TerraNova:
This is ofcause my own oppinion, make of it what you will.
What is in it for us?
As I already mentioned, the pathfinders are not heroes, they are not their to 'solve' absaloms problems. Next time, I would try to ask yourself, why are the pathfinder society interested in what is happening and spell that out.
Never use tend bad words when five nice ones will do it better.
' Mirakel destabilized this spell when she tried to conquer the castle. Temporal effects dominate throughout this scenario, most simulated as spell effects applied to creatures.'
Would read better as something like; "In the wake of Mirakel's failed attempt to enter the castle, time has been left riven and twisted." Short, conveys the same message and is prettier. I also noted that you used 'Conquer the castle' while I think its a reasonable accurate use of the phrase, try to leave conquest for wars and mountain climbing, it jars, especially when used multiple times in close succession, where the context is unusual.
Paizo don't like the sisters no more.
The Darklight Sisterhood is cool, you know it, I know it, and so does every one else. There is just one small problem, Paizo(especially James) have commented that they actually aren't that keen on the Darklight Sisterhood and wish to down play them. This combined with the sisterhoods small size and political isolation make them a relatively bad choice for a Pathfinder society open call, if you don't have a contributor tag above your name and have the most amazing story idea ever (yeah even better than star wars, Sandman and American Gods). Hopefully this will change, hopefully we'll get some nifty established writer to include some cool DLS antagonist or ally into an adventure and change the way the wind is blowing, but until then, unless its more awesome than 'death playing chess with Mr. Wednesday and talking about how she should have intervened before Lucas made the prequels,' and three people who aren't your gaming group, your mother or your girlfriend have told you its that awesome, I'd avoid using them.
Define your ideas.
While titles use word count, I personally think they are worth it. In your proposal, it was not as clear as it could have been that you have moved from introduction to summery and from summery onto the encounters. You have to words to use to it wouldn't have hurt you.
Never mind your P's and Q's, mind your W's and H's.
Read this little rhyme and take it with you everywhere
I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
While reading your encounter, I found my self asking the names of the serving men. Why is the moon rolling backwards through the sky? What made the castle impenetrable? Who is Mirakel? What is the castle like?
Introduction and summary should make it clear to Mr. Frost what is happening, at the end of the day, your application didn't do this. If you take only one thing from my assessment, then take Kiplin's words from 'The Elephant's Child'.
Foundations First.
You spent a lot of word on the encounters often saying things which could have been said else where and with fewer words. Get your introduction and summery right, and then keep your encounters brief, providing a snapshot of what the characters will face.
Things you did well.
Your missions are pretty good and i liked the idea. Messing with time is a nice idea.
A fair critique.
Thanks for the critique, Epic Meepo. I’ve typed up my critique below. Please take this as constructive criticism. I haven’t done a critique in some time.
• I’ll admit I was a bit confused about the battle where Estaval died. I take it he was besieging Absalom, and that he had an army. I then believe the demonic infiltrators were in Absalom. However, if they were infiltrators and hiding in the city, then it seems odd to lay siege to a whole city. Did the citizens of Absalom find it odd that an exiled noble has laid siege to the city? On the other hand, if the demons were in control of the city, then I think you are at risk of re-writing Absalom’s history. It’s a small nitpick, but it threw me off.
• The fiendish influence – Quite a few adventures had this. The threat almost sounds a bit too powerful. I would think that if anyone knew about fiendish magic, activity, etc just outside the city walls, then a more powerful party is going to be handling this task.
• I thought the summary was good. I was a bit surprised that someone stole the Evening Star, and it’s just sitting in a warehouse. Beside that, I thought you clearly laid out the action of the scenario.
• Then I was wondering where the encounters were. I think someone else mentioned that too. It made me think that you couldn’t possibly be done, or near 750 words. So I copied and pasted your entry to get a word count, but you were right on the head.
So with that in mind, I may suggest you shorten the introduction, and make sure to clearly outline the 4 to 5 encounters. With all that said, your entry does make me want to know more.
.
Larcifer:
This is my opinion, make of it what you will.
Only one way to get better.
You writing is a little on the lifeless side, it doesn't carry you along or tell a story. That however is easy to sort out. Read more adventures and novels to expand your vocabulary and write more to incorporate that into your writing. You'll improve with time.
Story first.
First thing that struck me glancing over it. You spent a lot of words on minutia in the encounter, detailing ELs and which book a monster is from and so on. We get only a tiny word count to play around with. Use those words to make the encounter live. Characters are not attacked by five CR 2 fiendish crows, but rather a flock of storm crows. If you get selected, that is when its time to show of your System-fu.
WoW missions aren't great.
Your faction missions felt a little drab. Go here, get this, bring it back. Try to do something a little more interesting with them.
Names matter.
It has already been mentioned, if something has a name, use it where possible and when you have an NPC, name him where possible.
The idea itself.
I am afraid that I personally did not like the basic premise of your story. Certainly individual elements where interesting, such as the storm wrecked castle. But many elements clashed. To me, Sahuagin sending an awakened assassin vine to do something makes little sense.
What you're doing right.
Your writing was in general very easy to read. You made your points clearly and without fuss, which is good.
Skeleton Moon Submission
In the spirit of trying to help, here are some of my thoughts.
• I’d suggest the first two sentences could be taken out. Both describe Zyphus rather than the villain. That’s 52 words that could have been used to describe the villain.
• I can’t peg down why I wasn’t thrilled by Silvatessen’s backstory. I mean there’s nothing wrong with it. I love insane druids. It just didn’t grab me, and the evil felt out of proportion to the event that drove her over the edge. I understand she lost a grove of trees, but she then goes nuts and wants to kill a city.
• You may have also had a threat that was a bit too big for the tiers involved. A city-threatening plague is rather epic. I would think that any eco-system altering events near a city like Absalom is going to attract the attention powerful groups / entities / druids / protectors / etc..
I hope that is helpful. I look forward to seeing what you had for #20.
Thanks Zombie, I appreciate the feedback. One thing I attempted to do this time around was use clear consise sentences, this hurt the evocative nature of the writing, I will find a happy medium between the two. I really took it to heart about the technical aspects, I sure can, and will in the future use my word count on the story and not system-fu, that can come later if I am lucky. Thanks for your assessment of my submission, I will move forward from this. The Shaugin aspect, I did not want them to be shaugin, but a forgotten lost sea creatures, this was a mistake, it kind of breaks the toys. I have learned thanks to all the generous folks who have reviewed my submission. Again thanks!
stuffMuch thanks for your insights, Gray. Very helpful stuff. With fewer restrictions, I am hoping to knock one out of the park in the near future.
And of course, I'm hoping to make lots of new friends if I can get past the wondrous item round of superstar.
Good luck with RPG Superstar. I'll be submitting entry soon too.
*****
If anyone else would like me to comment on their entry, let me know. And I wouldn't mind if anyone wants to rip into my entry.
Gray I'd be honored if you would take a look at my entry, I am at work, so when I get home I will look at yours as well.
The pathfinders of Absalom ...
- The idea was certainly unique.
- I noticed you definitely attempted to play with previewing the Assassin Vine by discussing the ivy vines around the castle... however, the adventure seemed to be more about the lady and less about the plant. Shouldn't an adventure be more about the "big boss monster?" Perhaps in your writeup, you could have focused less on her and more on the plants. I don't understand why there is an assassin vine in the castle? Was it created by the orb and the temporal commotion? Where did you get the "dream-distilled" template?- "The orb is both the key to the siege castle and a shield against the temporal fluctuations. Whoever wears it, and any close by, are unaffected by the altered flow of time." How do you wear an orb?
- It would have been nice if you clearly identified/ broke up where the encounters were in your writeup.
- "but the Assassin Vine gains a number of special abilities depending on tier and random rolls." I haven't seen many adventures in old Dungeon Magazine have items give powers based on random rolls? I think it's pretty neat, but stylistically it does not appear to be something Paizo pursues.
- How did she lose her hand?
- Why is the moon moving backwards? Something to do with the God?
- "Soon after, three other Darklight sisters join the scene, just a touch too late to make any difference. The group must deal with these sisters, either through some kind of compromise, or combat." Do they want the orb? If so, please say it.
- Better formatting of the faction missions?
- I liked the general idea, the preview with the vines and some of the encounters. For places of improvement, see above. Good luck.
Here's mine, feel free to PEACH:...
Hm. Not too many comments except:
- The drow seem somewhat random.
- The dolls moreso. If the serial killer had slaughtered children, they'd make a lot more sense. When did the drow pick up the book?
- Perhaps explain what their traps are- they sound interesting.
- Perhaps (in more detail) explain some of the map and the room and the locations?
- Faction missions?
- I read the last encounter and see your explanation for the drow and the dolls. They're still random. It's odd to say that the god "drew the drow near" And I don't really get the connection between void and soulbound dolls... lack of souls would seem to be more void.
- What if the characters don't read the book... then they don't know how clever your ending is.
Best,
~LD
Also, in the interest of full-disclosure, active ...
- I liked the sinkhole descent. It reminded me of how my adventure started. ;)
- Nice background.- The tapestry is also very nice. It would be interesting if the tapestry fell on the characters... who then are attacked while being weighted down by a VERY HEAVY piece, and have a lot of difficulty fighting.
- Encounter 2: Ghost story time. Perhaps this exposition may have turned off Mr. Frost. I don't mind it though.
- Encounter 4: Why wasn't this treasure stolen before?
- "His tactics involve using stalagmites as a maze of tunnels and obstacles where he can seek cover and drag his victims kicking and screaming to their final reward."
?? Assassin vines don't move very fast. Perhaps adding a word of "impaling heroes on stalagmites and tites (from the ceiling)" would have been more evocative.
- Take out "to their final reward." It's a bit trite, overused and imprecise. Some reward death is... If you're going to go trite, perhaps choose something a bit more proximate, like "to their doom" "to their grave" ... or get inventive: "to become plantfood" ;)
- If there was any problem, it's that the adventure was a bit too straightforward; not enough swashbuckling.
- I thought it was solid, but it didn't excite me. Sorry.
Best,
~LD
stuffMuch thanks for your insights, Gray. Very helpful stuff. With fewer restrictions, I am hoping to knock one out of the park in the near future.
And of course, I'm hoping to make lots of new friends if I can get past the wondrous item round of superstar.
Back to work with me!
I personally liked the restrictions, i found they actually fueled my creativity.
Admittedly, the forced inclusion of a non-SRD monster may have been a mistake, but in general, i am glad we where restricted.
stuffMuch thanks for your insights, Gray. Very helpful stuff. With fewer restrictions, I am hoping to knock one out of the park in the near future.
And of course, I'm hoping to make lots of new friends if I can get past the wondrous item round of superstar.
Back to work with me!
I personally liked the restrictions, i found they actually fueled my creativity.
Admittedly, the forced inclusion of a non-SRD monster may have been a mistake, but in general, i am glad we where restricted.
I have similiar feelings, writing to meet specific criteria is somewhat easier than just making stuff up. To date, nothing exciting has come to mind for the next round of open calls.
I have similiar feelings, writing to meet specific criteria is somewhat easier than just making stuff up. To date, nothing exciting has come to mind for the next round of open calls.stuffMuch thanks for your insights, Gray. Very helpful stuff. With fewer restrictions, I am hoping to knock one out of the park in the near future.
And of course, I'm hoping to make lots of new friends if I can get past the wondrous item round of superstar.
Back to work with me!
I personally liked the restrictions, i found they actually fueled my creativity.
Admittedly, the forced inclusion of a non-SRD monster may have been a mistake, but in general, i am glad we where restricted.
i'm not submitting for it, but i did have an idea involving a medusa librarian.
Hey Zombie, if you are not submitting, would you consider privately proof read my submission? My e mail is:
larcifer(at)hotmail(dot)com
Gray I'd be honored if you would take a look at my entry, I am at work, so when I get home I will look at yours as well.
Will do. I'll take a look when I get home tonight.
I personally liked the restrictions, i found they actually fueled my creativity.
Admittedly, the forced inclusion of a non-SRD monster may have been a mistake, but in general, i am glad we where restricted.
I'm feeling the same way. It seems counter-intuitive, but the restrictions actually gave me some idea on what they were looking for. I really don't want to skip this round, but we'll see.
Just to satisfy my curiosity, were all these rejected proposals potential finishers, or did the rejection notice not include this information?
Well I would like to think so, but in truth I think we all got the same message.
Joshua, did you tell the top 4 that they were top 4?
Not everyone received the same rejection letter, though most did. There were a few we considered and eventually passed on and I let the author's know why they were in the running and why we eventually took a pass on their submission.
Dang. There goes my delusional, yet self-comforting belief that I was a close contender.
Larcifer – As promised, here are my comments. I hope you find this constructive.
• There are a lot of pronouns in your summary. I think someone else mentioned that too. I think it bears repeating. Since this is a proposal, I would suggest that you name specific monsters, and NPCs. Even later in the adventure, I had to re-read sections to understand who “He” may be.
• What exactly is the Skeleton Moon? I know it is a pearl, but it also has the ability to call upon the power of the sea, and to sink ships. With that, I’m guessing it is a magical pearl, but I didn’t see anything referencing its powers. Which then makes me wonder why he was sinking all those ships? Was he using “water breathing” spells to later loot the ships? Was that part of the bargain with the Sahuagin? And what was his end of the bargain?
• How long has the mercenary/madman been trapped in the dungeon? He has a plant-template, but unless he is living off of something wouldn’t he be dead?
• I think someone else mentioned this, but Sahuagin and plant creatures do seem like a really odd pairing. I don’t see why they would send an assassin vine to prepare the way. Or even how it would clear the way.
• I agree when someone said to cut the NPC. Bale doesn’t add any fun to this. My group would have punted him toward the door, and told him to wait outside.
I hope that is helpful.
Alright, I have my own opinions why this didn't make it but I would love any and all constructive criticism.
Summary
Futility; Pathfinder Sebastian Con Von (a druid) learned it the day he found the remains of his missing wife, Shara, entangled in the tendrils of a Flesh Plant (Advanced Bestiary template) Assassin Vine. He learned it carved on the walls of the ancient keep that housed the Vine. The carvings taught Sebastian that everything ends and the only lasting accomplishment is to hasten that end. The carvings also detailed a wine, made from Flesh Plant Assassin Vine berries, which helps others realize that truth. Sebastian dedicated himself to spreading this knowledge and began in Absalom.
Skeletal Moon, as Sebastian named the wine, alters perception so that everything appears futile. Nations fall, art fades, friends die, and nothing has any point. Eventually even living is meaningless and suicide becomes the only option. The authorities have not identified the wine as the source of this new malady, due to the delay before the malaise occurs, but it won’t be long.
Venture-Captain Karla Grove suspects Sebastian’s involvement. Shara reported to her and mentioned a drink that could cause madness. Sebastian’s return several months ago combined with this new wine is too much of a coincidence. Karla wants it investigated before the authorities trace it back to the Pathfinder Society. The players are to bring Sebastian in and destroy the source.
Encounter #1
Karla asks the players to destroy the next shipment of the wine to slow down its effects. The players can use diplomacy, intimidate, or gather information to learn the location of the next shipment. The mercenaries delivering the shipment defend it, though not to the death. A diplomacy or intimidate check can get them to reveal the location of Sebastian’s ruined siege castle.
Encounter #2
Sebastian has trained an escaped Hippogriff/mated Hippogriffs/mated Griffins to attack anyone who approaches that is not wearing a tabard such as those worn by the mercenaries. The creatures still wear collars identifying their true owners, who would be grateful for the return of the valuable collars.
Encounter #3
The siege castle is a ruined four story structure. The second and fourth stories are ruined but the stairs that run around the outer edge of the second floor are unobstructed. The locked front door shows signs of recent use. Shriekers and violet fungi guard the entrance room. Numerous animal tracks are present as Sebastian distracts the violet fungi with summoned creatures when he wishes to pass.
Encounter #4
Two traps exist between the first and third floors. The first is an optical illusion placed just before the entranceway to the second floor, though the step appears normal it actually slopes sharply to the left. A character that fails a reflex save falls 10 feet to the floor below. The second trap is along the stairs to the third story. A tripwire releases a section of debris that swings toward the PCs. The debris knocks a character failing a reflex save through the rotted outer wall 20 feet to the ground below (a second reflex save prevents the fall and negates the damage).
Encounter #5
There are two rooms on level 3, the first room is dedicated to wine making, the second contains the Assassin Vine. If alerted to the PCs Sebastian casts his buff spells on the Assassin Vine. He then attempts to lure the PCs into the room. The Assassin Vine waits above the door and attacks the first person to enter. Otherwise, Sebastian is surprised while working on his wine. He answers any questions the PCs have, but attempts to lure them into the other room when it becomes evident they plan to stop him. Sebastian uses the aid another action to assist the Vine in combat, but he does not attack the PCs.
Conclusion
When the vine is defeated Sebastian withdraws into himself and is easily lead, he also recites the recipe if asked.
Faction missions
Andoran – return Sebastian to the society alive, he was a good agent before Shara went missing.
Cheliax – obtain Sebastian’s recipe.
Osirion – obtain a sample of the source, preferably with intact berries.
Qadira – find out all shops that have had the wine delivered to them.
Qadira may have provided startup capital and its involvement needs to
be covered.
Taldor – save one or two bottles of Skeleton Moon.
Skeletal Moon
Type DC Initial Drain Secondary Drain
Ingested 14 1d4 Wis (1d8 day delay on drain) 1d4 Wis (occurs day after initial drain)
Drinkers can only be affected once per day and the wine cannot drain Wisdom below 1.
So? Just wondering, any comments on my entry? (Posted on the first page here)?
Or did my own commentary pretty much hit everything possibly "wrong" about it?
~ LD
RPG Superstar 2013
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I personally liked the restrictions, i found they actually fueled my creativity.
Admittedly, the forced inclusion of a non-SRD monster may have been a mistake, but in general, i am glad we where restricted.
On that subject - I had no problem with the nabasu element. I believe anything under an open license is fair game for these scenarios, because that's what keeps them fresh. Of course, there's a lot of untouched stuff in the SRD, also, so I'm looking at incorporating unused monsters and the Tome of Horrors in future submissions.
Now, if I can just get Frost and company to bite on one of them. : }
I in no way think that a wide variety of monsters is a bad thing for the Pathfinder Society or Open calls. I think one of the 'strengths' of my submission was that i used a monster which rarely graces the gaming table (in my limited experience at least.)
However, the Mr. Frost has said that at least part of the reason for the open calls is to farm new talent. The simple truth is, that if you put conditions based upon book ownership of a single non-core book, you will reduce your pool of submission. When looking for new writers, I can only assume that the larger the pool you sift through, the better.
I think the fact that, numbers where down on submission and that none of the submissions lived up to the standard that were needed points to the possibility that for an open call, the required use of something outside the SRD might be a bad idea.
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Chaps here is my attempt at Skeleton Moon. Please could you guys let me know what you think, especially those I have critiqued. Don't worry about being blunt, because I ain't very good at sugar coating anyway.
“I think my officer wants me dead,”
Those were the last words written by recruit Calituz to his sponsor, Kerdar the Qadiran Silk Prince. Calituz has not returned from a training exercise at the siege castle, Florengu’s Bones. Now it is dusk and Kerdar, a future Low Seat contender, has turned to the Pathfinders for immediate assistance.
Summary
The PCs must enter the moonlit castle and bring Calituz back alive. But Florengu’s final curse casts a shadow over the mission,
“Men of Absalom! The day is yours. But as my flesh falls from these hanging bones, so will the living land hunt you by night.”
Over time the Bones have become little more than a forested hill. At the soldier’s camp, the party find that Olovar, the Taldan lycanthrope officer, has left a note in his tent, detailing blackmail by an unknown recruit. When the recruits would not descend into a vine choked sinkhole, Olovar and his cronies attacked. The full moon reveals that Calituz and another recruit survived. Sly Olovar still waits in hiding, and ambushes the party. As they climb down, they wake savage vermin. Below a grimlock shaman, Stasiak, commands the pathfinders to leave or a captive recruit will die. Finally the party reach Calituz tied in a pool with the assassin vine hanging above.
Returning Calituz to Kerdar leads to their favoured friendship in the future.
Encounter 1
The soldiers and recruits made camp near the entrance to the castle. Tents and covered fires have been left in readiness. The party hear a terrified whinny issuing from the shadows of a small wood. Olovar’s tethered warhorse is under attack by feral dogs (wolves and dire wolves at higher tiers). Hidden in Olovar’s tent is an anonymous note telling him to stop ordering Calituz and his friends around or his secret would be revealed.
Encounter 2
The party finds a steep sinkhole, fifty feet wide and surrounded by bones. Clean skeletons, missing their skulls, which the grimlocks below have thrown away. There are signs of a fight; three dead lie near the sinkhole. Olovar (and his confederates at higher tiers) are hidden in the bones, waiting for the right moment to burst into action. The moonlight reflects off an iron piton, from which a rope drops into the hole. Ideally Olovar strikes when a few of the party have begun to descend after Calituz and the other remaining recruit.
Encounter 3
The moon at its zenith reflects off a large pool at the shaft’s bottom. As the party climbs down, the fresh vines and bones embedded in the walls provide help. After fifty feet, they reach a net of vines criss-crossing the hole. While the party negotiates the treacherous old net, a viper (or more at higher tiers) strikes from the vines.
Encounter 4
The cave network below is filled with vegetation and standing pools. The lush underground has drawn a grimlock adept, Stasiak, and his family. He pays homage to his blind kindred plant with sacrifices. This assassin vine is called the Poolfisher. Stasiak tries to force the party away, in exchange for giving up Hundac, his captive. Calituz is already in the shrine of the Poolfisher. The adept and his mate (pit traps and mates at higher tiers) will defend the caves with their lives, concealed by the vines but nevertheless able to see.
Encounter 5
The rainwater runs down to a shallow pool surrounded by fibrous bushes. Any light reveals dozens of submerged skulls leering upwards. A fungal covered rocky outcrop twists out of the centre, with Calituz lashed tight, and almost drowning. Above him are many moist vines, dripping into the limpid pool. When the Poolfisher attacks, it tries to grapple its victims up into itself (at higher tiers, the water is infested by plump shocker lizards fed by the grimlocks and Vine).
Conclusion
Successfully saving Kerdar and stopping Olovar have two results. First the Absalom guard begin to regard the party more favourably. But also the city’s Silk Merchants prove a ready source of good information in the future (+2 Gather information and Knowledge (local) checks).
Faction Missions
Taldor – obtain details of whether Olovar’s blade is in fact stolen.
Andoren – find out if Olovar is part of a wider conspiracy.
Cheliax – regain part of Florengu for the mages (grimlock possess a preserved skin pouch).
Qadira – garner a sample of Kerdar’s magical silks (party gifted a silk scroll) and return it unused.
Osirion – provide a new supply of viper poison.
Cheers
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Chaps here is my attempt at Skeleton Moon. Please could you guys let me know what you think, especially those I have critiqued. Don't worry about being blunt, because I ain't very good at sugar coating anyway.
...
Just some quick comments.
Nice ideas and you summarise the encounters well.However, there do seem to be a lot of characters involved. So in reading the introduction/summary it feels like a deluge of names and characters involved here. Getting all of those in to a four hour game is probably going to be difficult.
The assassin vine is a focus for the Grimlocks but doesn't come across as a focus of the scenario itself. I think it should play more of a role in the scenario or perhaps have assassin vines appear more often?
Chaps here is my attempt at Skeleton Moon. Please could you guys let me know what you think, especially those I have critiqued. Don't worry about being blunt, because I ain't very good at sugar coating anyway.
Why is this a pathfinder society scenario? I cannot find a pathfinder hook in your submission, if there is one please point it out because if I cannot find it then maybe Joshua couldn't either.
Edit: on a second read through I found it ;>, still I am not entirely convinced that the society would lend itself out for this task. Even if political gain could be made.
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However, there do seem to be a lot of characters involved. So in reading the introduction/summary it feels like a deluge of names and characters involved here. Getting all of those in to a four hour game is probably going to be difficult.
Right. I never considered that, thank you.
The assassin vine is a focus for the Grimlocks but doesn't come across as a focus of the scenario itself. I think it should play more of a role in the scenario or perhaps have assassin vines appear more often?
I'd tend to agree with that.
And Darkjoy, I think you have a point. Good one too, the mission hook has to be better. Ta.
Anything else?
Cheers
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Your introduction does not flow well. I have to keep reading it to digest what it says. More on that later.
Instructions included the advice that you explain how Florengu's Bones is not already cleaned out and conquered by another party long before now. I don't feel it. You specifically have given the Bones a curse, and a kind of personality, but development and background of such a place is essential if you want a reader to be interested.
I need to know more about Kerdar's relationship to the PFS. Why would he send them?Why would they care? I myself struggle with adventures the PFS would send people on. If it's not going to be an adventure directly in the vein of "seeing the world and wrting a book about it", it needs to be a favor for a ranking pathfinder.
In fact, I don't know anything about any of your NPCs, or the plot even. Why is Olovar (pretty good name, though) attacking? What's his problem? Why do people keep traveling to a 50 sinkhole with a reputation for popping their heads off and leaving their bones to rot? What training execises brought Calituz to this place, and why is he tied up in the pool?
Your NPCs have no personality. I know from gaming with you that you have personality piled up in the garage, waiting to be given to future PCs and NPCs. 'recruit Calituz', Olovar, the Taldan lycanthrope officer', detailing blackmail' - you should offer the details it takes to make me interested in your NPCs, otherwise I won't run your game as printed.
If I'm reviewing your submisison for publication, I don't want "dude the lycanthrope", I want "dude the wererat". Also, I don't wantlycanthropes unless I feel the adventure is going to make them easy to run. Make sure to suggest that mechanics is a strength of your submission by being specific with the mechanics that matter. Include details like type of lycanthrope (and to me, lycanthrope always needs some development - why'd you choose lycanthrope?), advanced assassin vine, grimlock barbarians, etc. You say the party fights a grimlock, I think it takes 16 grimlocks for a CR 9 encounter...and even then, it's not really CR 9. They can't hit, and the wizard's just as good in melee as they are.
Assassin vines are Int -. Without another explanation, they don't accept worship, and they eat the grimlocks hiding inside their vines.
While I think you are thinking cinematically, which is the stuff of great adventure writing, the translation from your vision to the page needs work. You're my bud, so I want to be as excited about your adventure as you are, but you need to develop the writing chops to communicate that. My advice is practice. And avoid these descriptive sentence fragments in favor of complete sentences. I bolded them so you could see them clearly. Edit: the board cut off most of your proposal when I copied this post, so I bolded this sentence instead to amuse myself. You know what a sentence fragment is. Avoid them.
This is certainly not to say that I am a good writer or that ideas are as good on paper as they are in my head. More in fact, I feel like I understand the disconnect between your design and your prose because I have struggled with that as well.
Some really strong things: the imagery of a ring of headless skeletons surrounding a 50-foot sinkhole deserves development. That scene will make an impression if coupled with an adventure. The primitive race worshippping an ancient assassin vine, I could see it, but then they still can't hide in it without some sort of affinity. Maybe they are skilled rangerrs and cultivated the vine so it adjusts to their presence after generations of pruning and fruitpicking (and still losing the occasional grimlock). Maybe it's a fiendish assassin vine, and you bumped its Int to 3 (not bothering to look up whether plants can be fiendish, cause it's cool enough to bend the rules if need be).
Hope that helps a little, and wasn't thought of as mean. I dig you, and your vision.
Intro
Ages ago, a Chelaxian army besieged Absalom. They constructed many keeps and fortresses across Kortos to support the effort. The greatest of all of these was Keep Haliad, after the prince who ordered the invasion. Eventually, of course, the siege was repelled, and as part of the climactic battle, Keep Haliad was buried by an archdruid.
Forgotten (though now sometimes referred to as ‘Haliad’s Hill’), the keep languished for nearly six hundred years. Unknown to those on the surface, however, a sinister transformation took place. The blood soaked soil of Kortos’s battlefields combined with the potent druidic magics that buried the keep to instill an unholy thirst for blood in the plants in and around the keep. For centuries these plants simply leeched the blood from the earth. As the supply of blood dwindled the roots of the plants dug ever outward, subtly shifting the keep within its hill. Two days ago, this movement became too great, sloughing away the side of the hill, and the Mad Prince’s banner again flies high: A blood-red emblem of Groetus.
The Pathfinders have organized a small expedition to see what might be recovered from the keep.
Encounter #1
The PCs must overcome a cluster of Archer Bushes (Tome of Horrors) and gain entry to the keep. Curiously, they find the door has already been forced. (A sign of encounter 4)
Encounter #2
The interior of the keep is filled with the skeletons (the dead kind, not the undead kind) of the soldiers trapped with, now six centuries dead. They must be wary, however, plants grown through the ribs of the old bones. Lower tiers will face more Archer Bushes here. Higher tiers face Fungal (Advanced Bestiary) soldiers.
Encounter #3
A nest of ankheg burrowed into the keep from below. There they remained, content to feast on the rampant fungal and plant growth. Now that the keep again knows daylight, they are irritable and aggressive.
Encounter #4
The PCs discover the rapidly assembled laboratory of a Arodeus Pashtel, a rogue Chelaxian theurge who arrived yesterday to study the bloodthirsty plants. While he may initially be friendly, it rapidly becomes apparent that he is quite mad and should be stopped. (If the party leaves him be, he will eventually attack them instead, out of paranoia.) From him and his notes, the party can discover the situation with the twisted abomination downstairs and the other bloodthirsty plants.
Encounter #5
Flesh Plant (Advanced Bestiary) Assassin Vine. This is the creature whose disgusting roots are responsible for most of the movement of the keep. It is growing, and should soon be able to break free of the keep entirely. When it does, it will head for Absalom (the nearest, largest source of blood). For now, though, it is still entombed by thousands of tons of earth and stone. The PCs should destroy it before it gains any more strength.
Conclusion
The Society is happy as long as the PCs discover what is happening in the keep. Recovering Pashtel’s notes are sufficient for this purpose. However, it is best if the Flesh Vine is stopped.
Faction Missions
Andoran
The keep is a relic of Imperial Cheliax. If you can find a commander’s journal or orders, we can remind the world that Cheliax’s thirst for conquest and domination runs deeper than their recent obsession with Hell.
Cheliax
Haliad I may not have been of House Thrune, but he was ruler of Cheliax none the less. Some of his personal effects were lost in the keep. If you can, recover any of his belongings for the Royal archives and the greater glory of the Empire.
Taldor
The sudden rediscovery of the keep, and its exploration, present an opportunity for us to sow disinformation amongst our foes. Plant this letter amongst the ruins, and a later expedition will ‘discover it’ there.
Osirion
Burying a castle with the living earth requires powerful magic. Forces so powerful do not disappear easily. Bring back some magical remnant.
Qadira
War is expensive, and Keep Haliad was the headquarters of one of the most successful sieges of Absalom. The keep’s records must detail how they kept their armies fed and their supply routes. This information is of obvious value to us.
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Your introduction does not flow well. I have to keep reading it to digest what it says. More on that later.
Instructions included the advice that you explain how Florengu's Bones is not already cleaned out and conquered by another party long before now. I don't feel it. You specifically have given the Bones a curse, and a kind of personality, but development and background of such a place is essential if you want a reader to be interested.
I need to know more about Kerdar's relationship to the PFS. Why would he send them?Why would they care? I myself struggle with adventures the PFS would send people on. If it's not going to be an adventure directly in the vein of "seeing the world and wrting a book about it", it needs to be a favor for a ranking pathfinder.
In fact, I don't know anything about any of your NPCs, or the plot even. Why is Olovar (pretty good name, though) attacking? What's his problem? Why do people keep traveling to a 50 sinkhole with a reputation for popping their heads off and leaving their bones to rot? What training execises brought Calituz to this place, and why is he tied up in the pool?
Your NPCs have no personality. I know from gaming with you that you have personality piled up in the garage, waiting to be given to future PCs and NPCs. 'recruit Calituz', Olovar, the Taldan lycanthrope officer', detailing blackmail' - you should offer the details it takes to make me interested in your NPCs, otherwise I won't run your game as printed.
If I'm reviewing your submisison for publication, I don't want "dude the lycanthrope", I want "dude the wererat". Also, I don't wantlycanthropes unless I feel the adventure is going to make them easy to run. Make sure to suggest that mechanics is a strength of your submission by being specific with the mechanics that matter. Include details like type of lycanthrope (and to me, lycanthrope always needs some development - why'd you choose lycanthrope?), advanced assassin vine, grimlock barbarians, etc. You say the party fights a grimlock, I think...
Thank you mate. I appreciate what you have said and the time taken. Alot.
Cheers
...I looked through this entire thread and perhaps at most 2 or 3 people have received 0 comments on their pieces, including Mr. Byres' post above mine here.
Was my piece really so wretched that absolutely no one has even one comment to say regarding it? Was its hook really so terrible that no one wanted to read beyond it. Was my piece completely not entertaining? (I posted it on the first page of this thread.)
I don't really ask for tit-for-tat and didn't in posting my comments on other poster's pieces, but I reviewed about 4-5 pieces and only Mr. Helt was kind enough to thank me for any advice I gave and to acknowledge my existence (I hope it was helpful- he's a pretty fine author, but there is always room for improvement and even the lowliest person may see something "odd" in another's submission. Even if the suggestion for improvement is incorrect, the recognition that something needs to be altered may be correct...
Which is one reason I was interested in hearing anything anyone had to say constructively about how to improve my piece.) Were my suggestions to others considered rude in tone? I acknowledge they were terse, but they hit high and low points and were structured to be like an editorial review. I was editor of an academic Journal and the Opinions pages for my University paper and "bullet-style" is how we wrote suggestions so people could see clear, concise workmanlike ideas for improvement. I will adjust my posting style if it appears that my attitude offends.
In Sum: Will at least one person please do me the favor of providing me some feedback as to why my piece might possibly have been rejected? I still think my piece was pretty solid and entertaining, it may have had some minor flaws (that I identified), but I fear I must be missing something mechanical or Pathfinder-flavorish that another person might graciously point out.
~LD
Will at least one person please do me the favor of providing me some feedback as to why my piece might possibly have been rejected? I still think my piece was pretty solid and entertaining, it may have had some minor flaws (that I identified), but I fear I must be missing something mechanical or Pathfinder-flavorish that another person might graciously point out.
I'll offer a response, LD. And, as I've said in other critiques in this thread, I'm only offering an opinion. Nothing more, nothing less.
Introduction: The skeleton rises with the waves, trolling toward the shore. A human-child grabs the bones but something closes around her wrist. She struggles, but falls limp. Having hooked its prey, a gray tendril soars. Fishers see a terrifying silhouette as they watch tendril-tied skeleton and screaming child traverse a harvest moon, then plummet under waves.
I sense a couple of things that might have turned-off Josh. First and foremost, the child being pulled under the waves killed your entry instantly. The imagery is both unnecessary and I think the Paizo "judges" (or Josh specifically) might have taken the inclusion of such a scene as an indication you'd either take things too far (with violence towards children) or that you simply hadn't educated yourself yet on how much they frown on that. Either way, it's a mark that would give Josh and any other Paizo judge a reason to stop reading immediately.
Secondly, the narrative style to introduce your scenario comes off wrong to me. You sound more like a would-be author of a novel trying to write the lead-off to a story than an adventure proposal. An editor is going to be looking for something more along the text you'd read on the back of an adventure module to get a prospective customer to buy it before they've even cracked the cover. In that sense, it doesn't aim to tell a story as much as give you a synopsis of what's at stake, who's involved, where and when it takes place, and some really cool stuff that's going to happen that'll make your adventure worthwhile to experience.
An Osirion mage's siege castle was ruined, then covered by these waters.
Passive voice.
Looters picked it over, but never reached the castle's bow. In battle, cataclysmic magic triggered seismic activity which split the castle and sent part plunging into the earth. The mage's assassin vine, the castle-conquering Defiler, was believed destroyed. Now it appears the plant and its elongated tendrils have returned.
Lots of short sentences and glittering generalities here, but nothing specific enough to inform an editor of what your adventure proposal is about and what will set it apart from anyone else's...
The Society needs you to investigate.
Why include "you" in this sentence? This isn't supposed to be read-aloud text for the DM. Your audience is the Paizo editor.
I suppose if there's a problem here is that the intro is 2 paragraphs... beyond that ??? Possibly bad that a child dies?
You're right on the child dying, but wrong on the two-paragraph intro. An adventure's introduction is as long as it needs to be. You took two paragraphs but basically told us very little.
Summary: Beneath a geyser, heroes conquer a ruined siege castle's magical workshop. To emerge victorious, they dodge lethal steam, massacre mephits, circumvent mad fey, and hang suspended in plants doing battle with vermin. In the depths, water rises, heroes unravel mysteries, and evade tendrils of an ancient Assassin Vine.
Okay, now you're finally telling us what the adventure will entail, but it comes very late. You have to hit the reader with your best stuff as early as possible.
In addition, part of the commentary about the Skeleton Moon submission guidelines talked about having a good reason why this particular siege castle outside of Absalom still has anything left to explore or find in it. If your proposal has an active geyser over it, that might have attracted more interest than kept people away.
Lastly, comments like "heroes unravel mysteries" is so non-specific that it's wasted words. Unless you're going to specify the mysteries that get unraveled, you're holding back on defining what your adventure is about.
1.) In the Steam: At the fishing village, the earth growls and tremors begin. A fissure opens and billowing fog spews grayish-green. A jet of steam and water splashes- a geyser. Then water subsides, leaving a relentless fog. The heroes, or a villager, discover a glass jar beside the fissure-opening. The etching reads “Sobek Ptah, Master Craftsmage.”
You've gone really far into your proposal before a name like Sobek Ptah ever emerges. If he's important to the story and the adventure background, his name should have come up much earlier.
Secondly, it seems you're using the geyser as a sudden event that opens a fissure that reveals your dungeon. But the scenario for Skeleton Moon hinted that something sinister or creepy has been happening around this siege castle that has attracted the Pathfinders interest. So, a sudden event like a geyser and a fissure seem a little out of place.
Descending vertically while ensconced in fog, heroes avoid steam jets and struggle to keep their footing. Halfway down, ravenous newly-freed mephits buzz the heroes' heads, seeking prey. [Tier 1-2: (2 steam mephits at ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (2 steam mephits, earth mephit), Tier 6-7 (2 steam mephits, earth mephit, dust mephit)
This comes across very much as a generic mephit encounter. How is this tied into the adventure and how are they related at all to the adventure's primary villain (which is supposed to be the assassin vine)?
If any problem here is because I didn't specifically forbid the characters from investigating the water route, but I figured I'd flesh that out once I earned the commission.
No, I don't think that was your problem at all. In fact, from your description so far, I didn't even notice they'd have a water route available to them.
2.) Heroes confront a cracked, but closed iron door. The earth quakes and heroes must break inside or suffer scalding damage. Inside, a metal room is filled with jars, lock boxes, elemental symbols, scrolls, and glaring pickled mephits. Glass shards and a rudely crossed out orb-symbol cover the metal floor. In a corner, something stirs. [Tier 1-2: (Gelatinous Cube ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (Fiendish Gelatinous Cube), Tier 6-7 (Ochre Jelly)]
Again, this comes off like another generic encounter with a gelatinous cube in what's apparently a ruined alchemist's shop. None of it seems integrated with the assassin vine or key to the adventure background.
3.) In the Dark: A sealed metal door leads down. Opening it may trigger entanglement. The room's staircase has rotted, but heroes may descend a trunk or hang on vines. The room is strangely bright, then light disappears and vermin attack. Heroes swing on vines, while monsters skulk behind flowers. Plants writhe and a cacophony persists. [Tier 1-2: (Medium Monstrous Centipede, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 3-4 (3 Medium Monstrous Centipedes, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 6-7 (2 Huge Monstrous Centipedes (Fiendish), 2 Shriekers, Violet Fungus)]
You've got lots of short sentences describing this encounter, and very few of them are fleshed out enough to really convey much on what the encounter entails. For instance, "A sealed metal door leads down...Opening it may trigger entanglement." How? By what? How is that important to the adventure? Then, "The room is strangely bright, then light disappears and vermin attack." Why? How? Your descriptions raises far more questions than the answers it provides about your adventure.
4.) Strange lights flicker. When the vermin is vanquished, there is an anguished cry and an invisible half-mad fey attacks with a sword and a strange glowing orb. [Tier 1-2: (3HD Grig), Tier 3-4 (Pixie), Tier 6-7 (3HD Pixie)]. With luck, the vermin-loving fey may be reasoned with. Blood-stained papers reveal this was the fey experimentation room and detail how to use love and magic to twist fey.
This encounter feels very tacked on...literally. After one battle is over, strange lights flicker and suddenly an invisible half-mad fey jump-starts another battle? And how is this tied in with the assassin vine? These encounters all feel very happenstance...not part of a build-up to a sinister villain whose tendrils have literally crawled their way into every element of the plot.
5.) In the Wet: Vines grope through a rotted floor. A stab misses the heroes and smashes a hole in the rotting wooden wall. Water pours inside. Below, the Defiler writhes and pulls itself from the water, bones in its tendrils. Mushrooms and a marble chess table rest beside the vine. Concurrently, a ravenous phantom fungus ambushes the heroes. [Tier 1-2: (Large Assassin Vine), Tier 3-4 (Phantom Fungus, Huge Assassin Vine), Tier 6-7 (Phantom Fungus, 11HD Huge Assassin Vine]
It seems like you wanted to go with a cinematic end-battle with a flooding room and an assassin vine, but there doesn't seem to be anything special about it at all. Just one more monster at the end of several other monster encounters. Assassin vines aren't intelligent. And, one of the items mentioned in the Skeleton Moon submission guidelines noted that fact and encouraged us to find inventive ways (via templates, etc.) to make the assassin vine villainous and not just monstrous. I think you failed on that part.
If unstuck and opened, the table reveals potions, and castle drafting sketches. Each chess piece has a magical effect tied to plants/fey, or elementals.
Again, this type of language is far too general. You have to be specific. You need to tie stuff together more tightly with what's going on in the adventure's plot. You need to explain more.
Aftermath: The Defiler collapses. Its death throes retract tendrils and the trolling skeleton inside, widening the ocean-fissure. The workshop floods, and the ground quakes. Factions have only a limited time to complete goals and escape unconquered foes. They had best be efficient.
How much time do they have? What unconquered foes remain? What type of hazard do the PCs face trying to get out in time? You need more details here as well.
Map: Vertical Map of the village and ocean, the steam vent, the cracked vault entrance, and the siege castle's three levels.
This is probably wasted text at this point. I don't believe the submission requirements stated anything about maps other than you'd need to keep it to one.
Factions: Andorens hope to prevent others from learning how to enslave fey. Chelish heroes, in contrast, seek to harness power over plants and fey. Osirion previously controlled the siege castle and secrets of mind control. Return with evidence of glory and a way to remake it. Qadira knows the value of rare artifacts, such as the Apocalypse Table, a chess table that turns creatures into jade pieces. Taldor seeks the Golden Orb. It can beguile minds.
A lot of these faction goals don't seem to have any specifics on how they'll be accomplished...instead it's just "Andorens hope..." and "Chelish heroes...seek to harness power..." and so on. How will they accomplish this? I think you need to specify that in your definition of the goals. You've also slipped in mentin of an Apocalypse Table as a chess table that turns creatures into jade pieces. Earlier, you said something about each chess piece having magic tied to plants/fey or elementals. So which is it?
If there was a mistake here: Andoran and Chelish goals were at odds.
I couldn't tell enough about how either goal could be accomplished to even know if they'd be at odds.
Was uncertain if plural was "Andorens" or "Andorans".
It's "Andorens"...but I don't think it would have killed your entry if you'd gone with "Andorans." Even if you were worried about it, you could have altered the sentence to say "Andoren heroes..." and used it as an adjective instead of a proper noun.
Perhaps they thought the Apocalypse Table was a bit too powerful, should have added qualifier "dead" before creatures.
I can't say that your description conveyed enough about the Apocalypse Table to give any indication about how powerful it would be. You spoke of it in such generalities that there's no way to assess it.
Perhaps the Osirion goal appeared a bit too vague- it wasn't, the data was the letters in the table.
It was just as vague as any of the others. If the goal depended on the letters, you should have certainly indicated that. And, in fact, all of your goals should have tied back to something specific in your encounters or the adventure's background.
Hope that helps,
--Neil
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Having just written my first adventure proposal EVER, I am by no means an expert. But since you asked for a critique and haven't yet received one, I thought I'd give it a shot for you.
Introduction:
The skeleton rises with the waves, trolling toward the shore. A human-child grabs the bones but something closes around her wrist. She struggles, but falls limp. Having hooked its prey, a gray tendril soars. Fishers see a terrifying silhouette as they watch tendril-tied skeleton and screaming child traverse a harvest moon, then plummet under waves.
An Osirion mage's siege castle was ruined, then covered by these waters. Looters picked it over, but never reached the castle's bow. In battle, cataclysmic magic triggered seismic activity which split the castle and sent part plunging into the earth. The mage's assassin vine, the castle-conquering Defiler, was believed destroyed. Now it appears the plant and its elongated tendrils have returned.
The Society needs you to investigate.
I really like the vivid imagery you set up in the introduction. However, there are a couple of points that confuse me. First, why is the child grabbing the bones of a skeleton in the water? Then, in the second paragraph, the chronology is confusing - you talk about the looting of the ruins before you bring up the cataclysmic magic that created the ruins. I like the idea of a "castle-conquering Defiler", but I'm not sure why a mage would keep one in his own castle.
Also, I think the violent death of a child was a big hit against you. It really would have been just as visually evocative if it was an adult, or a person of unidentified age.
Finally, the hook is really vague. It is not at all clear why the Pathfinder Society would be interested. I can imagine why they would be, but I think it should be more explicit.
Summary:
Beneath a geyser, heroes conquer a ruined siege castle's magical workshop. To emerge victorious, they dodge lethal steam, massacre mephits, circumvent mad fey, and hang suspended in plants doing battle with vermin. In the depths, water rises, heroes unravel mysteries, and evade tendrils of an ancient Assassin Vine.
Overall, I like the summary. It's exciting and fast-paced, and sounds like a fun romp.
But this is a critique, so... It seems like Josh has tried to make it clear that Pathfinders are not necessarily heroes. You repeatedly refer to the PCs here as "heroes", which could be another strike against you. You need a better motivation for the Pathfinders to brave all of these interesting but quite possibly lethal dangers than that they're supposed to be "heroes".
1.)
In the Steam: At the fishing village, the earth growls and tremors begin. A fissure opens and billowing fog spews grayish-green. A jet of steam and water splashes- a geyser. Then water subsides, leaving a relentless fog. The heroes, or a villager, discover a glass jar beside the fissure-opening. The etching reads “Sobek Ptah, Master Craftsmage.”
Descending vertically while ensconced in fog, heroes avoid steam jets and struggle to keep their footing. Halfway down, ravenous newly-freed mephits buzz the heroes' heads, seeking prey. [Tier 1-2: (2 steam mephits at ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (2 steam mephits, earth mephit), Tier 6-7 (2 steam mephits,...
The introduction to Encounter 1 is vivid but feels choppy. Saying "the heroes, or a villager, discovers a glass jar..." without further explanation is just confusing. Which is it? And why is that option important enough to merit word-count in a limited space submission? Instead of coming across as weak/indecisive/confusing, just say "so-and-so finds a glass jar beside the fissure opening", or "a glass jar found by the fissure-opening reads...".
I have to say I really like your promise of terrain challenges here. I love terrain challenges, especially when ravenous mephits are involved.
[critique to be continued in another post]
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2.)
Heroes confront a cracked, but closed iron door. The earth quakes and heroes must break inside or suffer scalding damage. Inside, a metal room is filled with jars, lock boxes, elemental symbols, scrolls, and glaring pickled mephits. Glass shards and a rudely crossed out orb-symbol cover the metal floor. In a corner, something stirs. [Tier 1-2: (Gelatinous Cube ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (Fiendish Gelatinous Cube), Tier 6-7 (Ochre Jelly)]
3.)
In the Dark: A sealed metal door leads down. Opening it may trigger entanglement. The room's staircase has rotted, but heroes may descend a trunk or hang on vines. The room is strangely bright, then light disappears and vermin attack. Heroes swing on vines, while monsters skulk behind flowers. Plants writhe and a cacophony persists. [Tier 1-2: (Medium Monstrous Centipede, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 3-4 (3 Medium Monstrous Centipedes, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 6-7 (2 Huge Monstrous Centipedes (Fiendish), 2 Shriekers, Violet Fungus)]
My only nitpick with Encounter 2 is "a cracked, but closed iron door." Which is it? And why is it going to be hard to break inside the room if the door is cracked? Or do you mean that there's a crack in the iron the door is made of? Because it sounds like the door is open just a crack. I'm confused.
Encounter 3: Swinging on vines! Fun!!
4.)
Strange lights flicker. When the vermin is vanquished, there is an anguished cry and an invisible half-mad fey attacks with a sword and a strange glowing orb. [Tier 1-2: (3HD Grig), Tier 3-4 (Pixie), Tier 6-7 (3HD Pixie)]. With luck, the vermin-loving fey may be reasoned with. Blood-stained papers reveal this was the fey experimentation room and detail how to use love and magic to twist fey.
Vermin IS vanquished? Methinks you meant "ARE vanquished".
"...how to use love and magic to twist fey." I'm loving and hating this. I'm loving the idea and the phrase, but I have no idea what this actually means in play. [EDIT: I've now read the faction missions, so this makes sense...but it didn't until I got to the end of the submission, which isn't a great thing.]
5.)
In the Wet: Vines grope through a rotted floor. A stab misses the heroes and smashes a hole in the rotting wooden wall. Water pours inside. Below, the Defiler writhes and pulls itself from the water, bones in its tendrils. Mushrooms and a marble chess table rest beside the vine. Concurrently, a ravenous phantom fungus ambushes the heroes. [Tier 1-2: (Large Assassin Vine), Tier 3-4 (Phantom Fungus, Huge Assassin Vine), Tier 6-7 (Phantom Fungus, 11HD Huge Assassin Vine]
If unstuck and opened, the table reveals potions, and castle drafting sketches. Each chess piece has a magical effect tied to plants/fey, or elementals.
Aftermath:
The Defiler collapses. Its death throes retract tendrils and the trolling skeleton inside, widening the ocean-fissure. The workshop floods, and the ground quakes. Factions have only a limited time to complete goals and escape unconquered foes. They had best be efficient.
Map:
Vertical Map of the village and ocean, the steam vent, the cracked vault entrance, and the siege castle's three levels.
What the heck is a "trolling skeleton"?? (Am I revealing my Newbie-ness here?)
Looking ahead to the Faction missions, I see why you included the chess set in your outline (otherwise I would have suggested leaving "treasure" out of the submission outline unless it was crucial to the main plot). But simply reading it through, all I can picture is this dread assassin vine playing chess in its spare time. Maybe with the phantom fungus as an opponent? :-)
The other questions that jump to mind are: Why is the assassin vine still hanging out here? And if it can't easily get out, how did it make its appearance in the introduction?
Factions:
Andorens hope to prevent others from learning how to enslave fey.
Chelish heroes, in contrast, seek to harness power over plants and fey.
Osirion previously controlled the siege castle and secrets of mind control. Return with evidence of glory and a way to remake it.
Qadira knows the value of rare artifacts, such as the Apocalypse Table, a chess table that turns creatures into jade pieces.
Taldor seeks the Golden Orb. It can beguile minds.
I really like the faction missions. They seem creative and suitable. Although the "Golden Orb" really hits me out of the blue here at the end, at least you mention what it does.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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quite a bit
Well...I think a lot of folks are in the same boat this time of year - work, family, Christmas and such. I will try to give your entry a lookover tomorrow while the STEELERS ARE SMOKING THE TITANS and get you some feedback. At this point, I would say I don't think anyone avoided your entry, just that there's only so much time to go around, and there's a ton of dynamic as to why people respond to some threads or don't.
I can say with my Superstar entries narrowing down to the item I think gives me the best shot at round 2, and with the open calls for 21 and 22 submitted...maybe there will be a lot more conversation time from me and the others.
I will say this, my buddy French Wolf asked for no punches to be pulled, and I felt like I was pretty hard on him. I'm gonna be the same way for every entry,as long as my friends here understand I know I'm not a publisher, and just offering my opinion. Sometimes I come off a little presumptive, even though I don't mean to, and I try to watch out for it. So I worry about that a little.
Hey - while the STEELERS ARE HAMMERING THE TITANS, go check out Chatty Phil's very entertaining and well-attended blog, and maybe comment on the Pathfinder characters provided for his Kobold Love Project.
Hey Steven,
I've glanced at you blog and it is looking good. Just one thing, I'd really like to be able to comment on the Kobold Love Project. But I do not seem to be able to view the sneaky little Gits.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Well...I'm not sure what happened, but they're there now. I also added the intro post and edited it, and tonight I'll add the other half of the party. Over the holidays, I'll break off pieces of the adventure and hopefully folks will discuss the adventure they'll use to introduce the new system at local game stores!
Them there kobolds are trixy.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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OKay, I looked over your submission and here's what I thought. Note I haven't read any comments on your submission, so there might be redundancies.
From the intro:
Other people will probably ask you if you've seen the talk about violence towards children. Check that out. I wanted a different useful comment, so I want to caution folks about having this dramatic prose as an introduction. You have to sell Frost and the others on plot, uniqueness and mechanics. Quotes or song lyrics or the kind of story-telling text found in your intro are not what I think of when I think of pitching to an editor. Explain in third person the plot, NPCs and development that got the characters to the beginning of the adventure. As we've discovered in other entries - including mine - how much background and how much NPC development in your intro is a balancing act that can't risk boring reviewers before getting to the action. But at least start with background and don't start with some kind of cinematic movie intro. Save that for the published work (and try to develop that skill a little more on the way to being published.)
Always substitute phrases like 'seismic activity' for spells or magic that accomplish the same effect. When 'seismic activity' causes a keep to fall into the ocean, no one cares. When Barralto the bard-priest judges the keep with earthquake spells and summoned earth elementals, we expect it to fall into the ocean as a climactic end to an upstart invasion. Your use of fantasy language will capture imaginations, which keeps readers into your story, instead of wondering about lunch, or considering the last two entries that also had keep fall into the ocean.
Similarly, name your important places and people. And compelling names don't have to have details - you're better off if a good name makes a reader want details that aren't there. That's called salivating. No one salivates over "an Osirian mage's siege castle". They salivate over the destruction of "Kandihar the Staff Artificer" and his ambitious siege in 1289, where he was brought low by Barralto, the bard-priest of Sarenrae. Those details give visions, sometimes just hints of visions so you can flesh them out later. No details means poeple start skimming, looking for something to be excited about. Again, adding these detials uses words, so it has to be done efficiently and in good taste.
"The Society needs you to investigate", bluntly, is the weakest connection to the society ever. Buy a few of the scenarios (I recommend Dralkard Manor! : }) and look at how the adventurers are set on task. A famous Pathfinder dies and his body needs transport to the burial gardens of his adopted home country. A retiring venture-captain asks the party to spend the night on a property in order to assure him it isn't haunted and he can buy it. A politically important Pathfinder has fallen to a mysterious illness, chilling him to death from the inside out. The dumbest mistake (I hope!) in my submission for #20 was that I edited out the fact that a controversial ranking Pathfinder sends lower ranking adventurers to his summer home outside Ostenso. There might be fifty reasons why mine didn't get chosen, but I am certain not having a compelling reason for the society to get involved is a deal-breaker by itself.
Also - third person. And remember, it's a loose organization. The Society doesn't need "you to investigate." Venture-Captain Malko Vicessiente wants the party to investigate.
This means the assigning PFS member has to have some stake. The PFS pays dues, records knowledge, and provides haven to its members. They might even send members to lobby for political connectins important to the Society's loose goals. They don't send someone to extradite prisoners or to hunt down criminals - at least not without being paid well or being offered something that would tempt Indiana Jones in return.
Your summary is weak. Beneath a geyser doesn't tell me anything, and if it's not an important part of the plot, don't include it. Also, I am no expert on this, but it risks that passive voice thing editors are always talkng about. WHen you start with a phrase like "beneath a geyser", you are giving importance to the geyser and sublimating the rest of the paragraph to that image. The whole adventure is happening, but it's happening under soemthing more important. Try, "the PCs enter the tunnels near the crushed keep by way of a dormant geyser."
Without having read the rest yet, I would say there are some great ideas already. A keep partially submerged under water explains why no one has had interest in it. It also changes the dynamic of encounters the party will see, hopefully providing uniqyue monsters or trap opportunities.
I'll throw up more later if you like. It appears my cut and paste didn't preserve all your submission so I have to go back to it.
Go Steelers!
Steven, if you have the time and are willing to critique some more, my submission is waiting for you ;>
Oh my, thank you so much Mr. Helt, NSpicer, and Elora. Reading your responses made me feel a lot happier. :)
There is no need to read my responses to your recommendations, but I put a response here to demonstrate that I am definitely taking your ideas under consideration and I greatly appreciate your advice! :)
~LD
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Secondly, the narrative style to introduce your scenario comes off wrong to me.
- Ah, that was a risk I took. I think you're right that it may have been a risk too far. :)
Why include "you" in this sentence? This isn't supposed to be read-aloud text for the DM. Your audience is the Paizo editor.
Ah, a misunderstanding on my part. I thought they were looking for read-aloud text. Now I know better. :)
If your proposal has an active geyser over it, that might have attracted more interest than kept people away
Hm. This is a magical world, so you might have a point. I suppose I did not make it clear that the castle was basically sealed in the ground and inaccessible until an earthquake opened a fissure so the vine could smash toward the sea and hunt for prey. Then, when the Pathfinders arrive, the geyser erupts and provides an actual human access point (the vine was still behind lots of stone, even though its tendril could hunt and rend apart bodies.)
>>You've gone really far into your proposal before a name like Sobek Ptah ever emerges. If he's important to the story and the adventure background, his name should have come up much earlier.
Ah, I was worried about that. I should have said his name in the intro instead of "Osiron mage."
>>No, I don't think that was your problem at all. In fact, from your description so far, I didn't even notice they'd have a water route available to them.
Ah, ok. I must more clearly relate the intro to the storyline then. Next time, I think I'll put the summary first, and then the map instructions for clarity, then the intro and encounters. Thank you. :)
>>Opening it may trigger entanglement." How? By what?
...Oops. Word count cut out "by plants." Obviously that should have remained.
>>Why? How? Your descriptions raises far more questions than the answers it provides about your adventure.
Shoot. I should have foreshadowed the effects instead of explaining in the next encounter. The map description would have made all this very clear. The top room was the elemental and ooze experimentation room. The earthquake shattered the tubes the mephits were inside and made a minute crack in the iron door to the outside. Mephits escaped from there into the geyser subduction tunnel where they fight the heroes.
The orb symbol on the door leading into the plant and fey experimentation rooms was meant to foreshadow how the fey carried the orb. The light was related to magic effects of the orb (The fey covered it when the characters entered the room, but had to uncover it when it fought the players who killed its pet centipede.)...Maybe I could have said something about the characters coming in a lighted room, seeing a creature cover something with a robe, then everything going dark.
>>...not part of a build-up to a sinister villain whose tendrils have literally crawled their way into every element of the plot.
Hm. Good point, I should have had a tendril or two snaking into the room with the gelatinous cube. It was metal, but maybe the earthquake had cracked an opening.
>>to make the assassin vine villainous and not just monstrous. I think you failed on that part.
Hm. I am uncertain how to make a non-intelligent creature villainous beyond snatching people. How would you do that? But I will review all the fiendish templates that others applied!
>>Again, this type of language is far too general. You have to be specific. You need to tie stuff together more tightly with what's going on in the adventure's plot. You need to explain more.
Shoot. All of that was tied to the faction missions. I should have moved those up to the top too. Thanks.
>How much time do they have? What unconquered foes remain? What type of hazard do the PCs face trying to get out in time? You need more details here as well.
Aww. I was figuring DMs could set the time themselves. That was obviously a poor decision. The hazard is the flood? And the foes would arguably be the pixie and the Phantom Fungus if it wasn't dead yet...hmm.
>>How will they accomplish this? I think you need to specify that in your definition of the goals.
Okay, I should have written "from the papers on level two" etc. I wrote the goals like a player would read them... not how Paizo would read them... oops.
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Okay, thank you. I am very happy you took so much time to go thorough everything so thoroughly!
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ELORA
>>Then, in the second paragraph, the chronology is confusing - you talk about the looting of the ruins before you bring up the cataclysmic magic that created the ruins.
Ah, thank you. I see now how that was confusing.
>>Finally, the hook is really vague. It is not at all clear why the Pathfinder Society would be interested. I can imagine why they would be, but I think it should be more explicit.
Really? Maybe I don't understand the Society well enough? Could you please explain why promise of a cache of riches hidden under the ground and the presence of a very powerful plant would not pique the Society's interest? Was there a better goal to promote? Do I not understand the Society well enough?
>>It seems like Josh has tried to make it clear that Pathfinders are not necessarily heroes.
Ah, good point. I'll say "pathfinders" instead of "heroes" next time. I originally had "players", but figured I'd spice it up... Chose the wrong word though. Thanks!
>>Saying "the heroes, or a villager, discovers a glass jar..." without further explanation is just confusing. Which is it?
Oh shoot. I didn't want to be accused of railroading, so if the heroes couldn't find the jar, then a villager would. I should have figured out some way to describe the scene without saying who discovers a glass jar... I wonder how I could have avoided the passive voice there. "A glass jar is discovered?"; "the geyser spits out a glass jar..." ah, the latter would do it.
>>My only nitpick with Encounter 2 is "a cracked, but closed iron door." Which is it? And why is it going to be hard to break inside the room if the door is cracked? Or do you mean that there's a crack in the iron the door is made of? Because it sounds like the door is open just a crack. I'm confused.
Oi. I didn't even think that it could be "cracked open"... yes I meant a crack in the iron due to tectonic stress. Oops.
>>vermin IS vanquished? Methinks you meant "ARE vanquished".
Hm. 1 vermin is vanquished but 2 vermin are vanquished as far as I understand, so IS is correct at tier 1 and tier 3 and 6 would be "are". Arg. No way to win regardless of which suggestion I choose.
>>[EDIT: I've now read the faction missions, so this makes sense...but it didn't until I got to the end of the submission, which isn't a great thing.]
Ah, thanks, that seems to be the one thing I could have improved- stuck foreshadowing of missions BEFORE. I was trying to be clever and reveal to paizo, bit by bit, everything. But that prevented people from seeing all the clever intertwining of environments and goals. Important thing to improve. :)
>>What the heck is a "trolling skeleton"?? (Am I revealing my Newbie-ness here?)
Oh, it's a fishing term. You "troll" for fish. Earlier the skeleton had been used as bait by the vine to "troll" for food.
>>But simply reading it through, all I can picture is this dread assassin vine playing chess in its spare time. Maybe with the phantom fungus as an opponent? :-)
Ha-ha!
>>Why is the assassin vine still hanging out here? And if it can't easily get out, how did it make its appearance in the introduction?
Hm. Its vines can reach out...but the cracks are too thin otherwise to reach toward the sea... and the metal door above prevents it going up toward the elemental room. I suppose some words may have been able to clarify that.
>>I really like the faction missions. They seem creative and suitable. Although the "Golden Orb" really hits me out of the blue here at the end, at least you mention what it does.
Okay, thank you. The orb is the thing the fey was using as a candle and what was used in the past to control the fey. Putting this up top would have clarified a lot of what went on later.
Thank you very much.
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MR. HELT
>Quotes or song lyrics or the kind of story-telling text found in your intro are not what I think of when I think of pitching to an editor.
Oi. Shoot. I knew to avoid poems, quotes, lyrics... I thought I could get away with an evocative image that highlights the danger and ties everything in directly to the skeleton moon title from the start.
>>But at least start with background and don't start with some kind of cinematic movie intro.
Really? Okay, I'll give it a try.
>>Your use of fantasy language will capture imaginations,
Oh. I thought seismic activity was actually cooler than an earthquake spell, especially given that the area is known for its seismic activity... I think you're right though- players are more interested in the castle being consumed in a battle as a result of the battle, not as a result of geologic disturbances.
>>Buy a few of the scenarios (I recommend Dralkard Manor! : }) and look at how the adventurers are set on task.
- Oi. I solely based my research materials on reading other posters' prior rejected manuscripts and spent about 6+ hours searching the boards for lore on Golarion. I have never seen the Pathfinder book (not at local game stores) or purchased the PDFs (I don't buy online). At least I had the first Pathfinder Magazine on hand. (:o...But heya Paizo- I subscribed to Dungeon for over a year! :) And I bought about 30 back copies of Dungeon and Dragon from Game Stores.)
- This is probably a good recommendation since my attempts to determine exactly what the society was were difficult. Heavens, I didn't even know what a siege castle- I just based my idea off medieval europe (I spent about an hour of preparation trying to figure out if siege castle was a special game term.)
>>or being offered something that would tempt Indiana Jones in return.
Shoot. I really thought the payoff for this mission was Indiana Jones-like. The aesthetic I took was: Eberron, Bioshock (scenes directly out of Arcadia, Ryan's retreat, and the Nautilus level), and Indiana Jones (the flood).
>>"the PCs enter the tunnels near the crushed keep by way of a dormant geyser."
Thank you... I like that suggestion. If you hadn't written the example, I would have been very confused by your suggestion since I didn't think "beneath a geyser" was passive voice. You are correct about the "sublimation" thing though, everything else is subordinate to the geyser in the sentence construction, rather than the actions or the characters being predominant, which might be good in game text, but certainly not in a summary for an action adventure.
Thank you again greatly Mr. Helt! :)
..Because I'm feeling happy now, here's what I think about your submission Mr. Byres:
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>>"Curiously, they find the door has already been forced. (A sign of encounter 4)"
Ah, nice foreshadowing.
>>of the soldiers trapped with, now six centuries dead.
Soldiers trapped "within" rather than "with" ?
>>They must be wary
PCs must be wary.
>>plants grown through the ribs of the old bone
plants "grow"
>>From him and his notes, the party can discover the situation with the twisted abomination downstairs and the other bloodthirsty plants.
good foreshadowing.
>>for most of the movement of the keep
"of the keep's movement." More "moving" language...
>>It is growing
"The plant is growing."
>>Burying a castle with the living earth requires powerful magic. Forces so powerful do not disappear easily. Bring back some magical remnant.
I'm curious as to what the remnant could possibly be? A scroll? an idol?
I love the Qadira mission.
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I don't really see too much wrong with the submission. Maybe it just wasn't that interesting tactically... Two fights in a row with archer bushes may not have been seen as very fun.
~LD
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Oh my, thank you so much Mr. Helt, NSpicer, and Elora. Reading your responses made me feel a lot happier. :)
You're quite welcome! I'm also the kind of person who thrives on, nay, NEEDS, feedback, so I'm happy to provide some for others when I can. I'm glad you found the comments helpful.
>>"Finally, the hook is really vague."
Really? Maybe I don't understand the Society well enough? Could you please explain why promise of a cache of riches hidden under the ground and the presence of a very powerful plant would not pique the Society's interest? Was there a better goal to promote? Do I not understand the Society well enough?
As I mentioned, I could easily imagine why the Society would be interested, and I can understand not wanting to waste precious word count on explaining something that seems obvious. But I think you really need to explicitly lay out the Pathfinder Society's interest. Personally, I would recommend including a very brief "Getting Started" section similar to the published scenarios. (Which I did in my own submission for #21, for better or worse :-).
Oh shoot. I didn't want to be accused of railroading,
I think that it's very hard (if not impossible) to avoid railroading when writing a scenario for 4 hours of play. I also wanted to include a note about player options in my recent submission, but I cut it to keep things simple.
- Oi. I solely based my research materials on reading other posters' prior rejected manuscripts and spent about 6+ hours searching the boards for lore on Golarion.
Sounds familiar! That's how I spent my time last week when I was home with a cold, in preparation for putting my submission together. I did break down and purchase two of the Scenario pdfs as examples, however. I figured basing my outline solely on rejected proposals might not prove wise in the end.
I can't force myself to re-read my proposal until I learn of its fate, but I fear I was too heavy on summary and light on encounter descriptions. We'll see! You may have the chance to tear mine apart in return.
Good luck in future submissions!
...I looked through this entire thread and perhaps at most 2 or 3 people have received 0 comments on their pieces, including Mr. Byres' post above mine here.
You bring up a good point. I think that it is only fair that if someone expects to receive some feedback, then they should consider providing feedback for others first. And you have done that.
I've been meaning to do more critiques but I've just been swamped. I also don't want to just throw a few poorly thought out comments out. My critiques may not be that great in the first place, so I need to at least put some thought into them. I also think the process of reviewing other's work has made me realize shortcomings in my own submissions.
With that said, I'm game to give more feedback tomorrow as I noticed there's a few that haven't received any.
And I would welcome feedback in kind.