowess. His statistics while raging are noted above. At 11th level, he has 57 rage points. His chosen rage powers are:
- Clear Mind (Su)
- Mighty Swing (Ex)
- Powerful Blow (Ex)
- Surprise Accuracy (Ex)
- Unexpected Strike (Ex)
Trap Sense (Ex): At 11th level, Kardam gains a +3 bonus on Reflex saves made to avoid traps and a +3 dodge bonus to AC against attacks made by traps.
The Infernal Fragments
Aura strong transmutation; CL 20th
Slot none; Price — (major artifact); Weight —.
===== Description =====
The infernal fragments are a special “gift” from the insidious devil outcast Hagath, who prophesied the arrival of the young khan Kardam. Utilizing these fragments requires a painful, forced procedure of grafting the ruby pieces into the face and emptied eye socket of the user. A successful grafting demands several hours with a helpless target.
Once in place, the ruby shards bestow a significant portion of Hagath's strengths to the wielder – at the expense of twisting his very soul. The shards grant the wearer some of the powers of a half fiend, namely:
- Darkvision out to 60 feet.
- Immunity to poison.
- Resistance to acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10, and fire 10.
- Damage reduction: 5/magic (if HD 11 or less) or 10/magic (if HD 12 or more).
- Spell resistance equal to creature’s HD + 10 (maximum 35).
- An increase of ability scores of the base creature as follows: Str +4, Dex +4, Con +2, Int +4, Cha +2.
The major fragment serves as a viable replacement eye. It also permanently drips volatile liquid from the Abyssal river Izhar. The liquid bursts into flames seconds after it touches a sold, non-fire resistant surface, dealing 1d6+4 fire damage.
===== Destruction =====
The infernal fragments can only be destroyed by striking the largest shard with the argent spike, possession of the wandering sage Ember Dust.
Director of Games
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Taking a look at the Burning Khan here, I like the background as it makes for a interesting motivation behind the "barbarian horde attacks" type storyline. That said, I think it would have been nice to learn a bit more about the fiend behind the Khan. What are its goals and motivations. I am assuming it does not go around giving out artifacts on a whim.
Moving on the the stat block, the first thing that catches me off guard here is that he is not assumed to be raging. Normally, this would be the default, with him not in rage listed as the Base Statistics. Here it is reversed. His AC is a bit low for a CR 11 villain (although he is a barbarian, so this is not a huge deal), and his hit points are incorrectly calculated (they should be 110 as a base). Uncanny Dodge and Trap Sense should be listed in defenses and DR is repeated three times (once in defenses, once in SQ, and then again in special abilities). His attack bonus should be +17/+12/+7 and the flaming tears should be +15/+10/+5 (and how these work should be described somewhere, they are only marginally noted in the artifacts description). The statistics for his rage are not complete, and do not include adjusted attack modifiers, CMB, or skills. Kardam's Int is 2 higher than it should be. He spent the correct number of skill points, although he does not apply the class skill bonuses or the ACP to all of the correct skills and he has more skill points in Ride than are allowed. Finally, I am not sure that favored class bonuses are applied to Kardam in any way.
Moving on, the artifact here is another example of a rule that wants to be a template (which I can understand, since we did not allow new templates). This being an artifact leads me to think this is probably ok, but it is awfully powerful and is probably worth a CR adjustment (as it certainly would if it were a template). It would have been interesting to see some drawbacks built in as well, such as an alignment shift, but this is more of a style choice than anything. It would have also been nice to see how the tears work, and how they can be thrown (it should be described here instead of being cribbed into the stat block above).
The backstory here is fine, but the rules need some work. I would have to rebuild a large portion of this stat block if I were using it in an adventure.
My Grade (on a 1-10 scale) is a 2.
Jason Bulmahn
Lead Designer
Paizo Publishing
Kobold Press
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The stats and all come to 1300 words, which seems low, even for a simple villain such as a barbarian.
I was halted in my tracks by a number of things, from the "not raging" default to the relatively low saving throw numbers to the overall sense that he's a barbarian trying not to be a barbarian. Surely his rage is his greatest weapon? If he has a lot of followers in his horde, perhaps that would be worth detailing in a list of some kind (ie, 10 hill giant bodyguards or 10 7th level barbarian khans). He has mounted combat as well, but there's no mention of what sort of warbeast he rides.
For the shards artifact, leaning on the half-fiend abilities just seems sort of lazy, a way of dodging the template restrictions. I was hoping for some original powers and flavor; "See half-fiend" doesn't make me think Superstar potential.
The overall sense is that there's not a complete mastery of the mechanical elements, or that the villain's strategy hasn't been entirely thought through.
Recommendation: Not recommended.
Vladislav, you didn't even bother to edit a word of your villain as far as I can see. I think that is a big mistake. This guy had some concept issues even last round. I think you missed an opportunity to improve him. Geez, not even a word needed to be changed to improve him? Hmmm. I wasnt the biggest fan of the khan, but the voters spoke and now I dont hold any of my prior comments against you. But that said, basically unless your villain was an albino otyugh all the rest had room for improvement, and you didnt do that. I'm a bit disappointed. I mean, you had comments from me, Wolf, Sean and Ed Greenwood. Certainly between the four of us there has to be something you could take an use. Apparently not.
So lets see what we did get from you...
I strongly agree with Jason and Wolfgang. I cant detail that stuff any better than they can.
And on top of that I am underwhelmed by the shards. Really, the evocative nature of the shards was one of the strong points of your prior submission. The liquid from the eye, etc. But none of that even comes out in the eye's rules text, really (sure its in the last sentence but its just FX; it has nothing really to do with the powers of the shards, its not tied to its use, it has no seeming drawbacks, its just special effects). The dripping liquid seems like a tacked on afterthought that you had to add because you had written the the eye drips fluid. So essentially, you failed to improve the parts that needed improvement and you failed to capitalize on the stuff that made your villain cool.
I dont recommend the khan to advance.
Stat Block:
I like the SYM stuff in a diff color, as I mentioned for another villain.
I assume that "base 7" in the Fort and other entries means "+7 barbarian."
Gear isn't italicized.
Rule Element:
I always feel a little bit ripped off when someone writes a new magic item as an artifact; it's basically saying "I'm not going to worry about pricing this" plus "the PCs can never make an equivalent item." Especially when the item does things that already exist in other magic items; you could have built and priced this with the normal rules.
It doesn't say how the item "twists the user's soul." If the PCs get their hands on this, what happens to them?
Also, this item is really a "template in a can," sort of a way to bypass the "no templates" Part 3 restriction.
Rec: do not advance.
Disclaimer: I know nothing about the Pathfinder game, and would not have any way of judging whether the stat block is any good or not, so I confess to not having read it.
Having said which, I voted for Kardam last round, and see no reason to change that this round.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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I liked Kardam enough to vote for him last round, and I still like the villain concept and story. The mechanical elements are not great, and I would agree with the above guys that it's a bit of a cheat to make your "new rules element" an artifact. The template thing is not that big of a deal to me, since the rules didn't stipulate no templates, they stipulated that you couldn't make up a new template as your rules element, but it's also not exactly inspiring design.
I still like Kardam pretty well, but if I only have 3 votes out of 17 entries, I don't think he's gonna make it on my list.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Disclaimer: I know nothing about the Pathfinder game, and would not have any way of judging whether the stat block is any good or not, so I confess to not having read it.
That's like determining who won a baseball game without keeping score or even knowing the rules. This round is about building a statblock, but you ignored that part? Seems a bit irresponsible, no?
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while i understand he wants to lead... why does he controls himself... he has the khanate to protect him... he is a devious fighter and more improtantly he has the river of abyss flowing through his body... why does he carehe kill a few of his men...
when the khan attacks everyone should move... not use it as a "when i am cornered i will really figh" clause...
lets hope to see his lair... i really want to see a description of the khanate.
A real man's opponent. Barbarian baby! A Mongol with an artifact, now that's a problem that says "hide the women and kids." Not sure why the rest of the judges are so down on him. Sure, his weird eye is an artifact and an "exception" - but those who wrote Rise of the Runelords should not cast stones, as Runelord Kharzoug there had all kinds of "special" stuff no one else can get. When it comes down to it I'd use this guy in a campaign before I'd use 3/4 of the other entries. 7/10 and one of my votes.
You grabbed my fourth vote last round, but the competition does get tougher...I have to agree with the judges, some work on last round's submission should have been made, and the artifact is a bit underwhelming.
Oh, and need for proofreading starts to become obvious...I hate to pick on English-as-second-language texts because I write them myself but still.
First entry I read so cannot comment on votes yet but my guess/hope is others will show more improvement. Still a good concept though and I might do something with it...
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I had reservations about this in the last round, and it was confermed in this round. Not really worth it. Murky background, and all the other things mentioned. And i am not fond of your template, way over the top. and at 1300 words, there was plenty of room for improvement without even breaking a sweat. Drop 500 words on this guys aunterage or something. he is just to vinilla, even with the cherry thing in his eye.
I thank the judges for their comments and encourage anyone that sees Kardam as a good addition to his own game to vote for him!
I confess I had personal issues that prevented me to do my best in this round, and I had a different vision on how I would present the villain.
All I can do now is promise a definite improvement in the next round (I have time on my hands now and can prepare accordingly) and thank heartily anyone that votes the Burning Khan!
A leader of a horde with no Leadership feat? A barbarian that doesn't use his rage? And an artifact that gives him a template that should probably have been put on him in the first place?
Other quibbles ... no changes on write up from the first round. Magic items in write up should be italicized. No Morale in the Tactics section (so our non-raging boy will eventually rage and die? Short villain life). Skills seem off ... 77 ranks spent, no note of where his bonus +3s are, but 13 ranks listed in Ride ...
Last round I felt this was just a magic added Ghengis/Khubla Khan. This round he didn't really improve, and in fact seems less able than he should be.
Sorry.
Last round I felt this was just a magic added Ghengis/Khubla Khan. This round he didn't really improve, and in fact seems less able than he should be.
Actually, a "Genghis Khan" adapted for a magical setting could have been very, very cool.
Yes, he would start as a Barbarian, but you often point out that he “does not like to rage,” So should not his later level have been taken as Fighter or even Ranger?
From a concept standpoint, if Kardam was already being groomed for “ascension to the throne” should he not have spent points on skills such as Diplomacy, Perform (Oratory), and Sense Motive? Why does he have “Craft (Weaponsmith), Swim, and such high ranks in Acrobatics? (B.T.W., Craft is based on Int not Dex.)
Likewise, since he speaks Infernal, should he not also have picked up some ranks in either Knowledge (Religion) or Knowledge (Planes)?
Also, Leadership would have been a good buy for this character. While it is true that NPCs don't "need" it, remember that the Cohort and followers that you gain from it, do not count against your CR (just like the Druid's Companion or a Summoned Creature).
Alas, this round was supposed to be about Rules Knowledge and Implementation. Your write up contains numerous errors which adds up to a big negative here.
Trying to end-run the "No Template" restriction with your Artifact is also a big negative here.
Even without the artifact the gear comes in at a total appropriate to an NPC four levels higher so I'm prepared to assume that the CR of 11 for a character with 11 class levels is a result of the much higher gear allowance.
I believe that's correct. It was noted in other threads that you can outfit an NPC as a PC at the cost of +1 to the CR. It was also noted that PC classes don't count 1-for-1 with the CR. However, right now I can't find the reference page for either one. I'm inclined to assume that the gear is correct.
Between my 3rd ed experience (I JUST stoped playing 3e), my currently learning 3.5 (I JUST converted to 3.5), and reading the new pathfinder rules, my brain is fried. Sorry I can't find the reference.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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I'm still happy to see a conquering barbarian entry, but the stat block has dragged down the entry. I'm fairly unhappy to see a template-in-an-item. The criticisms that it should raise the CR are correct, and although we don't see the CR math (an error), I suspect they were not counted. The many small errors do not help.
I like the concept of a barbarian who holds off on rage. It's underused in D&D, despite being a classic in fantasy and science fiction literature. That's something in the entry I'd hold on to. I may be biased - my sahuaguin villain of last year avoided his frenzy ability (in his case a racial ability).
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Disclaimer: I know nothing about the Pathfinder game, and would not have any way of judging whether the stat block is any good or not, so I confess to not having read it.That's like determining who won a baseball game without keeping score or even knowing the rules. This round is about building a statblock, but you ignored that part? Seems a bit irresponsible, no?
This round is about a lot of things: encounter design, tactics, understanding the stat block and presentation, growth from last round.
I don't think Kardam does any of those things well, though. I'd say don't vote for him for any number of reasons.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Congratulations on Superstar '09 Top 16!
Growth
In round 2, I thought Kardam was not written tightly. What happened to him during those two years? A devil poisoned his mind? Again, the real villain is whatever manipulates the Khan. The second plot hook is more inspired than the first, but still doesn't lead us anywhere, since we don't know anything about the sage to begin with. I was unimpressed with Kardam and it looks to me like you haven't changed a single word.
Mechanics
-Kardam is an easily killed CR 9.
-Why are his hit points 130 instead of 110? Also, it would be nice to include his raging stats in the block.
-I get +17+12+7 for his attacks with the morning star, and at CR 9 or 11 I am not really scared of that. Damage output is far from significant, and use of rage abilities to augment that can only be done once per turn as swift actions. So once per turn, he gets no bonus to hit for respectable damage, or no bonus to damage for a likely hit. Meanwhile, a PC fighter will roll him.
-Flaming tears should be in italics, unless they're not magical flaming tears. Also, the flaming tears shouldn't have iterative attacks.
-The stuff about glamering his armor doesn't really belong in tactics. It's fair fluff, but isn't really preparation for combat.
-Kardam has Clear Mind, but he won't rage cause he'll lose his own intelligence?
-This is a criticism of Kardam and his design, not of you. But Kardam is the most boring and least capable barbarian I have ever seen. He isn't very good in combat for his CR (of 9), and any variation from his boring barbarian build is wholly dependant on the addition of a poorly designed, poorly explained magic item. It wouldn't be reaching to build a human sorcerer who would own him in melee combat. Every design choice made for him screams "I didn't care to make him an interesting encounter". Rather than working this one til the last few minutes and driving it down to the store, you mailed it in early and didn't gve it any thought. How about items and feats that show some synergy with the exciting new rage pool rules (Power Attack and Surprising Accuracy are awesome together)? How about some tactics other than "He tries not to rage and then does.".
-He is heavily invested in Mobility, Spring Attack, Whirlwind Attack, and they are not listed as tactics he favors, and he is not described as bounding from one part of the battlefield to the other, aiding his barbarian horde with powerful blows in crucial places. He has five different barbarian rage abilities to spend his pool on, but none are listed in tactics.
-No magic items are italicized
-We aren't told when he dons the shards, so I don't know when to apply his Int increase. Your Int line says this: "Int 16 [base 12, +2 fragments]". You spend 11 more skill ranks than your base Int suggests, so he apparently gained the shard at first level, but never really made it to 16 Int. Skils are also a mess, with multiple errors in maximum skill ranks or class skill bonuses or armor check penalties.
New Hotness
The Infernal Fragments are as unimaginatively named as anything else in role-playing. Why not wrathstones or bloodstone tears? The name and the barbarian build tells me I'm not going to see anything special here. Your item is infused with mediocre backstory, and then makes a really weird design choice: it gives "some" of the properties of a half-fiend. It relies on an undescribed devil to incapacitate a human barbarian for hours. Then the devil gives it molten flames from a river in the Abyss, which is also incongruous. Finally, you include that the shards can only be destroyed by such and such. Does that mean the wearer can't die. If so, that's pretty poor design, but then you include the real sage in the mix, alluding to him previously as they way Kardam can be stopped. This is poor Wondrous Item design, and poor artifact design.
Overall
I didn't get his last round, and this round I think he took a big step down, revelaing that you need more experience in character building and encounter design.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Sorry I didn't get to your entry until after the voting, but I did skim it earlier before the vote. I really liked Kardam last round, and came close to voting for him, so after seeing several entries show improvements this round, I was hoping that Kardam did as well. Unfortunately, I don't think you brought your A game to this round. The background didn't change much, if at all, which wasn't too bad, since it was pretty good to start with.
Unfortunately, the stat block didn't live up to the legend of Kardam. This is a pretty weak barbarian, both figuratively and literally. One of the biggest strengths of a barbarian is, well, his Strength. Kardam's isn't that high. You started him with the high stat of 15, but then all he's got beyond that is the fragments bonus, which isn't listed as a particular type, so, you should have then given him a belt to increase the Str by another +2 or +4 (depending on if you also increased other physical stats.) You also should have put his level increases into Str, instead of Wis, as well as the human racial bonus - that would have brough his Str to either a 24 or 26 before raging. To make matters worse, he's not using a two handed weapon to get the most out of his high strength. At the very least, he should be using a shield if he's not going two-handed to help out his low AC. Layer on power attack, and then you have a fearsome barbarian. His glammered armor should have a +1 bonus at least, since you can't add magic abilities to weapons or armor without at least a +1. Other than those specific things, the stat block had lots of little errors or poor choices that seem to be detailed already.
The new artifact was a bit of a letdown. Kardam's big draw was the burning, weeping gemstone eye and shards, so I expected something really cool from them. Unfortunately, we got template in a can.
Thank you all for the words of insight! I never thought I will go this far, and it's been amazing experience. If we get to see another Superstar competition, I'll surely participate again!