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I am completely overwhelmed right now and did not sleep last night so if this seems inappropriate ignore or delete with no hard feelings from me...
Last night I got home from work to be told that my wife of 11 years has filed for divorce. She is asking for everything, the house all the assets and worst of all full custody of my children.
We were going through a rough patch but I guess it is one she does not intend to see through to the end.
Anyway, I have been in tears or near tears since I got the news and am reaching out here because my RL friends and family did not even know we were having bumps. If there is anyone out there with similar experience I would love to hear your perspective. For the record I am in Rhode Island. I cannot stand the thought of loosing my boys and feel paralyzed.
Sebastian? Anyone?
suck.
You have to do whatever is the best for the kids. My divorce happened before kids and we were pretty much done with each other anyway. Children add a whole other level. Be strong.
RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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I am completely overwhelmed right now and did not sleep last night so if this seems inappropriate ignore or delete with no hard feelings from me...
Last night I got home from work to be told that my wife of 11 years has filed for divorce. She is asking for everything, the house all the assets and worst of all full custody of my children.
We were going through a rough patch but I guess it is one she does not intend to see through to the end.
Anyway, I have been in tears or near tears since I got the news and am reaching out here because my RL friends and family did not even know we were having bumps. If there is anyone out there with similar experience I would love to hear your perspective. For the record I am in Rhode Island. I cannot stand the thought of loosing my boys and feel paralyzed.
Sebastian? Anyone?
Speak to a Family Law attorney. Immediately.
See what your options are. Collect all paperwork that she served you with and bring it to your first meeting. Do not wait.
As you are doing that, if this is a relationship you would like to preserve, you can begin talking to your wife about why she's ready to call it quits. Perhaps marriage counseling could help - take a hard look at her reasons for seeking the divorce and then you'll know what you can do, if anything.
I seriously doubt that you would lose full custody of your children. Unless you are an unfit parent in some respect, she doesn't automatically get the children just because she asked for them. It doesn't work that way. She also doesn't automatically get the house either.
Start to lean on your friends and family for support in the meantime. They are going to find out about this anyway.
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Eyebite has pretty much nailed it smack on the head. I know you're hurting, but you are not without options, no matter what she wants. Don't allow your current emotional state to surrender to her demands. Also, don't shift emotional tables on your wife - I know this is a hard period in your life for you but don't allow her actions to create a bitter heart in you. I've never gone through this directly, but I've dealt with it concerning my soldiers on several occasions. You have options, and you have friends and support here, and you have friends and support there.
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I don't know about how the courts work where you live, but here they do a he who first filed, is almost the winner, which is why I will reiterate the above sentiments of DON'T WAIT get yourself a lawyer now. If you want marriage counseling you can also suggest this with the lawyer, always try the high road don't get sucked into a name slinging situation or muck raking in any way it only makes you look bad not the other person.
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Dude,
I'm with ya.. I'm going through a divorce of my own (heck - today is my wedding anniversary). She asked for a divorce on Xmas Eve.
Anyway - don't let your emotional state dictate what you do. Don't let guilt command your actions. This may sound harsh but you have to protect your rights and look after the yourself and the kids.
Don't say or do anything that she could record or hold against you. Don't promise her anything.
Get an attorney ASAP. A divorce doesn't have to be hostile. If counseling won't work and a divorce is what she wants then maybe you two can get a divorce mediator that will help settle everything. That way you both don't have money hungry lawyers who typically try to trash the other spouse.
But most of all - keep it civil and never talk bad about your wife in front of the kids. It's rough for them also and they don't need to see the two of you fighting or bad mouthing one another.
Things will get better. It just takes time.
The advice above is so spot on that I haven't anything to add.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
No matter what life throws at you, you will always adapt. Eleven years of marriage (not to mention the time courting before that) is a lot to lose, partially because so much of our own identity is tied up in our rituals and routines shared with our lover. When they go away, we're completely destablized. It's like being jettisoned into space. Who are we if not the person who sat next to her every Thursday night watching a certain show? The person who held her hand tightly there at the beginning, promising, and fully believing, forever?
The answer? We are still somebody. Somebody worthy of love and friendship. Somebody special.
When the relationship folds you're dizzy and you have to establish new routines in order to recreate your own sense of self... and you must accomplish this over what can easily be a cold and empty backdrop. Thing is, you'll make it. You'll start a new chapter whether you want to or not. It may not help to hear this right now but painful divorce happens to a lot of people and they make their way through to the other side. You're, of course, going to make it through to the other side.
One of the things that make such upheaval so difficult to comprehend and deal with is that many of us were taught the illusion that true love is eternal, and this is simply not the case. Love is something you have to work at each day or it goes away. The movies fib. The same holds true with the 'soulmate' illusion - that there's only one person out there for you. That particular bit of thinking can keep people locked into some very destructive relationships because they're running a script in their head with which reality will never strike an accord.
If you want to talk to a stranger, I'm Rone Barton. ronebarton@gmail.com. I can't be much help when it comes to how to make out in a divorce regarding child custody and property division, but I certainly know my way around a broken, and then mending heart and I'm always around to talk. I've also suffered bouts of codependancy, so major break-ups were, for me, particularly cataclysmic events.
I am completely overwhelmed right now and did not sleep last night so if this seems inappropriate ignore or delete with no hard feelings from me...
Last night I got home from work to be told that my wife of 11 years has filed for divorce. She is asking for everything, the house all the assets and worst of all full custody of my children.
We were going through a rough patch but I guess it is one she does not intend to see through to the end.
Anyway, I have been in tears or near tears since I got the news and am reaching out here because my RL friends and family did not even know we were having bumps. If there is anyone out there with similar experience I would love to hear your perspective. For the record I am in Rhode Island. I cannot stand the thought of loosing my boys and feel paralyzed.
Sebastian? Anyone?
Its a difficult situaton that can happen and getting good sound support and advice is important. This is a very raw and recent shock. But when the intitial shock is over I think you will look at your post and the advice given here.
Some supportive people have made some really good suggestions and keeping the emotional from the business of moving forward is essential.
Clearly if your wife has filed after all this time and has asked for custody then there were not a 'few bumps' as you said and there was significantly more issues going on. I know this is a shock but you should look a little closer at your post and this may give you some clues. You have commented 'my' children. In divorce there is no yours and hers, children are not a commodity and many have posted here that the most important and paramount thing is to consider what is best to give the stability to the children. In custody the children come first. So before you react I would consider long and hard why there is such a gulf between your few bumps and not even telling your family and her filing for a full divorce. it seems to me you have not recognised that their were significant issues to be address. It is also worth recognising that for someone to ask for everything usually means there are serious issues. Why would she want full custody, has there been some major event that caused it. Also why havent you told your family, clearly there were problems, no one just suddenly files for divorce.
Another important thing to recognise is not to be scared by legal terms, full custody does not mean you cannot live a life and watch your children grow or be an active part in them developing and enjoying their lifes. I would suggest a few things
Firstly, as many have posted here, recognise this is a formal process and consult a lawyer, do not try to resolve it in any other way.
Secondly, once the shock has dwelled, recognise that they are not your children, but that they have two parents and the most important thing is to mediate a solution that is best for them not necessarily one that is best for you, in custody it is the children that are important. You should look inwards to yourself and ask deep questions over what is best for them. There are many forms of agreements that can be made that can mean you can have a full father relationship with your children but these must be done through the legal system.
Thirdly, as others have pointed out here. Teh natural tendency will be to discuss this with your wife. If she has filed then the discussion point was way past, and i find it hard to beleive that those bumps were minor. But for the sake of the children you need to make sure you do not discuss this with her in fornt of them and make sure their needs are met. This is something you will have to do with your wife while the legal process is going on. I know that is hard and it is fresh but do not get into fights over custody inthe family home. There are professionals to resolve that and it is better to discuss these things with your wife with lawyers present.
Lastly , think long and hard what caused her to file, it is a signficant step she has taken, and in my experience it takes two to tango so you givenshe has filed and you only saw a few bumps , then it seems to me you have not recognised your own issues or addressed them, as you did not even tell a rl freind you were having problems apparently. The other thing to remebr is life does indeed take a different path but that does not mean it can be any less fullfilling.
Remember your main shock was the prospect of losing your children and looking for advice , well this may seem a little harsh but my advice is simplt this, do what is best for the children of both of you, not what is best for you and when you look at it more clearly you may find that is not necessarily the same thing. It is hard message to a very sensitive issue. But I do advise you put them first in tha case of custody. Assets and Houses are a seperate issue inthe eyes of a court and I am sure agreements canbe reached where you can both get on with your lives in a fullfilling way if you work towards a practical solution. That is what lawyers can advise and help with.
As regards the suggestion of leaning on friends that was suggested I would tread carefully, if you are about to fight over the kids, it is a bad idea to coerce freinds to choose sides, you have been married 11 years, many fo these will be joint and in court if it gets ugly where you think you have a friend this could be easily turned as hostile to your case. I wish you well and the children but once dst has settled look more closely at solutuons that mean everyone can get on with their lives.
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My condolences and well wishes. Having just recently gone through it. I can say whole heartedly, the hurt you feel now...will get worse as you get further into it.
But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There will come a time when things will get easier.
All the advice here is sound. The only other things I can offer is remember the old saying..."God Grant me the Strength to accept things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things i can...and The Wisdom to know the diference."
You are at a crossroads.
You must quickly find out if you can change this or not...Do Not hang on out of desperation or the illusion of Love. If you cannot change it...move forward with certainty and no hesitation. Do not look back.
If you can change it, and she and you BOTH want it...seek counselling. Once the bridge has been crossed by one party there is no way to mend the fence on your own.
Otherwise Im always avaialable to talk to or lean on...
Mike
mpriley43@aol.com
I am a lawyer in Alberta, Canada, and used to do a lot of divorce law.
The laws could be a bit different in R.I., but I imagine things work much the same.
First, get your own legal advice as soon as possible. You seem alarmed about how much your wife is seeking, and need to hear about how much she is actually entitled to.
Here, for example, you divide matrimonial property 50/50 more or less. Spousal support is based on your respective incomes, and length of your marriage. Child support is based on where the children primarily live, and the incomes of the parents.
In my experience, the trend in family law is towards JOINT CUSTODY.
I also recommend that you try and resolve these matters as much as possible thorugh mediation or collaboration. Litigation should only be a last resort.
At all times, put the best interests of the children first.
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A friend has recently gone through this, and it came out of left field for him as well. Concentrate first on making it easier for the kids, and never let them hear you say anything bad about their mother. (Ideally, just don't say anything bad about their mother, to anyone, as this can't haunt you later.) If words get heated, walk away, rather than try to 'win' some sort of argument, because angry words never win anything, they only make things worse.
Some kids are devastated by these sorts of things, and blame themselves, particularly in after-school specials. In the real world, a lot of us kids of divorce tend to move on with our lives and not turn into cutters or start wearing black or whatever. Kids can be pretty darn resilient, but that's no excuse for not trying to keep things calm around them.
Stability is key, for all parties. Someone upthread mentioned that established routines are all disrupted and what seemed like solid ground feels treacherous. It's important to establish *new* routines, to give yourself a sense of continuity, and something to be doing other than sitting around giving yourself an ulcer over things that you cannot change. That way lies depression, which is nobody's friend.
Concentrate on what you *can* change. The one thing in this world, the *only* thing in this world that is absolutely yours to control is yourself and your behaviors and words and actions. You are not responsible for others actions or words, only your own, so try to make sure that the things that come out of your mouth are things you won't be ashamed of the next morning, and that the man you see in the mirror is someone that may be going through a hard time, but is still someone that you can be proud of.
Avoid doing things that will take that control away from you (like drinking), because there is not a single way in which a drunken conversation with your spouse is going to help matters, for anyone, and that's just the best case.
Most recently I watched one of my gaming buddies go through all the stages, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. But he surprised me, by moving on to hope. He's saying stuff like, 'I can't make up her mind. She's already made it up. I can't take the blame for how she feels, and I can't kill myself over the choices she is making for us. I have to look at this as an opportunity. I didn't choose to turn my whole life upside down, but as long as it's happening, I want to make sure I come out of this a better man than I was. Anything that she's said about things she didn't like, I can work on.'
You may be far from that stage, but, at the end of the day, the only choices to take away from any situation is to grow or fade.
I would like to first agree with every word Set has posted here.
I have some extra points, from the point of view of the children. When my parents had their divorce, it came completely out of the blue for me -- I was seven at the time. At the time in my home country it was more or less automatic for the mother to obtain custody in divorce cases. From my point of view, it looked as if Father had decided he didn't love us anymore and wanted to go away. It took a long, long time for me to understand.
My older brother was even worse off as my father made the bad mistake of telling him that he somehow had to be the man of the house and take charge. He tried, and of course he failed -- he was only twelve years old -- but his failure to make our now truncated family function hurt him badly.
Our situation was worsened by the fact that our mother refused to maintain any sort of contact with our father. You can of course not control how your wife will react -- but I urge you to attempt to maintain speaking terms with her if at all possible. It has been said of the children of divorces that they are hostages to the actions of their parents. This was certainly true in our case. If the two of you can maintain a civil relationship rather than have it turn into a bitter feud, it will mean a world of difference for your sons. No matter who ultimately receives custody.
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I don't know if this will help at all, but Jeffrey Leving is big on fathers' rights. (In fact, it's pretty much all he does.) However, you may want to try Michele Weiner-Davis first. I wish I could be more help, but those are the only resources I even know of for this kind of thing. My heart breaks for you, Sigil. I hope you can get this worked out. I know you don't know me, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm Peter Martin. I can be reached at: timespike <at> gmail <dot> com.
I can not add anything to what has been said never having been through it myself. But I will offer any help I--my thoughts are out to you.
You have my sympathies.
Are you religious? In addition to the other advice given above, going to a priest/pastor/rabbi is also important, especially for getting your head back on straight...
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One day at a time...
Thank you for the advice and the support. I have an action plan and moving forward. My head is a bit more collected.
Yesterday I talked about it with 2 close friends.
Today, I have contacted 3 attorneys and will try to select the best of the lot. (How does one pick an attorney anyway?)
Tomorrow I am going to talk to my parents. (and for those that think it is weird that they do not know... keep in mind that my grandfathers quad bypass was not talked about until after it was done "so no one would worry". I guess we tend to keep the bad to ourselves...)
Sunday I go back to church. It has been a long time and I have been wanting to get back, and this is the kick that sends me there.
Again thank you for the support. I may report here as things progress, if for no other reason than to provide a bit of a record for another guy in the same boat.
My mantra for today is to go one day at a time, and to worry only about the things I can affect. I am still dreadfully anxious, but focusing my thoughts is helping.
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I thought I might let everyone know how it is going...
I have retained an attorney. The how of this exercise was very easy. I went with the one who was interested in my case. The guy who was texting as we talked was clearly not my best choice.
My case took an interesting turn when she went from asking for everything to leaving the house while I was at work last Wednesday. She took the boys with her as well as a lot of the property in the house. She has not told me where she is but has given a phone number that puts her on the other side of the state.
It is weird getting used to the silence of the house. Since she has been gone she has allowed me to see the boys twice, but only under her supervision.
I have talked to my family and have thier full support. In fact I could not have been treated much better. The same is true when I went back to church. I have been welcomed and supported.
Coming home to a near empty house was really unsettleing, but after I took steps to secure the house and started to inventory what was gone, it hit me... This was as bad as it gets. She had played her worst trick. Nothing left now and anything different would be an improvement. She has assigned herself full custody, with my contact coming at her whim. Anything will be an improvement.
I have my first court appearance on the 2nd and am requesting prayers and good thoughts from any of you who are so inclined. Please do not pray for me to prevail, but pray that the children's best interest is served. They are the most important thing. I am also more than happy to accept additional advice or testimonies from people with experience in this area. I am completely out of my depth here.
Thank you for your continued support through my darkest hour.
Sigil, much has already been said here. I completely feel with and pray for you and your children. Having two boys myself, it breaks my heart when i think about how you must feel.
I must also say that i´m overwhelmed by the fact that such an issue can be brought here and that you receive so much good advice, concern and symphaty.
Wow. This is well and truly awful. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this- as a child of divorce, I know how ugly things can get. Take the high road, and NEVER say anything bad about their mother in your kids' earshot. I have to disagree with the idea of never saying anything bad about her at all ever...you're hurting and angry and will need to vent, be sure to take up Jade and a few others on their offer to talk(I'm at freeholddm@yahoo.com). Get it all out over time in brief spurts- anything more will make you bitter. I wish I could give you advice on picking a lawyer, I think my mom and dad more or less got the marriage annulled and did everything outside of the courtroom- I was only a few months old at the time, my grandmother dished when I was older. I wish you luck and will keep you in my prayers.
...Sorry pal, My whole sympathy for you. I hope everything ends up as best as it can.
Does anyone know what happened, how sigil got on with court etc?
I hate to hear that for you man, my sympathy for what it's worth